My Current Night-Time Routine

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I totally forgot about Writer’s Workshop this week, even though there are several prompts that appeal to me. I might just write another post tomorrow about another prompt, but tonight, I’m talking about my bedtime routine. Oh wait, I wrote a post about that already in 2022. Reading it makes me miss Raalte so much… even my night-time routine was better. Oh well, here’s my current night-time routine.

My night-time routine starts at 8PM with my getting into my nightwear. Even though this is early, I’m the last of my care home to get dressed into my nightwear. I also get my last round of meds at 8PM, which thankfully doesn’t include sleeping pills. The one time I took a sleeping pill while here, I had to take it at 9PM, which is still very early for me.

At 8:45PM, I usually get a small snack or a bit of fruit, because like I said I go to bed late and I’d feel hungry if my last food of the day (except for a biscuit at evening coffee time) was dinner at 5PM. Then at 9:30PM I brush my teeth, my staff lock my door that leads to the backyard and turn off my lights. Since I’m blind, I can function without light and, if the staff don’t turn off the light for me, I might forget or be bothered by the light if it’s set really bright, and I don’t know how the switch works.

Once I’m ready for bed, I turn off my computer and check the battery status of my iPhone. I sometimes forget to charge my Apple Watch before bedtime and then I put it on the charger for a few minutes to at least get a bit of power to last it through the night. Depending on the battery status of my iPhone and my mood, I might turn on relaxing music either for an hour or throughout the night.

I take off my slippers and usually my socks (except in the freezing depth of winter, then I leave my socks on). I have a weighted blanket that I lie under year-round. And no, it isn’t exceptionally hot in summer. I also fetch two specific stuffed animals: the lemur will have its tail across my stomach and the dolphin I will hold in my arms. I have about five more soft toys in my bed, but these usually just lie around my pillow.

I can sleep in all kinds of positions depending on my mood, the temperature in my room, etc. I usually have the headboard of my bed turned up pretty high. When I can’t sleep, I also turn the other end up. Yes, I know, it sounds weird. I am so grateful for my adjustable bed though. It isn’t a given, since just after I’d gotten this one in like 2021, the higher-ups in my care agency decided that people who weren’t severely physically disabled, didn’t qualify for adjustable beds. They didn’t take away mine though, thank goodness.

Polymer Clay Makes Me Smile #WeeklySmile

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m still struggling with attachment issues and, to make matters worse, my assigned staff went on sick leave just after I told her how intensely I was struggling. I can’t shake the thought that it’s my fault, no matter how many times the other staff say that it isn’t. I do try to focus on the positive and stay as active as I can be though. Today, I’m participating in Trent’s #WeeklySmile. I’m also joining in, a day late, with Sunny Sunday. That way, I’m spreading the word about these two positive prompts while sharing things that made me smile.

Well, most of the things that made me smile over the weekend have to do with polymer clay. First, on Saturday, I started on a bunch of earrings that I am not 100% sure with what to do with them yet. Currently, they’re mostly just green cutter earrings (or really earrings-to-be, as I haven’t added the findings yet) with no design or whatever, but it was fun working with my cutters anyway.

One thing I did discover today while trying to finish one pair of earings, is that you can actually sand the top of earrings, that is, the side that will be visible when wearing them. I actually achieved great results sanding a pair of earrings with finer sandpaper (starting at 400 grit then 600 then 800 then 1000). Until now, I always thought that the side with the design on was pretty much as is, because you’d sand off the design. Granted, my trial pair were just green with no design, but my next pair will have a design on them.

The next thing that made me smile is discovering yet another great shop for clay cutters, texture rollers, silkscreens, etc. Another thing that made me smile was reading up on some simple earring projects on one shop’s website. I honestly think I’d love to try these out. It’s my birthday in a little over three weeks, so I really hope I’ll get some new things from one of those sites.

I really should get some display materials soon, as I don’t feel comfortable showing my earrings while wearing them myself and some of them are gifts too.

This new hyperfixation really makes me so excited. It’s part of polymer clay in general, of course, which I’m into already. This means I feel less like a failure if this thing doesn’t work out. At least it means only part of a hobby isn’t suitable for me. But I hope it is.

Reading a Recipe (With the Help of AI) #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m so excited to read this week’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday prompt, which is “recipe”. I could of course talk about my efforts in finding the perfect mug cake recipe. I did, after several attempts, have some luck with the ones from the book Best Mug Cakes Ever. That’s exciting enough. What’s even more exciting, is polymer clay, of course.

I have finally been claying a bit over the past few days again. Not with custom-mixed colors yet, but oh well, that’s my next step. I, after all, once again went on a shopping spree and bought several collections of color recipes off Etsy. Then, unfortunately, I found out that the first collection had all the recipe cards as .png files and the second was an image PDF. You can imagine how disappointed I was. Nearly €100 down the drain, or so I thought.

Then I decided to run the files through an app called Envision. This app has an OCR function, which lets me read the image PDF. The quality of the OCR’d text wasn’t great, but I saw a button called “Ask Envision”. That let me ask the app to search the scanned document and find answers for me and, for some reason, these were much clearer than when I read the document myself. It’s still a bit of a hassle, but it’s honestly quite cool what AI is capable of.

I also was able to run the .png image files through Envision, which also has an image description function. The image description was cool, but even cooler were the very clear recipes I got. Now I only need to buy the needed colors of clay, since all of these recipes use Premo, which I only have a few colors of and not most of the ones used for these recipes. However, I’m pretty sure that the same goes for polymer clay color recipes that goes for journaling prompts: that half the fun is in the collecting.

The Wednesday Hodgepodge (May 29, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Sorry, it’s been a while. I’m really in a rut again, but today I’m feeling as though I might slowly be creeping out. I’m joining the Wednesday Hodgepodge today. Okay, I said I was leaving the Christian-based lifestyle blogger crowd, but I think the questions are fun and I don’t swear in my answers (or ever on this blog, really), so what’s the problem? It might be that I’m likely to encounter viewpoints I strongly disagree with among my fellow Hodgepodge’ers. Okay, we’ll see.

1. Growing up, at what age did you think you’d become an adult? At what age did you actually become an adult?
My parents always touted the idea that you were an adult by age 18 and should be able to take care of yourself by that age too. It always scared me though. On my 18th birthday, I wrote in my online diary that I was supposed to be a “fairy woman” now rather than a “fairy child” (my nicname was “Elfenkind”, which translates to “fairy child”).

When did I actually feel like an adult? Well, honestly… still not quite, at 37. When I fill out “life experience” surveys, they always say I have the life experience of someone in my early to mid-20s, in that, though I’m married and my partner and I own a house, I never worked, don’t have a driver’s license (duh), don’t live independently, etc.

2. Your favorite item you’ve bought this year?
My first instinct is to say my current headphones, but these are a recent purchase (like, a few weeks ago). I honestly can’t remember all that many physical items I purchased this year.

3. May 28th is National Hamburger Day…are you a fan? If so, how do you like yours? When was the last time you had a hamburger? Besides the backyard grill, what’s your favorite place to go for a burger?
I’m definitely a fan. My favorite toppings are anything spicy. The last time I had a burger was at Burger King when going to buy my new desk chair about three weeks ago. My favorite place to grab a burger is the local snack corner called Kwalitaria.

4. How have your priorities changed over time?
I have become more self-centered, honestly. This doesn’t mean I don’t think of others, but I do put my own oxygen mask on first, so to speak. When I was younger, up until my early 30s, I pretty much let other people make decisions for me and dictate how I lived my life even when those decisions were rather bad for my health and wellbeing. It’s still a process to unlearn this habit.

5. What’s one thing on your June calendar you’re really looking forward to?
There’s nothing I’m really looking forward to, honestly. It’s my birthday at the end of June, but I’m dreading seeing my parents and sister even more this year than usual. My partner has to work on my birthday, but we’ll likely celebrate over the weekend after it. Okay, wait, one thing I do sort of look forward to: I have plans to make cheesecake for my fellow clients on my birthday, since I’m not going home to my and my spouse’s house that day anyway. I’ll also be treating the entire home to French fries and snacks.

Oh wait again, it doesn’t have to be a special, once-a-year thing you’re looking forward to, and I’m really, really, really looking forward to seeing my spouse on Sunday!

6. Insert your own random thought here.
Finally been claying again. Working on some earrings. They didn’t turn out all that good but oh well.

Experiencing Envy As an Enneagram Type Four

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Lately, I’ve had some real struggles that got me thinking hard about myself. I often want to love myself and that, interestingly, seems to include denying my less than stellar qualities. Then again, if I really want to love myself as I am, that includes accepting my shadow side too.

Today, I am focusing on one of these aspects of myself I’m not so proud of: envy. I’m exploring this from an Enneagram point of view.

As those who’ve read my other Enneagram-based posts know, I’m a type Four. Fours’ core vice is envy. More specifically though, I’m a sexual/one-to-one (SX) type where it comes to instinctual variants. These are not just focused on envy, but on competition.

I don’t necessarily consider myself very competitive in sports or games or whatever. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. However, I realized I’m an SX type when reading the first chapter of The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut and watching some YouTube videos too. I realized I do compete with my fellow clients for care.

Like, I can’t stop claiming that one particular fellow client doesn’t need to deal with temp workers. Whether that’s true, doesn’t even matter to me, as I honestly couldn’t care less about his care. In that sense, I’m not competitive. Oh wait, that’s a lie. I didn’t start competing for care until I met the full-time one-on-one client at the intensive support home, so in this sense, it does matter what others have.

I do also believe envy is part of what got me to decide to enter a forum my spouse is active on recently (I left when my spouse called me out). My intention wasn’t to spy on my spouse, but rather I was envious of the connections my spouse had made through that forum. Never mind that I am on a ton of forums myself and could have developed genuine connections if I just cared to put in the effort. I probably have myself and my being a Four to blame for the fact that I never feel like I belong anywhere. Which makes me think, maybe I really am not an SX type, but a social (SO) type. I do need to look into instinctual variants more.

Reading Wrap-Up (May 20, 2024) #IMWAYR

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I finally have a few ideas for blog posts. Too bad most are Monday themes and it’s already 10PM. Oh well, I could probably join in late with some of them. First, I’ve really been back in a reading groove over the past week, so I thought I’d share what I’ve been reading and am considering reading next. As usual, I’m linking up with #IMWAYR.

First off, let me share that I started being active on both Goodreads and the Storygraph again. I had abandoned them in early 2023 since I was hardly reading anything. I also still feel that Goodreads really, really badly needs a DNF shelf. I mean, the Storygraph’s interface sucks, so it’s probably not something I’m going to use for my everyday reading tracking, but letting unfinished books sit on my currently-reading shelf for years, also sucks. However, it looks unlikely that the big guys at Amazon are ever going to add any new features to Goodreads. Oh well. Let’s get into my reading wrap-up.

What I’m Currently Reading

I’m reading Little Girl Lost by Casey Watson. So far, it doesn’t look as amazing as her other books.

I’m also reading Security Risk (Pelican Bay Security, #1) by Megan Matthews. I picked it pretty randomly after finishing another book on Kindle. I have had this book forever, since it was at one point free (or maybe still is), probably because it’s the first in the series. I’m only 8% in, but I think I like it.

What I Recently Finished Reading

I finally finished Dear Ava by Ilsa Madden-Mills. Have I ever even mentioned reading it? I don’t think so. Anyway, I looked at my Goodreads and saw that I started reading it in June of last year. It’s a bit dark because of the sexual assault theme, but this was actually the thing that got me pulled into the romance thing too. I wasn’t attracted to the explicit love scenes in particular, but there’s a lot more to this story than smut.

This book got me interested in reading the Megan Matthews book, which also falls within the romance genre, although that one is romantic suspense.

What I Think I’ll Read Next

I have absolutely no idea. I’m a total mood reader and can pick up books that I’ve had lying around for months and not forget the story altogether, as with Dear Ava. Maybe that means I don’t need that DNF shelf after all.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (May 18, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. How are you doing? I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare again. It’s nearly 9PM Saturday, so I’ve long had my last cup of coffee for the day. If you’d like, I can offer you a cup of green tea, a glass of soda or some water though. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first as usual I’d talk about the weather. It’s been quite good with daytime temps most days around 22°C, sometimes higher. On Thursday, we did get a thunderstorm, which scares me.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that, as a result, I had no trouble meeting my movement goal on my Apple Watch each day. I went for walks each day. On Thursday, before the thunderstorm, I also actually rode the side-by-side bike for a little in the morning and then we cycled to Colmschate, a neighborhood of Deventer, the nearest city, in the afternoon. In total, I did 25km of cycling according to my Apple Watch. I reached double my movement goal that day.

If we were having coffee, next I’d say that, generally, Thursday was my best day of the week. I finally worked on a polymer clay project once again. The new student staff was being introduced to me so I decided to show her how I make a unicorn. I got distracted by the thunderstorm a lot, so the unicorn didn’t turn out as great as I’d hoped, but oh well.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that the rest of the week was a bit challenging. I’ve been struggling with attachment issues lately. I keep clinging to my “favorites” among the staff. I’ve decided I will discuss this with the behavior specialist when I’m having en appt with her and my mother-in-law on Tuesday, as it really needs to stop for my and the staff’s sake. I mean, I’m allowed to have preferences re staff I get along with, but my anxiety around them abandoning me and the resulting distress isn’t healthy and besides, it might just lead to that exact thing if they feel I’m too clingy.

If we were having coffee, finally I’d share that my spouse and I were trying to figure out ways for seeing each other over the weekend, since due to Pentecost all shops and lunchrooms are closed on Sunday and Monday. I finally came up with the idea of traveling to our house by ParaTransit on Monday. I haven’t been there since Christmas. It should really be cool.

Share Your World (May 13, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining Share Your World. It’s a lovely blog challenge on WordPress where bloggers answer four questions, with an optional gratitude section at the end. Here goes.

1. Have you ever lied about your age?
Not really purposefully lied, but my insiders/alters/parts (I most likely have a dissociative disorder) have different ages from my body age and they’ve sometimes been rather in your face with them, even though we rarely experience full-on amnesia and, as a result, usually know our body’s legal age on some level.

2. Is there any time in your life you would like to relive?
The year 2021 and the first half of 2022. Those were, all things considered, the happiest times of my life. I wish I could go back in time and make one different choice then too, which my regular readers will know: I’d travel back to April of 2022 and undo my decision to ask to move out of the care facility in Raalte.

3. Do you own any antiques?
Not at all.

4. Would you like to know some of the history of places you’ve visited?
Not sure. I did visit the institution museum a few weeks back and that was fun, but I don’t really care for historic buildings or anything.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (May 11, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s been a long week, honestly, so time for a cup of coffee, green tea or a smoothie. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been quite warm and sunny most days, with daytime highs around 20°C. Tomorrow, the temperature is even supposed to reach 25°C. The mornings have been cooler though, as it’s not yet July, obviously. Which makes me think, with temperatures like this in May, will we get a soaring hot summer again? Most likely. I love warm weather, but it’s not like I want summertime temps over 35°C.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve been walking a fair bit over the past week. I also rode the side-by-side bike yesterday. We finally figured out how to make it so that I can actually push the pedals properly rather than just moving along with the person who’s on the steering side of the bike.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, on today’s morning walk, we came by the intensive support home and several clients were calling out to me. I decided to come over and join them in their backyard. Eventually, one of the staff who did work there when I still lived there, joined us and offered me a cup of coffee. I think that’s nice!

If we were having coffee, I’d share that, finally, it looks like my orthopedic shoes are actually good to wear. The last adjustment was to the front, which scratches the ground due to my ever-worsening drop foot, causing the shoe to need repairing almost on a weekly basis. Now, it’s not like it doesn’t still scratch the ground and get damaged, but not nearly as much as it used to. And the big positive: I can actually wear these shoes without getting blisters. Like, okay, that’s normal, but I only used to be able to wear my specific brand of walking shoes and I’d get blisters from everything else, including every pair of orthopedic shoes I’ve tried before. I have actually been wearing these shoes most of the day for the past few days without a problem.

If we were having coffee, I’d report that, speaking of my drop foot, the physical therapist has been here. We went for a 20-minute walk, during which I didn’t walk with a drop foot as much as before, thankfully. It hasn’t had me convinced that my mobility isn’t worsening, but at least it isn’t as bad as I’d feared. I mean, it could just be normal aging with mild cerebral palsy.

If we were having coffee, I would share that I bought yet another pair of new headphones. Originally, I wasn’t intending on giving up on my AirPods, but because they keep losing connectivity to my computer, I needed headphones that come with a wired option. Well, guess what? The wired option for the JBL Tune 770NC headphones isn’t all that awesome, but the headphones don’t lose connection to my computer when connected via Bluetooth. Besides, it can be connected to both my iPhone and computer at the same time. How I wish I’d known about these before buying the AirPods, that were literally three times the price of these headphones.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I also finally replaced my desk chair. I got a gaming chair. That’s the reason I have been wearing my orthopedic shoes all day: the chair is too high for me to sit on without shoes on. Other than that though, it’s much better than my previous chair.

I also ordered a table and two chairs for in my little backyard. These weren’t in stock at the store I went to, so I’ll have to come back to collect them. While at that store, I saw a really cute unicorn soft toy and just had to get it.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d admit that I have been struggling with my mental health again and, as a result, haven’t been too inspired in the creative department recently. I do really hope to get back into the groove soon. I did, last week, buy some kitchen tools, like measuring spoons and a sugar/flour sieve. I’ve only used the measuring spoons for smoothie making so far, but that’s a start at least.

I Am Myself (For Real This Time!)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I haven’t blogged in over a week and it’s not for lack of wanting to, but for lack of feeling like I belong anywhere within the blogosphere. I have myself to blame, having tried to fit in simultaneously with the traditional lifestyle blogger crowd, most of who are Christian, and the more open-minded if not secular community that is mostly on WordPress. I have always had to sacrifice part of myself in order to belong with the lifestyle crowd. That’s, of course, the essence of the Christian faith and one big reason I now seriously proclaim I’m no longer pretending to be a Christian. I’m not. I am spiritual, but I choose my own path.

I mean, I could of course quote Bobby Schuller, who is big on belonging before you “behave”. However, at the end of the day, he too condemns everyone who doesn’t ultimately “behave”. And I never “behaved”. For one thing, my first crush was a girl. For another, I didn’t live with my spouse for the first six years of our marriage and not ever since 2019 either. For yet another, we don’t have kids and that’s 100% by choice. In short, I refuse to be bound by the rigid standards of sexual and gender roles that traditional “family values” impose on me. I honestly don’t care about being a “good” woman in God’s eyes. I’m done with sacrificing part of me just so I belong. Maybe along the way I’ll discover who I “myself” even am.