The Wednesday HodgePodge (November 29, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s been four weeks since I last participated in the Wednesday HodgePodge, so I thought I’d join in again. For those who don’t know what it is, the Wednesday HodgePodge is an opportunity for bloggers to answer a diverse selection of questions. Here goes.

1. Does anybody really know what day it is? Last week we skipped the Hodgepodge and I just assumed this week would find us in December, but nope. Still November. Do you wear a watch? Use a paper calendar or strictly electronic? What’s your favorite hour of the day? Why?
Well, usually I know what day it is without looking it up, but I was confused yesterday too. I told my staff, when she was looking up who would be working today, to look at the 28th. Nope though, it’s the 29th already.

I do wear a watch, ie. my Apple Watch. I bought it primarily for its activity tracking purposes, but honestly now I find myself using it as a timekeeping device too. In fact, my assigned staff at my former home said I’d keep track of staff’s whereabouts by the second. That wasn’t true, but oh well.

My favorite hour of the day is probably 8PM, as that’s when I’m most energetic. I am currently writing this blog post around that time.

2. Tell us something about how you celebrated the Thanksgiving holiday.
I didn’t. It’s not a thing here in the Netherlands. I did want to benefit from Black Friday, which is a thing (of course, since companies benefit from it ultimately), but when ordering something online that day, had forgotten to check the store’s newsletter whether they had any coupon codes.

3. What’s a sound you hate to hear?
Where to even get started? The vacuum cleaner and lawn mower come to mind now as most common sounds I hate, but I am generally very sound sensitive. Oh wait, a particularly annoying sound is people whistling.

4. Where do you not mind waiting?
Uhm, nowhere. I’m not very patient and can’t handle long periods of nothingness.

5. I really wish____________________________________.
That my one-on-one gets approved real soon.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I’m having a nasty cold. Or maybe it’s COVID, since I didn’t get tested. I doubt it though, since I’m still at roughly the same fitness level I was last week. That is, my cardio fitness level according to my Apple Watch has decreased, but it isn’t like I can no longer go for 45-minute walks.

Poem: Giving Up Is Forever

Posted on by Astrid

Pain is temporary, they say
Things will get better (eventually)
Give it some time…

Giving up is forever, they say
There’ll be no point of return
Be more resilient…

God has a plan, they say
He doesn’t give me more than I can handle
Surrender to His will…

But what if God’s will
Is to give up on me
Forever?

I wrote this poem for dVerse’s Poetics, for which the prompt today is to incorporate some form of the word “give” in your poem. As a spiritual wanderer, I find myself perpetually wrestling with the idea that life has meaning. I came across a comment on Reddit recently in which a chronic pain sufferer said more or less that the idea that one day they will be dead and no longer need to suffer, is comforting to them. The comment didn’t come from a position of “I’ll be in a better place then”, which made me think really. I am not in a space to ponder this topic further right now though.

Sunny Sunday (November 26, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m feeling all over the place. It’s been like this for most of the week. I’ve been struggling with lots of unfamiliar staff sent out to do my support and my day schedule being screwed up for various reasons. However, I’m going to focus on the positive. I’m joining in with Sunny Sunday. Like Leigha, I am going to focus on the things I’m grateful for, from the general to the specific. I am using Maslow’s hierarchy of needs as a guide.

1. Physiological needs: Food. Particularly, the fact that we had French fries yesterday (oh wait, that’s not a need). My relatively good physical health. A roof over my head.

2. Safety needs: my financial security. The fact that my staff did try to get me a familiar staff person for my one-on-one at least part of the time (although it was after I’d had an outburst).

3. Love and belonging needs: my spouse, who phoned me this evening despite having a headache. A visit from my mother-in-law on Tuesday.

4. Esteem needs: my new day schedule, which will take effet tomorrow, giving me more time to engage in activities I enjoy. Well, technically it’s not more time in total, but the day schedule is less cut up into small parts, so I’ll have a larger time slot in the afternoon for something like polymer clay.

5. Self-actualization needs: renewed motivation for actually doing something creative. It hasn’t yet formed into something concrete, but I’m working on that.

What are you happy about?

#WeekendCoffeeShare (November 18, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I have barely touched the blog lately, but it’s not because I’ve been uninspired. Rather, I’ve mostly been doing other things online. Before I abandon it altogether, I thought I’d write a post though. I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. I’ve had my last cup of coffee for the day, but thankfully my assigned staff ordered my favorite soft drink, apple and peach-flavored Dubbelfrisss, so I’ll have that in a bit. If you’d like one too, join me. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been raining all day today and, though we were supposed to have a daytime high of 12°C, I don’t know when that was supposed to have been the case as it’s been around 7°C each time I looked at the weather on my Apple Watch. I haven’t been outside at all. I mean, I can bear the cold, but rain, yuck! I can tolerate it when it starts raining midway through a walk, but when it rains as I leave the house, I usually turn right around. Consequently, I didn’t meet my movement goal on my Apple Watch today at all. In fact, I’m pretty sure I hit an all-time low, but frankly, I don’t care.

The rest of the week, though we had some rain, it wasn’t constantly pouring. Though some days I needed to get out my winter coat, most days the daytime temperature wasn’t too cold either.

If we were having coffee, I’d cheat a little and tell you all about the meeting I had last week with my assigned staff, support coordinator, behavior specialist and my mother-in-law. Okay, who said you can only talk about the past week during a weekend coffee share? Maybe I did. Anyway, the meeting started out with my assigned staff complimenting me on how I do accept men and unfamiliar staff now. This rubbed me the wrong way, as the day prior he’d pretty much given me no choice, so what was I to do? I’ll see tomorrow whether they’ll go the full length and assign me a male staff for my ADLs (which is a big no for me), as then the female staff who normally always assigns me temp workers is working the morning shift with a male temp worker. Said temp worker is familiar with everyone here, but I am honestly quite sure she’s going to assign him to me for my morning routine anyway. Let me just say I’m going to throw a big hissy fit if this happens.

Other than that, the meeting went okay. We talked about my day schedule, which is okay in terms of how many hours of support I get but far from ideal in terms of how it’s cut up into small blocks. Since my ExtraCare (one-on-one) funding hasn’t been approved yet for next year, we’re waiting to see what happens to that to change anything. I’m pretty fearful the Care Office doesn’t consider every single moment the staff spend with me as ExtraCare, as, well, it isn’t, but the manager does. Oh well, we’ll see.

We also talked about my wish to start therapy again for my trauma-related symptoms. Upon further thought, I realized I need to work on stabilizing first before I start EMDR or whatnot. The behavior specialist is going to write an application. I am also going to work with my assigned staff on my signaling plan, which details how I can best be supported during each phase of emotional (dys)regulation.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share about my dietitian’s appt on Wednesday. It went pretty well. I am currently at a healthy weight and within the weight range I agreed upon with her. She did finally admit she doesn’t know why I’m not gaining weight when I’m having quite a lot of food in excess of my food plan. I honestly currently have far too many other things on my mind to care about this too. I mean, yes, I’m scared, but I’m scared for a lot of other reasons too.

How have you been?

I Want to Create #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

I haven’t been very inspired to create lately. Last Monday, this topic was on my mind when discussing how I’m doing at my current care home. I sometimes try to blame lack of time or familiar staff to help me create as reasons for why I hardly work with polymer clay anymore. This is indeed a factor, but it’s not everything. I’m probably also experiencing a bit of a decline in my creativity and general cognitive state. Then again, if I don’t nurture this creative side of mine, I will only deteriorate further. And, although if I had all the mental and physical energy in the world, I’d really like to be able to be more independent in other areas, creativity is what I really want to work on.

Thankfully, my crafty spirit isn’t completely gone. In fact, I believe that I still can ignite this spark of creativity that is the recognition that I want to create, so that it will become a massive flame of artistic expression.

It wasn’t even for this reason that I decided to create a gnome out of polymer clay yesterday. It’s my spouse’s birthday tomorrow and I’d be visiting my in-laws in celebration of it today. My spouse has a birthday wishlist and had already guessed correctly the gift I’d selected off of it, so I wanted a handmade gift in addition. My spouse has a large collection of gnomes, so it’d be only logical that I’d create one out of polymer clay.

Polymer clay gnome

I actually was more creative than I normally am, as usually I follow a YouTube tutorial except with my unicorns. This time though, I created the gnome completely by imagining it. The only thing I don’t like about it, is the fact that I forgot to paint a white dot in its eyes to make them look a little more alive.

This post was written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday, for which the prompt this week is “create”.

Flash Fiction: November

Posted on by Astrid

She had always felt that November was the hardest month. Filled with enough darkness to completely cloud her mind, but not enough cold to freeze her thoughts. It didn’t help that the month was filled with just a little too many memories of her totally losing the grip on life. She realized maybe the crises were more a result of her depression than her depression being the result of her memories, but either way she seemed stuck. No therapy or medication had been able to alleviate the gloom that was November yet.

It wasn’t like she exactly wanted to die. Not during these crises and not now. Sometimes though, she looked for an exit, an escape from the deep pit that is this month. Maybe, she mused, snow would be the easy way out.

This post was written for this week’s Prosery. It’s more than a little autobiographical, but since our pieces have to be flash fiction, I decided to write it in third person perspective.

Before and After

Posted on by Astrid

I rarely if ever turn the pages of an actual book these days, since I can’t read print and Braille books are just too clunky to have around. Turning pages, for this reason, is mostly just a figure of speech: I can turn the page on a memory, turn pages in the book that is my life, etc.

Sixteen years ago today, I experienced a turning point in my life, as on that day, my fragile mental state completely collapsed. The night after, at roughly 2AM on November 3, 2007, I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital.

Since then, my life consists of a “before”, in which I appeared to more or less function in life according to non-disabled standards (but was really merely surviving), and an “after”, in which I appear to have given in to the disabled side of me (but am slowly learning to live). I struggle to unite the two.

This post was written for this week’s Six Sentence Story Link-Up, for which the prompt word is “turn”.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (November 1, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s Wednesday once again, so I’m joining in with the Wednesday HodgePodge. Here we go.

1. Besides Thanksgiving (in the USA) what’s one thing you’re looking forward to in November?
Not sure really. November is the hardest month of the year for me. My spouse’s birthday is this month, but I won’t be going to our house in Lobith for the weekend. I’m pretty sure we’ll find a way to celebrate though and that’s what I’ll be looking forward to.

2. Do you like candles? Your favorite scent? How often do you burn a candle in your home?
No, I don’t. They’re not safe for me because of the flame. I used to love wax melts though. My favorite scents were sweet scents reminiscent of bakeries like those including vanilla, cinnamon and coconut.

3. What gadgets did you use today?
My laptop, iPhone and Apple Watch.

4. This question is a repeat from one asked in November of 2014, but I liked it so it’s coming round again. Many of you weren’t here in 2014. Okay, you can have fifty pounds of something (anything but money)…what will you choose? Also, since I mentioned it…what were you up to in November of 2014?
Fifty pounds of polymer clay LOL. Then I could make some giant unicorns. Seriously though, I have absolutely no idea what substance it would be useful to have fifty pounds of. Except maybe gold so that I could trade it in for money, but that’d be cheating.

As for where I was in November of 2014, I was in the psychiatric hospital in Wolfheze. If I remember correctly, the psychologist who ended up kicking me out of there in 2017 had just become my responsible clinician.

5. ‘Tis the season…what’s something you’re feeling especially grateful for today?
My mental health. It’s November and I’m struggling, but not nearly as badly as I was last year.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
As I shared yesterday that I hoped I wouldn’t have gained significantly at my weigh-in today, I owe you all the result: I lost 0.5kg.

October 2023 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the last day of the month and this means I’m reflecting on the past month’s happenings. As usual, I’m joining in with What’s Been On Your Calendar? (#WBOYC).

First, I’m finally going to share the polymer clay unicorn I crafted on September 30. Okay, that’s not technically the past month, but I didn’t fully finish it and take a picture till October 5.

My spouse joked that, judging by its colors – fuchsia, yellow and blue (the blue is called Peppermint, don’t ask me why) -, it’s typical of a specific music scene from the nineties. The staff who helped me craft this unicorn, is only slightly older than me, so she understood.

I haven’t really been crafting with clay much over the month of October. I did though help cook dinner twice. I also made a few smoothies.

I also did a good amount of walking, although I didn’t meet my movement goal every single day this month. I blame the rain, because the one day I didn’t meet the goal, it was raining almost constantly. Besides walking, I went swimming once.

My mother-in-law visited me three times this month and my spouse came by each week. My sister had originally wanted to come by this Sunday, but I prefer not to see her or my parents in the institution. Instead, my spouse and I are going to see them and my parents at Christmas.

Mental health-wise, the month has been quite good, truthfully. I mean, I’m still adjusting to my new care home and it’s October, which is a hard month for me each year. Taking this into consideration, however, I can’t complain. I am intensely grateful for the fact that most staff go out of their way to accommodate me. Initially, I was told by some that I’d be assigned the temp worker almost by default, which set me off because that was exactly what happened at my old care home and, given my attachment issues, I struggle with this. I spiraled into a bad crisis for this reason last week. Thankfully though, the staff now try their best to assign at least a somewhat familiar staff to me if they have to be a temp worker after all.

With respect to my physical health, I am happy to report I didn’t lose any more weight. In fact, I gained a few pounds. It wasn’t like I definitely couldn’t lose any more weight for my health, but I would’ve felt concerned had I lost more weight, given how much I ate over the past month. I am now within the weight range I agreed upon with my dietitian rather than slightly below it, so I’ve decided I can no longer afford as many treats as I used to consume. Yesterday, I convinced my assigned staff to add my food plan to the manila folder of important information that’s on my table in my room. After all, staff would often hand me a cookie (or two) without even thinking about it with each coffee break, despite the fact that my food plan has one only with my evening coffee break. I am due for weigh-in tomorrow morning again. Fingers crossed I won’t have gained significantly.

Hello Monday (October 30, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Oh my, I’ve once again been neglecting my blog. I honestly wouldn’t know why, since over the past few days I’ve felt pretty good. I guess I’ll blame the time of year or something. Anyway, today I’m sharing an update with you all for Hello Monday.

Saturday was a very busy day. It was mostly in a good way, but it still left me feeling overwhelmed. A staff made pancakes for lunch, which were absolutely delish. In the afternoon, I sat down with one of my staff to discuss some of the important life events I want all of my staff to know about. This was intense, as you can imagine.

In the evening, I helped another staff cook macaroni for all of the residents and staff. We started out by cooking the mince, then adding onions, garlic and peppers. We thankfully didn’t have to chop the other vegetables. I turned out to be right about the amount of macaroni we needed. Thankfully, the staff’s estimate had been higher, so we had leftovers rather than not having enough. Unfortunately, neither I nor the staff thought of freezing the leftovers, so I’m afraid they’ve gone to waste.

I had a difficult night with nightmares and interrupted sleep, but it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been several years ago.

On Sunday, my spouse visited me. We went to Starbucks a second time and, after another caramel frappuccino and a donut for me because the pumpkin spice lattes were sold out, I had to agree that my spouse had been right all along that Starbucks is a waste of our money. I mean, the donut was worse than supermarket ones and truthfully my iced coffee was worse than the one I’d had at McDonald’s several months ago, which had initially made me decide I don’t like iced coffees. However, the problem with that one wasn’t the iced coffee itself but the paper straw. This was an issue now too, of course, but the frappuccino definitely was quite bad.

We also went to Aldi to shop for groceries. I only bought crunchy muesli, since the other things I wanted I’d asked my staff to order from the delivery service.

Sunday evening, of course, it got dark at around 5:30PM already because of the end of daylight saving time. I stayed indoors and watched some TV. We’ll have general elections on November 22, so I watched a humorous political quiz-like program in preparation for it.

Last night, I slept better, thankfully. I went on several walks today. On one of them, I decided to take some fall-themed pictures. The one below was taken a short distance from my care home.

We also visited the petting zoo once again and I took a picture of the guinea pigs.

This evening, I spent my allocated activity time claying with my one-on-one staff for the moment. We both created a flower, though hers looks more like a starfish in shape and due to the colors we used, the center is hardly visible. I usually get some help with my crafting, but this time I loved being able to craft the flower pretty much independently while my staff worked on hers.