December 2023 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m early sharing my end-of-the-month reflections, because I’ll share a review of the entire year tomorrow or on Sunday and I just now felt inspired to write. As usual, I’m linking up with #WBOYC.

The month started out pretty good with my new, pretty much ideal day schedule having taken effect. I did worry slightly that it’d be taken away if I didn’t spend my every two-hour activity time slot in the afternoon actually working with polymer clay or doing some other long activity. Thankfully, so far, it’s not been changed.

Also early in the month, I started acting out a bit because I got assigned a temp worker due to a staffing rearrangement. I started constantly comparing myself to a client who doesn’t need to deal with temp workers. Finally though, I calmed down and asked my assigned staff to write in my signaling plan that staff focus on validating my feelings and needs rather than feeding my comparison trap.

In mid-December, I went on the lights tour (I called it “Christmas lights tour”, but it wasn’t actually specifically Christmassy) around town. I loved it but had to agree with the staff that going without my one-on-one wouldn’t have been an option.

Christmas itself was okay but overwhelming. My spouse and I spent Christmas day at my parents’, where my sister and her family were too. Dinner was a lot better than I expected. However, both my spouse and I were overwhelmed by my nieces and my spouse might’ve contracted whatever illness my sister was carrying (COVID, possibly).

We spent the afternoon after Christmas at my in-laws having a Christmassy lunch. I went for an hour-long walk with my mother-in-law that day.

Like I mentioned last week, the storm last week caused one of my institution staff to be hit by a falling tree. She unfortunately died. This was quite a scary experience to many people here, so I for one at least hardly went for walks all week. I finally found out how to check for weather warnings today, so was able to go on a walk (two, in fact) again. Thankfully, the areas with lots of trees now cannot be entered anyway.

I have been slightly more creative than I used to be over the past month. Stilll not as creative as I’d like to be, but I’m getting better. Projects included another polymer clay unicorn, a butterfly and a pineapple charm. Also a dolphin which hardly anyone sees as a dolphin. The worst insult it’s gotten is that it’s a mouse.

Polymer Clay Dolphin

In the health department, I did okay. I did gain 2kg over this past month, all within the last two weeks. However, I am still within the weight range I agreed upon with my dietitian and on the upper end of a healthy BMI. I did resolve to lose those 2kg eventually though, but it doesn’t have to be in two weeks.

I do have some pain in my lower abdomen. No UTI and a bladder scan was normal too. I guess that’s a positive thing.

Another positive thing, which I almost forgot to mention, is the fact that my one-on-one got renewed. Not just that, but the hours the agency had asked for, were granted. This means my care for now will definitely not be decreased, like I had feared. After all, until the renewal, the agency was paying for some hours itself and that couldn’t have lasted. Thankfully, the Care Office granted the full number of hours requested.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (December 23, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining in with the #WeekendCoffeeShare once again. As usual, I’ve had my last cup of coffee for the day. We didn’t have chips to go with my soft drink, as for some reason the person ordering our care home groceries had ordered far too little. We are also almost out of desserts and the next delivery of groceries won’t be till this coming Wednesday. It’s going to be a not so luxurious Christmas after all. Speak of first world problems. Let’s have a drink (thankfully I have lots of green tea, including coconut-flavored green tea) and a biscuit (I have cinnamon stars and stroopwafels in my cupboard) and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s usually uneventful here in the eastern Netherlands, but not so this week. Storm Pia actually hit us hard. In fact, on Thursday, the storm caused a tree to fall over on top of a side-by-side bike here on the cycling path that’s along institution grounds. The staff member steering the bike was hit so hard that she didn’t survive. The client had relatively minor injuries, but I’m pretty sure they’re traumatized for life. I don’t know the staff member myself, thankfully, but it was a warning sign not to go outside in the storm.

We’ve been experiencing heavy rain and wind all week except for Monday. Monday was actually a beautiful day. I went for a 5K walk with a staff member that day.

If we were having coffee, next I’d tell you about the stroopwafel cheesecake I made yesterday. I made it because my one-on-one got renewed, something I really hadn’t expected. The cake was extremely sweet and a calorie bomb as they say here but who cares? It was also delicious, after all.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I’ve really been feeling creatively motivated lately but have been struggling to put this motivation into action. As a result, I haven’t been doing much with my polymer clay lately. I’d really like to change that soon. I did order new clay, because I want to experiment with Cernit and also because some of my Fimo is too crumbly to condition without exerting enormous effort.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I did come up with the idea of using my two-hour activity time slot for cooking a simple meal for myself and my fellow clients. We could then reheat it in the oven or microwave when it’s dinnertime.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you my assigned staff asked me to think of goals for my upcoming care plan. He did say that these goals do not need to be all that drastic or anything and that simply having a meaningful life could be a goal in itself. I mean, my staff at the intensive support home have been pushing me to create independence-focused goals but I really don’t care for those given the discrepancy between the fact that technically my body still functions okay but due to overload tasks still cost me tons of energy. I mean what if staff and I set a goal for me to achieve a certain task and I physically achieve it in three months’ time, then staff will always expect me to do it independently because purely physically speaking I can. Then because it costs me tons of energy I’ll end up neglecting it if I don’t have supervision (ie. someone pushing me to do it) and we end up back at square one. And to be honest, I don’t want to have someone supervise my every task that I can do myself just so they can tell me to do it myself and push me far beyond my capacity limits in terms of energy.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you all that I’m looking to finally turn my room into an actual living space. I’m looking to buy some more furniture and also to possibly decorate it more. Currently, there’s a box full of junk in my room that I could really empty out. I mean, after I’ve finished my crisis signaling plan, because the folder from Raalte is in there. In its place, I’d like to put a second nightstand or small cabinet, so that I can put my claying supplies in there rather than in a box under my bed. I am also looking to put some poster on my wall, probably something not too weird. I mean, I originally wanted to go for a unicorn theme but that’d be all very flashy, which isn’t exactly my style.

Speaking of unicorns, I will be wearing a unicorn-themed Christmas hoodie this year, like last year. It’s a little on the big side now, but not too much so.

Hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (December 20, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Another Wednesday, yay! I’m joining in with the Wednesday HodgePodge. Here goes.

1. Did you do more talking or more listening yesterday? Was it by choice or by necessity?
Talking. Honestly, even though I’m an introvert, I talk more than I listen generally. Maybe that technically makes me an ambivert, who knows?

2. Are you a tea drinker? Hot, cold, or both? Flavored? What do you like in your tea? Do you make Christmas tea this time of year? What time of day do you like to sip your tea?
I’m more of a coffee lover but I do drink tea occasionally. Usually hot. I mostly drink plain green tea, although I like some flavored green teas too, like coconut or cranberry. Nothing in my tea please. I’ve never made Christmas teas and have no idea what makes a tea specifically a Christmas tea. I usually drink my tea in the afternoon or evening.

3. What’s an activity you won’t try, an event you won’t attend, or an athletic challenge you won’t take part in not even for “all the tea in China”?
Marathon running. That is, most likely I will never run more than 100m at all and that can barely be considered running.

4. What’s something most people seem to love but is not “your cup of tea”?
Starbucks. And yes, I thought of that before I’d read Joyce’s answer. Like I said before, I went there twice and thought I sort of liked it the first time (because everyone apparently does). The second time though, both I and my spouse decided we definitely weren’t coming back.

Oh and romance novels. I am not sure whether I haven’t found the right kind yet but I think they’re all horribly cheesy, shallow and predictable, and it’s not like I need lots of twists in a book otherwise.

5. How does your family celebrate New Year’s Eve?
Uhm, we don’t? That is, as far as I know my spouse isn’t expecting me to come to our house for the occasion. Last year, though I did spend New Year’s Eve in Lobith, we went to bed before midnight.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I want to share some good news: my one-on-one got renewed! I don’t know any details yet, but according to my staff everything will stay the same with respect to my care.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (December 16, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I last joined in with Natalie’s #WeekendCoffeeShare, so here goes. I already had my last coffee for the day and had my weekend soft drink (yay, we still got Dubbelfrisss!) too. I bet you could still get a cup of tea though. That is, I’ve had some later in the evening here. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I bought a new iPhone last week. I bought the SE 3rd gen. I had originally intended on buying the 15, but that costs like €1000 and I would probably get annoyed with the lack of touchID and a home button. Besides, it’d be a greater risk of being stolen. Still, to be honest, I am slightly disappointed with the battery life of the one I got and had wanted the 15 for its great camera features. Of course, I myself can’t take good pictures at all, but I would’ve loved to have a device that can make them. All that being said, I’m pretty sure the pros of the one I got outweigh the cons.

My spouse bought me a lilac case for it. It’s a little on the thick and rigid side, honestly, so I might want to replace it eventually. I still have my old phone’s case, which the new one fits into too, but I don’t feel like I could in my right mind switch them up. That would be unfair to my spouse.

If we were having coffee, I’d ttell you that I joined the Christmas lights tour in my town yesterday. Originally, the staff hadn’t thought of inviting me and, since it wouldn’t end till 8PM and my one-on-one leaves at 7:30, they were saying I could walk an alternative route with my one-on-one. I was disappointed and tried to say I could walk independently alongside the others just fine and didn’t need my one-on-one. The way I had imagined it the staff would be pushing a wheelchair that I’d hold onto too. As it turned out, the wheelchair users were pushed by volunteers and one staff would need to watch the entire group of ambulatory clients, including me, if I didn’t get my one-on-one. Thankfully though, my assigned staff, who did my one-on-one till 7:30, offered to stay half an hour longer to be able to allow me to participate too. Normally, I’d have to pay like €30 for those 30 minutes of extra one-on-one – not that staff actually earn €60/hour, so don’t ask me why -, but he said he’d find another way.

Along the tour, there were various points where people had decorated their houses or front yards with Christmas lights and some had left Christmas lights along the pavement. We also came by my former support coordinator’s house. You know, the one from the intensive support home, the woman one who was my original support coordinator there. She no longer works for my care agency. Anyway, we were actually instructed to come into her garden, where she was toasting marshmallows and handing out hot cocoa. I initially didn’t recognize her even though I knew she lives in this town and the instructions mentioned her first name. She said, “think [intensive support home],” and then I realized who she was. She asked me how I was doing at my current home (she knew where I’d moved). I said very cheerily that I was doing well and liked it here. I also told her that I found out about the move through my current assigned staff E-mailing my mother-in-law wanting to know my preference for the paint on my wall. “Oh, that wasn’t fun,” she said. “In fact, that was fun,” I replied.

At the end of the tour, we got fries. That was so cool!

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d report that I finally disclosed about my possible dissociative symptoms to one of my staff yesterday. She said she’d seen some of my alters, contrary to what my assigned staff says. Maybe what he’s looking for is me calling myself by different names, which I don’t do unless I really trust someone. I’m trying to maintain the status quo as to whether I/we actually have DID or not, in the sense that it’d be much easier for treatment purposes if we didn’t but then again the parts, whatever you’d call them, are there whether I want it or not.

It’s Not About Them #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

Lately, I’ve fallen back into the habit of comparing the care I get or don’t get to that which another client gets. I did it with the full-time one-on-one client at my previous home too and it got so far that I ended up calling her derogatory names for getting what I felt I needed. Which, for clarity’s sake, wasn’t full-time one-on-one, but to have staff not leave me during my assigned one-on-one hours for every little thing. And more importantly, I felt it was unfair that she was assigned familiar staff 100% of the time while I got stuck with the temp workers most of the time.

This same issue is what’s at stake again now, since there’s another one-on-one (not sure it’s full-time) client here who doesn’t need to deal with temp workers. I didn’t mind this at all until one day earlier this week, the staff schedule got turned upside down to accommodate him and as a result I got stuck with a temp worker who was here for the first time.

This illustrates my point: I don’t care what others get. It’s not about them, it’s about me.

To solve my unfairly comparing myself to others and falling into an endless trap of what others have or do to “deserve” the care I feel I need, I am going to ask my assigned staff to write up a note saying that staff not engage in arguments about other clients’ care. For clarity’s sake, this is not the same as saying “No arguing, I’m leaving”, like the staff were originally told to do at the slightest opposition from me regardless of topic. Rather, I’d like the staff to listen to me and validate my feelings regarding my unmet needs. After all, to me, it doesn’t matter what someone else gets or doesn’t get, but when my care is compromised, I feel bad.

This post was written for today’s Stream of Consciousness Saturday, for which the prompt is “to me”. I realize I didn’t make the phrase central to my piece, but this was what popped into my mind.

November 2023 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the end of November, so I am joining #WBOYC and reflecting on the past month. Can you believe we’re almost in 2024? Ten more years and everything will be okay, as I always say (or WWIII will be started, as the book I used for inspiration for that claim says). Anyway, let’s wrap up November.

It started with the meeting on how I’ve been adjusting to my current care home on November 6. This meeting went okay. At first, I was a bit disappointed in my assigned staff’s attitude. I honestly still am to an extent. However, I’m trying to believe the staff are doing their best to help me.

The new application for one-on-one support was sent out the following week. I only heard some superficial bits and pieces of what went onto it, so I’m still very much stressed out about the possible outcome. It doesn’t help that my now old day schedule was used as a reference to base my necessary hours upon, which I’m pretty sure the Care Office are going to be very critical of, as was I.

Thankfully, at least for another 31 days, I’ll now have my revised day schedule. It started on Monday and I’m thrilled about it. Please, all pray or send out positive vibes or whatever you do for the necessary one-on-one to be approved for next year too.

I also worked on my crisis signaling plan with my assigned staff. This led to a major surprise, and not a good one: it turned out my original support coordinator from the intensive support home had significantly changed my plan without my knowledge or consent. I knew right as my assigned staff read me what staff are supposed to do when I’m asleep (the first phase talked about in the plan) during the day, ie. let me sleep and wait for me to leave my room rather than check on me periodically. Since my former support coordinator hadn’t altered the date and names of the people writing the plan, it still looked as though my staff from the care home in Raalte had written it though. I however was adamant that this was not the plan I’d agreed upon.

My assigned staff initially tried to dissuade me from focusing on this and seemed to disbelieve me, until I went and fetched the manila folder I had with my old day schedule and, yep, my old plan from Raalte. He tried to tell me they looked similar, but this was only when referring to the signs of the different phases, not the staff’s expected actions.

Unfortunately, my old support coordinator no longer works for this care agency, or I’d have filed a complaint against her. Oh well, my current assigned staff erased the evidence by editing the name and date to his and November 2023 and saving the document, after we’d indeed worked some on it. I am honestly extremely mistrusting of everyone here now that I know of this. I mean, all staff say that this home isn’t the intensive support home, but how do I know it’s different?

In the creative department, I haven’t really been as active as I’d have liked, but I did okay. I crafted a gnome out of polymer clay and most recently a Santa, both without the use of a tutorial. I also wrote some creative pieces, which I intend to do more of in December and in the new year.

Health-wise, I wasn’t as good to myself as I could’ve been. I really snacked far too much. The thing is, I still didn’t gain any weight, and am currently at the lowest point I agreed upon with my dietitian, weighing 56kg. It wasn’t that I over-exercised either, as I didn’t meet my movement goal on my Apple Watch several times this past month (and my movement goal is only 300 active calories, so you know).

I finally did get my support coordinator’s attention re the possibility that I might be experiencing cognitive decline. She’s going to ask the behavior specialist for some screening instruments for self-help skills or whatever. Sadly, these haven’t been administered to me before, so this is going to be my baseline really.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (November 29, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s been four weeks since I last participated in the Wednesday HodgePodge, so I thought I’d join in again. For those who don’t know what it is, the Wednesday HodgePodge is an opportunity for bloggers to answer a diverse selection of questions. Here goes.

1. Does anybody really know what day it is? Last week we skipped the Hodgepodge and I just assumed this week would find us in December, but nope. Still November. Do you wear a watch? Use a paper calendar or strictly electronic? What’s your favorite hour of the day? Why?
Well, usually I know what day it is without looking it up, but I was confused yesterday too. I told my staff, when she was looking up who would be working today, to look at the 28th. Nope though, it’s the 29th already.

I do wear a watch, ie. my Apple Watch. I bought it primarily for its activity tracking purposes, but honestly now I find myself using it as a timekeeping device too. In fact, my assigned staff at my former home said I’d keep track of staff’s whereabouts by the second. That wasn’t true, but oh well.

My favorite hour of the day is probably 8PM, as that’s when I’m most energetic. I am currently writing this blog post around that time.

2. Tell us something about how you celebrated the Thanksgiving holiday.
I didn’t. It’s not a thing here in the Netherlands. I did want to benefit from Black Friday, which is a thing (of course, since companies benefit from it ultimately), but when ordering something online that day, had forgotten to check the store’s newsletter whether they had any coupon codes.

3. What’s a sound you hate to hear?
Where to even get started? The vacuum cleaner and lawn mower come to mind now as most common sounds I hate, but I am generally very sound sensitive. Oh wait, a particularly annoying sound is people whistling.

4. Where do you not mind waiting?
Uhm, nowhere. I’m not very patient and can’t handle long periods of nothingness.

5. I really wish____________________________________.
That my one-on-one gets approved real soon.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I’m having a nasty cold. Or maybe it’s COVID, since I didn’t get tested. I doubt it though, since I’m still at roughly the same fitness level I was last week. That is, my cardio fitness level according to my Apple Watch has decreased, but it isn’t like I can no longer go for 45-minute walks.

Sunny Sunday (November 26, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m feeling all over the place. It’s been like this for most of the week. I’ve been struggling with lots of unfamiliar staff sent out to do my support and my day schedule being screwed up for various reasons. However, I’m going to focus on the positive. I’m joining in with Sunny Sunday. Like Leigha, I am going to focus on the things I’m grateful for, from the general to the specific. I am using Maslow’s hierarchy of needs as a guide.

1. Physiological needs: Food. Particularly, the fact that we had French fries yesterday (oh wait, that’s not a need). My relatively good physical health. A roof over my head.

2. Safety needs: my financial security. The fact that my staff did try to get me a familiar staff person for my one-on-one at least part of the time (although it was after I’d had an outburst).

3. Love and belonging needs: my spouse, who phoned me this evening despite having a headache. A visit from my mother-in-law on Tuesday.

4. Esteem needs: my new day schedule, which will take effet tomorrow, giving me more time to engage in activities I enjoy. Well, technically it’s not more time in total, but the day schedule is less cut up into small parts, so I’ll have a larger time slot in the afternoon for something like polymer clay.

5. Self-actualization needs: renewed motivation for actually doing something creative. It hasn’t yet formed into something concrete, but I’m working on that.

What are you happy about?

#WeekendCoffeeShare (November 18, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I have barely touched the blog lately, but it’s not because I’ve been uninspired. Rather, I’ve mostly been doing other things online. Before I abandon it altogether, I thought I’d write a post though. I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. I’ve had my last cup of coffee for the day, but thankfully my assigned staff ordered my favorite soft drink, apple and peach-flavored Dubbelfrisss, so I’ll have that in a bit. If you’d like one too, join me. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been raining all day today and, though we were supposed to have a daytime high of 12°C, I don’t know when that was supposed to have been the case as it’s been around 7°C each time I looked at the weather on my Apple Watch. I haven’t been outside at all. I mean, I can bear the cold, but rain, yuck! I can tolerate it when it starts raining midway through a walk, but when it rains as I leave the house, I usually turn right around. Consequently, I didn’t meet my movement goal on my Apple Watch today at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure I hit an all-time low, but frankly, I don’t care.

The rest of the week, though we had some rain, it wasn’t constantly pouring. Though some days I needed to get out my winter coat, most days the daytime temperature wasn’t too cold either.

If we were having coffee, I’d cheat a little and tell you all about the meeting I had last week with my assigned staff, support coordinator, behavior specialist and my mother-in-law. Okay, who said you can only talk about the past week during a weekend coffee share? Maybe I did. Anyway, the meeting started out with my assigned staff complimenting me on how I do accept men and unfamiliar staff now. This rubbed me the wrong way, as the day prior he’d pretty much given me no choice, so what was I to do? I’ll see tomorrow whether they’ll go the full length and assign me a male staff for my ADLs (which is a big no for me), as then the female staff who normally always assigns me temp workers is working the morning shift with a male temp worker. Said temp worker is familiar with everyone here, but I am honestly quite sure she’s going to assign him to me for my morning routine anyway. Let me just say I’m going to throw a big hissy fit if this happens.

Other than that, the meeting went okay. We talked about my day schedule, which is okay in terms of how many hours of support I get but far from ideal in terms of how it’s cut up into small blocks. Since my ExtraCare (one-on-one) funding hasn’t been approved yet for next year, we’re waiting to see what happens to that to change anything. I’m pretty fearful the Care Office doesn’t consider every single moment the staff spend with me as ExtraCare, as, well, it isn’t, but the manager does. Oh well, we’ll see.

We also talked about my wish to start therapy again for my trauma-related symptoms. Upon further thought, I realized I need to work on stabilizing first before I start EMDR or whatnot. The behavior specialist is going to write an application. I am also going to work with my assigned staff on my signaling plan, which details how I can best be supported during each phase of emotional (dys)regulation.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share about my dietitian’s appt on Wednesday. It went pretty well. I am currently at a healthy weight and within the weight range I agreed upon with her. She did finally admit she doesn’t know why I’m not gaining weight when I’m having quite a lot of food in excess of my food plan. I honestly currently have far too many other things on my mind to care about this too. I mean, yes, I’m scared, but I’m scared for a lot of other reasons too.

How have you been?

In an Ideal World

Posted on by Astrid

In an ideal world…
I’d get all the care I needed,
From all staff I trusted.

I’d be able to engage
In activities I enjoy-
Crafting, baking, walking, swimming.
Without a care in the world.

I’d live closer to my spouse
If not together.

Sigh…
In an ideal world…

This post was written for Sammi’s Weekend Writing Prompt, which this week is “ideal”. I realize that my dreams for an ideal world are a bit childish and rather self-centered. The piece was based on the thing I at one point told staff at my old home: that, in an ideal world, I’d get one-on-one all day long. This isn’t actually true, since I need alone time to read and blog and phone my spouse, for instance. However, I do feel there are ways in which my care could be improved. Some of them might be realistic, while others fall into the category of “in an ideal world”.