Desperate Yet Determined #WotW

Hi everyone. What a week it’s been. I’ve been swinging between despair and determination, sometimes experiencing both at the same time. Let me share.

Last week, I was in a very depressive, dysregulated, suicidal state. I finally managed to tell my assigned home staff about the nature of the “monster” in me, ie. my suicidal thoughts. She decided to E-mail the current behavior specialist assigned to my care home asking her for help in finding me someone to talk to about this. I mean, I have my nurse practitioner at mental health, but I cannot seem to get it through to him how I’m truly feeling.

I also E-mailed my nurse practitioner, only to get a response saying we’ll talk about it on the 23rd. Well, that was the final straw for me and I’ve pretty much decided I’ve had it with treatment with him. I mean, I know I should have called the team, but it’s not like this is the first time he doesn’t pick up on my signals, be it in E-mails, on the phone or even face-to-face. Our talks have pretty much been meaningless forever. Honestly, the only thing he’s helped me with is getting the right medication, the topiramate, for my nightmares.

This week, I’ve been swung back and forth between the thought that truly there is no hope for me and the thought that, maybe, if I stand my ground firmly enough, I will be able to access the right help somewhere.

I’ve also been ruminating over those two years I’ve been in treatment with my current mental health team. My nurse practitioner told me a year ago that “we could search half the country for a suitable therapist but that wouldn’t make sense”, adding that we’re stuck with each other (as if it was something he hadn’t just decided on himself). Half a year earlier, he wanted to refer me to the specialist autism center, but that got shoved off the table for a reason I was never told. I have been saying for all of the two years that I’ve been in treatment with this team that there are two things I want to work on: my trauma-related symptoms and seeing if I can lower my antipsychotic. Neither has even remotely been started yet. After two years, I’m done.

I am not so naive to think my nurse practitioner is actually going to give in and actually help me find someone else this time around. I have a tiny bit of hope focused on the behavior specialist for my care home, but not much. Even so, I’m pretty sure I can get by with no help from any mental health professionals at all. It won’t be easy on me or my staff, and that’s one reason my staff might pressure me to stick with mental health. Thankfully, so far they don’t.

On the physical health front, I’ve also been swung back and forth between despair and determination. After thinking kind of wishfully that my abdominal discomfort was almost gone last week, it returned on Saturday and has been pretty bad all of this week. Nonetheless, my GP wants me to stick to my current regimen of one magnesium tablet (laxative) per day for two more weeks and have the staff call back to evaluate then. I was pretty upset yesterday when I heard this. Now I’m more resigned to the idea that there’s no hope for improvement of my symptoms.

Overall, right now, despair is taking over, but thankfully I’m not actively suicidal right now. There must be some tiny flame of determination in me somewhere.

How was your week?

Word of the Week linky

25 thoughts on “Desperate Yet Determined #WotW

  1. Stress does make stomach problems worse, of course. So hopefully your determination to get the proper care from your behavior specialist will result in an updated plan that can relieve some stress. Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much. I really hope so too, but am not too optimistic. The Dutch mental health system is heavily based on protocols and what are called d iagnosis-treatment combinations, ie. you get the therapy appropriate to your diagnosis. I’m not even sure what my current diagnosis is, but probably my code is just something about me being a long-term patient since I’m with an assertive community treatment team.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to swinging back and forth between despair and determination. One day I can be full of gumption and ready to take on whatever comes my way. The next day, I want to hide from the world, I am so defeated and discouraged. It sounds to me that your counselor/psychiatrist is not the perfect fit. He might be excellent but just not be right for you. The last counselor I met with told me she might not be the right fit for me…which had never occurred to me. And, in fact, she was a lovely person but not the right fit for me.

    Hope you find someone new to listen, to advise and help you through those bleak days. Please know you are not alone. There are lots of folks you care for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your supportive comment. The problem is, I’ve had many treatment providers in the past and hardly any that seemed the right fit for me. I think it’s because I have multiple, complex mental health issues. Then again, I feel rather off about the fact that I’m kind of stuck with this one just because I’m apparenly too complex to try to find a suitable treatment provider.


  3. Hang on in there! Getting help for mental health is abysmal in all settings, especially at the moment. It shouldn’t be like this. Keep talking, find people who understand, keep doing the things you love and I hope that you will soon be on top of this. You sound determined, so use that, and please stay safe. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. I am determined indeed, but like you say, getting mental health help at all is difficult at the moment. It makes it worse that I am a rather complex case. I am so glad to have the support of the blogging community as well as my staff.


  4. “There must be some tiny flame of determination in me somewhere.” I’m grateful for that. I just read where someone said to look for one pinprick of light. Sounds very similar to your tiny flame of determination. Stick with it, Astrid! Thanks for your honesty here.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. “Overall, right now, despair is taking over, but thankfully I’m not actively suicidal right now. There must be some tiny flame of determination in me somewhere.”

    Oh man, how I can relate to that! I’m glad you have that “tiny flame.” 🔥

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m so sorry that you’ve been struggling lately and that you’re not getting the support you need from your nurse practitioner. It’s good that you feel able to talk about it though and be open and hopefully doing so helps in some way. Good on you for being determined and glad that your staff sound like they’re being supportive and not putting you under pressure to stick with something that isn’t helping you right now. I hope that you find the support that you need, and that your stomach problems get better soon as well. Sending you a big virtual hug and hope that things start to feel brighter again for you soon x #WotW

    Liked by 1 person

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