Flash Fiction: Of Fish and Tape (Or Horses and Receipts)

Posted on by Astrid

A fish swam in the ocean with a roll of sticky tape in its mouth. It was a copycat really, because it learned to carry something in its mouth from the stick horse a little girl once created for her teacher’s St. Nicholas surprise. The attached poem read
A wooden horse
Without a tail
Flew quickly towards the sun
With in its mouth a receipt
Of an already-eaten cake.

That poem was better in Dutch, as the girl was me, but it was still silly. At least it rhymed in its original Dutch version.

The fish didn’t know this, of course. Its picture had been drawn or otherwise created some 30 years after the girl’s original poem. And even if the fish knew, it didn’t care.

I do wonder though, isn’t a roll of sticky tape far too large for a goldfish? It will know very soon. Or not.

This piece of silliness was written for Simply 6 Minutes. It’s 148 words. My original poem was:
Een houten paard
Zonder staart
Vloog pijlsnel naar de zon
Met in zijn mond een kassabon
Van een opgegeten taart

How Blogging Has Changed Me

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today in her Sunday Poser, Sadje asks us how blogging has changed us and specifically our thinking.

This is a really tough one. I started keeping an online journal that gradually morphed into a blog at age 16 in 2002. Starting that journal wasn’t a surprise: I’ve always been a bit in your face with my issues, especially to strangers. Back then, I wasn’t ashamed to put my thoughts out there for the entire world to read. My English, though it was readable, wasn’t nearly at the level it is now and I had no concept of privacy either for myself or others. I honestly can’t say I don’t regret any posts I’ve put out there. I actually regret having posted some of the writings on my current blog.

As such, having written stuff online for 23 years helped me be slightly more aware of my own and other people’s boundaries. I still probably should be more careful. In fact, I considered starting a new, anonymous blog earlier this year, but I doubt how much that’d help me be truly unidentifiable. I, after all, share so much online about myself that I’m pretty sure my nicknames are easy to connect.

In other respects, blogging has helped me become a better writer. That is, before my days on WP, I did share the stories I’d written as a teen online too. However, these were written in Dutch. Blogging has certainly helped me improve my English.

I still rarely express myself through creative writing, such as poetry or short fiction. That’s a goal I have had for years, but somehow it feels embarrassing to do. That’s weird, isn’t it? I don’t feel ashamed of blabbering about my life, but creative writing scares me.

With respect to connections, WP has helped me immensely. As soon as I moved my diary to WP in 2007, I learned about the blogging community and have started making connections. Some of these people, like carol anne from Therapy Bits, I still talk to more than 15 years on. Blogging isn’t like real life for me, in that hardly any deep friendships have formed out of it. Oh wait, I only have one friend IRL too. 🤣 Maybe this means I’m too superficial for deep connections.

One last thing I learned from blogging is to keep my mouth shut when I have nothing nice to say. That doesn’t mean I can always do so in real life, but I learned early on that particularly when commenting on other people’s posts, you should always include something positive or encouraging. I was harshly criticized back in my early days online for honestly saying that some product wasn’t for me. Turned out the post was sponsored. Let me just say I will never do that kind of thing.

I did occasionally try to be a “lifestyle blogger” in Dutch, but it isn’t my thing and will never be. I’ll, after all, always be authentically me. As such, when I say something nice, I do mean it (it isn’t like I comment positively just because I need to).

That’s a good thing about WP as opposed to self-hosted blogging: there’s less pressure to become an “influencer”. That doesn’t mean you can’t be more or less popular, but I trust those on WP, including those who get a zillion comments, to be authentic.

Devotion to Polymer Clay

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining John Holton’s Writer’s Workshop. I’m choosing to write on the prompt about devoting your life to art. What type of art would I devote my life to?

The question here is, are we to choose just one particular form of art that we’d devote our entire life to, or are we allowed to pick more than one form? After all, many art forms are interconnected and I would not enjoy one without the other.

For instance, I would probably not enjoy polymer clay as much if I didn’t take photos of my work and didn’t write about the craft on here. Also, if I make jewelry out of polymer clay or use polymer clay beads in a necklace or bracelet, that’s basically combining two crafts.

So, let me say I cannot choose just one art form, because, though my photographs aren’t all that artistic, I’d still have to choose between polymer clay and writing. I flat out refuse.

After all, though writing comes easiest to me, polymer clay is what brings me the most joy. I just love the fact that, even though I’m now totally blind, I still have some insight into colors. I also still, four years into the craft, love creating unicorns.

I made three unicorns in the past week. The latest, I haven’t baked yet because I just made it this evening. The other two I made late last week. One is probably going to be a gift to a staff who gave birth last week. I loved working with the two colors for the mane, tail and horn, but its horn is a little crooked.

The other one, which I myself like best, is for me. After all, you can never have too many unicorns.

A few years ago, I talked to my then staff about possibly creating unicorns to go into the care agency’s shop. That idea never materialized, but I’ve brought it up a few more times. I’d just love to have polymer clay as my “job”. Here, I chose anyway. And I also wrote on another prompt, because creating the unicorns is the main thing that made me smile recently.

Creativity: How I Have Evolved As a Creative Over the Years #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s late once again as I get to my letter C post. I don’t tend to think up my topics in advance. Same with this one. It actually popped up in my mind several minutes ago and here I am writing about my creative journey. Okay, I did my entire #AtoZChallenge of 2022 on creativity so am pretty sure I covered this topic already, but let’s do a repeat in that case.

I am not very imaginative. Like I said on Monday, I most likely have aphantasia. This combined with blindness and my other disabilities doesn’t make me all that great of an artist. And yet, I love to create!

In childhood, I’d often draw dresses and other fashion items, pretending I was a fashion designer. I lost the vision needed to draw around age 12 and, even though my drawing teacher found me paper that would create raised lines when drawing on it, I also hardly drew anything beyond stick figures in boxes from then on. Don’t ask me about their meaning – yes, I know they meant something, but for the life of me I can’t remember what.

I didn’t craft or create art again until my mid-twenties. Then I started card making. Over the next five years followed at least a dozen other crafts. And now, I’m stuck on polymer clay, although to be honest I don’t use the medium nearly as often as I used to.

Creativity can, of course, also involve the written word. I wrote stories from a young age on. I started out writing fiction and the occasional poem. Now, I almost exclusively write blog posts.

I must admit, as I think back on my creative journey, that my level of imaginativeness has probably declined over the years and I didn’t always experience aphantasia. Not that I ever had a rich inner world. Well, that is, I have and always had a strong inner monologue (or inner cacaphony, in fact) and could probably describe an inner world in words, but I couldn’t visually imagine it at all.

I think this lack of imaginativeness is the reason I write personal blog posts mostly and craft mostly realistic figures or things from tutorials. I mean, of course a unicorn isn’t real, but I almost literally copied my style of unicorns from a tutorial. Realizing this makes me feel really sad.

To Freewrite vs. Free to Write #JusJoJan

Posted on by Astrid

I started and restarted this post several times. I really want to broaden my horizons in the writing department. To write more, but also to write more outside of my comfort zone. In a way, I want to experience the freedom I experienced when crafting my independently-created unicorn in the writing process too.

But, as with my crafting, in the writing department, fear is holding me back. Specifically, the fear of failure. The fear of my posts not being read, not being appreciated, getting zero likes or comments. If I don’t get any engagement, why bother blogging, after all? I could just as easily keep a private journal in Day One.

Then again, even in Day One, I censor myself when writing. Even where no-one reads my writings except for possibly my future self, I’m constantly telling myself I’m a bad writer, constantly editing out mistakes or “inappropriate” wording. Yes, I even did this with my Morning Pages back when I did those several times over the past couple of years.

Is it, however, really that I’m looking to freewrite? Or is it more that I want to be free to write? What’s the difference? Well, this is a freewrite.

However, there are other ways in which I let my censor, as Julia Cameron calls it, dictate what I can and can’t write. So many in fact that I hardly write self-growth posts anymore because these don’t get much engagement, even though these are the posts I sometimes feel inspired to write. When I am free to write, I write what I feel inspired to write even when this isn’t a huge success by externally-determined standards like my stats. And who knows, maybe it will be a success someday.

This post was written for today’s #JusJoJan prompt, which is “writing”.

The Wednesday Hodgepodge (January 3, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s Wednesday, so I’m back joining the Wednesday Hodgepodge. I love this week’s questions, even though I’m pretty sure most came along during the first Hodgepodge of 2023 too. Here goes.

1. Every January 1st since 1976 Lake Superior University has published a list of words they’d like to see banished from the Queen’s English. Words may be banished due to misuse, overuse or just general uselessness. Here are the words/phrases they’d like to see banished in 2024-
hack, impact, at the end of the day, rizz, slay, iconic, cringe worthy, obsessed, side hustle, wait for it
Which of these words/phrases would you most like to see banished from everyday speech and why? Are any of these a regular part of your speech? Is there a word not on the list that you’d like to add?
I don’t care for the term “side hustle”. Other than that, I don’t really think any of these words/phrases are particularly cringe worthy (pun intended). I do use “at the end of the day”, but not any others out of this list. That doesn’t mean I don’t misuse or overuse words a lot. Think “particularly” above.

2. What do you wish you’d done more of last year? Less of?
More of: writing, both on my blog and in my journal.
Less of: worrying.

3. A place you’d like to visit in this new year? Do you think you will?
I really don’t know. I have no travel plans and actually don’t care for vacations.

4. What are three words to sum up or describe your 2023?
Emotional, stressful, hopeful.

5. What advice would you like to give yourself as we begin a new year?
Be open to the possibilities that come your way.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I have been trying out the WordPress block editor, because I wanted to participate in #Bloganuary. So far, it’s still quite the learning curve and I’m happy the classic editor is still available. In fact, I doubt I’ll move over to the block editor full-time anytime unless I’m forced to. However, I’m glad the two posts I wrote using the block editor haven’t been ruined (yet) or disappeared altogether, like happened to some I did several years ago.

Poem: The Onion to My Core

Posted on by Astrid

On the surface
I appear quiet,
Collected,
Maybe a bit timid

Underneath that layer
I look angry,
dissatisfied,
Always oppositional

Even lower
Sits the sadness,
Depression,
A deep-seated despair

Yet another layer down
I don’t even know…
Not sure
I want to go there

Do I even trust
That as I peel the layers
I will find myself?

And if I do,
Do I want to get to know her?

This poem was written for dVerse’s Poetics, for which the inspiration is the onion. I’m not sure whether we’re supposed to include the word “onion” in our poem. I didn’t, but I hope the metaphor is clear.

Activities I’ve Enjoyed Lately

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m feeling a bit uninspired, but I feel in the mood for a positive post. Not because I feel particularly good – not very bad either though. I’m going to share some activities I’ve enjoyed lately. Here goes.

1. Yoga. Well, yoga without the fluff. I have been doing physical therapy for a few weeks now to help with my back pain. Though initially it was my enthusiasm for yoga (which the physical therapist casually mentioned) that got the therapist to think I might benefit from it, I soon found out that all the breathwork and need to feel present in my body was rather overwhelming. Instead, last Monday, we just did the exercises and that’s it.

2. Jumping on the trampoline. Today, the physical therapist had managed to borrow a side-by-side bike, so we were able to ride it to the large trampoline on the other end of institution grounds. I initially struggled a bit, but this was mostly due to my staff and the physical therapist trying to support me whilst on the trampoline. Once I started to jump on my own, it went really well.

3. Diffusing essential oils. It’s too bad the site I discovered with literally thousands of blends on it, is probably kind of shady, since you need to pay to get access to the blends (after a week’s trial period). Not that I create new blends everyday, of course, but I just love looking at everything. I did just put one of today’s featured blends into my diffuser tonight. Not sure yet what I think of the smell, but then again it usually takes a while for the scents to properly blend.

4. Playing dice games, particularly Yahtzee. I might try to introduce my staff to some new games soon.

5. Polymer clay, of course. Today, I put the unicorn I mentioned on Monday into the oven. No picture yet, but I did finally photograph the polymer clay ladybug and octopus I created several weeks ago. Here’s the ladybug. I did the main parts using black Fimo, used Premo in the color cadmium red for its scale or wings or whatever the dots are on, and used white Premo for its eyes.

Polymer Clay Ladybug

6. Listening to podcasts. I have been searching for podcasts I might enjoy. For some years, I subscribed mainly to true crime and Christian podcasts, but I’m no longer a believer and true crime honestly doesn’t really speak to me either. Now, I mostly listen to podcasts on healing from trauma, the enneagram and related topics. I also found several on neurodiversity. I particularly loved the SquarePeg podcast.

In addition to these, I love listening to bedtime stories for kids on both podcasts and YouTube. I might someday try sleep stories for adults too, but don’t really see a reason for it as of yet, other than the fact that I’m an adult, that is.

7. Creative writing. This is something I really need to do more often, be it on the blog or in my Day One journal on my iPhone. I really enjoy trying my hand at writing based on prompts or trying different styles of writing. I am not a good creative writer at all, but practice makes perfect, right?

I am linking this post to #WWandPics.

My Hopes for 2023

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone and a happy 2023 to you all! Regular readers of my blog know that I don’t do resolutions or new year’s goals. Instead, I call them hopes. Whether that isn’t just the exact same but worded slightly euphemistically, is up for debate. However, I found that, many years ago, when I did lists of resolutions, they didn’t work out. Now that I call them “hopes”, I usually probably subconsciously stick to them more. I say this every year as an introduction to my hopes.

This year, I haven’t actually thought of many hopes I have. That is, I do hope to achieve many things, but secretly I do think my “hopes” do need to be somewhat realistic in order to make it onto my new year’s list. Doesn’t that make them just like goals? Oh well, I guess so. With no further ado, I’m just going to write down the things I hope to achieve in 2023.

1. Get to a healthy weight. I never dreamt of writing this when I started my healthier eating journey at the beginning of 2022, but I lost over 10kg in 2022 and I’m only 3kg above a healthy BMI now.

2. Keep up my movement routine. I have my movement goal on my Apple Watch set pretty low at 300 active calories a day. I’d really like to surpass it regularly.

I would also like to improve on the parameters of my physical fitness level, such as my heart rate variability. These are all really low right now.

I am hoping to start actually exercising in other ways besides walking. I’d love to start swimming here on institution grounds.

3. Get to a more stable place mentally. In 2022, I hoped to remain stable mental health-wise, which got ruined by my choice to move and its consequences. Now, I’m hoping to get back to a place of relative calm again.

4. Further lower my antipsychotic dosage. I really hope the move to my current care home doesn’t mean I’m on 25mg of aripiprazole forever.

5. Get to a meaningful day structure and day activities. Okay, I have the new day schedule, which is better than the one my support coordinator gave me, but it’s not what I’d hoped for when I came here. I am really hoping to explore day activities beyond my room, beyond 60 minutes at a time and beyond one-on-one.

6. Write regularly. This is another thing I was pretty awesome at in 2021, hoped to maintain in 2022 and lost track of due to the move. I even only wrote five blog posts during the month of November. I am really hoping to get back into the writing groove this year.

7. Further explore my creative side. I’d really like to find ways to do part of my polymer clay work independently, so that I can actually do more complicated things with my 60-minute time slots of supported activity.

8. Socialize more. This was one of the main reasons for the move, at least according to the behavior specialists involved. Indeed, it is a positive aspect of my current home that wasn’t there at my old home. I honestly don’t know whether I can socialize much with the people at my home, but I can at least try and, if that doesn’t work out, there are almost 400 other residents here at the main institution. I’d really love to talk to some of them more.

I’d also love to connect to my peers in the cerebral palsy community more. I’ll hopefully attend the countrywide cerebral palsy day again in April and also hopefully join the online meetings more often. I’m also hoping to get in touch with the Eye Association more. I know this was something I hoped to achieve in 2022 but didn’t.

9. Get serious about the basics of my faith. I had a discussion about faith with my husband yesterday and the bottom line was that I tried to run without having learned to crawl, so to speak, because I was watching John MacArthur videos, which are deeply theological, even though I’m really still a new believer. I mean, okay, I’ve been a Jesus follower for two years, but I’m still struggling with the basic concepts of the Christian faith. That’s probably why I call myself a “progressive Jesus follower” rather than unapologetically claiming my identity as a Christian. I really hope to move closer on my journey towards God in 2023.

I am linking this post up with today’s #JusJoJan post, for which the optional prompt word is “resolution”. I am thinking of writing another post about resolutions in a different sense, namely the Model European Parliament debating contest I participated in during high school. However, it’s past 9PM so I don’t think I’ll have the time or energy for another blog post.

Re(dis)covering My Creative Self

Posted on by Astrid

Today I crafted a dachshund out of polymer clay. I haven’t put it into the oven yet, as I still want to create other things before baking them all together. I sometimes feel a rush to create, create, create as who knows when this will end? In two weeks’ time, my support coordinator will be back and may decide to put my old day schedule back in place, in which I had only one tiny moment when I could possibly choose to work with clay, inbetween my morning coffee, a long walk and my lunch.

I am taking baby steps towards becoming my creative self again. This blog post is part of the process, as writing too is part of creativity. I notice my writing suffered significantly due to the chaos that was (and may become again) my support at my current care home. I know I’ll still have lots of time to write if my support coordinator puts my old day schedule back in place, but time isn’t the only factor. Inspiration is, too. And when all I do is try to survive from moment to moment – the staff’s terminology for the times they step in to support me -, I am not able to be creative at all.

I am really trying to look at these few weeks as an opportunity to re(dis)cover myself as a creative person, not just as a disturbed, manipulative yet oh so intelligent person, like most of the staff see me. My hope is that the staff who see me as primarily oh so intelligent yet disturbed and manipulative, will soon realize that, with the right support, not only will those “disturbed” behaviors lessen, but I will be able to show them my artistic side. If not, I am hoping that, soon enough, the staff who do get me will be able to convince my support coordinator and those who agree with her that this is not the right place for me. They have seen a glimpse into what I can be like when I am properly supported and I am cautiously optimistic that they can help me maintain this sense of myself, regardless of what happens when the support coordinator returns from her time off.