Hi all! It’s the last day of the month and this means it’s time for my month in review. The month of May was harder than the month of April even and, if I had to summarize my attitude in one sentence, it’d be “I’ve had enough, this is the limit!”. Unfortunately, my saying that I’ve had enough, doesn’t mean people around me actually listen.
The month started with a weekend in which I experienced a major breakdown, during which I expressed quite a lot of hopelessness, leading to suicidal ideation. I expressed my despair in the living room with several other residents present. I realize this isn’t acceptable, but I can’t take full responsibility for the situation either. This among other things led the staff to decide to drag me to my room the next Monday for the crime of appearing in distress while in the living room outside of my one-on-one.
This was the final straw for me with respect to my staff disregarding my rights under the guise of my (or rather, other people’s) best interest and I decided to contact the client confidante on involuntary care. So far, even though I had the initial meeting with her three weeks ago, no luck planning a meeting with my support coordinator and behavior specialist and I doubt it’s ever going to happen. I’m currently at a very low point in my perpetually low trust of the powers-that-be. I would like to say I’ve hit rock bottom, but each time I say this, I realize things can get even worse.
All this does diminish my joy in the fun and meaningful activities I do engage in. Mind you, I still do occasionally do meaningful activities and I might start cooking for my side of the home again soon, but I doubt that with the way my staff are struggling to support me, it’s ever going to work.
My wife and I had two meetings on our divorce this month too. It’s been quite stressful even though we’re in agreement about what we want. The next meeting will be for us to sign the agreement and then our part of the process is over I think.
I’m noticing that, despite my hope of expanding my social circle this year, I’m self-isolating more. I did attend the monthly brain injury meeting this month but that’s as far as it goes. Nobody seems to want to support my hopes and dreams either and this frustrates me to no end, because with my executive dysfunction, I can’t pursue them without help.
I did start working in a neurodivergent-friendly dialectical behavior therapy workbook after I’d had the umpteenth argument with a staff. I’ve also let my support coordinator and assigned staff know I’d like to get help regulating my emotions, but I doubt it’s going to happen in a way that works for me. I mean, my staff obviously would like to see me suppress my needs and feelings again, while I do realize I need to express them less aggressively but this does mean expressing them earlier on.
A few weeks ago, the topic of whether I’m at the right care home was brought to the table yet again. I can’t shake the feeling that, so long as I haven’t become unmanageable to the staff yet, nothing will change and, if/when I do become unmanageable, I’ll be kicked right out. The higher-ups are trying to reassure me I won’t be kicked out “just like that”, but truthfully I don’t know what’d be worse: being kicked out or remaininng in my current place while nothing improves indefinitely.
A Multitude of Musings 
You have a lot of big emotions. Maybe sorting through why they are so big is what matters most. You seem to be in an institution that isn’t working for you right now. When I was younger, I had a lot of big emotions too, and I had trouble holding back for the sake of others. I was in “medical foster homes”, but not institutions, because I was not on drugs and not dangerous to others.
There’s a line between regulating emotions and suppressing needs. You can have your needs met without big emotions. I know that seems illogical, because big emotions got your needs met in the past. As time moves on, people get tired of this manner of someone getting their needs met. You still have needs. They still need met. However, you can get them met, in time, with patience, without being aggressive.
I know that doesn’t seem true. I can see in the place you’re at that everything moves at a snail’s pace. That doesn’t mean never however. It just means it will take longer than you think is reasonable (and maybe is not reasonable how long). Where I live, healthcare can be like that too… taking way too long to get any help.
Please find a way to make your needs known in the appropriate settings with the appropriate people, while remaining patient. That is asking a lot. I know. It might be the only way your living situation improves, however.
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I totally see your point. I do try my best to express my needs without showing big emotions, but it looks like my staff are used to my big emotions so not only will they not accept my expressing myself with those big emotions (which I can see is fair especially in the presence of other residents), but they will flat out ignore my needs when I am expressing them without those big emotions. I was literally asked by one of the staff why I’d suddenly involved the client confidante now, since I’d been swallowing the staff’s actions, which can sometimes (not always, thankfully) be disrespectful at best and abusive at worst, for years. For example, recently I was assigned a student staff who is not only incompetent (as well, most students start out so that’s not my issue) but unwilling to learn. I objected (while giving the staff a chance to make it work with this student) while indeed showing some distress but not in an aggressive way, only to be told it was either him or nobody. As you know, I have one-on-one mostly in my room so there’s no way for more experienced staff to notice how the student interacts with me. This is not necessarily wrong (especially after proper orienting, which unfortunately no-one gets), since most people learn best by doing, but I have many reasons to believe this person is indeed unwilling to receive any feedback. It looks like action might be taken after all, but it took me being hurt emotionally several times and that’s an understatement but I don’t want to share details in case I’ll get in trouble.
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