#WeekendCoffeeShare (February 17, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare today. Like most times, I’ve already had my last cup of coffee for the day. I hope we still have apple and peach-flavored Dubbelfrisss, my favorite soft drink, though. We’re permitted a soft drink each evening as opposed to just on weekends as of this week, but I haven’t had it each day and I’m pretty sure I’m the only one who drinks this particular soft drink, so I’m optimistic there’s still some left. Anyway, let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first, I’d talk about the weather. It’s been a rainy but mild week. In fact, on Thursday (if I’m correct), the daytime temperature climbed to 15°C. Today was the best day of the week as far as it not raining goes, but we did get a few drops here and there.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I taught myself and subsequently my staff a new dice game called Centennial. It is a welcome distraction from the usual Yahtzee. I have also been playing Mexican, which is supposedly a drinking game but it can be fun without the beer too.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that, on Thursday, I finished the first pair of polymer clay earrings I can actually wear. The previous pairs of earrings I created had been hooks, which I can’t yet wear due to not having had my ears pierced long enough. I finally found an easy-to-follow YouTube tutorial on how to embed earring posts into polymer clay. Even though I could only do a small part of the work myself, I am quite satisfied with the result. And, of course, I did create the original earrings myself. These are a simple design of leaf green Fimo ovals with gold Fimo liquid around the edges for decorating. In the future, I really hope to create more earrings.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I rewrote my care plan together with my support coordinator. I’m still unsure as to what I think of it.

Particularly, I feel rather stressed out about the portion about my emotional functioning. I had an emotional developmental assessment done in 2018, which determined I function in most areas comparable to a child age 6-18 months. In some areas, it estimated my functioning to be much higher than I would estimate my own, such as in object permanence, while in others (such as handling unfamiliar material), it estimated me to function at a much lower level. I mentioned this to my support coordinator, who proposed the assessment be repeated. Since my one-on-one is largely based on my poor emotional functioning and the discrepancy between this and my IQ, this stresses me out. This especially since my assigned staff, who will likely be asked to complete the associated questionnaire, grossly overestimates my capabilities based on my verbal skills.

On a positive note, my previously assumed exact IQ score, which dates back to a test done in 1999, was finally removed. Yay, I am no longer 154. Instead, I am said to have an “above-average IQ”, which is more in line with a more recent IQ test (also a little dated, but at least not 25 years).

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you all that, next week, I’ll finally be taking my next step in tapering my antipsychotic, Abilify. I took two tiny steps back in 2022, but remained at my current dosage ever since August of 2022 due to never having stabilized in the intensive support home. Now I’m not sure it’s the right time either, but then again I doubt it’ll ever be the right time, in that I’ll probably never be fully stable. I will go from 25mg to 20mg a day. I will stay on this new dosage for at least six weeks, unless of course I’ll spiral out of control to the point of necessitating we return to the old dosage. Wish me luck!

The Wednesday Hodgepodge (January 10, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Sorry for not having touched the blog in a few days. I really mean to blog more this year, but have been struggling a bit lately again so no inspiration. Today it’s time for the Wednesday Hodgepodge though, so this post should come relatively easily. Here goes.

1. What’s a change you’d like or need to make this year?
I’d like to taper at least one of my medications.

2. Break the ice, on thin ice, ice skating, tip of the iceberg, ice cold…which icy idiom applies to your life right now? Explain.
Ice cold. It’s been freezing for a couple of days now. It’s a dry frost though, so no need for people to remove ice from their cars. In the early mornings, the temperature dropped to -7°C with a real feel of -15°C.

3. What’s a project you’ve been putting off? Will you get to it this month? This year?
Decorate my room. I’m not sure I’ll get to it this month, but definitely this year.

4. Of the fruits that grow well in winter which ones have you tried? Which is your favorite?

pomegranates, clementines, persimmons, passion fruit, pears, grapefruit, lemons, pomelos, kumquats
I have tried about half of this list: pomegranates, pears, grapefruits, clementines, lemons and that’s it I think. I don’t really care for any of them, but if I have to choose one, I’ll go for clementines.

5. What do you think it means to be courageous?
I don’t really know. I think it includes standing up for oneself and others in the face of persecution. Then again, it could also include standing up for what’s right, but what’s “right” depends on your viewpoint. Like, I’m pretty sure half the Hodgepodge’ers wouldn’t feel included in my “all-inclusive” society because their values do not align with my purpose of inclusion. In this sense, courage is really not unrelated to one’s political or religious affiliation and whether someone is a hero or an idiot depends on whether you agree with them or not.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
On Saturday, my spouse will be visiting me after picking up the new car we’re getting. I can’t wait to sit in our “freezer Fiat”, as we’ve been jokingly calling it. We call our current car the “heat-up Micra”, as it has no air conditioning and is black and our previous car had broken heating so was ice cold in winter. The “freezer Fiat” will, thankfully, come with air conditioning.

December 2023 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m early sharing my end-of-the-month reflections, because I’ll share a review of the entire year tomorrow or on Sunday and I just now felt inspired to write. As usual, I’m linking up with #WBOYC.

The month started out pretty good with my new, pretty much ideal day schedule having taken effect. I did worry slightly that it’d be taken away if I didn’t spend my every two-hour activity time slot in the afternoon actually working with polymer clay or doing some other long activity. Thankfully, so far, it’s not been changed.

Also early in the month, I started acting out a bit because I got assigned a temp worker due to a staffing rearrangement. I started constantly comparing myself to a client who doesn’t need to deal with temp workers. Finally though, I calmed down and asked my assigned staff to write in my signaling plan that staff focus on validating my feelings and needs rather than feeding my comparison trap.

In mid-December, I went on the lights tour (I called it “Christmas lights tour”, but it wasn’t actually specifically Christmassy) around town. I loved it but had to agree with the staff that going without my one-on-one wouldn’t have been an option.

Christmas itself was okay but overwhelming. My spouse and I spent Christmas day at my parents’, where my sister and her family were too. Dinner was a lot better than I expected. However, both my spouse and I were overwhelmed by my nieces and my spouse might’ve contracted whatever illness my sister was carrying (COVID, possibly).

We spent the afternoon after Christmas at my in-laws having a Christmassy lunch. I went for an hour-long walk with my mother-in-law that day.

Like I mentioned last week, the storm last week caused one of my institution staff to be hit by a falling tree. She unfortunately died. This was quite a scary experience to many people here, so I for one at least hardly went for walks all week. I finally found out how to check for weather warnings today, so was able to go on a walk (two, in fact) again. Thankfully, the areas with lots of trees now cannot be entered anyway.

I have been slightly more creative than I used to be over the past month. Stilll not as creative as I’d like to be, but I’m getting better. Projects included another polymer clay unicorn, a butterfly and a pineapple charm. Also a dolphin which hardly anyone sees as a dolphin. The worst insult it’s gotten is that it’s a mouse.

Polymer Clay Dolphin

In the health department, I did okay. I did gain 2kg over this past month, all within the last two weeks. However, I am still within the weight range I agreed upon with my dietitian and on the upper end of a healthy BMI. I did resolve to lose those 2kg eventually though, but it doesn’t have to be in two weeks.

I do have some pain in my lower abdomen. No UTI and a bladder scan was normal too. I guess that’s a positive thing.

Another positive thing, which I almost forgot to mention, is the fact that my one-on-one got renewed. Not just that, but the hours the agency had asked for, were granted. This means my care for now will definitely not be decreased, like I had feared. After all, until the renewal, the agency was paying for some hours itself and that couldn’t have lasted. Thankfully, the Care Office granted the full number of hours requested.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (December 23, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining in with the #WeekendCoffeeShare once again. As usual, I’ve had my last cup of coffee for the day. We didn’t have chips to go with my soft drink, as for some reason the person ordering our care home groceries had ordered far too little. We are also almost out of desserts and the next delivery of groceries won’t be till this coming Wednesday. It’s going to be a not so luxurious Christmas after all. Speak of first world problems. Let’s have a drink (thankfully I have lots of green tea, including coconut-flavored green tea) and a biscuit (I have cinnamon stars and stroopwafels in my cupboard) and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s usually uneventful here in the eastern Netherlands, but not so this week. Storm Pia actually hit us hard. In fact, on Thursday, the storm caused a tree to fall over on top of a side-by-side bike here on the cycling path that’s along institution grounds. The staff member steering the bike was hit so hard that she didn’t survive. The client had relatively minor injuries, but I’m pretty sure they’re traumatized for life. I don’t know the staff member myself, thankfully, but it was a warning sign not to go outside in the storm.

We’ve been experiencing heavy rain and wind all week except for Monday. Monday was actually a beautiful day. I went for a 5K walk with a staff member that day.

If we were having coffee, next I’d tell you about the stroopwafel cheesecake I made yesterday. I made it because my one-on-one got renewed, something I really hadn’t expected. The cake was extremely sweet and a calorie bomb as they say here but who cares? It was also delicious, after all.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I’ve really been feeling creatively motivated lately but have been struggling to put this motivation into action. As a result, I haven’t been doing much with my polymer clay lately. I’d really like to change that soon. I did order new clay, because I want to experiment with Cernit and also because some of my Fimo is too crumbly to condition without exerting enormous effort.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I did come up with the idea of using my two-hour activity time slot for cooking a simple meal for myself and my fellow clients. We could then reheat it in the oven or microwave when it’s dinnertime.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you my assigned staff asked me to think of goals for my upcoming care plan. He did say that these goals do not need to be all that drastic or anything and that simply having a meaningful life could be a goal in itself. I mean, my staff at the intensive support home have been pushing me to create independence-focused goals but I really don’t care for those given the discrepancy between the fact that technically my body still functions okay but due to overload tasks still cost me tons of energy. I mean what if staff and I set a goal for me to achieve a certain task and I physically achieve it in three months’ time, then staff will always expect me to do it independently because purely physically speaking I can. Then because it costs me tons of energy I’ll end up neglecting it if I don’t have supervision (ie. someone pushing me to do it) and we end up back at square one. And to be honest, I don’t want to have someone supervise my every task that I can do myself just so they can tell me to do it myself and push me far beyond my capacity limits in terms of energy.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you all that I’m looking to finally turn my room into an actual living space. I’m looking to buy some more furniture and also to possibly decorate it more. Currently, there’s a box full of junk in my room that I could really empty out. I mean, after I’ve finished my crisis signaling plan, because the folder from Raalte is in there. In its place, I’d like to put a second nightstand or small cabinet, so that I can put my claying supplies in there rather than in a box under my bed. I am also looking to put some poster on my wall, probably something not too weird. I mean, I originally wanted to go for a unicorn theme but that’d be all very flashy, which isn’t exactly my style.

Speaking of unicorns, I will be wearing a unicorn-themed Christmas hoodie this year, like last year. It’s a little on the big side now, but not too much so.

Hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

Sunny Sunday (December 17, 2023): A Good Day!

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I was writing another post, which I’ve since scheduled for tomorrow, but instead of sharing that decided to join in on Sunny Sunday. Today was a good day. Let me share what made today good.

First off, the weather. As I opened my phone this morning, I saw a weather report, which I didn’t read, but the headline said it was “ideal walking weather”. It was a little cold in the morning, but that’s only to be expected in December (I guess there’s a reason I was born in the summer, ha). However, later in the day, the sun peeked through the clouds and the daytime temperature rose to 10°C.

I decided to follow the headline’s advice and go for an hour-long walk. In the morning, I was supported by the most familiar to me staff member, which was awesome. I am so grateful she supported me rather than leaving me to be supported by the temp worker or very young and inexperienced new male staff.

In the afternoon, my spouse came by for a visit. I said that I was thinking of buying another case for my phone, since the one I’d gotten was too rigid. I am grateful to share my spouse showed me how to properly fold the back of the case.

In the evening, I had lots of fun crafting with clay. I created a butterfly pendant.

Overall, today was a pretty joy-filled day. It was also a productive day. After all, I had a shower in the morning and washed my hair, rearranged my Day One journals’ content, and have been spending the evening online reading and writing blog posts.

I of course could think of reasons why today wasn’t perfect, but no-one needs a perfect day. All we need is a little joy and sunshine in our life.

Poem: Light and Dark

Posted on by Astrid

Light
Feels good
Like the sun
On my skin
On a warm day in May

Dark
Feels bad
Like a rainstorm
Soaking me
In the midst of November

Light
And dark
Seem to contrast
Like one is always negative
And the other always positive

But without last November
May will never come
And so it is
With light
And dark

Feel all the feels
And remember
You’re alive
And so it is…

This poem was written for this week’s dVerse Poetics. The prompt was to use a piece of instrumental music as inspiration for a poem. I have a lot of playlists of instrumental music in my Spotify library, but choosing a piece was harder than I thought. I eventually went with a piece for which both the title and the music spoke to me. This seems to be intended for meditation and relaxation practices.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (November 18, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I have barely touched the blog lately, but it’s not because I’ve been uninspired. Rather, I’ve mostly been doing other things online. Before I abandon it altogether, I thought I’d write a post though. I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. I’ve had my last cup of coffee for the day, but thankfully my assigned staff ordered my favorite soft drink, apple and peach-flavored Dubbelfrisss, so I’ll have that in a bit. If you’d like one too, join me. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been raining all day today and, though we were supposed to have a daytime high of 12°C, I don’t know when that was supposed to have been the case as it’s been around 7°C each time I looked at the weather on my Apple Watch. I haven’t been outside at all. I mean, I can bear the cold, but rain, yuck! I can tolerate it when it starts raining midway through a walk, but when it rains as I leave the house, I usually turn right around. Consequently, I didn’t meet my movement goal on my Apple Watch today at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure I hit an all-time low, but frankly, I don’t care.

The rest of the week, though we had some rain, it wasn’t constantly pouring. Though some days I needed to get out my winter coat, most days the daytime temperature wasn’t too cold either.

If we were having coffee, I’d cheat a little and tell you all about the meeting I had last week with my assigned staff, support coordinator, behavior specialist and my mother-in-law. Okay, who said you can only talk about the past week during a weekend coffee share? Maybe I did. Anyway, the meeting started out with my assigned staff complimenting me on how I do accept men and unfamiliar staff now. This rubbed me the wrong way, as the day prior he’d pretty much given me no choice, so what was I to do? I’ll see tomorrow whether they’ll go the full length and assign me a male staff for my ADLs (which is a big no for me), as then the female staff who normally always assigns me temp workers is working the morning shift with a male temp worker. Said temp worker is familiar with everyone here, but I am honestly quite sure she’s going to assign him to me for my morning routine anyway. Let me just say I’m going to throw a big hissy fit if this happens.

Other than that, the meeting went okay. We talked about my day schedule, which is okay in terms of how many hours of support I get but far from ideal in terms of how it’s cut up into small blocks. Since my ExtraCare (one-on-one) funding hasn’t been approved yet for next year, we’re waiting to see what happens to that to change anything. I’m pretty fearful the Care Office doesn’t consider every single moment the staff spend with me as ExtraCare, as, well, it isn’t, but the manager does. Oh well, we’ll see.

We also talked about my wish to start therapy again for my trauma-related symptoms. Upon further thought, I realized I need to work on stabilizing first before I start EMDR or whatnot. The behavior specialist is going to write an application. I am also going to work with my assigned staff on my signaling plan, which details how I can best be supported during each phase of emotional (dys)regulation.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share about my dietitian’s appt on Wednesday. It went pretty well. I am currently at a healthy weight and within the weight range I agreed upon with her. She did finally admit she doesn’t know why I’m not gaining weight when I’m having quite a lot of food in excess of my food plan. I honestly currently have far too many other things on my mind to care about this too. I mean, yes, I’m scared, but I’m scared for a lot of other reasons too.

How have you been?

Walking and Making Smoothies

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I have been struggling a bit lately, but today was a good day. I went on three walks, one over an hour and 4.5km long. It rained for most of the day, but I’m not made of sugar, as they say in Dutch. I honestly have no idea where that saying comes from and what sugar has to do with not being water-resistant. I mean, there are many other substances that will melt or otherwise dissolve in water. As a side note, we only had a slight drizzle on some of our walks, so it wasn’t like I got soaked in the rain.

When the rain did come pouring down, I decided to make a smoothie. I had ordered some supplies online yesterday. Like I’ve explained before, my care home does have its own postal code but officially you need to address things to the main building, adding the home in an additional address line. Most stores though don’t allow for two address lines. So, in an attempt to bypass the need to have stuff sent to my in-laws and wait a week for my spouse to bring it here, I decided to say “screw it!” and address my order to the home with its own postal code. And guess what? It got delivered right to our doorstep. This is not how I should be handling things if I can avoid it, but it’s quite tempting, honestly. Waiting a week for my stuff rather than having it delivered within 24 hours of my placing my order, isn’t very appealing.

I had ordered carrot juice, mango nectar, agave syrup and hemp seeds. The hemp seeds are in a lot of smoothie recipes and I’d kind of impulsively ordered them to get to the minimum order amount. The person with whom I unpacked my package, didn’t ask anything about the hemp seeds, but the next staff did make a bit of a weirded out sound. I had looked it up online and found out that usually only the shells (which mine have been removed from) contain trace amounts of THC. Nonetheless, I decided not to add them to my first smoothie, which I was going to share with my fellow residents.

I did add carrot juice. I also added frozen mango chunks, which we’d ordered from the online grocery store that delivers to care homes. We added one banana and a pinch of cinnamon.

Honestly, the smoothie turned out a bit thin for my liking, but it was definitely delicious. My spouse later said that ginger and orange make for a better addition to carrot juice, which I think may be true. I’m going to try this with my remaining carrot juice.

Gratitude List (September 29, 2023) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. This week has been tough, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Let me share a gratitude list. As usual, I’m joining in with Ten Things of Thankful (#TToT).

1. I am grateful for warm and cozy pajamas. They’re probably a size too big and the sleeves and legs are too long, but they’re really snuggly.

2. I’m grateful for warm enough weather that I can still wear short-sleeved shirts during the day.

3. I am grateful for the care home’s side-by-side bike. Unlike my previous care home, the new one has its own side-by-side bike for all residents to use. At my previous care home, one fellow client had one and, though I could occasionally borrow it, that didn’t always feel right. Besides, she is significantly taller than me, so her bike was too large for me. So was the side-by-side bike we sometimes borrowed for my physical therapy. I am, for this reason, grateful my current care home’s side-by-side bike can be adjusted to fit my size.

4. I am grateful for speculoos (known as Biscoff in the United States if I’m correct). I have been enjoying this a lot lately. Which reminds me, I need to locate the recipe for Biscoff brownies I once saw on Reddit.

5. I am grateful for sleep. With the exception of last night, I slept quite well here at the new care home most nights.

6. I am grateful for a productive dietitian’s appt on Wednesday. I am sort of grateful for my weight. I say “sort of” because it’s within the healthy range but lower than my and my dietitian’s agreed-upon lower weight goal. Honestly, there are really just two voices competing in my head: one that says this weight is still healthy so scriew my goals and let’s lose more, and one that worries that something medical is going on because I am not restricting at all.

7. I am grateful my staff aren’t really pushing me to be in the living room more. I am also grateful that I can be there sometimes.

8. I am grateful my staff listen to my concerns about the cuts to my one-on-one support and are trying to make things work as best as they can.

9. I am grateful my old home’s behavior specialist also took my and my mother-in-law’s concerns seriously and is going to inform my current home’s behavior specialist.

10. Most of all, I am grateful for a new day schedule. This looks surprising in light of my previous two points, but hear me out. After both me and the staff raising our concerns, my one-on-one was for now raised back to the level it was at my previous care home. This does apparently mean the care home get less money than they spend on me. I for now dropped my wish to actually see the financial paperwork in detail and will stop moaning about how my previous care home cut my budget and blamed the home in Raalte, which after all is as much a theory as the home in Raalte having spent money they didn’t have. Anyway, with my one-on-one back to the old level, my new assigned staff designed an even slightly better day schedule for me than the one at my previous care home. I now will have a 75-minute activity time slot in the afternoon. This should be enough for a medium-level (for me) polymer clay project. Or for baking the aforementioned Biscoff brownies.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (September 23, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. I’ve long had my last cup of coffee for the day, as it’s 9PM. In fact, most people here at my new care home are in bed already. I guess I’ll have just water to offer you now, sorry. Let’s catch up anyway.

If we were having coffee, I’d start out by moaning about the weather. Fall has well and truly set in here. The temperature hardly got above 20°C at all this week and most days it didn’t get above like 17°C. Moreover, unlike the heating in my old care home apartment, which was set to an uncomfortably warm setting all year round, this room’s heating seems to be stuck on the cold side.

If we were having coffee, then I’d post another petting zoo picture. This one is of the birds once again. Did I mention that my new care home is like a two-minute walk from the petting zoo?

If we were having coffee, then I’d share that I’m adjusting better to living in this care home than I was to living in my previous one. Like I mentioned on Thursday, I started working with polymer clay, in fact. I haven’t put anything into the oven yet, as I first need to test the oven temperature before subjecting my precious projects to it. However, I’m happy to report I already finished two simple pieces: the planet charm I mentioned on Thursday and a flower.

In addition to working with polymer clay, I have created a shower gel (from just a base and essential oils) and made a bracelet. I did play card and dice games too. I didn’t walk as much as I used to at my old care home, but that’s okay.

I am still struggling with mornings and early afternoons, but I’m giving it a chance to work out. For example, yesterday I came up with the idea of watching children’s stories on YouTube when I have my group activity time. I normally watch those in English, which of course the other clients can’t make sense of, but I could definitely find Dutch children’s stories on YouTube too.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share that I bought another collection of journaling prompts that I’d really been looking forward to on Tuesday, only to find out that the actual prompts are probably handwritten or something inside the Kindle book and I can’t access them using my screen reader. This is a relatively common occurrence with Kindle books and I honestly feel that Amazon shouldn’t claim screen readers are supported in that case. Oh well, I have tons of other prompts to choose from.