#WeekendCoffeeShare (April 13, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. How have you been? I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare today. I’m writing this post in the afternoon on Saturday, but might not finish it until the evening as I’ll try to fully enjoy my one-on-one support time while there’s staff I get along with well in the home today. It’s a little warm for coffee, so if you’d like a cup of that, fine by me, but I could also offer you orange and tangerine-flavored Dubbelfrisss. I also should still have a couple Mars ice cream bars in the freezer. Let’s have a drink or ice cream and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee (as I always say), first, I’d talk about the weather. It’s been on the warm side for April here. Last week Saturday, the daytime temperature even rose to 25°C. Yesterday and today, we got daytime highs of 21 and 22°C respectively. The rest of this week, the temps have been lower and we did get some rain. Next week, we’re supposed to get daytime temps barely above 10°C, which I don’t like. However, that’s probably closer to normal.

If we were having coffee, next I’d tell you all that I’m still going strong keeping up with my physical activity by walking everyday. So far, I’ve closed all three of my activity rings on my Apple Watch each day since the beginning of the month (and possibly a few days at the end of March too. I’m aiming for a perfect month with respect to my movement ring at least, which I haven’t had since last September.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I finally got the long-awaited orthopedic shoes. They fit well, but the brace that’s in them doesn’t effectively help my really bad drop foot and as a result, the left shoe got noticeably damaged after only two fifteen-minute walks.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that, last Sunday, my spouse and I together worked on a polymer clay project. I’d proposed we create a unicorn, but my spouse came up with the idea of crafting a triceratops (“unicorn dino” with three horns) instead. It was fun, but definitely an exercise in letting go of my need for control.

Polymer Clay Triceratops

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that the rest of the week was quite hard. I’ve been struggling with feeling quite depressed lately. I have been feeling like my world is becoming smaller and smaller with all the things I cannot do. It’s been more so on my mind lately given that many of my fellow residents are going on the home’s yearly week-long sleepaway camp at the end of the month and it’s not even been asked to me directly whether I wanted to go too. Rather, I overheard the staff talking about the camp a few months back and mumbled about it not appealing to me and that’s the end of it. I’m supposed to stick to my day schedule, which currently consists mostly of walking around institution grounds and playing dice games. Some staff say I might be able to be in the communal room more, but to be honest I don’t care about being in the communal room just sitting around.

Yesterday, I tried making a cheesecake with my assigned staff in the communal room but got overloaded by one of the other clients (who will stay here during the camp as well). It led me to spiral into a massive emotional outburst. After all, now everyone tells me I’ll never have a better life anywhere anyway so I’d better accept the life I have now. Why didn’t anyone tell me this two years ago? The answer is simple: at least some of the people at the care facility in Raalte secretly wanted to get rid of me. This is intensely saddening to me.

If we were having coffee, I would end on a positive note though by saying that one of the staff who told me to accept my life yesterday, offered to take me on a short car trip to Deventer this afternoon. We had a cup of coffee (I decided to buy both of ours) and walked around the marketplace, where the staff bought me a stroopwafel and I bought a small serving of garlic-filled olives.

Gratitude: Big Things I Am Grateful For Right Now #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone and welcome to my letter G post in the #AtoZChallenge. Today, I want to share what I’m grateful for. Specifically, I want to share the bigger, more important things in life I’m grateful for right now. Here goes.

First is my relative health. I am at a healthy weight, am able to walk about 5km at a time on good days and generally sleep about eight hours a night. I haven’t felt truly well physically in, well, forever, but I do feel okay.

Next up is food. I don’t have to go hungry. In fact, even though the meal delivery service meals are yucky most of the time, my breakfasts and lunches are good. And the meal delivery service meals are okay in terms of nutritional requirements. Moreover, when I really can’t stand the food we get here, I can afford to buy myself something else.

Finances are up next. When answering some questions for a parody voting guide back in the fall, one of them was whether you have a good income. Even though I’m on benefits, I answered “Yes”. I don’t have to worry about money generally.

Next is the fact that I have a roof over my head. Two, in fact, if counting my and my spouse’s house in Lobith.

Then, of course, I need to mention my spouse. Our relationship has survived many hurdles, so I’m pretty sure we’ll always be soulmates.

With my spouse come my in-laws. I am so lucky to have them! My mother-in-law is my informal representative and my family contact for the care home.

These are just a few of the things I’m grateful for. I could go on to mention the fact that I have a nice bed to sleep in, technology that allows me to communicate with the world and spend my leisure time, and so on and so forth. But instead, I’ll leave you with just this: right now, I’m grateful to be alive.

Friendship: What It Means to Be a Friend #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. For my letter F post in the #AtoZChallenge, I had a lot of choices and yet this actually overwhelmed me. I am once again doing a post on a topic I think I covered in 2019 too, ie. friendship. What does it mean to be a friend?

My spouse and I are best friends. Since we aren’t in a traditional relationship due to for example not living together, we need to find other ways to make our relationship work. However, we were friends before we were a couple.

As someone who didn’t have any friends beyond elementary school until I met my now spouse, I am not the best possible judge of what makes a friendship tick. I mean, I can look at what psychologists say about the development of friendships from early childhood into adulthood.

For instance, three-year-olds say someone is their friend because they play with them on the see-saw and “doesn’t want to be their friend anymore” as soon as the other child isn’t any longer interested in the same activity. I have this kind of relationship with some of my fellow residents.

As a child gets older, they develop more perspective about the fact that other children aren’t just momentary playmates, but their viewpoint is still very one-sided. For example, a six-year-old might consider someone their friend because they save them a seat at the bus or give them treats. They don’t yet fully comprehend mutual give-and-take though.

This follows at the next stage, which starts at around age six and continues throughout elementary school age. At this point, children are very fairness-conscious and usually have rigid rules for give-and-take.

At my very best, I am stuck at this stage. Usually though, I am at the second stage, hard as I find it to admit this. I, after all, usually only think of giving something in return for the things (material or immaterial) my spouse gives me when I’m in a very healthy place mentally.

At the next stage, which starts at around age eleven, children develop intimate friendships in which they mutually support each other. They help each other solve problems and confide feelings in each other that they don’t share with anyone else. Like I said, I never had friends beyond elementary school before meeting my spouse. Though I did and do confide in my spouse, I am pretty bad at offering my spouse any emotional support in return.

Finally, adolescents and adults have mature friendships in which they emphasize emotional closeness over anything else. They can accept, sometimes even appreciate their friends being significantly different from them. People at this stage emphasize trust, knowing their friendship will be long-lasting even through temporary separations and differences.

Bulimia (Or Something Like It): My Relationship With Food and My Body (Revisited) #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all and welcome to my letter B post in the #AtoZChallenge. Today, I’d like to share a more personal piece and describe my history of disordered eating and body image issues. After publishing this post, I saw I did a post on this topic in 2019 too.

I first started struggling with a negative body image when I was about thirteen. I remember writing stupidly specific worries in my diary about food and my weight, such as whether the nails I’d bitten off would cause me to gain weight. All the while, I didn’t realize that I was, in fact, pretty close to overweight if not overweight already from consuming enormous quantities of candy on weekends and daily sausage rolls at the school cafeteria.

I was lucky that I never became significantly overweight until around age 25. By that time, I had developed something at least bordering on bulimia: I ate a full 500g bag of candy, sometimes more, in one ten-minute sitting at least three times a week. I also purged, although I did that after regular meals as much as after bingeing.

In the six years that followed, I gained over 20kg in weight and, by the time I was kicked out of the psych hospital to live with my spouse in 2017, I weighed 80kg. At my height of 1.53m, this is quite far in the obese range.

Yet my body image wasn’t as much of a concern to me at the time. Yes, I hated the way I looked, but at the same time I was too careless and unmotivated to change my habits. I had stopped purging for the most part by the time I moved in with my spouse, although I still occasionally did it as a form of emotion regulation.

Now, I’ve been at a healthy weight for about a year. Don’t ask me how I got here, as honestly I don’t really know. I mean, yes, I’ve been supported by a dietitian since early 2022, but honestly I can’t quite say I follow her advice. I mean, okay, I no longer binge due to my food being locked away, but I do snack on “bad” foods all the time.

My body image, honestly, is still as screwed as it always was. I still swing between underestimating and overestimating my size, between hating my body and not caring about it. I still purge occasionally, though not really out of a wish to lose weight, but more out of a need to self-regulate.

Looking back, I don’t think I ever had a genuine eating disorder. I mean, I might’ve at one point met the criteria for binge eating disorder, but I’m not so sure about that. I think my disordered eating is really more a symptom of my emotion regulation difficulties.

My First Airplane Trip

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. A lot is still on my mind, but today, I’d like to write a lighthearted post. Thanks to John Holton, who provides the Writer’s Workshop prompts, I now have several ideas. One is to write about my first airplane trip. Let me share.

My first airplane trip was also my first trip abroad and my first vacation without my parents. It was a trip from Schiphol (Amsterdam) airport to Moscow on August 4, 2000. I was flying Aeroflot, a relatively okay Russian airline. Still, everyone clapped when the airplane landed successfully, something I recently found out stopped in the 1970s with Western airlines.

One thing I remember quite distinctly is the horrible pain in my ears and head in general during takeoff and landing. I haven’t flown in years, but the memories came back when my spouse reminded me about it, having had a similar experience on a recent airplane trip. Honestly, I can’t imagine people actually taking pictures while the plane is taking off or coming down.

I still did have a tiny amount of vision back in 2000, so remember looking at the clouds once the aircraft had fully risen.

I also to this day remember the film playing in the airplane. Not that I could understand any part of it, as it was in Russian, but my fellow travelers explained to me that it was called something like “I want to go to prison”. The plot revolved around a Russian character who had heard that, in Dutch prisons, inmates get their own TV etc. (something that isn’t exactly true, by the way), so he wanted to flee to the Netherlands even if it meant going to prison. I bet nowadays this film wouldn’t be considered appropriate.

Gratitude List (March 9, 2024) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. This past week has been tough. I was going to write an update only to realize there’s no #WeekendCoffeeShare this week. I could do one on my own, but that’d just leave room for endless negativity. Instead, for this reason, I’m going to turn things around and do a gratitude post. As usual, I’m joining Ten Things of Thankful. I’m going to cheat a little and do this gratitude list for the past ten days so that I can provide a little update anyway.

1. I’m grateful for the night nurse on duty during the night of February 29/March 1. Like I said on February 29, I was intensely triggered by my intake interview for therapy. Though I tried to calm myself down, it didn’t work and I ended up self-harming after my staff had left by throwing boiling hot water over my leg. Thanks to the night staff and particularly the night nurse, who cooled the wound under the shower for over half an hour, I am left with superficial second-degree burns. The wounds still cover most of the front side of my upper leg, but I realize things could’ve been a lot worse.

2. I am grateful my wounds are healing as well as can be expected. I’m getting them dressed once a day now, which is frustrating and sometimes very painful. I looked up my kind of burn (that’s how I found out there are two kinds of second-degree burns) and it usually heals within two weeks. Yay!

3. I am grateful for French fries on Sunday. As I couldn’t walk on Sunday (or most of this week, for that matter) because the band-aid that was on my leg would fall off if I did, I decided that my spouse shouldn’t come by for a visit. Instead, my staff took me to the institution cafeteria in a wheelchair to have fries and some snacks. They were delicious!

4. I am grateful for nice weather last week Sunday as well as over the past couple days. Last Sunday, the daytime temperature rose to 15°C. When having the fries I mentioned above, we sat in the cafeteria yard.

5. I am grateful I am feeling slightly better mentally. I definitely hit rock bottom on February 29 and from that place, you can only go up. I will have to see how things work out in the long run, as the behavior specialist is going to try to talk to the therapist I met on Feb 29 to see whether any changes to the plan need to be made. Though I’m ready to give it a try, particularly the thought of doing the therapy without the support of my staff, feels overwhelming.

6. I am grateful that my support coordinator listened to me when discussing the outcome of the monthly team meeting with me. The team meeting was on Monday and, though I had already asked that some things would be discussed, such as my day schedule, my self-harm made things a priority. The day schedule isn’t changing, as I expected, but I honestly don’t mind as much.

Initially, in the team meeting, the staff had agreed to stick with announcing staff switches half an hour in advance. I was really disappointed. Though I understand the staff don’t want to designate a one-on-one shift, I feel it will help me immensely if I know more in advance who’s going to support me for my activity slots. I am grateful my support coordinator reluctantly agreed to this.

7. I am grateful my support coordinator reassured me that she and the behavior specialist at least aren’t planning on asking for less one-on-one for me anytime soon. Of course, they aren’t the ones making those decisions, but then again neither is the therapist I met last week.

8. I am grateful I did manage a few crafty endeavors over the past week. Not as many as I’d hoped, but I did craft yet another polymer clay unicorn, as well as finally making the crocodile I’d promised one of the male staff here. He actually helped me make it. It’s maybe a little too cute, but oh well.

Polymer Clay Crocodile

9. I am grateful my spouse came by for a visit today. We sat in my room talking, playing a card game and such, as I still didn’t feel comfortable going out.

10. I am grateful for the few short (as in, fifteen minutes tops) walks I did manage over the past few days. It’s been a pain f(sometimes literally) inding the right band-aids and other things to go over the wound. Let’s hope Dr. Google is right and my wound heals within the expected timeframe of two weeks.

No Such Thing As “Minor” Trauma

Posted on by Astrid

Recently, there was a discussion online I participated in about what caused our complex PTSD. I mentioned emotional, mental and physical abuse, bullying, a few instances of sexual violation and medical trauma. Most others not only went into far more detail than I was comfortable, but also discussed traumatic experiences that seemed far worse compared to those I’d gone through. When I mentioned this, saying reading others’ stories made me feel as though my trauma was minor, someone else commented how there’s no such thing as “minor” trauma.

Indeed, if something was significant enough to have caused C-PTSD, it was traumatic, and this means it was major. I am reminded of something my spouse said at one point when I was seeing a potential new trauma therapist back in 2013 (who ended up rejecting me for reasons not related to me). I was doubting the reality of my trauma. To this, my spouse said that, in reality, something as “minor” as slipping on the bathroom floor, could be life-threatening, so in theory I could’ve developed PTSD from that. I didn’t and I didn’t develop PTSD from any of my countless other falls, but I might have. Of course, this is a bit far-fetched, and of course I couldn’t have developed complex PTSD from falling, but I hope my point is clear: it’s not always easy to distinguish between events that objectively speaking count as trauma and things that don’t.

There are trauma centers here in the Netherlands that adhere very strictly to criterion A (the presence of things that count as trauma, according to professionals) in DSM-5 for treating people with (C-)PTSD. I’m not sure I’d meet their criterion. I mean, yes, I did experience exactly one potentially life-threatening medical event that I remember, when I was four. I was also hit quite regularly, but does that go beyond “tough love”? If it doesn’t, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t meet the trauma criterion for (C-)PTSD.

Then again, I’m not seeking to get into one of these centers. Tomorrow, I’ll have a get-to-know-me appointment with the care agency’s therapy practice. They haven’t yet decided whether they can help me or not. I hope they can, because right now I’m feeling rather hopeless.

The Wednesday Hodgepodge (February 14, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Happy Valentine’s Day! It’s Wednesday and I’m joining in with the Wednesday Hodgepodge. Here goes.

1. What does love mean to you?
To me, it means thinking that (and acting accordingly) someone is special to you. This special someone could be God, someone else, but it could be yourself too. I mean, I know that in many traditions, it is commonly believed that to love is to value someone higher than yourself, but I do think self-love is love too. In fact, I recently commented on someone else’s blog that, if everyone loves themselves, no-one will be unloved.

2. Is love blind?
I am blind, so my love certainly is. However, whether love in general is blind, I honestly wouldn’t know. I’m not even 100% sure what this expression is supposed to mean. Probably something along the lines of love preventing people from judging the person they love. Which would be weird, since justice is also characteristically thought of as blind. Oh well, maybe it means love prevents people from judging others based on appearance. In that case, as someone who has never been attracted to anyone for their appearance (in fact, I didn’t know my now spouse’s hair color until we’d been together for several months) but seems to be in the minority here, I cannot be trusted to give my representative opinion on this.

3. How do you remember Valentine’s Day as a kid? Do you have any special plans for the day this year?
I don’t remember it as a kid. In fact, I don’t think back in the mid-1990s, it was a thing for kids here in the Netherlands. In high school, I do remember kids handing out roses and can vaguely remember once having gotten one, probably as a prank.

My spouse and I aren’t celebrating this year. In fact, though we used to give each other small presents each Valentine’s Day, this year, since we both have a lot on our minds, we decided to take the pressure off by agreeing we’d give each other presents whenever we felt like it. I honestly feel that, in a committed relationship, love is an everyday thing. If you need Valentine’s Day to remind each other you still love one another, I doubt the relationship is going to last.

4. Are you a fan of the movie genre known as “rom-com”? What’s your favorite (or one of your favorites)?
I’m not a movie watcher, so no. In books, I do like them occasionally but I wouldn’t say I’m a fan.

5. What’s something you recently put your heart into?
Nothing. I’m struggling a bit, so I don’t feel inspired for any bigger (or even smaller) projects.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I enjoyed a great Thai meal out with my mother-in-law yesterday evening. We went to Buddha Garden, the same restaurant in Apeldoorn I’d been to with my spouse and parents for my birthday. The food was just as delicious as it’d been the last time I went there.

January 2024 Reflections #WBOYC

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s the last day of January, so I’m reflecting back on the past month. This month was rather eventful but slow-going at the same time. Christmas sounds like centuries ago. As usual, for my monthly reflections, I’m linking up with What’s Been on Your Calendar? (#WBOYC).

The month started out rather positively with me being full of energy, new hope and inspiration. Indeed, I did create some cool new polymer clay things over the past month, including a Valentine’s frog. That one now stands on a Valentine’s Day-themed (well, kind of) table in the living room of the other side of the home.

Polymer Clay Valentines Day Frog

I also crafted the cat I showed you all earlier, a penguin, a rabbit and a few things that I might be turning into earrings at some point.

Last week, I also cooked rice and chicken for myself and my fellow residents. This was great.

Early in the month, I didn’t have many visitors due to various circumstances, but thankfully I was able to see my spouse twice this month anyway. I also saw my mother-in-law twice, on the 16th because it was every-other-Tuesday (we’d skipped the 2nd because I was sick) and last Monday because I had my care plan review.

This care plan review probably warrants its own post, since it was a lot to process. Midway through the month some issues that I’ve been having with my assigned staff, that I can’t go into here, came to a point where I was greatly struggling too. This and some other things, including the fact that I frankly don’t do as well with male staff as I do with female staff, have led me to request another assigned staff. Whether this can happen, I’m not yet sure of, but I hope so. Thankfully, I do have my support coordinator, with whom I do get along.

A week and a half ago, she and I finally finished my new crisis signaling plan. This has yet to be brought under the attention of all staff and even then, staff have to be willing to follow it.

Last week, a staff not being willing to follow this plan, led to me having a massive meltdown. More specifically, I spiraled out of control because the staff assigned me a temp worker for the late shift, while that entire day there were no staff I sort of trust except for one and she, contrary to what’s in my plan, refused to come over for just five minutes. I was a horrible person to her and the other staff and there’s no justifying that, but it’s sad to realize that her coming over for just five minutes might’ve prevented an evening-long meltdown.

Over the past week, I’ve generally been struggling with all the staff changes, changes to my one-on-one for various reasons and general chaos. I feel, truthfully, like I’m swimming in the North Sea again, as I explained it at my care plan review. The way I explained it then, when I was in Raalte in late 2021, it was like swimming at the shallow end of the pool as far as support went. And, while, like every toddler that needs to learn to swim having their days when they resist the water, I had my bad days, they weren’t due to poor support. Then, the first male staff and, later, some temp workers were introduced to me and I had to endure the odd day when I didn’t get my allocated one-on-one. I struggled massively with this challenge and this was the main reason I decided to move. Then, at the intensive support home, I was thrown right into the Pacific Ocean: a day schedule that was rather stupid, constant staff changes, me always being assigned the new temp worker, etc. Now, on good days, I feel like I’m swimming in a calm lake and, on bad days, I feel like I’m swimming in the North Sea. And then there are those really good days when I feel like I’m back in the pool. Those are the days I’m supported by my “favorites”, as my assigned staff calls them. And just so you know, just because I survived my previous home, doesn’t mean I coped or can cope with the current chaos of my home. Yes, it’s better than it was, but that doesn’t mean it’s good. I try to be understanding of the fact that everyone faces staff shortages, temp workers, etc., but honestly, listening to all the “everyone has to give a little” wears me down.

The Wednesday Hodgepodge (January 17, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. This week’s Wednesday Hodgepodge is all Pooh-themed. How lovely! I can’t wait to read everyone else’s answers, but first I’ll write up my own.

1. On January 18th we commemorate A.A. Milne’s birthday. Milne is the author of the beloved classic Winnie the Pooh. In many ways Pooh represents innocence and simplicity. His optimism and ability to see beauty in everything reminds us to appreciate the little things. What are three little things you’re appreciating in mid-January?
Little things? Let me think. First, a visit from my mother-in-law. Second, a great bargain on a winter coat last Saturday. My spouse told me fall is the right time for buying a new winter coat, but I didn’t know back then that my old winter coat would get a tear in it in January. Thankfully, my new winter coat was not only on sale for just €30 but it was also much nicer than my old one. Third, phone calls with my spouse.

2. Piglet teaches us even the smallest of individuals can achieve big things with the proper amount of determination. How do your current responsibilities make you feel?
I feel pretty good about them. Sometimes, I feel ready to take on more responsibilities. We’ll have my care plan review on the 29th, so we’ll see what comes out of that.

3. Tigger is known for his enthusiasm and energy, his boundless joy and love of life. What’s something you’re interested in learning more about in this new year?
Too many things. I want to broaden my crafty horizons, learn more about personality-related topics such as the Enneagram, start cooking for my fellow residents, etc. Oh wait, the question was specific…

4. Eeyore, while a melancholy character, teaches us the importance of resilience and perseverance. How do you stay motivated and persevere in difficult circumstances.
I try to focus on self-care and also on positive activities that I enjoy. When I’m in a rut, I celebrate even the smallest of things I accomplish with respect to self-care.

5. Last thing you ate that was made with honey?
Not a food but a drink: a smoothie to which I added honey as a sweetener. I can’t remember the last thing with honey in it I actually ate. Maybe honey licorice, although that probably just has honey flavoring in it.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
No “Freezer Fiat” yet. For whatever reason, the license plate wasn’t ready yet, so we won’t get our new car till next week.