Why I Love My Hair

Posted on by Astrid

Two weeks ago, I shared my response to a prompt in Lisa Shea’s book on gratitude. I expressed gratitude for my health. Today, I saw another prompt in the same book. It asks the journaler to write down what they love about their body. I realized midway through writing this post, that I already covered this topic several years ago. The first thing I mentioned being grateful for then, is my hair. Today, I am sharing in more detail why I appreciate my hair.

I have long, dark hair. I of course already have some grey patches here and there, but that’s okay.

When I was a child, my mother used to hate my long hair, because it got messy pretty easily. She also felt that my habit of hair-twirling was annoying and that I’d hide behind my hair.

She at one point yelled at me that she didn’t care what I did with my hair – cut it off, get a perm or whatever -, but I couldn’t have it the way I had it then. I can’t remember whether I listened. At least I don’t anymore and love my hair the exact way it is now.

I occasionally wear my hair in a ponytail or braid, but usually like it just fine hanging over my shoulders. I do wear a hair clip to keep some hair from covering my eyes though.

I went to have a haircut a few weeks ago. Until then, my hair was so long it’d touch my breasts when hanging loose. Now it just about covers my shoulders. I like it this way, because I could still put my hair into a ponytail if I wanted to but it doesn’t hang in my food as easily as it used to.

I have slightly wavy hair. After my recent haircut, the waviness got more pronounced. I like that. My sister has totally straight hair. Most people I know like mine better.

It’s not even that I take great care of my hair. I wash it with regular shampoo three times a week, occasionally using anti-dandruff shampoo instead if needed. I don’t use conditioner. I at one point wanted to experiment with homemade hair masks, but haven’t gotten down to that yet. Even without extensive hair care, my hair is pretty easy to brush through. Of course, I get tangles when I’ve had an unquiet night, but usually it’s pretty neat.

Do you like your hair?

Things That Made Me Smile (March 22, 2021) #WeeklySmile

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all on this lovely Monday! I am so excited to have discovered the Weekly Smile. This is, as the name suggests, a weekly blog event in which participants share what made them smile. Having discovered this meme itself is a reason to smile. I love being positive! Let me share what else made me smile.

First up is my new assigned staff’s kindness. Like I said in my #WeekendCoffeeShare post on Friday, I have a new assigned staff. She is calm, kind and very dedicated to her job. I initially worried she might get too attached and then have to withdraw as my assigned staff. She reassured me though that she maintains her professionalism.

Yesterday, I was feeling a bit triggered. The student staff, with whom I am not fully comfortable yet, had been my one-on-one for the evening. In addition, a male staff may get to work in my home soon. He seems kind enough, but still, it’s an adjustment. All this led me to feeling a bit stressed out when I was going to bed. Thankfully, my new assigned staff comforted me.

After the staff had taken me to bed, I pressed the call button a few times for the staff to come back, but she didn’t mind. She has this little rhyme she tells me each time she puts me to bed. It goes something like this:
Sleep well,
Head on the pillow,
Ass in the straw,
Then Astrid sleeps soon.

This time, the staff adjusted the rhyme to address not just me, but all of the voices (alters) inside my head. That definitely made me smile.

Second is my sensory room experience that I was able to create in my own bedroom. First, I found a calming essential oil blend to put in my diffuser. Then, I found the album on Spotify that I used to have in the CD player in the day center’s sensory room. It is called Songbird Symphony. Lastly, I crawled under my weighted blanket and had my staff cover me with the ball-filled blanket that came with the sensory bed from our makeshift sensory room. In total, I had at least 20kg of weighted blankets on top of me. This probably isn’t healthy for actual sleeping, so I threw off the ball blanket before actually drifting off to sleep. However, the feeling before this was so peaceful. It reminded me of Temple Grandin’s “hug machine”. Reading about that introduced to me the comforting effect of deep pressure years before I felt able to explore my own sensory experiences. Now, I totally appreciate my care staff, physical therapist and the manager for having helped me find my sensory comfort.

What made you smile this past week?

Good Enough

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s optional prompt word for #LifeThisWeek is “Good”. Denyse takes on a cynical approach to the word, which reminds me of the many degrees of being called “good” I experienced.

In my elementary school years, my parents were in a constant fight with the schools for the blind I attended about my educational needs and my potential. According to the school, I was a good enough student. That’s the literal translation of the words that appeared on my report card often. Sometimes, when I was better than average, just “Good” appeared.
My parents thought I ought to get some more recognition. They thought I was excellent, sublime, a genius.

My schools thought I should be going to their secondary school program, which at the highest level catered to average students. My parents believed I could do far better.

I doubt, to be very honest, that my teachers truly didn’t see that academically, I was above-average. At least some of my teachers must have seen this. However, socially and emotionally, I was significantly behind. This was probably the real reason my schools recommended I continue in special education. My parents disagreed. They felt that I would be overprotected and underestimated in special ed. They might’ve been right. We’ll never know, since my parents took me from educational psychologist to educational psychologist until they had the recommendation for mainstream high level secondary education in their hands.

What I do know, is that I ended up being overestimated and underprotected. My parents would love to deny this and blame the staff in independence training for essentially setting me up for long-term care. Agree to disagree. Then again, we’ll never know, because I didn’t go into independent living and on to university right out of high school.

Sometimes, I wish I was just the average, good enough student that some of my teachers saw me as. Then at least I wouldn’t have to face the enormous challenge of both a high IQ and an emotional level comparable in many ways to an 18-month-old child. Then, I might not be writing blog posts in English, but I also might not need 24-hour care.

Then again, I enjoy writing blog posts. I like my care facility. Life is good enough for me.

Not Quite California Dreamin’ #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

SoCS Badge 2019-2020

When I was a teen, I dreamt of going to the United States in my third year of college. After all, I was going to be an English major, choosing American studies as my specialty. Then in my third year, I would be incredibly motivated and talented and would be allowed to go on an exchange student visa to the United States.

I had already picked my preferred cities to go to. Most were suburbs of Boston. First, it was Lynn. Then Somerville.

Then, at one point, I got obsessed with Columbia, Maryland, a suburb of Baltimore. Then, finally, Silver Spring, MD, a suburb of DC.

None of these were college towns as far as I know, but I always dreamt of going to college in the city and living in the suburbs eventually. Because, after all, with my incredible talent (ahum) and affirmative action, I calculated that I’d be allowed to stay for some professional career and never go back to the Netherlands again.

Now that I think of it, it’s interesting that I never dreamt about going to California for my studies. I would say that most people choose either the east or west coast. At least people from Europe most likely do, with the Midwest, South and Great Plains being far more conservative. I just envisioned living in New England or the DC area.

And just for the record, it all never came true. I never even majored in English at university. I still haven’t been to the United States, though I hope to visit there someday. Mostly to meet some people I know.

This post was written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (#SoCS), for which the prompt this week is “Cal-“. I could’ve written about calendar calculation, calories or Calibre (an eBook management tool). Instead, some of the other participants’ posts inspired me to write about my American dream.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (March 19, 2021)

Posted on by Astrid

I am once again early at least for me with my #WeekendCoffeeShare post. It’s right between my dinner and my evening coffee now, but I can make you a Senseo coffee if you want it. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’m still having a cold. It’s a lot better than it was last week, but I’m still sniffy. This morning, I had a bad cough, but that seems to be gone now.

I am so glad though that it’s not COVID. This afternoon, I was informed that another home within my care facility is in isolation due to a client having tested positive for COVID. This does worry me a bit, since that client must’ve contracted the virus after being fully vaccinated. The staff do try to reassure me though.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that, now that I’m feeling a lot better cold-wise, I picked up the walking habit again. I managed to reach my goal of 10K steps both yesterday and today.

I did fall on my knee today while walking. Thankfully, I just suffered a slight scrape to the skin.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that yesterday marked one year since the day center closed due to lockdown. A staff and one of my fellow clients made cheesecake to celebrate. Yummy!

A photo of me in front of the cheesecake

If we were having coffee, I would share about some changes to my care. First, I have a new assigned staff. She isn’t new to me or the home, just new to being my primary support worker. My former assigned staff is in college getting her nursing degree and was a bit too busy to have me in addition to two other clients to be assigned to. I really like my new assigned staff.

However, I was briefly triggered too. After all, my new assigned staff is really involved with my care and I worried she might get too attached and then have to step back. I thought this might’ve happened to my old assigned staff, but they both reassured me this isn’t the case.

Also, my one-on-one got extended with half an hour each day as of today. This might not seem much, but it prevents me having to deal with too many staff changes. After all, in the old situation, I’d have day activities till 4PM, then have to rely on the regular evening shift for half an hour before my one-on-one comes on. Now I’ll have that half an hour covered by one-on-one too. I’ll still have some time without one-on-one in the evenings and on week-ends in the afternoon, but that’s totally okay.

If we were having coffee, lastly I would share that my husband plans on visiting me briefly tomorrow. That is, if my cold isn’t too bad. We’re planning on going to a fast food chain drive-through.

How are you all doing?

An F in Phys Ed

Posted on by Astrid

One of Mama Kat’s writing prompts for this week is whether you played sports as a child and if so, to share a memorable game. I never played sports outside of school. That is, I attended one gymnastics class with my sister and a friend of hers at around age eight. I didn’t enjoy it one bit, despite normally liking gymnastics in physical education classes.

I was, to put it plainly, horrible at sports. Any sports. While gymnastics was my favorite part of physical education, it was more because I hated team sports and athletics even more.

At the school for the blind I attended for grades four to six, I was always picked last. Not just because of my lack of athletic capacity, but also because I was the only girl in my class. I don’t blame my classmates though.

When I attended mainstream high school, my phys ed teacher was also my tutor. He was great at accommodating me up to a point. For example, he let me run with a buddy. Of course, I was the slowest runner of the entire class. Looking back, I like to blame my mild cerebral palsy, but I still struggle to figure out what is due to that and what is simply due to my being fat. Not that I was fat at the time, but I wasn’t skinny either.

In my second year in this school, I hadn’t had any failing grades until sometime in February. My classmates complained that I got it easier than them, because for example I’d get extra time on tests. Whether this motivated my phys ed teacher or not, I’ll never know. We had to do gymnastics, a particular swing on the rings. I couldn’t really see what everyone else did, but I tried my best. And failed. My teacher explained to my father that I might’ve done the best I could, but he couldn’t possibly justify giving me a passing grade.

Like I said, he was my tutor. He almost took pride in being the first to give me a failing grade that year. Except that he wasn’t. That same week, I’d gotten an F in Greek too. That one was definitely justified, as at the time I didn’t face any barriers to learning basic Greek that my classmates didn’t.

From the next year on, I started going to a gym instead of following regular PE classes. I, after all, would never be able to attain the level of physical ability required for higher secondary school sports. I continued to attend the gym regularly throughout high school and for the first several years after.

Mama’s Losin’ It

Vaccinated!

Posted on by Astrid

Today, Fandango’s provocative question (#FPQ) is all about the COVID-19 vaccine. Fandango asks: have you gotten vaccinated for COVID-19 yet? If not, are you planning to? If you have, or are planning to, how do you think your life will change afterwards? If you’re not planning to get vaccinated, why not?

First, yes, I did get the COVID vaccine. I got the Pfizer one and got the first shot in early february and the second just shy of two weeks ago. I never doubted whether to get the vaccine or not. I, after all, have always been pro-vaccine and especially with the coronavirus. I mean, I’m not worried that I’ll get very sick with COVID, but I do worry for those I live with. I also think that, the more people get vaccinated, the more likely we are to return to some semblance of normal. I’m not naive though: I know COVID will likely never fully go away. My hope is though that we can control the worst effects of the pandemic.

As for how I think things will change now, not likely anything will within the near future. Our staff have all gotten the letter to ask them to make a vaccination appointment, but they’re due to get the AstraZeneca one. With that requiring eleven to twelve weeks between the first and second shot, they won’t likely be protected against COVID until sometime in May or June. That is, if the Netherlands starts using the AstraZeneca vaccine again. The government has currently suspended it for now because of “concerns”.

Well, let me be very clear: even if one in 100,000 people do get thrombosis after being vaccinated, and it’s actually the vaccine that’s to blame, I’d still have taken the risk had I been offered this vaccine rather than the Pfizer one.

That’s not to say there are no side effects. I had none from the Pfizer vaccine and even worried I hadn’t gotten the shot right. Many of my staff got some immune reactions like fevers or a sore arm due to the first AstraZeneca shot. Those are short-term though and, to most people I know, are outweighed by the long-term benefits of the vaccine.

Ultimately, I hope that, once my staff are all vaccinated, the day center will reopen. I think that’s the first positive thing that will come out of the vaccination campaign. Other than that, I’m not sure. I rarely attend concerts or other large events, so I won’t need my vaccine report for those.

Speaking of which, I’m not 100% decided on the topic of vaccination reports. In the voting guide for today’s election, I did say that I do think venues should be allowed to ask for a vaccine report before allowing people in. I do feel that, if you’re able to be vaccinated, it’s really a kind of moral obligation that you are, but there are also people who aren’t able to.

What do you think?

Truthful Tuesday: Birthdays

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all! It’s Tuesday and I’m feeling a little better still than I was yesterday. I’m still having a cold, but it’s mostly manageable now.

Today I’m participating in Truthful Tuesday. This week’s question is: as you have gotten older, do you still celebrate your birthday, or has it become just another day to you?

The presumption behind this question is that, as we get older and the effects of aging become less positive than they were when we were a child or teen, some people no longer appreciate their birthdays.

I find, and maybe this will change when I get even older, that the opposite is true. I will be 35 in June and have found that, with increased age, does come increased wisdom. I am probably not old enough yet to start feeling depressed about my life’s regrets. That doesn’t mean I don’t have many, but they don’t weigh me down that much as of yet. I hope that won’t come either, but I’m pretty sure it will.

In contrast, when I was a child, I feared growing up. My birthdays were fun because of the gifts I got, but that’s about it. I never felt that flash of excitement that some children and teens feel as they get older. No, not even (or especially not) when I turned twelve, sixteen or eighteen.

When I turned 30 in 2016, I did have some mixed feelings. I was excited to be allowed into the over-30s groups on Facebook but also felt that, at my age, I could no longer have emotional outbursts. I still did. That latter feeling subsided over time though as I realized a neurotypical ten-year-old wouldn’t have meltdowns like mine.

My birthday has always been an exciting yet stressful event. Now though, it’s more exciting than stressful usually. My parents don’t make a point of telling me to act grown-up anymore. For this reason, them visiting me for this occasion – usually the only time a year I see them in real life -, is mostly fun.

I do indeed still celebrate my birthday. Months in advance, my husband starts asking me what I want for my birthday. It’s also a bit of a tradition that he takes the week around my birthday off from work.

Most years, I spread out my birthday party over several days, as I don’t want to have the house full of visitors. Last year, the visiting restrictions due to COVID were lifted the day before my birthday. This meant that my parents could actually take me out for a ride in their car rather than having to sit in the care facility’s garden for the entirety of the visit.

My mother-in-law visited me the day before and brought me the giant bear soft toy. That’s another thing that makes birthdays fun: I love getting gifts. Of course, I can buy myself the things I really want too, but I actually like the fact that people give me something I wouldn’t buy myself.

Maybe, now that I’m inn my thirties and don’t have to act grown-up, as I’m on disability and in long-term care, I can finally feel the excitement of being a kid at heart.

#AtoZChallenge 2021 Announcement!

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all! Ever since 2010, the challenge of blogging from A to Z in April has been a thing. I didn’t find out about it until 2015 and then participated on my old blog with the topic of autism. I participated again successfully in 2016, this time with mental health as my theme. In 2017, I barely even started. I blame my chosen topic, which was autism again in the midst of my undergoing reassessment for it. In 2018 and 2019, I had no topic and both times didn’t finish the challenge either.

Last year, I didn’t officially have a theme, but unofficially it was self-care. I finally finished the challenge again, having decided on an only tangentially related topic for my letter X post well in advance. As one of my commenters said, you have to know your letter X word first.

Usually, the official master list for participants goes live sometime in January and there’s a designated theme reveal at the end of March for those who’ve chosen a topic. Not so this year. The theme reveal list went live last week, while the participants’ master list won’t go live until March 29. I’m not sure why this is. This did leave me with a kind of dilemma though, because I hadn’t decided on a theme and usually only decide on one at the last moment, even though I have topics running through my mind practically the entire year. Since the theme reveal sign-up will close on March 20, let’s consider this my theme reveal post.

Like I said, last year I had self-care as my unofficial topic. This year, I’m going to do a sort of similar theme. My theme is health and wellness. I intend on giving a lot of focus to aromatherapy and related topics, but to cover those letters that would otherwise be too hard, I’ll broaden my theme.

Let me say up front that I’m not an aromatherapist or alternative medicine practitioner. I am not even sure I believe in aromatherapy beyond its obvious effects of creating a nice smell. I am not a researcher or scientist and I don’t have the skills to review scientific literature, nor do I have the means to access it or the will to read it. I do find alternative medicine interesting though to learn about. That’s why I chose this as my topic. As such, please do take the health claims that aromatherapy or natural medicine make and which I may share about here, with a grain or several of salt.

Are you participating in the #AtoZChallenge this year? If you don’t know about it and are interested in signing up, check out its homepage.

Reading Wrap-Up (March 15, 2021) #IMWAYR

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I didn’t do a reading wrap-up last week, because I had very little bookish news. Today, I still don’t have a lot of exciting stuff to share, but I still wanted to write about what I’ve been reading. As usual, I’m linking up with It’s Monday! What Are You Reading? (#IMWAYR).

Life Update

I’m slowly recovering from my cold. Today, I feel a little better than I was over the weekend. Despite this, I’m still a little sniffy and very tired. I rested a lot this morning, but this afternoon and evening, I’m trying to be active. I did have to take a paracetamol about half an hour ago because I was having a headache.

What I’m Currently Reading

I won’t bore you with the endless list of books I added to my Apple Books library over the past two weeks. I’m pretty sure I added 20 to 30 new books that I got free thanks to BookBub.

One of these books though is Mail Order Soulmate by Jean Oram. It’s a contemporary romance about a former agent marrying a woman over the Internet. In the first chapter, the woman shows up at his doorstep with her baby. It all sounds a bit far-fetched to me, but I’m in the mood for cheesy stuff.

I’m also still reading After the Cure by Deirdre Gould, which I got free off Apple Books a few weeks ago. It’s a pretty plot-dense story with new information popping up practically on every page. That’s probably why I’m slow moving through it.

What I Recently Finished Reading

Nothing as of yet. When I started having the first symptoms of a cold Thursday night, I imagined that a weekend quarantining in my room would give me plenty of time to read. It didn’t, since the cold was too bad. Besides, I got the negative COVID test result already at around 1Pm Saturday. I did read some everyday of the weekend, but not nearly enough to finish anything. That’s frustrating, since I set my reading goal at 20 books for 2021 and have only finished three so far.

What I Think I’ll Be Reading Next

I honestly have no idea. I might want to read a middle grade or young adult novel for a change. After all, I used to read these a lot and now I hardly do anymore. Besides, maybe a shorter read will get me on track with my reading goal. Is that cheating? So what if it is?

What have you read recently?