November 2023 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the end of November, so I am joining #WBOYC and reflecting on the past month. Can you believe we’re almost in 2024? Ten more years and everything will be okay, as I always say (or WWIII will be started, as the book I used for inspiration for that claim says). Anyway, let’s wrap up November.

It started with the meeting on how I’ve been adjusting to my current care home on November 6. This meeting went okay. At first, I was a bit disappointed in my assigned staff’s attitude. I honestly still am to an extent. However, I’m trying to believe the staff are doing their best to help me.

The new application for one-on-one support was sent out the following week. I only heard some superficial bits and pieces of what went onto it, so I’m still very much stressed out about the possible outcome. It doesn’t help that my now old day schedule was used as a reference to base my necessary hours upon, which I’m pretty sure the Care Office are going to be very critical of, as was I.

Thankfully, at least for another 31 days, I’ll now have my revised day schedule. It started on Monday and I’m thrilled about it. Please, all pray or send out positive vibes or whatever you do for the necessary one-on-one to be approved for next year too.

I also worked on my crisis signaling plan with my assigned staff. This led to a major surprise, and not a good one: it turned out my original support coordinator from the intensive support home had significantly changed my plan without my knowledge or consent. I knew right as my assigned staff read me what staff are supposed to do when I’m asleep (the first phase talked about in the plan) during the day, ie. let me sleep and wait for me to leave my room rather than check on me periodically. Since my former support coordinator hadn’t altered the date and names of the people writing the plan, it still looked as though my staff from the care home in Raalte had written it though. I however was adamant that this was not the plan I’d agreed upon.

My assigned staff initially tried to dissuade me from focusing on this and seemed to disbelieve me, until I went and fetched the manila folder I had with my old day schedule and, yep, my old plan from Raalte. He tried to tell me they looked similar, but this was only when referring to the signs of the different phases, not the staff’s expected actions.

Unfortunately, my old support coordinator no longer works for this care agency, or I’d have filed a complaint against her. Oh well, my current assigned staff erased the evidence by editing the name and date to his and November 2023 and saving the document, after we’d indeed worked some on it. I am honestly extremely mistrusting of everyone here now that I know of this. I mean, all staff say that this home isn’t the intensive support home, but how do I know it’s different?

In the creative department, I haven’t really been as active as I’d have liked, but I did okay. I crafted a gnome out of polymer clay and most recently a Santa, both without the use of a tutorial. I also wrote some creative pieces, which I intend to do more of in December and in the new year.

Health-wise, I wasn’t as good to myself as I could’ve been. I really snacked far too much. The thing is, I still didn’t gain any weight, and am currently at the lowest point I agreed upon with my dietitian, weighing 56kg. It wasn’t that I over-exercised either, as I didn’t meet my movement goal on my Apple Watch several times this past month (and my movement goal is only 300 active calories, so you know).

I finally did get my support coordinator’s attention re the possibility that I might be experiencing cognitive decline. She’s going to ask the behavior specialist for some screening instruments for self-help skills or whatever. Sadly, these haven’t been administered to me before, so this is going to be my baseline really.

Sunny Sunday (November 26, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m feeling all over the place. It’s been like this for most of the week. I’ve been struggling with lots of unfamiliar staff sent out to do my support and my day schedule being screwed up for various reasons. However, I’m going to focus on the positive. I’m joining in with Sunny Sunday. Like Leigha, I am going to focus on the things I’m grateful for, from the general to the specific. I am using Maslow’s hierarchy of needs as a guide.

1. Physiological needs: Food. Particularly, the fact that we had French fries yesterday (oh wait, that’s not a need). My relatively good physical health. A roof over my head.

2. Safety needs: my financial security. The fact that my staff did try to get me a familiar staff person for my one-on-one at least part of the time (although it was after I’d had an outburst).

3. Love and belonging needs: my spouse, who phoned me this evening despite having a headache. A visit from my mother-in-law on Tuesday.

4. Esteem needs: my new day schedule, which will take effet tomorrow, giving me more time to engage in activities I enjoy. Well, technically it’s not more time in total, but the day schedule is less cut up into small parts, so I’ll have a larger time slot in the afternoon for something like polymer clay.

5. Self-actualization needs: renewed motivation for actually doing something creative. It hasn’t yet formed into something concrete, but I’m working on that.

What are you happy about?

I Want to Create #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

I haven’t been very inspired to create lately. Last Monday, this topic was on my mind when discussing how I’m doing at my current care home. I sometimes try to blame lack of time or familiar staff to help me create as reasons for why I hardly work with polymer clay anymore. This is indeed a factor, but it’s not everything. I’m probably also experiencing a bit of a decline in my creativity and general cognitive state. Then again, if I don’t nurture this creative side of mine, I will only deteriorate further. And, although if I had all the mental and physical energy in the world, I’d really like to be able to be more independent in other areas, creativity is what I really want to work on.

Thankfully, my crafty spirit isn’t completely gone. In fact, I believe that I still can ignite this spark of creativity that is the recognition that I want to create, so that it will become a massive flame of artistic expression.

It wasn’t even for this reason that I decided to create a gnome out of polymer clay yesterday. It’s my spouse’s birthday tomorrow and I’d be visiting my in-laws in celebration of it today. My spouse has a birthday wishlist and had already guessed correctly the gift I’d selected off of it, so I wanted a handmade gift in addition. My spouse has a large collection of gnomes, so it’d be only logical that I’d create one out of polymer clay.

Polymer clay gnome

I actually was more creative than I normally am, as usually I follow a YouTube tutorial except with my unicorns. This time though, I created the gnome completely by imagining it. The only thing I don’t like about it, is the fact that I forgot to paint a white dot in its eyes to make them look a little more alive.

This post was written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday, for which the prompt this week is “create”.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (November 1, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s Wednesday once again, so I’m joining in with the Wednesday HodgePodge. Here we go.

1. Besides Thanksgiving (in the USA) what’s one thing you’re looking forward to in November?
Not sure really. November is the hardest month of the year for me. My spouse’s birthday is this month, but I won’t be going to our house in Lobith for the weekend. I’m pretty sure we’ll find a way to celebrate though and that’s what I’ll be looking forward to.

2. Do you like candles? Your favorite scent? How often do you burn a candle in your home?
No, I don’t. They’re not safe for me because of the flame. I used to love wax melts though. My favorite scents were sweet scents reminiscent of bakeries like those including vanilla, cinnamon and coconut.

3. What gadgets did you use today?
My laptop, iPhone and Apple Watch.

4. This question is a repeat from one asked in November of 2014, but I liked it so it’s coming round again. Many of you weren’t here in 2014. Okay, you can have fifty pounds of something (anything but money)…what will you choose? Also, since I mentioned it…what were you up to in November of 2014?
Fifty pounds of polymer clay LOL. Then I could make some giant unicorns. Seriously though, I have absolutely no idea what substance it would be useful to have fifty pounds of. Except maybe gold so that I could trade it in for money, but that’d be cheating.

As for where I was in November of 2014, I was in the psychiatric hospital in Wolfheze. If I remember correctly, the psychologist who ended up kicking me out of there in 2017 had just become my responsible clinician.

5. ‘Tis the season…what’s something you’re feeling especially grateful for today?
My mental health. It’s November and I’m struggling, but not nearly as badly as I was last year.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
As I shared yesterday that I hoped I wouldn’t have gained significantly at my weigh-in today, I owe you all the result: I lost 0.5kg.

October 2023 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the last day of the month and this means I’m reflecting on the past month’s happenings. As usual, I’m joining in with What’s Been On Your Calendar? (#WBOYC).

First, I’m finally going to share the polymer clay unicorn I crafted on September 30. Okay, that’s not technically the past month, but I didn’t fully finish it and take a picture till October 5.

My spouse joked that, judging by its colors – fuchsia, yellow and blue (the blue is called Peppermint, don’t ask me why) -, it’s typical of a specific music scene from the nineties. The staff who helped me craft this unicorn, is only slightly older than me, so she understood.

I haven’t really been crafting with clay much over the month of October. I did though help cook dinner twice. I also made a few smoothies.

I also did a good amount of walking, although I didn’t meet my movement goal every single day this month. I blame the rain, because the one day I didn’t meet the goal, it was raining almost constantly. Besides walking, I went swimming once.

My mother-in-law visited me three times this month and my spouse came by each week. My sister had originally wanted to come by this Sunday, but I prefer not to see her or my parents in the institution. Instead, my spouse and I are going to see them and my parents at Christmas.

Mental health-wise, the month has been quite good, truthfully. I mean, I’m still adjusting to my new care home and it’s October, which is a hard month for me each year. Taking this into consideration, however, I can’t complain. I am intensely grateful for the fact that most staff go out of their way to accommodate me. Initially, I was told by some that I’d be assigned the temp worker almost by default, which set me off because that was exactly what happened at my old care home and, given my attachment issues, I struggle with this. I spiraled into a bad crisis for this reason last week. Thankfully though, the staff now try their best to assign at least a somewhat familiar staff to me if they have to be a temp worker after all.

With respect to my physical health, I am happy to report I didn’t lose any more weight. In fact, I gained a few pounds. It wasn’t like I definitely couldn’t lose any more weight for my health, but I would’ve felt concerned had I lost more weight, given how much I ate over the past month. I am now within the weight range I agreed upon with my dietitian rather than slightly below it, so I’ve decided I can no longer afford as many treats as I used to consume. Yesterday, I convinced my assigned staff to add my food plan to the manila folder of important information that’s on my table in my room. After all, staff would often hand me a cookie (or two) without even thinking about it with each coffee break, despite the fact that my food plan has one only with my evening coffee break. I am due for weigh-in tomorrow morning again. Fingers crossed I won’t have gained significantly.

Hello Monday (October 30, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Oh my, I’ve once again been neglecting my blog. I honestly wouldn’t know why, since over the past few days I’ve felt pretty good. I guess I’ll blame the time of year or something. Anyway, today I’m sharing an update with you all for Hello Monday.

Saturday was a very busy day. It was mostly in a good way, but it still left me feeling overwhelmed. A staff made pancakes for lunch, which were absolutely delish. In the afternoon, I sat down with one of my staff to discuss some of the important life events I want all of my staff to know about. This was intense, as you can imagine.

In the evening, I helped another staff cook macaroni for all of the residents and staff. We started out by cooking the mince, then adding onions, garlic and peppers. We thankfully didn’t have to chop the other vegetables. I turned out to be right about the amount of macaroni we needed. Thankfully, the staff’s estimate had been higher, so we had leftovers rather than not having enough. Unfortunately, neither I nor the staff thought of freezing the leftovers, so I’m afraid they’ve gone to waste.

I had a difficult night with nightmares and interrupted sleep, but it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been several years ago.

On Sunday, my spouse visited me. We went to Starbucks a second time and, after another caramel frappuccino and a donut for me because the pumpkin spice lattes were sold out, I had to agree that my spouse had been right all along that Starbucks is a waste of our money. I mean, the donut was worse than supermarket ones and truthfully my iced coffee was worse than the one I’d had at McDonald’s several months ago, which had initially made me decide I don’t like iced coffees. However, the problem with that one wasn’t the iced coffee itself but the paper straw. This was an issue now too, of course, but the frappuccino definitely was quite bad.

We also went to Aldi to shop for groceries. I only bought crunchy muesli, since the other things I wanted I’d asked my staff to order from the delivery service.

Sunday evening, of course, it got dark at around 5:30PM already because of the end of daylight saving time. I stayed indoors and watched some TV. We’ll have general elections on November 22, so I watched a humorous political quiz-like program in preparation for it.

Last night, I slept better, thankfully. I went on several walks today. On one of them, I decided to take some fall-themed pictures. The one below was taken a short distance from my care home.

We also visited the petting zoo once again and I took a picture of the guinea pigs.

This evening, I spent my allocated activity time claying with my one-on-one staff for the moment. We both created a flower, though hers looks more like a starfish in shape and due to the colors we used, the center is hardly visible. I usually get some help with my crafting, but this time I loved being able to craft the flower pretty much independently while my staff worked on hers.

September 2023 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. September was a true rollercoaster of a month. Let me share. I am joining in with What’s Been On Your Calendar? (#WBOYC).

The month started with me being notified by my support coordinator for my now old home that I’d be moving to my current care home on the 18th of the month. The boxes arrived the next Friday and I started packing. I had a visit at my new care home on the 15th, which my mother-in-law also attended. The new staff seemed nice, but I did feel overloaded having coffee in the living room.

My move went about as chaotically as could be. For one thing, institution transport weren’t available that day, so my old support coordinator had to move most of my stuff, the rest to be moved the next day. For another, the staff here at my new home weren’t prepared with an extra staff member when I moved, so my old home’s staff had to help me get settled.

Handover also went rather frustratingly, so I was happy when my old home staff pulled away after a day. Only then began the trouble with my day schedule. I had been informed by my old home’s behavior specialist that the intention was to keep my day schedule mostly the same as at my old care home while I adjusted. This wasn’t to be. In the first week, at least three adjustments were made to my day schedule, all cutting my hours, and several more changes were not put on paper but were implemented in practice. The most frustrating changes took place in the early afternoon, including a 60-minute group activity time slot. I tried to make it work, but was often too easily overloaded, leading to extreme irritability throughout the day.

Thankfully, yesterday my assigned staff, after talking to the manager, informed me that I would be allowed a one-on-one activity time slot during the early afternoon for now anyway, during which I can do something creative. We’ll have to see how this all works out once my one-on-one has to be renewed in November.

Today, in an attempt to celebrate my time to spend doing crafty activities, I created my first polymer clay unicorn while at this home. I would’ve been able to finish it within said activity time slot had we not also been looking at recipes for baking and put my laundry in the washing machine. Thankfully, my one-on-one staff for this activity time slot was able to come back at a later time and finish the unicorn with me.

Overall, like I said, this month was a true rollercoaster with lots of ups and a few deep downs. Things are looking up now though.

Gratitude List (September 29, 2023) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. This week has been tough, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Let me share a gratitude list. As usual, I’m joining in with Ten Things of Thankful (#TToT).

1. I am grateful for warm and cozy pajamas. They’re probably a size too big and the sleeves and legs are too long, but they’re really snuggly.

2. I’m grateful for warm enough weather that I can still wear short-sleeved shirts during the day.

3. I am grateful for the care home’s side-by-side bike. Unlike my previous care home, the new one has its own side-by-side bike for all residents to use. At my previous care home, one fellow client had one and, though I could occasionally borrow it, that didn’t always feel right. Besides, she is significantly taller than me, so her bike was too large for me. So was the side-by-side bike we sometimes borrowed for my physical therapy. I am, for this reason, grateful my current care home’s side-by-side bike can be adjusted to fit my size.

4. I am grateful for speculoos (known as Biscoff in the United States if I’m correct). I have been enjoying this a lot lately. Which reminds me, I need to locate the recipe for Biscoff brownies I once saw on Reddit.

5. I am grateful for sleep. With the exception of last night, I slept quite well here at the new care home most nights.

6. I am grateful for a productive dietitian’s appt on Wednesday. I am sort of grateful for my weight. I say “sort of” because it’s within the healthy range but lower than my and my dietitian’s agreed-upon lower weight goal. Honestly, there are really just two voices competing in my head: one that says this weight is still healthy so scriew my goals and let’s lose more, and one that worries that something medical is going on because I am not restricting at all.

7. I am grateful my staff aren’t really pushing me to be in the living room more. I am also grateful that I can be there sometimes.

8. I am grateful my staff listen to my concerns about the cuts to my one-on-one support and are trying to make things work as best as they can.

9. I am grateful my old home’s behavior specialist also took my and my mother-in-law’s concerns seriously and is going to inform my current home’s behavior specialist.

10. Most of all, I am grateful for a new day schedule. This looks surprising in light of my previous two points, but hear me out. After both me and the staff raising our concerns, my one-on-one was for now raised back to the level it was at my previous care home. This does apparently mean the care home get less money than they spend on me. I for now dropped my wish to actually see the financial paperwork in detail and will stop moaning about how my previous care home cut my budget and blamed the home in Raalte, which after all is as much a theory as the home in Raalte having spent money they didn’t have. Anyway, with my one-on-one back to the old level, my new assigned staff designed an even slightly better day schedule for me than the one at my previous care home. I now will have a 75-minute activity time slot in the afternoon. This should be enough for a medium-level (for me) polymer clay project. Or for baking the aforementioned Biscoff brownies.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (September 23, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. I’ve long had my last cup of coffee for the day, as it’s 9PM. In fact, most people here at my new care home are in bed already. I guess I’ll have just water to offer you now, sorry. Let’s catch up anyway.

If we were having coffee, I’d start out by moaning about the weather. Fall has well and truly set in here. The temperature hardly got above 20°C at all this week and most days it didn’t get above like 17°C. Moreover, unlike the heating in my old care home apartment, which was set to an uncomfortably warm setting all year round, this room’s heating seems to be stuck on the cold side.

If we were having coffee, then I’d post another petting zoo picture. This one is of the birds once again. Did I mention that my new care home is like a two-minute walk from the petting zoo?

If we were having coffee, then I’d share that I’m adjusting better to living in this care home than I was to living in my previous one. Like I mentioned on Thursday, I started working with polymer clay, in fact. I haven’t put anything into the oven yet, as I first need to test the oven temperature before subjecting my precious projects to it. However, I’m happy to report I already finished two simple pieces: the planet charm I mentioned on Thursday and a flower.

In addition to working with polymer clay, I have created a shower gel (from just a base and essential oils) and made a bracelet. I did play card and dice games too. I didn’t walk as much as I used to at my old care home, but that’s okay.

I am still struggling with mornings and early afternoons, but I’m giving it a chance to work out. For example, yesterday I came up with the idea of watching children’s stories on YouTube when I have my group activity time. I normally watch those in English, which of course the other clients can’t make sense of, but I could definitely find Dutch children’s stories on YouTube too.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share that I bought another collection of journaling prompts that I’d really been looking forward to on Tuesday, only to find out that the actual prompts are probably handwritten or something inside the Kindle book and I can’t access them using my screen reader. This is a relatively common occurrence with Kindle books and I honestly feel that Amazon shouldn’t claim screen readers are supported in that case. Oh well, I have tons of other prompts to choose from.

Day Four

Posted on by Astrid

Today is day four in my new care home. On day four in the home I moved to last year, I was forcefully “helped” (more like dragged) to my room, left alone for most of the shift and expected to almost completely independently walk around the home because “the more independent you become, the less bothered you’ll feel by us [= staff]”.

By contrast, today, I made my first simple polymer clay creation, a planet charm. I tried my hand at polymer clay at the old care home for the first time after two weeks, but it was discontinued because it took too much time. Then I couldn’t work with polymer clay again until my day schedule was created in December. In other words, I did something today I couldn’t do at my old care home until significant improvements were made.

Should I compare my current experience to the improved experience at my old care home? No, I don’t think so. After all, I’m still adjusting here, something I never did there. Chances are things will improve here too as I learn to adapt or my staff adapt to me or both. I hope so.

Because, to be honest, it’s better than my early days at the old care home, but I’m still struggling significantly. For one thing, my one-on-one, despite what the behavior specialist responsible for my old care home had said, did get cut. It started today and this meant I had to spend a significant amount of the day either in the living room or alone in my room. I am giving it a serious chance of working out, but it’s really hard. Hopefully, I will be able to acknowledge when I turn out to be capable of handling more than I expected and the staff will be able to accommodate me should I not be able to.