Precious Memories of My Father

Hi everyone. Today in her Sunday Poser, Sadje asks us to share our most precious memory of our father or the father figure in our life.

My father was a homemaker and my and my sister’s primary caretaker when we were children. As such, he, rather than my mother, was the one I’d see when I came home from school.

As a child, I took very much after my father, but now I have very mixed feelings about our relationship. My father is intelligent and he knows it. He also knows that I am intelligent and he feels that this somehow negates all my problems. In his opinion, all people who disagree with him, particularly those in the helping professions, are stupid.

Because my father and I are both intelligent, my father did encourage my cognitive development from an early age. This is evident in my different response to my parents when prompting me, for example. There’s this Dutch nursery rhyme that goes: “One, two, three, four, paper hat, paper hat.” Whenever my mother chanted: “One, two, three, four…”, I’d reply with “paper hat”. When my father chanted the same though, I’d reply with “five!”.

this is not a direct memory I have of my father though, as I was too young to form actual, verbal memories when this happened. I do remember, however, my father teaching me math when I was about seven. He would show me square calculation by using computer chips that were square-shaped. He’d lay them in a row of, say, three, then lay them in a square of three by three and explain that this is a square calculation. (The Dutch word for the square calculation and the shape isn’t the same, so I had to follow an extra step.) Similarly, he’d explain squareroots by doing the reverse.

We would also spend long evenings looking at his world atlas to see where different countries and other geographic areas were located. I still had enough vision to, with some difficulty, follow his finger along the maps.

When I got older, I had to catch up on reading, as this was one of my weaker subjects, mostly because I didn’t like the fact that I had to read Braille. My father encouraged me, well more like forced me, to do extra reading at home. One memory I have is of me reading Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland in Dutch when I was about eleven. To show me that he, too, was taking up a challenge, he read the book in its original English. I am currently listening to the audiobook in English on Apple Books.

In short, my father nurtured my intellectual side. Currently, I much more value my creative side, which my mother nurtured (a little). Still, my memories of doing academics with my father are mostly good.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (December 18, 2021)

Hi everyone on this cloudy Saturday afternoon. It’s been a few weeks since I joined in with #WeekendCoffeeShare, so I thought I’d link up again. As I’m starting this post, I haven’t yet had my afternoon coffee. I’m going to take a break for that when I finish this paragraph, so if you’d like a cup yourself, I can get you one too. We have an assortment of cookies and may still have a few mini Mars candy bars left too. Let’s have a cup of coffee and let’s talk.

If we were having coffee, first I’d tell you I had a good talk with the behavior specialist on Monday. We discussed a few things, including my desire to be made aware of the contents of the paperwork that went to the authorities deciding on my one-on-one. Those visiting just for the Coffee Share won’t know this, but it got approved for two more years to come, yay! However, I’d still like to know what was said about me, just because it’s about me.

We also discussed my food issues, for which a referral has finally been made to the dietitian. I really hope the dietitian can help me get some clarity on what (not) to eat during the day, because currently every opportunity to eat is an opportunity for inner conflict and chaos. Finally, we discussed my wish for a physical day planner using Braille-labeled activity cards to choose from.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that the blindness agency came by on Thursday to lend us a Braille label writer and several pairs of colored NoIR filter glasses (special sunglasses for those with low vision). I will be trying out the sunglasses over the coming weeks and will be using the label writer to type up the aforementioned activity cards.

If we were having coffee, I’d moan about my adaptive footwear again. Shoe Guy finally decided my orthopedic shoes aren’t fitting and can’t be made fitting, so he’s going to make me new ones all over again. He finally brought back my new walking shoes, that my husband bought me a few months ago. Now though, my left arch support insole got a bump in it that I can’t get out of it. Bottom line: I still can’t walk comfortably! Ugh!

If we were having coffee, I’d end on a positive note by telling you about all the creative work I’ve been doing over the past couple of days. I made some lovely polymer clay charms on Thursday based on tutorials I saw on YouTube. Can you guess what the below charm is supposed to be? Facebook’s automatic alt text guessed it correctly!

I also made a Christmas tree and snowman out of polymer clay. This evening, I’m going to add both to a larger mixed media Christmas ornament. Lastly, I finally decided to save my scrap clay rather than throw it away. I made some randomly-colored beads out of it yesterday.

How have you been?

My Hands #SoCS

Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (#SoCS) is “body parts”. I could of course write about how I’m scared for my abdominal X-ray this coming Tuesday and share all the details about my tummy ailments, but I’m not going to. After all, Lindda has asked us to warn our fellow SoCS participants if a post is NSFW and I generally don’t write that type of posts on my blog anyway. So, I’m going with another body part: my hands.

After all, what’s been worrying me most is that my abdominal complaints will be something serious, like cancer or the like. And if they’re cancer, that I’ll die. Or need to go on chemo. And if I’d need to go on chemo, I’d lose my nails. Not that I mind my nails that much in the sense that I like to polish them or whatever. I bite them like crazy, in fact. But I’d like to keep the function of my fingers please. So, with those scary thoughts out of the way (I hope writing them down doesn’t make them come true), I’m going to write about why I appreciate my hands.

Some staff say I have piano fingers. I can’t play the piano to save my life, but what they mean is that my fingers are relatively long and thin. I like that. They allow me to type on my laptop keyboard with relative ease. I used to make a lot of typeos. Not anymore. I don’t know why.

My fingers also allow me to read Braille. I don’t read traditional Braille books or paper anymore, but I do read a lot on my Braille display. If I lost my nails, I’m pretty sure I’d no longer be able to read braille, because, well, even if I could still feel the Braille dots with my fingertips (assuming they wouldn’t need to be covered in band aids or something), I guess my Braille display wouldn’t like all the stuff coming from my exposed nailbeds. Oh, is that NSFW?

Besides my fingers, my hands allow me to touch all kinds of textures. I love my large collection of stuffed animals, all with their different feels to their fur. I also love my two fleece blankets, one I got in my Christmas package from my old day center and one the day activities group with the sensory room bought for me so I had my own blanket to cover myself when going into it.

One exercise I used to do when trying to stay present when I’d often dissociate (not that I don’t dissociate anymore, but I find it harder to do the exercise), is to touch various objects in my surroundings and describe them as objectively as I can. Then, after I’ve named some characteristics of the object, I name the object itself.

My hands allow me to hold onto my white cane and onto someone’s arm when walking. I might find a way to walk sighted guide if I lost my hand function, but I still appreciate my hands for what they do for me now.

What do you like about your hands?

Lifelong Learning

I discovered 10 on the 10th last month, but didn’t feel like joining in at the time. Yesterday, a new edition went live and the topic is lifelong learning in honor of back-to-school season. I’m joining in today, as I loved the questions. Here goes.

1. How old were you when you started school? Did you attend pre-kinder and/or kinder or go straight into first grade?
I started in preschool at age three and in Kindergarten at age four. Here in the Netherlands, Kindergarten takes two years, although the first year (when children are four) wasn’t mandatory back in my day. It is now.

2. Were you a good student? What was your favorite subject?
In terms of academic performance, I was above-average in most subjects once I was properly educated. I added that last bit because, at my first special education school for the visually impaired, where I attended first till third grade, I was a little behind in reading and writing due to several factors. These included poor teaching and the fact that I didn’t start learning Braille till second grade, so had to pretty much start over learning to read and write then.

In terms of behavior, I did okay. I am autistic (undiagnosed at the time), so I did have my challenges, but I wasn’t the type to stir up trouble in school on purpose.

My favorite subject was math for most of elementary school and my first year in secondary school. Then, once I was mainstreamed at a high level high school and math became one of my hardest subjects, I started to like languages more. At the end of secondary school, my favorite subject was English.

3. As a child, did you take music lessons? Or play a sport? Do you still play an instrument now?
No, not at all! Contrary to the stereotype of blind people, I’m not musically-talented at all. Neither am I good at sports. I did attend a children’s choir for some years though, but mostly just hummed along.

4. Did you attend any kind of training or classes beyond high school? If so, what did you study? Did you wind up working in a profession or job for which those classes or training prepared you?
I went to college for one year to study applied psychology and to university for two months to study linguistics. I did get my foundation (first year certificate) in applied psychology, but didn’t get any credits in the linguistics program. Oh, I did take some classes at Open University (psychology once again) in 2009. I don’t need any education for what I do now (day activities for the disabled).

5. Have you taken any personal growth or adult education classes for fun? During the year that was Covid, did you home school, learn a new app to work from home, teach yourself to do something you might have paid someone else to do for you?
Uhm, not really. I am mostly self-taught where it comes to crafts and stuff. I would really like to take some classes in maybe crafting or writing someday, but not sure.

6. What would you like to learn how to do that you don’t know how to do already?
Right now, obviously I’d like to learn more crafting techniques, particularly polymer clay.

7. Name something that you learned easily. Then name something that was a struggle for you to learn to do.
As a child, reading print came easily to me. I taught myself to read at about age five. Reading Braille, on the other hand, was a struggle, mostly because I didn’t accept the fact that I was going blind.

8. What’s the last thing you remember learning? What kind of learner are you: visual, auditory, hands-on/kinesthetic, verbal, logical/mathematical?
The last thing I learned was moving a polymer clay slab from the work surface without distorting its shape (too much). I am probably a mix of a kinetic/hands-on and a verbal learner. I don’t do well with spoken instructions though. Rather, I need to read them.

9. Hard to teach an old dog new tricks, school of hard knocks, pass with flying colors, learn by heart, burn the midnight oil, pull an all-nighter, play hooky – which of these expression best fits your life lately? Why?
Pull an all-nighter, I guess. I’m often up late hyperfocusing on my latest obsession (currently polymer clay) and learning new things about it.

10. What is something you’ve learned from past mistakes?
To follow my own plan rather than relying on what others want me to do. As regular readers may know, I suffered autistic burnout in 2007 when at university trying to live on my own. This was what my parents wanted me to do. I ended up in the psych hospital only to be kicked out 9 1/2 years later almost with no after care even though I had hardly improved, only because I’d met my husband and my psychologist figured that if I was married I should be able to live with him. I didn’t cope and thankfully successfully fought for long-term care. This has been the best decision of my life.

What have you been learning recently?

#IWSG: Quit Writing?

IWSG

Hi everyone. It’s the first Wednesday of the month and this means it’s time for the Insecure Writer’s Support Group (#IWSG) to meet again. I’m more than happy to report that I didn’t get booted for my flaky post last month.

I’m feeling quite motivated to write as of late. It’s still mostly regular posts on this blog, but that’s okay. I know, I know, I resolve each month to expand my writing horizons by doing more poetry and fiction writing. I’m also resolving this time to set some time aside for a daily freewriting session in the app Day One. My yearly subscription payment is due at the end of the month and I haven’t made use of it in a while, so now’s the time to get back into things.

Now on to this month’s optional question: what would make you quit writing? Seriously? I guess my death or the loss of my hand function, though if I lost the ability to type, I could possibly still dictate my writings. That being said, I’ve always said that loss of hand and particularly finger function would majorly impair my quality of life, since it’d not just mean an inability to type, but an inability to read Braille as well.

I have had times when I’ve taken a break from blogging and occasionally even writing in general. The longest I’ve gone without blogging since I got an Internet connection has been six months in like 2012. Since I started this blog nearly three years ago, not a week has gone by that I didn’t write at least one blog post.

Even before I had a blog, I had a diary and wrote tons of short stories and attempts at young adult novels. I honestly don’t think that, even if I ever were to stop blogging, I’d really stop writing for myself.

What would make you quit writing?

Braille Display #WotW

Hi all! What a week it’s been! From frustration to complete panic and back to relief, all because of my Braille display. That’s my word of the week for this week. Let me share why.

Like I’ve shared a couple of times before, I’ve had problems with my current Braille display ever since I first got it two years ago. Dots kept getting stuck, leading to errors in my reading. After all, Braille characters are comprised of at most eight (for computer Braille) dots in a rectangular cell. When, say, dot four is stuck, an A reads like a C or vice versa. It’s workable as long as it’s just one or two dots that are stuck out of the forty times eight dots on my forty-cell Braille display. However, at one point several dots in one cell were stuck, meaning that one was essentially useless.

After a technician had come out to repair my Braille display several times, he sent it back to the manufacturer for checking out in June of last year. I got a replacement on loan until it’d been fixed, which never happened.

Fast forward to last Sunday. When not one, but two or three dots were stuck on my Braille display, I decided I’d had enough and wanted it fixed. Either that or I wanted the original one back. I E-mailed the company, also asking what I could do to prevent dots getting stuck again. On Monday, I got a relatively generic response: other than not touching my Braille display with wet or dirty hands, there was nothing I could do. Well, I always make sure my hands are clean and dry before touching my Braille display. On Tuesday, the company’s repair planning called me to schedule an appt to get the thing repaired today.

Then on Wednesday, the company’s business developer called me to inform me that they’d found that my original Braille display – remember, the one that was with them or the manufacturer for a year -, had suffered water damage. All 40 cells needed replacing at a cost of €1500. Health insurance wouldn’t pay for this. Maybe home insurance would or I’d have to pay out-of-pocket.

I decided that, if I had to spend €1500 anyway, I’d be looking at getting another brand of Braille display, since I don’t trust my current one. I mean, I always handle my Braille display with care and not just the original one, but the replacement one too had problems. I actually got a little excited looking at what’s available, but at the same time quite panicked at the prospect of having to spend at least €1500 in one go. I’ve literally never made purchases over €1000.

Yesterday evening, I got an E-mail confirming the appt for repair of the replacement Braille display. I panicked again, since what if they decided I’d somehow ruined this one too or I got a huge bill after it got repaired?

Today, my husband called the business developer. He had seen the photos of the so-called water-damaged original Braille display, which the guy argued proved that I had somehow ruined it. Well, my husband argued that, since they’d had it for at least as long as I had originally had it, there was no way to prove it didn’t get water-damaged or anything while with them. Since I have no recollection of it getting wet at all, there is no way home insurance is going to cover a repair. In fact, they’d too argue that there’s no way the company can prove it isn’t their fault. The bottom line is I can keep the replacement Braille display, it would get repaired and I won’t have to pay. The technician who came out to replace the cells that had damaged dots, confirmed that it hadn’t been anything I had done causing this one to malfunction. Now, at least until/unless more dots get stuck on this one, I’m so relieved and happy! To be honest though, I’m so used to dots being stuck that I keep checking I’m reading my Braille display correctly. That’s okay though. Now let’s think of what I can spend those €1500 on. No, not really.

Word of the Week linky