The Wednesday HodgePodge (November 29, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s been four weeks since I last participated in the Wednesday HodgePodge, so I thought I’d join in again. For those who don’t know what it is, the Wednesday HodgePodge is an opportunity for bloggers to answer a diverse selection of questions. Here goes.

1. Does anybody really know what day it is? Last week we skipped the Hodgepodge and I just assumed this week would find us in December, but nope. Still November. Do you wear a watch? Use a paper calendar or strictly electronic? What’s your favorite hour of the day? Why?
Well, usually I know what day it is without looking it up, but I was confused yesterday too. I told my staff, when she was looking up who would be working today, to look at the 28th. Nope though, it’s the 29th already.

I do wear a watch, ie. my Apple Watch. I bought it primarily for its activity tracking purposes, but honestly now I find myself using it as a timekeeping device too. In fact, my assigned staff at my former home said I’d keep track of staff’s whereabouts by the second. That wasn’t true, but oh well.

My favorite hour of the day is probably 8PM, as that’s when I’m most energetic. I am currently writing this blog post around that time.

2. Tell us something about how you celebrated the Thanksgiving holiday.
I didn’t. It’s not a thing here in the Netherlands. I did want to benefit from Black Friday, which is a thing (of course, since companies benefit from it ultimately), but when ordering something online that day, had forgotten to check the store’s newsletter whether they had any coupon codes.

3. What’s a sound you hate to hear?
Where to even get started? The vacuum cleaner and lawn mower come to mind now as most common sounds I hate, but I am generally very sound sensitive. Oh wait, a particularly annoying sound is people whistling.

4. Where do you not mind waiting?
Uhm, nowhere. I’m not very patient and can’t handle long periods of nothingness.

5. I really wish____________________________________.
That my one-on-one gets approved real soon.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I’m having a nasty cold. Or maybe it’s COVID, since I didn’t get tested. I doubt it though, since I’m still at roughly the same fitness level I was last week. That is, my cardio fitness level according to my Apple Watch has decreased, but it isn’t like I can no longer go for 45-minute walks.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (November 18, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I have barely touched the blog lately, but it’s not because I’ve been uninspired. Rather, I’ve mostly been doing other things online. Before I abandon it altogether, I thought I’d write a post though. I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. I’ve had my last cup of coffee for the day, but thankfully my assigned staff ordered my favorite soft drink, apple and peach-flavored Dubbelfrisss, so I’ll have that in a bit. If you’d like one too, join me. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been raining all day today and, though we were supposed to have a daytime high of 12°C, I don’t know when that was supposed to have been the case as it’s been around 7°C each time I looked at the weather on my Apple Watch. I haven’t been outside at all. I mean, I can bear the cold, but rain, yuck! I can tolerate it when it starts raining midway through a walk, but when it rains as I leave the house, I usually turn right around. Consequently, I didn’t meet my movement goal on my Apple Watch today at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure I hit an all-time low, but frankly, I don’t care.

The rest of the week, though we had some rain, it wasn’t constantly pouring. Though some days I needed to get out my winter coat, most days the daytime temperature wasn’t too cold either.

If we were having coffee, I’d cheat a little and tell you all about the meeting I had last week with my assigned staff, support coordinator, behavior specialist and my mother-in-law. Okay, who said you can only talk about the past week during a weekend coffee share? Maybe I did. Anyway, the meeting started out with my assigned staff complimenting me on how I do accept men and unfamiliar staff now. This rubbed me the wrong way, as the day prior he’d pretty much given me no choice, so what was I to do? I’ll see tomorrow whether they’ll go the full length and assign me a male staff for my ADLs (which is a big no for me), as then the female staff who normally always assigns me temp workers is working the morning shift with a male temp worker. Said temp worker is familiar with everyone here, but I am honestly quite sure she’s going to assign him to me for my morning routine anyway. Let me just say I’m going to throw a big hissy fit if this happens.

Other than that, the meeting went okay. We talked about my day schedule, which is okay in terms of how many hours of support I get but far from ideal in terms of how it’s cut up into small blocks. Since my ExtraCare (one-on-one) funding hasn’t been approved yet for next year, we’re waiting to see what happens to that to change anything. I’m pretty fearful the Care Office doesn’t consider every single moment the staff spend with me as ExtraCare, as, well, it isn’t, but the manager does. Oh well, we’ll see.

We also talked about my wish to start therapy again for my trauma-related symptoms. Upon further thought, I realized I need to work on stabilizing first before I start EMDR or whatnot. The behavior specialist is going to write an application. I am also going to work with my assigned staff on my signaling plan, which details how I can best be supported during each phase of emotional (dys)regulation.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share about my dietitian’s appt on Wednesday. It went pretty well. I am currently at a healthy weight and within the weight range I agreed upon with her. She did finally admit she doesn’t know why I’m not gaining weight when I’m having quite a lot of food in excess of my food plan. I honestly currently have far too many other things on my mind to care about this too. I mean, yes, I’m scared, but I’m scared for a lot of other reasons too.

How have you been?

#WeekendCoffeeShare (September 2, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone on this first Saturday of September. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare, even though it’s waaay too late for me to have coffee. That is, I don’t usually feel the energizing effects that strongly, but I am sure the staff won’t let me have a cup of coffee anymore. Or anything to drink except for water, truthfully. So let’s have a glass of water and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee (or a glass of water, but I always start my paragraphs like this and even my saying that is a cliché), first I’d share about the weather. We’ve had rain, clouds, some sunshine and daytime temperatures usually around 20°C. Today, the daytime high was 23°C and next week, we might even get temperatures as high as 28°C.

If we were having coffee, next I’d tell you about my movement. I haven’t been exercising as much this past week as I did last week and today I saw in my trends in the fitness app that my exercise has decreased. Of course it has, you’d say, if I haven’t been exercising as much this week as last week, but the trends compare the past 90 days to the past 365 days. I try not to care, even though I did sign up for a month-long challenge in the Challenges app for September.

Yesterday, when on a walk with my assigned staff, we compared data, since she also has an Apple Watch. I’m glad my cardio fitness level wasn’t much lower than hers. I mean, I would’ve felt bad for her if both of ours were low, but mine is in the below-average range.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that, on Thursday, my assigned staff and I went out to have lunch together. She’s off on vacation for the rest of September and I’ll (most likely) move this month, so we won’t see each other again. We both had a large salad, mine one with chicken, of course. We both also had a heavenly caramel coffee.

Today, I decided to gift my assigned staff the blue polymer clay unicorn with Hotfix rhinestones on it. I remember creating my very first unicorn here at the institution with her. I originally hadn’t intended on giving my polymer clay creations away, like I had done when moving out of the care home in Raalte, but then again if I take them with me to the new care home they will probably break during transport. I’ve seen a little too many staff come and go here to have a piece for everyone, but I have something for the ones I see most often.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I’ve been collecting books of journaling prompts once again. Amazon.nl now allows customers to pay for Kindle books with their bank account, for which I’m extremely grateful. Until last Monday, you could only pay for digital products with a credit card, which I don’t have, so I only downloaded free Kindle books. Now you still need a credit card for other digital products, but eBooks are an exception. And, of course, the first book I bought was a collection of journaling prompts. I also bought a collection of essential oil diffuser recipes. Each book cost under €3. I do need to make sure I won’t spend my money compulsively, as a search for “journaling prompts” in the Kindle store returns over 3,000 books. Then again, a lot are free at one point. For this reason, I acquired three new books of journaling prompts over the past few days, only one of which I paid for.

Lastly, if we were having coffee, I’d ask you all to cheer on my oldest niece as she starts school on Monday. She will be four on the 10th. I need to pop into the toy store tomorrow to buy her a present, as ordering something online won’t get it here on time for me to send it on to her.

How have you been?

The Wednesday HodgePodge (August 23, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining the Wednesday HodgePodge once again. Here goes.

1. What’s your earliest memory?
My third birthday. My paternal grandma brought me a doll from Berlin and my father taught my sister and me the German word for “doll” (“Puppe”). My sister and I, of course, laughed really hard about this, as “Puppe” sounds just like the Dutch verb for “poo”. The doll, by the way, is named Roza, because my father also said Rosa (but then again, as a child I had no clue how to spell it) is a German name.

2. What’s something about you today that the old you would find surprising?
The fact that I live in an institution. Until I was about 25, living in an institution was my worst nightmare.

3. Do you like to fish? Are you a fish eater? Favorite fish (to eat)? Favorite way to prepare fish?
I’ve only been fishing once and found it intensely boring. Then again, I can’t see so that takes away what little fun I imagine there is to fishing.

I do like fish, but usually just the once with the not-too-distinct flavor. The only exception is tuna, which I love and would probably be my favorite fish to eat. When my sister turned vegetarian and showed my parents info about the unethical consequences of tuna eating, they for a while refused to buy it. I got really upset.

4. What’s your biggest first world problem?
I’m not sure whether my unsuitable care home counts as a first world problem. I guess it does, since most disabled people in developing countries don’t have a choice where they live at all. Neither do I at this point, in the sense that I know next to nothing about my future care home and am told that since I’m moving anyway it’d be pointless to give me more info. I have a post scheduled for tomorrow on this topic. In any case, I’m still fortunate in many ways I guess.

5. What one word would you use to describe your year thus far?
Chaos.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I almost broke my record of active calories burned on my Apple Watch today. Honestly, I think relatively speaking I already broke it, since my last record dates from September of last year and I weighed 12kg more than I do now, so burned off more calories with the same physical exertion. I still need 20 exercise minutes to break my exercise record (which I set on the same day), but I won’t do that. Those 15 active calories I still need to burn for my movement record should be doable though. Today, unlike the time I set my old record, I did a variety of workouts: walking, swimming, the stationary bike and dancing.

Life Always Offers Me a Second Chance

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I haven’t touched the blog in a few days once again. It’s getting old. I often do want to write, but don’t know what about except how shitty things are here at the care home and how I still haven’t got a moving date. Endless venting about the care home isn’t going to please my readers though, so I usually end up trashing those posts. After all, even though I originally intended this blog to be for me to write from the heart, I do care about my readership.

I do still read blogs, albeit not as much as I used to. Today, I came across an inspirational one-liner by Tanya: life always offers you a second chance. It is called tomorrow.

This definitely speaks to me. Of course, it isn’t always true, in that eventually we’ll all die and not have a second chance. However, until that point comes around, we can always create a better rest of our life. It doesn’t even have to be tomorrow, if that just leads to procrastination. It can also be a minute from now.

I employ this logic when it comes to my disordered eating and other unhealthy coping mechanisms. I see each day – or if needed, each moment – as its own opportunity for growth. For this reason, I don’t count the days I’m free from self-harm, in the sense that I’ll have to “start over” when I’ve had a slip up. I don’t do “cheat days” either. Not that I’m on a diet, but even when I did follow a stricter food plan than I currently do, I didn’t consider a day ruined when I had binged. Interestingly, I did at one point struggle with letting go of my 300-odd day streak of reaching my movement goal on my Apple Watch. However, I am happy to report it doesn’t start over when it comes to calculating when I’ve reached 365 days of completing my movement goal (I think it’s going to be this Thursday or Friday).

In a sense, the idea that life will always give me a second chance tomorrow, might be an excuse to laze around. However, that’s not the point. The point of this idea probably is that there’s no use in dwelling on my past mistakes, because as long as I live, there’s time to set them straight.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (July 29, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I last joined in with #WeekendCoffeeShare, so I thought I’d write a post for it. I just had my evening coffee, as is usual when I sit down to write these posts. I may still grab a cup of green tea later though, since, like I mentioned yesterday, I started using the Water Reminder app again. If you’d like a drink, cold or hot, join me and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, I’d first share about the weather. It hasn’t been summerlike, honestly. Rather rainy and the daytime temperatures barely got above 20°C. It isn’t supposed to get any better soon.

If we were having coffee, then I’d repeat myself by shouting off the rooftops for all of the Coffee Share crowd to hear that YAY, I AM MOVING!!! Of course, as those who read my post from Monday will know, I hardly know any details about my new care home and a moving date hasn’t been set. However, the bits of information I do gather, make me feel like this could be quite positive. I mean, it’s not likely my dream home or anything, but then again that was supposed to be this one, only that dream turned into a nightmare.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’ve been spending more time among my fellow residents lately. It’s not really my choice, truthfully. In part, it’s because I look for familiar faces in the communal room when I get assigned the umpteenth new temp worker. Then when I do get a familiar staff, they often ask me to join the group too. This morning, my one-on-one for the moment sincerely claimed another resident had asked me to come play a game of dice, but I’m not 100% sure it’s true with all the times the staff are initiating it. For those who don’t know, me being in the communal room, unless I’m indeed playing a game with the aforementioned fellow resident, usually means me sitting around doing nothing while the staff chat among themselves or scroll on their phones, thereby my not doing any meaningful activity. Besides, I usually get overwhelmed very easily, but the staff expect me to be able to tell them rather than them picking up on my signs. Today, I was extremely overloaded for over an hour after spending not even twenty minutes in the living room. With the fact that I’m moving, I’m not sure whether the staff want me to practice functioning in the group more so that they can lessen my one-on-one, as that wouldn’t benefit them at all. However, I don’t see any other reason for them to initiate me being in the group so often.

If we were having coffee, then I would tell you I closed all my rings on my Apple Watch every single day this week so far. That’s quite an accomplishment lately, as in late June, I broke my 300-odd day streak of meeting my movement goal and I once again didn’t meet it last week. I honestly have been rather unmotivated in the exercise department recently. This week though, I logged more workouts – mostly walking – than last week.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share that I’ve generally been really uninspired over the past couple of weeks. I did make some simple smoothies with my new blender earlier this week, but other than that, I hardly did anything creative. I can only hope I can change this sooner rather than later.

June 2023 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the end of the first half of 2023. Wow, can you imagine? I’m joining What’s Been On Your Calendar? (#WBOYC). Here goes.

Honestly, I can’t remember much of the first few weeks of June, other than the fact that I was extremely motivated to get moving. I had signed up for two Apple Watch challenges. Suffice it to say that motivation quickly diminished and I finally broke my 300-odd day streak of reaching my movement goal yesterday. That is, I broke it last Saturday too but cheated by lowering my movement goal for that day.

In other respects, the month has been meh too. I only wrote twelve blog posts, including this one, and hardly have been crafting. I mostly spent my days playing dice and the odd card game. I think I might be depressed, but more likely it’s the shitty circumstances of living in my current care home.

However, I’m pretty sure my staff think I’m doing well, as I’ve been in the communal room more. The reason is mostly to connect to somewhat familiar people, because I’ve mostly been assigned completely new temp workers. When I try to communicate my discomfort with this, I’m usually met with rather curt remarks that the staff have no obligation to explain their decisions to me and then, when I spiral further into meltdown, I’m met with harsher and harsher actions from the staff.

The month of June is, of course, also my birthday month. I had my sister and her family over in Lobith last Saturday, which was okay, though a bit stressful. I spent Tuesday, which was my actual birthday, in Apeldoorn with my parents and spouse. I really loved the Thai food we ate.

In the health department, I have been doing okay. My cardio fitness level has been declining again, unfortunately and is now just barely in the below-average range. I gained a little weight too, but truthfully my weigh-in on May 31 showed the lowest weight I’d been in forever, so I’m not worried about that. After all, I’m still at a healthy BMI.

How was your June?

The Wednesday HodgePodge (June 7, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining the Wednesday HodgePodge again. It’s been a while. Here goes.

1. Tell me something you remember (or if you’re not there yet, something you look forward to) about being 35.
I turned 35 in June of 2021. Honestly, it was one of the best years of my life so far, even though I didn’t see it at the time. It was the first year I had one-on-one and I started exploring polymer clay that summer, shortly after turning 35. I am pretty sure I made some of my best unicorns that year. At the end of 2021, I remember saying here on the blog that I had the best support I could hope for and now it was time to find the best med combo for me, referring to my wish to taper my antipsychotic. Honestly, looking back, I should’ve stayed in my comfort zone and not made the decision to want to move care homes (also when I was still 35, in April of 2022). Hindsight is 20/20.

2. Last time you “burned the candle at both ends”?
I rarely get up very early. My usual time to wake up is 8AM regardless of the time I went to sleep. That being said, if 8AM is considered early enough to count, I regularly “burn the candle at both ends, as I regularly stay up way past midnight. I remember once going to sleep at past 3AM and getting up before 8AM to get in my stand hours on my Apple Watch. I got 21 stand hours that day.

3. Are you someone with the “gift of gab”? Elaborate (which shouldn’t be a problem if you answered yes teehee).
I had to Google that expression. As for my answer, well, it depends. Sometimes I can talk up a storm, but sometimes I cannot articulate my basic needs.

4. Do you request a special meal on your birthday, and if so tell us what that meal is? Do you want the same kind of cake year after year or will any flavor work? Do you want cake at all? Growing up were birthdays a big deal in your house? Are they a big deal now?
I don’t really get to pick a special meal on my birthday now, although back in the psych hospital we could. Instead, I usually go out for dinner with my spouse and my parents on my birthdays. My spouse and I pick a restaurant. This year, we haven’t chosen one yet even though my birthday is on the 27th.

I don’t care for cake, honestly. My mother’s apple pie is good. So is homemade cheesecake. Other than that, I prefer a large waffle or something like that.

Birthdays were definitely a big deal growing up. That being said, I always managed to ruin mine as well as my sister’s with a meltdown or two. Now, though I like my birthday a little because of the presents, it’s more stress than fun.

5. “Age is just a number.”… agree or disagree? Tell us why.
I completely agree with Joyce’s answer to this question. I can feel all kinds of different ages, but it isn’t like I actually am an eight-year-old.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I went swimming, yay! One of the student staff has a project on leisure activities for a client and she chose me. During our discussion, we talked about swimming. She initially wanted to go to the nearby lake, but I don’t really like that. It was actually my idea to call the institution pool to ask if there was a possibility for me to go swimming there just once. And there was. It was magical! And the best news is, it’s not just for once. Our home now has a spot to go swimming there each week.

TGIF: A Short But Productive Week

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today, I’m joining Paula Light’s #TGIF
once again. Paula writes about this being a short week. I almost forgot about that. I mean, we don’t do Memorial Day here in the Netherlands. We have Veterans’ Day, which I believe is on June 29. However, last Sunday was Pentecost and, as with Easter, the Monday after that is called second Pentecost and is an official holiday too.

My week, despite being short, was productive. On Tuesday, I had a meeting with my behavior specialist and a behavior specialist responsible for a possible new care home (or several, I don’t know). They were purposefully vague about the home(s) this behavior specialist is in charge of. Nonetheless, I think the meeting went quite well.

On Wednesday, I was frustrated all day because my Braille display wouldn’t connect to my PC. I thought the problem was the cable, but it wasn’t. In the end, I found out that I had somehow managed to remove my Braille display from within the screen reader’s settings for default Braille display. My Braille display still doesn’t charge properly, for which a technician will come round on Tuesday.

As of yesterday, I am exercising more than I did last month, because I signed up for two challenges in a fitness app called Challenges. Yesterday, in fact, I burned over 500 active calories according to my Apple Watch. Today I’m not yet there, but I did get in significantly more steps. I don’t want this to become an obsession, so I’m making sure I do other activities too. Like, yesterday I created a polymer clay ice cream cone. I later realized that, because I had used white Premo, it needs to be cured at 135°C, but all the other colors are pretty light Fimo soft, for which 130°C is the maximum temperature (and in fact they often darken at this temperature too). I usually cure a Fimo/Premo combo at 130°C and will this time too, but am pretty sure the Fimo colors will be ruined.

This afternoon, my mother texted me asking whether I’d thought about celebrating my birthday (which is on the 27th). If it’s up to her, she’d like for my parents, my spouse and me to go out for dinner. I discussed it with my spouse, who suggested we go to our favorite chicken restaurant, which is about halfway between my parents and Lobith. Or was about halfway between my parents and Lobith, that is, since when looking it up, I found a different chicken restaurant, closer to my parents (so a longer drive for my spouse) and it turned out our favorite chicken restaurant no longer exists. I’m not yet sure what to do now, but I’ll think on it.

April and May 2023 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. In April, I didn’t get to post my monthly reflections because I was too busy with the #AtoZChallenge. Today, for this reason, I’m doing reflections for both April and May. I’m linking up with What’s Been On Your Calendar? (#WBOYC).

Honestly, I don’t remember much of the month of April. It was a really busy month in a way with me participating in the #AtoZChallenge on my blog, which I badly wanted to complete despite struggling with my mental health. In other ways though, it was a boring month, in that I hardly got to do anything creative. I also felt like I had to train new staff almost on a daily basis. By this I mean the fact that, almost every day, the least familiar staff member would be assigned to me and they’d be left with just the instruction to follow my day schedule.

I did work on an activity list detailing steps for each activity I usually do, but this unfortunately didn’t bring me closer to actually exploring creative activities with not-so-familiar staff.

In late April, my mother-in-law sent the behavior specialist an E-mail expressing my distress with the unfamiliar staff situation, as well as with the fact that no-one had told me anything about any progress re finding me a more suitable care home. During the month of May, I’ve had some meetings on this topic, but nothing has been decided yet and I’m pretty skeptical anything will be decided anytime soon. That is, unless the powers-that-be decide no place can be found for me.

Thankfully, I did have the #AtoZChallenge to inspire me. I did, for this reason, write 31 posts.

The month of May was a mixed bag in many respects. It was better than April had been on the care front. This did help me feel better, but it wasn’t like I could actually bring my many ideas for activities into action.

In early May, I went clothes shopping with my support coordinator and assigned staff. That same day, another staff also took me to a nearby lake to go for a walk and take some pictures.


I did over the month of May in particular develop some renewed interests, for example in essential oils. I also still want to buy a new blender, so that I can make smoothies again. However, I haven’t yet decided on one specifically.

I went to my spouse’s and my house in Lobith at least twice during the months of April and May. Honestly, my marriage is stronger than ever and I’m so happy about it!

All this being said, in general I very much feel as though my life has been “on hold” over the past few months. Though I did often feel quite inspired, I didn’t know how to put these ideas into action. I can’t completely blame the care home, but the fact that no matter what the staff here do to improve my situation I’ll never trust them not to mess up again, does contribute.

In the health department, I did significantly improve, at least on those measures I know. I lost weight and currently weigh 57.4kg, which is within the healthy range for my height of 1.53m. I also for the first time today got a cardio fitness level of 25 on my Apple Watch, which is in the “below-average” range (until a few months ago, I was consistently in the “low” range). Next month or in July, I’m due to get my annual bloodwork done and I’m kind of worried about that, particularly my kidney function of course. I do overall feel quite healthy though.