How My Body Has Changed As I Got Older

Hi all! This week, there are many interesting writing prompts in the Writer’s Workshop. I am choosing to write about ways my body has changed as I’ve gotten older.

I’m now 38 and I consider this an age at which positive changes can still happen. That is, of course you’re never too old to start a healthier lifestyle, but at a certain age, I assume it will not have as much effect as when you’re younger. In fact, I’ve heard that smokers have until age 35 to quit or their lungs will never be as healthy as those of non-smokers. Thank goodness I’ve never smoked.

In my case, my thirties so far were the decade of getting healthier in many ways. At age 30, I weighed 80kg (176lbs), which is over 20kg overweight for my height. I slowly started losing weight then and got to 55kg )121lbs) last year. Since then, I’ve gained some weight back on, but I’m barely 1kg overweight now at 59kg. I agreed with my dietitian that I should not gain any more weight, but the 55kg I weighed last year is also the lower border of my goal weight.

Weight aside, I got slightly fitter. When I weighed 80kg, my spouse proposed we do a brisk walk for just over half an hour each day to get the weight off, but I could barely do fifteen minutes. Now I must say I don’t usually walk as fast as that brisk walk should’ve been, but then again I couldn’t keep up with my spouse back then either and now I can walk for an hour sometimes.

I do feel that my flexibility and strength have decreased a bit. Not that I ever was flexible or strong at all. In fact, my spouse jokes that a brick is more flexible than me. However, when we tried a game of Twister at the home recently, I noticed I was hardly able to stand on all fours even in a simple position. I’m pretty sure I used to be able to do this.

My mobility also has slightly decreased. I fall when I wear anything other than my orthopedic shoes. I also used to think my shoes get damage a lot easier from the way I walk. That is until I recently looked at the shoes I wore at my wedding and saw these were damaged too just from one day.

When I got married, I was 25 and about at the weight I’m now at. I recently tried on my wedding dress just for the fun of it. The skirt fit, but the top was too tight.

With respect to appearance, I’m told I haven’t changed much over the years. That is, my spouse found my first grey hair when I was 31 and I now have quite a few, but my hair still looks dark overall. I don’t have many wrinkles either. In fact, it feels as though my frown wrinkle has decreased. That probably isn’t possible, so maybe I’m just not bothered by it as much as I used to be. I’m also grateful to report that my hands, which are among the body parts I feel most positive about, are still pretty smooth.

Overall, I don’t think there’s been an age at which I was happier with my body than now. That is, I do get frustrated with my impaired mobility and flexibility. However, when I was thirty, I was probably less fit overall and I wasn’t happy with my appearance at all. Now I feel content enough with my body to wear nice clothes and occasionally jewelry. I in fact reserve my loose-fitting sweaters and fleece vests for when I’m sick now.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (May 11, 2024)

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s been a long week, honestly, so time for a cup of coffee, green tea or a smoothie. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been quite warm and sunny most days, with daytime highs around 20°C. Tomorrow, the temperature is even supposed to reach 25°C. The mornings have been cooler though, as it’s not yet July, obviously. Which makes me think, with temperatures like this in May, will we get a soaring hot summer again? Most likely. I love warm weather, but it’s not like I want summertime temps over 35°C.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve been walking a fair bit over the past week. I also rode the side-by-side bike yesterday. We finally figured out how to make it so that I can actually push the pedals properly rather than just moving along with the person who’s on the steering side of the bike.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, on today’s morning walk, we came by the intensive support home and several clients were calling out to me. I decided to come over and join them in their backyard. Eventually, one of the staff who did work there when I still lived there, joined us and offered me a cup of coffee. I think that’s nice!

If we were having coffee, I’d share that, finally, it looks like my orthopedic shoes are actually good to wear. The last adjustment was to the front, which scratches the ground due to my ever-worsening drop foot, causing the shoe to need repairing almost on a weekly basis. Now, it’s not like it doesn’t still scratch the ground and get damaged, but not nearly as much as it used to. And the big positive: I can actually wear these shoes without getting blisters. Like, okay, that’s normal, but I only used to be able to wear my specific brand of walking shoes and I’d get blisters from everything else, including every pair of orthopedic shoes I’ve tried before. I have actually been wearing these shoes most of the day for the past few days without a problem.

If we were having coffee, I’d report that, speaking of my drop foot, the physical therapist has been here. We went for a 20-minute walk, during which I didn’t walk with a drop foot as much as before, thankfully. It hasn’t had me convinced that my mobility isn’t worsening, but at least it isn’t as bad as I’d feared. I mean, it could just be normal aging with mild cerebral palsy.

If we were having coffee, I would share that I bought yet another pair of new headphones. Originally, I wasn’t intending on giving up on my AirPods, but because they keep losing connectivity to my computer, I needed headphones that come with a wired option. Well, guess what? The wired option for the JBL Tune 770NC headphones isn’t all that awesome, but the headphones don’t lose connection to my computer when connected via Bluetooth. Besides, it can be connected to both my iPhone and computer at the same time. How I wish I’d known about these before buying the AirPods, that were literally three times the price of these headphones.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I also finally replaced my desk chair. I got a gaming chair. That’s the reason I have been wearing my orthopedic shoes all day: the chair is too high for me to sit on without shoes on. Other than that though, it’s much better than my previous chair.

I also ordered a table and two chairs for in my little backyard. These weren’t in stock at the store I went to, so I’ll have to come back to collect them. While at that store, I saw a really cute unicorn soft toy and just had to get it.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d admit that I have been struggling with my mental health again and, as a result, haven’t been too inspired in the creative department recently. I do really hope to get back into the groove soon. I did, last week, buy some kitchen tools, like measuring spoons and a sugar/flour sieve. I’ve only used the measuring spoons for smoothie making so far, but that’s a start at least.

Gratitude List (April 26, 2024) #TToT

Hi everyone. How have you been? I’m participating in Ten Things of Thankful with a gratitude post once again. It’s been a while. I however have quite a few thankfuls to share, I think, so let’s go.

1. I’m grateful for homemade pizza. My spouse, mother-in-law and I made it together at my in-laws’ house (my father-in-law wasn’t there) last Saturday after the CP conference.

2. I’m grateful for a side-by-side bike ride on Sunday. I was assigned an extremely tall staff member for my one-on-one and, for those not aware, I am short myself. This makes walking with him quite a challenge, as we haven’t yet figured out a way for him to guide me that doesn’t cause me pain. However, I came up with the idea of biking instead.

3. I am grateful for the fact that my attempt at making overnight oats on Monday turned out to be a success! Last time I made them, I added way too much milk.

4. I am grateful because, on Tuesday, I was able to cook köfte for my fellow residents and staff. It took me quite some time, but that’s not a problem.

5. I am grateful for French fries on Wednesday. Oh, I’m making more than half of this list about food, but okay.

6. I am grateful for an opportunity to go swimming yesterday. I had gone swimming twice last week, once with my own home’s residents and once with a small group. I hadn’t expected to be able to join the small group this week again and swimming for my home was canceled because most residents were on the annual trip. However, I was able to join the small group anyway.

7. I am grateful for a trip to the institution museum this afternoon. It’s a really small museum, but it was interesting to learn about the history of the institution. Plus, we got free mini pancakes! Oh wait, that’s another food-related thankful…

8. I’m grateful for a day without rain today. We had rain most of the week and, though I could go on walks everyday inbetween showers, I couldn’t go out nearly as much as I’d have liked. Today though was a rain-free day and we even had a bit of sunshine.

9. I am grateful for an appointment with the nurse practitioner who works at my local GP practice re my decreasing mobility. I’ll have a physical therapy appt soon too but I’d really like to know what’s causing my mobility impairment (CP or something else) and whether a decrease in mobility is to be expected or what can be done about it.

10. Last but not least, I am so grateful I seem to be slowly crawling out of the pit of depression I was in.

Opportunities for Peer Support

Hi everyone. Recently I was talking to my spouse about ways to enrich my life and my spouse mentioned trying to connect to more people through peer support. I have some negative experiences with peer support, for example being kicked out of the Dutch DID peer support group for allegedly being a faker. However, once I’ve found the right tribe, peer support could certainly enrich my life.

Last Tuesday, I attended an online meeting for my regional branch of CP Netherlands, the Dutch cerebral palsy alliance. Even though I’m not 100% sure I have CP, I was welcomed with open arms. Originally, the organizers were thinking we may need to end the meeting early, as there were only five of us in attendance including them. However, we ultimately chatted the entire 90 minutes of the meeting. I even showed the other participants the polymer clay dinosaur my spouse and I had created.

One of the other participants is also visually impaired in addition to having CP. He told me there’s a “young people’s” (ages 25-45) meeting of the Eye Association (for blind and visually impaired people) in Zwolle. Zwolle is about 50km from where I live, so not too far away but not quite in my local area. This means I can travel there at a heavily discounted price using my national ParaTransit taxi card.

I also found out, when looking at the Eye Association website, that there are general meetings in Apeldoorn, Deventer and Zutphen, the three cities nearest to where I live. These meetings, since not catering to “young people” specifically, will most likely be mostly attended by people over age 50, but I don’t mind. I don’t yet have a local ParaTransit taxi card though, so can’t go there yet. My male assigned staff is going to apply for one for me though.

On Saturday, I attended the annual nationwide conference of CP Netherlands. It was less informative than the last few times I attended, since I knew most things the workshop leaders talked about already. However, it was much better with respect to peer support, in that I got to meet several people I’d either spoken with at the online meeting the previous Tuesday or met at nationwide conferences before. I also felt validated once again. And, yet again, I came away with the idea to finally ask my GP for a referral for rehabilitation medicine. Given that most likely my childhood medical records are all gone somehow, I’m pessimistic about getting any answers as to whether I actually do have CP or not. I’m trying to reason that this might be beside the point, but honestly my gut instinct is that it’s not.

I’m linking up with #WWWhimsy again.

Disability: Describing My Impairments #AtoZChallenge

Hi everyone. I know for sure I did a post describing my limitations on my now defunct blog, but don’t think I ever did one on here. Besides, even if I did, I learn something new about myself, including my disabilities, all the time. For my letter D post in the #AtoZChallenge, I thought I’d describe my disabling conditions in lay terms. Oh wait, the lay terminology is going to be really tough.

First, I am blind. I have what is called light perception, which means that I am able to see whether it is dark or light around me, but not what direction the source of light is coming from (that ability would be called light projection). Functionally speaking, even though I can still tell day and night-time apart and this is what sets the totally blind apart from those with any vision in medical terminology here in the Netherlands, I consider myself totally blind.

Next, I (most likely) have mild cerebral palsy (CP). I say “most likely” because my parents didn’t tell me whether I had any diagnosable condition that would explain my mobility impairment and I stopped seeing a physiatrist (physical disability doctor) when I was around nine. In any case, I walk with a drop foot on my left side that gets worse when I get tired. Though I can, with difficulty, walk a distance of about 5km at a time when I’m very energized that day, I do fall more easily than non-disabled people. I didn’t realize this until, several years ago, I read on a CP-related blog about fall risk assessments containing a question about whether you’ve fallen for any reason in the past year. Well, the blogger said hardly a week goes by that they don’t fall. That isn’t exactly true for me, since I hold onto someone’s arm or hand when walking, but I do fall at least once a month.

CP (or whatever it is) also means my fine motor skills aren’t great. I used to get physical therapy for this. I did exercises like touching my thumbs to each of the other fingers. I can now do that easily with my right hand and with some difficulty with my left. I cannot use a knife and f ork to eat with and, even with my specially adapted spoon, often make a bit of a mess. I can type and do so with both hands, but I much prefer to use my right hand and, even though I was taught the ten-finger touch typing, I don’t do it fully correctly. As long as it works, though…

Since CP is caused by brain damage, in my case a brain bleed sustained shortly after birth, it can also come with other difficulties, such as processing issues and lower energy levels. This can also be part of autism, which I was diagnosed with at age 20, of course.

Autism, of course, has its core symptoms of differences in social communication and repetitive behaviors and interests. Because I can hold down a reasonably normal-sounding one-on-one conversation about myself, as clinical assessments often are, I am diagnosed as “mild” or level 1. I am not “mild” by any means, truthfully.

I am tired. I was writing an entire rant on why I am nnot “mildly” autistic, but I was using all kinds of technical terms and I promised you a lay explanation. I don’t think this post makes much sense, but oh well.

Gratitude List (July 10, 2021) #TToT

It’s been a while since I last did a gratitude post. Today I feel pretty good. Not that I need to feel good in order to do a gratitude post – I’ve written them to cheer myself up on many occasions. However, feeling good is also a good time to express gratitude. Here goes. As usual, I’m joining Ten Things of Thankful or #TToT.

1. I am so grateful for no side effects from my topiramate. I am not yet sure whether this medication will be working, although my staff say I seem calmer than I was before. It’s only been a week though, so we’ll see. I am however so happy I at least tolerate the medication, since many people don’t.

2. I am so grateful for increased motivation and creativity. Although this has been going on for a few weeks already, I’m really hopeful it’ll not just be an episode and, if it is, will last longer than usual.

3. I am grateful for pretty good sleep particularly early in the week. During the first few days of the week, my sleep quality was truly amazing. Last night it was a lot poorer, but I’m still happy to report I don’t experience major effects today. And it may or may not be the topiramate already working, but I haven’t had nightmares at all.

4. I am grateful for a hair clip my sister gave me for my birthday. I wear it in my new profile pic and, although I still prefer my hair mostly loose with just one small clip at the front, I do like this new look.

5. I am grateful for warm and relatively rain-free days. We’ve had more rain than is usual for the summer here so far, but it’s still okay.

6. I’m grateful my mobility seems to be returning to some reasonably acceptable level. Up till a week or two ago, I could hardly walk a kilometer at a time or I’d feel my legs get tired. Now I can walk somewhat longer distances again. I managed to reach 10K steps several days this past week and almost got it on a few other days.

7. I am grateful for delicious treats for lunch several times this week. Like, today we got mini pizzas.

8. I am grateful for quick package delivery. I ordered several things online Thursday evening and yesterday and they all arrived today.

9. I am grateful I decided to finally order some relatively expensive essential oils. I ordered Roman chamomile, sandalwood and vetiver. I also ordered sweet orange, because I’d used up all of my oil already a month or so ago. I’m so excited about all the delicious essential oil blends I can now make.

10. I am so grateful my staff killed the fly that had been annoying me buzzing around my room all morning before her shift ended. I’m probably not supposed to take delight in animal death, but I’m glad to make an exception for a fly.

What are you grateful for?

Cerebral Palsy: And Other Effects of my Brain Injury #AtoZChallenge

Welcome to day three in the #AtoZChallenge. I am feeling a little off today, as my support worker canceled our appointment tomorrow and my husband will be home from work late this evening. For this reason, I’m feeling a little unmotivated to write. I hope that forcing myself to write today’s A to Z post anyway will help me snap out of the bad mood. Today, I am sharing about a disability that I have had since infancy, but that I didn’t know much about till a few years ago.

Like I mentioned on Monday, my autism diagnosis got taken away in 2016, because my then psychologist thought my having had a brain bleed as a baby precludes an autism diagnosis. It doesn’t, but it did help me gain some new perspective on my issues. Could I possibly be suffering from the effects of neonatal brain injury?

I asked my parents, starting with the obvious. I have left-sided weakness, affecting both my arm and leg, which I assumed was due to the brain bleed. I had heard of cerebral palsy and had figured out I might have this. I asked my father, but he didn’t answer my question. Possibly, he wasn’t told by the doctors, because my mobility impairment is relatively mild.

I did see a rehabilitation physician and had regular physical therapy until I was around eight. I also needed a cast on my left foot because my achilles tendon was at risk of becoming too short. Later, at age fifteen, I was diagnosed with scoliosis. This isn’t so uncommon that it alone warrants another diagnosis. However, coupled with all the other issues, I put two and two together.

Cerebral palsy, for those who don’t know, is basically a mobility impairment due to a brain injury acquired in utero, at birth or in the first year of life.

I finally went to my GP in 2017 to ask him, again focusing on my mobility impairment. This, after all, is the defining characteristic of cerebral palsy. I was just told I had acquired brain injury.

Still, in late 2018, I joined the national CP charity in my country. When I went to their conference in November, all puzzle pieces fell in place. Not only were my symptoms – not just the walking difficulties – characteristic of CP, but I met people with milder walking difficulties than mine who had been diagnosed as having CP.

There are five different levels of CP, depending on gross motor functioning (ability to walk or otherwise move around). People in level 1 and 2 can walk independently, though those in level 2 require some handheld mobility aids for long distances or on uneven ground. I would probably score as level 1 or maybe 2, but this motor functioning assessment is appropriate for children and adolescents only. There are also several different types of CP, depending on which limbs are affected and how. I probably have spastic hemiplegia, meaning CP affects one side of my body only.

Currently, I am not looking for an official CP diagnosis. I probably had one as a child, so digging up my old records may reveal it, but I’m not in a position to do so at this point. I also wonder what benefit I could gain from this. The support groups for CP on Facebook allow me in based on the facts of my brain injury and resulting mobility impairment. Besides, like my GP said in 2017, a physical or occupational therapist treating me for my brain injury would have to take into account the major disability of my blindness. Maybe, should I ever go into long-term care for the blind, I’ll be able to afford support for this.

A diagnosis of cerebral palsy requires mobility impairments, but a brain injury can have other effects. At the CP conference, the first presentation I attended was on overload. The same cognitive and affective difficulties that people who acquire a brain injury later in life can endure, can affect those with neonatal brain injury. In that sense, my psychologist may’ve been correct that my emotional and cognitive impairmetns are due to that.

CP Conference Last Saturday

So I attended the Netherlands’ national conference day on cerebral palsy on Saturday. Before I went, i was incredibly scared. Would I be able to connect to other people or would I be left on the sidelines all day? Would there be people willing to help me navigate the school building in which the conference was being organized? Would I arrive on time? But my main worry was related to my own diagnosis of cerebral palsy, or rather the lack thereof. You see, I was never told that I have CP by my parents and was too young to understand medical jargon by the time they stopped taking me to specialists. Maybe my parents didn’t even know, as doctors do not always clearly communicate and my parents were mostly looking for reassurance.

My GP also was a bit vague when I asked him last year, citing a probably relatively recent letter saying that I had acquired brain injury. Now I do happen to know that doctors disagree on whether brain injury acquired shortly after birth counts as ABI or a diagnosis of CP or the like should be made instead. So I’m a member of Facebook groups for both CP and ABI. However, ABI is a diagnosis regardless of symptoms and CP requires mobility impairments. I wonder therefore, are my mobility impairments severe enough to count?

I arrived at the school forty minutes before the doors were officially open, but someone took me to a chair anyway and gave me a cup of coffee. Soon, a man I’d been talking to via Facebook messenger arrived too and we sat and chatted some.

Gradually, other people arrived and it was soon time for the official opening speech. This was partly about Steptember, a movement challenge to collect money for research on CP.

Then, a neuropsychology professor spoke about the effects of movement and mental or physical effort on cognition in people with and without CP. It turns out that effort, whether that be mental or physical, strengthens brain connections to the frontal and parietal cortex, which are responsible for higher-order cognitive functions such as planning, organizing and impulse control. He also briefly touched on the effects of music, which can also help strengthen these connections. In short, moving and exerting ourselves as much as we can within the limits of our CP helps our cognitive functions. Of course, past age 30, these brain areas no longer grow and actually decline, but still exerting yourself enables you to learn more effectively regardless of your age.

After this, you could choose to follow a workshop session. The one I followed was on overload. This was a bit of a chaotic workshop, as the presenter allowed for questions while presenting. I am quite familiar with overload, as a person with autism, but I loved to explore it from a CP perspective. I mean, physically I do have some more limitations than those without CP. As a result, walking may give me energy, but it also costs me energy more so than it does non-disabled people. This was rather interesting, because I often tend to sometimes give everything and more of myself physically and other times I tend not to bother. Something the presenter said that really struck a chord was that mental overload can be counteracted by physical activity and vice versa.

In the afternoon, we could also pick a workshop to follow. The one I chose was on nutrition. A registered dietitian had developed nutritional guidelines for children and adults with CP. Topics that were discussed included underweight and overweight. The presenter said that, as a general rule, people with CP need fewer calories than those without CP. The reason is that, even though our movement costs more energy and hence burns more calories, we tend not to move as much.

Another topic that was discussed was swallowing difficulties. Did you know that up to 99% of people with CP, even those with mild CP, have swallowing issues? I didn’t. This was so validating, because I happen to have some rather significant swallowing issues.

Other topics of discussion included reflux, constipation and bone development. There is little research into these, as particularly constipation and osteoporosis are common within the general population anyway.

Overall, I loved this day. It was also very validating. Not only did no-one say I don’t look like someone with CP, but I actually met several people who are at least as mildly affecte as I am.

Confessions of a New Mummy