Gratitude List (December 29, 2024) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m doing a gratitude list again. As usual, I’m linking it up with Ten Things of Thankful. Here goes.

1. A nice Christmas-themed walk around institution grounds on Tuesday. We were able to see lights, listen to a barrel organ playing festive jingles and at the end of the walk, we could do some crafty things like decorate a clementine with cloves and create a paper rose.

2. The fact that the labeling tape I ordered online early in the week, actually arrived on time for my visit to my in-laws on Christmas (where I’d had it delivered) and the tape also fit into my home’s label printer. I as a result was finally able to label my new clay.

3. Fries. I always have to include several food-theemd thankfuls, don’t I? On Tuesday, we had French fries.

4. Seeing my spouse and in-laws on Christmas.

5. Making salad on Boxing Day. A student staff’s mother had made homemade Turkish-style meatballs called köfte.

6. Being able to play DJ at the home’s dance party on Friday. Another student staff had brought his large Bluetooth-enabled speaker and I asked him if I’d be allowed to connect it to my iPhone and be the DJ. That was so cool! At first, I played ABBA like I’d requested the staff do the previous time we had a party. Then I put on a random EDM playlist, but that wasn’t well-received, so I switched to my own personal playlist of Dutch and dialect songs.

7. Getting in lots of exercise minutes today. I took three longer walks.

8. The fact that my support coordinator reassured me that, pending my one-on-one renewal request, things will stay the same for now and no hours will be cut. Officially, my one-on-one needs renewing by January 1 and we haven’t heard anything yet. I’m still struggling with my current hours particularly in the evenings, so I really hope that things won’t get worse. We’ll see.

9. Meeting up with my spouse again yesterday. And looking forward to going to our house over New Year’s.

10. The fact that the festive season is almost over. I can’t stand all the chaos.

Gratitude List (December 22, 2024) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining Ten Things of Thankful today. Let’s see what I’ve been grateful for over the past week.

1. Pizza. Technically, this is one from last week. Last Sunday, there was no meal delivery service meal I liked, so I chose to get takeout pizza. I chose one with onions, mushrooms, bell peppers, sausages and fresh garlic.

2. Another food one: my Christmas hamper. This year, we had the choice between a food hamper either regular or low-cal, a beauty hamper or a crafty one. Figuring that budgets are tight, I decided to go for the regular food hamper, as I doubted what was in the others would be of interest to me. I got marshmallows, chocolate, chips, whipped cream and waffles, cocoa and maybe I forgot something. Oh yes, I did: pretzel sticks, but I gave those away. I probably gained several pounds from enjoying the food and I have the marshmallows and chocolate still unopened.

3. Oh wait, another food one and a more likely cause of weight gain: a new staff had gotten chocolate with salted caramel as a welcome present to the care agency, but she didn’t like salted caramel, so gave the bar to me. That one is gone by now.

4. The fact that I was able to take a bath on Wednesday. I used a bath bomb that changed colors and had a nice scent (although for the life of me I can’t remember which).

5. My decreased antipsychotic dosage that I started on last Friday. I’m now on 15mg of Abilify a day. So far, I haven’t been significantly more irritable.

6. The fact that the days are officially getting longer now. Man, do I hate winter and especially the darkness.

7. A good visit from my spouse today. We hadn’t seen each other last week, so the visit felt extra special. We went shopping at Hema, my spouse’s favorite store, and ate lunch there too.

8. The fact that I was able to go for a walk today despite the weather being rather gloomy in the afternoon. Thankfully though, no rain in the evening.

9. The fact that I’m still creatively inspired. And generally more motivated to do things than I used to be.

10. Peace. I mean both inner peace and outer peace. That is, I’m still experiencing anxiety, but it isn’t nearly as severe as it was several months ago. I’m also so grateful that, at least for now, I live in peace.

No Bad Food #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

This week’s prompt for Stream Of Consciousness Saturday is “food”. I immediately thought of the title for my post: “No bad food.” This is a phrase used in health-conscious communities to clarify that there’s no such thing as a “forbidden” food when dieting. I had the comment that no food is forbidden written at the bottom of my weight loss food plan in early 2022. That is, the goal wasn’t even weight loss for me, but rather, to have a healthier relationship with food.

This is also what health gurus who use the phrase “no bad food” aim to accomplish: for dieters to be aware of their healthy or less healthy choices rather than rigidly stripping foods off of their “allowed” list.

I’d like to take it a step further and say that the only food you shouldn’t eat is food you’re allergic to or food that’s gone bad. And I mean this absolutely. Yes, some food choices are healthier than others, but when you’re already a restrictive eater and you’re limiting yourself even further because, for example, chocolate spread isn’t “healthy”, you’ll end up with worse problems.

I mean, when originally starting my food plan in 2022, my dietitian gave me a standard weight loss plan because I was significantly overweight. I however wouldn’t eat at least 75% of the food on it, especially the foods she recommended for breakfast and lunch. Thankfully, rather than deciding not to eat at all, which my eating disordered self might’ve done, I negotiated foods I found tolerable and that were still considered somewhat “healthy”.

Now I happen to have the privilege of being at an almost healthy BMI, but the fact that I struggled to maintain a healthy eating routine (or any eating routine, for that matter) when trying to stick to a weight loss diet, did convince me that, truthfully, there’s no such thing as bad food.

Indeed, there’s no such thing as a good or bad eating routine. Yes, some choices are healthier than others, but there’s nothing wrong with making “unhealthy” choices when those are the “healthy” choices given your personal circumstances. Honestly, in fact, I believe there’s no moral wrong in eating whatever you feel like eating. Placing the blame for obesity on the individual, is, in my opinion, ignoring the fact that many people are struggling to stay afloat mentally and physically without having to deal with restricting their food intake.

And I don’t mean that people can’t make healthier food choices, or that they shouldn’t be encouraged to do so within the limits of their own personal circumstances. Like, I eventually settled on low-calorie jelly for on my lunch bread rather than chocolate spread and for regular muesli rather than crunchy muesli for breakfast. These are healthier choices and I am glad I made those. However, if I could not have made those choices for whatever reason, it’d still have been better to eat my crunchy muesli and chocolate spread on bread than to starve.

Gratitude List (December 1, 2024) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s nearly 11PM as I write this. I feel motivated to write, but can’t really think of a lot to write about. However, a gratitude list is always good. I’m joining in with #TToT. It’s been forever! Let’s see what I’ve been grateful for this past week.

1. Inspiration to craft. I mentioned this yesterday too and have been claying again today. I also have many ideas floating around in my head.

2. A visit to a nearby market again. I got fried calamares at the fish stand. I also bought spicy olives.

3. The pasta salad with tuna we had yesterday. And the fact that it wasn’t used as an extra but as the main meal.

4. Sleep. I’ve been sleeping a lot over the past few days. Not always at night, but who cares?

5. Warm clothes. I’m nursing a cold, like I said yesterday, and, though I don’t have a fever, I do feel more comfy wearing warm clothes.

6. The fact that I managed to talk out a recent issue with a staff today. She tried to assign me a temp worker on Friday even though there were other options. It turned out she hadn’t fully understood the agreement.

7. The fact that I now feel at least a tiny bit comfortable with the new staff. With the latest addition to the team, I struggled a bit, but we had a good time on Thursday.

8. My mental state. I’m still experiencing anxiety on a daily basis, but it’s a lot less severe than it used to be.

9. Motivation to write. Like I said yesterday, this is a sign that my mood is improving.

10. The fact that I no longer live independently. I was reminded of the fact that I’m intensely grateful for this again this evening when my spouse called me because of stress related to our house. I feel a bit guilty for not being able to help, but at the same time I’m so glad I no longer have this responsibility, because when I did, it didn’t mean less stress for my spouse and it did mean significantly more stress for me.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (November 30, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone on this last day of November. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. I just had my last cup of coffee for the day, with a treat of the Dutch typical St. Nicholas candy mix “strooigoed”. I’d have loved to pass you some, but ate the whole bag myself. I’m just comforting myself that the amount wasn’t nearly what I used to consume during a binge. Anyway, let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. A serious storm passed by here on Wednesday. It was the first major storm in nearly a year and a half or so I read on the news. That surprised me, since it wasn’t even a year ago that a staff from one of the intensive support homes died while riding the side-by-side bike with a client. Then again, the most severe winds aren’t in this province and therefore maybe near the coast people are less likely to go out in stormy weather.

Anyway, during the remainder of the week, it hasn’t rained and sometimes even the sun came out for a bit. Daytime temperatures have been around 8°C.

If we were having coffee, I’d say that I’m doing pretty well this week. I consider the fact that this is my fourth blog post of the week, a positive sign of my improved mental health. I really hope it continues.

If we were having coffee, then I’d share that I have a nasty cold. This morning, I spent most of the time in bed because I was feeling so miserable. No fever, thankfully, but in my case even a cold can knock me down for a few days.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that I’ve been quite crafty over the week. On Tuesday, I created a polymer clay pig for a staff who will celebrate 25 years of working for this care agency on Monday. And just so you know, she was the one constantly asking me if I could create a pig; it isn’t like I think a pig is especially suited to her.

Polymer Clay Pig

On Thursday, I crafted yet another polymer clay unicorn, this one for a new staff, who is into unicorns as much as I am. I tried adding flower-shaped wings to it, but this wasn’t a success, since during the curing process, one of the wings fell slightly down the back of the unicorn and got distorted in the process. No photo, sorry, since I threw the thing into the bin.

Then today, I didn’t know what to do, so I decided to mix a polymer clay color. Not sure what I’ll do with it.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I didn’t do Black Friday shopping this year. That is, I did purchase some new clay supplies yesterday, but they weren’t on sale as far as I could tell.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you that we had pasta salad with tuna for dinner today. I had originally planned to make it with a staff, but since I don’t want everyone else to catch my cold, the staff ended up making it himself. He initially wanted to offer everyone a bit as a side dish with our regular meal, but I countered that we have enough to use it as a meal. My plan had been that we’d have a tasty meal for once rather than the mediocre meal service food. Besides, we get treats more often than I want to think of. See my point about the St. Nicholas treat: it wasn’t a binge, but it was more than my food plan says I can have and I’m not even on a weight loss diet.

Flash Fiction: Don’t Forget the Veg…

Posted on by Astrid

As Joel looked through the kitchen cupboard this evening, what he saw could best be described as “organized chaos”. Oh wait, no, it wasn’t even organized. Just chaos. Like his life.

Joel hated cooking, cleaning and budgeting, but he had to since being leftt to fend for himself at barely sixteen. His mother had abandoned him and his two younger siblings. He had a side job that he went to after school, but money was tight.

Thankfully, he was inventive. Joel managed to whip up a meal for the three of them tonight. It was just pasta, ketchup and kohlrabi, but with an added multivitamin for all of them, this had to do. Besides, no-one could accuse him of forgetting the veg…

This little piece of flash fiction was written for this week’s Friday Fictioneers. I had the image described through my screen reader’s image description option.

The pasta, kohlrabi and ketchup meal was invented by my partner one day when we were spending a Sunday together and every supermarket was closed. We joke that it’s the most delicious meal I’ve ever had.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (October 12, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare today. It’s nearly 9PM, so long past my last coffee break for the day. However, I’d be happy to pass you a virtual mug of your favorite beverage. My spouse is in search for pumpkin spice latte. Since my blog readership is mostly international, I doubt anyone could recommend a place to find it tomorrow local to here and my spouse can do a Google search too. Anyway, let’s have a drink and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, I’d start by sharing about the weather. It’s been quite cool with daytime temps below 15°C most days. Today, the daytime high was as low as 12°C. Brrrr! We’ve also had some rain, though none today or yesterday. Next week, we’re supposed to get one day with a daytime temperature of 21°C. Sadly, rain is in the forecast then too.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that, this week, I did okay with my exercise. I didn’t meet my goal everyday, but I don’t care.

On Thursday, a staff and I were riding the side-by-side bike to a nearby town, so that I could pick up a package. (As regular readers of my blog know, package delivery to the institution is hit-or-miss, so I set up a pick-up point in the nearest town as my default delivery address with DHL.) The road leading directly to the town was under construction, so we headed another way. When we were in the next village, the bike got a flat tire. The staff called the home to have someone else pick me up by car and he himself walked to the care home with the bike. It’s really frustrating, because this bike had just had major repairs.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I did pick up the package yesterday. When in that town, we noticed it was market day. We decided to get some fried fish. Then, when coming to another stand, we heard something about an offer by which, if you’d bought something from four vendors, you could draw a prize, like a voucher. We went back to the fish stand and asked for them to sign our card too. I visited the fish stand like I said, the veggie/fruit stand (where I bought raspberries and lemons), the nuts stand and the olive stand. I then went to draw the prize and it was a €5 voucher. I spent that on licorice. Of course, most food at farmer’s markets is more expensive than at the supermarket, but I love the experience. By the way, if anyone has any ideas for what to do with lemons, your suggestions are welcome. I thought many smoothies had fresh lemon juice in them, but only a teaspoon or so and I have six lemons.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I did a lot of baking over the past week. On Tuesday, I tried baking cookies from a store-bought mixture, but those didn’t turn out good. I then decided to give cookie baking another try on Wednesday, making the cookies from scratch. That was much better! Finally, today, I baked a cake. Don’t tell my dietitian, as I’ve probably gained weight. Weight management can wait.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you that I got a new day schedule. It doesn’t look much different, but there are some significant improvements. For example, it’s now clear who will be supporting me during the day. The weekend schedule is also now the same as the weekday schedule. I haven’t yet read the schedule myself and, judging from what the staff are saying, it does need a few small tweaks. I’ll discuss this with my assigned staff soon.

Speaking of which, I got a new second assigned staff. I have had one staff as my assigned staff for a few months, but she only works one or two days a week. I now got one of the student staff as my secondary assigned staff. I think she’s quite good at her job despite just starting out.

Friday Feels (September 13, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m participating in Friday Feels. The idea is to answer three questions about the past week and share an F word related to it. The questions are:


  1. What made me happy?

  2. What made me sad?

  3. What made a difference?

F word

My F word for this week is “fall”. Last Saturday, it looked like summer wasn’t going to end anytime soon, since the daytime temperature reached 27°C. From this past Monday on though, the weather’s been considerably chillier and rainier. On Wednesday, the temperature didn’t even get above 14°C. Today is slightly less chilly, but the nights are truly getting colder.

What made me happy?

First, Chinese takeout for dinner on Monday to celebrate a fellow client’s birthday.

Second, a treat of one of my favorite biscuits with my afternoon coffee today.

Third, the fact that I was able to get the WiFi on my iPhone to work properly again here. It turned out that turning off a privacy setting on my phone for this particular network, solved the issue.

Last but certainly not least, swimming! On Wednesday, I heard that two of my fellow residents were going swimming at the institution pool that evening. Usually, about seven or eight residents go and it’s too overwhelming for me, but since there was another activity too, just these two guys were going. I took up the courage to ask my staff whether I could go too. It was amazing!

What made me sad?

I experienced a slight increase in bad memories over the past week. Mostly, they were manageable, which is why I’m not using the word “flashback” to describe them.

What made a difference?

There are several things that made a difference this week. First, the fact that one of my trusted staff returned from vacation this week. Most are still on holiday, so the next few weeks will be somewhat difficult still, but I managed this week.

Second, the weather, like I said, is very different and it made a difference, in that I could sleep under my weighted blanket without sweating excessively. This is important, because until now I thought something might be wrong with me. I guess not.

Third, the new agreement that staff will no longer unlock the door for me when I want to elope and will physically restrain me if necessary to keep me from for instance climbing over the fence. I saw the agreement on Tuesday and, though I still have some questions about it, I am for the most part relieved about it.

10 on the 10th (September 2024): This or That?

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m participating in 10 on the 10th. This month, it’s a fun this or that. Let’s get into it.

This or that: A long term meaningful relationship with someone you see only once a year (platonic or otherwise) or lots of short term relatively meaningless relationships with people you see regularly.
This is a toughie, as I’m not sure what “relationship” means. Do professional relationships count too? In other words, would I be completely on my own aside from the one time a year I’d see my significant other? That’s impossible for me. However, if it means not having any real connection with anyone else but they could still help me (yet how would we define “connection”?), I’d definitely choose the one meaningful relationship. I, after all, would choose my spouse even for a once-a-year visit over all the meaningless interactions with my staff. I however do need to receive care.

This or that: A bouquet of fresh flowers every week or a flowering bush every year.
A flowering bush every year! I don’t really care for bouquets of flowers and I’d love a flowering bush in my yard-space-thingy at the care home.

This or that: A luxury, all expenses paid cruise to the Antarctic or a week in a beach shack off the beaten path.
A cruise to the Antarctic. I’m not a fan of the cold, but no-one said we had to leave the ship. And I don’t care for beaches.

This or that: Pumpkin spice everything or pumpkin spice nothing.
Pumpkin spice nothing. The only thing with pumpkin spice in it I like a little is coffee, but it isn’t like I don’t enjoy coffee without it.

This or that: Warm, sunny days with high humidity or cold, sunny days with little humidity.
You’ll probably be surprised here, but I’d choose the cold but sunny days with low humidity. Having recently experienced warmer, high-humidity weather, I feel that as much as I loved the heat, I hated the humidity. Last night, in fact, was my first night of not sweating profusely and I am so glad for it.

This or that: A vintage real fur coat or a new faux fur coat.
New faux fur coat. Until I read Marsha’s answer, I didn’t even realize faux fur is bad for the environment, so I thought choosing the new faux fur coat would be a win-win: new coat plus less animal cruelty.

This or that: The car of your dreams wrapped with a logo of some kind or the car you currently drive.
I don’t drive a car, since I’m blind, so I’m going to choose for my spouse and we’re both happy with the “Freezer Fiat”, my nickname for the car my spouse currently drives. My spouse, in fact, only started the lease on it last January and this one is pretty much our ideal car. In this sense, I get it both ways. Although I personally wouldn’t mind a logo, I know my spouse wouldn’t tolerate it.

This or that: Beautiful stilettos crafted specifically for your feet or sneakers you’ve worn and molded to your feet.
I guess the point of this one is to choose between beauty and comfort and, if you’ve read about my shoe saga, you know I’d choose comfort. My orthopedic shoes are quite ugly but they’re comfortable. Same for my walking shoes, which I actually think are sneakers. Besides, I absolutely cannot walk on heels so stilettos would basically mean a life without walking.

This or that: The house of your dreams painted in colors you despise or a small cottage you can paint in colors you love.
I would personally choose the house of my dreams, but since that basically is a small cottage because I’d get lost in anything larger, I get it both ways again. I am blind, but still would love to have my little living space painted in all pastel lilacs and pinks.

This or that: Your favorite food every day for a year or foods you’ve never tried every day for a year.
My favorite food everyday for a year. I don’t like to try out new foods and would hate to have to try new foods each day for a year. Of course, it would get a little boring eating the exact same food everyday, but I’d take that over having to try out something I probably won’t like.

Share Your World (July 22, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I haven’t touched this blog in over a week, but thankfully have been doing okay. Today, I’m joining Share Your World. Here goes.

1. When you retire (or when you retired) do you have a picture of a small cottage with a white picket fence outside in a quiet village or something similar?
I honestly wasn’t fully sure at first what Di meant with this question. Do I have a picture? No. I have just one physical picture in my home and that one is of myself. Oh wait, she meant whether we envision ourselves living in a small cottage blah blah. Well, I for one don’t. I’m not technically retired, in that I’m not of retirement age and, since I never worked, I still consider that age (which by the time I reach it is probably mid-70s) the cut-off point for retirement. I don’t honestly envision myself ever living in a small cottage. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ll live in a care home forever.

2. What do you associate with school dinners (apart from school of course)?
I envision another post in the making, as I can talk up a storm about school lunches. We didn’t get a cooked meal at my schools. Well, I did a few times when I’d be having after-school activities. I remember one such meal, a dish called “hete bliksem” in Dutch, which is basically a stew of mashed potatoes, apples and bacon. I detested it!

3. Can you play a musical instrument?
No, not at all. I took lessons learning to play keyboards at the training center for the blind when I was 19, but really didn’t get beyond the absolute basics. I have forgotten all of it since. Like I’ve also probably shared before, I took a few guitar lessons when at summer camp in Russia in 2000, but it took me the whole first lesson to figure out what the instructor, who spoke only English and Russian, meant by the “strings”.

4. What made you smile today?
My being able to teach one of the student staff here about care profiles and him appreciating my “lesson”. Care profiles are the care packages and associated budget each client in long-term care is allocated. I really loved perseverating on a topic I know a lot about without it personally affecting me at that very moment (because the student staff isn’t the one making decisions about my care).

Another thing that made me smile today is being able to describe the above image, which Di used for the optional gratitude section, directly from the web through my screen reader. I think I somewhat agree with the sentiment expressed in the quote too. At least, in my case, life may not always get better, but I do get to experience good days at every age.