2024: The Year in Review

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the last day of the year and this means doing a review of the past year. I realize I wrote about my 2024 on Saturday already, but I’d like to do a proper review today.

The year started out pretty tough, because I had some issues with my assigned staff, now this side of the home’s support coordinator. I won’t go into detail, but let’s just say he isn’t the most socially adept and his attempts at gaining my trust went horribly wrong. This is the reason he isn’t the one making decisions for me or having meetings with me about my care.

I have had some issues with getting proper care over the past year in general, like when the behavior specialist decided to do the minute-by-minute compensatory system when I was in distress during my time without one-on-one. The reason was the idea that I would need more and more care if they didn’t do this. That is, that’s what my then support coordinator said, but I figured out that the actual reason was the idea that I’d purposefully work myself up in order to get more care. This is simply not true: I pretty regularly tell my staff that they can leave early if I’m doing well, but I just can’t plan my distress to suit my one-on-one hours.

Over the summer, I had some issues with the fact that there were especially many unfamiliar temp workers assigned to my one-on-one care. I mean, I realize that there are more temp workers over the summer when the regular staff are on vacation, but the fact that most of them were assigned to me, frustrated me.

There have been other frustrating aspects to my care, but I’m so glad my support coordinator and two new assigned staff are trying to build a trust-based relationship with me rather than telling me I’m just a negative nagger.

In other departments, the year was a mixed bag too. I definitely didn’t do as well as I’d hoped with my movement, crafting or blogging. In fact, I honestly did worse than I did last year. I did, however, try cooking and baking more often.

Another positive is the fact that I am fully off my PRN tranquilizer and my topiramate and am now on a significantly lower dosage of aripiprazole (my antipsychotic) than I was last year. I also started therapy. First, I tried play therapy, but that wasn’t a success from the get-go. I now am in the early stages of movement therapy based on the Sherborne method.

In general, when I look back at 2024 and compare it to 2023, I can see how in some ways I did worse this year. This feels a bit disappointing and I’m not sure why it is. It may be because of my having significantly tapered my medication. I hope that whether this is the case or not, it won’t get worse in 2025.

That being said, I do feel that I’m starting to develop a tiny bit of trust in my staff and that wasn’t the case in 2023 at all. Here’s hoping I can continue on this journey next year.

This year was a true year of ups and downs in other areas, such as my marriage, too. Thankfully, I’m feeling optimistic that my spouse and I will make it through stronger. We’re both confident that we’ll always be soulmates!

In the health department, I did okay. I gained a little weight, but not so much that it’s worrisome to my dietitian. I remember telling her recently that I hadn’t gained weight last year over the holiday season, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t correct. As such, I hope that, if I’ve gained weight over this holiday season, I can lose it again.

One last positive: I finally got suitable orthopedic shoes, yay! They still get damage often due to my drop foot, but thankfully not to the point that they can’t be fixed.

Gratitude List (December 29, 2024) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m doing a gratitude list again. As usual, I’m linking it up with Ten Things of Thankful. Here goes.

1. A nice Christmas-themed walk around institution grounds on Tuesday. We were able to see lights, listen to a barrel organ playing festive jingles and at the end of the walk, we could do some crafty things like decorate a clementine with cloves and create a paper rose.

2. The fact that the labeling tape I ordered online early in the week, actually arrived on time for my visit to my in-laws on Christmas (where I’d had it delivered) and the tape also fit into my home’s label printer. I as a result was finally able to label my new clay.

3. Fries. I always have to include several food-theemd thankfuls, don’t I? On Tuesday, we had French fries.

4. Seeing my spouse and in-laws on Christmas.

5. Making salad on Boxing Day. A student staff’s mother had made homemade Turkish-style meatballs called köfte.

6. Being able to play DJ at the home’s dance party on Friday. Another student staff had brought his large Bluetooth-enabled speaker and I asked him if I’d be allowed to connect it to my iPhone and be the DJ. That was so cool! At first, I played ABBA like I’d requested the staff do the previous time we had a party. Then I put on a random EDM playlist, but that wasn’t well-received, so I switched to my own personal playlist of Dutch and dialect songs.

7. Getting in lots of exercise minutes today. I took three longer walks.

8. The fact that my support coordinator reassured me that, pending my one-on-one renewal request, things will stay the same for now and no hours will be cut. Officially, my one-on-one needs renewing by January 1 and we haven’t heard anything yet. I’m still struggling with my current hours particularly in the evenings, so I really hope that things won’t get worse. We’ll see.

9. Meeting up with my spouse again yesterday. And looking forward to going to our house over New Year’s.

10. The fact that the festive season is almost over. I can’t stand all the chaos.

My 2024 #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

SoCS Badge 2019-2020

Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (#SoCS) is “my year”. I don’t usually review my year until December 30 or 31 and, since this post is supposed to be stream-of-consciousness, I cannot do it now either. That being said, I can write down what my year reminds me of.

I am first reminded of the fact that I’ve been tapering my medication since the beginning of the year and am now 10mg down with my antipsychotic and completely off my topiramate. The taper could’ve gone faster had I not landed in crisis just before my first antipsychotic taper and had the behavior specialist not subsequently decided to do the “minute-effing”, by which I would have to compensate for every minute I was in distress during my unsupported time by having less support at my next moment.

The year also reminds me of my continual attempts to get actually reasonably good care, after that system of minute-by-minute compensating was abandoned in late March. I sometimes feel like I could’ve come across like a very hungry caterpillar, but so what? I don’t purposefully experience distress, as the powers-that-be used to think.

I’m also reminded that this is the first full year since 2021 that I didn’t move. Back in 2021, I told my care plan review that I was 95% sure that I wanted to stay in Raalte, but hardly a year after that, I was gone. I resolve for 2025 not to repeat the same mistake.

Overall, 2024 started tough but things have improved ever since. I can’t go into every detail of what I was struggling with in early 2024 and let me just hope and pray that 2025 won’t be the same. That is, improvement is always welcome, of course, but let’s hope and pray that early 2025 won’t bring a setback.

Flash Fiction: Home Is Where the Train Ride Ends

Posted on by Astrid

She’s riding the train, listening to children’s songs on her headphones. As the music about unicorns and fairies plays in her ears, she contemplates where this journey is going.

As young as she is, she’s already been in half a dozen different foster families since being abandoned by her drug addict Mom when she was just a baby. The last placement was the longest so far. Her foster carer was loving, but she couldn’t keep her long-term.

As the train moves on, the girl stares into the future, wondering whether this new chapter in her life that she’s headed towards, will finally be a longer one. Will she finally be able to come home this Christmas? She hopes, prays and has everything crossed that home is where the train ride ends.

What Do You See? Prompt #268

This piece was inspired by Sadje’s #WDYS. I initially couldn’t seem to be able to link to the image, but I think I figured it out.

Gratitude List (December 22, 2024) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining Ten Things of Thankful today. Let’s see what I’ve been grateful for over the past week.

1. Pizza. Technically, this is one from last week. Last Sunday, there was no meal delivery service meal I liked, so I chose to get takeout pizza. I chose one with onions, mushrooms, bell peppers, sausages and fresh garlic.

2. Another food one: my Christmas hamper. This year, we had the choice between a food hamper either regular or low-cal, a beauty hamper or a crafty one. Figuring that budgets are tight, I decided to go for the regular food hamper, as I doubted what was in the others would be of interest to me. I got marshmallows, chocolate, chips, whipped cream and waffles, cocoa and maybe I forgot something. Oh yes, I did: pretzel sticks, but I gave those away. I probably gained several pounds from enjoying the food and I have the marshmallows and chocolate still unopened.

3. Oh wait, another food one and a more likely cause of weight gain: a new staff had gotten chocolate with salted caramel as a welcome present to the care agency, but she didn’t like salted caramel, so gave the bar to me. That one is gone by now.

4. The fact that I was able to take a bath on Wednesday. I used a bath bomb that changed colors and had a nice scent (although for the life of me I can’t remember which).

5. My decreased antipsychotic dosage that I started on last Friday. I’m now on 15mg of Abilify a day. So far, I haven’t been significantly more irritable.

6. The fact that the days are officially getting longer now. Man, do I hate winter and especially the darkness.

7. A good visit from my spouse today. We hadn’t seen each other last week, so the visit felt extra special. We went shopping at Hema, my spouse’s favorite store, and ate lunch there too.

8. The fact that I was able to go for a walk today despite the weather being rather gloomy in the afternoon. Thankfully though, no rain in the evening.

9. The fact that I’m still creatively inspired. And generally more motivated to do things than I used to be.

10. Peace. I mean both inner peace and outer peace. That is, I’m still experiencing anxiety, but it isn’t nearly as severe as it was several months ago. I’m also so grateful that, at least for now, I live in peace.

Everything Will Be Okay… #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

This week’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “wish”. What a timely prompt, as we look back at 2024 and look forward to 2025. I don’t usually have any new year’s resolutions, like I say. Rather, I call them “hopes”. They’re just the same, like I say every year, but calling them hopes rather than resolutions gives me an excuse not to think about them again until the end of the year. Then, if I didn’t make any happen, I could say they were just hopes. Like wishes, they feel a bit devoid of reality sometimes.

I mean, for 2025, most people could wish for world peace. Not gonna happen, baby! In fact, as I read the news recently, I’m more and more scared that even in a country that hasn’t been at war in almost 80 years, we won’t see a full year of peace.

And now I’m scared that by voicing that fear, I’m single-handedly making it happen. That’s my twisted mind playing tricks on me though.

I do wish for there to be many more years in which this country can live in peace. I know that, in a similar way to what I said in my previous paragraph, my constantly saying that “everything will be okay in 2034”, when the “2034” aspect of it was based in a twisted way on the idea that World War III will start then, might be tempting fate. Thankfully, I don’t believe in manifesting in this sense. Besides, don’t many faiths believe in reversal of good and bad? Like, in the Christian tradition, there’s this thing about the first who will be last. Either way, I hope and wish that my twisted words about 2034 will indeed be true and everything will be okay.

How My Body Has Changed As I Got Older

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all! This week, there are many interesting writing prompts in the Writer’s Workshop. I am choosing to write about ways my body has changed as I’ve gotten older.

I’m now 38 and I consider this an age at which positive changes can still happen. That is, of course you’re never too old to start a healthier lifestyle, but at a certain age, I assume it will not have as much effect as when you’re younger. In fact, I’ve heard that smokers have until age 35 to quit or their lungs will never be as healthy as those of non-smokers. Thank goodness I’ve never smoked.

In my case, my thirties so far were the decade of getting healthier in many ways. At age 30, I weighed 80kg (176lbs), which is over 20kg overweight for my height. I slowly started losing weight then and got to 55kg )121lbs) last year. Since then, I’ve gained some weight back on, but I’m barely 1kg overweight now at 59kg. I agreed with my dietitian that I should not gain any more weight, but the 55kg I weighed last year is also the lower border of my goal weight.

Weight aside, I got slightly fitter. When I weighed 80kg, my spouse proposed we do a brisk walk for just over half an hour each day to get the weight off, but I could barely do fifteen minutes. Now I must say I don’t usually walk as fast as that brisk walk should’ve been, but then again I couldn’t keep up with my spouse back then either and now I can walk for an hour sometimes.

I do feel that my flexibility and strength have decreased a bit. Not that I ever was flexible or strong at all. In fact, my spouse jokes that a brick is more flexible than me. However, when we tried a game of Twister at the home recently, I noticed I was hardly able to stand on all fours even in a simple position. I’m pretty sure I used to be able to do this.

My mobility also has slightly decreased. I fall when I wear anything other than my orthopedic shoes. I also used to think my shoes get damage a lot easier from the way I walk. That is until I recently looked at the shoes I wore at my wedding and saw these were damaged too just from one day.

When I got married, I was 25 and about at the weight I’m now at. I recently tried on my wedding dress just for the fun of it. The skirt fit, but the top was too tight.

With respect to appearance, I’m told I haven’t changed much over the years. That is, my spouse found my first grey hair when I was 31 and I now have quite a few, but my hair still looks dark overall. I don’t have many wrinkles either. In fact, it feels as though my frown wrinkle has decreased. That probably isn’t possible, so maybe I’m just not bothered by it as much as I used to be. I’m also grateful to report that my hands, which are among the body parts I feel most positive about, are still pretty smooth.

Overall, I don’t think there’s been an age at which I was happier with my body than now. That is, I do get frustrated with my impaired mobility and flexibility. However, when I was thirty, I was probably less fit overall and I wasn’t happy with my appearance at all. Now I feel content enough with my body to wear nice clothes and occasionally jewelry. I in fact reserve my loose-fitting sweaters and fleece vests for when I’m sick now.

Crafting Lately (December 16, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I finally feel as though I’m actually adjusting to life in this care home and feeling like this could maybe, hopefully be my home for a long time. This is a huge positive, as I’ve never felt this way in any place before except maybe for the care facility in Raalte in late 2021. As most of you know, that didn’t last. Please keep your fingers crossed that this feeling of finally belonging won’t be the beginning of the end this time around.

I had a good week last week. I am pretty much over whatever I was sick with all of the week before, probably a mild case of COVID. Since I no longer need to deal with unfamiliar temp workers and most of my staff last week know how to help me with my crafting, I’ve been able to be pretty creative.

I think I mentioned a few weeks ago that I’d been trying to craft a polymer clay unicorn for a new staff who’s as much into unicorns as I am. Unfortunately, one of the wings fell during the curing process and it hung in such a position that I could neither pull it off and craft a new one, nor be content with how it looked.

About a week ago, I was thankfully able to create a new unicorn. No wings this time, but I did use a tiny (5mm) heart cutter to create a little symbol for on the unicorn’s side.

This is my default unicorn in a sitting position. Its body and head are done in Premo white, while its mane, tail, ears and horn are done in Fimo Effect rose quartz. The tiny heart on its side is done in Premo 18k gold.

Then, I created a Christmas tree. This one I did by rolling out a snake then rolling it up into a coil that decreases in size as it goes up, thereby creating the tree effect. I used Fimo leaf green for the tree and Cernit Christmas red and Fimo Effect glitter gold for the baubles. I then added a spark in Fimo Effect glitter gold to the top.

In hindsight, I probably should’ve used Premo forest green and Premo 18k gold rather than the Fimo colors. However, I haven’t opened my Premo forest green yet, because we’re out of labeling tape and hence I cannot yet label the Ziploc bag I’ll put it into once opened. I also want to use an actual star for the top next time, but my star-shaped cutter hadn’t arrived yet.

Lastly, I decided to challenge myself with the unicorn design and create a unicorn-in-a-mug. That is, I’m lazy, so of course there’s no actual unicorn body hiding in that mug. I used Premo white for the mug and Cernit violet for the unicorn head. For the mane and horn, I used Fimo Effect metallic silver.

Originally, my staff had taken the photo of the unicorn from a slight angle, so the mug wasn’t fully visible and the thing looked like a unicorn in a white gown. I decided to ask another staff to take a new picture today.

I really loved being able to craft again. I’m so happy my creative juices are flowing.

No Bad Food #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

This week’s prompt for Stream Of Consciousness Saturday is “food”. I immediately thought of the title for my post: “No bad food.” This is a phrase used in health-conscious communities to clarify that there’s no such thing as a “forbidden” food when dieting. I had the comment that no food is forbidden written at the bottom of my weight loss food plan in early 2022. That is, the goal wasn’t even weight loss for me, but rather, to have a healthier relationship with food.

This is also what health gurus who use the phrase “no bad food” aim to accomplish: for dieters to be aware of their healthy or less healthy choices rather than rigidly stripping foods off of their “allowed” list.

I’d like to take it a step further and say that the only food you shouldn’t eat is food you’re allergic to or food that’s gone bad. And I mean this absolutely. Yes, some food choices are healthier than others, but when you’re already a restrictive eater and you’re limiting yourself even further because, for example, chocolate spread isn’t “healthy”, you’ll end up with worse problems.

I mean, when originally starting my food plan in 2022, my dietitian gave me a standard weight loss plan because I was significantly overweight. I however wouldn’t eat at least 75% of the food on it, especially the foods she recommended for breakfast and lunch. Thankfully, rather than deciding not to eat at all, which my eating disordered self might’ve done, I negotiated foods I found tolerable and that were still considered somewhat “healthy”.

Now I happen to have the privilege of being at an almost healthy BMI, but the fact that I struggled to maintain a healthy eating routine (or any eating routine, for that matter) when trying to stick to a weight loss diet, did convince me that, truthfully, there’s no such thing as bad food.

Indeed, there’s no such thing as a good or bad eating routine. Yes, some choices are healthier than others, but there’s nothing wrong with making “unhealthy” choices when those are the “healthy” choices given your personal circumstances. Honestly, in fact, I believe there’s no moral wrong in eating whatever you feel like eating. Placing the blame for obesity on the individual, is, in my opinion, ignoring the fact that many people are struggling to stay afloat mentally and physically without having to deal with restricting their food intake.

And I don’t mean that people can’t make healthier food choices, or that they shouldn’t be encouraged to do so within the limits of their own personal circumstances. Like, I eventually settled on low-calorie jelly for on my lunch bread rather than chocolate spread and for regular muesli rather than crunchy muesli for breakfast. These are healthier choices and I am glad I made those. However, if I could not have made those choices for whatever reason, it’d still have been better to eat my crunchy muesli and chocolate spread on bread than to starve.

Music Moves Me (December 9, 2024): Dancing Queen!

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I joined in with Music Moves Me many years ago and rediscovered it a few weeks back.

Guess what? On Saturday, one of the student staff had brought a Bluetooth speaker and he was blasting music in the other side of the home’s living room. One of the clients there knew the lyrics to every song. They were Dutch-language songs, none of which I knew, because that’s not my taste in music.

However, I at one point decided to move over there and request the staff put on a song I knew. The first band that came to mind was ABBA.

I and a few other clients were singing and dancing along and it was so much fun! The client who knew all the lyrics to the Dutch songs, sang along too.

We danced to a few more ABBA songs and then the staff asked us to name another artist or band. I came up with P!nk and mentioned her song Cover Me in Sunshine.

I honestly had no idea this song was a duet between P!nk and her daughter until I saw the music video list Willow Sage Hart and looked it up. I guess this makes me the most musically stupid person in the linky, but oh well. I just wanted to share that dancing made my evening. For this reason, I’m also joining in with Trent’s #WeeklySmile.

Several staff noticed how much fun we were having and they’re trying to get a Bluetooth speaker for the home. There’s a monthly dance event at the institution townhouse too, but that isn’t nearly as much fun.