Polymer Clay Makes Me Smile #WeeklySmile

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m still struggling with attachment issues and, to make matters worse, my assigned staff went on sick leave just after I told her how intensely I was struggling. I can’t shake the thought that it’s my fault, no matter how many times the other staff say that it isn’t. I do try to focus on the positive and stay as active as I can be though. Today, I’m participating in Trent’s #WeeklySmile. I’m also joining in, a day late, with Sunny Sunday. That way, I’m spreading the word about these two positive prompts while sharing things that made me smile.

Well, most of the things that made me smile over the weekend have to do with polymer clay. First, on Saturday, I started on a bunch of earrings that I am not 100% sure with what to do with them yet. Currently, they’re mostly just green cutter earrings (or really earrings-to-be, as I haven’t added the findings yet) with no design or whatever, but it was fun working with my cutters anyway.

One thing I did discover today while trying to finish one pair of earings, is that you can actually sand the top of earrings, that is, the side that will be visible when wearing them. I actually achieved great results sanding a pair of earrings with finer sandpaper (starting at 400 grit then 600 then 800 then 1000). Until now, I always thought that the side with the design on was pretty much as is, because you’d sand off the design. Granted, my trial pair were just green with no design, but my next pair will have a design on them.

The next thing that made me smile is discovering yet another great shop for clay cutters, texture rollers, silkscreens, etc. Another thing that made me smile was reading up on some simple earring projects on one shop’s website. I honestly think I’d love to try these out. It’s my birthday in a little over three weeks, so I really hope I’ll get some new things from one of those sites.

I really should get some display materials soon, as I don’t feel comfortable showing my earrings while wearing them myself and some of them are gifts too.

This new hyperfixation really makes me so excited. It’s part of polymer clay in general, of course, which I’m into already. This means I feel less like a failure if this thing doesn’t work out. At least it means only part of a hobby isn’t suitable for me. But I hope it is.

Creativity: How I Have Evolved As a Creative Over the Years #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s late once again as I get to my letter C post. I don’t tend to think up my topics in advance. Same with this one. It actually popped up in my mind several minutes ago and here I am writing about my creative journey. Okay, I did my entire #AtoZChallenge of 2022 on creativity so am pretty sure I covered this topic already, but let’s do a repeat in that case.

I am not very imaginative. Like I said on Monday, I most likely have aphantasia. This combined with blindness and my other disabilities doesn’t make me all that great of an artist. And yet, I love to create!

In childhood, I’d often draw dresses and other fashion items, pretending I was a fashion designer. I lost the vision needed to draw around age 12 and, even though my drawing teacher found me paper that would create raised lines when drawing on it, I also hardly drew anything beyond stick figures in boxes from then on. Don’t ask me about their meaning – yes, I know they meant something, but for the life of me I can’t remember what.

I didn’t craft or create art again until my mid-twenties. Then I started card making. Over the next five years followed at least a dozen other crafts. And now, I’m stuck on polymer clay, although to be honest I don’t use the medium nearly as often as I used to.

Creativity can, of course, also involve the written word. I wrote stories from a young age on. I started out writing fiction and the occasional poem. Now, I almost exclusively write blog posts.

I must admit, as I think back on my creative journey, that my level of imaginativeness has probably declined over the years and I didn’t always experience aphantasia. Not that I ever had a rich inner world. Well, that is, I have and always had a strong inner monologue (or inner cacaphony, in fact) and could probably describe an inner world in words, but I couldn’t visually imagine it at all.

I think this lack of imaginativeness is the reason I write personal blog posts mostly and craft mostly realistic figures or things from tutorials. I mean, of course a unicorn isn’t real, but I almost literally copied my style of unicorns from a tutorial. Realizing this makes me feel really sad.

January 2024 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the last day of January, so I’m reflecting back on the past month. This month was rather eventful but slow-going at the same time. Christmas sounds like centuries ago. As usual, for my monthly reflections, I’m linking up with What’s Been on Your Calendar? (#WBOYC).

The month started out rather positively with me being full of energy, new hope and inspiration. Indeed, I did create some cool new polymer clay things over the past month, including a Valentine’s frog. That one now stands on a Valentine’s Day-themed (well, kind of) table in the living room of the other side of the home.

Polymer Clay Valentines Day Frog

I also crafted the cat I showed you all earlier, a penguin, a rabbit and a few things that I might be turning into earrings at some point.

Last week, I also cooked rice and chicken for myself and my fellow residents. This was great.

Early in the month, I didn’t have many visitors due to various circumstances, but thankfully I was able to see my spouse twice this month anyway. I also saw my mother-in-law twice, on the 16th because it was every-other-Tuesday (we’d skipped the 2nd because I was sick) and last Monday because I had my care plan review.

This care plan review probably warrants its own post, since it was a lot to process. Midway through the month some issues that I’ve been having with my assigned staff, that I can’t go into here, came to a point where I was greatly struggling too. This and some other things, including the fact that I frankly don’t do as well with male staff as I do with female staff, have led me to request another assigned staff. Whether this can happen, I’m not yet sure of, but I hope so. Thankfully, I do have my support coordinator, with whom I do get along.

A week and a half ago, she and I finally finished my new crisis signaling plan. This has yet to be brought under the attention of all staff and even then, staff have to be willing to follow it.

Last week, a staff not being willing to follow this plan, led to me having a massive meltdown. More specifically, I spiraled out of control because the staff assigned me a temp worker for the late shift, while that entire day there were no staff I sort of trust except for one and she, contrary to what’s in my plan, refused to come over for just five minutes. I was a horrible person to her and the other staff and there’s no justifying that, but it’s sad to realize that her coming over for just five minutes might’ve prevented an evening-long meltdown.

Over the past week, I’ve generally been struggling with all the staff changes, changes to my one-on-one for various reasons and general chaos. I feel, truthfully, like I’m swimming in the North Sea again, as I explained it at my care plan review. The way I explained it then, when I was in Raalte in late 2021, it was like swimming at the shallow end of the pool as far as support went. And, while, like every toddler that needs to learn to swim having their days when they resist the water, I had my bad days, they weren’t due to poor support. Then, the first male staff and, later, some temp workers were introduced to me and I had to endure the odd day when I didn’t get my allocated one-on-one. I struggled massively with this challenge and this was the main reason I decided to move. Then, at the intensive support home, I was thrown right into the Pacific Ocean: a day schedule that was rather stupid, constant staff changes, me always being assigned the new temp worker, etc. Now, on good days, I feel like I’m swimming in a calm lake and, on bad days, I feel like I’m swimming in the North Sea. And then there are those really good days when I feel like I’m back in the pool. Those are the days I’m supported by my “favorites”, as my assigned staff calls them. And just so you know, just because I survived my previous home, doesn’t mean I coped or can cope with the current chaos of my home. Yes, it’s better than it was, but that doesn’t mean it’s good. I try to be understanding of the fact that everyone faces staff shortages, temp workers, etc., but honestly, listening to all the “everyone has to give a little” wears me down.

Finding My Crafty Tribe #JusJoJan

Posted on by Astrid

I first started out crafting as an adult in 2012. Back then, it was card making. Well, let me tell you, picking that craft wasn’t the wisest choice I could’ve made. I’m not saying blind people cannot do card making per se, but I for one could not. And, even though at first I was supported in the process by my fellow card makers in what were then still E-mail groups, criticism quickly grew.

Then came jewelry-making. Same thing really. Though I can string together a basic necklace or bracelet and I don’t need kid-level beads for it, I never moved beyond that. I did make the wise choice of not participating in swaps or the like, like I had done with card making.

For a while, I participated in the trend of rainbow looming. Remember that? It’s so 2015!

Then came soap making. Though I can create a simple melt and pour soap, the fun really disappeared quickly because I never moved beyond that and the only thing I can experiment with are different scents.

And then – after a few steps along the way that I decided to skip for brevity’s sake – came polymer clay. Though I am still a beginner at that too despite having worked with the medium for 2 1/2 years and will most likely never move beyond beginner stage, I feel more like this is a medium in which I can use my creativity. Much like with card making originally, it’s a very versatile medium even for total novices.

Within the polymer clay community, I do have my tribe that I stick to. For example, there’s the Dutch polymer clay Facebook group, in which most members and all admins are incredibly supportive of me and my work. In February of 2023, I helped think up the theme for the monthly challenge. It became “unicorns”, of course, which was probably a little too narrow, as I was the only one who ended up participating. However, I do love the fact that the other members do consider me a valued contributor to the group.

This post was written for #JusJoJan, for which the prompt today, coming from me, is “craft”.

To Freewrite vs. Free to Write #JusJoJan

Posted on by Astrid

I started and restarted this post several times. I really want to broaden my horizons in the writing department. To write more, but also to write more outside of my comfort zone. In a way, I want to experience the freedom I experienced when crafting my independently-created unicorn in the writing process too.

But, as with my crafting, in the writing department, fear is holding me back. Specifically, the fear of failure. The fear of my posts not being read, not being appreciated, getting zero likes or comments. If I don’t get any engagement, why bother blogging, after all? I could just as easily keep a private journal in Day One.

Then again, even in Day One, I censor myself when writing. Even where no-one reads my writings except for possibly my future self, I’m constantly telling myself I’m a bad writer, constantly editing out mistakes or “inappropriate” wording. Yes, I even did this with my Morning Pages back when I did those several times over the past couple of years.

Is it, however, really that I’m looking to freewrite? Or is it more that I want to be free to write? What’s the difference? Well, this is a freewrite.

However, there are other ways in which I let my censor, as Julia Cameron calls it, dictate what I can and can’t write. So many in fact that I hardly write self-growth posts anymore because these don’t get much engagement, even though these are the posts I sometimes feel inspired to write. When I am free to write, I write what I feel inspired to write even when this isn’t a huge success by externally-determined standards like my stats. And who knows, maybe it will be a success someday.

This post was written for today’s #JusJoJan prompt, which is “writing”.

I’m More Spontaneous

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m participating in the Writer’s Workshop today and combining two of the prompts. One is to write a post inspired by the word “spontaneous”. The other is to share something you can do now that you couldn’t do a year ago.

I haven’t necessarily learned anything huge over the past year. However, I did improve on my crafty endeavors and the main thing I learned was to be more spontaneous. A year ago, I would follow a YouTube tutorial almost exactly as it was shown. That’s not really creating, honestly; that’s copying. Now though, I create some things using just my concept of them. Like the below cat I created yesterday. It’s not terribly imaginative, I know, but it’s a start.

Polymer Clay Cat

I am also more daring to experiment and less afraid of failing. Like, with the above cat, I used Fimo liquid deco gel even though it might smudge (it didn’t). This decreased fear of failure also led to me crafting the unicorn that I made completely independently just before New Year’s. While courage isn’t necessarily a skill I acquired over the past year, since it’s not a skill at all, it’s definitely helped me improve.

In other areas of life, I am also more spontaneous and more daring than I used to be. The reason is probably in part the fact that my staff give me the necessary predictability rather than leaving me to complete and utter chaos. I’m still on the less spontaneous side of the spectrum, but that’s totally okay.

What “Playtime” Means to Me #Bloganuary

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt from #Bloganuary asks us about playtime. What does “playtime” mean to me? Do I play in my daily life?

Honestly, it depends on how one would define “playtime”. I, as someone who does not work, could consider my day activities “playtime”. I mean, there are individuals who do work-like day activities, but I don’t. Indeed, I’m pretty sure I consider working with polymer clay “playtime”.

For 2024, I am considering restarting some adapted version of The Artist’s Way. I mean, I cannot do Artist’s Dates completely by myself, but I can be more creative doing them than I would otherwise be. As Julia Cameron says, doing the work of the Artist’s Dates and other tasks in the book is really play, and I’m pretty sure I agree.

I also sometimes do actual things considered “playtime” by most adults, such as go on swings or roundabouts. We have adult-size playground equipment on institution grounds that I occasionally go on.

My Hopes for 2024

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. As regular readers of my blog know, I don’t do New Year’s resolutions, instead calling them “hopes”. This is just an excuse not to have to take responsibility, I guess, but oh well. I love writing them and looking back at them after a year to see how well I did. Last year, I did participate in #WBOYC, of course, but honestly I never looked at my hopes for 2023 when doing my monthly reflections. Oh well, maybe my first not-quite-resolution has to be to look back at this post when reflecting on the month. Here goes.

1. Get back on track with respect to healthy’ish eating. I did manage to get to a healthy BMI in 2023. That is, I’m pretty sure with all the New Year’s treats, including more “oliebollen” than I told my dietitian I liked, I’m now back across the line to overweight (I was only half a pound below that line last week). I know that with some cutting back on snacking, and it doesn’t even have to be drastic, I can lose the excessive pounds I gained over the holidays. More importantly though, for the remainder of the year, I’d like to maintain a relatively healthy diet. After all, sugary ttreats and high-fat foods are bad for you even if you’re at a healthy BMI.

2. Get back into a regular movement routine. Though I did excellent for the first half of 2023 and pretty well for most of the second half too, like I said yesterday, I wasn’t moving as much over the past month or two as I would’ve wanted to. This year, I obviously hope to meet my movement goal each day, but I’m not sure that will be a realistic goal, as it wasn’t in 2023 and that’s not just because of lack of motivation. I’d also really like to find another way of exercising besides walking, either swimming again or something else. I seem to remember we do have gym equipment somewhere on institution grounds, so maybe that’s an option.

3. Write more regularly. Last year really sucked in the blogging department. I really hope to change that and get back on track with blogging more often.

4. Broaden my horizons in the crafty department. I hardly touched on this yesterday, but the last couple of months were really positive in this respect. For one thing, I started creating figures, such as the gnome and Santa, without consulting YouTube tutorials. For another, on Saturday, I did something really cool: I crafted a unicorn completely independently! I did initially leave black streaks on the head from touching it while trying to attach the eyes, which the staff had to clean up with alcohol. Other than that, I did everything completely without supervision or help.

In 2024, I really hope to be more creative, try out more things on my own (without the expectation that I’ll lose my one-on-one) and generally have more fun claying and maybe doing other crafty things.

5. Explore other day activities. In 2023, I wanted to expand my horizons with respect to my day schedule, moving beyond 60 minutes at a time, beyond my room and beyond one-on-one. The first was a massive success, as I now have a great day schedule (which of course took me moving out of the home I lived in last year, but oh well). The second and third, I’m not 100% sure I want to achieve, actually. Rather, I’d like to explore meaningful activities, whether these can be done in my room or elsewhere, on my own, with my one-on-one or in a group.

6. Get settled into my current care home, generally. I really hope to get more comfortable here and start building up a trust-based relationship with some staff.

7. Improve in the mental health department. This, for me, means stabilizing with respect to my trauma-related symptoms. It also means getting closer to a proper med combo and dosage. In 2023, I didn’t change any of my meds or dosages, which was frustrating as I did notice some increase in possible side effects. I’ll have a meeting with the intellectual disability physician to discuss my meds on the 15th.

8. Continue to work on my relationships and supporting the people I love. Particularly, my marriage evolved in a positive way in 2023 and I would really love to keep it as strong as it is going forward.

What are your hopes for this year?

Sunny Sunday (December 17, 2023): A Good Day!

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I was writing another post, which I’ve since scheduled for tomorrow, but instead of sharing that decided to join in on Sunny Sunday. Today was a good day. Let me share what made today good.

First off, the weather. As I opened my phone this morning, I saw a weather report, which I didn’t read, but the headline said it was “ideal walking weather”. It was a little cold in the morning, but that’s only to be expected in December (I guess there’s a reason I was born in the summer, ha). However, later in the day, the sun peeked through the clouds and the daytime temperature rose to 10°C.

I decided to follow the headline’s advice and go for an hour-long walk. In the morning, I was supported by the most familiar to me staff member, which was awesome. I am so grateful she supported me rather than leaving me to be supported by the temp worker or very young and inexperienced new male staff.

In the afternoon, my spouse came by for a visit. I said that I was thinking of buying another case for my phone, since the one I’d gotten was too rigid. I am grateful to share my spouse showed me how to properly fold the back of the case.

In the evening, I had lots of fun crafting with clay. I created a butterfly pendant.

Overall, today was a pretty joy-filled day. It was also a productive day. After all, I had a shower in the morning and washed my hair, rearranged my Day One journals’ content, and have been spending the evening online reading and writing blog posts.

I of course could think of reasons why today wasn’t perfect, but no-one needs a perfect day. All we need is a little joy and sunshine in our life.

Crafting Lately: Polymer Clay Santa

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I have been quite crafty lately, but haven’t finished anything yet. The reason is the fact that my latest polymer clay unicorn broke because the oven was set to too cold a temperature. As a result, my latest craft project is still the Santa I created for a staff’s granddaughter two weeks ago. Today, I want to show it to you all and tell you how I made it.

Polymer Clay Santa

First, I created the body. I used Fimo in the primary color red for this. I usually use this color only for mixing other colors but I figured I had enough of it to be using some for the Santa’s body. I also sculpted the hat and arms while I had the red Fimo in my hands anyway, since I usually have one color clay on my work surface at a time. The reason is the fact that I am blind and would mix up the colors otherwise.

Then I sculpted the head out of light flesh-colored Fimo. I also sculpted ears, a nose and hands. The ears are barely visible under the hat.

I used white Premo for the beard, the rim of the hat and the ball on the hat.

Black was the hardest color to work with. I needed it for the belt, the buttons on the body and the eyes, as well as the shoes, but it can easily leave streaks on other colors of clay. I used Fimo’s black, as I don’t have Premo’s. I had my staff wrap the belt around the body and trim off the ends, as I was too scared I’d leave streaks the way I would need to feel to work with it.

Shortly after I’d finished this project, there was a topic in the Dutch polymer clay Facebook group asking us to snap a picture of our latest project or work in progress. I decided to take on the challenge and snap a picture of this Santa all by myself. I was going to show the picture here too, but unfortunately I deleted it.

A few days ago, the staff I had started this project with showed up in my room with her granddaughter. The granddaughter wanted to personally thank me for the handmade birthday gift I’d created for her. I was so touched!