A Productive Tuesday

Hi all, how are you doing? I didn’t write at all yesterday. That is, I wrote a lot in my new private journal. I finally got a subscription to the premium plan of Day One. Day One is an iPhone (and Mac) app for journaling. I discovered how to work it last April. Okay, I’ve had this app for years, but I didn’t know how to insert links, headings, etc. until then. However, even as I found out, I didn’t write a lot. I now do plan on writing in there everyday and have set a reminder to do so. I have three journals: one general one, one for chronicling my journey living as a multiple, and one for prompt-based journaling. I may copy some of those here, but the one I did today, isn’t really suited for this blog.

I also started reading fostering memoirs again. I bought Who Will Love Me Now? by Maggie Hartley. I’m loving it so far, although it’s a sad story.

I also got the littles a little picture book about emotions. I got that one off Bookshare. It’s called ABC of Feelings. I also still have a lot of free bedtime stories in my Apple Books and Kindle libraries.

This morning, I made yet another keychain. It’s for the friend at the other home that’s part of my facility I’ve mentioned before. She regularly gives me cards and, since she has a birthday in August, I thought I’d make her something.

This evening, I talked to a staff who doesn’t work here often. She told me she likes crocheting and I asked her to teach me. We did a little crocheting, but that didn’t really work for me. I then remembered I had a knitting loom too and we tried some loom knitting. I didn’t get far, but I got the first couple rounds done. She may bring a metal loom knitting needle tomorrow, as the one that came with the loom is made of plastic.

We also had a cooking activity this morning, but I didn’t participate in that. A staff made us noodles with chicken and veg. I loved it!

Oh, and I did go for three walks today. They weren’t very long walks, but it was good being outside.

Overall, the day has been relatively productive. I didn’t feel this way at first, because I didn’t feel inspired to blog. However, now that I got to write down all that I did, it’s quite a lot.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (July 26, 2020)

Hi all on this summerly late Sunday evening – or should I say early night, as it’s actually past my bedtime right now? I’m still wide awake though, so thought I’d join in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s too late for me to grab a coffee, but if you’d like one, I can make you one.

If we were having coffee, I would share that we were supposed to get heavy rain here today. We got some light rain in the morning and did get rain at night, but overall, it’s been a pretty rain-free day. I got to take an evening walk at 9PM. That suited the staff, as most other clients are in bed by then.

If we were having coffee, of course I’d share that I got approved for a higher care profile last Thursday. This means that the facility gets more money for me and they might be able to get some extra staff hours in. I found the letter detailing the decision in my government inbox on Friday. It was a bit hard to read how challenging my behavior really is. This care profile is called “living with very intensive support and very intensive care” and is the highest care profile for people with visual impairment.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you I made another keychain, this one for my husband. I like this one more than I do the one I did for my sister-in-law. My staff got the heart-shaped keyrings at a budget store.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that after Tuesday’s appt with my nurse practitioner, I’ve been feeling at the same time more out of sorts and more feisty than ever. I do know there’s a great risk that, if I get assessed for trauma-related symptoms, the assessor will deny I have them because I’m too open about my trauma. However, a lot of people in dissociative disorder groups have been validating my experience. Of course, I’ll need a diagnosis of at least (C-)PTSD to get treatment and the prejudices among professionals suck in this respect. However, I’m feeling more and more that I may’ve found a community I belong to and find that I can access support from them.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’m feeling similarly about my body and food. I mean, I at once feel very disorganized and disordered, and at the same time I’m trying to do something about it. Not that it’s any more than just trying at this point. I mean, I just noticed how my jeans fit a little better around my waistline, and that’s not a good thing, as they were rather loose. This upsets me, but it’s quite a challenge getting all of me to agree on how to change it.

If we were having coffee, lastly I would share that this week-end wasn’t quite the healthy food week-end. On Friday, we had French fries and snacks and ice cream for dessert. I also ate a whole bag of sweet liquorice between Thursday and Saturday. That though is a win, in that I’d normally have eaten it all in one sitting. I guess I’ll need to dialogue with myselves to get us on the same page re healthier living.

How have you been?

#WeekendCoffeeShare (July 19, 2020)

Hi everyone on this sunny Sunday evening. It isn’t hot or too sunny here, but the sun does shine and it’s warm. Around 22 degrees Celsius. I like it. Today, I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. Grab a cup of coffee, tea or your favorite soda. I think the staff also put some water in the fridge to be cool. Let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, I would share that the week started off rather rough. Like I wrote on Monday, I was feeling rather overwhelmed. Thankfully, as the week progressed, my mood and general wellbeing got a little better. I still experience some level of pain on a daily basis. Not 100% sure why, but at least right now it’s manageable.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you about the physical therapy appt I had on Wednesday. The physical therapist noticed I was pretty tense all over. She might give me some exercises and is going to massage my back next week. She also put tape on the inside of my knee, because I overextend it. I have known I do this for nearly 20 years, but thankfully it didn’t cause significant pain until recently.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you about all the beautiful jewelry-making supplies I received in the mail yesterday. I had ordered them from a children’s craft supplies store that I didn’t know before. When the things got shipped and yet I didn’t receive them the next day, I checked and it turned out they had to come from England or something. As such, it surprised me that they did get here on Saturday. The best part is a collection of 90 silver-colored charms. They are truly beautiful.

If we were having coffee, I would share that my husband took me to our home for a night yesterday. We got takeout pizza at my favorite pizza chain. I think my husband entered my E-mail address, because I got a lot of advertising in my inbox today. That’s no problem though.

If we were having coffee, lastly, I would tell you excitedly that I rediscovered at least part of my gemstone collection. I had been wanting to order new gemstones about a week ago and had been thinking or had dreamt that I’d left my collection at the student apartment when I moved out of there in 2010. Turns out my husband has two of the four boxes I had at our home. I guess the other two are either at my parents’ or indeed gone.

I loved telling my husband about all the gemstones in the collection. Sadly, I forgot to take pictures and didn’t take the collection with me to the care facility. I might select some stones to bring here.

How have you been?

Gratitude List (July 17, 2020) #TToT

It’s been a while since I last did a gratitude post. I’m feeling okay. Not good, not too bad either. However, gratitude will be helpful at any moment. As always, I’m joining in with Ten Things of Thankful (#TToT).

1. A good meeting with the cerebral palsy charity. We “met” online via Microsoft Teams last Saturday. It was nice to get to know some people in my area, as this was a provincial meeting. We’ll “meet” again online on September 5.

2. Paracetamol. I was in some pain over the week-end. Thankfully, some paracetamol did help.

3. Lorazepam. I took one last Saturday too, as I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and wanted to sleep well. I got an okay night’s sleep and haven’t needed to take more lorazepam since.

4. Jewelry-making. I didn’t do too much of it, but I did make a keychain for my sister-in-law today. For the rest of the week, I’ve just been looking at all the wonderful things I could do.

5. Physical therapy. This Wednesday, the facility’s physical therapist came by. We had asked her to after the meeting with the CP charity had made it clear that I have no reason to keep going on with pain if there are still options. The PT assessed me and concluded I have tension all over. She put tape around the inside of my right knee, because I overextend it otherwise. That’s helped some.

6. A weighted blanket. I had asked my staff a while ago to inquire about me getting a weighted blanket. The PT said she had one with balls in it on hand. I didn’t like that one, but we did set things in motion so that I can rent and maybe later buy a weighted blanket.

7. Blueberries and candy. I went to the local supermarket with a staff today to by candy, but also ended up buying blueberries. These are all eaten now. The candies aren’t yet.

8. My husband. I talked to him on the phone a few times this week. On Monday, I was quite upset because I feel I may be deteriorating. My husband reassured me that regardless, I am okay the way I am.

I can’t think of anything else and I realize some of these are really blessing-in-disguise type of gratefuls, but oh well.

What are you grateful for?

Tuesday, July 14

Hi all on this rainy Tuesday evening. Here in the Netherlands at least, the summer is hardly a summer to be honest. What a contrast with last year!

I’m feeling uninspired today, but I do want to write. I hope yesterday’s post didn’t just attract the engagement because I predicted it wouldn’t. Regardless, I think I like the ability to ramble.

I started jewelry-making back up again last week. It’s still pretty hard and frustrating. I mean, I have to gather the right supplies and I keep forgetting something. Last week, I ordered wire, but it was too thick for the thinnest needle and yet the beads wouldn’t fit over the slightly thicker needle. I as a result managed to make only one simple bracelet so far.

Today I ordered some additional supplies, but I forgot to order clasps. My husband asked me to make a bracelet or necklace for his sister, who had her birthday last week. Not that she wears a lot of jewelry, but he thought it might be a kind gesture. I ordered some heart with dog paws pendants, because she loves dogs. Here’s hoping I can make something decent-looking with the supplies I have at hand right now.

In other news, I got a haircut on Thursday. My hair is quite a bit shorter than it was before. I like its current length though. It’s kind of wavy now and feels a bit tougher when brushing through it with my fingers. Since that’s one of my main stims and I like the feel, I think I may keep my hair at this length. My husband has so far only seen the picture, as he didn’t visit last week-end. I will be going to our house this coming
Saturday though.

Today despite the rain I managed three walks. Not long walks, but long enough. I also did a short yoga practice. I just googled yoga for beginners and selected a YouTube video. I didn’t complete the full practice, but I managed to do some. My day activities staff helped me by explaining what the woman in the video was doing. I liked it.

I also listened to some women’s magazine on audio. It was a nice way of unwinding.

I didn’t rest as much as I had originally planned to, but still I feel okay. It’s now nearly 9PM and, though I’m physically tired, I’m not as overwhelmed as I was yesterday.

Hope you all are doing well.

We Ordered Some Beads

I’m feeling pretty uninspired to write today. I’m still feeling upset about last Friday’s meeting with the nurse practitioner. I mean, I don’t want to claim to have a dissociative disorder, even though on this blog I do sort of claim this. At least, we claim to be multiple. I’m not sure we fully are, but we’re definitely not fully singlet either.

We sent an E-mail to my assigned support worker explaining our issues with the nurse practitioner’s comments. She might forward it to my other staff and maybe the behavior specialist too. The behavior specialist replied to her E-mail from last Friday that I could ask my nurse practitioner why he thinks ACT is proper therapy for me and why he doesn’t want me to do EMDR. Some of us were pretty upset at her reply too.

Today we were upset at not being able to do much with respect to day activities. It rained all day, so we could only take one walk. Other than that, we sat in the living room or in my room. At the end of the day, our crafty part came up with some ideas. We might try making some bead jewelry. It doesn’t have to be professional-looking, but it could be cool.

So I ordered some beads at a store called Creadream. I originally intended on ordering glass beads, but ended up going with plastic ones. They were cheaper and the store had a larger variety of shapes. I got some round beads, some cubes, some rectangles and even some butterflies. Some of the purple ones were on a discounted price, so only like €0.66 for 25 grams (about 45 beads I think it said).

I also ordered some wire and elastic, including memory wire. This is a type of metallic wire that is shaped like a coil that fits around your arm. It can be used for making bracelets. I forgot to order pliers to cut and bend the wire with, but I or my day activities staff might be able to find some later. I also forgot to order a beading needle.

I think the littles will definitely enjoy working with all the different shapes and colors. Of course, we can’t see the colors, but we have some memory of what they look like. We ordered mostly purple ones, like I said, but also some pink, green and I can’t remember what else.

Now I constantly feel shame when I refer to the littles or write in first person plural or the like. I know I can’t fully be myself with mental health professionals, because they aren’t my friends, but why can’t I be myselves on here? My CPN knows the address to this blog and has occasionally read it, but yeah.

Where #SoCS

Where am I going? Where am I even right now? Yes, I am currently at home, writing this blog post. I go to day activities four days a week and spend the rest of the time at home or at my in-laws. I don’t blog nearly as much during the time I’m home as I’d want to.

I know I’m in the process of going into long-term care. It is an incredibly slow-moving process, so I can’t write much about it.

I have developed an interest in reading. I want to be blogging more about books. Not that I want to be a “book blogger”. I still want this blog to remain as eclectic as it has been so far.

But I want to do something with my life other than being in the process of going into long-term care. I don’t mean I want to work a real job or go back to university. Or maybe I do, but I know I can’t. Then at least reading should satisfy that need for doing something with my life.

Maybe I’ll someday pick up crafting again. Soap making or jewelry-making. I tried to make my own melt and pour soap at day activities again last Monday. It went okay. I needed a doable amount of help. Same probably with jewelry-making. At least with making the simple string necklaces I am used to making. They aren’t even bad. But they aren’t something I can blog about.

And as it seems, I’ve dedicated everything I do in life to the purpose of blogging about it. Well, not exactly. Of course I’m not going into long-term care to have a more interesting life to blog about. That seems like something my parents would think, since I did at one point feel like becoming a mother mostly for that purpose.

I can have a much more interesting life if I just live. And if I find joy in what I do. That way, I can help spread positivity. And I hope that by sharing where I’m going with a positive attitude, I can have an influence on the world, or at least the WordPress community. I don’t need to be an “influencer” – such an overused word – to be of influence. I just need to be me.

I am writing this post for Stream of Consciousness Saturday. The prompt this week is “Where”.