July 2019 – A Multitude of Musings

Candy Cake

Posted on July 30, 2019 by Astrid

I want to write more often about the ordinary things I experience in daily life, particularly those I’m grateful for. I considered doing a daily gratitude post or the like, but I guess that would get boring. Today though, I have some really joyous experiences I want to write about.

I may or may not have shared that, when my husband and I got married in 2011, we got a homemade liquorice cake from the staff and patients at the psychiatric unit I resided at. The bottom was made out of a Dutch candy called foam blocks. These are really made entirely of pressed-together powdered sugar and they’re yuck. The top, however, was layered with my favorite sweet liquorice. I loved it!

When my support coordinator and I were in the process of appealing the authority’s decision to deny me long-term care funding, we agreed to make another liquorice cake if we succeeded. And we did! Today, we made the cake.

As you can probably see, we didn’t choose foam blocks for the bottom layer. Instead, my support coordinator bought waffles, which are not only more tasty but also softer. This meant that my fellow clients at day activities who have swallowing difficulties, could at least eat some of the cake. After all, they can’t eat liquorice.

We then made a layer of marshmallow diamonds. Then we layered the top with an assortment of winegums, sugared candy and liquorice. Finally, my support coordinator sprinkled sugared pop rice over it. In the middle, we stuck a candle in the shape of the number four into one of the marshmallows. This symbolizes the fact that I got my funding approved on June 4.

My support coordinator took the picture above, so that I can show it to my husband and on this blog. Seeing AI, my image recognition software, did recognize the picture as being of a cake.

We ate some of the cake at our mid-afternoon coffee break at day activities. Though the other clients don’t understand the reason I made this cake, they definitely enjoyed it. And so did I!

Song Lyric Sunday: Movies

Posted on July 28, 2019May 9, 2021 by Astrid

I am rather late to join in with Song Lyric Sunday and I’m twisting the prompt a little. After all, I rarely if ever watch movies, so I have no idea what songs are in them. For this reason, I’m going with a song that wasn’t a movie title song, but should have been. Tom Lehrer famously introduces this song that he proposes as the motion picture title song for the movie Oedipus Rex. I am too lazy to look up the lyrics that include the introduction though.

Song Title: Oedipus Rex
Singer/Songwriter: Tom Lehrer
Release Date: 1959

From the Bible to the popular song
There’s one theme that we find right along
Of all ideals they hail as good
The most sublime is motherhood

There was a man though, who it seems
Once carried this ideal to extremes
He loved his mother and she loved him
And yet his story is rather grim

There once lived a man named Oedipus Rex
You may have heard about his odd complex
His name appears in Freud’s index
Cause he loved his mother

His rivals used to say quite a bit
That as a monarch he was most unfit
But still in all they had to admit
That he loved his mother

Yes, he loved his mother like no other
His daughter was his sister and his son was his brother
One thing on which you can depend is
He sure knew who a boy’s best friend is

When he found what he had done
He tore his eyes out, one by one
A tragic end to a loyal son
Who loved his mother

So be sweet and kind to mother
Now and then have a chat
Buy her candy or some flowers
Or a brand new hat
But maybe you had better let it go at that

Or you may find yourself with a quite complex complex
And you may end up like Oedipus
I’d rather marry a duck-billed platypus
Than end up like old Oedipus Rex

Working On Us Prompt: Coping With Crisis

Posted on July 28, 2019May 10, 2021 by Astrid

Today, I’m once again joining in with Beckie’s Working On Us Prompt. This week, the topic is to write a narrative of what works for you when facing a panic or anxiety attack, manic episode or other crisis. I don’t get panic or anxiety attacks much or mania at all, so I’m going to describe what works for me when I’m in an emotionally dysregulated crisis.

Like I’ve said before, I have BPD (traits). These are also known as emotion regulation issues. I also experience complex PTSD symptoms. Both can cause me to suffer emotional outbursts. In addition, I can get severely overloaded due to my autism. This can cause me meltdowns, which in some ways are similar to BPD outbursts. In fact, I’m not 100% sure my BPD diagnosis is correct given that autistics, particularly women, are often misdiagnosed as BPD.

Anyway, I usually notice an outburst coming on when I experience an increase in sensory reactivity. I also often start to experience a decrease in my language abilities. I start to stutter or can only make humming noises and repeat the same phrases. My staff at day activities say that when in this state, my communication abilities resemble those of a toddler. It is interesting, in that we have only one toddler alter. When I can’t do something to calm down, I may progress to a full-blown state of meltdown, in which I become angry and sometimes aggressive or self-injurious.

What helps me when I’m in such a state, is to physicaly remove myself from the situation. This is hard though, as often it feels as though everything that happens around me is important. Usually, my staff help me by clarifying what’s important and what is not.

Of course, now that I still live independently, I don’t always have a staff member available to help me sort through a crisis or make suggestions on how I can cope. I, however, have a phone number of a psych hospital I can call in a state when I’m close to a crisis. They can’t do much but listen to me and try to offer advice, but it’s definitely been helpful in some situations. The mental health team that treats me also has a staff available on the phone for crisis intervention during office hours.

Sometimes, when I’m in a really bad crisis, I take my PRN lorazepam. However, I have some experience with it being overused on me in the psych hospital. Like, whenever I’d react to a sound in an irritated tone of voice, staff would tell me to take a lorazepam rather than helping me to figure out what was causing me overload. This has really gotten me weary of PRN medication.

Gratitude List (July 27, 2019) #TToT

Posted on July 27, 2019 by Astrid

I haven’t participated in #TToT in forever. Today, I’m wanting to join in once again. I recently joined their Facebook group too and I promised to be active then. So here are the things I’ve been grateful for lately.

1. A lovely walk on Monday. We got a heatwave here, so for most of the week, it’s been impossible to exercise or go outside much at all. It’s summer break, so the intern who normally takes me on the weekly walk, isn’t there. Thankfully, the staff decided they can have me join in the walk anyway.

2. My computer behaving as it’s supposed to. I got a new PC a few weeks ago and sold my Mac and overall, I’m so happy I did. It took a little getting used to trying to figure out E-mail, feed readers and such, during which time I spent $36 on a feed reader that wasn’t ideal. Then I finally decided that if I just accept that I’ll need to use both Google Chrome and Firefox regularly, I’ll do fine with my old friend (no pun intended) The Old Reader. It after all works fine in Google Chrome, but Facebook doesn’t. Now I’m just so delighted I have a Windows PC again.

3. Having been able to save more money than I expected. I will probably soon get a bill for €140 a month or more in copay for my long-term care. My husband offered to contribute more to our monthly bills so that I do not have to be responsible for cutting the full amount of money, but I’ll still need to save some. As such, I’m so delighted that I saved over €100 more than I’d expected during the month of July.

4. My husband and I probably buying a house soon. We placed an offer on it last week and, after some negotiation, reached an agreement on the price. We’ll soon sign the draft agreement and hopefully be house owners by late September or early October.

5. Having gotten through the worst of the heatwave. It was boring at day activities, because I couldn’t go outside. Then again, I made it through and did okay. I made sure to drink enough water. As a side note, my autistic perseveration side does love the weather records that were broken.

6. Peaches. I bought some with my support worker on Thursday. I love summer fruits, but blueberries are too expensive for my budget now.

7. One-on-one time with a support staff at day activities on Friday. She had to return a walker to another day center that they’d been trying out for another client. She offered to take me, so we drove to the other day center, then to a hotel to have a drink at its restaurant. She told me to have something to eat too, so I chose tiramisu. My husband’s tiramisu is better, but still it was a great treat.

8. The weather being slightly cooler now. Like I said, all heat records were broken on Wednesday and Thursday and, though it’s still pretty hot, I’m enjoying the slightly less extreme temperatures now. Mind you, it’s still supposed to have gotten to 30 degrees Celsius today, but it feels almost cold now that my husband just opened my window. (I can’t open or close my window because I can’t reach that far.) Phew!

As you can see, I didn’t get to ten things to be thankful for. I blame this on the heat and my brain melting away. I hope you’ve all been grateful lately.

Friendly Fill-Ins Week #167

Posted on July 26, 2019 by Astrid

I discovered Friendly Fill-Ins already over a year ago, but rarely joined in. Especially since I stopped using my old PC, it was hard, because I couldn’t copy the questions on my iPhone and my Mac was giving me a pain too. Now I’m trying to get used to my new PC and am learning to write blog posts on it too. It is lovely. Today, I’m joining in with Friendly Fill-Ins week #167. Here are the questions.

If I had ________________, I would _________________________.

___________________ sparks my creativity.

_________ keeps me up at night.

I only just recently learned _________.

My Answers

1. If I had a lot of money, I would get myself my very own sensory room. My husband has said that, if he ever wins the lottery, he’ll give me my own fully furnished snoezelen® room. Not that he ever plays in the lottery and neither do I. I already have a lot of sensory equipment, but I’m discovering new stuff almost on a daily basis.

2. Discovering writing challenges and journaling prompts sparks my creativity. Not that I’m very creative at all. I always plan to soon write some poem or piece of flash fiction, but I never get to it. I love to freewrite, but somehow, I feel held back in doing so. As such, journaling prompts and writing challenges do help me.

3. The heat keeps me up at night. At least right now. Although I must say, when my husband leaves the house at 5AM and I try to go back to sleep, I often shiver if the fan is still on and the window open.

4. I only just recently learned about what’s involved when you’re buying a house. As regular readers may know, my husband and I saw a house we may want to buy last week. Well, technically my husband saw it, as he visited it right out of work, and I accepted his description at face value. I am not sure I’m allowed to disclose this on my blog, but we reached an agreement with the seller on a price and are now working out the details of the contract. I have no idea about such things as finding a solicitor, getting a mortgage and all that. As a side note, the house is too small for me to have my own room, let alone a sensory room. However, since I’ll hopefully move into a care facility sometime in the not-too-distant future, I’m just hoping I’ll be able to use the facility’s sensory room.

Happy Blogiversary to Me

Posted on July 25, 2019 by Astrid

Today is my one-year anniversary of creating this blog. I wanted to acknowledge it, since with all my previous blogs, I’ve not really had a blogiversary. After all, I either didn’t keep them for a year, or I switched sites sometime. Like, my original blog gradually emerged from an online diary. Though I remember exactly when I moved it to WordPress, I never considered that day my blogiversary. Blogging Astrid started on Blogger and moved to WordPress three months in. I then deleted my introductory post, because it had references to Blogger in it.

I’m not really one for sticking to a blogging strategy long anyway. I mean, I originally intended this blog to be a diary, but it never got to be one as much. I still seem afraid to be “caught” and to want my posts to be “blog-worthy”. As a result, my posting frequency has significantly decreased.

Today is an incredibly hot day. Temperatures have reached 40 degrees Celsius and at midnight, it’s still supposed to be 30 degrees. Being that I will have to go to bed around 10PM, I’ll most likely be soaring for the rest of the day. Tomorrow is supposed to be just as hot. As such, I do not feel like writing an extensive post to celebrate my blogiversary.

I’m spending the day reading and finding new books to put on my TBR list. I’m also making sure I drink water every hour. Still, the heat can’t pass soon enough if you ask me. Both of my support staff visited me today. I went to the grocery store with my support worker this morning. Thankfully, she had air conditioning in the car and the store was also air-conditioned. With my support coordinator, I just chatted a little. Normally, we go for walks, but that’s just not possible in this heat.

My room is the hottest in the entire house. Still, I like my desk best for a workspace, so I’m not moving my laptop downstairs to write.

I hope you all are keeping calm and as cool as possible.

20 Questions Book Tag

Posted on July 22, 2019May 9, 2021 by Astrid

I found the 20 Questions Book Tag when searching for interesting tags to fill out. I am not that much of a bookaholic, but I love to read a good book every once in a while. And I love talking books!

1. HOW MANY BOOKS ARE TOO MANY FOR A SERIES?
Two. I don’t like reading book series.

2. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT CLIFFHANGERS?
Love to hate them. I always get pretty tense when I find one, but they do keep abook interesting.

3. HARDCOVER OR PAPERBACK?
Neither, as I am blind. Give me an eBook instead. When I used to scan books to read them, I preferred hardcover.

4. FAVOURITE BOOK?
I don’t have one. There are quite a few that stick with me. My favorite genres are YA social issues books and memoirs.

5. LEAST FAVOURITE BOOK?
Lucky Jim by Kingsley Amis. I had to read it for English in high school, but hated it.

6. LOVE TRIANGLES, YES OR NO?
I don’t mind to read about them, but I don’t really consider them a turn-on book-wise either and I wouldn’t want to be in the middle of one.

7. THE MOST RECENT BOOK YOU COULDN’T FINISH?
The Memory of Light by Francisco X. Stork. At least, that’s the most recent one I’ve given up on finishing. I tend to take forever to read some books, so I rarely consider a book unfinishable.

8. A BOOK YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING?
Angels in Our Hearts by Rosie Lewis and Casey Watson.

9. LAST BOOK YOU RECOMMENDED TO SOMEONE?
Same as above, although I haven’t actually finished it.

10. OLDEST BOOK YOU’VE READ BY PUBLICATION DATE?
Wuthering Heights, but I read a simplified version in eighth grade. Other than this one, I guess Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, which was published in 1932.

11. NEWEST BOOK YOU’VE READ BY PUBLICATION DATE?
I’m not sure. I think it was Finding Stevie by Cathy Glass, which was published in February.

12. FAVOURITE AUTHOR?
If non-fiction/memoir authors count (and I’m deciding they do), Cathy Glass. Otherwise, Lisa Genova or Jodi Picoult.

13. BUYING BOOKS OR BORROWING BOOKS?
Both. I buy books on Amazon and borrow them on Bookshare and in the Dutch library for the blind, although rarely there nowadays.

14. A BOOK YOU DISLIKE THAT EVERYONE SEEMS TO LOVE?
Not anything I’ve actually read, but I can’t imagine I’d like the Harry Potter series. No, I haven’t read any of the books.

15. BOOKMARKS OR DOG EARS?
Bookmarks!

16. A BOOK YOU CAN ALWAYS RE-READ?
I rarely reread books, actually.

17. CAN YOU READ WHILE LISTENING TO MUSIC?
No. I can’t do much while listening to music anyway. I used to be able to though as a teen.

18. ONE POV OR MULTIPLE?
I like both, but the books I’ve most enjoyed have multiple.

19. DO YOU READ A BOOK IN ONE SITTING OR OVER MULTIPLE DAYS?
Always over multiple days. I mean, I’m a slow reader, so I can’t ever physically finish a book in one day.

20. WHO DO YOU TAG?
Carol Anne of Therapy Bits
and Emilia of My Inner MishMash. Others are free to consider themslves tagged.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (July 21, 2019)

Posted on July 21, 2019 by Astrid

It’s Sunday again and, though I have lots of things I want to write about, I cannot seem to get started. I am however enjoying once again joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s lovely to catch up with people who visit my blog each week for this hop.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I’m sweating, even though it’s supposed not to be that very hot here now. Only about 23 degrees Celsius. I guess my room keeps the heat. Next week, the temperatures are supposed to rise to 35 degrees Celsius or more.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I need your prayers, positive thoughts and crossed fingers re our house-hunting journey. We found a house we may want to buy. Yesterday, my husband took me on a tour of the town.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I had a lovely day yesterday at my in-laws’ house. My father-in-law is about to return from his vacation in about an hour, so it was just my husband, me and my mother-in-law. My husband cooked up a tasty dinner of pasta with cheese, minced meat and zucchini. When we returned home, we drove right through a thunderstorm. This was a bit scary.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I’m currently reading Angels in Our Hearts by Rosie Lewis and Casey Watson. I just finished the second story. It is a really good book.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that my husband helped me tidy my room today. We threw out a lot of my soaping stuff that had expired.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share that I’m really wanting to pick up creative writing again, but somehow, I feel stuck.

How was your week and how is your week-end going?

Working On Us Prompt: Suicide and Suicidal Thoughts

Posted on July 20, 2019May 10, 2021 by Astrid

I have lots of things I want to write about, and yet all I do is sit behind my computer and try to figure out which feed reader would be best (or least bad) on my Windows PC. I’ve yet to make a final decision, but I’m frustrated with it for now.

I’m joining in with Beckie’s Working On Us Prompt again. This time, the topic of discussion is suicidal ideation and suicide attempts.

As regular readers of my blog know, I do experience suicidal ideation on a regular basis. I have in fact lived with re-occurring suicidal ideation ever since the age of seven or so. My most severe suicidal break however was in 2007, when I was 21. Ironically, my parents thought that, since I had had suicidal thoughts on and off ever since age seven, I must not be serious and it all must just be “for attention”. Well, let me be very clear on this: suicidal thoughts are no fun and, if they ever happen “for attention”, there probably is a very good reason the sufferer is seeking attention.

I had never attempted suicide when I had my break in 2007. This break too involved “just” threats. However, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t genuinely struggling. I genuinely thought death was my only option. Same when, in 2002, I wrote a goodbye letter but had no idea how to go about actually taking the final step. People commonly say that, if you truly want to end it all, you will and, if a suicide attempt fails, it must not have been serious. That’s not necessarily true. People die from impulsive suicide attempts and people who’ve tried to kill themselves many times and are adamant they want to die, may still be alive.

In 2007, I was hospitalized, because my suicidal ideation was so serious that I needed help for it. That is, because I was suicidal due to be overwhelmed living independently and going to university, it helpd already to be taken out of the situation. That doesn’t mean my suicidal thoughts were gone immediately. That took at least three months and they’ve returned frequently since.

I did not actually get much help overcoming my suicidal thoughts. When I was on the locked unit, I had no therapy and no medication other than PRN oxazepam. I started therapy at the resocialization unit, but it was mostly just supportive.
In 2017, after my discharge from the psychiatric hospital, I made two suicide attempts by overdosing on medication. I am hesitant to call them suicide attempts, because both were impulsive and I’m not sure my intent was to die. I was most definitely depressed though. My suicide attempts were “for attention”, yes, but I had a very valid reason to seek attention.

Month: July 2019

My Answers