Gratitude List (March 5, 2021) #TToT

It’s Friday again and I badly want to write. I’m feeling quite distressed by emotional flashbacks right now. To turn my mood around, I thought I’d do a gratitude list again. As usual, I’m joining in with Ten Things of Thankful (#TToT).

1. I am grateful to live in a care facility. I feel very insecure about my living arrangement right now, but my staff reassure me that I don’t have to leave. I am so extremely grateful for my staff’s patience with my anxiety!

2. I am grateful my staff make sure someone comes to sub when a staff is ill or has other obligations. Today, my day activities staff had to leave unexpectedly at around 1PM, but the staff made sure someone came to take her place. In the psychiatric hospital, we’d just be left with fewer staff if this happened.

3. I am grateful for chicken Siam. A fellow client and staff cooked that up for this evening and I totally love it! This client can’t have the cashews that normally go in, so there’s more left for me. 😉

4. I am grateful I got my second shot of the vaccine yesterday. I am also grateful that I didn’t experience any side effects. In fact, I hardly even felt the needle go in, so worried at first that they were doing something wrong. I try to trust that I got the vaccine correctly though.

5. I am grateful for God’s presence in my life. I have been extra involved with my Bible reading lately. I am grateful I finally figured out how to bookmark, highlight or copy verses in the YouVersion app and how to add notes or prayers.

6. I am grateful for all the lovely treats the staff who left our home last week, left for us. We had winegums, candy bars, ice cream and more.

7. I am grateful for no rain this week. It’s cold outside, but usually sunny. For this reason, I was able to get in over 10K steps each day of the week so far (not counting today, but I will later).

8. I am grateful I’m done with dentistry appts for at least another several months. My experience at the dentist’s was pretty bad last Tuesday, by no fault of the dentist. Let me just say I’m glad I’ve got it over with.

9. I am grateful I got to talk to my parents on the phone on Monday and that they are well. I had a nice chat. I will need to phone my sister later too. My parents were going to visit her and her family on Tuesday.

10. I am grateful for the ability to chat to other clients, including those from other homes within my care facility. I chatted some with a guy from the home next to us while we met outside of the day center a few days back. We used to go on walks together with the staff and also have coffee at each other’s homes, but due to COVID restrictions we no longer can. I am looking forward to being able to hang out more with him and other clients once the restrictions are lifted.

Wow, this turned out much better than I expected and it certainly did help.

What are you grateful for?

A Very Intense Tuesday

Wowah, it’s been quite the day! I awoke at 8AM from a nightmare. Thankfully it wasn’t about my current care facility. I got weighed in. Thankfully, despite all the treats the staff who left us left behind, I’d only gained 200 grams.

I then got dressed, got breakfast and then read some. When my day activities staff came, she said the hairdresser was here. Like I said last week, hair salons are allowed to open again, though I overheard a staff say this isn’t until tomorrow. Oh well. I don’t go to the hairdresser each time she visits the care facility, so wasn’t sure I’d go this time, especially at such short notice. I eventually decided to go anyway and she cut about 5cm off my hair.

Then I went for a walk. Once back home, I had to eat, because I’d have to leave for the dentist at noon. I wouldn’t have my appt till 1PM, but it’s about a 45-minute drive to the care agency’s main institution, where the dentist is.

The staff had only told me of my dentist’s appt yesterday, presumably so I wouldn’t worry. I didn’t really, but my anxiety went through the roof once the dentist was doing his job, despite my having taken a PRN Seroquel to calm my nerves. It wasn’t noticeable to the staff, as I practically froze.

I had to have two cavities filled. Both were underneath an existing filling. Despite the topical anesthetic, it did hurt a little. To be honest, one of the teeth still hurts. I also got some protecctive layer over one of my other teeth, which had receding gums and for this reason the root had become exposed. That thankfully didn’t hurt.

Once I was back at the care facility, I tried to rest, but couldn’t. The anesthetic was wearing off and it hurt pretty bad. I decided to do some reading. Then the orthopedic shoemaker visited. He had tried to widen my shoes, so that my AFO (ankle foot orthosis) and arch support both fit into it and I would still be able to get my foot into the shoe. It worked, so now I can start practising walking with my AFO in. In fact, I’m pretty sure I won’t have to practise, as the discomfort is already manageable.

Once the shoemaker was gone, it was time to have dinner. I then had a bit of a meltdown over dessert, or maybe because of the reason it was just a spoiled tantrum. I eventually calmed down though and was able to enjoy the rest of the evening.

I finally gave in and got myself a membership to the International Association for Journal Writing (IAJW). I was a member some years ago, but at the time rarely used the member benefits. Part of the reason is that I didn’t know how to work Zoom and the get-togethers are on there. I still don’t know how to use it, but I think I’ll learn quickly enough.

Now it’s past 8:30PM. I’m not tired yet, but maybe I should have an early night anyway. Tomorrow, my community psychiatric nurse will be here at 11AM. That should go okay. Overall, I’m doing pretty well.

Dentist’s Appointment

I shared last week that I was going to have a dentist’s appointment soon and was really nervous. I reluctantly agreed with the care facility physician that 1mg lorazepam the night before and 1mg about an hour before my 8:30AM appt should help me enough. It for sure must’ve helped some, but I was a little disappointed in how much of the edge it took off.

I had my appointment today. Went to bed at 8:30PM yesterday evening to hopefully get a good night’s sleep. I didn’t. I half-awoke at least eight times before finally waking up at 4:15AM and not getting back to sleep.

Still, I was calm’ish on the way to the dentist’s office. My dentist’s practice is at the main institution for my care agency in Wilp, which is a 45-minute drive from Raalte. I had fully expected to fall asleep in the car, but I didn’t.

I still didn’t really know what to expect, even though I’ve had a lot of cavities filled before. This was an old filling that needed replacing, so that should be easier. It wasn’t. I did get a topical anesthetic. That reminded me of why I hadn’t had it when I had seven cavities filled at age eighteen. The anesthetic is really, well, weird. I really expected the injection to hurt, but it didn’t. Instead, the feel of numbness and thickness was more annoying.

I was really anxious all throughout the procedure, but had no idea how to make it clear. I mean, my day activities staff was with me and she held my hand, but she apparently didn’t feel me pinching it. Then again, what could we have done anyway?

I had one filling replaced and a new cavity filled. It also turned out I have a pretty bad mouth ulcer near the tooth that needed the filling replaced. That will need to go away on its own. I will need to return in April to get some fillings on the other side replaced.

Now we’re twelve hours on and I do have some slight pain still, but it’s manageable.

I’m just trying to relax this evening. Had a pretty good day overall today. Having lunch with the anesthetic still wearing off, was kind of hard, so we chose to move the Tuesday morning cooking activity at day activities to the afternoon. The tortilla wraps were delicious!

Taking a Risk

Today I’m joining in with Five Minute Friday (FMF). The prompt this week is “Risk”.

Last month, like I shared in passing on this blog, I finally opened up to a behavior specialist at my care facility about my struggles. I was really putting myself out there. In my mind, I took a huge risk, because I felt that if I was open about what I really needed, I’d be kicked out of the care facility. I wasn’t.

Then two weeks ago, as I discussed my issues with my community psychiatric nurse (CPN), she started to suggest I live in an apartment building for autistic people. That didn’t sit well with me. I mean, I don’t care who my fellow clients are as long as I get the support I need and I won’t get that in an apartment building. I mean, of course I do somewhat care about my fellow clients, but not in the sense that I need to be able to get along well with them. They aren’t my friends, after all.

I still feel I’m taking an immense risk by opening up about my feelings. I did so again last week, when I asked the staff at my facility to ask the physician for a script for some tranquilizer. The reason is that I’m due to have an old filling repaired at the dentist’s next week. The area surrounding the tooth is already inflamed and I experience considerable pain from it, so I know it’s going to be hard going in and having it fixed, despite the option of getting a topical anesthetic.

So I put myself out there again and asked for something to calm my nerves. Initially, the doctor told me to take 0.5mg lorazepam. Well, that’s not going to work. So I felt off again, like I was being a drug seeker and a burden. I’m used to being seen as a burden, after all.

Being genuinely open about my feelings, my needs and even my wishes is a huge accomplishment for me. I’m totally used to being judged. After all, if people really see me, aren’t they going to discover how wicked I really am? Apparently not.

Attachment Issues and Other Ramblings

Hi people, how are you? I hope you’re doing better than I am, as I’m basically feeling pretty crappy. I tell myself I need to enjoy the good moments, good days even, here in the care facility. I believe that if I don’t feel happy here, then the staff could just as easily kick me out and make room for another person. I know paradise doesn’t exist, so can’t I just be happy with what I have?

That’s not the problem though. I’m not looking to leave this place or thinking I can have a better life elsewhere. I can’t. But still, I’m unhappy at times. Then again, isn’t everyone? And yet I beat myself up over it, which leads to more unhappiness, which leads me to beat myself up even more.

At the root of all this seems to be a deep-seated belief that there’s no place I’ll ever fit in, and if I do believe I fit in, the staff won’t agree and will kick me out. I feel as though I have to prove that this place is perfect for me – which it isn’t, of course. But it’s as close to perfect as can be and that’s enough for me. But is it for the people around me?

Last night I barely slept for two hours. At 5:30AM, I accidentally sent out a video call to my husband while trying to distract myself. He called back almost immediately, as he was at work already. He assured me that he doesn’t want to get rid of me and my staff don’t want to get rid of me either. I was happy enough with that that I could sleep.

This morning, a relatively new to me staff woke me up. She asked whether I’d manage getting started on my personal care. Normally, I get some help on Wednesdays, but I was too tired or confused or scared to ask her for help, so I just went about doing my morning routine. I was feeling pretty out of it, but I couldn’t explain.

The rest of the day was okay. I went to the dentist this afternoon for a check-up and because I’ve been having some pain. I have inflamed gums, but other than that my oral health is good. I was told I brush my teeth well, something I attribute to the electric toothbrush my husband gifted me for my birthday. Now I will need to use toothpicks too. One filling that I’ve had for like fifteen years needed replacement, but that will happen at my next appt.