#WeekendCoffeeShare (May 11, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s been a long week, honestly, so time for a cup of coffee, green tea or a smoothie. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been quite warm and sunny most days, with daytime highs around 20°C. Tomorrow, the temperature is even supposed to reach 25°C. The mornings have been cooler though, as it’s not yet July, obviously. Which makes me think, with temperatures like this in May, will we get a soaring hot summer again? Most likely. I love warm weather, but it’s not like I want summertime temps over 35°C.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve been walking a fair bit over the past week. I also rode the side-by-side bike yesterday. We finally figured out how to make it so that I can actually push the pedals properly rather than just moving along with the person who’s on the steering side of the bike.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, on today’s morning walk, we came by the intensive support home and several clients were calling out to me. I decided to come over and join them in their backyard. Eventually, one of the staff who did work there when I still lived there, joined us and offered me a cup of coffee. I think that’s nice!

If we were having coffee, I’d share that, finally, it looks like my orthopedic shoes are actually good to wear. The last adjustment was to the front, which scratches the ground due to my ever-worsening drop foot, causing the shoe to need repairing almost on a weekly basis. Now, it’s not like it doesn’t still scratch the ground and get damaged, but not nearly as much as it used to. And the big positive: I can actually wear these shoes without getting blisters. Like, okay, that’s normal, but I only used to be able to wear my specific brand of walking shoes and I’d get blisters from everything else, including every pair of orthopedic shoes I’ve tried before. I have actually been wearing these shoes most of the day for the past few days without a problem.

If we were having coffee, I’d report that, speaking of my drop foot, the physical therapist has been here. We went for a 20-minute walk, during which I didn’t walk with a drop foot as much as before, thankfully. It hasn’t had me convinced that my mobility isn’t worsening, but at least it isn’t as bad as I’d feared. I mean, it could just be normal aging with mild cerebral palsy.

If we were having coffee, I would share that I bought yet another pair of new headphones. Originally, I wasn’t intending on giving up on my AirPods, but because they keep losing connectivity to my computer, I needed headphones that come with a wired option. Well, guess what? The wired option for the JBL Tune 770NC headphones isn’t all that awesome, but the headphones don’t lose connection to my computer when connected via Bluetooth. Besides, it can be connected to both my iPhone and computer at the same time. How I wish I’d known about these before buying the AirPods, that were literally three times the price of these headphones.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I also finally replaced my desk chair. I got a gaming chair. That’s the reason I have been wearing my orthopedic shoes all day: the chair is too high for me to sit on without shoes on. Other than that though, it’s much better than my previous chair.

I also ordered a table and two chairs for in my little backyard. These weren’t in stock at the store I went to, so I’ll have to come back to collect them. While at that store, I saw a really cute unicorn soft toy and just had to get it.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d admit that I have been struggling with my mental health again and, as a result, haven’t been too inspired in the creative department recently. I do really hope to get back into the groove soon. I did, last week, buy some kitchen tools, like measuring spoons and a sugar/flour sieve. I’ve only used the measuring spoons for smoothie making so far, but that’s a start at least.

I Am Myself (For Real This Time!)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I haven’t blogged in over a week and it’s not for lack of wanting to, but for lack of feeling like I belong anywhere within the blogosphere. I have myself to blame, having tried to fit in simultaneously with the traditional lifestyle blogger crowd, most of who are Christian, and the more open-minded if not secular community that is mostly on WordPress. I have always had to sacrifice part of myself in order to belong with the lifestyle crowd. That’s, of course, the essence of the Christian faith and one big reason I now seriously proclaim I’m no longer pretending to be a Christian. I’m not. I am spiritual, but I choose my own path.

I mean, I could of course quote Bobby Schuller, who is big on belonging before you “behave”. However, at the end of the day, he too condemns everyone who doesn’t ultimately “behave”. And I never “behaved”. For one thing, my first crush was a girl. For another, I didn’t live with my spouse for the first six years of our marriage and not ever since 2019 either. For yet another, we don’t have kids and that’s 100% by choice. In short, I refuse to be bound by the rigid standards of sexual and gender roles that traditional “family values” impose on me. I honestly don’t care about being a “good” woman in God’s eyes. I’m done with sacrificing part of me just so I belong. Maybe along the way I’ll discover who I “myself” even am.

Vignettes About Unicorns

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining Writer’s Workshop. One of the prompts is to share at least five moments of your life (not events, but merely vignettes) that are somehow related. I, for some reason, was immediately drawn to the theme of unicorns. Let’s see what I can come up with.

1. I remember having a unicorn My Little Pony figurine as a child. In fact, that’s a lie, as I think it was my sister’s, but I loved her anyway. In my memory, she was light purple, but I could’ve misremembered that, since my favorite color is lilac.

2. Last October (I think), I got a unicorn soft toy from my spouse as a thank-you gift for my support throughout our relationship and particularly over the past several months.

3. The other two unicorn soft toys on my bed, I bought at the fall fair here on institution grounds last October too.

4. Which reminds me, I have a lonely unicorn soft toy sitting in the soft toy cabinet. I got that one for Christmas at the last day center I attended while living with my spouse.

5. Oh wait, no, I have another unicorn soft toy in the cabinet. I got that one when leaving the care facility in Raalte for the intensive support home. Oh, how I miss being in Raalte still.

6. Now enough with the soft toys. The first unicorn I created, in July of 2021, I did entirely from a YouTube tutorial. I gave it to my spouse, who probably still has it.

7. I remember crafting my first unicorn at the intensive support home with my assigned staff. It didn’t turn out as good as I’d liked, but it was okay.

8. I gifted her my best unicorn I created while there when I left. Too bad she ignores me now…

9. When I left the intensive support home, I gifted each of my fellow residents a small cutter-created polymer clay unicorn.

10. I used for it a cutter I’d gotten for my birthday last year from my parents. My spouse had also gifted me unicorn-themed cutters at some point, which I originally intended to use.

11. I read my first unicorn-themed book a few years ago. That is, I probably read some in childhood too but not sure since they weren’t as popular as they are now. The book was a short picture book called First Day of Unicorn School.

12. My current unicorn-related read is the second book in the Unicorn Academy series by Julie Sykes. Oh wait, that’s not exactly a memory I’m sharing…

13. I can’t remember when I started calling my spouse “head unicorn catcher”. The reason is the fact that my spouse’s truck route is named after a city which has the unicorn as its symbol. Oh wait, that wasn’t really a memory either.

But I got to thirteen. So I’m allowed to share this post with Thursday Thirteen too. So if my post doesn’t meet the criteria for Writer’s Workshop, at least it meets the criteria for that.

Poem: Self-Love

Posted on by Astrid

Self-love
isn’t just
a bubble bath,
a scented candle
or a comfy blanket.

Self-love
is more than
good food,
exercise
or relaxation.

Self-love
isn’t the same
as self-centeredness,
selfishness,
not loving others.

In fact,
self-love
is essential
to love another.

After all,
if everyone
loves themself,
no-one will be unloved!

This poem was written for dVerse’s Poetics, for which the prompt is to write a poem about self.

Gratitude List (April 26, 2024) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. How have you been? I’m participating in Ten Things of Thankful with a gratitude post once again. It’s been a while. I however have quite a few thankfuls to share, I think, so let’s go.

1. I’m grateful for homemade pizza. My spouse, mother-in-law and I made it together at my in-laws’ house (my father-in-law wasn’t there) last Saturday after the CP conference.

2. I’m grateful for a side-by-side bike ride on Sunday. I was assigned an extremely tall staff member for my one-on-one and, for those not aware, I am short myself. This makes walking with him quite a challenge, as we haven’t yet figured out a way for him to guide me that doesn’t cause me pain. However, I came up with the idea of biking instead.

3. I am grateful for the fact that my attempt at making overnight oats on Monday turned out to be a success! Last time I made them, I added way too much milk.

4. I am grateful because, on Tuesday, I was able to cook köfte for my fellow residents and staff. It took me quite some time, but that’s not a problem.

5. I am grateful for French fries on Wednesday. Oh, I’m making more than half of this list about food, but okay.

6. I am grateful for an opportunity to go swimming yesterday. I had gone swimming twice last week, once with my own home’s residents and once with a small group. I hadn’t expected to be able to join the small group this week again and swimming for my home was canceled because most residents were on the annual trip. However, I was able to join the small group anyway.

7. I am grateful for a trip to the institution museum this afternoon. It’s a really small museum, but it was interesting to learn about the history of the institution. Plus, we got free mini pancakes! Oh wait, that’s another food-related thankful…

8. I’m grateful for a day without rain today. We had rain most of the week and, though I could go on walks everyday inbetween showers, I couldn’t go out nearly as much as I’d have liked. Today though was a rain-free day and we even had a bit of sunshine.

9. I am grateful for an appointment with the nurse practitioner who works at my local GP practice re my decreasing mobility. I’ll have a physical therapy appt soon too but I’d really like to know what’s causing my mobility impairment (CP or something else) and whether a decrease in mobility is to be expected or what can be done about it.

10. Last but not least, I am so grateful I seem to be slowly crawling out of the pit of depression I was in.

Opportunities for Peer Support

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Recently I was talking to my spouse about ways to enrich my life and my spouse mentioned trying to connect to more people through peer support. I have some negative experiences with peer support, for example being kicked out of the Dutch DID peer support group for allegedly being a faker. However, once I’ve found the right tribe, peer support could certainly enrich my life.

Last Tuesday, I attended an online meeting for my regional branch of CP Netherlands, the Dutch cerebral palsy alliance. Even though I’m not 100% sure I have CP, I was welcomed with open arms. Originally, the organizers were thinking we may need to end the meeting early, as there were only five of us in attendance including them. However, we ultimately chatted the entire 90 minutes of the meeting. I even showed the other participants the polymer clay dinosaur my spouse and I had created.

One of the other participants is also visually impaired in addition to having CP. He told me there’s a “young people’s” (ages 25-45) meeting of the Eye Association (for blind and visually impaired people) in Zwolle. Zwolle is about 50km from where I live, so not too far away but not quite in my local area. This means I can travel there at a heavily discounted price using my national ParaTransit taxi card.

I also found out, when looking at the Eye Association website, that there are general meetings in Apeldoorn, Deventer and Zutphen, the three cities nearest to where I live. These meetings, since not catering to “young people” specifically, will most likely be mostly attended by people over age 50, but I don’t mind. I don’t yet have a local ParaTransit taxi card though, so can’t go there yet. My male assigned staff is going to apply for one for me though.

On Saturday, I attended the annual nationwide conference of CP Netherlands. It was less informative than the last few times I attended, since I knew most things the workshop leaders talked about already. However, it was much better with respect to peer support, in that I got to meet several people I’d either spoken with at the online meeting the previous Tuesday or met at nationwide conferences before. I also felt validated once again. And, yet again, I came away with the idea to finally ask my GP for a referral for rehabilitation medicine. Given that most likely my childhood medical records are all gone somehow, I’m pessimistic about getting any answers as to whether I actually do have CP or not. I’m trying to reason that this might be beside the point, but honestly my gut instinct is that it’s not.

I’m linking up with #WWWhimsy again.

Daily Habits For a More Meaningful Life

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today was a good day for once. I went swimming for the first time in a long while. No, that’s a lie, since I went swimming with my fellow residents yesterday too. What I meant is that I was originally allocated this spot on Thursdays for swimming but haven’t been able to go yet for staffing-related reasons. Yay for an opportunity to go today!

This isn’t something I can do everyday or even each week, but there are lots of activities I could incorporate into my daily routine that will give me a more meaningful life. Today I’m joining Thursday Thirteen with a list of those.

1. Shower or wash myself. Personal hygiene often goes out the window when I’m depressed. Though I don’t really see its point in boosting my mood, in that for me the feeling of being clean doesn’t do that, I can at least say I accomplished something that day.

2. Brush my teeth. Same as above really.

3. Meditate. I’m not the kind of woman who is good at long body scans or the like, but I do love shorter, affirmation-based meditations.

4. Journal. This is something I don’t do nearly often enough. I really should be incorporating daily time to journal into my calendar. I love writing stream-of-consciousness style, but this isn’t usually suited for this blog.

5. Read. I don’t mean I should be reading a novel a day or something. Even a chapter in a children’s book could count. Like, today I read a few chapters in the second book in the Unicorn Academy series.

6. Diffuse some essential oils (or fragrance oils) in my diffuser. I’m not a strong believer in aromatherapy. I mean, I’ve literally slept like a log smelling a combo of all citrus oils over the past few nights. I do believe smelling good scents can help my mood though.

7. Listen to music. I really feel that music, any kind of music, can be good for my mental health. Whether it’s soothing instrumental music to sleep to or loud EDM when I need a confidence boost.

8. Walk. I do this almost each day already, but I’m adding it to this list anyway in case there’s a time when I forget about its importance in boosting my mood.

9. Move in general. I was going to list dancing as a separate item on this list, but then, though it would be easier to get to thirteen, it would be harder to incorporate everything into each day. I honestly feel that movement in general, whether it is dancing, yoga, cycling, swimming or whatever, helps my mood.

10. Drink a cup of green tea. I definitely feel that a daily cup of green tea could add to my mental wellbeing. Maybe it’s the fact that I usually have those with the staff members I trust a little when talking though.

11. Talk to other people, reach out for support. When there’s a day I cannot talk to any staff because there are all staff I don’t trust, I can always talk to my spouse or mother-in-law.

12. Write down my positives and negatives for the day. This usually helps me remember that, even on the hardest days, there are some moments I’ve felt okay.

13. Remember: pain is temporary, giving up is forever.

Reminders When I’m Feeling Like Life Is Pointless

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Like I said on Saturday, I’ve been struggling lately. It’s been so bad that I’ve actually been considering talking to my doctor about options for medication. I mean, I’ve been tapering my antipsychotic aripiprazole (Abilify), which is sometimes used as adjuvant medication to treat depression. However, I honestly struggled with mild depression already before starting my taper.

That being said, I really need to remind myself of the things I have in life. For this reason, I started a list of positives and negatives for each day that I’ll send to my second assigned staff weekly. She is more socially adept and empathetic than my other assigned staff, which is why I have her to discuss my personal issues with. Anyway, I allow myself to list the negatives too, which sometimes outweigh the positives, but the last few days, the positives have outnumbered the negatives.

For instance, today I had as a positive the fact that I finished a pair of polymer clay earrings. Okay, I haven’t yet seen how they turned out, but who cares? The process is more important than the outcome. I also listed as a positive the fact that I had a good online meeting with the regional branch of CP Netherlands, the Dutch cerebral palsy alliance.

I listed one negative, ie. the fact that I got slightly stressed out when my male assigned staff asked me some questions about swimming. I’m supposed to go swimming in a group on Thursdays but this hasn’t happened yet due to staffing issues. I have tried to jump through all kinds of hoops to accommodate the staff and felt like I was being pushed around. Thankfully, tomorrow (Wednesday), it turns out, I’m allowed to try out swimming with my fellow clients.

I think that, when I’m in a downward spiral and particularly when I feel like my world is becoming smaller and smaller and life is pointless, I need to remind myself that there are still lots of things I can do even though I’m at home a lot. I could read, watch YouTube videos, blog, scroll on social media, do all kinds of crafts. Honestly, in fact, when a staff is entertaining, even a dice game can be enjoyable. And the entertaining factor is a two-way street. After all, I noticed this with a staff yesterday with whom I hadn’t gotten along a few weeks back. He was about as unengaging as could be and left 15 minutes early, but then again I treated him badly first by refusing to explain my routine because “it’s not my job to train temp workers”. It isn’t, technically speaking, but I could’ve been kinder. Yesterday, he actually made our game of Yahtzee fun.

I do still think my world could be enriched. I also feel this isn’t a cure-all for my depressed mood. Some of it comes down to grief, too. Grief for having lost the support I had in late 2021, when I was 95% sure I wanted to stay in Raalte. “Make that 98% please,” the manager said. Not even half a year later, it turned out, either she or some other people involved there were glad I was asking to leave. That angers and saddens me to this day, but wallowing in these feelings won’t help. Involving myself in positive activities might.

I’m joining #WWWhimsy.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (April 13, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. How have you been? I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare today. I’m writing this post in the afternoon on Saturday, but might not finish it until the evening as I’ll try to fully enjoy my one-on-one support time while there’s staff I get along with well in the home today. It’s a little warm for coffee, so if you’d like a cup of that, fine by me, but I could also offer you orange and tangerine-flavored Dubbelfrisss. I also should still have a couple Mars ice cream bars in the freezer. Let’s have a drink or ice cream and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee (as I always say), first, I’d talk about the weather. It’s been on the warm side for April here. Last week Saturday, the daytime temperature even rose to 25°C. Yesterday and today, we got daytime highs of 21 and 22°C respectively. The rest of this week, the temps have been lower and we did get some rain. Next week, we’re supposed to get daytime temps barely above 10°C, which I don’t like. However, that’s probably closer to normal.

If we were having coffee, next I’d tell you all that I’m still going strong keeping up with my physical activity by walking everyday. So far, I’ve closed all three of my activity rings on my Apple Watch each day since the beginning of the month (and possibly a few days at the end of March too. I’m aiming for a perfect month with respect to my movement ring at least, which I haven’t had since last September.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I finally got the long-awaited orthopedic shoes. They fit well, but the brace that’s in them doesn’t effectively help my really bad drop foot and as a result, the left shoe got noticeably damaged after only two fifteen-minute walks.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that, last Sunday, my spouse and I together worked on a polymer clay project. I’d proposed we create a unicorn, but my spouse came up with the idea of crafting a triceratops (“unicorn dino” with three horns) instead. It was fun, but definitely an exercise in letting go of my need for control.

Polymer Clay Triceratops

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that the rest of the week was quite hard. I’ve been struggling with feeling quite depressed lately. I have been feeling like my world is becoming smaller and smaller with all the things I cannot do. It’s been more so on my mind lately given that many of my fellow residents are going on the home’s yearly week-long sleepaway camp at the end of the month and it’s not even been asked to me directly whether I wanted to go too. Rather, I overheard the staff talking about the camp a few months back and mumbled about it not appealing to me and that’s the end of it. I’m supposed to stick to my day schedule, which currently consists mostly of walking around institution grounds and playing dice games. Some staff say I might be able to be in the communal room more, but to be honest I don’t care about being in the communal room just sitting around.

Yesterday, I tried making a cheesecake with my assigned staff in the communal room but got overloaded by one of the other clients (who will stay here during the camp as well). It led me to spiral into a massive emotional outburst. After all, now everyone tells me I’ll never have a better life anywhere anyway so I’d better accept the life I have now. Why didn’t anyone tell me this two years ago? The answer is simple: at least some of the people at the care facility in Raalte secretly wanted to get rid of me. This is intensely saddening to me.

If we were having coffee, I would end on a positive note though by saying that one of the staff who told me to accept my life yesterday, offered to take me on a short car trip to Deventer this afternoon. We had a cup of coffee (I decided to buy both of ours) and walked around the marketplace, where the staff bought me a stroopwafel and I bought a small serving of garlic-filled olives.

Foods I Would Eat If Calories Or Nutrition Didn’t Matter

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. So I gave up on the #AtoZChallenge, but I’m not giving up on blogging more regularly this month. Today, I’m participating in Thursday Thirteen, even though it’s still Wednesday. This week, I am sharing foods I would eat if nutrition or calories didn’t matter.

1. Crunchy muesli. I currently eat regular muesli with my quark for breakfast most days and have the crunchy kind only as a treat. If calories or nutrition weren’t an issue, I’d gladly swap it for the crunchy kind. I’d also vary the flavors, eating multifruit crunchy muesli, nut crunchy muesli and coconut crunchy muesli. Currently, since I only have the crunchy kind as a treat, I usually have the nut one.

2. Peanut butter. Okay, that’s not a change from my usual diet, as I usually eat that most days now that I no longer need to lose weight and can choose whichever topping I like on my bread.

3. Chicken. Give me chicken almost every day! I love some good hot wings, chicken tenders or any kind of fried chicken.

4. Licorice. Particularly, Venco’s honey-flavored licorice.

5. Winegums. I’ve never figured out what these are called in English and my screen reader mispronounces them (they’re pronounced “wine gums”), even though the packaging here in the Netherlands advertises them as “real English winegums”. I love them though.

6. Blueberries. Okay, you’d expect me to list pizza, pancakes and fries here, and I might, but I’d probably miss fruits and veggies if I just ate those. I would have to add in another rule to my “not an issue” here though: that cost shouldn’t be an issue either.

7. Pasta. I would definitely eat a ton of pasta and it wouldn’t matter if it was whole grain (which we get here) or not. I in fact like the whole grain variety at least as much as the white pasta.

8. White rice. My care agency’s meal delivery service provides only brown rice meals, which I’ve come to tolerate but if calories and nutrition weren’t an issue, I’d definitely eat white rice.

9. Chips. Particularly Pringles.

10. Salami. I hardly eat that now because it’s not the healthiest, but I’d certainly top my hot sandwiches with it (along with some cheese) if calories didn’t matter.

11. Stroopwafels. And certain other types of large cookies I love. I am quite a picky eater even where it comes to treats, so it isn’t like I’d eat every biscuit on the market. Stroopwafels though, yum!

12. Curly fries. I love those! Can’t explain why the curly kind are better than the regular ones, but they are.

13. Broccoli. I need to add in a vegetable and my favorite is broccoli. It’s absolutely the most versatile vegetable out there if you ask me.

What food would you eat far more of than you currently do if calories or nutrition weren’t an issue?