Before and After

I rarely if ever turn the pages of an actual book these days, since I can’t read print and Braille books are just too clunky to have around. Turning pages, for this reason, is mostly just a figure of speech: I can turn the page on a memory, turn pages in the book that is my life, etc.

Sixteen years ago today, I experienced a turning point in my life, as on that day, my fragile mental state completely collapsed. The night after, at roughly 2AM on November 3, 2007, I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital.

Since then, my life consists of a “before”, in which I appeared to more or less function in life according to non-disabled standards (but was really merely surviving), and an “after”, in which I appear to have given in to the disabled side of me (but am slowly learning to live). I struggle to unite the two.


This post was written for this week’s Six Sentence Story Link-Up, for which the prompt word is “turn”.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (November 1, 2023)

Hi everyone. It’s Wednesday once again, so I’m joining in with the Wednesday HodgePodge. Here we go.

1. Besides Thanksgiving (in the USA) what’s one thing you’re looking forward to in November?
Not sure really. November is the hardest month of the year for me. My spouse’s birthday is this month, but I won’t be going to our house in Lobith for the weekend. I’m pretty sure we’ll find a way to celebrate though and that’s what I’ll be looking forward to.

2. Do you like candles? Your favorite scent? How often do you burn a candle in your home?
No, I don’t. They’re not safe for me because of the flame. I used to love wax melts though. My favorite scents were sweet scents reminiscent of bakeries like those including vanilla, cinnamon and coconut.

3. What gadgets did you use today?
My laptop, iPhone and Apple Watch.

4. This question is a repeat from one asked in November of 2014, but I liked it so it’s coming round again. Many of you weren’t here in 2014. Okay, you can have fifty pounds of something (anything but money)…what will you choose? Also, since I mentioned it…what were you up to in November of 2014?
Fifty pounds of polymer clay LOL. Then I could make some giant unicorns. Seriously though, I have absolutely no idea what substance it would be useful to have fifty pounds of. Except maybe gold so that I could trade it in for money, but that’d be cheating.

As for where I was in November of 2014, I was in the psychiatric hospital in Wolfheze. If I remember correctly, the psychologist who ended up kicking me out of there in 2017 had just become my responsible clinician.

5. ‘Tis the season…what’s something you’re feeling especially grateful for today?
My mental health. It’s November and I’m struggling, but not nearly as badly as I was last year.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
As I shared yesterday that I hoped I wouldn’t have gained significantly at my weigh-in today, I owe you all the result: I lost 0.5kg.

Opening Up About My Trauma

Last Monday, I was going for a walk with my one-on-one for the moment when we saw a few clients and staff she knew (she’s a temp worker). She wanted to “say a quick hi”. That turned into a fifteen-minute conversation between her and one of the other staff, which eventually turned to clients with severe challenging behavior being taken on outings off grounds and then, when they act out, staff being filmed by bystanders when restraining the client. This discussion triggered me, because it led to flashbacks of the times I’ve been “guided” (as staff call it) to my room. More like physically moved by several staff at a time, and the fact that I wasn’t officially restrained (because that probably only counts when you’re pinned down to the ground), is solely due to my lack of physical strength.

I asked the staff, admittedly more curtly than I should have, to not have these discussions in my presence in the future, as it was triggering me. She told me I was making it all about me and if I wanted to offer an opinion I should’ve made sure I listened to the whole thing because now I was twisting the truth. I told her about the time I was shoved to my room and staff threatened to lock me up in there. “You probably deserved it,” was her response.

This led to a whole chain reaction of triggers, in which I started to doubt the validity of my trauma-related symptoms. Didn’t I deserve the harsh punishments my parents gave me? I know at least back in my day an “educational spanking” was legal. In some U.S. states, child abuse isn’t even child abuse if it’s used as punishment.

I can’t go into the details of the punishments I endured as a child, and I’m pretty sure they’re not necessarily illegal. Does that mean they can’t have caused me PTSD?

That evening though, I was having intense flashbacks and decided to open up to my staff for that moment. She happened to be one of the staff who’d shoved me to my room on Friday and threatened to lock me in there. I had to admit – even though I don’t believe it – that I deserved to be physically moved to my room. I mean, the reason was my dropping the F-bomb while in the communal room (and then refusing to go to my room on my own when told to), which, well, truthfully staff do all the time.

After I’d given examples of the way my parents treated me, my staff seemed quite shocked. I honestly don’t understand this, as she restrains clients everyday and never even cares about the impact this has on them. I mean, I know, staff restraining clients is legal, but then again does something have to be illegal to be traumatic? And if so, where’s the boundary between an “educational spanking” and child abuse? Or does it have to be unwarranted? In that case, I must say, my parents acted out of a need to show who’s boss because they’d felt powerless over my behavior. I did, indeed, try to excuse my parents’ actions by explaining about my own behavior. The staff didn’t seem impressed.

I know, in my heart, that the truth is that restraints can and do traumatize clients too. I know I experienced trauma while in the psychiatric hospital because of being locked up in seclusion against my will. I know I still experience emotional trauma. And, of course, I’m more sensitive to this due to the trauma I endured as a child. But it isn’t black-or-white. And this is confusing.

Poem: Home Is…

Home was
At my parents’
Who were there and yet weren’t there for me
Hurting me in ways I feel I can’t express
It wasn’t safe
Or maybe that’s just me

Home was
On my own
Barely holding on by a thread
Surviving but that was about as far as it went
It wasn’t doable
Or maybe that’s just me

Home was
In the mental hospital
Where I stayed for nearly a decade
Only to be kicked out again
That wasn’t forever
And that wasn’t me

Home was
With my spouse
Again, barely holding on by a thread
Managing life by sleeping and panicking
It didn’t work out
But maybe that was me again

Home then was
In the care facility in Raalte
About as unsuitable as they come in theory
But it was near-perfect in reality
And yet, I left
And that was me (sort of)

Home then became
My current care home
With harsh staff, chaotic clients and poor quality of care
I wasn’t abused (not really), but that’s about as far as it goes
It doesn’t feel safe
But then I wonder, isn’t that just me?

Maybe soon home will be
The future care home
The big unknown
Will I feel sort of happy there?
No-one can tell
But it’s up to me

To make myself feel at home


This poem may sound a bit self-loathing. It isn’t intended this way, but I couldn’t express as concisely how I feel about my various “homes” and particularly the way people have told me I approach them (ie. the idea that I’m never satisfied anyway because I’m looking for perfection) without sounding this way. This is definitely not my best poem, but oh well, it shows my conflicting feelings about the fact that I’ve never felt “at home” anywhere.

I’m joining dVerse’s OLN. I’m also joining Friday Writings. The optional prompt is “muscle memory”. I guess repeating that I don’t feel at home anywhere counts.

Dromaai: A Restaurant That Brings Me Nostalgia

One of today’s prompts for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop is to share about a restaurant that makes you nostalgic. I immediately thought of the restaurant in Nijmegen my spouse and I nicknamed the “dromedary”.

Its real name is Dromaai, which is wordplay on the Dutch word for turnaround. On the menu are various dishes where letters have been switched up. For example, fish stew would be called “stish few”.

I discovered the restaurant while in the psych hospital in the spring of 2008 and ate there with my family a few times. Then, in December of that year, I invited my now spouse there.

My spouse and I would see each other several times a week while I was in the hospital, often around dinnertime, and there wasn’t any food for my spouse in the hospital, of course. As a result, we had to eat out. Dromaai became a regularly-visited restaurant. My favorite dish was marinaded turkey on a skewer. I usually chose pepper sauce with it rather than the recommended BBQ. You could choose between a side dish of rice, baked potatoes or fries. I usually chose fries, but I did like the potatoes too.

In 2011, my spouse convinced me to try to become a vegetarian, so my favorite dish became a vegetable wrap. I gave up the vegetarian lifestyle after only about nine months and came back to my turkey skewer.

We stopped going to Dromaai when I moved to the psych hospital in Wolfheze in 2013. That is, we still went there occasionally. One time, I remember one of the workers – I think he actually was the manager or something, but he also did waiter jobs – asking us whether we’d moved and if so, where. I vaguely replied that we’d moved to the Arnhem area. “Arnhem, blegh,” he replied with a laugh, because as those from the Netherlands will know Arnhem and Nijmegen are rivals.

The last time I went to Dromaai, I went with my sister after our day at Sanadome, a wellness resort in Nijmegen, in 2018. I looked all over the menu, but to my annoyance, they’d done away with the turkey skewer. I ordered mixed grill instead, but didn’t like it nearly as much.

As a side note, don’t ask me how my spouse and I got to nickname Dromaai, “Dromedary”. My spouse has a habit of taking wordplay to the extreme though. I think it’s funny, but I realize it isn’t as I type this down now.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Don’t Leave Me Alone! #SoCS

I am one of those autistic people who doesn’t like to be left alone. That is, I do need a significant amount of alone time, but it has to be on my terms. That might seem weird or normal, I don’t even know. I mean, I’m used to it being seen as weird here at the care home. Staff see it as a sign that I crave attention somehow. Which, even if it were true, well, attention is a normal human need.

I am not sure where I’m headed with this post, but I often feel like a fake autistic for feeling like I don’t want or need to be left alone when I’m in distress. Probably because my former psychologist at the psychiatric hospital used it as a reason to diagnose me with dependent personality disorder. Which I might have after all, I’m not sure. Then again, the treatment for that isn’t to leave someone to their own resources just like that.

I often have this statement in my head: “Don’t leave me alone!” It is cried out, in my head, by a child’s voice. I am pretty sure it is from a book and in Dutch, it sounds different, but I’m writing it like this here for the purposes of this post. Don’t leave me alone. Never leave me alone. Well, people always will. That’s life.


This post was written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday for this week. The prompt is “left alone”.

Trust and Trustworthiness

Hi all. Today’s topic for Tranquil Thursday is trust. This topic is relevant to my life in so many ways.

Maggie starts her post with a quote which says that, for there to be betrayal, there has to have been trust first. This hits home quite hard. As someone who was at least partly rejected by my parents from infancy on, I am not sure I even remember what it is like to have had that basic sense of trust babies need. It may be for this reason that I never felt particularly affected when family members passed away. Even with my maternal grandmother, with whom I was quite close, I never even felt a sense of grief.

Then again, I did feel this sense of grief when my former assigned staff back at my old care home left her job at the care agency in July of 2022. She was the first person I’d ever fully trusted in my entire life. There were others at that care home whom I trusted almost as much.

I am pretty sure I’ll never trust a professional ever again. Not because of this staff, mind you, but because of the way the staff here at my current care home handle the relationship they have with us residents. Several staff have left their jobs here without ever saying a word and then I didn’t find out until after they’d left. Yesterday a staff I’d repeatedly talked about this to, left as well and I only found out, from his colleague, at the beginning of his last shift.

You may be wondering where my spouse is in all this. Well, I do trust my spouse not to betray me – in the sense of leaving me, mistreating me, or the like -, but it’s only been over the past few months that I’ve been able to truly be myself around my partner.

I am, generally speaking, a very distrustful person. When someone enters my life, their first impression has to be really good for me to have a positive idea about them and, when they mess up, I feel very easily betrayed.

With respect to being trustworthy myself, I’m not sure. I don’t think I am very trustworthy, but it isn’t intentionally. I mean, often I struggle with distinguishing between safe and unsafe people and in this sense end up putting myself at risk as well as potentially betraying my spouse. I remember one time a fellow patient at the psych hospital offering to hold my hand when guiding me and he commented about our spouses not liking this if they saw it. I up till that point was cool with this man as a peer and I initially didn’t see the signs that I was firstly betraying my spouse and secondly also possibly being groomed.

In addition, I can be quite impulsive and dysregulated. I’ve told my spouse that I’m leaving too many times to count. I understand my spouse sees this as significant betrayal too. I know – and my spouse knows this too – that we are meant for each other, but still it probably comes across quite harsh.

Restraints and Other Restrictive Measures in the Dutch Care System #AtoZChallenge

Hi everyone. Today, it’s time for my letter R post in the #AtoZChallenge. I didn’t know what to write about for this post, so I looked at some books for inspiration. Then, the topic of restraints came up. This is quite a controversial one and sadly restraint and other restrictive measures are still commonly used here in the Netherlands. At least here at my current care home.

In the Netherlands, in 2020, the Care and Force Act replaced the law on exceptional admissions to psychiatric hospitals that previously regulated restrictive measures. Under the old law, only those involuntarily committed to care facilities or psychiatric hospitals could be subjected to restrictive measures against their will. This was not to say people weren’t pressured into consenting to restrictive measures. For instance, when I had been at the locked psych unit for a few months in early 2008, I was significantly dysregulated. My doctor told me she was implementing seclusion and, “if it doesn’t work, we’re going to file for involuntary commitment”. She should have said “if you don’t consent”, but I had no idea I even had a right to consent.

Under the Care and Force Act, anyone receiving care can be subjected to restrictive measures, which are euphemistically and rather incorrectly called “involuntary care”. Yes, even people receiving care in their own homes. And like I said “involuntary care” usually isn’t care at all, but are measures to restrict someone’s freedom, often in the absence of appropriate care. For instance, if a person with dementia lives independently, they can be involuntarily prevented from entering their own kitchen if they’re a risk of leaving appliances on.

I don’t know the exact criteria for people to be subjected to restrictive measures. It has to do something with risk of significant detriment to the client or others. I was, at my old home, subjected to some restrictive measures. For instance, several doors were locked at night because I would enter those areas (eg. the kitchen) and be a danger to myself there. Here at my current home, the door to the living room and all entrances are locked at night anyway and have been from before I came here. I do know at least one fellow resident is locked up in her room at night. This, to me, feels a bit unfair, particularly because there’s no night staff directly available and the ones in the main building usually just tell us to go back to sleep when we press the call button.

Restraint specifically – restricting someone’s physical movement – is also commonly used here. I, thankfully, have only been physically dragged by several people a few times and was never shoved to the ground or forcibly held in position.

The author of the book I read, which is a parent’s guide to autism, recommends not reacting to a disabled person’s meltdown at all unless in such a way absolutely necessary to keep them and others safe. I am not sure I agree, since honestly I don’t feel that many people with developmental disabilities do have the self-regulation skills necessary to calm themselves. In my experience, “crying it out” will not teach them those skills, but will teach them that you’re not available. In the same way, I honestly don’t feel that someone will actually have a meltdown just so they can be restrained, as the author claims. I, honestly, have never felt that having my movement restricted was comforting.

Brain Injury As It Relates to Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities #AtoZChallenge

Hi everyone. We’ve arrived at my letter B post in the #AtoZChallenge. I struggled with what topic to choose for this letter, but eventually settled on brain injury. As you will find out, this type of disability has a kind of controversial relationship to intellectual and developmental disabilities. After all, many people view an intellectual or developmental disability as necessarily present from birth. The American Association on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities (AAIDD), however, considers an intellectual disability as having originated before the age of 22. In the Netherlands, the age of onset cut-of for an intellectual disability care profile in the Long-Term Care Act is 18. As such, people who acquired a brain injury in childhood affecting their ability to learn, are diagnosable as having an intellectual disability.

With respect to other developmental disabilities, such as autism, the diagnostic waters get even muddier. I, for one, was diagnosed as autistic at age 20 despite having suffered a brain bleed as an infant. Then, ten years later, the diagnosis was removed again because apparently a brain injury no matter how early on precludes an autism diagnosis. However, I could not be diagnosed with acquired brain injury-related neuropsychological or behavioral difficulties either, because these would have required a clear before/after difference. Besides, I am blind too, so most neuropsychological testing isn’t possible on me. As a result of this, I ended up with just a regular personality disorder diagnosis. Now I’m not 100% sure I don’t have a personality disorder, but it’s certainly not all there is to me diagnostically.

In the Dutch care system, people with acquired/traumatic brain injury usually fall under physical disability service providers, unless they have really severe challenging behavior. In that case, they usually either end up in an intellectual disability facility or a psychiatric hospital. There are a few specialist mental health units for people with brain injury, but these are treatment-based, not living facilities. There are also nursing home units for people with brain injury, but these cater towards people over 65.

Alarm Anxiety

I just came across an interesting concept when reading Pat’s Soapbox Thursday for today: alarm anxiety. Alarm anxiety is the fear of the alarm not going off or of not getting enough sleep before it does. When I read her description, immediately alarm bells (pun intended) went off in my head. This is what I dealt with throughout high school and into university.

When I was at secondary school, I’d compulsively check that my alarm was on. Since my alarm was at the other end of the room and I couldn’t visually check it due to being blind, I had to physically leave my bed to do so. And I’d do so at least thirty times a night. And worry that, by the time I’d finally fall asleep, if my alarm did go off, I’d still sleep through it because I hadn’t had enough sleep. This only happened once in my entire six years of secondary school.

I had other compulsions too, but these are too embarrassing to share here. In general, I’d spend hours engaging in my various rituals at night. I wouldn’t necessarily say I had OCD, as these obsessions and compulsions only affected me at night.

They got a lot worse when I lived independently and went to university. I had to check whether my front door was locked, all non-essential electronics unplugged, window open, heating off, alarm on and I’m pretty sure there’s something I’m forgetting right now. All of the things that needed to be checked, were for a reason, of course. For example, the heating needed to be off in case of a carbon monoxide leak (even though I didn’t have my own boiler) and the window needed to be open so that, if such a leak occurred, the chance of me getting poisoned would be lower.

I’d spend hours upon hours pacing through my apartment checking that these things were as I needed them to be. It was exhausting!

Thankfully, my compulsions left immediately when I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital. Either the fact that a staff member was on the ward at all times, comforted me, or the mere fact of my having been removed from my apartment and its specific triggers, caused me to be able to let go. And, of course, alarm anxiety was no longer a thing, as the staff would wake me. Besides, we weren’t required to be up by a certain time anyway.