June 2023 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the end of the first half of 2023. Wow, can you imagine? I’m joining What’s Been On Your Calendar? (#WBOYC). Here goes.

Honestly, I can’t remember much of the first few weeks of June, other than the fact that I was extremely motivated to get moving. I had signed up for two Apple Watch challenges. Suffice it to say that motivation quickly diminished and I finally broke my 300-odd day streak of reaching my movement goal yesterday. That is, I broke it last Saturday too but cheated by lowering my movement goal for that day.

In other respects, the month has been meh too. I only wrote twelve blog posts, including this one, and hardly have been crafting. I mostly spent my days playing dice and the odd card game. I think I might be depressed, but more likely it’s the shitty circumstances of living in my current care home.

However, I’m pretty sure my staff think I’m doing well, as I’ve been in the communal room more. The reason is mostly to connect to somewhat familiar people, because I’ve mostly been assigned completely new temp workers. When I try to communicate my discomfort with this, I’m usually met with rather curt remarks that the staff have no obligation to explain their decisions to me and then, when I spiral further into meltdown, I’m met with harsher and harsher actions from the staff.

The month of June is, of course, also my birthday month. I had my sister and her family over in Lobith last Saturday, which was okay, though a bit stressful. I spent Tuesday, which was my actual birthday, in Apeldoorn with my parents and spouse. I really loved the Thai food we ate.

In the health department, I have been doing okay. My cardio fitness level has been declining again, unfortunately and is now just barely in the below-average range. I gained a little weight too, but truthfully my weigh-in on May 31 showed the lowest weight I’d been in forever, so I’m not worried about that. After all, I’m still at a healthy BMI.

How was your June?

The Wednesday HodgePodge (June 28, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I haven’t touched the blog in a few days once again. It’s for partly different reasons than last week this time though. The different reasons include the hustle and bustle of my birthday. It’s over though so today I’m back joining the Wednesday HodgePodge. Here goes.

1. What’s one thing you’re excited about in the coming month?
The last bit of my birthday celebrations when my mother-in-law visits me next week. We couldn’t visit my in-laws on Sunday. That is, technically we could, but since my mother-in-law was on call for the animal rescue service she volunteers for, it would have been quite boring for me.

2. What was your life like when you were ten years old?
It was a very difficult year. I turned ten on June 27, 1996. The day before my tenth birthday, I had my first out of what turned out to be only four sessions with a play therapist/educational psychologist. Given what I remember of those sessions, I wonder whether the therapist saw signs of autism back then. Either way, I’m pretty sure my parents decided after those four sessions that it was useless to continue. Fast forward to the end of my year of being ten, June of 1997, I had a psychological evaluation supervised by the same ed psych. This, and the recommendations that came out of it, led to my parents finally falling out with the school. Oh, how I wish I hadn’t been loyal to my parents back then…

3. What’s something from your childhood you still enjoy today?
Being creative, although not in the same ways. That is, I did love playing with play-doh (which one might say is somewhat related to polymer clay, even though real polymer clay artists will punch me in the stomach for saying it) as a young child. I loved drawing more though, something I obviously am no longer capable of. One thing I want to say though is that, even though I’m now totally blind, I still appreciate colors.

4. What state (that you haven’t been to) do you most want to visit? Tell us why.
I haven’t been to any U.S. states and honestly have no interest in visiting them anymore either. As for a country I’d like to visit that I haven’t been to: Sweden.

5. Do you like to drive? Tell us how you learned to drive.
Uhm, N/A. I don’t drive, as I’m blind. That being said, I doubt I could’ve learned had I not been blind, because my processing is about as screwed as can be.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
Today, I created a polymer clay flower pendant in just half an hour. I loved the entire process and it turned out quite good. In fact, the only thing I dislike about it is the fact that the eyepin’s direction is off.

I really need to be showing more of my creations on here, I think, as social media hardly work for me. I mean, I do try to use Instagram, although I wish it were more of a microblogging service with the pictures being optional. Then again, that’s what Twitter is supposed to be, but then again I despise Elon Musk. Oh well, the perfect social media platform doesn’t exist.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (June 23, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’ve once again been feeling really unmotivated to blog. I didn’t even bother with the Wednesday HodgePodge this week. Today though, I want to write. I’m joining the #WeekendCoffeeShare linky. It’s been a while. I already had my last cup of coffee for the day, but we all need to stay hydrated, so if join me for a glass of water, that’ll be fab.

If we were having coffee (or water, but I always start my paragraphs this way), I’d start out by sharing about the weather. Ours has been mostly sunny and warm with daytime temperatures of about 27°C. On Tuesday we had a thunderstorm here and on Thursday it rained continuously all evening. My spouse loves thunderstorms, but Lobith didn’t get any.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I have been struggling quite badly lately. The staff here seem to have decided to consistently send the least familiar to me staff member they have on board to do my one-on-one, even when that staff isn’t the least familiar with the other clients. I am of course the one labeled manipulative when I get irritable at the unfamiliar staff. I originally wrote a long rant about this situation, but deleted it because really it doesn’t help anyone.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that, due to these difficult circumstances, I’ve been feeling rather depressed and not as motivated to do much of anything. I keep playing dice games on my phone in an app called Dice World. I also play dice with most staff.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that my sister and her family are coming to Lobith tomorrow for an early birthday celebration for me. I will be in Lobith by about 11AM, though my sister won’t be there till 3PM or so. Unfortunately, on Sunday, my mother-in-law has to be on call for the animal rescue service she does volunteer work for, so we won’t be going there.

On Tuesday, which is my actual birthday, we invited my parents to come to Apeldoorn. We’ll hang out in a park close by where I grew up and then in the evening we’ll have dinner at a Thai restaurant.

I finally decided today that I do want to celebrate my birthday at the institution after all. I’m going to make cheesecake on Monday and we’re going to have French fries and a snack for dinner then.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you that I finally used my alcohol inks on a polymer clay project. I made earrings, of course. They’re a bit thick and I later found out my particular brand of alcohol inks isn’t very light-resistant, so the color will probably fade rather easily over time. At least now I know I can use my alcohol inks.

Also, I may get my ears pierced someday. I had my ears pierced in 2001, but wore large silver earrings right after the thingies they shoot into your ears when they pierce them. Thing is, I’m allergic to nickel and silver often contains that, so I got bad inflammation and eventually decided to let the holes close up. Now though I really want to be able to wear earrings again. My assigned staff offered to take me, so that’d be really cool.

How have you been?

Goodbye to Yet Another Social Networking Site? #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (#SoCS) is “site/sight”. I was immediately reminded of the Reddit blackout. For those not on Reddit, this was started in the blindness subreddit (or so I believe) as a protest to third-party apps to access Reddit being charged enormous fees in order to use Reddit’s API. This would, or so I’m led to believe, essentially render third-party Reddit clients unable to continue as of July 1.

What does blindness or sight have to do with this? Well, the Reddit app is particularly inaccessible with VoiceOver, unlike some third-party apps. While the Reddit site is slightly more useable than its mobile app, it’s still not fully accessible. The fact that third-party apps will most likely be going out of business as of July 1, means that those without sight will no longer be able to access the Reddit app.

While R/Blind is back online, many subreddits are protesting indefinitely by having gone private and disabled posting. This gives me the idea that more is at stake than just the blind community.

I joined Reddit less than three months ago, but I’m pretty sure I’ll have to let go of yet another social networking platform. Oh wait, I can technically still use Twitter and Instagram and Facebook, the latter of which I do still use for its groups, but I prefer not to. I’m glad I still have WordPress, although I wonder for how long.

Getting Older, Being Happier?

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt for Friday Faithfuls is aging. I used to think aging was scary. Even at the early age of four, I didn’t want my classmates to sing in a birthday song that I was growing up.

Then, a few years ago, I heard an episode of All in the Mind, an Australian psychology radio show (I listened to it as a podcast), about aging. In it, people were discussing the positive aspects of getting older and mentioned that, for people who got to age ninety or beyond, the happiest age they’d ever been in their entire life was 82. How they got to such an exact number, I don’t know, but I’ve since clung to that number. It helped that my assigned day activities staff at my old care home always said she was going to live to age 93. Since she is eleven years older than me, we had this inside joke about the two of us meeting up near the end of our lives when she was 93 and I was at my happiest ever, ie. 82.

There actually is, or so the people on the show said, some logic behind older people being happier than younger people. The reason is the fact that the amygdala, one of the parts of the brain responsible for registering fear, shrinks as we age.

Also, many people become more resilient as they experience more of life. Whether this is a biological, social or psychological thing or more likely a combination of all three, it does mean older people may be generally happier than those in their twenties and thirties, for example. Borderline personality disorder, also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder or emotion regulation disorder, of which I have some traits, tends to lessen as people get older as well. This lessening of symptoms usually starts in a sufferer’s early thirties. Indeed, though I cannot say I’m necessarily happier now that I’m nearly 37 than I was ten or twenty years ago, I am generally more emotionally stable.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (June 14, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I last touched the blog. Honestly, I haven’t been feeling inspired. Today is no exception. I’m joining the Wednesday HodgePodge once again. Here goes.

1. What does productivity look like to you?
I honestly don’t really know. I don’t do to-do lists, but I do have goals. For example, I’d really like to blog at least three times a week.

2. What was your fondest (or one of your fondest) memory of High School?
Participating in the Model European Parliament debating contest, in which students pretend to be EU representatives. Especially because I was chosen by a student committee, not the teacher. The students were in the year above me, mind you. I don’t think my classmates would ever have picked me. Neither, it turned out, would the teacher responsible for the contest and he didn’t shy away from admitting that it was because of my blindness. That, he also admitted was the reason I didn’t make it beyond the provincial level. I don’t mind. Going to Arnhem for a week to debate the European Union’s most pressing issues (I was on the foreign affairs committee) was cool. So was partying at night and getting tipsy on two beers, the most alcohol I’ve ever had. And trying a few puffs of a joint. Which, since I didn’t smoke, did nothing. For which I’m intensely grateful, since I later found out about the mental health risks of cannabis.

3. What did you do the summer after High School?
Nothing in particular until I started at the blindness training center in late August.

4. June 14th is National Strawberry Shortcake Day…are you a fan, and if so will you celebrate? How do you make yours? Have you been strawberry picking? If so what do you do with all those berrries?
I have no idea what shortcake even tastes like, since it’s not a thing here in the Netherlands. I haven’t been strawberry picking recently either.

5. What’s something you always splurge on?
My latest crafty interest, so it’s been polymer clay for several years. I am quite embarrassed to admit that, ten years ago, during the year I started crafting, I probably spent at least €1000, if not more, on card making supplies. And this was a time when I couldn’t sensibly afford to spend €100 a month on things I didn’t need. Besides, I ended up throwing most of my supplies away after that year.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I recently bought new AirPods. The old ones had an annoying beep in the right earbud, and since I had given up on the perfect noise canceling headphones, I decided to settle on AirPods instead. The good news is I actually figured out how to pair them with my PC.

Book Blogger Hop: Enjoying Children’s Books

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I am not really a book blogger, but I do follow Billy of Ramblings of a Coffee Addicted Writer. Billy hosts the Book Blogger Hop, which I find fascinating, as I do like to read (and write about) books occasionally. This is my first time actually participating in the hop.

This week, the question truly spoke to me: do you still read and enjoy children’s books? My answer, as those who’ve read my #IMWAYR posts on here will know, is a resounding “Yes”.

In fact, I probably don’t read that much adult fiction at all. The book I’m currently reading happens to be a new adult romance and is explicitly advertised as being for over-18s due to triggering content, but its main characters are high school students nonetheless.

I do try to read more adult-oriented books, as I’m nearly 37 and honestly can’t quite relate to today’s teenagers. Not that I can relate to today’s adults, but oh well.

As for actual children’s books… You know, middle grade, chapter books, picture books even… well, uhm, yes. Though I don’t download picture books off Bookshare (the accessible reading service for the blind or otherwise print disabled) because they count towards my maximum number of books I can download each month, picture book reading channels on YouTube are my guilty pleasure. So are chapter books, particularly those on mythical creatures such as unicorns. I really love the Unicorn University series by Daisy Sunshine.

Middle grade fiction and YA, I do like occasionally, but it depends on the topic. In general, as with adult fiction, the middle grade and YA lit I enjoy is usually pretty realistic.

Honestly, I feel quite ashamed for my not so age-appropriate reading preference, thinking it sets me apart from other book lovers. Then again, I’ll never be a proper book blogger anyway. I’m just not a fast enough reader for that.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (June 7, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining the Wednesday HodgePodge again. It’s been a while. Here goes.

1. Tell me something you remember (or if you’re not there yet, something you look forward to) about being 35.
I turned 35 in June of 2021. Honestly, it was one of the best years of my life so far, even though I didn’t see it at the time. It was the first year I had one-on-one and I started exploring polymer clay that summer, shortly after turning 35. I am pretty sure I made some of my best unicorns that year. At the end of 2021, I remember saying here on the blog that I had the best support I could hope for and now it was time to find the best med combo for me, referring to my wish to taper my antipsychotic. Honestly, looking back, I should’ve stayed in my comfort zone and not made the decision to want to move care homes (also when I was still 35, in April of 2022). Hindsight is 20/20.

2. Last time you “burned the candle at both ends”?
I rarely get up very early. My usual time to wake up is 8AM regardless of the time I went to sleep. That being said, if 8AM is considered early enough to count, I regularly “burn the candle at both ends, as I regularly stay up way past midnight. I remember once going to sleep at past 3AM and getting up before 8AM to get in my stand hours on my Apple Watch. I got 21 stand hours that day.

3. Are you someone with the “gift of gab”? Elaborate (which shouldn’t be a problem if you answered yes teehee).
I had to Google that expression. As for my answer, well, it depends. Sometimes I can talk up a storm, but sometimes I cannot articulate my basic needs.

4. Do you request a special meal on your birthday, and if so tell us what that meal is? Do you want the same kind of cake year after year or will any flavor work? Do you want cake at all? Growing up were birthdays a big deal in your house? Are they a big deal now?
I don’t really get to pick a special meal on my birthday now, although back in the psych hospital we could. Instead, I usually go out for dinner with my spouse and my parents on my birthdays. My spouse and I pick a restaurant. This year, we haven’t chosen one yet even though my birthday is on the 27th.

I don’t care for cake, honestly. My mother’s apple pie is good. So is homemade cheesecake. Other than that, I prefer a large waffle or something like that.

Birthdays were definitely a big deal growing up. That being said, I always managed to ruin mine as well as my sister’s with a meltdown or two. Now, though I like my birthday a little because of the presents, it’s more stress than fun.

5. “Age is just a number.”… agree or disagree? Tell us why.
I completely agree with Joyce’s answer to this question. I can feel all kinds of different ages, but it isn’t like I actually am an eight-year-old.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I went swimming, yay! One of the student staff has a project on leisure activities for a client and she chose me. During our discussion, we talked about swimming. She initially wanted to go to the nearby lake, but I don’t really like that. It was actually my idea to call the institution pool to ask if there was a possibility for me to go swimming there just once. And there was. It was magical! And the best news is, it’s not just for once. Our home now has a spot to go swimming there each week.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (June 3, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone on this first Saturday evening of June. I’m really motivated to write another blog post, so am joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. I’ve had all my coffee for the day. In fact, the other residents didn’t even want their evening coffee, so the staff made a cup of Senseo for me. I still probably need to drink some water, so if you’d like a glass of water too, that’s totally cool. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d share about the weather. It’s mostly been quite good, though not summerlike yet. The mornings in fact have been quite cold, but in the afternoons, it’s often warmed up to about 20°C.

If we were having coffee, I’d post pictures of the polymer clay unicorn with wings I created a few weeks ago. Although the glitter on its wings drooped a bit (or a lot), I think it turned out quite lovely overall.



If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you all about the meeting with the two behavior specialists – my own and one responsible for a potential new care home (or maybe several, they were deliberately vague) here on institution grounds – I had on Tuesday. Like I might’ve said last week, my assigned staff did mention a few care homes she’d heard about, but she wasn’t sure either and probably didn’t realize I wasn’t supposed to know. I obviously googled these care homes and also ran them by someone I know online who offered to help me prepare for the meeting. She also read the info the website provides on my current care home and concluded that it’s probably all “window dressing”, ie. the care agency trying to make a good impression on their site without giving much info away. She recommended I focus my points in the meeting on what’s important to me in staff attitude.

So that’s what I did. I told the behavior specialists that, regardless of what type of home I’ll move into, it’ll never be a perfect fit because there just aren’t enough people with similar needs to mine in the Netherlands. Therefore, what’s important to me is staff being willing and able to get to know me and accommodate to my needs without constantly shoving “how this home works” in my face. Of course, I did say I’ll need to adapt in some ways, but constantly needing to adapt to “how this home works” in every single way isn’t working for me. I explained that I’m significantly overestimated here at my current care home. I also explained that, while the staff have made some moves in my direction eventually, them majorly shoving “how this home works”in my face during the first few months significantly diminished my trust in them.

They asked a few specific questions, but mostly just listened to me. I hope something will come out of this.

Don’t Leave Me Alone! #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

I am one of those autistic people who doesn’t like to be left alone. That is, I do need a significant amount of alone time, but it has to be on my terms. That might seem weird or normal, I don’t even know. I mean, I’m used to it being seen as weird here at the care home. Staff see it as a sign that I crave attention somehow. Which, even if it were true, well, attention is a normal human need.

I am not sure where I’m headed with this post, but I often feel like a fake autistic for feeling like I don’t want or need to be left alone when I’m in distress. Probably because my former psychologist at the psychiatric hospital used it as a reason to diagnose me with dependent personality disorder. Which I might have after all, I’m not sure. Then again, the treatment for that isn’t to leave someone to their own resources just like that.

I often have this statement in my head: “Don’t leave me alone!” It is cried out, in my head, by a child’s voice. I am pretty sure it is from a book and in Dutch, it sounds different, but I’m writing it like this here for the purposes of this post. Don’t leave me alone. Never leave me alone. Well, people always will. That’s life.

This post was written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday for this week. The prompt is “left alone”.