Ten Things I Hate to Love

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining Marsha’s 10 on the 10th linky once again. It’s been forever. Today, we’re sharing things we hate to love. You know, those things you secretly love but feel a little (or a lot of) embarrassment about loving. In no particular order, here are mine. I realize that many of these are not considered generally bad, but I’m choosing to write about things that I have cognitive dissonance about loving.

1. Tarot and astrology and the like. These are not necessarily weird per se, but I sometimes feel weird about loving them because I’m non-religious and grew up with atheist, strongly science-minded parents.

2. The Enneagram. Same as above, but with an added layer of it having pretty much been claimed by Christians. I’m not a Christian and one of the reasons for that is the fact that most mainstream Christians are openly queerphobic. I could, of course, call myself a progressive Christian, but then I’d not be playing by the rules of that religion, as indeed the Bible condemns homosexuality. I still read some Christian-based works and wonder whether that should be its own bullet point on this list. Anyway, I know that the Enneagram is not science-based at all, but I love it nonetheless.

3. Articles, blogs etc. about parenting and children. I don’t love these as much as I used to when I was in my late twenties, but I still find myself drawn to them. For someone who is happily childfree, this is a bit weird.

4. Scrolling online. I do it a lot and always feel bad about how it means my time has been wasted.

5. Gossiping. I don’t share as much info as I gather information that isn’t mine to gather. I honestly wouldn’t even call this something I love, but it’s something I do a lot and it’s quite distressing.

6. Online shopping. I love it, but it’s a pain to get things delivered here.

7. Lying in bed during the day. Again, something I do almost daily but feel bad about because it means I’ve wasted my days.

8. Junk food. I could write an entire list of things I hate to love that are food-related: candy, French fries, large cookies (particularly stroopwafels), etc. Rather, I’m grouping them into one item. As regular readers of my blog know, I used to struggle with disordered eating, particularly overeating and some purging. I’m so glad I no longer binge, but I snack way more than I should.

9. Nail-biting. And many other body-focused repetitive behaviors I won’t go into on my blog.

10. So many things that are generally thought of as more suitable for (young) children. Think stuffed animals, chapter books, kids’ bedtime story podcasts, etc. I could say it’s my alters (I have symptoms of dissociative identity disorder), but I’m not so sure that’s true.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (February 6, 2026)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare again. No more coffee for me today, as it’s nearly 8PM. Please grab yourself a cup of your favorite beverage though and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been all over the place. We’ve had rain, sunshine, temperatures around 9°C and freezing nights. In the province of Groningen, there was a code red weather warning for ice.

If we were having coffee, then I’d share that I haven’t been very physically active again this past week. That is, I did go for walks almost each day, but I didn’t do any other exercise.

If we were having coffee, I would share that I however was quite crafty over the week. I made a bracelet and tried making another one. I also tried to work with a texture mat on polymer clay for the first time today. The result was interesting.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that the homemade granola I baked last week was a great success. I made another batch on Wednesday, this time adding instant coffee. This one didn’t turn out as awesome as the previous one and I’m not sure whether it’s the nuts maybe having gotten slightly burned or it’s the coffee flavor not matching well with the other flavors. I gave some to a fellow resident who likes trying homemade food, but he didn’t like it.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I finally heard from the Center for Consultation and Expertise (CCE) consultant. I received a short note describing recommendations she’d make to my care team. She’s going to provide continuing education to the care team on these things.

I don’t know how to feel about the whole thing. On the one hand, I’d like to see her saying she’s going to educate the team as a sign that I don’t need to change but the team’s approach to me does. On the other hand, it still stings that she hardly spoke to me and not at all without the staff being present. I still have quite a lot of questions, but her work with me has ended with this letter.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that the occupational therapist came by here this week to shed some light on ways to help me cope with my hand tremors. She hoped a weighted wristband would help. I was initially quite optimistic, but on the first try when my hand was trembling, I noticed it not only made no difference in that respect, but the thing was in the way when I tried to operate my iPhone.

I from noticing that got rather frustrated once again about the doctor not being clear about what causes these tremors. She claims it’s aging, stress and maybe medication, yet refuses to taper my meds more quickly. I’m kind of worried that, like the CCE consultant and practically everyone involved in my care, she’s not giving me the full story. I know I have a right to information regarding my medical care, but there are exceptions to this when the clinician believes this information would significantly harm the patient. If this is the reason I keep getting only vague comments about my medical situation, I want to tell my physician I’ve already envisioned the worst and the uncertainty is more harmful to me than it would be knowing I have, like, a neurodegenerative disease.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share that my ears are blocked and I hardly hear a thing out of my right ear. I will get them syringed on Sunday.

This Divorce Thing Stirs Up More Than I’d Like to Admit…

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all. Earlier this evening, I started in a book called something like Bitchslap Journaling. It is a spiritually-based journaling guide. The original Bitchslap prompt is to write down what you desire, need and expect. The author advised readers to use tarot cards for further reflection.

My initial thought re my desire was related to my care. I desire to experience more, do more fun activities, finally create that standing unicorn…

Then I drew a tarot card on Labyrinthos: I got the Seven of Cups. Cups are about relationships and love. Off the top of my head, I can’t remember what the author of the Bitchslap journaling book said Sevens mean and my Kindle app keeps crashing, but it wasn’t pretty.

Today, my wife had a visit from a person to determine the value of our house because of financial aspects related to our divorce. The outcome of this assessment doesn’t change my opinion on financial matters, but it is yet another reminder that we’re truly divorcing.

Last Sunday, when my wife and I were talking about the divorce, I said I couldn’t care less about it. What I meant is I couldn’t care less whether we divorce or stay married, in that little has changed to make me want to divorce. I was pretty clear when we first got married that we wouldn’t be living together. The thought of living together did enter our minds about a month after we got married when a living place that I’d been on the waiting list for over a year for turned out not to be suitable for me. Regular readers know the rest: after years of constantly making up our minds about whether we wanted to live together or not, I was forced to live with my wife because the psychiatric hospital kicked me out. This is one positive of us divorcing for me: the care agency won’t be able to use my wife as an excuse to kick me out.

Other than that though, even though I know rationally that we never had the kind of relationship spouses usually do, this whole thing makes me feel distressed.

I don’t want to go into the details of why my wife and I are divorcing on a public blog. Suffice it to say that, like I said, we never had the kind of relationship spouses usually do. We were always more like best friends than lovers and that’s not going to change. Looking back, we should never have gotten married.

Still, my wife feels like my safe person and I fear that’s going to change once we’re divorced. The house is only a symbol of that. I know that if I showed up at her doorstep saying I was going to live with her again, things’d be much, much messier than they are now. Still though, it hurts to know I essentially signed myself up for a life in institutions and there’s no going back on that one. There I’m returning to my original desire before I drew the tarot card.

January 2026 in Review

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone on this last day of the month. I’m joining Natalie for her monthly wrap-up. I started the month with optimism, but as I write this post at nearly 10PM on the 31st, I’m struggling to remain hopeful that anything will ever get better. And is it is, life is a battle.

I fully intended to experience more in the creative and culinary departments in 2026. This was not a total failure in January, but I didn’t start off the year with the bang I’d secretly hoped for.

I did create a few things out of polymer clay this past month. I also crafted a few new bracelets and a necklace. My last crafty project, however, was over a week ago. I created a crocodile out of polymer clay. No picture, as I haven’t even baked it yet. I did make plans with one of my staff to finally create the standing unicorn sculpture I have been meaning to create forever. Let’s hope it doesn’t just remain a plan.

I also didn’t cook a main dish even once. That’s sad, but on the other hand, I did manage to bake a few things. Most recently, yesterday, I baked granola. I ate it this morning with my quark and it was delicious!

In the blogging and general writing departments, the beginning of the month was also a lot more successful than the last couple of weeks. I once again gave up on #JusJoJan pretty early on and only managed to do my Morning Pages for a few days. I do however still have a streak going on in Day One, my preferred journaling app. Granted, I only write some snippets in response to a daily template, but oh well. I still like the Gratitude app, but don’t use it as faithfully as I’d intended. Then again, I realize that pressuring myself to write everyday, isn’t helping my joy.

In other news, none of my staff nor me have heard from the Center for Consultation and Expertise (CCE) yet. On top of that, the behavior specialist went on maternity leave a few weeks ago. She has someone subbing for her, but I doubt this has been communicated clearly to the CCE. Even if it has been, I sort of believe the consultant gave up on me when she got the impression my quality of life is okay.

I realize my support coordinator and assigned staff are well-meaning and really want to help me improve, but I get the impression part of the team doesn’t believe that I deserve or need anything to change. I’m still haunted by the words of my intensive support home assigned staff. She believed that, because of my attitude, there was no way I would ever be happy anywhere. This might be partly true, though it’s not because of my attitude but because living in a neurotypical world as an autistic person is hard. However, just because I’ll never be perfectly happy, doesn’t mean no-one should try to improve my situation. Then again, maybe I’m just one giant nagger of a person.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (January 30, 2026)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all! I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare today. Yes, on a Friday. Tomorrow, I’ll wrap up the month of January, but I really want to write today too. It’s 7:30PM as I start typing this, so no more coffee for me. I’ll once again take a break at 8PM for my Friday evening chips and soda. I’ll have to shower too, so may not return to the computer until like 9PM, because I don’t want to be using the computer with wet hair. If you’d like, grab a cup of your favorite beverage and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been chilly. Scratch that: it’s been cold! Daytime highs early in the week were around 4°C, but yesterday I believe it was freezing almost the entire day and we got snow again. I want spring, for goodness’ sake! It isn’t helpful to realize that February is the coldest month of the year here in the northern hemisphere.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that I hardly walked all week. That is, today I did go for a 45-minute walk around grounds because I wanted to orient the home’s team leader, who’s working one day a week at our home as a support staff, to my walking routine. Yesterday, I didn’t walk at all, but did somehow activate an outdoor walking workout on my Apple Watch while just pacing around my room. I was also sitting down a lot and only managed 100m or so in 34 minutes. Thankfully, I was able to delete the “workout”.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that, on Sunday, I bought a new winter coat. I gained a little weight, so my old one was a bit too tight and had a tear in it. My wife offered to fix it, but after thinking for a bit, I said no. Unfortunately, I’d left my gloves in it and she’d already taken it home with her when I realized this, so this meant no gloves for the entire week. By the way, the new coat cost only €30.

If we were having coffee, next I’d tell you I didn’t end up going to the Eye Association meeting I was supposed to go to today after all. I shared last week that I had planned on going to a meeting for people with mild cerebral palsy this Saturday (January 31), but had decided against it for transportation reasons and because I had another meeting today. Well, early in the week, my assigned staff told me she wanted to talk some things over with me. Besides, I thought I had a physical therapy appt today too. Looking back, the things my assigned staff wanted to discuss, weren’t of major importance and the physical therapist’s appt was yesterday, but well.

If we were having coffee, finally I’d tell you that one of the things my assigned staff did want to discuss, is my day schedule. Unless the behavior specialist or my support coordinator has major objections, I’ll finally have two weekly kitchen-based activities in it soon. The staff did ask that, when I cook, it’s initially just for myself and maybe one or two others, because if we decide I’ll cook for the entire home, this means too much pressure on me (and potentially the staff). I agree with this.

The Hardest Part of Being Me

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining the Writer’s Workshop. One of the prompts this week is to elaborate on the most difficult aspect of being you. This is a fitting prompt, as I’ve been struggling again lately.

I could respond to this prompt in several ways. There are things that make me stand out in a negative way in society. For example, autistics are not commonly valued in a neurotypical-centered world. I was reminded of this yesterday when I read an article on the Center for Consultation and Expertise website about the difficulties autistic women in particular face. I for one am often told that I’m only mildly autistic if I’m even autistic at all. This stings, as well my autism diagnosis was confirmed four or five times due to constant doubts among professionals and yet especially for someone assigned female at birth, I’m quite a stereotypical autistic. Yet because I was assigned female at birth, people attribute my behaviors to other things, like borderline personality disorder.

However, autism as a whole isn’t something that is difficult about being me. Rather, the way society doesn’t accommodate me as an autistic person, makes life difficult for me.

Instead, I’m going with a specific trait that might be attributable to autism but also to the brain injury I acquired shortly after birth or other things: my poor distress tolerance and general emotion regulation issues.

These are, like I said, also possibly attributable to autism. Many autistics face these challenges. In my case, it’s however also the fact that these problems are being misunderstood that makes it hard for me to live with them. Like I said, many autistic women/AFABs get diagnosed with borderline personality disorder or the like and treated like they’re purposefully acting out for attention. Emotion regulation difficulties are among the core traits of BPD, yet they are also part of neurodevelopmental conditions like autism or ADHD. I would like to say that even people with genuine BPD aren’t purposefully acting out for attention, but that’s still what the current establishment claims.

I’m struggling in particular with the fact that, occasionally, I seem to be able to cope with distress quite well and at other times, I’m seen as the queen of sweating the small stuff. This has to do with my difficulty figuring out when I’m overstepping my own limits (or when I’m being pushed beyond my limits by others). I honestly don’t know how to break this cycle yet, as when I seem okay, people usually keep adding on to my load of things to deal with. Then when I snap, they see it as me being purposefully difficult. I’m hoping I’ll at some point find a way to deal with this.

Wife #WotW

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. No #WeekendCoffeeShare this week, so I thought I’d find another way to sum up my week. I’m joining Word of the Week. It’s often hard for me to pick just one word or phrase to summarize my week. This week’s is “wife”. I contemplated other words and phrases, like “divorce prep”, “stressors”, etc., but my wife is the one who’s pulled me through most of the stressors.

For those not aware, my wife and I, who have been best friends for over eighteen years and married for over fourteen, will be getting a divorce sometime in the next couple of months. The reasons are personal and mostly irrelevant, as we’ll remain best friends hopefully for life.

Last Monday, my wife found out that the practical part of the reason we didn’t go through with divorce when we were first deciding on it last year, isn’t likely relevant to us. This was a financial reason that I won’t go into. Suffice it to say that, when we saw the mortgage advisor on Tuesday, we found out that even in the worst case scenario, both of us will manage financially.

I do struggle emotionally with the idea of divorce and particularly the fact that our house will be fully signed over to her. Not that I ever lived in that house or that I’m ever going to again. Practically, it’ll make no difference, but it does feel kind of off that I’ll essentially be signing myself out of the opportunity to live in a “normal” house for life. Then again, in reality, I did this in 2019 when moving into long-term care.

On Wednesday, my wife and I established a pattern of multiple, long phone calls. That day we were on the phone seven times. I was struggling with feelings of self-hatred over the ways I’ve treated my wife poorly over the years. Particularly, I was struggling with the idea of emotional vs. cognitive empathy. I’m an emotionally sensitive person or so my wife says, but I still end up hurting my wife and other people regularly. I guess that’s me being autistic though.

I also talked to my wife about how I’m regularly being confined to my room for having meltdowns in the living room. I somewhat see the reason behind this, though not fully because my behavior scaring other residents, isn’t the full story (there’s also some part about my being presumed competent enough to hold it together). However, what I clearly don’t understand is staff’s inability and might I say regularly unwillingness to help me prevent having a meltdown. I’m still kind of struggling with the battle between autonomy and protection.

Yesterday, I was trying to figure out how to get to a cerebral palsy meeting in Utrecht next week. The restaurant the meeting is being held at, cannot be reached by ParaTransit taxis. I might be able to travel by train, but that’d be quite a challenge too. Again, it was my wife helping me make decisions. I’ll most likely not go to the meeting this time, but remain in the WhatsApp group so that I’ll get a feel for the other people attending and have more time to make arrangements. By the way, my wife and I had four phone calls and she said we’d better create a new pattern or we’d have to call each other a negative amount of times tomorrow (7-4-1-etc.). Maybe I’m wrong though, as my wife said the number of times we’d be calling each other had to be a prime number and four isn’t one.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (January 17, 2026)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare again today. It’s nearly 7:45PM, so I’ve had my last cup of coffee for the day and am soon going to step away from the computer to have a soft drink and chips. Grab a cup of your favorite beverage and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. Last Sunday, it was freezing still with nighttime temps as low as -9°C. Yesterday and today, the daytime high was 10°C. Mother Nature is having mood swings.

If we were having coffee, next I’d share that, this week, I’ll probably have a perfect week with respect to my Apple Watch activity rings. I’m not all that ambitious about it, honestly, but it’s nice to see a virtual medal. Yesterday, I did complete the New Year’s challenge, which is to close all of your rings seven days in a row sometime during January.

If we were having coffee, next I’d update you on the assigned staff/support coordinator thing. I mentioned a few weeks ago that my assigned staff is in training to become a support coordinator and after that, it’d originally been decided she’d be both my support coordinator and assigned staff, with some stupid comment about me being able to come to anyone with my concerns. That was rather frustrating for me, as then everyone would be making decisions about me and my support would be even more chaotic than it already is. Well, yesterday I was told that my current support coordinator will remain my support coordinator for now and my assigned staff will remain my assigned staff.

I did have an argument about this with another staff today. There’s been made a decision about my showering routine which she disagrees with and she’d been telling me how she felt about it. I told her to stop coming to me for changes to my support agreement, instead going to either my support coordinator or assigned staff. She then claimed that she would no longer be doing fun activities with me, as that’s an assigned staff’s job too. That’s not true and it felt like she was using black-and-white logic. Unfortunately, this particular staff isn’t very able to accept criticism.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you I did enjoy some fun activities over the week. On Thursday, I went to have lunch at the institution townhouse with a staff. I chose a poke bowl.

Yesterday, I rode the side-by-side bike to the market in the next town. I bought olives, feta-filled green peppers (which it turned out I like despite thinking I don’t like feta), arugula and spinach and tried to buy fried chicken, but it was almost sold out. The vendor gave me what he had left over for free.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that my wife and I are pretty certain we’ll get a divorce after all. On Tuesday, she and I will be meeting up with a financial advisor to discuss the financial consequences of getting a divorce. I’ll still need to do some official ID stuff before that, but my wife is going to help me with this when she’s here tomorrow.

If we were having coffee, finally I’d share that I bought new earbuds. Yes, again. I bought JBL earbuds, because, though I have AirPods and JBL headphones, I prefer earbuds to headphones and yet the AirPods don’t work well with non-Apple products. I’m not yet entirely sure I like the new earbuds, but they weren’t horribly expensive.

When We Said Our Vows…

Posted on by Astrid

When my wife and I said our vows to get married in September of 2011, we were clear about the reason for getting married: it wasn’t about money, it wasn’t about living together, it wasn’t about kids, rather it was about us making a vow to always be soulmates.

My wife and I have been talking divorce for over a year now and, though we canceled the lawyer’s appt last summer, we’re now pretty certain that we’re going to divorce after all.

The reason, once again, has little to do with our love for one another. We still say “I love you” almost every time at the end of a phone call – and there are plenty of phone calls between the two of us. Neither of us though mean this in a romantic or sexual context. If I’m being fully honest, we should always have been best friends rather than partners, as that’s what we are and that will (hopefully) never change.

This post was written for the Six Sentence Story blog hop, for which the prompt this week is “vow”.

My Life Is Virtually Virtual

Posted on by Astrid
Daily writing prompt
In what ways do you communicate online?
View all responses

I get almost all of my social interaction from the Internet. I mean, yes, I do interact with my staff offline, but I mean interaction for fun and connections. Heck, without the Internet, I wouldn’t have met my wife. I have probably told the story of how we met a few times before, but it all boils down to one message I put on a forum back in 2007 and my now wife’s desire to expand her social circle. Had I not moaned about being bored and feeling lonely living on my own, she might never have reached out.

As for the types of online communication I use, these have evolved a lot over the years. Forums are no longer a thing. Neither is Facebook or so I’m told, but I still use it almost daily. I rarely post anything to my personal wall, but I do participate in groups and gather information off Facebook (though obviously one might wonder how much of that information is actually misinformation).

I’ve been told blogging is no longer a thing either. It’s probably partly true, in that for a blogger I’m young at 39 and eventually the generations above me will die out. I have been blogging on WordPress for 19 years next month, though I’ve only had my current blog for 7 1/2. Oh wait, I briefly had this blog back in 2011 too and till this day remember an embarrassing post about my wife from just after we got married.

So what types of online communication are actually still a thing today? I doubt I use many of them. I never used Snapchat and only watched a couple TikTok videos several years ago. I did try Instagram several times, but didn’t like it. I do watch YouTube videos, but will never create video content myself and that does make it less fun.

I do try to use Discord for expanding my social circle but experience that I’m a dinosaur compared to most of the users even on adult-oriented servers. Oh wait, someone half my age is already an adult. I remember explaining that Discord is like IRC and mentioning this in a Discord server and no-one knew what IRC was. I got a comment asking how it felt to be older than Google and responded that I’m even older than the World Wide Web.

As I get older, I find it harder to adjust to the new developments in online communication. I mean, I’m typing this post using the Block Editor and that’s a major struggle for me already. I learned WhatsApp with relative ease in 2017, but Discord is very hard for me to adapt to. However, I do want to keep up with the changing world of Internet-based interactions. If I don’t, I’ll lose the most important vessel of connection to the outside world. After all, my life might’ve become less exclusively virtual since living in a care home, but like I mentioned at the start of this post, the Internet is still where I gather most opportunities for leisurely interaction.