The Wednesday HodgePodge (September 6, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining the Wednesday HodgePodge once again. Here goes.

1. It’s National Read A Book Day…whatcha’ reading? What’s a book you want to read?
Honestly, I’m not currently reading any book. That is, I’m paging through a few, among them a positive body image workbook and Find Your Path by Carrie Underwood. And of course a ton of journaling books. I can’t remember the last book I actually read. I thought I wanted to read Cathy Glass’ latest foster care memoir, only to find out it’s her penultimate book. That’s truly sad, as I love the author. It immediately caused me so much disappointment I don’t think I want to read this book after all.

2. Which is better…having high expectations or low expectations? Explain why.
I am probably in the minority here, but I think having low expectations is better. Still better yet is having no expectations at all, but to let things unfold as they will. I grew up with parents who put a lot of pressure on me under the guise of high expectations and this – among many other things – led to some emotional scars. I also feel that, if we have high expectations of others in life in general – so people other than those lower on the social ladder than us (like children) -, we often come across as demanding and critical.

3. Serenity is ________________________.
A feeling of calm and being in the present.

4. What’s the most interesting thing in your purse or pocket right now?
Uhm, I don’t have a purse and rarely have anything in my pockets.

5. What helps you calm down?
Ideally, lying under my weighted blanket with my stuffed lemur’s tail over me, my essential oil diffuser on and a calming Spotify playlist like this one playing on my music pillow. Or just lying under my weighted blanket, if my phone needs charging and I don’t have any essential oil blend in my diffuser at the moment.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I have some awesome news: I have a moving date!!! On September 18, I will be moving to the new care home. I still know next to nothing about it, but I’ll follow my advice on question #2 and just let things unfold as they will.

Act Your Age, Astrid?!

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today’s topic for Sunday Poser is the idea of acting our age. Society expects us to act a certain way depending on our age – not just behave quite responsibly past our mid-twenties or so, but also to wear certain clothes, listen to certain music, enjoy certain activities, etc. depending on our age. Do we generally conform to that expectation? A quick read through the comments on Sadje’s original post gave me the impression that, no, we don’t. And I personally certainly don’t.

With respect to the responsible behavior part, I have to admit, unlike the other participants, that I’m very much a child – no, a toddler – at heart. I still have significant temper outbursts, for instance. In fact, on my thirtieth birthday, I had an intense outburst and was adamant that I could no longer have those in my thirties. Well, my brain wouldn’t listen. It’s said that my emotional developmental level is comparable in many ways to that of an infant or young toddler.

In other ways, I’m still a child at heart too. I love unicorns, going on the swings at the institution playground and stuffed animals. I even talk to my stuffed animals at times.

Then in other areas, I do act my age or even older. I’m not keen on using my phone when doing another activity and get annoyed when my staff get constantly distracted by text messages. I don’t really do social media except for Facebook (which probably makes me appear really old). It isn’t that I haven’t tried, but I was rather late to the party with most platforms.

Of course, the fact that I use the singular pronoun “I” here, is a bit misguided too, since we’re a plural system and there are parts of all ages. This is probably one of the reasons that I can talk to my stuffed animals happily one moment, have a temper tantrum the next and be involved in an “old-fashioned” hobby later. I do sometimes wonder whether my parts are genuine alters or whether something like internal family systems could help them too. Then again, I’m not in therapy, IFS or otherwise, anyway.

Creating Glimmers

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt for Friday Writings is “Glimmers”. A glimmer is the exact opposite of a trigger, something that brings you a sense of safety or joy.

Let me say that I often struggle with the fear of experiencing positive emotions, so even glimmers could be triggers in a way. I have yet to figure out why this is and what to do about it.

That is, one thing I do about it is to create positive experiences for my inner child parts that aren’t connected to the past. An example of this would be reading stories about unicorns. I don’t think my mother ever read me stories about unicorns as a young child, so unicorns bring out the playful inner child in me without the memories of my childhood attached. I can probably safely say that unicorns are a glimmer for me.

Another glimmer are my stuffed animals, but I honestly think the same applies that is the reason I love unicorns: they can’t be connected to my childhood. I currently have five stuffed animals on my bed, but the oldest one I’ve had for about four years.

I wonder why this is, honestly, given that my childhood, though not stellar, wasn’t horrifying either. Ah, who cares as long as I have my unicorn stories, unicorn polymer clay cutters, stuffed anymals, including several unicorns, etc.? Let me just live love laugh in unicorn land. If only it were this easy…

The Wednesday HodgePodge (April 12, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining the Wednesday HodgePodge yet again. Here are Joyce’s questions and my answers.

1. April 13th is National Scrabble Day…are you a fan? Do you enjoy word games in general? What’s an eight letter word that tells us something about your life currently?
I don’t like Scrabble, because eventually the board becomes too crowded for me to understand. I do love other word games. There was a game I used to enjoy on the iPhone called 7 Little Words. That is, until they introduced a special “screen reader mode” that was just slightly less inaccessible than the rest of the game had become from then on.

An eight-letter word that says something about my life… clueless. I’ll leave it at that.

2. Do you have a junk drawer? Is it full? Do you know what’s in it? What’s in it?
Not really. Oh wait, the upper drawer in my desk probably counts, as it does have lots of miscellaneous stuff in it, particularly parts that belong to my various gadgets, such as my original Apple Watch wristband (well, only the lengthening half of it, as I recently discovered). I do know of most things in it, but not everything.

3. When does time pass quickly for you? When does it pass slowly?
It passes quickly when I’m engrossed in writing a blog post or in a good book or especially when crafting. Slowly when I am waiting on something.

4. These eight vegetables are in season during spring-asparagus, broccoli, cabbage, carrots, celery, collard greens, garlic, herbs. What’s your favorite? Any on the list you refuse to eat? Last one on the list you ate?
Wasn’t this a question last year too? Anyway, my favorite is broccoli. There aren’t any on the list I refuse to eat altogether, but I really don’t like celery. The last one of these I ate was a carrot this afternoon with my lunch.

5. What’s the oldest thing you own? Tell us about it.
I don’t think I own anything old, so I’ll have to guess either my stuffed whale which I’ve had since I was a baby or my desk. Though I’ve owned my desk for only like 17 years, it’s secondhand.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
Thank goodness for a bit of sunshine inbetween the rain today. I went for a walk this afternoon and then stopped by the day center cafeteria to have a hot cocoa and a muesli bar, the latter of which my staff treated me to out of the vending machine. Yum!

March 2023 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the last day of the month and this means I’m reflecting back on this month’s happenings. I’m joining What’s Been On Your Calendar? (#WBOYC). Here goes.

This month would have started with my having the meeting on my care on March 2, but it got postponed yet again for the third time. I did get a visit from my mother-in-law instead and we took a walk through a nice park. Here are a couple of pictures my mother-in-law took with her phone of a remembrance stone we saw there.



The next Sunday, my husband and I drove to Ikea in Zwolle, where I bought a stuffed orang-utan. I so far didn’t show it on the blog yet, so what better day to do this than today?

On the other Sundays, my husband and I drove to Apeldoorn to have lunch at Backwerk. We did try visiting another lunch cafe once at the recommendation of one of my staff, but literally all tables were dirty.

On March 17, I finally had the meeting on my care. The positive aspect was that the powers-that-be will be looking for another, hopefully more suitable care home for me. The negative aspect is the fact that, in the meantime, nothing will change. This had me spiral out of control quite a bit, which my staff feel frustrated with.

Last week, it led to a bit of a disagreement between me and my assigned staff, because she got frustrated with my negativity. The way she worded it, even if my day schedule doesn’t get disrupted and I’m supported by regular staff for the entire shift, I still find a reason to complain. I countered that this hadn’t happened in months. Even this morning, with three out of four staff being regular employees, the fourth staff supported me for most of the shift.

In the health department, I did pretty well. I finally saw the dietitian last week and we concluded I no longer need to lose weight. Not that weight loss ever was a priority for me, more like a welcome side effect of my healthier-for-me lifestyle. The fact that I’d lost weight rather rapidly over the past five months, meant I had to up my calorie intake to prevent further weight loss. I did gain a bit of weight in the first week on my new food plan, but then again I did eat fries once in that week and a large burger another day. I’m not stressing about the weight gain at all.

In other health news, my cardio fitness level according to my Apple Watch has declined slightly and is in the “low” range again, though just barely. My heart rate recovery, on the other hand, is steadily improving.

All this being said, I’m trying to embrace my body as it is and appreciate my health for what it is.

In the blogging department, I did quite poorly, having written only eleven posts including this one. I am not sure how I’m going to do with the April A to Z Challenge given this reality, but I trust I can do it.

Six of the Most Important Objects I Own

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m feeling like writing, but am a little lost for words, so I looked through my various collections of journaling prompts. One of them was to list some of the most important objects in your life and to share how you got them. Here goes.

1. My iPhone. I first got an iPhone in the summer of 2017. Back then, I was clueless as to whether I would be able to do much with it. However, it turned out I only needed six out of the ten allocated lessons from the blindness agency computer trainer. I have had my current iPhone, an SE 2nd generation, since June of 2020 and am pretty sure I’m going to try to keep it functioning until the 15 series comes out in the fall, because the regular 14 isn’t really an improvement over the 13 and the 14 Pro is too expensive.

2. My Apple Watch. I got my Apple Watch Series 7 at the end of August, barely a month before the Series 8 was released. I don’t really do many techy things with it. Like, I don’t use it to make phone calls or check my mail, but I really love its fitness-related features.

3. My computer. Oh my, I’m really mostly listing modern technologies here. As those who’ve read my blog recently, will know, I got my current computer a few weeks ago. I mostly use it for browsing the Internet, blogging, reading Kindle books and it’s a little easier than my iPhone for YouTube too. Other things, such as mail, reading other books, writing in my journal, etc., I do on my iPhone. Then again, I’m so happy to still have both.

4. My music pillow. Okay, it’s somewhat of a piece of technology too, but not as advanced as a computer or smartphone. A music pillow, for those who don’t know, is a regular pillow with a small speaker integrated in it and in this case a cable that you can connect to a music player or in my case my iPhone. I listen to music on my music pillow almost every night as I fall asleep.

5. My box of essential oils. Oh wait, since I own 33 different essential oils, do each of these count as separate objects? Oh well, I say they don’t. I wrote a stream-of-consciousness post on the box several years ago (although I’m not sure I had the exact same box then). I could’ve chosen my diffuser, but without oils, it would be useless. I love to create blends of essential oils for in my diffuser, but I also love to add essential oils to soap and homemade bath and body care products.

6. My soft toy of the moment. The one I sleep with, changes often, but the lemur is still popular. Since the orangutan is my latest addition, it’s currently among my favorites.

I now, as I finish this post, realize I’ve been rather materialistic. I mean, I could have mentioned my wedding ring or the framed picture on my wall that I got from the staff and clients at my old care home. I’m not saying these don’t have value to me. Like, I wear my wedding ring day and night. However, the way I subconsciously at least interpreted the question, was “important” as meaning “useful”. They’re not the same, of course.

What are some of the most important objects in your life?

Hello Monday (March 6, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. A few weeks ago, I discovered another great weekly linky called Hello Monday, in which bloggers share about their weekend. Since I didn’t join #WeekendCoffeeShare this past Saturday, I still have a lot to share about the weekend. Besides, Sunday afternoon was fun, so even if I had posted on Saturday, I could post again today. Let’s get started.

Saturday morning was kind of hard. A new staff was being introduced to me, so for the morning shift there were two staff people doing my one-on-one. I do appreciate the fact that they actually had him properly introduced to me rather than having me do all the explaining, like they did with the student staff, but it did lead to me overhearing them converse about stuff that they said wasn’t my business. Well, if it’s none of my business then why discuss it in my room with me sitting right there in the middle?

Saturday evening was slightly better, but Sunday morning was hard again. The staff assigned to be my one-on-one that day always complains of a sore arm when holding my arm to guide me when walking, but I can’t safely walk without a sighted guide and I struggle to hold onto someone’s arm too (which is the proper way of walking sighted guide). In this sense, I empathize with this staff. Being that he isn’t the crafty type either, we were quite limited in the activities we could do, so I eventually decided we’d go for a walk anyway.

After he left at just past eleven for my “time to rest” (his cringe-worthy term for time without one-on-one support), which normally doesn’t start until 11:30, I indeed had a little lie down, but had had it by 11:30 and decided to go into the living room to see the other clients and staff. I sat there while they had lunch (and I had a little bit too). I was going to have a visit from my husband at 1PM and we usually go out for lunch then. One of the staff directed us to clear up the table, while she herself remained seated. Granted, she was another client’s one-on-one and either that client can’t or won’t clear up. I can’t without someone assisting me either and my one-on-one was nowhere to be found, but thankfully another staff helped me.

When my husband came to pick me up, he drove randomly. At one point, he asked me where we were going. “Where are we?” I asked. He replied we were at highway A50, headed northward, in the middle of nowhere. Zwolle was the closest bigger city, so we decided to head there. We went to Ikea, where we looked around a little, tthen had fries with chicken (for me) and meatballs (for him). Then we saw these really cute soft toys. My husband pointed out an orangutan, which I immediately decided to buy. My husband wants me to name him after the monkey king in The Jungle Book and he wanted me to look up the song on our way back to the institution. Not that I remember that movie. I mean, I’ve probably seen parts of it, but we only had public television at home when I was a child. I think the monkey is called Louis.

Gratitude List (July 15, 2022) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I am struggling a little, but trying to stay positive. As such, I want to write a gratitude list again. I’m joining Ten Things of Thankful as usual. Here goes.

1. I am grateful for ice cream. Last Sunday, the local Rotary Club sent out some people to do a performance on care facility grounds, like singing and acting and all. I didn’t like that, but they also sent an ice cream truck. I loved the stracciatella and vanilla ice cream, even though I normally don’t care for chocolate.

2. I am grateful I was able to bring a huge smile to my old assigned staff’s face when I gave her the polymer clay hedgehog I’d crafted for her.

3. I am grateful for nice, warm enough but not too hot weather this week.

4. I am grateful my physical fitness level is pretty much back to where I’d like it to be. I have been walking a lot over the past week. Not reaching 10K steps most days – just once, last Saturday, in fact -, but I’m so glad I’m walking longer distances again.

5. I am grateful for my husband’s creative pep talks. Earlier in the week, I had almost lost my polymer clay mojo because I kept doing my flat projects wrong. Then when I’d found a way to bake them without them bending upward or getting air bubbles at the back – by baking them or cardboard -, someone I consider a polymer clay expert claimed that would cause me problems. That discouraged me a lot, but my husband said not to listen to just one person and to do what works for me.

6. Speaking of which, I am so grateful at least that one little piece of polymer clay – a random cookie cutter star – turned out pretty good.

7. I am grateful I didn’t cry when my old assigned staff officially left yesterday.

8. I am grateful for a really nice card from her too. It has a small lucky doll inside of it, because she wishes me good luck.

9. I am grateful for my new stuffed dolphin. When my old assigned staff put me to bed yesterday, I grabbed ahold of my favorite stuffed animal, the lemur, and she commented I could seek comfort with him when I miss her. She had considered buying me a soft toy as a goodbye present, but she reasoned I have quite many already. This got me thinking and, within an hour, I’d ordered this stuffed dolphin off Bol.com, to be delivered today. It’s a little smaller than I’d expected, but actually it’s the perfect size for me to hold it when trying to sleep.

10. I am grateful that Seeing AI, the image description app on my iPhone, guessed my age in the above photo as 27. 😁 Not that I really care, but I just noticed and thought this’d make for a fun last item on my thankful list.

What are you thankful for?

Sunday Ramble: Motivation and Positivity

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone! I’m feeling full of ideas today, but none make it out of my head and into my hands. I’m talking both crafting and blogging here. Thankfully, with respect to blogging, I can always count on some great bloggers to provide me with prompts. Today, I’m participating once again in E.M.’s Sunday Ramble. This week the topic is positivity. Here goes.

1. What are the greatest attributes about you that make you feel good about yourself?
First up is, of course, my creativity! Many years ago, I would have said my intelligence, but I don’t really value that as much anymore. I do still consider it an asset that I’m a quick learner, but it’s not like I feel particularly good about being intelligent. It does make me feel good that I have many interests and I do consider that both related to my creativity and my intellectual ability.

2. What is/are your biggest motivation/s to get things done?
I find that I’m very much driven by an internal sense of motivation that comes in spurts and then goes away completely again. I’m not really sure what motivates me to do things I’d not otherwise be motivated for, other than maybe a kick in the butt from my staff.

3. Do you have any tips that could help others with their own motivation?
No, not really. I mean, other than getting treatment for obvious mental health problems that stand in the way of motivation, such as depression and anxiety. It may also help, if like me you’re neurodivergent (autistic, ADHD, etc.), to ask for help with step-by-step instructions on daily life tasks. There are groups for this on Facebook, such as Neurodivergent Cleaning Crew (I’m not a member of that one as I don’t do my own cleaning). That still may not help with actual motivation though.

4. As you are sitting there reading this question, look around you. What item in your home/work/car (wherever you are) made you smile when you looked at it?
I cannot actually look at it, being that I’m blind, and I cannot touch it from where I’m sitting at my desk, but my bed with all my stuffed animals and the satin duvet cover and pillow case that I got from a staff definitely makes me smile! I just had to leave my desk to take a picture (of course I did arrange the stuffed animals for it!).

5. What always makes you laugh and smile in your life?
My husband’s jokes! He has the funniest sense of humor.

How about you? What always makes you laugh and smile?

Too Many Toys

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s topic for Throwback Thursday is toys and pastimes. The first question Maggie asks in her post is: “Did you have a lot of toys?” The short answer would be that yes, I was privileged to have quite many toys, but I must say I wasn’t so spoiled that I always got the latest trendy toy.

I probably shared this story before, but I played with toys quite a lot until I was at least eleven. By that time, my parents and teachers were looking into options for secondary schools and their opinions couldn’t have been any different: while my parents wanted me to go to mainstream grammar school, my teachers felt special education at their low-level secondary school for the blind, preferably residential, was in my best interest. My mother one day took me for a “mother-daughter walk” explaining the school’s stance and said that the reason they felt I needed residential special ed, was my behavior. That, in turn, she attributed to my having too many toys. The logic, I never quite understood, but it must’ve been something like my being so spoiled that I somehow felt entitled to display challenging behavior.

She went on to explain that, at the residential school, I would only be allowed one doll and one soft toy. She had given me a Barbie doll for my birthday earlier that summer, but told me she regretted it as soon as she received the school’s report. Needless to say, I always felt weird about playing with dolls from that age on, even though I continued to play with toys and dolls and everything until I was at least fifteen.

Fast forward some ten to fifteen years. When I was in my mid-twenties and diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, I felt it might help my littles (child alters) if we had toys again. I first bought a box of old Barbies for €70 on a marketplace site. That wasn’t a wise decision as, though the box did arrive, the Barbie dolls were in such bad condition I eventually threw them away. I then decided to buy a couple of new ones at a toy store, but the littles hardly played with them. They prefer soft toys.

Speaking of which, one of Maggie’s questions is whether you still have any toys from your childhood. I don’t, as they’re probably all at my parents’. However, I do still have my stuffed whale Wally, whom I got when I left the NICU at three-months-old. I still sometimes sleep with it.

Wally

Did you have many toys growing up?