Re(dis)covering My Creative Self

Today I crafted a dachshund out of polymer clay. I haven’t put it into the oven yet, as I still want to create other things before baking them all together. I sometimes feel a rush to create, create, create as who knows when this will end? In two weeks’ time, my support coordinator will be back and may decide to put my old day schedule back in place, in which I had only one tiny moment when I could possibly choose to work with clay, inbetween my morning coffee, a long walk and my lunch.

I am taking baby steps towards becoming my creative self again. This blog post is part of the process, as writing too is part of creativity. I notice my writing suffered significantly due to the chaos that was (and may become again) my support at my current care home. I know I’ll still have lots of time to write if my support coordinator puts my old day schedule back in place, but time isn’t the only factor. Inspiration is, too. And when all I do is try to survive from moment to moment – the staff’s terminology for the times they step in to support me -, I am not able to be creative at all.

I am really trying to look at these few weeks as an opportunity to re(dis)cover myself as a creative person, not just as a disturbed, manipulative yet oh so intelligent person, like most of the staff see me. My hope is that the staff who see me as primarily oh so intelligent yet disturbed and manipulative, will soon realize that, with the right support, not only will those “disturbed” behaviors lessen, but I will be able to show them my artistic side. If not, I am hoping that, soon enough, the staff who do get me will be able to convince my support coordinator and those who agree with her that this is not the right place for me. They have seen a glimpse into what I can be like when I am properly supported and I am cautiously optimistic that they can help me maintain this sense of myself, regardless of what happens when the support coordinator returns from her time off.

16 thoughts on “Re(dis)covering My Creative Self

  1. Baby steps is always the right way, especially when you haven’t done anything in a while. I find that I sometimes lose touch with my good habits, and the only way to get back into the groove is to start small. Wishing you all the best with your creativity!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much for your encouragement! I think one of the main reasons I need to start small is the fact that I can’t get my hopes up about being able to get fully back into my creative groove, because, like I said, the new day schedule may be trashed when my support coordinator returns. Of course, not everything depends on that, but whether I can do polymer clay does.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I really really hope your new day schedule will become a permanent thing once your support coordinator comes back to work. It’s an awful feeling not to be able to do what you really like to do or what really brings some meaning into your life and hopefully the staff will see how much crafting means to you and how much it helps you to feel better, and will thus realise that it’s an important part of your day schedule and helps you do better mentally. In any case, it’s great that at least you have this new day schedule for now and can have a better time than the last couple months had been for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I tried. That being said, the thing is the support coordinator strongly opposes time-based schedules because, according to her, they “don’t work at this group” (even with the note that I’m understanding of situations such as a crisis taking priority over my support). With that being the case, I needed to have an activity-based schedule or I had nothing and staff could just come and go as they pleased. Which they essentially can do with an activity-based schedule too anyway, as there’s no clear beginning or end to an activity. I really do hope that, in the coming weeks, staff will find out that a time-based schedule not only works far better for me, but that it doesn’t create massive chaos for my fellow clients either.

      Liked by 1 person

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