July 2026 In Review

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the last day of the month and this means it’s time for my monthly recap. July was most of all a hot month weather-wise. It had its highs and lows, but wasn’t as eventful as May or June had been. I consider that an okay thing.

The first half of the month was an uncertain time. I learned in mid-June that I was going to be moving out of this care home, but wasn’t sure of the details. I mean, for all I knew, I could be kicked out to a crisis unit or onto the streets.

It didn’t help that my aggressive behavior got a bit worse in early July. I had another major incident on July 10, in which among other things I told a staff she’d be facing a complaint. I never followed through, because she backed down with her restraint quite quickly. Later, I was told that the way the situation escalated would’ve in fact warranted me being restrained. I’m not entirely sure how much my support coordinator, who told me this, knew about the order of events, because well cause and effect were reversed: I spiraled out of control after the staff tried to restrain me, not the other way around. This particular staff has quite a harsh support approach, so I maintain that it need not have escalated into a restraint-worthy situation.

I will finally have a meeting to discuss my Care and Force Act plan on August 10. My support coordinator will be off work then, but the behavior specialist will attend, as will an independent client confidante. I will hopefully be able to make it crystal clear then that restraint is not a way to de-escalate a situation for me nor is it something that’ll teach me a lesson. Rather, its purpose is solely to keep me from causing significant harm to myself or others.

On July 16, I finally met with the behavior specialist, team leader and my support coordinator and assigned staff to discuss my moving out of this care home. It turned out that there are no plans of single-handedly terminating my care. As I read my housing profile, which will be sent on to the care finding people, I did realize that for some staff, the situation is however rather urgent. It isn’t like this surprises me, but it does kind of contradict the rather fluffy letter I received from the behavior specialist on July 16.

Today, I received a phone call from independent client support. The agency the substitute behavior specialist had recommended, didn’t feel like they could help me, but the one with the client confidante on involuntary care did. I was happy to find out that the same client supporter I’d spoken with several years ago regarding my move from the intensive support home to my current care home, was able to pick up my case.

In other news, today my now ex-wife and I received the letter that our divorce has been finalized. This means we’ll probably soon be talking selling the house. Otherwise, it doesn’t change much.

Over the month of July, I did engage in a few crafty and culinary activities. On Wednesday, I cooked the absolute blandest pasta pesto ever. I cooked it for my fellow residents too, but was so underwhelmed with the result myself that I didn’t even care to ask whether the others liked it. This did motivate me to learn more about the details of cooking beyond blindly following recipes.

June 2026 In Review

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the last day of the month and this means it’s time for my monthly review. June, overall, was quite an eventful month. It had its low lows, but thankfully it also had its ups.

I started the month with a few meetings with the substitute behavior specialist. She had opened quite the can of worms by asking me whether I’m at the right place here. Initially, I didn’t see it as a negative that she was questioning this, as she at the time worded it in such a way as to indicate there might be a better, more suitable place for me. Now, nearly a month on, I’m trying to hold on to this belief but the thought is creeping up onto me that the powers-that-be want me gone as soon as possible.

The reason I believe this, in part, is the fact that, to the staff, it appears the fact that I’m moving is a given. I hadn’t interpreted the substitute behavior specialist’s comments like this, but now that they’re all talking in terms of my “having to” move, the whole thing scares me. I’ve made it clear that I don’t want to be shoved around like a parcel, but some staff are already asking me whether I’d be okay with being transferred to a place that would be temporary again. Well, no. If (and I deliberately say “if”) I move again, it’ll be to a place in which I can stay and grow old.

Other happenings this month included the meeting with the client confidante on involuntary care. This meeting was attended by my assigned staff and the regular behavior specialist. I’m rather skeptical about the whole thing, among other things because the behavior specialist is adamant that the door between the two sides of the home needs to be locked “for peace and quiet”. Unfortunately, the staff aren’t able to accept the reality that, if the door is locked for us, it means there’s no way staff can be having their breaks on the other side of the home without the continuity of care being disrupted. It looks like the staff are far from realizing that this is our home first and only their workplace after that. I doubt with my being at least coerced into moving, I’ll have the time to cause an attitude shift here.

I also had my birthday this month, of course. I turned 40. Since I’d cut off contact with my parents earlier in the week, they didn’t visit. My sister and her family did. I got a gift card for one of my favorite online polymer clay supplies shops. Yesterday, I spent it on molds, cutters and paint. I can’t wait for the package to arrive.

I also celebrated my birthday with my best friend. Haven’t opened the package of polymer clay I got from her yet, but probably will soon. Tomorrow, I’ll be celebrating my birthday at the home. It was quite stressful to get all the ingredients for the caramel cheesecake delivered. I also couldn’t fully follow the recipe, as I’d initially wanted to make three cakes, then did two and well let’s just hope it isn’t one major fail. The cakes are now setting in the fridge.

My wife/best friend and I, like I said in my coffee share posts, are almost done with the divorce too. The signing session with the mediator did bring up some emotions for me, as did the video call with the lawyer, even though it in itself was a breeze. I’m still struggling with all the big issues that came up when I decided I certainly don’t want my parents or sister to make medical decisions for me should I become incapacitated, as they’ll automatically be asked to after the divorce if I don’t appoint someone else (like my best friend) myself.

I still haven’t been as involved with meaningful activities as I’d have liked, but I did cook several times and crafted a few things out of polymer clay. I also created bracelets for my nieces, but they were too small. The younger niece got the bracelet originally meant for her sister and I created a new one for the older one. She’ll have to wait until my sister visits again though. So will my sister, as I had bought a book for her but forgot to give it to her when she visited.

Speaking of books, I haven’t been reading much because my Braille display is acting up and I don’t want to damage it further in this heat. However, my best friend suggested I give audiobooks a try and so I did. I just finished a Dutch collection of stories from a medical examiner. This was a challenge I took up that ended up proving to be positive.

I also gave starting an Open University course some more thought. I know I said last year that I wanted to start and never did, but honestly what’s the worst that could happen if I do sign up? I could fail and that’d mean my money would be wasted. Not even entirely, as the difference between a failing grade and a passing grade is a certificate I won’t ever be using anyway. I mean, it’s not like I’ll need to complete a course for a job or anything. It’s currently the end of the academic year, so I’m considering starting in September.

Lastly, I actually wrote this post in the block editor again. Not that I can find any information on the discontinuation of the classic editor, but I’m just challenging myself. I know this post doesn’t contain any images, but I figured out that the images in my last post were indeed fine and I was once again worrying for nothing. I just saw that the error I got when running my images through my screen reader’s image description tool, occurs on many other blogs, even photography blogs. Now I’m relieved!

Not Dead Yet

Posted on by Astrid

“Not dead yet.” That phrase has been on my mind almost constantly for the past few days. It’s the name and/or slogan for a disability rights organization most specifically focused on campaigning against the “death with dignity” lobby.

Though I am 100% in support of every individual’s right to die when and how they want, the key here is “individual”. This means no-one should be pressured into dying either by family members or relatives, doctors or the government. This is why the phrase resonates with me.

My best friend and I are now almost officially divorced. I say “almost” because we’ll still separately have to talk to a lawyer via a video call next week. I however already updated my Facebook status and told my parents. This may’ve been a mistake less than two weeks before my birthday, but I can’t undo it now.

My parents are saying they’re worried I’ll end up lonely in the institution. No amount of me telling them nothing’s changed about the relationship with my best friend, convinces them otherwise. They’ve actually invited me (and explicitly just me, without my best friend) for dinner at a local-to-me restaurant on my birthday. Too bad I’ll already be meeting my best friend.

That’s not the worst though. The worst are all the comments my mother made on the phone about how she’d rather die than live like this, how hard it is for her to see relatives in care facilities, how I’ve only deteriorated over the past 20 years, etc. She herself claims she’s already made plans of ending her life in the event my father passes before her. I respect that choice, because like I said I’m all for the right to die. But it has to be a right. The way my mother spoke, it made me feel pressured to end my own life.

As poor as my quality of life is at times, I’d still like to be the one making the decision whether it’s so unbearable without a prospect of improvement that I’d rather be dead. I don’t need my parents’ opinion on that. And at this point, I’m choosing to stay alive whether my parents like it or not.

Care Needs to Be Suitable

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Yesterday, I came across a post on Facebook advising people who are feeling that the care they get doesn’t suit them. The basic point was care has to suit the client, not the other way around. In other words, as a client, you do not need to make yourself fit into the mold people caring for you have created.

I have struggled with this idea forever. In my case, there is an additional layer of complexity that the poster didn’t experience, in that not getting care isn’t an option for me. As such, if a care agency gives me the choice between consenting to whatever they want and being kicked out, it’s pretty much no choice. At least, in 2008, when the psych hospital gave me the choice between consenting to seclusion or discharge, they pretty much weren’t giving me a choice. Now, that “pretty much” doesn’t even apply, in that I’d be literally homeless without the institution. In this sense, my former staff who told me I’m easily replaceable, was right. It’s not like my staff would be unemployed without me, but I would be homeless without them.

This reality, however, has kept me silent far too long. Just because staff mean well and feel powerless themselves in the face of a complex case like me, doesn’t mean everything they do is justifiable or in my best interest.

Yesterday, I decided to apply for specialist client support. I used regular client support before and this is how the Center for Consultation and Expertise thing got started, but it’s been over eighteen months since I was in touch with this organization and it looks like I need more intisive, long-term help. I put on the application form that I’m struggling in multiple ways at my current care home.

The outcome may or may not be yet another move. I don’t want to decide either way yet, as I know that if I decide I want to stay here, it’ll likely mean having to put up with the current care situation, because my staff are at the end of their tethers. However, being that there simply aren’t enough people with my combination of needs in the Netherlands to form a home, I doubt any truly suitable place exists. This means that a care home, including the responsible higher-ups, has to full on agree that they want to and are able to adapt to meet my needs. That’s what I asked the behavior specialist responsible for this home at the time when I was put onto the waiting list to be placed here too, but apparently she wasn’t listening.

All I can hope for is that, with the help of the specialist client supporter, I can avoid this becoming yet another hopeless situation in which I’ll be involuntarily shoved down another home’s figurative throat and that home in turn will be shoved down my throat.

May 2026 In Review

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all! It’s the last day of the month and this means it’s time for my month in review. The month of May was harder than the month of April even and, if I had to summarize my attitude in one sentence, it’d be “I’ve had enough, this is the limit!”. Unfortunately, my saying that I’ve had enough, doesn’t mean people around me actually listen.

The month started with a weekend in which I experienced a major breakdown, during which I expressed quite a lot of hopelessness, leading to suicidal ideation. I expressed my despair in the living room with several other residents present. I realize this isn’t acceptable, but I can’t take full responsibility for the situation either. This among other things led the staff to decide to drag me to my room the next Monday for the crime of appearing in distress while in the living room outside of my one-on-one.

This was the final straw for me with respect to my staff disregarding my rights under the guise of my (or rather, other people’s) best interest and I decided to contact the client confidante on involuntary care. So far, even though I had the initial meeting with her three weeks ago, no luck planning a meeting with my support coordinator and behavior specialist and I doubt it’s ever going to happen. I’m currently at a very low point in my perpetually low trust of the powers-that-be. I would like to say I’ve hit rock bottom, but each time I say this, I realize things can get even worse.

All this does diminish my joy in the fun and meaningful activities I do engage in. Mind you, I still do occasionally do meaningful activities and I might start cooking for my side of the home again soon, but I doubt that with the way my staff are struggling to support me, it’s ever going to work.

My wife and I had two meetings on our divorce this month too. It’s been quite stressful even though we’re in agreement about what we want. The next meeting will be for us to sign the agreement and then our part of the process is over I think.

I’m noticing that, despite my hope of expanding my social circle this year, I’m self-isolating more. I did attend the monthly brain injury meeting this month but that’s as far as it goes. Nobody seems to want to support my hopes and dreams either and this frustrates me to no end, because with my executive dysfunction, I can’t pursue them without help.

I did start working in a neurodivergent-friendly dialectical behavior therapy workbook after I’d had the umpteenth argument with a staff. I’ve also let my support coordinator and assigned staff know I’d like to get help regulating my emotions, but I doubt it’s going to happen in a way that works for me. I mean, my staff obviously would like to see me suppress my needs and feelings again, while I do realize I need to express them less aggressively but this does mean expressing them earlier on.

A few weeks ago, the topic of whether I’m at the right care home was brought to the table yet again. I can’t shake the feeling that, so long as I haven’t become unmanageable to the staff yet, nothing will change and, if/when I do become unmanageable, I’ll be kicked right out. The higher-ups are trying to reassure me I won’t be kicked out “just like that”, but truthfully I don’t know what’d be worse: being kicked out or remaininng in my current place while nothing improves indefinitely.

Asserting My Rights

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Yesterday’s WordPress daily prompt was interesting. It asked us to explain what freedom means. I was originally inspired to write a post about human, civil and disability rights as they apply to my situation, but got distracted by family matters.

After last week being dragged to my room by both arms by two staff for the crime of being in the living room outside of my allocated one-on-one time and appearing (slightly) in distress, I decided to contact the client confidante on involuntary care. I remember writing about the Care and Force Act when it was just being introduced and being offended at the fact that it applies to anyone receiving care due to an intellectual disability (including acquired brain injury) or neurocognitive disorder (like Alzheimer’s, Huntington’s, etc.), not just institutionalized people. Like, under the old law, you had to be detained in an institution first before anything could be done against your (or your guardian’s in the case of being incapacitated) will. Now even those still living independently can receive “involuntary care”. And just for clarity’s sake: “involuntary care” is a euphemism for anything being done against your will, including being locked in or out of a room, forced medication, etc. As an example, if someone with dementia constantly leaves the stove on, they can be involuntarily locked out of the kitchen. Yes, even in their own homes!

However, after speaking to the confidante, I realized the Care and Force Act isn’t a free pass to do as you please if you happen to be a care provider. In fact, I’m now pretty sure that it’s indeed giving the client more rather than fewer rights, at least if they (or their guardian) knows how to assert those rights. And I know now!

Yesterday, the client confidante came by to discuss last week’s incident with me. I had given both staff involved one chance to talk it over with me before. The one leading the “involuntary care” wouldn’t budge and told me she’d talked it over with the behavior specialist, team leader and my assigned staff. She kept claiming forcing me to my room was in the other clients’ best interest. I learned yesterday that the Care and Force Act isn’t about best interest, but about “significant disadvantage”. This means that someone (either the client involved or someone else) has to be at risk of suffering significant harm (in any form, including psychological) if the “involuntary care” isn’t provided. It also requires that “involuntary care” be the last resort. In this case, the staff asked me verbally to go to my room twice, then threatened to ask her coworker to “help” then gestured to her and then they dragged me to my room. That’s not a matter of last resort!

The other staff involved used to be one of my most trusted staff. She initially blamed her coworker for forcing her into a quick decision, until I learned that they’d talked it over before I even went into the living room. Then she finally half-heartedly apologized.

This incident, however, was only the final straw again. After talking to the client confidante and being informed of my rights, I feel that a can of worms was opened of things that staff (used to) do against my will.

For example, this home is locked as a measure of “involuntary care” for two fellow clients at risk of eloping. This is in itself a questionable measure, but the thing affecting me is my being given a black-or-white choice between the door being opened at every hint that I want to leave or my not being allowed to leave the home without explicit permission at all. A similar thing is staff constantly telling me they aren’t allowed to force me into activities as an excuse to lay back at my every hint that I don’t want to do a certain activity.

Another example is the client portal with my records. I have requested access to it multiple times but the question has always been flat out ignored.

I called the confidante this morning requesting that I be allowed to E-mail her with my further concerns/questions. I did so this afternoon. Earlier this evening, fear hit me hard. What if the powers-that-be decide to give me a choice between consenting to whatever they please and being kicked out? This happened once in the psychiatric hospital and well shotgun consent but they got it.

Same when the social worker threatened to declare me incapable of decision-making and make my parents my guardian unless I signed application forms for a home everyone should’ve known I didn’t meet the criteria for. I sent the confidante another E-mail this evening asking whether the institution could legally do this and, if so, whether there’d be any chance that my parents or sister would be appointed as guardians rather than my wife, especially after our divorce.

The confidante will E-mail my support coordinator asking her to schedule a meeting between her, the behavior specialist and me with the confidante leading the process. She told me I’m allowed to file a formal complaint after that. I’ll give it some thought, but that causes me intense fear too. After all, even if no-one can legally threaten me with forced discharge or guardianship, that doesn’t mean they won’t try.

April 2026 In Review

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m once again joining Natalie’s monthly recap. April was a month of high hopes. I started my new day schedule, which I figured out pretty quickly wasn’t working, in part because my assigned staff had randomly added several unrelated activities to each time slot. What I had hoped for, was a schedule organized around activities that logically follow one another, rather than it being about rigid time slots. I’m still trying to persuade my assigned staff (who is unfortunately still on part-time sick leave), my support coordinator (who will be off for a long while starting next week) and the behavior specialist (who I have only spoken to once) to change this. However, even though I explained why I believe it’d work in several E-mails, I doubt it’ll be implemented, simply because it requires my staff to be more flexible with my one-on-one.

I’ve realized more and more over the past month that no-one really knows my needs. And that includes me. Some people say I’m autistic and need lots of structure and “clarity” (which they confuse with bluntness). Others believe I have attachment issues and need to build trust in my staff, only to be told that I do chatter to some random temp workers so it’s just me being unwilling. Some say that my emotional development is comparable to that of a toddler while others counter that I’m verbally more capable than some of them. Some say I need to process my trauma, but all the while they add extra layers onto it. And that’s not even speaking about my brain injury, my blindness or the fact that I’m “getting older”, which my physician blames for everything.

This month included a few cooking and baking activities, but not as many as my day schedule allows for. I only did crafty activities twice even though it’s now in my day schedule twice a week. Staff often blame me for not “wanting” even though the few times staff actually asked me, I did get something done. Thankfully, I still do enjoy each time I get to do a cooking or baking activity, work with polymer clay or ride the side-by-side bike.

I’m trying to consume fewer animal products. I was inspired both by my wife, who is a vegan, as well as by the new Dutch food pyramid. I cooked a vegan curry for this side of the home at the end of March. In early April, I cooked a chicken pasta for myself, but the other two meals I cooked this past month have been vegan. One was another curry. The image description app I used correctly identified one of the ingredients as sweet potato, which I think is rather cool.

The other was baked potatoes, onion, bell peppers and a veggie schnitzel (which the EU has decided soon can’t be called schnitzel anymore due to it not containing animal, despite no-one knowing where a cow’s schnitzel is located on its body).

Last month, I said the month was hard only to conclude at the end of writing my post that it was better than I had initially thought. I unfortunately can’t say so of April. The last few days have been slightly less horrible than the weeks prior, but I’m not getting my hopes up about this continuing in the right direction. I feel a little guilty about this, because I did do more cooking activities than I used to do. I’m wondering whether I might be depressed or something. Since I’m also experiencing significantly more sensory overload than I used to, something neurological might also be going on. I’m getting bloodwork soon to rule out a vitamin deficiency (possibly B12), because I’ve been on pantoprazole in a high dose for years and have a history of several deficiencies. I’m not sure what I hope the test will show.

Joy and the Fear It Induces #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m once again late writing my post in the #AtoZChallenge. Today is another hard day. Last week when talking to my support coordinator, I realized one of the problems might be the fact that I think I don’t deserve to be happy. This is not necessarily all there is to my trauma-related symptoms and, besides, is it still paranoia if they are actually out to get you?

I’ve mentioned the fear of joy before. It has been following me forever, since learning that I was losing the little sight I had at around age seven. I always prepared for the day when I’d go totally blind. That day still technically hasn’t come, although I can hardly call the tiny bit of light perception I do have sight.

Then there is Jolanda Venema. Dutch people who are in their fifties or older will no doubt remember her photo in a newspaper in 1988. She was chained to a bed, stripped naked, in an institution for people with intellectual disability. I learned a few years ago that it was actually the institution I live in now. I am not old enough to have actually seen the original newspaper article, but I did learn about a similar case in a child and adolescent psychiatric unit in Utrecht in around 1997. This particular girl, a 16-year-old at the time whose name I forgot, was even more like me than Jolanda, in that she had a borderline normal IQ. Cases like these have always haunted me, but that got worse when I entered the care system in 2005 and more so when I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital in 2007. At the time, staff literally told me that, when I needed more support than the three nurses to sixteen acutely ill patients (if they weren’t understaffed) could provide, I’d be locked up in seclusion. And I was. And coerced into taking high doses of medication to prevent me being secluded tons of times after that.

I know for a fact that I’m not allowed to be truly happy. The adage in care is, after all, that it’s better to provide okay’ish care to two people than excellent care to one. And I would’ve agreed if care ever had been excellent. But it never was in the 20+ years I’ve been in the system and not in the 20+ years before that. At least not for people like me and Jolanda.

This doesn’t mean I never experience moments of joy and I do try to acknowledge them. I’m not purposefully being more negative in order to elicit better care. If anything, the opposite is true. However, as another incident this evening proved, most people don’t nearly try their hardest and they don’t think others do either. Well guess what? I do! That doesn’t mean joyful moments don’t induce fear, but fear is not a choice. Besides, like I said, is it still paranoia if they are actually out to get you? I don’t think so.

Institutional Abuse: Abuse in the Care System #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone and welcome to my letter I post in the #AtoZChallenge. Today I want to talk about trauma that I for one didn’t experience in childhood: trauma and particularly abuse experienced in the care system. I’m struggling majorly with this, as just this evening I had an aggressive meltdown that led to me being thrown to the ground by one staff and another staff admitting that the only reason I’m not being locked up or physically restrained is the fact that I’m not strong enough.

I want to say here that my choice of words is a bit tricky. Is it “abuse” if the client was themself aggressive, even if it was “just” verbally? I am struggling intensely with the fact that, on the one hand, my wife never locked me into a room or threw me to the ground even though I was quite a nasty person to her at times when we were living together, but on the other, there are just two staff to ten clients here. I try to understand that staff are people too and not necessarily worse people than others are. My wife sometimes said that the staff at the intensive support home were ill-intentioned at best, but I doubt it. My point is, people are part of a system. When that system is purposefully created to oppress some people, yes, the “low-key” oppressors are to blame too, but that doesn’t make them personally bad people. Many unfortunately don’t realize how much they’re accustomed to using (and abusing) their power. In fact, where it comes to care staff, most don’t even have a clue that they’re higher up in the pecking order than us clients are.

That doesn’t mean that the (ab)use of power doesn’t affect us. I mean, I was once, at the intensive support home, told that if I were dragged to my room, I had probably asked for it with my behavior. The thing is, even if I had, that doesn’t make being physically dragged not traumatic. Similarly, I can totally understand why the staff this evening threw me to the ground (I’m not even 100% sure he intended on me landing on my head), but that doesn’t mean my head doesn’t hurt.

One last thing I want to discuss, is the fact that institutional abuse may technically be a staff’s action (or inaction), but it is the result of a long line of decisions made by management, the Care Office or other funding agency and ultimately the government. It is not the client “choosing” to be restrained/locked up/drugged/etc. with their behavior and, like I said, the staff are the ones doing it, but if the government chooses a lock or shot is cheaper than support, they are the ones ultimately responsible.

March 2026 In Review

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the last day of the month and that means I’m joining Natalie for her monthly wrap-up. March was a tough month. As I say this, I hear a little voice in my head saying I’ll never be happy anyway as I’m so negative. One of my staff on Sunday said I have nothing to complain about because I get regular support workers and my day schedule is followed. I still wonder how much of my dissatisfaction is indeed due to circumstances that can be changed, such as my day schedule, how much is due to the inherent nature of my being multiply-disabled and living in long-term care and how much is my attitude.

In any case, early in the month I heard that my activity-based day schedule would be taking effect on April 1. That’s tomorrow. Unfortunately, on the same day, the staff’s hours are going to change and this, even though the literal hours they are in the home won’t be cut, means my support will be cut a little. We’ll see how that goes.

I tried to adapt to the new support hours already and this was incredibly hard. I also tried to myself follow a schedule with more meaningful activities. This was partly successful, especially with staff who are already able to help me get more meaningful activities done. For example, last week, one of the staff helped me create a unicorn-themed card for a former fellow resident from the intensive support home, who had her birthday that day.

Thankfully, one staff, with whom until then I’d only been doing dice games and going for walks, herself took the initiative to ask a colleague to orient her to the polymer clay activity.

I have been cooking and baking more than I used to. For example, I baked so-called “healthy” brownies that I fully intended on handing out at the monthly local brain injury meet-up. They weren’t all that good though.

Later, I found out I had a Trojan on my computer that came with the recipe manager app I used to download random recipes off Facebook into, including this “healthy” brownie recipe.

Before I found out I had malware on my computer, I had been obsessing over the idea of cooking vegetarian curries. Most of the recipes, I got off English-language food websites like BBC Good Food, so I’m not sure I’ll be able to use them. After all, though my English is quite good, my staff’s might not be.

Last Saturday, I cooked a delicious cauliflower, tomato and chickpea curry. This recipe was in Dutch, by the way.

Now that I look over this post, I wonder what made the month so tough, given that I once again did more meaningful activities than I used to. I do believe part of the problem is the fact that I’m still not adequately supported when I’m struggling. I mean, highs and lows are to be expected even when you’re having the proverbial time of your life. When people expect me to have a positive outlook because “I have nothing to complain about”, that is horribly invalidating. Life in the care system isn’t great and it isn’t meant to be. I don’t expect to ever rate my days higher than a seven out of ten, but when staff do have this expectation of me, it’s incredibly frustrating. I’m hoping something can be done about this.

Of course, this was also the month I finally realized I’ll never have an okay relationship with my parents. It’s tough realizing I never experienced a proper bond with my parents and even tougher to know that no-one can replace it. However, I do think I’m more capable than I used to believe. I’m not sure how I feel about that.