#WeekendCoffeeShare (March 8, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone on this International Women’s Day! I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s 7:30PM, so no more coffee for me. If you’d like a drink though, feel free to grab one and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. For most of the week, it’s been absolutely gorgeous! Today, we even reached 20°C. I know that this isn’t good news, in the sense that it’s way too warm for early March. I do care, but I also realize that I alone (or even all of the Netherlands alone) can’t stop or slow down climate change. For this reason, I’m enjoying the good weather while I can.

If we were having coffee, then I’d brag about all the physical activity I got in. Yesterday, I set a new record on my exercise minutes by exercising (mostly walking) for over three hours. I burned 600 active calories according to my Apple Watch.

Today, I didn’t walk as much, but still went for a few nice walks and I did ride the side-by-side bike. It’s an eBike and my staff had forgotten to check its battery level, so it quit working midway through our ride.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that, on Thursday, my staff and I took a walk around the nearby lake. We also walked this route one day in late January and I remembered a little café along the way had the most delicious caramel pie. My partner looked at the menu on Wednesday and said the caramel pie wasn’t on it. Maybe it was the “pie of the week”. Thankfully, once at the café, my staff asked the waitress whether they still had the caramel pie and they did!

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I am planning to create a trinket dish out of polymer clay soon. I ordered a cutter for it, which arrived on Monday. Unfortunately, my ceramic tile that I work on, is too small to cut out the shape on. However, one of my staff said she still had ceramic tiles somewhere and, thankfully, these were big enough. Haven’t gotten down to actually creating the trinket dish yet, because the weather’s just too beautiful.

If we were having coffee, I’d also share that, on Tuesday, a staff and I went for a walk around grounds again with the purpose of taking pictures of nature. There were mostly snowdrops and crocuses to be seen.



A few days later though, they’d mostly gone and the first daffodils could be spotted. No pics of those, as it was too sunny when I was out today.

If we were having coffee, I would conclude by saying this week overall was good. I had a few moments when I was in distress over the fact that there were quite a few temp workers, but the staff made sure always to assign me a regular staff. I realize it can’t always be this way and I’m okay with that, but I did tell my staff that my accepting a temp worker once out of necessity doesn’t make them a regular.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (March 1, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone on this first day of March. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare again. I’ve just had my last cup of coffee for the day, but if you’re quick, you may be able to enjoy a soft drink. We usually get chips with our soft drinks on weekends, but if I’m correct, the staff ordered meatballs. Let’s have a drink (and a snack) and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. Most days, it was chilly but not rainy. We got the most rain on Thursday, but even then I managed to go out.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that I did achieve the perfect month on my Apple Watch in February. My March challenge is incredibly easy: get in at least 3.63km of walking/running on at least fourteen days this month. I always thought the challenges were based on the previous month’s achievements, but I’m pretty sure I got a lot more steps in during February.

If we were having coffee, I’d report that I’ve been struggling again. This led to a number of arguments between me and the staff. Particularly, it frustrates me to no end that some staff are much more likely to react angrily to my irritability than others. As a result, I don’t accept gestures indicating they support me from these staff. Like, if you’ve first been telling me off, I won’t accept it when you offer me comfort. Unfortunately, my assigned staff claims this differing treatment is just how it is and she says it’s because I don’t accept the same treatment from everyone. This came across as if she was holding me responsible for the different approaches.

If we were having coffee, I’d also share that I’ve been frustrated with my day schedule and particularly the lack of clarity in it. I particularly don’t like the fact that, each time, I’ll have to choose an activity out of fifteen or so options. Thankfully, I was able to turn my frustration around today and decide that, on Monday, I’m going to the next town to buy groceries and, on Tuesday, I’m going to cook dinner for the home.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that part of my struggle is the extreme discrepancy between my intelligence and my emotional functioning. I’m said to function emotionally at a level comparable to a child under 18 months of age in most respects, but my IQ is above-average. Moreover, I happen to have an interest in psychology and social work. As a result, I, for example, know more about the theory of care and support than most of my staff, but I can’t apply it to my own situation and not just because I’m the client.

Like, when I’m in a good place mentally, I sometimes find myself pointing out ways staff are asking too much of me emotionally, but precisely because I can say so, I’m judged not to need the support I need.

If we were having coffee, I would however also share that I still experience moments of joy. For example, on Monday, a new student staff was being introduced to my activities and we created a unicorn (of course) out of polymer clay. This time, because the unicorn was rather fat and the staff had placed the front legs far apart, I chose to add a heart to its belly. I also decorated its back with rhinestones. Two pictures below, because my staff couldn’t capture both the heart and the rhinestones in one.


If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you that I struggle with self-criticism and this also leads me towards less creativity. I, however, overcame the feeling that I “should be better” sometime on Tuesday when I created a rather simple bracelet. It was just beads stringed onto elastic wire. However, looking at my comment about emotional development, I sincerely believe I did a pretty awesome job, since a toddler can’t do this at all.

Sorry for the rambly post. I’m still feeling hazy after another meltdown. By the way, no meatballs for our evening treat, as somehow they’d disappeared.

Today’s Accomplishments (February 15, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Over the past few weeks, all I seem to have done is hang out on social media, talk randomly with my staff and lie in bed. That isn’t entirely true, since I’m still managing to close all of my activity rings on my Apple Watch everyday this month. However, this month so far feels horribly unproductive. I think in part this may be my mindset, so to turn the tide, today I’m once again listing my accomplishments for the day.

1. Showered even though it wasn’t one of my designated shower days. Like I said in my post on spoon theory, showering costs me a lot of energy, so it’s actually quite an accomplishment that I did it on a day I wasn’t required to.

2. Went for an hour-long walk. This isn’t a huge achievement, as I walk most days, but still, I shouldn’t downplay it either.

3. Completed the friends quest with my partner on Duolingo with me having done only slightly less than my spouse. The quest was to complete 50 lessons with 90% accuracy. The accuracy isn’t the problem for me, as I’m doing intermediate English and early B2 is still quite easy. However, over the past few weeks I’d only done a lesson or two a day.

4. Created a “bull in a china shop”, as I call them, out of polymer clay. It’s an elephant that sits on top of a cup. I had been planning to make it for a few days, but always procrastinated on it even though it turned out I could finish the thing in half an hour. No picture yet, as it still needs to have its eyes painted.

5. Wrote a few thoughtful (if I can say so myself) comments on Reddit. I go there everyday now that Facebook is no longer safe, but I try to actually have something meaningful to say too.

6. Wrote this blog post. Does that count? Yes, if I say so, it does and it’s probably the greatest achievement of the day given I had hardly come on WP over the past few weeks.

Gratitude List (December 29, 2024) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m doing a gratitude list again. As usual, I’m linking it up with Ten Things of Thankful. Here goes.

1. A nice Christmas-themed walk around institution grounds on Tuesday. We were able to see lights, listen to a barrel organ playing festive jingles and at the end of the walk, we could do some crafty things like decorate a clementine with cloves and create a paper rose.

2. The fact that the labeling tape I ordered online early in the week, actually arrived on time for my visit to my in-laws on Christmas (where I’d had it delivered) and the tape also fit into my home’s label printer. I as a result was finally able to label my new clay.

3. Fries. I always have to include several food-theemd thankfuls, don’t I? On Tuesday, we had French fries.

4. Seeing my spouse and in-laws on Christmas.

5. Making salad on Boxing Day. A student staff’s mother had made homemade Turkish-style meatballs called köfte.

6. Being able to play DJ at the home’s dance party on Friday. Another student staff had brought his large Bluetooth-enabled speaker and I asked him if I’d be allowed to connect it to my iPhone and be the DJ. That was so cool! At first, I played ABBA like I’d requested the staff do the previous time we had a party. Then I put on a random EDM playlist, but that wasn’t well-received, so I switched to my own personal playlist of Dutch and dialect songs.

7. Getting in lots of exercise minutes today. I took three longer walks.

8. The fact that my support coordinator reassured me that, pending my one-on-one renewal request, things will stay the same for now and no hours will be cut. Officially, my one-on-one needs renewing by January 1 and we haven’t heard anything yet. I’m still struggling with my current hours particularly in the evenings, so I really hope that things won’t get worse. We’ll see.

9. Meeting up with my spouse again yesterday. And looking forward to going to our house over New Year’s.

10. The fact that the festive season is almost over. I can’t stand all the chaos.

Gratitude List (December 22, 2024) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining Ten Things of Thankful today. Let’s see what I’ve been grateful for over the past week.

1. Pizza. Technically, this is one from last week. Last Sunday, there was no meal delivery service meal I liked, so I chose to get takeout pizza. I chose one with onions, mushrooms, bell peppers, sausages and fresh garlic.

2. Another food one: my Christmas hamper. This year, we had the choice between a food hamper either regular or low-cal, a beauty hamper or a crafty one. Figuring that budgets are tight, I decided to go for the regular food hamper, as I doubted what was in the others would be of interest to me. I got marshmallows, chocolate, chips, whipped cream and waffles, cocoa and maybe I forgot something. Oh yes, I did: pretzel sticks, but I gave those away. I probably gained several pounds from enjoying the food and I have the marshmallows and chocolate still unopened.

3. Oh wait, another food one and a more likely cause of weight gain: a new staff had gotten chocolate with salted caramel as a welcome present to the care agency, but she didn’t like salted caramel, so gave the bar to me. That one is gone by now.

4. The fact that I was able to take a bath on Wednesday. I used a bath bomb that changed colors and had a nice scent (although for the life of me I can’t remember which).

5. My decreased antipsychotic dosage that I started on last Friday. I’m now on 15mg of Abilify a day. So far, I haven’t been significantly more irritable.

6. The fact that the days are officially getting longer now. Man, do I hate winter and especially the darkness.

7. A good visit from my spouse today. We hadn’t seen each other last week, so the visit felt extra special. We went shopping at Hema, my spouse’s favorite store, and ate lunch there too.

8. The fact that I was able to go for a walk today despite the weather being rather gloomy in the afternoon. Thankfully though, no rain in the evening.

9. The fact that I’m still creatively inspired. And generally more motivated to do things than I used to be.

10. Peace. I mean both inner peace and outer peace. That is, I’m still experiencing anxiety, but it isn’t nearly as severe as it was several months ago. I’m also so grateful that, at least for now, I live in peace.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (November 9, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare again. I apologize for not having commented on anyone else’s posts last week. As I write this, it’s 5:15PM, so I’ve just had dinner. I won’t have my next cup of coffee until 7PM, but at least I’m not writing that it’s too late at night for coffee for me. Let’s have a drink and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s quite chilly, though most days the daytime high is still above normal. Most days, it’s been around 10°C, but yesterday the temperature didn’t climb above 6°C. We haven’t had more than a slight drizzle of rain.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I’ve been doing okay in the health and wellness department. I walked everyday, though not as far as I’d have liked. I also downloaded the FitOn app onto my iPhone and did a workout on it yesterday. My eating has been okay and I lost half a kilogram over the past week. Sleep has been all over the place though.

If we were having coffee, next I’d share that this week has been tough. You might remember that I shared several months ago about the improvements to my care that would take effect in mid-October. Some did happen indeed, while others didn’t and the end result is that my quality of life isn’t improving.

Part of the problem is the fact that half the team rigidly shove the new rules down my throat and the rest do as they please regardless of what my new day schedule says. For example, in my new day schedule, there are now shift codes assigned to times my staff are with me, so that it’s hopefully clearer for everyone who will be supporting me. Some staff have been rigidly following the rules, while others changed things up, sometimes at the last moment. Most staff also don’t tell me who has which shift a day in advance, yet when I am supported by a staff one day who rigidly follows the rules, they’ll tell me that so-and-so will be supporting me half an hour in advance and not care that I didn’t know the day before because their coworker didn’t tell me. And they’re unwilling to change things up because the day schedule says they can’t. This means I’ve had to deal with new-to-me temp workers three times this week and, at least once, I wasn’t told the day before that they’d be supporting me. This led to me having an outburst and telling my staff that I didn’t want the temp worker. I wasn’t demanding someone else, for clarity’s sake, but the temp worker refused to leave me alone too, despite the fact that I’m not under involuntary care.

There were other things discussed at the meeting that these rules were decided at, but I don’t see these being implemented at all. For this reason, my trust in my support coordinator and behavior specialist has suffered again.

If we were having coffee, finally I’d share that I had a phone appt with an independent client supporter on Tuesday. This appt had been on the calendar for months and I originally intended to say it’s all fine here and to close my file at her agency. That’s not how it went: I was honest that, while I do see my staff have good intentions, it’s still proving hard to figure out the care I need and to make it work with the way the home works. She recommended involving the Center for Consultation and Expertise (CCE) again. This is an organization that helps care agencies and clients when they’re stuck.

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I am hopeful that an external organization can shed new light onto the situation or, if not, I’m able to accept that my home are doing all they can. On the other hand, I feel slightly guilty for not being able to suck it up when things seemed so positive at the meeting. Hope is the dominant feeling though.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (November 2, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone on this first Saturday of November. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare today. Can I offer you a drink? Let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. The daytime temperatures have been between 13°C and 16°C this week. We got a little rain here and there, but for the upcoming week, no rain is in the forecast. Daylight saving time also ended last week, so it’s now dark by 5:30PM. If you know me, you know I seriously hate this with a passion.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I haven’t been walking nearly as much as I’d have liked. I didn’t even close my activity rings on my Apple Watch each time this week. Yesterday and today have been quite good though. I signed up for a month-long challenge in the Challenges app, but I honestly don’t think I’m as interested in it as I was the last few times I participated.

On Thursday, I wanted to go swimming, but we arrived at the institution pool only to find out it was closed.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that, as regular readers of my blog know, this time of year is hard for me. Today marks 17 years since my major mental breakdown. I could try to reclaim the month by creating positive memories, but the last time I wanted to do this, I couldn’t make it last beyond that one November. I’m fully intending to stay at my current home for a long while and I can see my staff fully intend to help me in this process, but then again intentions aren’t enough.

If we were having coffee, I’d expand on this further by saying I’ve been quite a pain in the butts of my staff lately. I can honestly see why: I’m (subconsciously) pushing their limits because I think (know?) that, when I’m truly myself, they’ll kick me out. Knowing that abandonment feels safe to me because it’s what I know, unfortunately doesn’t make it any easier to change my actual actions, because when I’m dysregulated, I don’t realize I’m projecting my own fears onto my staff.

If we were having coffee, lastly though I’d tell you about the positive aspects of the past week. Firstly, I went to markets twice this week. Secondly, I tried my hand at creating a little Christmas wreath out of polymer clay. I’m not one to plan my crafty endeavors and in fact I have the snowman I crafted nearly two years ago on display year-round. I really hope to craft a few more little decorations before Christmas truly starts in early December.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (September 28, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare again today. It’s nearly 10PM here, so no coffee for me. If you’d like some though, pour yourself a cup and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d moan about the weather. I had to check back to last week’s coffee share to see if memory was serving me well, as I almost couldn’t believe the daytime high was above 20°C then. Today, the daytime high was only 14°C. It was raining all day yesterday and most of the day today too.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that, as a result of the rainy weather, I almost didn’t meet my movement goal on my Apple Watch yesterday. I was tempted to lower my goal for that day specifically, but my spouse convinced me that would be cheating. I then danced around my room for about 25 minutes so that at least I’d meet my goal. I didn’t meet my exercise goal, but that doesn’t count towards the perfect month award.

During most of the rest of the week, I didn’t walk much at
all either. On Thursday, however, I went swimming. This was great!

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I’ve also been quite fatigued lately. I’m probably starting to experience a touch of the seasonal blues.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I had bloodwork on Monday. I had no idea why and in fact was convinced they got me mixed up with another client. Apparently not. However, I had already had breakfast and one of the things needing to be checked was glucose. I thought this would be problematic, but the nurse said it wasn’t. I finally found out the reason for the bloodwork yesterday: it was the fact that I’d been experiencing night sweats. I had long attributed those to the warmer weather, but then again they aren’t gone now (though they’ve lessened). Fingers crossed for all normal results.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I had a meeting with my support coordinator, behavior specialist and mother-in-law on Monday. It was a bit difficult. Though I could see my support coordinator doing her best to help me, it was still quite hard to feel the limits of what she can do for me.

For example, I had been struggling with play therapy because a staff I don’t realy trust had been attending it with me. My support coordinator tried her best to find a somewhat trusted staff for me in the coming weeks but couldn’t, so I felt like giving in and accepting a staff I at least don’t feel bad about.

The next day, I had a candid conversation with my support coordinator. That was somewhat reassuring. Play therapy on Wednesday was still more or less useless.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that next week, I’ll be video-recorded in my interactions with a staff. The goal is for staff to look at the tiny signs that might lead to distress and things they can do or not do to help me.

If we were having coffee, I’d end on an upbeat note by saying I’ve been making a lot of smoothies lately. I don’t really have the energy for polymer clay or the like, but preparing a smoothie takes only five to ten minutes. I always create enough to share with at least some of my fellow clients and they truly appreciate it. My best one was a smoothie with pineapple, banana, coconut water and a pinch of cinnamon.

I also finally managed to make a delicious mug cake. I mean, the ones I made before were okay, but there was always something slightly off about them. The only thing about this one was the fact that I couldn’t wait for it too completely cool before consuming it. Otherwise, it was great!

#WeekendCoffeeShare (September 21, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all on this beautiful Saturday in September. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare today. It’s 7:30PM, so I just had my last cup of coffee for the day. I also had a delicious smoothie I made. I must admit, I normally don’t make the best smoothies, or at least I don’t really like them myself. This one though was absolutely great! I used banana, pineapple, coconut water and a bit of cinnamon. The cinnamon was old, so even though I’m pretty sure I put quite a bit into my smoothie, I only got a slight taste of it. I shared what I had left with my fellow residents, but since this is a virtual get-together, you are invited to grab a virtual cup.

If we were having coffee, first I’d share about the weather. It’s been absolutely gorgeous with daytime temperatures of about 23°C most of the week. It’s also been quite sunny. Mornings are chilly, but then again it’s September, so that makes perfect sense. Tomorrow is supposed to be the last warm day and then next week daytime temps are supposed to drop to as low as 13°C.

If we were having coffee, I’d probably be stating the obvious if I said I’ve been walking a lot. I sometimes feel guilty when this is pretty much all I do during my allocated activity time. Then again, I tell myself the weather isn’t going to be as beautiful as it is now forever.

I also have been taking photos on my walks. That is, I usually hand my phone to my staff, who then will be snapping the pictures. I enjoy it nonetheless. Yesterday, we were able to capture a bunny.

I have also been loving using Be My Eyes and other image description apps. Be My Eyes was even able to correct me and my staff on what type of bird was swimming in the institution pond.

If we were having coffee, I’d talk a little about the new iOS and WatchOS versions that came out on Monday. They’re quite stable and there aren’t many bugs affecting VoiceOver or Braille use. That’s a rarity with the first release of a major software update. I didn’t initially think I’d care for iOS 18, but WatchOS 11 does have some nice features and I’d need iOS 18 for that. I am looking forward to seeing my Vitals trend in a few weeks.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’ve been struggling a little with flashbacks and nightmares. I am, thankfully, for the most part still able to cope.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that on Wednesday, I celebrated one year in my current care home. I treated the entire home to burgers again, like on my birthday, but this time the salad I made as a side dish was the highlight for me.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you that on Thursday, it was my and my spouse’s thirteenth wedding anniversary. We drove to Nijmegen to have lunch at what I consider to be my favorite restaurant, Dromaai. Not that the food is exceptionally good, but I have fond memories of eating out here with my partner when I still lived in Nijmegen.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (September 7, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s 7:40PM as I start writing my post, so like most times, I’ve had my last cup of coffee for the day. I will have a glass of my favorite soft drink in about half an hour and after that it’s just water, or maybe a cup of bedtime tea. However, I’d love for you to join me for a virtual cup of coffee. Let’s get into my post.

If we were having coffee, first I’d rave about the weather. After all, if you know me, you know that in my opinion summer is the best season. It’s September, but the weather is still summer-like. During most of the week, we had daytime highs above 25°C. Tomorrow, it’s supposed to cool off slightly and after that, sometime next week the temps are supposed to drop to 15°C.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I got in a lot of exercise minutes over the past week, mostly walking. I’m doing a challenge with my spouse on our Apple Watches that lasts up till this Monday and so far, I’m doing much better. I had expected to be slightly better because my spouse is a truck driver, but then again we have the same movement goal even though I’m shorter and as a result lighter than my spouse, which means I burn off fewer calories with the same activity.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I had my second play therapy session on Wednesday. The first was a bit of a disappointment, because as soon as she saw my staff, the therapist started saying I could come alone next time. I felt mostly disappointed about the fact that she hadn’t asked me or my staff why I need a staff to attend our sessions. When I explained this at this week’s session, she was totally cool with it.

We mostly played with PlayMobil®, which was really intriguing. I did overshare a bit this week, which I later regretted. It feels really challenging to set healthy boundaries, which is one of my goals that I told the therapist about.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I spoke with my support coordinator again today. On Monday I had a meeting with her and the behavior specialist. One of the things I’d asked to be implemented as soon as possible, is the agreement that staff won’t unlock the door for me when I’m in crisis and will, if necessary, physically prevent me from leaving the home. I had since wondered where the agreement that the door be unlocked came from. I looked at my support agreements, but there was nothing. Today, my support coordinator looked all through my file and couldn’t find the agreement either. This frustrates me, as honestly I have no idea who came up with it. It wouldn’t have been as frustrating, had this not been interpreted as a rule by literally all staff, even staff who hadn’t previously let me out the door. I mean, on Thursday I said I was leaving in an agitated tone and immediately the staff said she’d unlock the door for me. It frustrates me to no end that staff are making rules that they don’t write down and that, as a result, can’t be discussed with me. I hope that, once my support coordinator writes the agreement that I can’t be let out the door, which she’s going to do on Tuesday, this at least will stop in this case. I’m pretty sure there are many other unwritten rules about my care though.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you I’m really feeling like doing something with polymer clay again, but I am rather uninspired. I did try to make a flower pendant this evening, but so far it’s just a cut out flower with no detail.