April and May 2023 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. In April, I didn’t get to post my monthly reflections because I was too busy with the #AtoZChallenge. Today, for this reason, I’m doing reflections for both April and May. I’m linking up with What’s Been On Your Calendar? (#WBOYC).

Honestly, I don’t remember much of the month of April. It was a really busy month in a way with me participating in the #AtoZChallenge on my blog, which I badly wanted to complete despite struggling with my mental health. In other ways though, it was a boring month, in that I hardly got to do anything creative. I also felt like I had to train new staff almost on a daily basis. By this I mean the fact that, almost every day, the least familiar staff member would be assigned to me and they’d be left with just the instruction to follow my day schedule.

I did work on an activity list detailing steps for each activity I usually do, but this unfortunately didn’t bring me closer to actually exploring creative activities with not-so-familiar staff.

In late April, my mother-in-law sent the behavior specialist an E-mail expressing my distress with the unfamiliar staff situation, as well as with the fact that no-one had told me anything about any progress re finding me a more suitable care home. During the month of May, I’ve had some meetings on this topic, but nothing has been decided yet and I’m pretty skeptical anything will be decided anytime soon. That is, unless the powers-that-be decide no place can be found for me.

Thankfully, I did have the #AtoZChallenge to inspire me. I did, for this reason, write 31 posts.

The month of May was a mixed bag in many respects. It was better than April had been on the care front. This did help me feel better, but it wasn’t like I could actually bring my many ideas for activities into action.

In early May, I went clothes shopping with my support coordinator and assigned staff. That same day, another staff also took me to a nearby lake to go for a walk and take some pictures.


I did over the month of May in particular develop some renewed interests, for example in essential oils. I also still want to buy a new blender, so that I can make smoothies again. However, I haven’t yet decided on one specifically.

I went to my spouse’s and my house in Lobith at least twice during the months of April and May. Honestly, my marriage is stronger than ever and I’m so happy about it!

All this being said, in general I very much feel as though my life has been “on hold” over the past few months. Though I did often feel quite inspired, I didn’t know how to put these ideas into action. I can’t completely blame the care home, but the fact that no matter what the staff here do to improve my situation I’ll never trust them not to mess up again, does contribute.

In the health department, I did significantly improve, at least on those measures I know. I lost weight and currently weigh 57.4kg, which is within the healthy range for my height of 1.53m. I also for the first time today got a cardio fitness level of 25 on my Apple Watch, which is in the “below-average” range (until a few months ago, I was consistently in the “low” range). Next month or in July, I’m due to get my annual bloodwork done and I’m kind of worried about that, particularly my kidney function of course. I do overall feel quite healthy though.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (May 27, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today, I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s been forever since I last joined in with this linky, but I thought I’d share some highlights of the past week with you all. I just had my morning coffee, but am probably going to finish this post after lunch or in my 30 minutes unsupported time before my afternoon coffee. For lunch, I’m just going to drink water, but since this is a virtual get-together, I won’t keep you from grabbing a coffee. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that the weather has been a mixed bag lately. Early in the week, temperatures didn’t rise above 15°C and we had some rain, but today’s daytime high is supposed to be 22°C and the sky is clear. Next week, we’re even supposed to get daytime highs above 25°C.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I didn’t really get in as many steps as I’d have liked this week. On Wednesday, I had a bad fall while walking. I hurt my knee and elbow and was dizzy for a bit. Thankfully, I only feel my knee a little now. On Thursday, I only managed a few slow and short walks due to the pain though. I did meet my movement goal on my Apple Watch each day.

For the month of June, I’ve signed up for two challenges on the Challenges app. One is a month-long challenge where points are accummulated based on closing each of your three activity rings, while the other allows participants to choose between basing points on steps or closing of the movement ring (I chose steps).

If we were having coffee, next I’d share that I’ve been pretty paranoid about my support lately. I am finding that I look at everything as a sign that the staff are trying to cut back on my one-on-one support hours. Now they say I get two hours more a day than I formally qualify for anyway, so this makes me feel rather, well, off. I can’t see how I can cut back on my one-on-one support hours as is, but I am pretty sure the staff think I can cope with even less than the hours they claim I qualify for.

I mean, I can cope with about half an hour in the communal room playing a game with a fellow resident most days. Today though, I got overloaded by several different sounds (a staff loading the dishwasher, another resident coming into the room and talking loudly to the staff, etc.). While all of these sounds are to be expected in a communal room (though the staff loading the dishwasher could’ve closed the kitchen door), they did overwhelm me. I managed to keep it together relatively well, but did feel upset that my one-on-one staff of the moment didn’t pick up on the signs that I was becoming overloaded. He claimed I could’ve told him myself and that I was making a big deal out of nothing. This further contributed to my thinking that the staff’s aim is to get me to function in the group without one-on-one. Which, of course, I should really aspire for too, but with how overwhelming even half an hour is in that communal room, I can see this just means being confined to my room alone.

If we were having coffee, lastly, I’d tell you that, on Tuesday, I’m going to meet with a behavior specialist for another care home. Like I mentioned before, I really badly want to move out of this home and my current behavior specialist finally approved this last March. They are currently investigating two possible homes here on institution grounds, but aren’t sure yet whether either will be suitable. Wish me luck with the meeting.

Trying to Live a Balanced Life

Posted on by Astrid

This week’s topic for Tranquil Thursday is balance. Maggie’s first question is about work/life balance. Since I don’t work and never have, I can’t speak to that. However, it made me think of the ways in which I need to create a balanced life in general.

I don’t currently have formal day activities. Of course, I have four hour-long activity slots a day, but I can spend them pretty much however I please and sometimes (most times, actually) I feel so uncomfortable with the staff assigned to me that we can’t do more than play a simple card game. I do feel I need to find a balance in my life between being active and passive.

Active, in this sense, does not necessarily mean exercising, although that too needs to happen. I probably don’t need to worry about being extremely sedentary. I fell pretty badly yesterday and still I managed to meet my movement goal on my Apple Watch today. Okay, my goal is just set to 300 active calories, but that’s so that it’s within easy reach even on bad days like today.

What I do mean by being more active is engaging more in stimulating activities such as crafting, food prep such as smoothie making, etc. I also intend to be more active where it comes to actually learning about these topics. I mean, I love copying recipes and experimenting just a tiny bit, but it’d be great if I knew about the science behind them. For this reason, I just downloaded a book off Bookshare on the fragrance aspects of essential oils. How great would it be if I could create my own blends rather than relying on some shady subscription website.

This doesn’t mean I need to be active mentally or physically all day. It’s about balance, after all. I also need to rest. But currently, I feel my life is a bit too much “on hold” for my liking.

Another way in which I need to find balance, which Maggie didn’t ask about, is health. Last week, I agreed with the dietitian on a weight range I need to stay in to maintain a healthy (or near-healthy) BMI and not go overboard with my weight loss. As long as I stay within this range, I am in control of my eating habits. I do need to make sure I don’t slip back into my bulimic tendencies though. I will see the dietitian again in mid-June and will ask her to continue check-ins with me, although they don’t need to be monthly anymore I think. Over the past few weeks, I gained a little weight, but I’m still within the agreed upon range, though I do notice I’m having “cheat” foods more regularly than I’m probably supposed to.

Another question Maggie asked is about your life pie. This is a drawing of a pie divided into six slices for each area of life. You then put dots in each slice to see how well you do in each area and connect them to see which area is relatively unfulfilled. This is a visual exercise, of course, which I can’t do, but it did make me think. My life is most fulfilled in the area of exercise and least, unless you count work (but that’s by societal standards only), in the areas of friends and play. That last one might surprise my staff, as I play card games on a daily basis. However, what I mean by this is truly being creative.

Activities I’ve Enjoyed Lately

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m feeling a bit uninspired, but I feel in the mood for a positive post. Not because I feel particularly good – not very bad either though. I’m going to share some activities I’ve enjoyed lately. Here goes.

1. Yoga. Well, yoga without the fluff. I have been doing physical therapy for a few weeks now to help with my back pain. Though initially it was my enthusiasm for yoga (which the physical therapist casually mentioned) that got the therapist to think I might benefit from it, I soon found out that all the breathwork and need to feel present in my body was rather overwhelming. Instead, last Monday, we just did the exercises and that’s it.

2. Jumping on the trampoline. Today, the physical therapist had managed to borrow a side-by-side bike, so we were able to ride it to the large trampoline on the other end of institution grounds. I initially struggled a bit, but this was mostly due to my staff and the physical therapist trying to support me whilst on the trampoline. Once I started to jump on my own, it went really well.

3. Diffusing essential oils. It’s too bad the site I discovered with literally thousands of blends on it, is probably kind of shady, since you need to pay to get access to the blends (after a week’s trial period). Not that I create new blends everyday, of course, but I just love looking at everything. I did just put one of today’s featured blends into my diffuser tonight. Not sure yet what I think of the smell, but then again it usually takes a while for the scents to properly blend.

4. Playing dice games, particularly Yahtzee. I might try to introduce my staff to some new games soon.

5. Polymer clay, of course. Today, I put the unicorn I mentioned on Monday into the oven. No picture yet, but I did finally photograph the polymer clay ladybug and octopus I created several weeks ago. Here’s the ladybug. I did the main parts using black Fimo, used Premo in the color cadmium red for its scale or wings or whatever the dots are on, and used white Premo for its eyes.

Polymer Clay Ladybug

6. Listening to podcasts. I have been searching for podcasts I might enjoy. For some years, I subscribed mainly to true crime and Christian podcasts, but I’m no longer a believer and true crime honestly doesn’t really speak to me either. Now, I mostly listen to podcasts on healing from trauma, the enneagram and related topics. I also found several on neurodiversity. I particularly loved the SquarePeg podcast.

In addition to these, I love listening to bedtime stories for kids on both podcasts and YouTube. I might someday try sleep stories for adults too, but don’t really see a reason for it as of yet, other than the fact that I’m an adult, that is.

7. Creative writing. This is something I really need to do more often, be it on the blog or in my Day One journal on my iPhone. I really enjoy trying my hand at writing based on prompts or trying different styles of writing. I am not a good creative writer at all, but practice makes perfect, right?

I am linking this post to #WWandPics.

Flash Fiction: Identity Crisis

Posted on by Astrid

I remember what it was like to be a tiny, little lamb. Everybody adored me. They’d cuddle with me. Children would feed me grass they’d just picked from across the fence.

Then, one day, a little boy pointed out to his Mommy that I wasn’t a tiny, little lamb after all. He told his Mommy that I may’ve been dressed in sheep’s clothing, but that didn’t make me a lamb.

From that point on, everybody hated me. No more cuddles for me. No more grass feeds for me. Farmers started campaigning to be allowed to kill me.

But I still feel like that tiny, little lamb. How tragic it is to be a wolf in an identity crisis.

This post was written for Twiglet #326, which is “to be a wolf”.

Hello Monday (May 22, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s been nearly a week since I touched the blog. Honestly, the week has been less than stellar, but the weekend was lovely. Let me share. I’m joining Hello Monday.

On Friday evening, I finally decided that, screw it, whether I’d get a staff whom I can trust to help me with my polymer clay or not, I wanted to clay. I put my clay box on the chair we don’t normally use, which did mean having to put several things that had been placed on top of the box on the floor. “Why is everything on the floor?” the staff asked me when entering my room. I replied that I wanted to create a polymer clay unicorn. “You do you,” the staff replied.

At first, she seemed rather uninterested and barely did the things I asked her up front to help me with. Eventually though, she did warm up to the idea of us working on a unicorn and she did give me feedback. The unicorn we created – and which I finished on Saturday morning with another staff – is the first one that has wings. It still needs to go in the oven and I intend to add glitter to the wings too.

On Saturday, I finished the unicorn, went for a walk and played a game of dice with a fellow resident here at the care home. Then, my spouse arrived to pick me up to drive to our house in Lobith. On the way there, we went into the carwash (€15 for a mediocre washing!) and got takeout Chinese food.

We had a relaxing evening at home. At around 10PM, my spouse suggested we go for a drive, as the car needed to be moved out of the street. After all, the town fair would be starting on Sunday and there’d be a procession going through our street. I forgot my passport, so we needed to stay in the Netherlands (Lobith is close by the German border). At one point, my spouse suggested we go to Burger King for ice cream, but it was closed. Next question: “Do we drive to Duiven to go to McDonald’s or go home to sleep?” I chose to go to McDonald’s. We each had a McFlurry. I had the Twix one with caramel sauce, which was lovely.

On Sunday, with the car out of the way, we could have a lie-in. I slept in until about 9:30AM.

Several weeks ago, I’d bought white jeans with my staff. I wore them for the first time on Sunday and at breakfast, they had coffee stains in them already. It looked rather gross (I’ll spare you my spouse’s description). For this reason, we decided to go clothes shopping yet again. We, like usual, went to Apeldoorn. I bought darker beige jeans.

We also stopped by Holland & Barrett, a wellness store, to look at nothing in particular. We left with six bottles of essential oils though. Initially, when looking at them, my spouse said: “Just tell me what you want, I’m not going to name them all, as they have everything.” I asked for clary sage. After looking for about ten minutes, my spouse at first concluded they didn’t have clary sage, then started naming some oils: “Clary sage, nutmeg, …” I said: “Clary sage, that’s the one I’m looking for!” I also got vanilla and jasmine oils. Don’t tell me these are usually either absolutes or oleoresins, not essential oils, I know. I am not sure about the quality of Holland & Barrett’s oils, but I don’t use them for any therapeutic benefits anyway. We also got a blend of roses and a blend of wildflowers just because one of my oils was one plus one free and the other was second at half price. Lastly, my spouse got rosemary.

We also obviously stopped by Backwerk to have lunch. I got a sausage roll.

In the evening, I started looking all over the Internet for blends to try with my new oils. Of course, I had had clary sage before, so only vanilla and jasmine were new, but I love all the possibilities. I created a blend in my diffuser this morning: equal amounts clary sage, vanilla, sandalwood and frankincense. This evening, I joked to my spouse that the blend made me high, because it’s so very calming. I love it though!

Flash Fiction: The Journey Home

Posted on by Astrid

As Kevin was boarding the bus, Lauren by his side, he knew he was heading back to the one place he hoped – or had told himself he hoped – he’d never have to see again. He recognized the bus driver – same one who’d driven the bus back on that evening so many years ago. Kevin hoped the bus driver wouldn’t recognize him. He was filled with intense shame having to be on this bus and being confronted with the same bus driver, didn’t help that. However, he had to face his monster now and go back and ask his parents for forgiveness.

Five years ago, Kevin had been on this same bus headed in the other direction. After a massive fight with his parents – over drugs, of course -, they had kicked him out of their house. In a massive breakdown, Kevin had threatened suicide while on this very bus. The driver had called the police and Kevin was sectioned under the Mental Health Act.

Thankfully, he had gotten his life together eventually. After a short stay in the mental hospital, he was released to an outreach-based addiction rehab program. He had had his relapses, but was now roughly eighteen months clean. He had a steady job, rented a little apartment and had the cutest dog in the whole wide world. Moreover, he had Lauren now. And now that he had proposed to her and she had said “Yes”, it was time to finally make amends.

This piece of flash fiction was written for Fandango’s Story Starter #97. As regular readers of my blog will know, it has some autobiographical elements: I at one point (over fifteen years ago) threatened suicide on a bus and was, on a separate occasion, kicked out of my parents’ house. However, the rest is purely fictional.

Book Review: I Want My Daddy by Casey Watson

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I haven’t been reading as much as I’d like to, but I did finally finish another book. It’s Casey Watson’s latest foster care memoir, I Want My Daddy. As regular readers of my blog know, I love memoirs and particularly inspirational memoirs such as these. Casey Watson is a foster carer in the UK and, in a series of books, writes about the children she’s fostered over the years, of course taking care to protect their privacy. For this reason, she writes under a pseudonym. I Want My Daddy came out last month and I ordered it off Apple Books right away.

Summary

A 5-year-old boy, Ethan, is brought to Casey in the middle of the night after the sudden death of his young mother after a drug overdose. Estranged from her parents, Ethan’s mum had been abused by her ex-partner, and began taking drugs to cope. Ethan is obviously lost and bewildered, and regularly wakes up screaming for his mum in the night. He begins to lash out at other kids at school and his behaviour becomes more volatile. When arrangements are made for Ethan to see his dad in prison, Casey recognises the name and face… It turns out she’s far more familiar with this case than first imagined.

My Review

Initially, the book dragged a bit with Ethan hardly talking, seeming pretty normal if in shock, and yet the school having stuck tons of labels onto him because of his struggles. I couldn’t quite grasp what was going on with Ethan, other than him obviously having lost his mother. Tragic as this is, having read the entire book, I think I can safely say that Ethan is quite a resilient boy.

Eventually, once I found out what caused Casey to be far more familiar with the case than she’d previously expected – something I won’t spoil here, but it wasn’t what I expected -, the story moved more quickly.

Like in most of her books, Casey never makes the people involved look all evil, no matter the bad things they did to the children she cares for. This is especially true in this book. Repeatedly, Casey says, it is not the mother or father she condemns, but drugs.

I didn’t realize until the end that this was in fact a pretty heartwarming story. I tell you this, so that those who can handle a bit of drama but want a happily-ever-after, know this story might be for them too. With me assuming Ethan was a recent foster child of Casey’s, I cannot be sure whether it indeed turned out this way long-term.

Overall, I really liked this book, but not as much as some of Casey’s other memoirs, and I gave it a four-star rating on Goodreads.

Book Details

Title: I Want My Daddy
Author: Casey Watson
Publisher: HarperElement
Publication Date: April 13, 2023

TGIF: Twenty-Two Degrees!

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining Paula Light for
#TGIF, an opportunity to ramble.

Today, let me share about the weather. It’s been okay most of the week with some rain, some clouds and occasionally a bit of sunshine and temperatures rising to about 16°C. That’s cold for May if you ask me. Now I’m no weather expert, so I have no idea what constitutes normal weather for May, but it feels like it should be almost summer-like.

Which, today, it is. The daytime temperature reached 22°C. Well-known Dutch meteorologist Erwin Kroll, who would do the weather forecast on public television in the late 1980s and 1990s and is therefore my face of the weather, once told an interviewer on the audio magazine for blind children that this was his favorite temperature. After all, at 22°C, you can both sit still and move around without getting cold or hot respectively. I love this temperature too, though my ideal temperature is slightly warmer.

I once again wore my blue, flowery skirt that I also wore last week, along with the same blue shirt. In the evening, I changed into shorts, because I was going on the stationary bike. I had also gone for three walks today, so up till this point have nearly two hours of active minutes on my Apple Watch. I intend to still dance some, because I feel compelled to double my movement goal once again.

In other health news, I stepped onto the scale on Wednesday and I finally reached a truly healthy BMI. Yes, you heard me correct, this time it’s not nearly, but actually. Even though my dietitian tells me I no longer need to lose weight and has been telling me so for a while, I’d love to still lose a few pounds. That being said, I understand the dietitian’s logic: with my history of bulimic tendencies, it’s easy to fall into that trap again and a healthy lifestyle is more important than an ideal weight. The last time I was at a healthy BMI, was back when I got married in 2011, but then again back then I engaged in purging behaviors quite a lot too. I never, ever want to go back there.

I do need to make sure exercising doesn’t become compulsive either. That being said, that’s not as likely to happen as my body just can’t go on forever. Then again, actually listening to my body – challenging it when it needs to be challenged beyond its comfort zone and giving it a rest when it needs to rest -, is quite hard. I am working on this though.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (May 10, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining in with the Wednesday HodgePodge once again. Here goes.

1. Did you watch the coronation of King Charles III? Share some of your thoughts about that, or about the royal family in general.
No, didn’t watch it and don’t care for the royal family at all. I honestly am more on Harry and Meghan’s side if I have to choose one. Not that I know much about the entire situation leading up to them being the black sheep, but there are always two sides to a family split-up and everyone seems to side with Charles, William and Catherine. Being that I’m old enough to remember Diana, albeit not very well, this tells me Charles himself is far from perfect and he hardly seems to acknowledge it.

2. What are you the uncrowned queen of?
Here at my home, I’m the uncrowned queen of smoothie making. Sadly, the blender died and the staff think a stick mixer works as well (which it doesn’t), so I’m waiting for my benefits to arrive on the 23rd so that I can buy a new blender.

3. In a box of chocolates which one do you usually go for?
Coffee cream. I also love caramel and anything with nuts in it.

4. Something learned at your mother’s knee?
I’m not sure what this expression means, but if it means something I learned from my mother as a child, I’ll go with my love of crafts and simple food prep. My mother would often help my sister and me bake cookies. Though I haven’t done that in years, it does probably translate into my love of smoothie making.

5. “Like mother, like daughter”…in what way is this saying true for you?
The first thing that comes to mind is a negative one: both of us have really poor distress tolerance. However, both of us are also somewhat creative. We also look somewhat similar: both of us are short, both of us on the curvy side, both with dark hair. My mother has brown eyes though, while mine are blue.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I am currently reading I Want My Daddy, the latest foster care memoir by Casey Watson. So far, it’s good. It has an intriguing twist that I didn’t expect.