Friday Feels (October 4, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I have a ton of ideas of what to write about floating in my mind, but because of this I struggle to pick one. I’m going with Deb’s Friday Feels. I loved coming up with an F word last time.

F word

My F word for this week is “fruit”. Like I mentioned earlier, I bought a slow juicer. My spouse cautioned me against using it daily because of the risk of microplastics getting into my juice, as the juicer is a Chinese brand. For this reason, I’ve only used it once so far and only juiced an apple.

I since discovered that I can do far more with my blender (which is safe to use according to my spouse) than I used to think. I mean, I have one book of smoothie recipes that has a ton of juice-based ones in it, like recipes for which you need carrot juice, blueberry nectar (which I found out is just sweetened, thickened blueberry juice), etc. I decided to look beyond this book, as I have many other books on the topic of smoothies and juicing.

Today, I made my first green smoothie. Of course, I didn’t use just greens, as that’d make the smoothie taste horrible. I used spinach, pineapple, banana and coconut water. I think this smoothie can compete with the smoothie I made a few weeks back that I said was my favorite. My fellow residents loved it too.

What made me happy?

I’m in a pretty good mood, but there’s little specifically that made me happy. Then again, being in a good space mentally is a good enough reason to be happy, in my opinion.

What made me sad?

Not sad per se. More like frustrated. A skin infection on my face. Thankfully, the staff finally saw that it needed treatment yesterday and the institution nurse agreed, so I now have a salve for it.

Oh, and the fact that the entire town was cut off from WiFi yesterday afternoon and it wasn’t solved until this morning. This is costing the institution lots of money, as the night staff rely on WiFi-connected technology to know when we need them, so now each home had to have its own night staff.

What made a difference?

Two things. First, my support coordinator is genuinely listening to me with regards to my struggles in play therapy and in general. I have this issue with being very much behind emotionally and I struggle with this, because sometimes I can explain the theory, but this doesn’t mean I can help myself in reality.

Another, somewhat related thing was the video interaction support I got on Tuesday. Then, it was just someone recording me and a staff interacting on video without any feedback, but I’m hopeful the staff will learn something by looking at the video at a later time.

Clawing My Way Out

Posted on by Astrid

There have been many times when I had to creep out of a very dark, deep pit of despair. I try not to wallow in depression, but, as an Enneagram type Four (and I in no way mean to blame that for all my shortcomings), I struggle to disengage from my feelings and actually live. That is, unless I so completely disconnect from my feelings that I’m in fact pretending they’re nonexistent, something that in turn can lead to my feelings eventually overpowering me and my falling back into the pit. When this happens, I can choose to either stay there or claw my way out and so far, I’ve thankfully always chosen the latter!

I’m thankful that, even though it’s fall and this is usually a season for misery and melancholy for me, I haven’t found myself in the dark valley yet. Let’s hope I can skip it this year!

This post was written for this week’s edition of Six Sentence Stories. The prompt word is “claw”.

It’s October

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s October. Several years, I’ve at least tried to participate in blog challenges, such as #Blogtober and #Write31Days. I saw that #Blogtober is running again this year, but I’m not officially participating. Still, I’m challenging myself to blog more this month. I did okay’ish in September.

Generally speaking, I don’t like October. It’s not as bad as November, but it’s not a fun month. Unfortunately, this year so far is no exception.

The weather’s bad, so I didn’t walk today except to a staff’s car to drive to a DHL service point to pick up a slow juicer I’d ordered online on Sunday. It’s a Chinese brand, so I may at some point regret having bought it because of the risk of microplastics in my juice. In fact, I’m already putting a good juicer and blender (my blender is not Chinese but it’s a cheap one) on my wishlist should I decide juicing and smoothie making is a true keeper hobby for me. I’m not buying either until I’ve waited a few months to make up my mind though.

I did start off this month with a new course on Duolingo: intermediate English. So far, most of it is ridiculously easy. Then again, the option I selected on the start screen to determine my skill level made the app think I’m at the early B1 level in the CEFR classification system. My spouse said my writing skills are probably C1 level at least but I’m pretty sure I miss some B level vocabulary. Let’s hope the course will aid in teaching me that.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (September 28, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare again today. It’s nearly 10PM here, so no coffee for me. If you’d like some though, pour yourself a cup and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d moan about the weather. I had to check back to last week’s coffee share to see if memory was serving me well, as I almost couldn’t believe the daytime high was above 20°C then. Today, the daytime high was only 14°C. It was raining all day yesterday and most of the day today too.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that, as a result of the rainy weather, I almost didn’t meet my movement goal on my Apple Watch yesterday. I was tempted to lower my goal for that day specifically, but my spouse convinced me that would be cheating. I then danced around my room for about 25 minutes so that at least I’d meet my goal. I didn’t meet my exercise goal, but that doesn’t count towards the perfect month award.

During most of the rest of the week, I didn’t walk much at
all either. On Thursday, however, I went swimming. This was great!

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I’ve also been quite fatigued lately. I’m probably starting to experience a touch of the seasonal blues.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I had bloodwork on Monday. I had no idea why and in fact was convinced they got me mixed up with another client. Apparently not. However, I had already had breakfast and one of the things needing to be checked was glucose. I thought this would be problematic, but the nurse said it wasn’t. I finally found out the reason for the bloodwork yesterday: it was the fact that I’d been experiencing night sweats. I had long attributed those to the warmer weather, but then again they aren’t gone now (though they’ve lessened). Fingers crossed for all normal results.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I had a meeting with my support coordinator, behavior specialist and mother-in-law on Monday. It was a bit difficult. Though I could see my support coordinator doing her best to help me, it was still quite hard to feel the limits of what she can do for me.

For example, I had been struggling with play therapy because a staff I don’t realy trust had been attending it with me. My support coordinator tried her best to find a somewhat trusted staff for me in the coming weeks but couldn’t, so I felt like giving in and accepting a staff I at least don’t feel bad about.

The next day, I had a candid conversation with my support coordinator. That was somewhat reassuring. Play therapy on Wednesday was still more or less useless.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that next week, I’ll be video-recorded in my interactions with a staff. The goal is for staff to look at the tiny signs that might lead to distress and things they can do or not do to help me.

If we were having coffee, I’d end on an upbeat note by saying I’ve been making a lot of smoothies lately. I don’t really have the energy for polymer clay or the like, but preparing a smoothie takes only five to ten minutes. I always create enough to share with at least some of my fellow clients and they truly appreciate it. My best one was a smoothie with pineapple, banana, coconut water and a pinch of cinnamon.

I also finally managed to make a delicious mug cake. I mean, the ones I made before were okay, but there was always something slightly off about them. The only thing about this one was the fact that I couldn’t wait for it too completely cool before consuming it. Otherwise, it was great!

“Feeling Blue” Makes No Sense

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m a little late participating in this week’s Sunday Confessionals, as rather than Sunday, it’s Monday night. However, as someone who only “sees” color as it’s presented to me synesthetically, I felt the prompt of “feeling blue” appealed to me.

Blue, as I see it, is not a sad color at all. As such, “feeling blue” has never truly had its intended connotation to me. Blue is the color of clear skies (at least, in our perception). I associate it with inward-directed energy. As such, blue is the color of the letter T, which represents “Thinking” in the MBTI. It might be associated with introspection, but it’s definitely not associated with depression. I’d choose grey for that instead.

I am not a color-to-emotion synesthete, although if I want to, I can describe the feel various colors have to me. Red is angry, as one might expect. Yellow, on the other hand, isn’t as upbeat as most people associate the color to be. I would describe it, depending on its shade, as slightly content in a light shade to optimistic in sunflower yellow. Give me green as the representative of joy anytime. And purple, and especially lilac, is authentic, even though there’s no purple letter in that word.

What do you think? Do colors have emotional meanings to you?

#WeekendCoffeeShare (September 21, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all on this beautiful Saturday in September. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare today. It’s 7:30PM, so I just had my last cup of coffee for the day. I also had a delicious smoothie I made. I must admit, I normally don’t make the best smoothies, or at least I don’t really like them myself. This one though was absolutely great! I used banana, pineapple, coconut water and a bit of cinnamon. The cinnamon was old, so even though I’m pretty sure I put quite a bit into my smoothie, I only got a slight taste of it. I shared what I had left with my fellow residents, but since this is a virtual get-together, you are invited to grab a virtual cup.

If we were having coffee, first I’d share about the weather. It’s been absolutely gorgeous with daytime temperatures of about 23°C most of the week. It’s also been quite sunny. Mornings are chilly, but then again it’s September, so that makes perfect sense. Tomorrow is supposed to be the last warm day and then next week daytime temps are supposed to drop to as low as 13°C.

If we were having coffee, I’d probably be stating the obvious if I said I’ve been walking a lot. I sometimes feel guilty when this is pretty much all I do during my allocated activity time. Then again, I tell myself the weather isn’t going to be as beautiful as it is now forever.

I also have been taking photos on my walks. That is, I usually hand my phone to my staff, who then will be snapping the pictures. I enjoy it nonetheless. Yesterday, we were able to capture a bunny.

I have also been loving using Be My Eyes and other image description apps. Be My Eyes was even able to correct me and my staff on what type of bird was swimming in the institution pond.

If we were having coffee, I’d talk a little about the new iOS and WatchOS versions that came out on Monday. They’re quite stable and there aren’t many bugs affecting VoiceOver or Braille use. That’s a rarity with the first release of a major software update. I didn’t initially think I’d care for iOS 18, but WatchOS 11 does have some nice features and I’d need iOS 18 for that. I am looking forward to seeing my Vitals trend in a few weeks.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’ve been struggling a little with flashbacks and nightmares. I am, thankfully, for the most part still able to cope.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that on Wednesday, I celebrated one year in my current care home. I treated the entire home to burgers again, like on my birthday, but this time the salad I made as a side dish was the highlight for me.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you that on Thursday, it was my and my spouse’s thirteenth wedding anniversary. We drove to Nijmegen to have lunch at what I consider to be my favorite restaurant, Dromaai. Not that the food is exceptionally good, but I have fond memories of eating out here with my partner when I still lived in Nijmegen.

September Dreams and Memories

Posted on by Astrid

Last night I dreamt of being admitted to the psych hospital. It’s no wonder, since the anniversary of my actual admission isn’t very far away, on November 3. September 23 is my anniversary of going into long-term care and last Wednesday, I celebrated one year in my current care home.

I was reminded yesterday that September is a bittersweet month. That is, I was reminded of the sweet aspect, ie. it being me and my spouse’s wedding aniversary yesterday. The bitter aspect has overshadowed my days with flashbacks and my nights with dreams more than I’d like. I am, thankfully, still coping.

I am hoping that, as I acquire more pleasant memories here at this home, the flashbacks and nightmares will lessen. I know I was saying something similar when reclaiming November in 2021. I hope this time around I will choose following my dreams and aspirations over re-enacting the past.

Sharing this post with Friday Writings #145, for which the optional theme is dreams and memories. This was more of a freewrite than anything else, but oh well.

Exploring “Safe Ground” in a Less Than Optimal Care System

Posted on by Astrid

I’ve been exploring the concept of “safe ground”. This is a buzzword in the long-term care sector, particularly in the care of people with severe challenging behavior. It is used to describe the idea that people are unconditionally accepted in their care homes and will not be kicked out for their behavior.

I’ve been feeling drawn to this idea, because I’ve been kicked out of services, or out of the particular service I used, for my behavior several times.

One video I watched on the topic of “safe ground” explored a care home for the most severely challenging individuals. As in, there are only 24 places in the entire country. I don’t know why I was drawn to this video, because I’m not nearly the most challenging resident on grounds here, let alone among the top 24 of the country. In fact, I would say that at least one of my fellow residents here at my home is more challenging than me.

There are two concepts to unpack here, which may or may not be related. The first is, why do I identify so strongly with the most difficult of clients in the care system when I’m probably somewhere in the middle? The second is, is “safe ground” only the idea that people won’t be kicked out for their behavior, or is it more generally speaking unconditional acceptance of clients with their unique needs?

I’ll explore the second concept now. I think “safe ground” means more than just not kicking out clients, and in this respect, it’s relevant to me. I think it means (or should mean) seeing the unmet needs behind challenging behavior. Seeing the person rather than the client. I still think that, even if I don’t end up being kicked out of here for my behavior, there’s still a world to win here. I am hopeful that, when the things we discussed a few weeks ago at the meeting between my support coordinator, behavior specialist and me, will be implemented, we’ll get close.

That being said, it’s still 2024 and this means no optimal care for anyone. I think one of the things I wish people would admit is that they’re having to deal with a strained system rather than blaming the client for their challenging behavior.

I ran into this yesterday, because there’s yet another change in staff hours, and yet the other support coordinator claimed everyone gets the attention they need. No, that’s not true, or it depends on how you define “need”. After all, most of us do mostly get our needs for physical care met, by which I mean we get dressed, showered and have something to eat. Most of us however are still routinely left to fend for ourselves when we’re struggling emotionally. I and the more challenging fellow client are the lucky exceptions to this rule. Even so, I would not call my care optimal. That isn’t going to happen and that’s sort of okay, but it makes a massive difference whether staff blame me or they blame the system. In other words, are we talking about things we as clients shouldn’t expect or things they cannot offer? The end result is the same, in that we have unmet care needs, but the latter is a lot more empathetic towards us.

Phones #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt for #SoCS is “phone”.

I’ve had an iPhone for just over seven years now. Before that, I had a sturdy regular cellphone. I once had the earliest model of a smartphone-like thing, a Nokia 6230i, but I could still only use it to make calls. I got it with my then new phone plan because I wanted to make use of a scheme by which cellphone calls would be charged landline fees. Remember, it was 2007, so cellphone rates were still very high and I didn’t have a landline. That is, I wanted to get one while living independently in Nijmegen but had just got it installed when I landed in crisis. I in fact had my home phone that I intended to use in my apartment with me when I was hospitalized.

The reason I could only make calls with a phone that was almost a smartphone, is the fact that it didn’t have MobileSpeak, the earliest excuse for a phone screen reader, on it and it couldn’t get it installed even if I wanted to. I’m surprised at how things have changed. Then again, I really shouldn’t be surprised. Life progresses, after all.

My current iPhone, I use for all kinds of things, almost like a handheld computer. That is, not actually almost, really, since I don’t even take my iPhone with me when I leave my room. I really want to do that more, so that I can take pictures when I notice something interesting. Like the rainbow my staff saw a few days ago. I really wish I’d had my phone with me then.

Friday Feels (September 13, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m participating in Friday Feels. The idea is to answer three questions about the past week and share an F word related to it. The questions are:


  1. What made me happy?

  2. What made me sad?

  3. What made a difference?

F word

My F word for this week is “fall”. Last Saturday, it looked like summer wasn’t going to end anytime soon, since the daytime temperature reached 27°C. From this past Monday on though, the weather’s been considerably chillier and rainier. On Wednesday, the temperature didn’t even get above 14°C. Today is slightly less chilly, but the nights are truly getting colder.

What made me happy?

First, Chinese takeout for dinner on Monday to celebrate a fellow client’s birthday.

Second, a treat of one of my favorite biscuits with my afternoon coffee today.

Third, the fact that I was able to get the WiFi on my iPhone to work properly again here. It turned out that turning off a privacy setting on my phone for this particular network, solved the issue.

Last but certainly not least, swimming! On Wednesday, I heard that two of my fellow residents were going swimming at the institution pool that evening. Usually, about seven or eight residents go and it’s too overwhelming for me, but since there was another activity too, just these two guys were going. I took up the courage to ask my staff whether I could go too. It was amazing!

What made me sad?

I experienced a slight increase in bad memories over the past week. Mostly, they were manageable, which is why I’m not using the word “flashback” to describe them.

What made a difference?

There are several things that made a difference this week. First, the fact that one of my trusted staff returned from vacation this week. Most are still on holiday, so the next few weeks will be somewhat difficult still, but I managed this week.

Second, the weather, like I said, is very different and it made a difference, in that I could sleep under my weighted blanket without sweating excessively. This is important, because until now I thought something might be wrong with me. I guess not.

Third, the new agreement that staff will no longer unlock the door for me when I want to elope and will physically restrain me if necessary to keep me from for instance climbing over the fence. I saw the agreement on Tuesday and, though I still have some questions about it, I am for the most part relieved about it.