Today I’m joining in with Five Minute Friday (FMF). The prompt this week is “Risk”.
Last month, like I shared in passing on this blog, I finally opened up to a behavior specialist at my care facility about my struggles. I was really putting myself out there. In my mind, I took a huge risk, because I felt that if I was open about what I really needed, I’d be kicked out of the care facility. I wasn’t.
Then two weeks ago, as I discussed my issues with my community psychiatric nurse (CPN), she started to suggest I live in an apartment building for autistic people. That didn’t sit well with me. I mean, I don’t care who my fellow clients are as long as I get the support I need and I won’t get that in an apartment building. I mean, of course I do somewhat care about my fellow clients, but not in the sense that I need to be able to get along well with them. They aren’t my friends, after all.
I still feel I’m taking an immense risk by opening up about my feelings. I did so again last week, when I asked the staff at my facility to ask the physician for a script for some tranquilizer. The reason is that I’m due to have an old filling repaired at the dentist’s next week. The area surrounding the tooth is already inflamed and I experience considerable pain from it, so I know it’s going to be hard going in and having it fixed, despite the option of getting a topical anesthetic.
So I put myself out there again and asked for something to calm my nerves. Initially, the doctor told me to take 0.5mg lorazepam. Well, that’s not going to work. So I felt off again, like I was being a drug seeker and a burden. I’m used to being seen as a burden, after all.
Being genuinely open about my feelings, my needs and even my wishes is a huge accomplishment for me. I’m totally used to being judged. After all, if people really see me, aren’t they going to discover how wicked I really am? Apparently not.
A Multitude of Musings 
It does take a lot of courage to open up to people about what you have going on inside. Good for you for taking that first step.
I question you calling yourself wicked. Do you sacrifice babies in some pagan ritual? Bop puppies upside the head for giggles? I highly doubt you are wicked or a burden, but I know those little judges inside our heads that tell lies about all the horrible things we ‘allegedly’ are.
Hang in there.
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Oh yeah, I get you on the “wicked” part. Then again, I have many experiences of being horribly judged and let down for being honest. It’s ridiculous though how that inner critic of mine generally does say I’m evil or wicked.
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My inner critic responds to my constantly putting me down and saying my disability check is my ‘nitwit pension’ and I am lazy. He’s a jerk and I live right down the street from him so there’s really no escape when someone drills it into you 7 days a week.
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I wish you well through the procedure. #11 FMF
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I know how such things can feel like a huge risk, they often do to me and I know the feeling like you’re wicked or attention-seeking because of your needs, so well done for taking this risk anyway and talking to people! It really is a huge achievement that you did it. I hope your dentist’s appointment goes well, fingers crossed.
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Thanks so very much for your kind words. I’m sorry you can relate to feeling like you’re bad, but it also helps me feel less alone.
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You should always ask for what you feel you need, if you don’t ask then you’re sure to not get it. Hope the tooth will be better soon.
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We think of them as burdens
because they’re not like us,
and so we close the curtains
and put them on a bus
for some lonely far-off place
from which they can’t return,
so that in our cleaned-up happy space
we can slowly burn.
For it’s sure that burning is our fate,
for we have, in logic cold, rejected
those who stood outside our gate,
those whom we should have protected.
And down the years, we’re doomed to pass
their faces in each looking-glass.
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