Ways In Which I Was Not a Typical Teenager

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today’s Word of the Day Challenge is “Teenager”. This reminded me of a question a fellow blogger, I think it was Emilia from My Inner MishMash, once asked: in what ways we were not like a typical teenager.

This post could have been a lot shorter had I had to answer in which ways I was like a typical teenager. After all, I wasn’t like a typical teenager in any way. That doesn’t mean I didn’t try. Like, I pretended to be a Backstreet Boys fan even though I knew next to nothing about them and had hardly heard their music. I also pretended to have crushes on boys (and girls) even though I hardly knew them and quite frankly didn’t understand attraction.

I tried going to school proms the first few times in high school, but didn’t fit in at all. I also tried wearing what other girls my age wore. My mother asked my younger sister for advice when clothes shopping for me. However, somehow I always missed the mark. I couldn’t wear makeup nor was I interested in it.

With respect to interests, I have no idea what teenagers in the early 2000s were into. I did read what I assume was somewhat popular Dutch YA fiction, but had no friends so couldn’t discuss it with them.

With respect to socially appropriate behaviors, I was way off. Still am. I didn’t know how to take care of my personal hygiene, for example. I remember my sister gave me a deodorant as a birthday present when I turned fourteen, but I didn’t get the hint. Months later, when my teacher reminded me about hygiene because my classmates had been complaining, I still had no clue what an appropriate bathing and personal hygiene routine was.

Back in the day, most teenagers drank alcohol. I tried wine at home when I was fifteen (the legal age for alcohol consumption was sixteen at the time). When I was sixteen, I went out to a pub with a few classmates. I had two beers, the most alcohol I’ve ever had in a single sitting. Later that evening, a guy we were with from another school offered me and another girl in my class some pot, which we accepted. Since I hadn’t smoked beyond a whiff here and there, I probably didn’t inhale anything, as the stuff didn’t have any effect on me whatsoever.

Where it comes to Internet and social media usage, I was probably a rather naive teenager. I wrote posts like this one about my current rather than past life in my public online diary using my full name (I do think it’s still on this blog somewhere too). Not only did I not take my own privacy seriously, but I used teachers’ and other people’s full names when writing about them too. I’m so happy none have ever made a serious problem out of it and I also haven’t been the victim of online predators. That being said, I wasn’t one to make obscene comments, like some other people my age did back in the day using their full name. I would also panic when I accidentally clicked on something that might be unsuitable for minors.

In summary, in many ways, I was like a child in a teenage body. I still often feel like a child in an adult body, truthfully.

The Wednesday Hodgepodge (January 17, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. This week’s Wednesday Hodgepodge is all Pooh-themed. How lovely! I can’t wait to read everyone else’s answers, but first I’ll write up my own.

1. On January 18th we commemorate A.A. Milne’s birthday. Milne is the author of the beloved classic Winnie the Pooh. In many ways Pooh represents innocence and simplicity. His optimism and ability to see beauty in everything reminds us to appreciate the little things. What are three little things you’re appreciating in mid-January?
Little things? Let me think. First, a visit from my mother-in-law. Second, a great bargain on a winter coat last Saturday. My spouse told me fall is the right time for buying a new winter coat, but I didn’t know back then that my old winter coat would get a tear in it in January. Thankfully, my new winter coat was not only on sale for just €30 but it was also much nicer than my old one. Third, phone calls with my spouse.

2. Piglet teaches us even the smallest of individuals can achieve big things with the proper amount of determination. How do your current responsibilities make you feel?
I feel pretty good about them. Sometimes, I feel ready to take on more responsibilities. We’ll have my care plan review on the 29th, so we’ll see what comes out of that.

3. Tigger is known for his enthusiasm and energy, his boundless joy and love of life. What’s something you’re interested in learning more about in this new year?
Too many things. I want to broaden my crafty horizons, learn more about personality-related topics such as the Enneagram, start cooking for my fellow residents, etc. Oh wait, the question was specific…

4. Eeyore, while a melancholy character, teaches us the importance of resilience and perseverance. How do you stay motivated and persevere in difficult circumstances.
I try to focus on self-care and also on positive activities that I enjoy. When I’m in a rut, I celebrate even the smallest of things I accomplish with respect to self-care.

5. Last thing you ate that was made with honey?
Not a food but a drink: a smoothie to which I added honey as a sweetener. I can’t remember the last thing with honey in it I actually ate. Maybe honey licorice, although that probably just has honey flavoring in it.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
No “Freezer Fiat” yet. For whatever reason, the license plate wasn’t ready yet, so we won’t get our new car till next week.

Finding My Crafty Tribe #JusJoJan

Posted on by Astrid

I first started out crafting as an adult in 2012. Back then, it was card making. Well, let me tell you, picking that craft wasn’t the wisest choice I could’ve made. I’m not saying blind people cannot do card making per se, but I for one could not. And, even though at first I was supported in the process by my fellow card makers in what were then still E-mail groups, criticism quickly grew.

Then came jewelry-making. Same thing really. Though I can string together a basic necklace or bracelet and I don’t need kid-level beads for it, I never moved beyond that. I did make the wise choice of not participating in swaps or the like, like I had done with card making.

For a while, I participated in the trend of rainbow looming. Remember that? It’s so 2015!

Then came soap making. Though I can create a simple melt and pour soap, the fun really disappeared quickly because I never moved beyond that and the only thing I can experiment with are different scents.

And then – after a few steps along the way that I decided to skip for brevity’s sake – came polymer clay. Though I am still a beginner at that too despite having worked with the medium for 2 1/2 years and will most likely never move beyond beginner stage, I feel more like this is a medium in which I can use my creativity. Much like with card making originally, it’s a very versatile medium even for total novices.

Within the polymer clay community, I do have my tribe that I stick to. For example, there’s the Dutch polymer clay Facebook group, in which most members and all admins are incredibly supportive of me and my work. In February of 2023, I helped think up the theme for the monthly challenge. It became “unicorns”, of course, which was probably a little too narrow, as I was the only one who ended up participating. However, I do love the fact that the other members do consider me a valued contributor to the group.

This post was written for #JusJoJan, for which the prompt today, coming from me, is “craft”.

To Freewrite vs. Free to Write #JusJoJan

Posted on by Astrid

I started and restarted this post several times. I really want to broaden my horizons in the writing department. To write more, but also to write more outside of my comfort zone. In a way, I want to experience the freedom I experienced when crafting my independently-created unicorn in the writing process too.

But, as with my crafting, in the writing department, fear is holding me back. Specifically, the fear of failure. The fear of my posts not being read, not being appreciated, getting zero likes or comments. If I don’t get any engagement, why bother blogging, after all? I could just as easily keep a private journal in Day One.

Then again, even in Day One, I censor myself when writing. Even where no-one reads my writings except for possibly my future self, I’m constantly telling myself I’m a bad writer, constantly editing out mistakes or “inappropriate” wording. Yes, I even did this with my Morning Pages back when I did those several times over the past couple of years.

Is it, however, really that I’m looking to freewrite? Or is it more that I want to be free to write? What’s the difference? Well, this is a freewrite.

However, there are other ways in which I let my censor, as Julia Cameron calls it, dictate what I can and can’t write. So many in fact that I hardly write self-growth posts anymore because these don’t get much engagement, even though these are the posts I sometimes feel inspired to write. When I am free to write, I write what I feel inspired to write even when this isn’t a huge success by externally-determined standards like my stats. And who knows, maybe it will be a success someday.

This post was written for today’s #JusJoJan prompt, which is “writing”.

I’m More Spontaneous

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m participating in the Writer’s Workshop today and combining two of the prompts. One is to write a post inspired by the word “spontaneous”. The other is to share something you can do now that you couldn’t do a year ago.

I haven’t necessarily learned anything huge over the past year. However, I did improve on my crafty endeavors and the main thing I learned was to be more spontaneous. A year ago, I would follow a YouTube tutorial almost exactly as it was shown. That’s not really creating, honestly; that’s copying. Now though, I create some things using just my concept of them. Like the below cat I created yesterday. It’s not terribly imaginative, I know, but it’s a start.

Polymer Clay Cat

I am also more daring to experiment and less afraid of failing. Like, with the above cat, I used Fimo liquid deco gel even though it might smudge (it didn’t). This decreased fear of failure also led to me crafting the unicorn that I made completely independently just before New Year’s. While courage isn’t necessarily a skill I acquired over the past year, since it’s not a skill at all, it’s definitely helped me improve.

In other areas of life, I am also more spontaneous and more daring than I used to be. The reason is probably in part the fact that my staff give me the necessary predictability rather than leaving me to complete and utter chaos. I’m still on the less spontaneous side of the spectrum, but that’s totally okay.

The Wednesday Hodgepodge (January 10, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Sorry for not having touched the blog in a few days. I really mean to blog more this year, but have been struggling a bit lately again so no inspiration. Today it’s time for the Wednesday Hodgepodge though, so this post should come relatively easily. Here goes.

1. What’s a change you’d like or need to make this year?
I’d like to taper at least one of my medications.

2. Break the ice, on thin ice, ice skating, tip of the iceberg, ice cold…which icy idiom applies to your life right now? Explain.
Ice cold. It’s been freezing for a couple of days now. It’s a dry frost though, so no need for people to remove ice from their cars. In the early mornings, the temperature dropped to -7°C with a real feel of -15°C.

3. What’s a project you’ve been putting off? Will you get to it this month? This year?
Decorate my room. I’m not sure I’ll get to it this month, but definitely this year.

4. Of the fruits that grow well in winter which ones have you tried? Which is your favorite?

pomegranates, clementines, persimmons, passion fruit, pears, grapefruit, lemons, pomelos, kumquats
I have tried about half of this list: pomegranates, pears, grapefruits, clementines, lemons and that’s it I think. I don’t really care for any of them, but if I have to choose one, I’ll go for clementines.

5. What do you think it means to be courageous?
I don’t really know. I think it includes standing up for oneself and others in the face of persecution. Then again, it could also include standing up for what’s right, but what’s “right” depends on your viewpoint. Like, I’m pretty sure half the Hodgepodge’ers wouldn’t feel included in my “all-inclusive” society because their values do not align with my purpose of inclusion. In this sense, courage is really not unrelated to one’s political or religious affiliation and whether someone is a hero or an idiot depends on whether you agree with them or not.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
On Saturday, my spouse will be visiting me after picking up the new car we’re getting. I can’t wait to sit in our “freezer Fiat”, as we’ve been jokingly calling it. We call our current car the “heat-up Micra”, as it has no air conditioning and is black and our previous car had broken heating so was ice cold in winter. The “freezer Fiat” will, thankfully, come with air conditioning.

Lovin’ Lately (January 5, 2024) #FridayFavorites

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I haven’t shared the things I loved recently in a while, so I thought today it would be fun to do so. As usual, I’m linking up with Friday Favorites.

1. My new clay extruder. I got the Makin’s Professional® stainless steel one. It’s a lot sturdier than my previous extruder, which I managed to damage within weeks of getting it. I only got the new one yesterday, so am still learning to use the extruder. For this reason, I haven’t really made anything using it yet.

2. Cernit polymer clay. This is a new to me brand of polymer clay and I haven’t yet made anything out of it either, but I’m loving all the beautiful colors it comes in.

3. The book The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut. Okay, this one I’ve had for a few weeks already, but I really like it and, since I haven’t done a list of my favorite things in a few months, I think I can still mention it. It really helps explain not just the Enneagram types, but also the instinctual variants.

4. The book Feelings First Shadow Work by Benjy Sherer. The author advertised the book in one of the personal growth groups on Facebook I belong to, saying something about what if, say, your leg hurts because of a baseball hitting it ten years ago and you kept going to the field to chase that baseball down. That, he claims, is what most people do when they start doing shadow work: focusing their minds on details of past traumas rather than truly feeling their current feelings and processing those. I cannot articulate what the author said nearly as well as he could, but his words were spot on. Another appealing factor about the book is the fact that it has journaling promts. Then came the big bummer: we’re instructed to read the entire book first before jumping to the journal prompts. Having the short attention span that I do, I’ve only just started the book, but it so far seems quite cool.

5. A huge chocolate Christmas tree. Unfortunately for you (or maybe fortunately as I’d just make your mouths water), I’ve already eaten part of it, so I cannot take a picture. I got it from a temp worker on Wednesday when we strolled down to the town’s bakery to buy some apple-filled pastries called “appelflappen” for the two of us and the thing stared at her. She said she gave it to me as I was her first client of 2024. How lovely!

The Wednesday Hodgepodge (January 3, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s Wednesday, so I’m back joining the Wednesday Hodgepodge. I love this week’s questions, even though I’m pretty sure most came along during the first Hodgepodge of 2023 too. Here goes.

1. Every January 1st since 1976 Lake Superior University has published a list of words they’d like to see banished from the Queen’s English. Words may be banished due to misuse, overuse or just general uselessness. Here are the words/phrases they’d like to see banished in 2024-
hack, impact, at the end of the day, rizz, slay, iconic, cringe worthy, obsessed, side hustle, wait for it
Which of these words/phrases would you most like to see banished from everyday speech and why? Are any of these a regular part of your speech? Is there a word not on the list that you’d like to add?
I don’t care for the term “side hustle”. Other than that, I don’t really think any of these words/phrases are particularly cringe worthy (pun intended). I do use “at the end of the day”, but not any others out of this list. That doesn’t mean I don’t misuse or overuse words a lot. Think “particularly” above.

2. What do you wish you’d done more of last year? Less of?
More of: writing, both on my blog and in my journal.
Less of: worrying.

3. A place you’d like to visit in this new year? Do you think you will?
I really don’t know. I have no travel plans and actually don’t care for vacations.

4. What are three words to sum up or describe your 2023?
Emotional, stressful, hopeful.

5. What advice would you like to give yourself as we begin a new year?
Be open to the possibilities that come your way.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I have been trying out the WordPress block editor, because I wanted to participate in #Bloganuary. So far, it’s still quite the learning curve and I’m happy the classic editor is still available. In fact, I doubt I’ll move over to the block editor full-time anytime unless I’m forced to. However, I’m glad the two posts I wrote using the block editor haven’t been ruined (yet) or disappeared altogether, like happened to some I did several years ago.

What “Playtime” Means to Me #Bloganuary

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt from #Bloganuary asks us about playtime. What does “playtime” mean to me? Do I play in my daily life?

Honestly, it depends on how one would define “playtime”. I, as someone who does not work, could consider my day activities “playtime”. I mean, there are individuals who do work-like day activities, but I don’t. Indeed, I’m pretty sure I consider working with polymer clay “playtime”.

For 2024, I am considering restarting some adapted version of The Artist’s Way. I mean, I cannot do Artist’s Dates completely by myself, but I can be more creative doing them than I would otherwise be. As Julia Cameron says, doing the work of the Artist’s Dates and other tasks in the book is really play, and I’m pretty sure I agree.

I also sometimes do actual things considered “playtime” by most adults, such as go on swings or roundabouts. We have adult-size playground equipment on institution grounds that I occasionally go on.

No Longer Defective #Bloganuary

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s daily prompt for #Bloganuary is to share about your biggest challenges. At one point, I believe I wrote on this blog that my biggest challenge ever is my poor distress tolerance. Right now, I’d like to take it to a deeper level and say that my two biggest challenges are basic mistrust and a sense of being defective. I think the sense of being defective is even worse. This stems from my being an Enneagram type Four – or my being a Four is a result of my sense of defectiveness. In fact, the most distressed Fours are called “Defectives”. The healthiest are called “Appreciators”.

Being an externally-oriented Four – I’m undecided as to whether my instinctual variant is Social or Sexual -, I commonly blame others, be they in my past or present, for my sense of defectiveness. Now it is true that my parents commonly alternated between idealizing and devaluing me, that I was severely bullied in school and that I suffered numerous other traumas. That’s an explanation. It’s not an excuse.

There’s a thing I forgot to list when writing my not-quite-resolutions for 2024 earlier today: to work on personal growth more. I mean, honestly, I’m pretty stable where it comes to the most severe of (C-)PTSD symptoms. I do still get nightmares and flashbacks, but they do not ruin my day nearly everyday. Rather, my main issues are probably clinically classified as personality disorder symptoms, shameful as that feels to me to admit. I may or may not need a therapist to work on those, and if I do need one, I may or may not be able to find one. I can, however, work on exploring my issues on my own. I want to stop seeing myself as defective and start moving towards becoming the appreciator I know I can be.