A Very Intense Tuesday

Posted on by Astrid

Wowah, it’s been quite the day! I awoke at 8AM from a nightmare. Thankfully it wasn’t about my current care facility. I got weighed in. Thankfully, despite all the treats the staff who left us left behind, I’d only gained 200 grams.

I then got dressed, got breakfast and then read some. When my day activities staff came, she said the hairdresser was here. Like I said last week, hair salons are allowed to open again, though I overheard a staff say this isn’t until tomorrow. Oh well. I don’t go to the hairdresser each time she visits the care facility, so wasn’t sure I’d go this time, especially at such short notice. I eventually decided to go anyway and she cut about 5cm off my hair.

Then I went for a walk. Once back home, I had to eat, because I’d have to leave for the dentist at noon. I wouldn’t have my appt till 1PM, but it’s about a 45-minute drive to the care agency’s main institution, where the dentist is.

The staff had only told me of my dentist’s appt yesterday, presumably so I wouldn’t worry. I didn’t really, but my anxiety went through the roof once the dentist was doing his job, despite my having taken a PRN Seroquel to calm my nerves. It wasn’t noticeable to the staff, as I practically froze.

I had to have two cavities filled. Both were underneath an existing filling. Despite the topical anesthetic, it did hurt a little. To be honest, one of the teeth still hurts. I also got some protecctive layer over one of my other teeth, which had receding gums and for this reason the root had become exposed. That thankfully didn’t hurt.

Once I was back at the care facility, I tried to rest, but couldn’t. The anesthetic was wearing off and it hurt pretty bad. I decided to do some reading. Then the orthopedic shoemaker visited. He had tried to widen my shoes, so that my AFO (ankle foot orthosis) and arch support both fit into it and I would still be able to get my foot into the shoe. It worked, so now I can start practising walking with my AFO in. In fact, I’m pretty sure I won’t have to practise, as the discomfort is already manageable.

Once the shoemaker was gone, it was time to have dinner. I then had a bit of a meltdown over dessert, or maybe because of the reason it was just a spoiled tantrum. I eventually calmed down though and was able to enjoy the rest of the evening.

I finally gave in and got myself a membership to the International Association for Journal Writing (IAJW). I was a member some years ago, but at the time rarely used the member benefits. Part of the reason is that I didn’t know how to work Zoom and the get-togethers are on there. I still don’t know how to use it, but I think I’ll learn quickly enough.

Now it’s past 8:30PM. I’m not tired yet, but maybe I should have an early night anyway. Tomorrow, my community psychiatric nurse will be here at 11AM. That should go okay. Overall, I’m doing pretty well.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (February 27, 2021)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all on this cold but sunny Saturday. I’ve been wanting to write a lot lately, but just couldn’t find the time. Today I’m summarizing what’s been going on in my life in a #WeekendCoffeeShare post. I’ve just had dinner. We had French fries and some might still be left over for you. Otherwise, there’ll be ice cream in the freezer. We should also have various soft drinks in the fridge and I can make you a coffee if you want it. Let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I spent the entire weekend reading. That’s why I didn’t write a post yesterday. I loved the book I was reading, Cathy Glass’ latest foster care memoir. I’ll post a review soon.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that the weather was incredible over the past week. We had temperatures of about 18 degrees Celsius on Wednesday. Today, like I said, is colder and the temperature even dropped to slightly below freezing last night.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that overall, I’m doing pretty well. Early in the week, I was struggling majorly with anxiety. That has mostly gone now and thankfully hasn’t, like some other times, made way for depression. I’m feeling pretty upbeat.

That being said, I’d also share that I’m a little sad, because one of my favorite staff is leaving for the care home next door to mine. Tomorrow will be her last shift in my home. This is the reason we had fries and ice cream for dinner today.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that my new essential oils, that I’d ordered on Tuesday, arrived on Thursday. I was very frustrated at first, because on Wednesday the delivery service reported that they’d tried but been unable to deliver my package that day. They didn’t state a reason and I wasn’t sure either, since there’s always someone home here now that the day center is closed. I checked my details and noticed my house number had been put in twice. I wasn’t sure they could’ve misread it and tried to deliver my package elsewhere.

Thankfully, on Thursday, while on my afternoon walk, my staff and I ran into the delivery guy and my staff asked him whether he had a package for my address. He did. The staff carried my package, which thankfully wasn’t heavy, all the way on our walk.

I am totally in love with my new oils. The vetiver one came in a bottle with a large pipette snout, so it doesn’t fit into my essential oil container. That’s alright, as now I didn’t have to remove my field mint EO from the container to make space. My other oils fit in perfectly and I love the smell of the new ones, cardamom and grapefruit.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that my husband is busy with the trailer for his car that he bought two weeks ago. He isn’t coming to see me this weekend. That’s okay. Of course, I miss him, but am so glad we have phone and text contact.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d moan about my Braille display. I don’t remember whether I shared about my old one going into repair. Which old one, you might ask, as my current one is the third in a row. The first had dots that were stuck at least half a dozen times in the first nine months and eventually got sent back to the manufacturer. Well, the replacement had the same problem after about six months of using it too. I waited some months before reporting it, but eventually got sick of it. It is currently in repair. Now the replacement’s replacement is starting to act up too. It sucks and I’m starting to think I do something to make them all break, but I don’t know what. The thing is, the Braille display I had before this model was fine for five years even though I’d spilled tea over it when it was only a few weeks old and had dropped it a few times. And just in case the Braille display company’s representatives read this and are assuming I’m treating this model the same, I’m not. I never drink or eat in front of my Braille display and haven’t dropped it either. Quite frankly, I’m tempted to ask the company to replace the dots on my old model, which have worn out a little from use, and have me use that one innstead of this model all made on a Monday morning when the manufacturers were still half asleep.

What’s been going on in your life?

A Productive Wednesday Morning

Posted on by Astrid

I got up pretty early this morning at a little past seven o’clock. It wasn’t that I wanted to get up this early, but I just couldn’t go back to sleep. Having gotten up so early did cause me a bit of stress later on, as it’d mean I’d have to wait several hours before day activities started. Thankfully, I made it through.

At ten o’clock, my day activities staff came to my room. I had already had coffee with one of the morning staff, but was happy to have another cup.

Then we went for a walk. My knee still hurt, so I had to walk relatively slowly and got in only seven active heartrate zone minutes. I’m trying not to beat myself up about that.

On the way back to the facility, I asked my staff whether we could call a woman who lives in one of the other homes that afternoon. I used to hang out with this woman a lot when the day center still operated as before COVID. My staff suggested we check whether she was at the day center in her home’s assigned room or outside and she was. I had a socially distanced chat with her and her staff. It was good to see she was doing pretty well.

Then I returned to my home. I told my staff I wasn’t ready for resting yet and wanted to do something. She suggested we do some beading. I made the below keychain.

Purple, heart-shaped keychain

While we were working on the keychain, the physical therapist came by. She said that my knee pain is probably from my not wearing my shoes while indoors. My shoes have arch supports in them, which I do need when walking at all times apparently, not just outdoors. I struggle to wear my shoes when not going outside though, because I cannot tie or untie my laces independently and the shoes don’t feel comfortable when I’m sitting. The physical therapist made some suggestions, but I got majorly overwhelmed. She then went out of my room to discuss her suggestions with just my staff.

Then my staff and I went into the kitchen, where another staff was making hamburgers. I had two buns with a hamburger on them for lunch. I also had some bell pepper, tomatoes and cucumber slices, as well as a kiwifruit. It was delicious!

My lunch of hamburgers

Overall, I’m pretty pleased with how I coped this morning. I wasn’t expecting the morning to be this productive when I got up. This afternoon, I plan to relax a bit with my new essential oils in my diffuser. I’m really curious about the cardamom in particular.

Today Is Tuesday, February 23

Posted on by Astrid

Today is an okay’ish day. I don’t know what to write about, so I’ll just ramble.

I am struggling majorly with knee pain. I have been struggling with it for a few weeks already, but it wasn’t as noticeable before, as I wasn’t walking anyway due to the weather or mental fatigue. Now the weather is great and I’m definitely motivated to walk, but my knee won’t cooperate. My staff E-mailed the facility’s physical therapist to see if she can have a look later this week. I’m hoping there’s something that can be done about it.

I am also struggling majorly with anxiety. In particular, the fear that I’m deteriorating is on my mind. It isn’t entirely unfounded, as I do experience increasing irritability and sensory overload and decreasing energy. This makes me worry that, in five years or so, I’ll have suffered severe cognitive and physical decline. I know, it makes no sense to contemplate where this will go. All I can do, is do what my body and mind allow me to do each day. And I did go for two walks today, one in the morning and one in the evening.

In the afternoon, I made a massage oil. One of the staff had brought some travel-sized bottles that I could use for the oil. I used one of the 100ml bottles to put sweet almond oil into and then added essential oil. I used:


  • 6 drops clary sage

  • 3 drops lavender

  • 2 drops sweet orange


This makes for a dilution rate of roughly 1% for the total amount of EO. I am, after all, trying to be cautious. I made sure to use essential oils that I know to be relatively skin-safe. I tried the massage oil on my shoulders and neck this evening and it’s great.

I also ordered new essential oils. I had to order lavender EO, as I’d used the last bit of it in my massage oil. I also ordered grapefruit, cardamom and vetiver EOs.

Then I had a look at an online gemstone store. Boy, are crystals and gemstones expensive! I don’t know how I managed to collect so many as a preteen. Unfortunately, part of my collection disappeared in one of my moves. I’d really like to get some new ones sometime soon.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (February 21, 2021)

Posted on by Astrid

Happy Sunday everyone! I’m rather late joining in with this week’s #WeekendCoffeeShare, but better late than never I’d say. In addition to coffee, today we have two types of soft drinks in the fridge, both partly lemon-flavored and neither of which I like. If you’d prefer cold water, I totally get you. Unfortunately, the water hasn’t been in the fridge that long yet, so it’s not super cold. I hope you enjoy whichever drink you choose anyway. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, firstly I’d ask about your weather. Is yours as crazy as ours? Last week, remember, we had snow and temperatures below freezing. Now, the weather is really spring-like, with the temperature having risen to 17°C here in Raalte and to 19°C in some places in the south of the country. Tomorrow we might get even warmer weather.

If we were having coffee, I’d share I went to Lobith for the week-end. My husband and I got Domino’s pizza yesterday. The one I got, curry kebab, was good, but not as great as I’d expected.

On the way back to Raalte, my husband had a radio station on playing summer hits to celebrate the warm weather. I now have the Venga Boys’ Boom, Boom, Boom stuck in my head and I actually don’t mind. I don’t think anyone who isn’t a child of the nineties can truly appreciate the beauty of this music. 🤣

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I still don’t feel back to my normal self. My magnesium, which I started last week for constipation, has been upped. I’m struggling to decide whether this was a good thing or not. Guess I’ll give it a few more days to see how I do.

I’m also still pretty fatigued and easily overloaded. On Thursday, I landed in a minor crisis due to it. Unfortunately, my community psychiatric nurse didn’t work that day and the substitute couldn’t help me much at all. He offered to ask my CPN to call back on Friday, but I think she may not have received the memo. By then though, I was feeling somewhat more functional.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that a fellow client and staff cooked spaghetti for us today. It was good.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share that I made a lip scrub with my one-on-one staff this evening. I used coconut oil, sugar and vanilla extract. Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out to be the consistency I liked. However, it did make my lips feel soft.

What’s been going on in your life?

#WeekendCoffeeShare (February 13, 2021)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi and welcome to another #WeekendCoffeeShare post. I just had my soft drink of Dubbelfrisss and some Pringles for today. However, I can make you a cup of Senseo coffee if you’d like. I can also make you tea. A staff brought me some green tea without additional flavoring earlier this week, which I’m so grateful for. I love this kind of tea! Anyway, let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that it’s still pretty white outside here. The below picture was taken on Thursday, but not much of the snow has gone yet. That should change tomorrow, as temps are supposed to rise above zero.

A picture of me in the snow

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I’m happy to report feeling much better than I was earlier in the week. Like I said yesterday, I had some worrying health symptoms on Monday and Tuesday that were probably attributable to constipation (and possibly some stress too). Like I mentioned, the doctor prescribed me magnesium tablets. I’m feeling much better now. Not yet completely normal, but almost so.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I got a wonderful stuffed bear from my husband as an early Valentine’s Day present today. I gave him an airdry clay heart I’d made.

My husband paid me a quick visit at the care facility on his way back from buying a trailer for his car. The trailer is truly huge for one that’s behind a regular VW car!

If we were having coffee, I’d share that my support coordinator told me that I thankfully no longer need to tell the staff several days in advance when my husband is going to pick me up. The reason they so far required this, is my one-on-one support. However, my coordinator and the manager agreed that it’s possible for them to schedule the staffing regardless. This is a huge relief, as especially with COVID and all, it’s hard to plan ahead.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that today, my one-on-one support staff took me to a farm with my care agency where we could see the horses, goats and rabbits. Unfortunately, they were eating, so they didn’t show me much attention. I didn’t take my phone with me, so no pictures. That will have to come next time.

If we were having coffee, lastly I would tell you I’ve done a lot of reading and book hoarding lately. I will have to do another reading wrap-up soon. Let me say for now that I’m totally inspired to read more SciFi. I totally love the escapism!

That being said, I’d also like to moan (probably for the third or fourth time) about the fact that Amazon doesn’t accept payment methods other than credit cards for their digital products. This is really annoying, as I don’t own a credit card. I really wish I could benefit from their Kindle deals, but apparently Amazon doesn’t want me buying anything there. Okay, I could still buy physical products, but what’s the point? We have Bol.com for that, and I want Kindle books! *Whines.* Okay, I can still get the free ones, but well.

What’s going on in your life?

#WeekendCoffeeShare (February 6, 2021)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone on this windy Saturday! Welcome to my contribution to the #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s past 8:30PM, so I’ve long had my last cup of coffee for the day. However, I still have cold water in the fridge, as well as several flavors of soft drinks. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that this week went by relatively smoothly. I did struggle a bit early in the week because I felt guilty that the one-on-one support I’ve been getting lately isn’t helping me as much as I’d like. The staff reassured me that things have just settled down and I shouldn’t expect an instant great improvement. Besides, in a way, I am doing better than I was.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I got some wonderful new essential oils. I got lavandin (which is like lavender but milder), lemongrass, ginger, clary sage and white fir. I am so happy about being able to make some new diffuser blends. I’d totally expected to sleep like a log because of the clary sage, but I didn’t. That’s okay though.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I also finally purchased a talking scale. That way, I can weigh myself each week at the same time rather than relying on when I remember to ask a staff to weigh me. The scale wasn’t too kind to me when I first stepped onto it.

If we were having coffee, I’d announce that I got my first shot of the COVID vaccine on Thursday. It hurt a little more than the flu shot had, but the pain was over within the hour.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that my husband didn’t visit me today. We already established on Thursday that I wouldn’t be going to Lobith this week, because of the heavy snow and wind that’s been forecasted for tonight. We’re supposed to get up to 30cm of snow with a possibility of snow dunes. I originally thought snow dunes were the ones that would be 30cm high, but my husband said they might be up to a meter or even two. I can’t really imagine we’ll get this much snow, but I know how quickly it can come down indeed. Looking back, my husband could’ve come by for a quick visit this afternoon.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share that I made banana bread with my one-on-one staff this evening. We used just eggs, bananas and oatmeal for the batter and then added nuts, cranberries, dates and raisins. The other staff didn’t like the nuts in it, but I loved it.

Banana Bread

What’s been going on in your life lately?

#WeekendCoffeeShare (January 23, 2021)

Posted on by Astrid

Happy Saturday all! I’m so thrilled you’re joining me for another edition of #WeekendCoffeeShare. I haven’t had that much coffee yet, as my afternoon coffee was too strong for my liking, so I took only a few sips. I’m hoping my evening coffee is better.

If we were having coffee, I would proudly announce that, despite my less than ideal step count for the week, I’m still ahead of my sister. Last Tuesday was a real low, as it rained all day and I didn’t feel very well, so didn’t go on the elliptical. As a result, I got in only about 2000 steps.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that the AFO (ankle foot orthosis) guy was here on Monday. He took a look at my drop foot and at my shoes. He’ll return soon with some AFOs to try.

I am certainly hoping the AFO will help. Yesterday, after I walked for about half an hour, my foot began to horribly drag and this caused me some discomfort. I can’t exactly say it hurt, but it did feel really off. I was angry with my body afterwards. My staff tried to put things into perspective by saying I shouldn’t ignore the fact that I have a physical disability. Thing is, I’m not 100% sure I do.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that the weather has been okay for the rest of the week. We had some rain, a lot of clouds, but at times a little sunshine too. It hasn’t been cold, with temps rising to about 10°C on Wednesday I think. Today is a bit more wintery though.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’m having a quiet week-end at the care facility. My husband was feeling a little poorly earlier in the week, so just to be on the safe side we decided not to meet.

I was originally planning on having pizza this evening, but decided against it eventually. I wanted to get it because one of the new pizzas at Domino’s is called Extreme Spicy Roulette and I wanted to try it before it went out of sale again. However, then I found out that the roulette bit is real, in that one slice is even spicier than the rest. I am not one for surprises, so no pizza for me today.

To make up for it though, kind of, this morning a staff took me for a walk in a nearby forest and McDonald’s afterwards. I must say the chicken nuggets were great!

If we were having coffee, I would share that my soaping supplies arrived yesterday. I haven’t used them yet though.

If we were having coffee, lastly I would share about IMMERSION Bible Studies, a series of Bible study books I discovered on Bookshare today. I immediately downloaded the one on Genesis, as I really need to apply the Bible, and particularly the Old Testament, more. I mean, I’m still reading Genesis as if it’s a collection of legends, not something that makes sense to my life. This book certainly helps me.

What’s been going on in your life?

#WeekendCoffeeShare (January 16, 2021)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all on this grey Saturday. Today I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. I just had my afternoon coffee about half an hour ago. If you want a Senseo though, I can make one for you. Let’s have coffee and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d ask you how your weather is. Ours is pretty cold, but the newspaper said it isn’t even really freezing. I guess I don’t really like winter if I consider this cold. Snow is forecasted for tonight, but I doubt it’ll even create a dusting of white. That’s fine by me as I don’t like snow.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I guess I shouldn’t have said on Thursday that I am glad to live in a stable democracy. After all, the Dutch government collapsed on Friday. It’s totally justified though and no, it’s not about COVID. It’s about parents pretty much randomly being labeled as fraudulent childcare payment recipients and made to repay sometimes tens of thousands of euros that they didn’t have.

If we were having coffee, I would share that my father had his birthday yesterday. He considered the government collapse to be a welcome present, as he doesn’t support the rather conservative parties making up the government.

I phoned my father yesterday and he told me he’d also gotten some type of signal converter, so that he can read the status of his heating on his computer. I sent him a Kate Rusby CD, but it isn’t due to arrive until like the 25th.

If we were having coffee, I would share that I have been quite creative lately. I made a bath bomb on Thursday. I might take it with me into the bathtub later this evening.

My one-on-one staff also helped me bake cookies yesterday. Well, she did most of the prep, as the dough was too sticky for me to handle. That was a bit frustrating. The cookies were delicious though.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that I had a long phone call with my husband yesterday. I am not going to go to our house this week-end, but I loved to hear his voice instead.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you that I’m hoping to get an AFO (ankle foot orthosis) for my left foot soon. The physical therapist already E-mailed the orthopedic equipment maker, but we haven’t heard back from him. Walking is still doable without the AFO, but when I go for long’ish (like twenty minute) walks, my foot drags. This is a little painful. It also causes my shoe to get damaged quite easily. In fact, even though the orthopedic shoemaker had already put some type of buffer thing on it, the shoe was almost beyond repair after three weeks. Anyway, I’m hoping the AFO gets here soon and will be helpful.

If not, my father mentioned that, back when I was little, the doctors had mentioned surgery to lengthen my calf muscle. That probably comes with its own risks though. Besides, as long as the pain and discomfort are manageable, I don’t think any doctor would want to operate on me just to save me buying a new pair of shoes every month.

What’s been going on in your life lately?

An Intense Monday

Posted on by Astrid

I’m not really sure what I want to write today. I started writing this blog post several times, only to delete it again halfway through. I intended on doing a food diary, then realized I wasn’t intending on sharing it here. (I did write a food log in Day One, my diary app, for today.) I then tried to do a more general health and wellness log, only to realize these don’t make sense if I don’t do them regularly. Then I started writing a post about today.

Today was, indeed, rather intense. Not really because of the food journal. I did okay on that one and it helped me make some healthy choices without becoming obsessive about it.

In the morning, a staff made a phone call to the assistive tech company. Yeah, my Braille display is once again broken, for the fifth or so time in eighteen months. I can still work around all the stuck dots, but I really want it repaired.

Then in the afternoon, I had an appt with my nurse practitioner. I can’t remember exactly what we talked about. I mean, yes, he shared about the bus metaphor. This is a metaphor in which a person is like a bus driver and all their thoughts etc. are passengers on the bus. I had already commented last time that my bus has multiple drivers, in that, if I hear a voice commanding me to do something, that voice (ie. alter) can take over the wheel too. Now I am hesitant to use words like “alter”, because I know my nurse practitioner doesn’t believe I have a dissociative disorder. This is my blog though so I can do with it what I want.

Today we somehow got talking about this metaphor in relation to emotions. Sometimes, you see, I get an emotion or urge or whatever and have no clue why. Honestly I can’t remember how this relates to the bus metaphor, but oh well. Oh yes, I told my nurse practitioner that Astrid is the bus with all its passengers and drivers. The body, then, is the bus.

Later, in the evening, we had an emotional reaction to a minor situation. After I calmed down, I talked it over with the staff who’d seen me have the reaction and it turned out I had no memory of it. I can now sort of see how I probably had that reaction, but I still can’t remember it as my own reaction.

This makes me feel kind of freaked out. I know that amnesia is part of dissociation, but didn’t we agree that I don’t have a dissociative disorder? Besides, whenever I do claim to have an undiagnosed dissociative disorder, it’s OSDD1B, which means having alters without significant amnesia.

I knew from previous experiences that I do experience what’s called emotional amnesia, where I can remember something but not the feels that go with it. The incident of amnesia that got my former psychologist, back in 2010, to suspect DID, was, in fact, emotional amnesia only. I know this because I claimed that I’d not remembered what went on in our session, but I clearly must’ve remembered something as otherwise I wouldn’t have known to tell her.

I know I don’t need a diagnosis right now. I can function okay’ish most of the time. Or can I? After all, when I’m functioning, I can’t remember that sometimes I am not and when I’m in severe distress, I can’t remember what it’s like to function normally. Or maybe I can, on some level. This is all so confusing.