Reminders When I’m Feeling Like Life Is Pointless

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Like I said on Saturday, I’ve been struggling lately. It’s been so bad that I’ve actually been considering talking to my doctor about options for medication. I mean, I’ve been tapering my antipsychotic aripiprazole (Abilify), which is sometimes used as adjuvant medication to treat depression. However, I honestly struggled with mild depression already before starting my taper.

That being said, I really need to remind myself of the things I have in life. For this reason, I started a list of positives and negatives for each day that I’ll send to my second assigned staff weekly. She is more socially adept and empathetic than my other assigned staff, which is why I have her to discuss my personal issues with. Anyway, I allow myself to list the negatives too, which sometimes outweigh the positives, but the last few days, the positives have outnumbered the negatives.

For instance, today I had as a positive the fact that I finished a pair of polymer clay earrings. Okay, I haven’t yet seen how they turned out, but who cares? The process is more important than the outcome. I also listed as a positive the fact that I had a good online meeting with the regional branch of CP Netherlands, the Dutch cerebral palsy alliance.

I listed one negative, ie. the fact that I got slightly stressed out when my male assigned staff asked me some questions about swimming. I’m supposed to go swimming in a group on Thursdays but this hasn’t happened yet due to staffing issues. I have tried to jump through all kinds of hoops to accommodate the staff and felt like I was being pushed around. Thankfully, tomorrow (Wednesday), it turns out, I’m allowed to try out swimming with my fellow clients.

I think that, when I’m in a downward spiral and particularly when I feel like my world is becoming smaller and smaller and life is pointless, I need to remind myself that there are still lots of things I can do even though I’m at home a lot. I could read, watch YouTube videos, blog, scroll on social media, do all kinds of crafts. Honestly, in fact, when a staff is entertaining, even a dice game can be enjoyable. And the entertaining factor is a two-way street. After all, I noticed this with a staff yesterday with whom I hadn’t gotten along a few weeks back. He was about as unengaging as could be and left 15 minutes early, but then again I treated him badly first by refusing to explain my routine because “it’s not my job to train temp workers”. It isn’t, technically speaking, but I could’ve been kinder. Yesterday, he actually made our game of Yahtzee fun.

I do still think my world could be enriched. I also feel this isn’t a cure-all for my depressed mood. Some of it comes down to grief, too. Grief for having lost the support I had in late 2021, when I was 95% sure I wanted to stay in Raalte. “Make that 98% please,” the manager said. Not even half a year later, it turned out, either she or some other people involved there were glad I was asking to leave. That angers and saddens me to this day, but wallowing in these feelings won’t help. Involving myself in positive activities might.

I’m joining #WWWhimsy.

16 thoughts on “Reminders When I’m Feeling Like Life Is Pointless”

  1. Hi Astrid, it’s so nice to meet you (virtually)! I’m really sorry you’re having a hard time at the moment and feeling depressed. I’ve struggled with depression before so can relate somewhat (it’s different for everyone). I think that you’re doing the right things in looking for positives. I found gratitude helped me. I did a 365 Grateful Project where I looked for something I was grateful for for 365 days. I took a photo to represent that thing I was grateful for and actually that is what lead to me starting a blog (the one before my current one). In the beginning I had to make a point to look for something and it would take me awhile. By the end, I didn’t even have to think about it – things I was grateful for just jumped out at me. The other things that help are to move your body. Get outside and walk or do whatever makes you feel good. Getting outside is also a good idea because nature really helps to lift the mood. Sometimes when I’ve been depressed I haven’t wanted to socialise or talk to people but funnily enough – often when I do meet up with a friend and chat – it helps! I don’t yet know your story but I do hope you take the time to know yourself and what helps to lift your mood. Take good care of yourself and thanks so much for linking up with #WWWhimsy xo

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m sorry for getting back to you only now – your comment somehow got stuck in my spam folder. Yes, I do find that getting outside helps me. So does gratitude. I did at one point try to do a daily gratitude journal, but doing anything daily puts too much pressure on me and I pretty quickly gave up. I do occasionally participate in gratitude blog hops though, like Ten Things of Thankful.

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  3. I’m glad you are finding the positives even on difficult days, Astrid. I played Yahtzee with my granddaughter this week. I’d forgotten how fun it can be. Here’s hoping this week has more positives than negatives for both of us!

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    1. Thank you for your kind comment. The thing about my meds is, I’m not sure whether going back on my old dosage of my antipsychotic (which was really high) would be the best course of action. I’m probably going to ask my doctor to get my levels tested through bloodwork first.

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  6. I’m so sorry to hear you’ve been having a tough time. But well done for pulling out some positives, it really does make a difference.
    We are always here at #MMBC to lend an ear should you need it.

    Take care Astrid. 🙂

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  7. Astrid, I’m having a tough time myself right now. I’m also stuck at home a lot with very little attention being paid to me. I’m finding it harder and harder to see my positives so I’m glad you can do that. You will find a happier medium in life, as will I.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by. I’m so sorry you’re struggling too. Loneliness is so hard and, though I do have about seven hours of one-on-one support a day, which I realize is a lot and I am grateful for, for me it’s the quality of the time spent with my staff (or lack thereof) that causes me to feel like life is pointless.

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