A Very Intense Tuesday

Wowah, it’s been quite the day! I awoke at 8AM from a nightmare. Thankfully it wasn’t about my current care facility. I got weighed in. Thankfully, despite all the treats the staff who left us left behind, I’d only gained 200 grams.

I then got dressed, got breakfast and then read some. When my day activities staff came, she said the hairdresser was here. Like I said last week, hair salons are allowed to open again, though I overheard a staff say this isn’t until tomorrow. Oh well. I don’t go to the hairdresser each time she visits the care facility, so wasn’t sure I’d go this time, especially at such short notice. I eventually decided to go anyway and she cut about 5cm off my hair.

Then I went for a walk. Once back home, I had to eat, because I’d have to leave for the dentist at noon. I wouldn’t have my appt till 1PM, but it’s about a 45-minute drive to the care agency’s main institution, where the dentist is.

The staff had only told me of my dentist’s appt yesterday, presumably so I wouldn’t worry. I didn’t really, but my anxiety went through the roof once the dentist was doing his job, despite my having taken a PRN Seroquel to calm my nerves. It wasn’t noticeable to the staff, as I practically froze.

I had to have two cavities filled. Both were underneath an existing filling. Despite the topical anesthetic, it did hurt a little. To be honest, one of the teeth still hurts. I also got some protecctive layer over one of my other teeth, which had receding gums and for this reason the root had become exposed. That thankfully didn’t hurt.

Once I was back at the care facility, I tried to rest, but couldn’t. The anesthetic was wearing off and it hurt pretty bad. I decided to do some reading. Then the orthopedic shoemaker visited. He had tried to widen my shoes, so that my AFO (ankle foot orthosis) and arch support both fit into it and I would still be able to get my foot into the shoe. It worked, so now I can start practising walking with my AFO in. In fact, I’m pretty sure I won’t have to practise, as the discomfort is already manageable.

Once the shoemaker was gone, it was time to have dinner. I then had a bit of a meltdown over dessert, or maybe because of the reason it was just a spoiled tantrum. I eventually calmed down though and was able to enjoy the rest of the evening.

I finally gave in and got myself a membership to the International Association for Journal Writing (IAJW). I was a member some years ago, but at the time rarely used the member benefits. Part of the reason is that I didn’t know how to work Zoom and the get-togethers are on there. I still don’t know how to use it, but I think I’ll learn quickly enough.

Now it’s past 8:30PM. I’m not tired yet, but maybe I should have an early night anyway. Tomorrow, my community psychiatric nurse will be here at 11AM. That should go okay. Overall, I’m doing pretty well.

A Productive Wednesday Morning

I got up pretty early this morning at a little past seven o’clock. It wasn’t that I wanted to get up this early, but I just couldn’t go back to sleep. Having gotten up so early did cause me a bit of stress later on, as it’d mean I’d have to wait several hours before day activities started. Thankfully, I made it through.

At ten o’clock, my day activities staff came to my room. I had already had coffee with one of the morning staff, but was happy to have another cup.

Then we went for a walk. My knee still hurt, so I had to walk relatively slowly and got in only seven active heartrate zone minutes. I’m trying not to beat myself up about that.

On the way back to the facility, I asked my staff whether we could call a woman who lives in one of the other homes that afternoon. I used to hang out with this woman a lot when the day center still operated as before COVID. My staff suggested we check whether she was at the day center in her home’s assigned room or outside and she was. I had a socially distanced chat with her and her staff. It was good to see she was doing pretty well.

Then I returned to my home. I told my staff I wasn’t ready for resting yet and wanted to do something. She suggested we do some beading. I made the below keychain.

Purple, heart-shaped keychain

While we were working on the keychain, the physical therapist came by. She said that my knee pain is probably from my not wearing my shoes while indoors. My shoes have arch supports in them, which I do need when walking at all times apparently, not just outdoors. I struggle to wear my shoes when not going outside though, because I cannot tie or untie my laces independently and the shoes don’t feel comfortable when I’m sitting. The physical therapist made some suggestions, but I got majorly overwhelmed. She then went out of my room to discuss her suggestions with just my staff.

Then my staff and I went into the kitchen, where another staff was making hamburgers. I had two buns with a hamburger on them for lunch. I also had some bell pepper, tomatoes and cucumber slices, as well as a kiwifruit. It was delicious!

My lunch of hamburgers

Overall, I’m pretty pleased with how I coped this morning. I wasn’t expecting the morning to be this productive when I got up. This afternoon, I plan to relax a bit with my new essential oils in my diffuser. I’m really curious about the cardamom in particular.

Today Is Tuesday, February 23

Today is an okay’ish day. I don’t know what to write about, so I’ll just ramble.

I am struggling majorly with knee pain. I have been struggling with it for a few weeks already, but it wasn’t as noticeable before, as I wasn’t walking anyway due to the weather or mental fatigue. Now the weather is great and I’m definitely motivated to walk, but my knee won’t cooperate. My staff E-mailed the facility’s physical therapist to see if she can have a look later this week. I’m hoping there’s something that can be done about it.

I am also struggling majorly with anxiety. In particular, the fear that I’m deteriorating is on my mind. It isn’t entirely unfounded, as I do experience increasing irritability and sensory overload and decreasing energy. This makes me worry that, in five years or so, I’ll have suffered severe cognitive and physical decline. I know, it makes no sense to contemplate where this will go. All I can do, is do what my body and mind allow me to do each day. And I did go for two walks today, one in the morning and one in the evening.

In the afternoon, I made a massage oil. One of the staff had brought some travel-sized bottles that I could use for the oil. I used one of the 100ml bottles to put sweet almond oil into and then added essential oil. I used:


  • 6 drops clary sage

  • 3 drops lavender

  • 2 drops sweet orange


This makes for a dilution rate of roughly 1% for the total amount of EO. I am, after all, trying to be cautious. I made sure to use essential oils that I know to be relatively skin-safe. I tried the massage oil on my shoulders and neck this evening and it’s great.

I also ordered new essential oils. I had to order lavender EO, as I’d used the last bit of it in my massage oil. I also ordered grapefruit, cardamom and vetiver EOs.

Then I had a look at an online gemstone store. Boy, are crystals and gemstones expensive! I don’t know how I managed to collect so many as a preteen. Unfortunately, part of my collection disappeared in one of my moves. I’d really like to get some new ones sometime soon.

We’re In Pain

So we’ve had a mouth ulcer for some days now and as of today, it really hurts. Our staff called the GP, since we can’t go to the dentist now due to our facility’s COVID-19 restrictions and also since they already knew it was a mouth ulcer. The medical assistant couldn’t decide what to do right away so she talked to the doctor herself. Our staff called back some time later. At first, the doctor said to just take paracetamol, but our staff nagged a bit, so now we’ll get some lidocaine gel. This will probably arrive tomorrow.

We somehow misunderstood the doctor’s telling our staff to just give us paracetamol as her thinking we weren’t in significant pain or that we were overreacting. This caused some of us a lot of upset. Over dinner, we were feeling really overwhelmed by the pain and also other clients’ noise. We somehow couldn’t speak until after we’d had a full-on meltdown. Then we got to express our pain and our staff fetched us some paracetamol. That did help some. We’re still in pain, but it’s manageable.

We generally feel very triggered of late. We’re currently reading a foster care memoir by Maggie Hartley called Who Will Love Me Now?. It’s about Kirsty, a ten-year-old being rejected by her first foster carers after they took her in from a neglectful biological mother as a baby. Understandably, Kirsty feels that no-one loves her now and is acting out a lot to prove this point.

I feel a lot of the more disturbed younger parts can relate to this. Thankfully, our parents never abandoned us, but they did threaten to institutionalize us a lot. Age ten was around the time this started.

I also showed a lot of the behaviors Kirsty shows. I mean, I would also often tell my parents that they didn’t love me. Though I didn’t experience the early abandonment Kirsty did, I do most likely suffer with some attachment issues. I can only speculate as to why this might be.

As we’re now in a place where at least so far the staff are saying we can stay, I notice we act out a bit out of a need to “prove” our point. Which is what, really? That no-one wants us, I guess. I’m not 100% sure how to let go of this feeling.

I did journal a lot in my Day One journals over the past few days. It feels good to let out my thoughts. I’m trying to make this a daily habit and hope my blog won’t suffer because of it.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (July 19, 2020)

Hi everyone on this sunny Sunday evening. It isn’t hot or too sunny here, but the sun does shine and it’s warm. Around 22 degrees Celsius. I like it. Today, I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. Grab a cup of coffee, tea or your favorite soda. I think the staff also put some water in the fridge to be cool. Let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, I would share that the week started off rather rough. Like I wrote on Monday, I was feeling rather overwhelmed. Thankfully, as the week progressed, my mood and general wellbeing got a little better. I still experience some level of pain on a daily basis. Not 100% sure why, but at least right now it’s manageable.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you about the physical therapy appt I had on Wednesday. The physical therapist noticed I was pretty tense all over. She might give me some exercises and is going to massage my back next week. She also put tape on the inside of my knee, because I overextend it. I have known I do this for nearly 20 years, but thankfully it didn’t cause significant pain until recently.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you about all the beautiful jewelry-making supplies I received in the mail yesterday. I had ordered them from a children’s craft supplies store that I didn’t know before. When the things got shipped and yet I didn’t receive them the next day, I checked and it turned out they had to come from England or something. As such, it surprised me that they did get here on Saturday. The best part is a collection of 90 silver-colored charms. They are truly beautiful.

If we were having coffee, I would share that my husband took me to our home for a night yesterday. We got takeout pizza at my favorite pizza chain. I think my husband entered my E-mail address, because I got a lot of advertising in my inbox today. That’s no problem though.

If we were having coffee, lastly, I would tell you excitedly that I rediscovered at least part of my gemstone collection. I had been wanting to order new gemstones about a week ago and had been thinking or had dreamt that I’d left my collection at the student apartment when I moved out of there in 2010. Turns out my husband has two of the four boxes I had at our home. I guess the other two are either at my parents’ or indeed gone.

I loved telling my husband about all the gemstones in the collection. Sadly, I forgot to take pictures and didn’t take the collection with me to the care facility. I might select some stones to bring here.

How have you been?

Dentist’s Appointment

I shared last week that I was going to have a dentist’s appointment soon and was really nervous. I reluctantly agreed with the care facility physician that 1mg lorazepam the night before and 1mg about an hour before my 8:30AM appt should help me enough. It for sure must’ve helped some, but I was a little disappointed in how much of the edge it took off.

I had my appointment today. Went to bed at 8:30PM yesterday evening to hopefully get a good night’s sleep. I didn’t. I half-awoke at least eight times before finally waking up at 4:15AM and not getting back to sleep.

Still, I was calm’ish on the way to the dentist’s office. My dentist’s practice is at the main institution for my care agency in Wilp, which is a 45-minute drive from Raalte. I had fully expected to fall asleep in the car, but I didn’t.

I still didn’t really know what to expect, even though I’ve had a lot of cavities filled before. This was an old filling that needed replacing, so that should be easier. It wasn’t. I did get a topical anesthetic. That reminded me of why I hadn’t had it when I had seven cavities filled at age eighteen. The anesthetic is really, well, weird. I really expected the injection to hurt, but it didn’t. Instead, the feel of numbness and thickness was more annoying.

I was really anxious all throughout the procedure, but had no idea how to make it clear. I mean, my day activities staff was with me and she held my hand, but she apparently didn’t feel me pinching it. Then again, what could we have done anyway?

I had one filling replaced and a new cavity filled. It also turned out I have a pretty bad mouth ulcer near the tooth that needed the filling replaced. That will need to go away on its own. I will need to return in April to get some fillings on the other side replaced.

Now we’re twelve hours on and I do have some slight pain still, but it’s manageable.

I’m just trying to relax this evening. Had a pretty good day overall today. Having lunch with the anesthetic still wearing off, was kind of hard, so we chose to move the Tuesday morning cooking activity at day activities to the afternoon. The tortilla wraps were delicious!

Gratitude List (January 18, 2019) #TToT

This week is truly not the best one and that’s a huge understatement. I felt a little lost early in the week. I tried to exercise in order to make myself feel better. This was somewhat of a success. Then yesterday I fell and suffered a small fracture in my left collarbone. Nonetheless, I am going to attempt a short gratitude list. As always, I’m linking up with #TToT.

1. Swimming on Tuesday. It was the first time in six weeks that I went swimming again. I was a little panicked at first, but it went well eventually.

2. My mother-in-law. On Wednesday, my support coordinator had to cancel her visit to me at the last minute, but thankfully, my mother-in-law could pick me up. I had fun eating with my in-laws and my MIL’s niece, who temporarily lives with them.

3. My support staff. My support coordinator was kind enough to call me back as soon as she could to explain why she had to cancel our appt. She offered to come by two times next week.

Also, like I said, I fell yesterday. I was very dizzy from the pain at first. Nonetheless, I thought little of it. After an hour though, I was still in a lot of pain, so decided to call the doctor’s office. His assistant advised me to come see the doctor, but the GP surgery is in the next town, so I needed transportation. My mother-in-law couldn’t leave home and advised me to call a taxi. I didn’t know how to do that, so called my support worker, who jumped in the car and drove to me. She went to the doctor with me.

4. Painkillers. It turned out I had a small collarbone fracture. It wasn’t so bad that I needed a sling or whatever, but the doctor did give me strong painkillers. This was a little hard to figure out, since I take a lot of other medications with which pain meds might interact. I just took my third dose of the pain medicine about two hours ago, since I can only take it twice a day. I’m still in some pain, but it is bearable if I don’t put too much pressure on my arm. This does mean typing with my left hand for a long while, such as typing up this blog post, is a struggle.

5. Candy. I treated myself to candy today. I ate it all already. We also had French fries again. Now I am stuffed. However, it felt good indulging into some comfort food.

6. Reading. I was very much into reading some fiction again early this week. I usually read non-fiction, but enjoy young adult fiction at times. I had started reading the book I finished this week already a few months ago, but somehow moved through it quickly now. It is called And She Was by Jessica Verdi. I have made a start to a review, which I will publish soon.

What have you been grateful for?

Gratitude List (December 21, 2018)

It’s Friday again, yay! Last week I skipped my gratitude list post. Not because I didn’t have much to be thankful for, but because I wanted to write some other things and was feeling sick with a cold. Today, I’m taking my chance to do the post. I have a lot to be thankful for this past week. Here goes.

1. The wonderful Christmas box I got last week. I already wrote about it last week, but I want to mention it here too. I particularly love Snowflake, the stuffed unicorn. I also loved the fleece blanket I got in my package. I sat covered in it on Saturday when my cold was at its worst.

2. My cold being almost over. I am still a little sniffy, but with how bad my cold felt last Saturday, I”m truly grateful it’s much better.

3. My staff being well again. My support coordinator was off sick for a few weeks, but late last week, she returned to work. She first visited me on Wednesday. My nurse practitioner, who was off sick even longer, returned to work this week too. I had a good appoitnment with him.

4. A Christmas meal at day activities. On Tuesday, we had a delicious lunch. It was a little chaotic, but good too.

5. Horseback riding again. It was rainy yesterday, but thankfully we could still go on an outdoors ride.

6. Eating delicious tuna macaroni with my mother-in-law. She went horseback riding with me and after that, I ate at her house. It was just the two of us, so I could decide what we had.

7. The application for long-term care being mailed. It was sent out yesterday. It was a little hard reading the application, because my staff had to fill out how impaired I am in various areas on a 0-3 rating scale. I got quite a few 3s.

8. My husband being supportive. He showed his support of me even when I disclosed some rather embarrassing aspects of the long-term care application (ie. The fact that I am quite impaired in my personal care). He knows to some extent, of course, but still it’s a little awkward to admit.

9. All the Christmas decorations at day activities and some at home too. I didn’t use to like those. In fact, the first Christmas of my psychiatric institutionalization, I even pulled them all off the wall on my ward. Now I like a little Christmassy cheer.

10. The weighted blanket a staff made for my day activities group. She gave it to us a few weeks ago and I may’ve mentiooned it before, but then I mention it one more time. I love being in the sensory room and lying under it.

11. Painkillers. I had bad shoulder pain last Tuesday and still it’s not completely gone. I also had a headache today. However, ibuprofen and paracetamol worked well respectively.

12. Christmas songs. I can’t get some out of my head, but it’s lovely. This year is the first year I can appreciate Christmas.

This list was a bit random in its order, but I can’t seem to reorder the items on my phone and am too lazy to open my computer. I hope you enjoyed reading it anyway. I looked forward to linking up with #TToT, but saw it had come to a close for 2018 last week. The linky also is no longer open, but I hope some of those who visit me from #TToT regularly, will leave me a comment anyway.

What Is My Body Telling Me? #Write31Days

Welcome to day seven in #Write31Days. Man, I’m getting tired of this challenge, as it doesn’t look like any of my readers care for it. However, I try to remember what the challenge organizer said, that this isn’t about gaining followers. It is instead a writing challenge to get you writing every single day.

Today I picked yet another prompt from The Self-Exploration Journal. It is: “What is your body telling you?”

I find this a really hard question to answer. I don’t focus on my bodily sensations much, yet when I do, they tend to overwhelm me. I regularly have a meltdown because I simply need to use the toilet. Usually this happens when I am not in a position to find the bathroom independently and the need-to-use-the-toilet sensation has robbed me of my speech. I also commonly have meltdowns because of hunger, pain or being cold.

As I focus on my body, I notice how my mouth hurts from having burned it on a hot snack I just ate. I notice my nose is a little runny.

I have distressing pain in my neck and shoulder muscles. It’s not as bad as it was yesterday, but still bad enough to distract me as I type this post. Good thing that this post is focused on my body.

If I have to guess what my body is telling me with these sensations, it’s probably to take a step back. I was impatient with my snack, thinking I’d need time to write this blog post too so I’d better eat my snack fast.

I’m not sure what the neck and shoulder pain are from. My husband says it’s most likely stress, but is that from doing too much or giving in too easily?

I know about the spoon theory, which describes the limited energy levels of people with chronic conditions. My support worker, who works mostly with people with acquired brain injury, reminded me of it on Monday. This morning, I was quite tired from the mere acts of showering and getting dressed. Yet I still can’t shake that little voice that says that, before I had support, I did these things too and never complained.

So my body tells me to take a break. Now I need to decide whether to listen or overpower its noise with my own and go on.