Currently (August 2020)

It’s been forever since I last took part in Currently. That’s partly because the day coincides with the Insecure Writer’s Support Group posting day and partly because I cannot always think of much to say to the prompts. Today though, I’m feeling like writing and the prompts appealed to me.

Choosing

To take an Ativan to avert yet another crisis. Well, not quite avert, as it was already happening. I’m safe and relatively calm now that the Ativan has had about an hour to kick in.

Consuming

Banana chips and grated coconut. I bought a bag of both at a wellness store yesterday. Consumed all the banana chips in one sitting and put some of the coconut in my smoothie. Today, I actually ate some of the coconut as is.

Enjoying

Reading, of course. I spend a lot of the time with my face in a book, figuratively speaking, as I use my Braille display to read books on.

Add to my reading experience some calming music, for example a Robbins Island Music Group album, and some essential oil. I bought two essential oil blends at the wellness store yesterday and particularly love the one called Joy. The other one was called something like Sleep Well, so I may be able to use that tonight.

Ordering

Not anything right now, but the shoes I ordered last Monday, did arrive today. They’re brown with pink walking boots and I love them. I tried to explain to my husband what I’d ordered and he kept coming up with walking boots that cost like €200. Makes me feel I got quite a bargain, as mine cost €80. Of course, that’s still a lot of money.

Remembering

That no-one promised me a rose garden. I need to remind myself of this, because I seem to be dealing with a lot of fear of joy lately, as well as having a big case of “the grass is always greener on the other side” with respect to living situations. Maybe I just need to accept that the care facility I live in now isn’t perfect, but it’s as good as it’s going to get. This issue may be one reason I spiraled into crisis today.

How have you been?

Lovin’ Lately (May 29, 2020)

Today I feel a bit meh. It’s probably due to the fact that it’s a long week-end due to today being the Friday we don’t have day activities and Monday being second Pentecost here. I don’t like long week-ends. I’m too inactive then.

That being said, I did discover a few things I’m loving lately. Let me share. I’m doing this in the classic editor again, as somehow the block editor would automatically convert my stuff to a list when I didn’t want it to.

1. Podcasts. On Wednesday, I wrote that I’d been listening to a playlist on Spotify mostly as well as an audiobook on Scribd. That evening though, through another blogger, I was inspired to try out podcasts. Unlike audiobooks, I actually love these.

I particularly love listening to true crime podcasts. Seriously, I had no idea there’s so much evil in this world that there’s a whole category of podcasts dedicated to it. Parcast Network has a ton of interesting podcasts.

Aside from true crime, I decided to look at what else is on. I discovered Parcast has a podcast called Mythology too. It was awesome listening to the most recent episode.

2. Music. Well, I said this already on Wednesday, but the Pop Warm-Up 130 BPM playlist on Spotify is great. I’m truly loving dancing to it.

3. Essential oils and fragrances. On Wednesday, my essential oil diffuser somehow decided to bite the bullet. Its on/off switch is stuck, so I cannot get it working. I asked for a new one for my birthday. Still, my husband will be looking at this one to see if he can fix it.

This did get me looking at lots of new fragrances I may want to buy. I have a lot already, but you can never have enough of those.

4. Coffee. I gave my coffee cups to the staff a few days ago because I was having impulses to break them and injure myself with the shards. This morning though, I felt a little low and in need of some caffeine. I got one of my cups and made myself a Senseo coffee. It was lovely sitting in my recliner listening to the Mythology podcast while drinking some coffee.

5. Tomatoes. A staff who’s been on sick leave for half a year or so, returned today for a few hours. When she was still working at my home, we’d built this tradition of her bringing me snack tomatoes, which I kept in a tomato-shaped box I’d gotten from her. Today she continued the tradition. I loved it.

What are you lovin’ lately?

Linking up with Friday Favorites and the Lovin’ Life Linky.

What’s Up (May 2020)

Today, I discovered What’s Up Wednesday and thought I’d join in. What’s Up Wednesday is a monthly linky in which bloggers recap their past month. Here goes.

What I Ate

I don’t meal plan, as here at the care facility, we get meals delivered. I didn’t have the greatest meals this past week. Last week Wednesday, I had a fish curry that had fish bones in it. I ate part of it nonetheless, but eventually got annoyed and left the rest. My husband told me that this was unacceptable indeed. My staff sent out a complaint.

Then on Friday, I had vegetable rice only. Vegetable rice is just rice with a tiny bit of veg in it. I had no meat or meat substitute in my meal at all.

Thankfully though, over the past few days, the food was okay.

Then yesterday, my day activities staff and I put hamburgers on some type of grill for lunch. It was delicious!

What I’m Reminiscing About

I haven’t had the best month with respect to my mood. For this reason, a lot of memories have come up. I have been discussing some in my sessions with my community psychiatric nurse and also writing about them on here.

What I’m Loving

Being able to see my husband again! Due to the coronavirus lockdown, my care facility had a no-visitors policy for the past two months. Thankfully though, the policy was lifted last week. My husband and I still can’t have physical contact or even be within a five-feet distance, but it’s okay. I’m just so glad to meet my husband in real life again.

What I’ve Been Up To

I’ve been doing a lot of walking over this past month. The weather is really good. We had one rainy day, last Sunday, but overall it’s been really sunny and warm outside.

I’ve also been blogging a lot over the past month. I’m so glad to keep up the productive spirit!

What I’m Dreading

Nothing really. I did have a rough few weeks and was dreading a crisis happening again. Today is a pretty good day though. The tech guys installed the door sensor that will alert the night staff if I elope again today.

What I’m Excited About

Seeing my husband again this Saturday!

I’m also excited about getting Italian takeaway this Sunday. I’m probably going to get a tuna pizza.

What We’re Doing This Weekend

It’s a holiday weekend here in the Netherlands because of Pentecost. For this reason, we’re getting lots of extra treats at the care facility. Other than that and seeing my husband, I don’t have much planned.

What I’m Watching

Nothing to be honest. I’ve been thinking about getting a Netflix subscription again, but haven’t gotten down to it.

What I’m Reading

Nothing at the moment, but I did finish two books this past month: Wonder by R.J. Palacio and Wink by Rob Harrell. I reviewed that last one earlier this month.

What I’m Listening To

I’m mostly listening to the Pop Warm-UP 130 BPM playlist on Spotify. I actually love the upbeat, fast-paced tunes to “dance” to.

I also got myself a ScribD subscription, though I unsubscribed again after a few weeks. I listened to Anne of Green Gables as an audiobook on there. I must say I don’t think I see the benefit of audiobooks.

What I’m Working On

My birthday wishlist! I asked my husband to help me install a new iPhone that I’m goign to buy. I haven’t bought it yet, but am looking forward to doing so in a few weeks.

I’ve been looking at a sensory supplies store again for birthday gifts to ask my in-laws, parents and sister. I think I want a Jinglin’ ball. This is a soft ball that makes a sound when rolled. The adaptive supplies store for the blind also sells ringing balls, but these are too hard for safe playing with my fellow clients.

What I’m Wearing

Orange Dress

I have had this orange dress for a few years already, but hardly ever wore it before going into the care facility, because I can’t fasten the ribbon. I am loving it though. I also asked my staff to do my hair for this picture.

What I’m Looking Forward To Next Month

My birthday, obviously! It isn’t till the 27th of June, so we’ll have another What’s Up Wednesday before that, but oh well.

What Else Is Up

I think that about covered it.

Song Lyric Sunday: Four

I just saw today’s theme for Song Lyric Sunday and it appealed to me right away. The theme is numbers. I’ve always had a thing for numbers. I have number-color synesthesia, so I really wanted to choose a number for which the color fits the feel of the song. That didn’t work out (or I’m too lazy to think more). Instead, I’m going with a song that has the number four in its title. To my husband and me, four is a special number. This song is also one of my favorite songs.

I’m talking of course about Four Strong Winds. It was originally written by Ian Tyson, of whom I’d never heard until googling this. He and his future wife, Ian and Sylvia, first released it on a single in 1963. I will post the original lyrics, which are slightly different to the ones Bobby Bare sings I think. I’ll post the Bobby Bare cover, as that’s the one I usually listen to.

Song Title: Four Strong Winds
Original Singers: Ian and Sylvia
Covered By: Bobby Bare
Songwriter: Ian Tyson
Original Release Date: 1963

Think I’ll go out to Alberta, weather’s good there in the fall
I got some friends that I could go to working for
Still I wish you’d change your mind,
If I asked you one more time
But we’ve been through this a hundred times or more
Four strong winds that blow lonely, seven seas that run high
All those things that don’t change, come what may
If the good times are all gone, and I’m bound for moving on
I’ll look for you if I’m ever back this way.
If I get there before the snow flies, and if things are looking good
You could meet me if I sent you down the fare
But by then it would be winter, not too much for you to do
And those winds sure can blow cold way out there
Four strong winds that blow lonely, seven seas that run high
All those things that don’t change, come what may
If the good times are all gone, so I’m bound for moving on
I’ll look for you if I’m ever back this way.
Still I wish you’d change your mind,
If I asked you one more time
But we’ve been through that a hundred times or more
Four strong winds that blow lonely, seven seas that run high
All those things that don’t change, come what may
If the good times are all gone, and I’m bound for moving on
I’ll look for you if I’m ever back this way.
I’ll look for you if I’m ever pass this way

Gratitude List (May 16, 2020) #TToT

Goodnight everyone. It’s past 11PM here and I can’t sleep. I’m feeling rather hopeless. To cheer myself up, I’m joining in with Ten Things of Thankful. It feels like forever since I last did a gratitude list, even though I did one two weeks ago. Anyway, here goes.

1. Spotify playlists. I already mentioned the Cardio playlist on Thursday. Today, I discovered the Harp Music for Sleep playlist. It wasn’t created by Spotify staff, but whoever created it is awesome! I just tried falling asleep to it. That didn’t work yet, but it definitely helped me relax.

2. Lorazepam. As we speak, I’m recovering from a rather bad crisis. After an hour-long crying fit, I finally asked the staff to give me a PRN lorazepam and it helps at least a little.

3. Dancing. I mentioned this already on Thursday. Today I was in a rather low place and felt like lying in bed all day. I did manage to fit some dancing in though.

4. Pretty good food this past week. I had boiled potatoes only once and the pasta with tuna sauce I had today was truly delicious.

5. Whipped cream custard. To top it off, we had whipped cream custard for dessert today.

6. Insight Timer. Like I said earlier today, I plan on making meditation part of my daily routine. I listened to a body love meditation this evening. The instructor’s voice was a little off to me, but it was a great meditation.

7. A lovely card. Last Thursday, I got another card from the friend who lives in another home in our care facility. She had previously given me an Easter card. Now the card had written in it that she hopes to see me soon. (For context: due to COVID-19, we are currently only allowed to interact with clients and staff for our own homes.) The card was handmade and truly lovely. I will send her one (though not handmade) probably tomorrow.

8. Possibly seeing my husband soon. Currently, we are not allowed visitors at all due to COVID-19. Management though has said they’ll work out a plan on visiting next week. This may mean we need to see our visitors in an assigned room and may need to keep our distance, but anything is better than no visits at all.

This is all I can come up with right now, but it already helps. What have you been thankful for lately?

Thankful Thursday (May 14, 2020): Dancing!

I’ve been feeling kind of depressed lately. Or rather, less non-depressed than I was over the past month. I’m not sure how “normal” feels, being that I’ve struggled with depression off and on (and mostly on) since childhood. I was finally thinking I could be inspired and motivated for a while, but that while has stopped now I think. I hope my creativity and motivation return soon.

When I shared about my mood on an E-mail support list yesterday, some people responded by saying I could focus my attention on what I can do rather than what I can’t. Like, even a day without blogging mojo was frustrating me, even though in other areas, I’m pretty much my normal self. I’m still honestly pretty active. I’m not sleeping 15 hours a day. Okay, I slept nearly 12 hours last night, but I barely got eight the nights before. So as sort of a pick-me-up, I’m joining in with Thankful Thursday and the reason I’m thankful today is my level of physical activity.

You see, I reached my goal of 10K steps today! If this doesn’t prove that I’m fine, I don’t know what does. I went for two longer walks during the day and a short walk in the evening. I’ve also been “dancing” some. By this I mean walking in place and swinging my arms while music is playing. I have absolutely no sense of rhythm, but so what? I put the Cardio playlist on Spotify on and just moved. I honestly really loved it.

Besides getting me active, this helped me discover new music. You know, I normally only listen to classic country and some other oldie stuff. I can’t stand most of the workout playlists on Spotify, but Cardio was an exception. I loved it! Here’s one of the songs I listened to several times.

Do you like to dance?

Music for Your Mood #AtoZChallenge

Oh my, I guess I’m growing a bit weary of the #AtoZChallenge. That is, even though a ton of topics were available for the letter M post, I’m still not sure I have any substantial material to share. Today, I want to talk about using music to help your mental health.

Music, both listening to it and playing an instrument or singing yourself, can really help your mental wellbeing. I find, for example, that it gives me something to focus my senses on when I’m overloaded. Like I’ve said before, exposing yourself to a strong sensation can really help you feel more aware of your body. It can also help override other strong internal or external stimuli.

It really depends on you what type of music will help you when you’re in which mood. For example, for me, listening to peaceful piano or guitar music or soundscapes, helps me calm down. My husband says the same music winds him up.

When I need a mood booster, it helps me to listen to faster-paced songs, often with funny lyrics. For example, Tom Lehrer’s music really lifts up my mood.

Song lyrics can also help you describe your mood boost your self-worth. English being my second language means, however, that I don’t often completely comprehend them. I find “powerful” songs in Dutch to be really annoying most times. That being said, I do at times listen to songs with strong lyrics, such as contemporary Christian.

Also, my favorite song of all time is I’m a Survivor by Reba McEntire, which does have strong, relatable lyrics. However, most times even when I don’t fully know what a song is about, its rhythm, beat or melody appeals to me. That’s why I like ABBA, even though their lyrics aren’t all that powerful.

When I’m angry, I like to listen to the likes of Cock Sparrer, Booze and Glory and The Business. I do have an inkling of what their songs are about, but the essential bit is really the beat.

I can’t sing or play an instrument myself. When you can, it can be a true outlet for your feelings. Even when you don’t have any talent, you can still feel better by playing an instrument.

What music helps you right now?

Whale Sounds #SoCS

When I started day activities at the first center I went to when being kicked out of the mental hospital in 2017, I experienced snoezelen® for the first time. Snoezelen® is a type of sensory experience at day activities for people with intellectual disability. The idea is that the entire sensory environment can be tailored to suit the client’s needs. In that room, there was a waterbed. I lay on it listening to a CD called something like Whales of the Pacific. The waterbed had speakers inside of it too, so that it vibrated along with the music.

I grew to love love love that CD. When I left for another day center, I tried to get ahold of this CD but found out it was no longer available in stores. My staff at the old center tried to copy it for me, but that didn’t work. At the next center, they didn’t really have relaxing music I liked, so I usually just lay on the waterbed without listening to music. Their waterbed didn’t have speakers in it either anyway.

Now at my current day center, I have come to enjoy relaxing music again. I particularly like a CD called Songbird Symphony. It has music and bird sounds on it. I was able to find the album on Spotify too, so that I can listen to it while lying in my own bed or while relaxing in my recliner too.

As for whale sounds, I discovered an album on Spotify of whale sounds with music by a group called Robbins Island Music Group. They also release other types of relaxing and focus-oriented music, but I like the whale sounds the best.

Interestingly, I still really don’t like whale sounds without music. I love whale sounds, birdsong and the like, but there has to be a musical component to it too.

Looking back, I remember asking my psychologist at the mental hospital whether snoezelen® would be a suitable activity for me. She didn’t think it would be, as she claimed this is only suited to people with intellectual disability. Well, I love lying on the waterbed, Songbird Symphony surrounding me. I don’t care that I’m apparently too intelligent for it.

I’m joining in with #SoCS, for which the prompt today is “animal sounds”.

Monday’s Music Moves Me (December 23, 2019): My Favorite Christmas Songs

It’s already past 10PM Monday here and I really need to be in bed, but I really want to have a blog post up today too. Don’t ask me why, as I’ve gone days without blogging before and it’s never been a problem. I originally intended on doing another Reading Wrap-Up, but then spent so much time actually reading that I don’t think I’ve got time for one now. Instead, I’m for the first time in forever joining in with Monday’s Music Moves Me.

The theme all December is Christmas. I wonder whether next Monday people aren’t seriously tired of all the Christmas songs, as it’s nearly New Year’s then. Anyway, I’m not yet tired of them, though I must admit I rarely consciously listen to Christmas music. I remember when I had my radio preprogrammed on Sky Radio close to Christmas one year when I was around fourteen. Sky Radio is broadcasted as “the Christmas station” here around that time and it practically airs just Christmas music then. My father-in-law, who usually has Sky Radio on in his dentistry practice, changes to another station as soon as he hears the first Christmas song, usually sometime in the third week of November.

Anyway, I know quite a few Christmas songs through Sky Radio, but this station doesn’t air any of the newer ones. Or maybe it does now. I honestly haven’t been consciously listening in years. So I guess all my favorite Christmas songs are rather outdated.

My favorite one is It’s Gonna Be a Cold Cold Christmas by Dana. I somehow love her voice.

Next I guess would be Last Christmas by Wham as it’s practically the first Christmas song you’ll hear each year here. It’s a pretty bad earworm, but oh well.

Then of course I need to include a not-so-serious one and I’m obviously going with Tom Lehrer’s A Christmas Carol.

What are your favorite Christmas songs?

Gratitude List (November 9, 2019) #TToT

Oh my, it’s been forever since I participated in Ten Things of Thankful. I think I participated once since moving to the care facility. The thing is, I have a ton of ideas for blog posts on my mind but only so much time to complete them. I mean, maybe a gratitude list should be one of the easier ones on my list, but oh well. I don’t know. I don’t want to make up excuses, so here’s my gratitude list.

1. Eating out with my husband and sisters-in-law. The sisters-in-law had offered it to us as a present for us having bought a house. We went to an all-you-can-eat restaurant. My husband thought he wouldn’t particularly like the food, but he did and I loved it. As those who know me well will admit, gluttony is my main deadly sin, LOL.

2. Great reading. I don’t nearly spend as much time reading as I’d like, but I do love the books I’m currently reading.

3. An increase in mental clarity and energy. I’ve been doing better in the brain fog department lately. In fact, I can usually manage to be quite active either physically or mentally most of the time during the day.

4. The sensory room at day activities, including its music player. It is connected to the waterbed, so that the music almost surrounds you when you’re lying on the waterbed.

5. A nice behavior specialist. On Tuesday, I had my review at the care facility. It went okay, but after it, I did experience some trust issues particularly with my day activities staff. She called out for the behavior specialist to talk to me some more and the issue got mostly resolved.

6. Sunshine. Of course, it’s fall here, so we don’t experience the great weather of summer, but we did get some relatively sunny days. It was nice being out in this weather.

7. My former psychiatric nurse practitioner calling me to check in. He also finally sent me the form he’d sent to the assertive community treatment team in my town, since I hadn’t read it yet. It was good to talk to him for a bit.

8. A good intake interview with the nurse practitioner and social worker from the new team. I was able to explain myselves quite well. My current diagnosis apparently is unspecified personality disorder with dissociation along with autism spectrum disorder, but I was able to go into some detail about the extent of the dissociation. It was good also to have a staff from the facility with me. This team is more concerned with one’s individual needs for support than with one’s diagnosis.

9. Walking. When I first came to this facility, I didn’t expect to get out and about much, but I usually do manage at least 30 minutes a day even now that fall has truly set in. I tried to reconnect my Fitbit when I found its charger earlier this week, but the app seems to have locked me out. I don’t really care though.

10. Sleeping with music on. On Thursday, I was so tired from the intake interview at mental health that I slept most of the evening away. I slept with a lovely playlist on Spotify playing on my phone. I am still considering getting myself a music pillow.

11. My husband. He’s so nice! It’s hard not seeing him as much as I used to, but he showers me with love each time we do see each other.

What have you been grateful for?