#WeekendCoffeeShare (May 23, 2026)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare again. I originally started typing this post yesterday evening but got distracted and distressed and then never finished my post. It’s now nearly 9PM on Saturday. I just had my evening soft drink but since it’s blazing hot out here, I’ll have to make sure to drink plenty of water. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d expand on my comment about it being blazing hot and talk about the weather. Early in the week, the daytime temp barely got above 12°C and we had rain. On Wednesday, the daytime temperature started to rise and today it’s 30°C. I honestly don’t mind as much, although of course it still being May this makes me worried for the real summer.

If we were having coffee, then I’d share that I am still in the game for a perfect month with respect to my movement ring on my Apple Watch. April was a hard month and I didn’t meet my goal several days. This month, I’m probably not going to meet my monthly challenge goal, but at least I still have a chance at closing my movement ring each day.

Yesterday, the staff and I originally planned on riding the side-by-side bike to the nearby lake for a cup of coffee (and my favorite caramel pie). Unfortunately, the bike wouldn’t work properly so we went for a walk instead and stopped by the institution townhouse for a coffee. They sometimes offer cake too, but apparently not this time.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I made use of both my culinary activity time slots this week. Today, I baked a banana cake. The bananas should’ve been riper, but it was okay nonetheless.

On Wednesday, I cooked a one-pot pasta dish with broccoli, chicken and pesto sauce. I’ve given up my idea of cooking vegan dinners only, because all the prep is just too hard.

Besides, the behavior specialist noticed how happy cooking for my fellow residents made me and talked to my support coordinator about it. Soon, I’ll likely have a weekly opportunity to cook for my side of the home. Whether this will be full-on dinner prep each week, will have to be decided on.

If we were having coffee, next I’d share that the behavior specialist came by on Thursday for a talk. It’s a shame she’s a substitute, because it looks like she’s much more understanding of my situation than the regular one. I do hope that she’ll be able to talk some sense into the regular one when she comes back in a month or so though.

It isn’t like she wasn’t critical of me, of course. For example, she asked me whether there’s any risk in my writing about my life in the institution openly online for this care agency. I was up front with her that I can be quite harsh in my criticism of my staff and, if they read it, they may recognize themselves. However, I never name my institution or any individual workers. Not that, being that I’m not an employee, there’s any law prohibiting me from naming and shaming the institution if I so wished, but I can see it wouldn’t help my relationship with my staff. That’s why I don’t usually give out my blog address to staff.

One of the positive outcomes of our meeting is the fact that the behavior specialist and I got talking about my IQ. As regular readers of this blog know, the IQ that’s in my care plan was pulled out of mid-air, in that no-one except for me knows where it came from and until now, no-one seemed to care. It turns out she’d been looking for the report and couldn’t find it. Phew, finally! I explained that the report is nowhere to be found except on my personal computer. The report literally dates back to 1999 and isn’t the best childhood psych eval report I have at that. But it’s the one with the catchiest punchline, ie. the three-digit IQ score. I never realized myself until very recently that most staff, being practically educated, go right for catchy bullet points and, as a result, won’t remember the pages and pages of information about my emotional development when they’ve been wowed about my “super high” IQ. In any case, here’s hoping the behavior specialist will finally get this nonsensical number removed from my care plan.

If we were having coffee, I’d then ramble on non-stop about the other issues this meeting brought up. Do you have a couple hours? I just deleted an incredibly long paragraph because I saw my post was fast approaching 1000 words. Instead, I’ll wrap this up and go to bed, as it’s nearly 11:30PM by now.

IQ Is Just a Number

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today, Sadje asks in her Sunday Poser whether we’ve ever taken an online IQ test. I have, exactly once. I was about eighteen at the time and randomly looking at tests online. I can’t remember the source of the IQ test and I didn’t pay to get the so-called full report, but the thing said I had an IQ of 118.

Like I’ve said a few times, I also got IQ tests as part of various psychological evaluations many times throughout my childhood. The one that is most prominent in my life right now, is the only one in which I was actually given a literal score: 154. The educational psychologist even called me gifted based on it.

I have mentioned many times how this score is probably way above my actual IQ. For starters, I’d had the exact same test a year prior and had memorized most of the questions. Additionally, contrary to common belief and contrary to my care plan I believe, it wasn’t a total IQ score. When testing the IQ of blind people, usually only the verbal part of the IQ scale is administered. There is a non-verbal intelligence test for visually impaired children that the psychologist prior to the one saying I have an IQ of 154 did administer. Unfortunately, she didn’t give any concrete scores and in fact stopped the test midway through because I got so frustrated. As a result, I have no way of proving that my performance IQ is a lot lower than my verbal IQ. But I’m pretty sure it is.

Sadje at one point points out that intelligence isn’t just knowledge, but also the ability to use one’s knowledge sensibly. Particularly with respect to verbal IQ vs. performance IQ, this makes sense. Verbal IQ is mostly related to academic ability and general knowledge. Performance IQ, on the other hand, requires actual insight and practical skill.

Of course, as someone with a (probably) much higher verbal than performance IQ, I can only relate to how this burdens me. I am horribly overestimated because of my eloquent speech. I imagine the opposite might be true for people with a split in IQ scores the other way around.

Lastly, I want to point out that even within a verbal IQ test (and I assume within the performance one too), people can have spiky profiles. My strength is and always has been in arithmetic. Other relatively strong areas at least at one point used to include Number sequences (a test of memory) and Similarities. My biggest weakness is the part called Comprehension, in which you need to answer questions about social or practical situations. I also often scored below-average on the vocabulary subtest.

The IQ test that pointed to my verbal IQ being 154, was administered in 1999. I had my last IQ test in 2017 and it showed my IQ to be roughly 119. With that version of the test, the strict verbal/performance distinction had been abandoned, but it is safe to say this was my verbal IQ. Even though I’m pretty sure I did decline cognitively between 1999 and 2017, I’m adamant that 154 score is utter nonsense.

With respect to Sadje’s point that intelligence isn’t just knowledge, I’m proof that she’s right. I am still said to have an above-average IQ, but I can’t do the most basic self-care tasks without supervision.

IQ Tests and Final Exams and Psychological Assessments, Oh My!

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all! Today, Esther’s weekly writing prompt is “tests”. Oh my! This made me think of so many things. IQ tests: I’ve had half a dozen or more during my life. Final exams: so glad they’re over with and it’s been twenty years since I graduated high school. Psychological assessments: I still have a love-hate relationship with those. And that goes for tests in general, I guess.

After all, as a child, I didn’t mind taking IQ tests. When I was twelve, I got the infamous Wechsler IQ test, well, the verbal part of it, since I’m blind and the performance part isn’t accessible. I got a score of 154, which, according to the psychologist, indicated giftedness. I’m pretty sure there were all sorts of things wrong with that assessment though.

When I was 30, I got another IQ test, Wechsler again but the adult version and now they removed the clear distinction between verbal and performance IQ so the report just said I got “parts” of the test. My overall IQ score had dropped to 119 I believe. That’s still above-average and I’m pretty sure that’s correct. However, I wish there were a performance IQ test for blind people, because I am pretty sure that’d show where my real limits are. Not that I’m proud of being disabled, but I am and if it could be proven on a test, that’d be much better than an ever-changing psychiatric diagnosis.

Final exams. Like I said, I’m glad it’s been twenty years since I graduated high school. My final exams were quite frustrating, as not only was I horribly nervous, but my computer crashed once in the middle of the test. I graduated from what in the UK is called grammar school and honestly I have no clue how I did it. I mean, well, I know, sort of: the same way I “passed” my IQ tests, ie. being a pretty above-average memorizer. Too bad that a good memory and decent academic skills don’t get me far in life. It takes more than test-taking abilities to be successful, after all.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (February 17, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare today. Like most times, I’ve already had my last cup of coffee for the day. I hope we still have apple and peach-flavored Dubbelfrisss, my favorite soft drink, though. We’re permitted a soft drink each evening as opposed to just on weekends as of this week, but I haven’t had it each day and I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who drinks this particular soft drink, so I’m optimistic there’s still some left. Anyway, let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first, I’d talk about the weather. It’s been a rainy but mild week. In fact, on Thursday (if I’m correct), the daytime temperature climbed to 15°C. Today was the best day of the week as far as it not raining goes, but we did get a few drops here and there.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I taught myself and subsequently my staff a new dice game called Centennial. It is a welcome distraction from the usual Yahtzee. I have also been playing Mexican, which is supposedly a drinking game but it can be fun without the beer too.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that, on Thursday, I finished the first pair of polymer clay earrings I can actually wear. The previous pairs of earrings I created had been hooks, which I can’t yet wear due to not having had my ears pierced long enough. I finally found an easy-to-follow YouTube tutorial on how to embed earring posts into polymer clay. Even though I could only do a small part of the work myself, I am quite satisfied with the result. And, of course, I did create the original earrings myself. These are a simple design of leaf green Fimo ovals with gold Fimo liquid around the edges for decorating. In the future, I really hope to create more earrings.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I rewrote my care plan together with my support coordinator. I’m still unsure as to what I think of it.

Particularly, I feel rather stressed out about the portion about my emotional functioning. I had an emotional developmental assessment done in 2018, which determined I function in most areas comparable to a child age 6-18 months. In some areas, it estimated my functioning to be much higher than I would estimate my own, such as in object permanence, while in others (such as handling unfamiliar material), it estimated me to function at a much lower level. I mentioned this to my support coordinator, who proposed the assessment be repeated. Since my one-on-one is largely based on my poor emotional functioning and the discrepancy between this and my IQ, this stresses me out. This especially since my assigned staff, who will likely be asked to complete the associated questionnaire, grossly overestimates my capabilities based on my verbal skills.

On a positive note, my previously assumed exact IQ score, which dates back to a test done in 1999, was finally removed. Yay, I am no longer 154. Instead, I am said to have an “above-average IQ”, which is more in line with a more recent IQ test (also a little dated, but at least not 25 years).

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you all that, next week, I’ll finally be taking my next step in tapering my antipsychotic, Abilify. I took two tiny steps back in 2022, but remained at my current dosage ever since August of 2022 due to never having stabilized in the intensive support home. Now I’m not sure it’s the right time either, but then again I doubt it’ll ever be the right time, in that I’ll probably never be fully stable. I will go from 25mg to 20mg a day. I will stay on this new dosage for at least six weeks, unless of course I’ll spiral out of control to the point of necessitating we return to the old dosage. Wish me luck!

The Downside of Praise

Posted on by Astrid

As a child, I was often praised excessively for my achievements. I remember one day, when I did calendar calculation at a family get-together, calculating what day of the week May 3, 1327 (for example), was, my mother exclaimed: “She’s sublime, she’s a genius!” For those who don’t know, many autistic or otherwise developmentally disabled people, including those with lower measured IQs, have this skill as what is stereotypically called a “splinter skill”. Now don’t get me started on the ableism of the term “splinter skill” when applied to people with lower measured IQs, but calendar calculation alone definitely doesn’t make someone, anyone, a genius.

And just so you know, it’s incredibly counterproductive to praise a person for who they are rather than what they do. It is usually better to praise someone for their achievements by naming those achievements as well done rather than praising the person themself. Moreover, any excessive praise, even if you say “you did an awesome job calendar calculating”, can be taken the wrong way.

Besides, many people feel they are praised for something that doesn’t reflect their personal values. For example, when I am praised for completing a personal care task, all I see is pressure to be able to do it independently the next time too. When, however, I am praised for creating something nice out of polymer clay, for my writing or the like, I feel like I’m valued for my contribution to the world.

There is, or so I’ve read, some school of thought that says any praise, whether person-centered or accomplishment-based, should be avoided by parents or carers. This doesn’t mean parents or carers should completely ignore their child’s achievements. Rather, simply pointing them out and engaging with the child about their achievements, will, according to these people, help the child develop a healthy sense of self. Honestly, I am inclined to agree with this.

I Am (Not!) 154

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all. Today’s topic for Friday Faithfuls is IQ testing. This topic is very dear to my heart, as IQ tests have often been used and even more often misused to determine my entire life path.

When I was twelve, I had an IQ test administered to me. It was the verbal half of the Wechsler intelligence scale for children (the performance half can’t be administered to me because of my blindness). On this verbal IQ test, I got an overall score of 154. According to the educational psychologist writing the report, this is a sign of giftedness.

There were several problems with this assigned IQ score. For one thing, like I said, it’s just a verbal IQ score. The year prior, another ed psych had tried an intelligence test for visually impaired children which utilizes non-verbal components, but had given up on the test midway through because I got too frustrated. This ed psych had also administered the verbal half of the Wechsler scale, but her report doesn’t give an IQ number.

Another thing, which you might figure out from my previous paragraph, is the possibility of a retest effect, since I took the exact same test twice in a year. The ed psych that labeled me with an IQ of 154 did try to find out whether this had actually happened. He asked me whether I had been told when taking the test the last time which answers were correct and which weren’t. I had, in fact, with some, and besides, my father had given me extensive advice on how to answer some questions even more cleverly than I had done. However, I knew the purpose of this assessment: to get the green light for me to go into mainstream, high level secondary education rather than special ed for the blind. I wasn’t at the time really sure whether that’s what I wanted, but my parents did and I, being twelve, didn’t question their authority. So I said “no” and the ed psych concluded there was no retest effect.

I don’t doubt that I have an above-average verbal IQ. But 154, in my opinion, is probably too high. Besides, verbal intelligence is what you need to succeed in traditional schoolwork. What you need to succeed in life, is more related to performance IQ, if you ask me.

Even now though, nearly a quarter of a century later, the number 154 pops up here and there and everywhere with regards to me. Professionals keep assigning new dates to the original IQ score, calling it a total rather than verbal IQ, and making more nonsense out of these ever-intriguing three digits.

I have tried to talk to the behavior specialist about this. What I really want is to be re-evaluated. Not just with respect to (verbal) IQ, but with respect to other things too. She for now only agreed to write a note by the IQ score of 154 saying that it dates back 25 years.

You’d assume that, in intellectual disability services, it wouldn’t matter whether your IQ is 100 or 150, since it means no intellectual disability regardless. However, several of my current staff have admitted being wowed at my IQ score before they got to know me. I hate that the most, being reduced to being 154.

IQ As It Relates to Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone and welcome to my letter I post in the #AtoZChallenge. Today, I want to write about IQ. IQ, a measure of intelligence, is one of the determining criteria for intellectual disability. So how is it measured in the general population and in people with an intellectual or developmental disability?

The concept of IQ dates back to the 19th century, when early psychologists first started developing tests for measuring intelligence. These were based on the idea that intelligence increases as a child grows up, so they were based on skill sets a child of a certain age should be able to master. IQ was then decided to be intellectual age divided by chronological age multiplied by 100 (to get the idea that a normal IQ is 100). For example, if a child aged five masters the skills of a three-year-old, their IQ was 3 / 5 * 100 = 60.

This is problematic, because among other things it does not allow for testing of adults and does not allow for variation on different skill levels. It was therefore abandoned in favor of a norm-based IQ testing system. Both the Wechsler scales (most commonly used in Europe) and the Stanford-Binet test (which is used more often in the U.S.), are norm-based, with an IQ of 100 being average and standard deviations of 15 (Wechsler) or 16 (Stanford-Binet) determining differences such as intellectual disability and giftedness.

I am familiar only with the Wechsler scales. There is a preschooler, a children’s and an adult version of these. The children’s and adult versions at least contain non-verbal as well as verbal tasks. Until some years ago, these were divided into categories of verbal and performance IQ. I, for one, can only have my verbal IQ tested. This refers to skills such as math, vocabulary, working memory, information (general knowledge questions), etc. The performance/non-verbal tasks include patterns, object recognition (where you see an object with part of it missing and need to identify it), etc. I am pretty sure that, if my performance IQ could ever be tested, it’d be significantly lower than my verbal IQ, as is commonly the case with verbally capable autistics.

On the other hand, nonspeaking or partly verbal autistics often find their intelligence being underestimated because they struggle on verbal IQ tests or cannot take them at all. For this reason, for nonspeaking autistics, a non-verbal IQ test may be more appropriate.

I did honestly find that the adult Wechsler scale was quite difficult even for me, a person with a high level high school and some college education. I honestly doubt those with a moderate intellectual disability will even be able to answer the simplest of questions on it. For example, the first math question was something like: “John had six apples, Peter had two apples, how many apples did the two of them have combined?” Interestingly, the first vocab question was to define “apple”. And no, in Dutch, there is no ambiguity (in case people are thinking “the brand that makes iPhones”). However, the correct answer was “fruit”, which I struggled to come up with, as that’s not a definition, more like a categorization.

Functioning Levels, Support Needs and Other Ways of Classifying Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. For my letter F post, I am going to talk about functioning levels and related ways of classifying the severity of intellectual and developmental disabilities. Most of these are highly controversial within the developmentally disabled community itself.

First are functioning levels. These can be described in several ways. With respect to autism, there is of course high-functioning and low-functioning. The distinction between these is not at all clear: does high-functioning mean an at least average IQ, the ability to speak or the presence of relatively few autism symptoms? In any case, these are often very confusing.

An alternative approach suggested by some autistics is to speak of high, moderate or low support needs. I, according to this classification, would be considered as having high support needs even though I’m considered “high-functioning” in at least two of the aforementioned ways (speech and IQ).

Some people have proposed yet another classification, not based on support needs or apparent functioning, which are after all based on a (presumably neurotypical) professional’s assessment, but on masking. Masking is the ability to hide one’s disability-related symptoms from the public. In this sense, “high-functioning” individuals are considered high-masking.

In intellectual disability without co-occurring autism or other neurodivergencies, functioning levels are slightly more useful than in autism, in that they are based on IQ and level of adaptive functioning. In this classification system, someone with an IQ between 50 and 70 (or 85 in some countries, such as the Netherlands) is considered mildly intellectually disabled. Someone with an IQ between 35 and 50 is considered moderately intellectually disabled. An IQ between 20 and 35 puts someone in the severely intellectually disabled range, and an IQ below 20 puts someone in the profoundly intellectually disabled range. That being said, having had my IQ tested many times, I wonder how well IQs below like 50 can be measured on standard intelligence tests. I guess for more severely disabled people for this reason, professionals prefer the term mental age. Like I said yesterday, this is considered discriminatory.

Good Enough

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s optional prompt word for #LifeThisWeek is “Good”. Denyse takes on a cynical approach to the word, which reminds me of the many degrees of being called “good” I experienced.

In my elementary school years, my parents were in a constant fight with the schools for the blind I attended about my educational needs and my potential. According to the school, I was a good enough student. That’s the literal translation of the words that appeared on my report card often. Sometimes, when I was better than average, just “Good” appeared.
My parents thought I ought to get some more recognition. They thought I was excellent, sublime, a genius.

My schools thought I should be going to their secondary school program, which at the highest level catered to average students. My parents believed I could do far better.

I doubt, to be very honest, that my teachers truly didn’t see that academically, I was above-average. At least some of my teachers must have seen this. However, socially and emotionally, I was significantly behind. This was probably the real reason my schools recommended I continue in special education. My parents disagreed. They felt that I would be overprotected and underestimated in special ed. They might’ve been right. We’ll never know, since my parents took me from educational psychologist to educational psychologist until they had the recommendation for mainstream high level secondary education in their hands.

What I do know, is that I ended up being overestimated and underprotected. My parents would love to deny this and blame the staff in independence training for essentially setting me up for long-term care. Agree to disagree. Then again, we’ll never know, because I didn’t go into independent living and on to university right out of high school.

Sometimes, I wish I was just the average, good enough student that some of my teachers saw me as. Then at least I wouldn’t have to face the enormous challenge of both a high IQ and an emotional level comparable in many ways to an 18-month-old child. Then, I might not be writing blog posts in English, but I also might not need 24-hour care.

Then again, I enjoy writing blog posts. I like my care facility. Life is good enough for me.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (October 11, 2020)

Posted on by Astrid

It’s Sunday and I’m in definite need of some coffee. For this reason, I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s not time for my evening coffee yet, but maybe I can enjoy a virtual cuppa.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that the weather is gloomy. It’s been raining almost the entire day and it’s cold enough that I could use my winter coat.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’m struggling quite a bit. Yesterday I landed in crisis. I didn’t sleep all night and was still feeling very tense by this morning. A walk didn’t even help, because I felt cold and was very tired and overloaded.

I am also struggling with what to tell my husband. The crisis was quite bad and I really want to be open to my husband. However, I fear he’s going to be angry with me for it, because in other places, this could’ve led to me being kicked out. In fact, I’m still worried that the staff are going to decide to kick me out after all.

It makes me feel sad that I, being of above-average IQ, am expected to make my own decisions regarding this stuff and make sure my family is informed.

I mean, of course it has its pros that I’m intelligent. If I had an intellectual disability, I wouldn’t be able to blog, for instance. I also wouldn’t have my husband. However, this discrepancy between my IQ and my ability to cope emotionally, is weighing me down quite a bit.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, as unlikely as it may seem now, the rest of the week was pretty good. I made some soap and experimented with baking soda modeling clay. I removed some of the figures from their molds today, but I think they hadn’t fully hardened, as they were still pretty brittle.

If we were having coffee, I would share that I’ve been loving browsing Amazon’s Kindle collection for books to get. I don’t want to buy them yet, but I did download a few free books.

I also finally got Listify on Apple Books. This is a book of journaling prompts (yes, again!) but most are list-based.

What have you been up to lately?