Sunny Sunday (November 26, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m feeling all over the place. It’s been like this for most of the week. I’ve been struggling with lots of unfamiliar staff sent out to do my support and my day schedule being screwed up for various reasons. However, I’m going to focus on the positive. I’m joining in with Sunny Sunday. Like Leigha, I am going to focus on the things I’m grateful for, from the general to the specific. I am using Maslow’s hierarchy of needs as a guide.

1. Physiological needs: Food. Particularly, the fact that we had French fries yesterday (oh wait, that’s not a need). My relatively good physical health. A roof over my head.

2. Safety needs: my financial security. The fact that my staff did try to get me a familiar staff person for my one-on-one at least part of the time (although it was after I’d had an outburst).

3. Love and belonging needs: my spouse, who phoned me this evening despite having a headache. A visit from my mother-in-law on Tuesday.

4. Esteem needs: my new day schedule, which will take effet tomorrow, giving me more time to engage in activities I enjoy. Well, technically it’s not more time in total, but the day schedule is less cut up into small parts, so I’ll have a larger time slot in the afternoon for something like polymer clay.

5. Self-actualization needs: renewed motivation for actually doing something creative. It hasn’t yet formed into something concrete, but I’m working on that.

What are you happy about?

#WeekendCoffeeShare (November 18, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I have barely touched the blog lately, but it’s not because I’ve been uninspired. Rather, I’ve mostly been doing other things online. Before I abandon it altogether, I thought I’d write a post though. I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. I’ve had my last cup of coffee for the day, but thankfully my assigned staff ordered my favorite soft drink, apple and peach-flavored Dubbelfrisss, so I’ll have that in a bit. If you’d like one too, join me. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been raining all day today and, though we were supposed to have a daytime high of 12°C, I don’t know when that was supposed to have been the case as it’s been around 7°C each time I looked at the weather on my Apple Watch. I haven’t been outside at all. I mean, I can bear the cold, but rain, yuck! I can tolerate it when it starts raining midway through a walk, but when it rains as I leave the house, I usually turn right around. Consequently, I didn’t meet my movement goal on my Apple Watch today at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure I hit an all-time low, but frankly, I don’t care.

The rest of the week, though we had some rain, it wasn’t constantly pouring. Though some days I needed to get out my winter coat, most days the daytime temperature wasn’t too cold either.

If we were having coffee, I’d cheat a little and tell you all about the meeting I had last week with my assigned staff, support coordinator, behavior specialist and my mother-in-law. Okay, who said you can only talk about the past week during a weekend coffee share? Maybe I did. Anyway, the meeting started out with my assigned staff complimenting me on how I do accept men and unfamiliar staff now. This rubbed me the wrong way, as the day prior he’d pretty much given me no choice, so what was I to do? I’ll see tomorrow whether they’ll go the full length and assign me a male staff for my ADLs (which is a big no for me), as then the female staff who normally always assigns me temp workers is working the morning shift with a male temp worker. Said temp worker is familiar with everyone here, but I am honestly quite sure she’s going to assign him to me for my morning routine anyway. Let me just say I’m going to throw a big hissy fit if this happens.

Other than that, the meeting went okay. We talked about my day schedule, which is okay in terms of how many hours of support I get but far from ideal in terms of how it’s cut up into small blocks. Since my ExtraCare (one-on-one) funding hasn’t been approved yet for next year, we’re waiting to see what happens to that to change anything. I’m pretty fearful the Care Office doesn’t consider every single moment the staff spend with me as ExtraCare, as, well, it isn’t, but the manager does. Oh well, we’ll see.

We also talked about my wish to start therapy again for my trauma-related symptoms. Upon further thought, I realized I need to work on stabilizing first before I start EMDR or whatnot. The behavior specialist is going to write an application. I am also going to work with my assigned staff on my signaling plan, which details how I can best be supported during each phase of emotional (dys)regulation.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share about my dietitian’s appt on Wednesday. It went pretty well. I am currently at a healthy weight and within the weight range I agreed upon with her. She did finally admit she doesn’t know why I’m not gaining weight when I’m having quite a lot of food in excess of my food plan. I honestly currently have far too many other things on my mind to care about this too. I mean, yes, I’m scared, but I’m scared for a lot of other reasons too.

How have you been?

I Want to Create #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

I haven’t been very inspired to create lately. Last Monday, this topic was on my mind when discussing how I’m doing at my current care home. I sometimes try to blame lack of time or familiar staff to help me create as reasons for why I hardly work with polymer clay anymore. This is indeed a factor, but it’s not everything. I’m probably also experiencing a bit of a decline in my creativity and general cognitive state. Then again, if I don’t nurture this creative side of mine, I will only deteriorate further. And, although if I had all the mental and physical energy in the world, I’d really like to be able to be more independent in other areas, creativity is what I really want to work on.

Thankfully, my crafty spirit isn’t completely gone. In fact, I believe that I still can ignite this spark of creativity that is the recognition that I want to create, so that it will become a massive flame of artistic expression.

It wasn’t even for this reason that I decided to create a gnome out of polymer clay yesterday. It’s my spouse’s birthday tomorrow and I’d be visiting my in-laws in celebration of it today. My spouse has a birthday wishlist and had already guessed correctly the gift I’d selected off of it, so I wanted a handmade gift in addition. My spouse has a large collection of gnomes, so it’d be only logical that I’d create one out of polymer clay.

Polymer clay gnome

I actually was more creative than I normally am, as usually I follow a YouTube tutorial except with my unicorns. This time though, I created the gnome completely by imagining it. The only thing I don’t like about it, is the fact that I forgot to paint a white dot in its eyes to make them look a little more alive.

This post was written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday, for which the prompt this week is “create”.

Flash Fiction: November

Posted on by Astrid

She had always felt that November was the hardest month. Filled with enough darkness to completely cloud her mind, but not enough cold to freeze her thoughts. It didn’t help that the month was filled with just a little too many memories of her totally losing the grip on life. She realized maybe the crises were more a result of her depression than her depression being the result of her memories, but either way she seemed stuck. No therapy or medication had been able to alleviate the gloom that was November yet.

It wasn’t like she exactly wanted to die. Not during these crises and not now. Sometimes though, she looked for an exit, an escape from the deep pit that is this month. Maybe, she mused, snow would be the easy way out.

This post was written for this week’s Prosery. It’s more than a little autobiographical, but since our pieces have to be flash fiction, I decided to write it in third person perspective.

Before and After

Posted on by Astrid

I rarely if ever turn the pages of an actual book these days, since I can’t read print and Braille books are just too clunky to have around. Turning pages, for this reason, is mostly just a figure of speech: I can turn the page on a memory, turn pages in the book that is my life, etc.

Sixteen years ago today, I experienced a turning point in my life, as on that day, my fragile mental state completely collapsed. The night after, at roughly 2AM on November 3, 2007, I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital.

Since then, my life consists of a “before”, in which I appeared to more or less function in life according to non-disabled standards (but was really merely surviving), and an “after”, in which I appear to have given in to the disabled side of me (but am slowly learning to live). I struggle to unite the two.

This post was written for this week’s Six Sentence Story Link-Up, for which the prompt word is “turn”.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (November 1, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s Wednesday once again, so I’m joining in with the Wednesday HodgePodge. Here we go.

1. Besides Thanksgiving (in the USA) what’s one thing you’re looking forward to in November?
Not sure really. November is the hardest month of the year for me. My spouse’s birthday is this month, but I won’t be going to our house in Lobith for the weekend. I’m pretty sure we’ll find a way to celebrate though and that’s what I’ll be looking forward to.

2. Do you like candles? Your favorite scent? How often do you burn a candle in your home?
No, I don’t. They’re not safe for me because of the flame. I used to love wax melts though. My favorite scents were sweet scents reminiscent of bakeries like those including vanilla, cinnamon and coconut.

3. What gadgets did you use today?
My laptop, iPhone and Apple Watch.

4. This question is a repeat from one asked in November of 2014, but I liked it so it’s coming round again. Many of you weren’t here in 2014. Okay, you can have fifty pounds of something (anything but money)…what will you choose? Also, since I mentioned it…what were you up to in November of 2014?
Fifty pounds of polymer clay LOL. Then I could make some giant unicorns. Seriously though, I have absolutely no idea what substance it would be useful to have fifty pounds of. Except maybe gold so that I could trade it in for money, but that’d be cheating.

As for where I was in November of 2014, I was in the psychiatric hospital in Wolfheze. If I remember correctly, the psychologist who ended up kicking me out of there in 2017 had just become my responsible clinician.

5. ‘Tis the season…what’s something you’re feeling especially grateful for today?
My mental health. It’s November and I’m struggling, but not nearly as badly as I was last year.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
As I shared yesterday that I hoped I wouldn’t have gained significantly at my weigh-in today, I owe you all the result: I lost 0.5kg.

October 2023 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the last day of the month and this means I’m reflecting on the past month’s happenings. As usual, I’m joining in with What’s Been On Your Calendar? (#WBOYC).

First, I’m finally going to share the polymer clay unicorn I crafted on September 30. Okay, that’s not technically the past month, but I didn’t fully finish it and take a picture till October 5.

My spouse joked that, judging by its colors – fuchsia, yellow and blue (the blue is called Peppermint, don’t ask me why) -, it’s typical of a specific music scene from the nineties. The staff who helped me craft this unicorn, is only slightly older than me, so she understood.

I haven’t really been crafting with clay much over the month of October. I did though help cook dinner twice. I also made a few smoothies.

I also did a good amount of walking, although I didn’t meet my movement goal every single day this month. I blame the rain, because the one day I didn’t meet the goal, it was raining almost constantly. Besides walking, I went swimming once.

My mother-in-law visited me three times this month and my spouse came by each week. My sister had originally wanted to come by this Sunday, but I prefer not to see her or my parents in the institution. Instead, my spouse and I are going to see them and my parents at Christmas.

Mental health-wise, the month has been quite good, truthfully. I mean, I’m still adjusting to my new care home and it’s October, which is a hard month for me each year. Taking this into consideration, however, I can’t complain. I am intensely grateful for the fact that most staff go out of their way to accommodate me. Initially, I was told by some that I’d be assigned the temp worker almost by default, which set me off because that was exactly what happened at my old care home and, given my attachment issues, I struggle with this. I spiraled into a bad crisis for this reason last week. Thankfully though, the staff now try their best to assign at least a somewhat familiar staff to me if they have to be a temp worker after all.

With respect to my physical health, I am happy to report I didn’t lose any more weight. In fact, I gained a few pounds. It wasn’t like I definitely couldn’t lose any more weight for my health, but I would’ve felt concerned had I lost more weight, given how much I ate over the past month. I am now within the weight range I agreed upon with my dietitian rather than slightly below it, so I’ve decided I can no longer afford as many treats as I used to consume. Yesterday, I convinced my assigned staff to add my food plan to the manila folder of important information that’s on my table in my room. After all, staff would often hand me a cookie (or two) without even thinking about it with each coffee break, despite the fact that my food plan has one only with my evening coffee break. I am due for weigh-in tomorrow morning again. Fingers crossed I won’t have gained significantly.

Hello Monday (October 30, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Oh my, I’ve once again been neglecting my blog. I honestly wouldn’t know why, since over the past few days I’ve felt pretty good. I guess I’ll blame the time of year or something. Anyway, today I’m sharing an update with you all for Hello Monday.

Saturday was a very busy day. It was mostly in a good way, but it still left me feeling overwhelmed. A staff made pancakes for lunch, which were absolutely delish. In the afternoon, I sat down with one of my staff to discuss some of the important life events I want all of my staff to know about. This was intense, as you can imagine.

In the evening, I helped another staff cook macaroni for all of the residents and staff. We started out by cooking the mince, then adding onions, garlic and peppers. We thankfully didn’t have to chop the other vegetables. I turned out to be right about the amount of macaroni we needed. Thankfully, the staff’s estimate had been higher, so we had leftovers rather than not having enough. Unfortunately, neither I nor the staff thought of freezing the leftovers, so I’m afraid they’ve gone to waste.

I had a difficult night with nightmares and interrupted sleep, but it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been several years ago.

On Sunday, my spouse visited me. We went to Starbucks a second time and, after another caramel frappuccino and a donut for me because the pumpkin spice lattes were sold out, I had to agree that my spouse had been right all along that Starbucks is a waste of our money. I mean, the donut was worse than supermarket ones and truthfully my iced coffee was worse than the one I’d had at McDonald’s several months ago, which had initially made me decide I don’t like iced coffees. However, the problem with that one wasn’t the iced coffee itself but the paper straw. This was an issue now too, of course, but the frappuccino definitely was quite bad.

We also went to Aldi to shop for groceries. I only bought crunchy muesli, since the other things I wanted I’d asked my staff to order from the delivery service.

Sunday evening, of course, it got dark at around 5:30PM already because of the end of daylight saving time. I stayed indoors and watched some TV. We’ll have general elections on November 22, so I watched a humorous political quiz-like program in preparation for it.

Last night, I slept better, thankfully. I went on several walks today. On one of them, I decided to take some fall-themed pictures. The one below was taken a short distance from my care home.

We also visited the petting zoo once again and I took a picture of the guinea pigs.

This evening, I spent my allocated activity time claying with my one-on-one staff for the moment. We both created a flower, though hers looks more like a starfish in shape and due to the colors we used, the center is hardly visible. I usually get some help with my crafting, but this time I loved being able to craft the flower pretty much independently while my staff worked on hers.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (October 25, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I last posted. The past week has been hard, but I’m feeling better now. I’m joining in with the Wednesday HodgePodge once again. Here we go.

1. October 25th is International Artists Day…do you have a favorite artist? If so tell us who and why.
No, I don’t. I’m blind so can’t appreciate paintings or other means of visual art. As for sculptures, I haven’t touched enough to know much about them.

2. Would you describe yourself as artistic? Elaborate.
No, not really. I mean, I’m creative with words and I love to craft, but I don’t have the slightest idea of what makes a good piece of art.

3. What’s a skill, task, hobby, or job you’ve done so often you now have it ‘down to a fine art’?
I’m not sure what that expression means, but if it means you can do something very well or it takes little effort, nothing.

4. How often do you dine out? Fast food, fine dining, or somewhere in between? Tell us about a less than stellar restaurant experience you’ve had recently (or not so recently if that’s easier).
I rarely dine out these days, but my spouse and I get lunch out each week. I can’t remember any recent negative restaurant experiences. I mean, having iced coffee and cake at Starbucks about a month ago was a bit disappointing.

One experience I’d like to share though, has nothing to do with the restaurant, but with the person I went eating out with. In late August, my assigned staff for my old home invited me out for lunch to say goodbye because of my move. In advance, she mentioned nothing about who would pay, so I assumed we’d each pay our own food. This, I consider already thoughtful of me, since had she not been staff, I’d assumed that her inviting me and not mentioning costs would mean she’d pay. Recently though, my spouse got the monthly care home bill for additional costs such as laundry etc. And guess what? Judging from the amount, I’ve most likely paid for both of our lunches. I’m not going after it, but next time I’m going to make sure I understand up front what I’m going to pay for something special offered to me.

5. Do you celebrate Halloween? To what extent? Are there trick or treaters where you live?
No, I don’t celebrate Halloween. I do like it though. Maybe next year I’ll get some decorations, but this year I didn’t feel like I have the space for any temporary decorations. As you know, I live in an institution, so no trick-or-treaters here.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I went swimming today. One of the staff stayed half an hour past the end of her shift to be able to support me. And yes, I did ask about having to pay for this myself, since in Raalte a client would have to pay individual support hours for this and the hourly fee is far higher than what a staff earns per hour. The staff told me I won’t need to pay. Swimming was great! There were six of us residents participating. Thankfully, the staff who supported me did ask that the music be turned off. Residents here take turns swimming, so it isn’t like I’ll be able to go each week, but I’ll most likely be able to go swimming another time.

Hometowns

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s topic for Tell Us About… is “hometowns”. I remember having to choose my hometown on Facebook and apparently it’s the city I was born in. That would be Rotterdam. I only lived there for nine years before moving to Apeldoorn for my mother’s work. Honestly, if I had to choose a town I’d consider “home” it’d be that, even though I don’t care for the rather narrow-minded people who live here. I guess the Apeldoorn area is only “home” to me because I’ve lived here the longest and I’d probably have felt much happier had I stayed in Rotterdam for life. No-one can be sure though.

When I lived in Apeldoorn between 1996 and 2007, I lived in two different neighborhoods. The one I lived in with my parents was a kid-friendly neighborhood built in the 1970s. One of my father’s acquaintances called it an unrban planning train wreck, because the streets were so disorganized you’d get lost even when you knew your way around.

The training home neighborhood was built in the late 1990s to early 2000s. My street was called Boomgaard, which translates to “Orchard” in English. Yes, all streets in that neighborhood had weird names like “Silent Garden”, “Banister”, etc. Then again, the street names in my childhood neighborhood in Apeldoorn were almost equally weird.

As a child and teen, I often went shopping in downtown Apeldoorn with my Mom and sister. I can’t say I enjoyed it (except for going to McDonald’s at the end), but it was manageable.

Since my parents also moved out of Apeldoorn, I didn’t revisit the city after moving to Nijmegen in 2007 until I moved back to the area when moving into the institution last year. One thing I noticed, and it’s only recently dawned upon me how bad it is, is how many brick-and-mortar stores have closed. A telling example is my mentioning to my spouse recently that The Body Shop has a store in Apeldoorn that we might be able to check out. To be sure, I did a store search on the website and guess what? It’s gone! I could really have known, since half the store buildings in Orangerie, the main shopping center, are empty. This really saddens me.