Being a Snob

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today, Sadje’s Sunday Poser is all about snobbery. I’ve always thought of being a snob as something negative, but being proud of your culture or an aspect of it can be a good thing too. So am I a snob?

In the positive sense, no, not at all. I don’t have a fine taste in art or food whatsoever. I actually love going to all-you-can-eat restaurants and hardly notice that the food isn’t good quality.

With respect to art or literature, my bestie and I have this inside joke about people not having read “Multituli”. We got the joke after a semi-famous Dutch writer having said that people outside of Amsterdam never read “Multituli” and are as such quite backwards. The actual pen name of the author is “Multatuli” and I actually did read his work, Max Havelaar back in high school, but other than a few random quotes, I hardly remember the story.

This brings me to my attitude and, yes, I can be a bit snobbish about my intelligence. I remember at one point talking to my assigned staff, the one who is still a student. She told me she was learning about attachment theory in school and, even though my comment wasn’t meant as bragging at all, it did come across as such to her. I told her I probably knew more about this topic than her. I probably do and this isn’t an advantage at all, hence my not having meant it as bragging. In fact, the fact that I know more about emotional development, attachment styles etc. than most of my staff, is quite a problem for me, as I cannot apply it to my actual life.

As a teen, I was quite a horrible snob, taking pride in my intelligence and my education. Now I realize I’m truthfully quite average. In other words, mediocre. This realization does often lead me to making self-deprecating comments. Yesterday, when my bestie and I were discussing Meta AI, I said that of course I’d objected to my data being used. My bestie commented that it makes sense that I don’t want AI to steal my pictures of my polymer clay. I immediately thought this was sarcasm and explained that, while most of my works are indeed based on tutorials and not all that good, that doesn’t mean I want AI to use them. It was only later that I realized my bestie may’ve been sincere.

IQ Tests and Final Exams and Psychological Assessments, Oh My!

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all! Today, Esther’s weekly writing prompt is “tests”. Oh my! This made me think of so many things. IQ tests: I’ve had half a dozen or more during my life. Final exams: so glad they’re over with and it’s been twenty years since I graduated high school. Psychological assessments: I still have a love-hate relationship with those. And that goes for tests in general, I guess.

After all, as a child, I didn’t mind taking IQ tests. When I was twelve, I got the infamous Wechsler IQ test, well, the verbal part of it, since I’m blind and the performance part isn’t accessible. I got a score of 154, which, according to the psychologist, indicated giftedness. I’m pretty sure there were all sorts of things wrong with that assessment though.

When I was 30, I got another IQ test, Wechsler again but the adult version and now they removed the clear distinction between verbal and performance IQ so the report just said I got “parts” of the test. My overall IQ score had dropped to 119 I believe. That’s still above-average and I’m pretty sure that’s correct. However, I wish there were a performance IQ test for blind people, because I am pretty sure that’d show where my real limits are. Not that I’m proud of being disabled, but I am and if it could be proven on a test, that’d be much better than an ever-changing psychiatric diagnosis.

Final exams. Like I said, I’m glad it’s been twenty years since I graduated high school. My final exams were quite frustrating, as not only was I horribly nervous, but my computer crashed once in the middle of the test. I graduated from what in the UK is called grammar school and honestly I have no clue how I did it. I mean, well, I know, sort of: the same way I “passed” my IQ tests, ie. being a pretty above-average memorizer. Too bad that a good memory and decent academic skills don’t get me far in life. It takes more than test-taking abilities to be successful, after all.

School Reunions

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. One of this week’s Writer’s Workshop prompts is to write a post based on the word reunion. This reminded me of two reunions, one I actually attended and one I didn’t.

The reunion I did attend was for the school for the blind I had been a student at for my last three years of elementary school in the late 1990s. The reunion took place in 2008 and it was on school grounds. The reason the reunion was held, was the fact that many buildings would be reconstructed in the next couple of years, so as to give former students and staff one last chance to see school grounds in the form they’d remembered them.

The school included buildings for both elementary and secondary school, as well as homes for the residential students and a place for leisure activities where the non-residential students had lunch too. I was a non-residential student and only attended elementary school, like I said.

There were two reasons why I wanted to attend the reunion. One was to meet former fellow students and staff. That was a success. I met my best friend from school, with whom I hadn’t been in contact since leaving this school in 1998. I also briefly talked to my fourth grade teacher. That was awkward, as I didn’t feel comfortable disclosing to him that I resided in a psychiatric hospital at the time.

The other reason I wanted to attend the reunion, was to see the school in the form I remembered. That, unfortunately, wasn’t a success, because part of the elementary school, including the classrooms, had been destroyed in a fire in 2006. Part of the building was still standing, but it was no longer useable.

I was on grounds a few more times attending smartphone use training in 2017. On May 24, I believe, there’s going to be another reunion for this school, but it isn’t on grounds and I know no-one who will be attending, so I won’t either.

This brings me to my other reunion story. IN 2013, my high school celebrated 100 years of existence. I for a while considered attending, but was still in the psych hospital at the time and besides, my entire high school experience had been quite bad. So I didn’t go.

A few years later, I got an E-mail from a former teacher there. She had been my Dutch teacher and tutor for the first year and part of the second year of my attending this school, until she went on sick leave and finally found another job. She had been at the reunion and had wondered about me. Having read part of my website, she now understood why I hadn’t been at the reunion.

This, as it turned out, would also have been my last chance of meeting the teacher who’d become my tutor after the Dutch teacher left. He got cancer about a year after I’d graduated high school in 2005 and died in 2016. I am pretty sure it was for the better that he didn’t know that I was still in the psych hospital then.

Creativity: How I Have Evolved As a Creative Over the Years #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s late once again as I get to my letter C post. I don’t tend to think up my topics in advance. Same with this one. It actually popped up in my mind several minutes ago and here I am writing about my creative journey. Okay, I did my entire #AtoZChallenge of 2022 on creativity so am pretty sure I covered this topic already, but let’s do a repeat in that case.

I am not very imaginative. Like I said on Monday, I most likely have aphantasia. This combined with blindness and my other disabilities doesn’t make me all that great of an artist. And yet, I love to create!

In childhood, I’d often draw dresses and other fashion items, pretending I was a fashion designer. I lost the vision needed to draw around age 12 and, even though my drawing teacher found me paper that would create raised lines when drawing on it, I also hardly drew anything beyond stick figures in boxes from then on. Don’t ask me about their meaning – yes, I know they meant something, but for the life of me I can’t remember what.

I didn’t craft or create art again until my mid-twenties. Then I started card making. Over the next five years followed at least a dozen other crafts. And now, I’m stuck on polymer clay, although to be honest I don’t use the medium nearly as often as I used to.

Creativity can, of course, also involve the written word. I wrote stories from a young age on. I started out writing fiction and the occasional poem. Now, I almost exclusively write blog posts.

I must admit, as I think back on my creative journey, that my level of imaginativeness has probably declined over the years and I didn’t always experience aphantasia. Not that I ever had a rich inner world. Well, that is, I have and always had a strong inner monologue (or inner cacaphony, in fact) and could probably describe an inner world in words, but I couldn’t visually imagine it at all.

I think this lack of imaginativeness is the reason I write personal blog posts mostly and craft mostly realistic figures or things from tutorials. I mean, of course a unicorn isn’t real, but I almost literally copied my style of unicorns from a tutorial. Realizing this makes me feel really sad.

The Wednesday Hodgepodge (February 14, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Happy Valentine’s Day! It’s Wednesday and I’m joining in with the Wednesday Hodgepodge. Here goes.

1. What does love mean to you?
To me, it means thinking that (and acting accordingly) someone is special to you. This special someone could be God, someone else, but it could be yourself too. I mean, I know that in many traditions, it is commonly believed that to love is to value someone higher than yourself, but I do think self-love is love too. In fact, I recently commented on someone else’s blog that, if everyone loves themselves, no-one will be unloved.

2. Is love blind?
I am blind, so my love certainly is. However, whether love in general is blind, I honestly wouldn’t know. I’m not even 100% sure what this expression is supposed to mean. Probably something along the lines of love preventing people from judging the person they love. Which would be weird, since justice is also characteristically thought of as blind. Oh well, maybe it means love prevents people from judging others based on appearance. In that case, as someone who has never been attracted to anyone for their appearance (in fact, I didn’t know my now spouse’s hair color until we’d been together for several months) but seems to be in the minority here, I cannot be trusted to give my representative opinion on this.

3. How do you remember Valentine’s Day as a kid? Do you have any special plans for the day this year?
I don’t remember it as a kid. In fact, I don’t think back in the mid-1990s, it was a thing for kids here in the Netherlands. In high school, I do remember kids handing out roses and can vaguely remember once having gotten one, probably as a prank.

My spouse and I aren’t celebrating this year. In fact, though we used to give each other small presents each Valentine’s Day, this year, since we both have a lot on our minds, we decided to take the pressure off by agreeing we’d give each other presents whenever we felt like it. I honestly feel that, in a committed relationship, love is an everyday thing. If you need Valentine’s Day to remind each other you still love one another, I doubt the relationship is going to last.

4. Are you a fan of the movie genre known as “rom-com”? What’s your favorite (or one of your favorites)?
I’m not a movie watcher, so no. In books, I do like them occasionally but I wouldn’t say I’m a fan.

5. What’s something you recently put your heart into?
Nothing. I’m struggling a bit, so I don’t feel inspired for any bigger (or even smaller) projects.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I enjoyed a great Thai meal out with my mother-in-law yesterday evening. We went to Buddha Garden, the same restaurant in Apeldoorn I’d been to with my spouse and parents for my birthday. The food was just as delicious as it’d been the last time I went there.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (December 13, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s Wednesday, so time for the Wednesday HodgePodge. I’m so happy Joyce, being a Christian, did her best to be inclusive by not mentioning “Christmas” specifically where it wasn’t necessary and instead writing “the holidays”. Thanks for being mindful of those subscribing to other faiths or spiritual paths or none at all! Here goes.

1. Oxford’s Word of the Year for 2023 is “rizz”. Hmmm…before today had you ever heard the word? Do you know what it means? (Apparently it’s short for charisma) Have you ever used the word? If you were in charge of the world, what word would you declare word of the year for 2023?
Never heard of it nor used it. No, I had no idea what it means. If I were in charge of the world, wouldn’t I have better things to do than decide on a word for 2023? I have no idea what word I’d declare a universal word of the year.

2. What’s one word you tend to abbreviate in your writing or speech? (as in rizz for charisma)
I can’t think of any off the top of my head. I remember in high school we abbreviated a lot. “Philo” for philosophy class, for example. My spouse said it’s a grammar school thing. I remember the Center for Consultation and Expertise consultant writing a report on me in 2018 abbreviating the Dutch word for grammar school, which is “Gymnasium” (and no, it has nothing to do with sports) to “Gym” too. This may not sound as unusual to American readers, who abbreviate their version of gymnasium all the time, but it’s a real grammar school thing to say “I went to Gym” to say your secondary school was a grammar school.

3. Are you a Hallmark movie watcher this time of year? What’s your favorite character from a holiday-themed movie, book, or TV special?
I answered this question last year too I think, to the effect that I’ve never seen any Hallmark movies. Nor have I read many Christmassy or winter-themed books. I’d say my favorite characters are Aisha and Emily from the chapter book Snowstar and the Big Freeze by Daisy Meadows (and all of that series).

4. Something you look forward to eating this month?
Cinnamon stars, of course! I always talk about those. They are a type of holiday-themed cookie by a Dutch brand called Bolletje. They come in chocolate tree and coconut bell (or vice versa) varieties too. Two years ago, I got four packages of cinnamon stars from my day activities staff in Raalte and had to share the last package before it expired in late February.

5. What’s the most stressful part of the holiday season for you?
This year, visiting my parents on the 25th. It’ll be the first time in five years that we’ll be visiting them and the first time in as many years that we’ll be together as a family (including my sister). Of course, my brother-in-law and two nieces will come too.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I updated to iOS 17.2 last Monday, which introduces the Journal app to the iPhone. So far, the only thing I sort of like is the Suggestions thing, which Day One, my usual journal app, has made use of too, since it’s an API. I still think it needs improving on though.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (June 14, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I last touched the blog. Honestly, I haven’t been feeling inspired. Today is no exception. I’m joining the Wednesday HodgePodge once again. Here goes.

1. What does productivity look like to you?
I honestly don’t really know. I don’t do to-do lists, but I do have goals. For example, I’d really like to blog at least three times a week.

2. What was your fondest (or one of your fondest) memory of High School?
Participating in the Model European Parliament debating contest, in which students pretend to be EU representatives. Especially because I was chosen by a student committee, not the teacher. The students were in the year above me, mind you. I don’t think my classmates would ever have picked me. Neither, it turned out, would the teacher responsible for the contest and he didn’t shy away from admitting that it was because of my blindness. That, he also admitted was the reason I didn’t make it beyond the provincial level. I don’t mind. Going to Arnhem for a week to debate the European Union’s most pressing issues (I was on the foreign affairs committee) was cool. So was partying at night and getting tipsy on two beers, the most alcohol I’ve ever had. And trying a few puffs of a joint. Which, since I didn’t smoke, did nothing. For which I’m intensely grateful, since I later found out about the mental health risks of cannabis.

3. What did you do the summer after High School?
Nothing in particular until I started at the blindness training center in late August.

4. June 14th is National Strawberry Shortcake Day…are you a fan, and if so will you celebrate? How do you make yours? Have you been strawberry picking? If so what do you do with all those berrries?
I have no idea what shortcake even tastes like, since it’s not a thing here in the Netherlands. I haven’t been strawberry picking recently either.

5. What’s something you always splurge on?
My latest crafty interest, so it’s been polymer clay for several years. I am quite embarrassed to admit that, ten years ago, during the year I started crafting, I probably spent at least €1000, if not more, on card making supplies. And this was a time when I couldn’t sensibly afford to spend €100 a month on things I didn’t need. Besides, I ended up throwing most of my supplies away after that year.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I recently bought new AirPods. The old ones had an annoying beep in the right earbud, and since I had given up on the perfect noise canceling headphones, I decided to settle on AirPods instead. The good news is I actually figured out how to pair them with my PC.

Alarm Anxiety

Posted on by Astrid

I just came across an interesting concept when reading Pat’s Soapbox Thursday for today: alarm anxiety. Alarm anxiety is the fear of the alarm not going off or of not getting enough sleep before it does. When I read her description, immediately alarm bells (pun intended) went off in my head. This is what I dealt with throughout high school and into university.

When I was at secondary school, I’d compulsively check that my alarm was on. Since my alarm was at the other end of the room and I couldn’t visually check it due to being blind, I had to physically leave my bed to do so. And I’d do so at least thirty times a night. And worry that, by the time I’d finally fall asleep, if my alarm did go off, I’d still sleep through it because I hadn’t had enough sleep. This only happened once in my entire six years of secondary school.

I had other compulsions too, but these are too embarrassing to share here. In general, I’d spend hours engaging in my various rituals at night. I wouldn’t necessarily say I had OCD, as these obsessions and compulsions only affected me at night.

They got a lot worse when I lived independently and went to university. I had to check whether my front door was locked, all non-essential electronics unplugged, window open, heating off, alarm on and I’m pretty sure there’s something I’m forgetting right now. All of the things that needed to be checked, were for a reason, of course. For example, the heating needed to be off in case of a carbon monoxide leak (even though I didn’t have my own boiler) and the window needed to be open so that, if such a leak occurred, the chance of me getting poisoned would be lower.

I’d spend hours upon hours pacing through my apartment checking that these things were as I needed them to be. It was exhausting!

Thankfully, my compulsions left immediately when I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital. Either the fact that a staff member was on the ward at all times, comforted me, or the mere fact of my having been removed from my apartment and its specific triggers, caused me to be able to let go. And, of course, alarm anxiety was no longer a thing, as the staff would wake me. Besides, we weren’t required to be up by a certain time anyway.

TGIF: Lonely in a Crowd

Posted on by Astrid

Today, Paula Light talks about loneliness in her TGIF post and I thought I’d follow suit. There is this weird feeling when you feel loneliest when surrounded by a roomful of people. I’ve been feeling this way lately.

It’s not as bad as it was during my high school years, when I felt isolated in the full cafeteria because I knew no-one wanted to talk to me. I mean, back then, especially in the first year, classmates were assigned to guide me through the building and I’d be sitting during lunch break with whoever was my guide for the day. It was very obvious that most if not all classmates didn’t want me there.

The situation is different now. My fellow residents definitely do seem to want me in the living room with them. Several ask when I’m coming to have coffee there again as opposed to in my room. Some specifically come out of their rooms to join me when they hear my voice. In short, it isn’t that I’m unwanted.

And in a sense, it isn’t that I can’t connect either, although that’s probably more where my loneliness is coming from. I struggle to strike up conversations with my fellow clients especially when more than one person is talking at the same time and even more so when the staff are having a separate conversation among themselves. I also get overloaded really easily, but don’t tend to notice until it’s too late. As a result, I struggle with a need for connection but also a need for a sensory-friendly environment and these often clash. Lately, I’ve chosen connection, but I fear this will lead my staff to decide I am ready for less one-on-one support. I don’t want to be seen as too demanding of attention, but when my needs clash, I really do need support to find the right balance.

Mutism or Manipulation?

Posted on by Astrid

When I was a teen, I’d often go mute whenever certain personal topics of discussion came up. My mental health was such a topic. Much as I wanted to speak, my mouth wouldn’t form the words I wanted to tell my teachers or other people who intended to help me.

Even though I felt intensely anxious, my silence was commonly viewed as an act of rebellion. A way of manipulating those around me into, well, I honestly don’t know what.

When my parents and high school tutor had finally agreed that I needed professional counseling – or rather, my tutor had convinced my parents of the need, I assume -, my tutor informed me that the counselor had to meet certain very specific requirements. He or she needed to know blindness, because, well, I’m blind. The second requirement, I can’t remember, but the third was that he or she had to be exceptionally intelligent. The reason for that one was the fact that I, too, was supposedly extremely intelligent. If the counselor wasn’t smart enough, my tutor explained up front, I’d outsmart them with my manipulation. By this, he meant my so-called refusal to speak.

To this day, I am still unsure as to what made him think my silence was an act of willful defiance. Of course, everyone manipulates others at times, but I am pretty sure my mutism wasn’t – still isn’t – part of it.

This post was written for today’s Word of the Day Challenge, for which the prompt is “silence”, as well as E.M.’s RWP, which is “rebellion”.