Like a Rolling Stone… #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “favorite place”. I am not a fan of traveling, so I have absolutely no idea what my favorite place to go on vacation would be. I did go on a postponed honeymoon in 2012 to the Swiss town of Zug and it was beautiful. That is, walking through the mountains was quite an experience. The town itself was full of top-notch expensive cars.

We haven’t been on vacation since 2014 and, though my best friend and I (my best friend currently still being my spouse, for those who don’t know) have discussed vacation plans, neither of us is keen on going anywhere, honestly.

I would probably be considered a homebody. Except, what is my home? My staff often refer to the care home as “home” when talking to me, but it still feels off. And though I have no plans of traveling to any exotic locations anytime soon (or ever, considering most truly exotic locations are not easy to get to for someone who hates flying), I wouldn’t consider my room in the care home to be anything close to a favorite place. Or maybe it’s my least hated place out of all. After all, I’ve never truly felt home anywhere. Not with my parents, not in independent living or with my spouse nor in any of the places in the care system I’ve resided in.

I guess I’m like a rolling stone. After all, I’ve never truly connected to any particular place. This feels sad.

School Reunions

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. One of this week’s Writer’s Workshop prompts is to write a post based on the word reunion. This reminded me of two reunions, one I actually attended and one I didn’t.

The reunion I did attend was for the school for the blind I had been a student at for my last three years of elementary school in the late 1990s. The reunion took place in 2008 and it was on school grounds. The reason the reunion was held, was the fact that many buildings would be reconstructed in the next couple of years, so as to give former students and staff one last chance to see school grounds in the form they’d remembered them.

The school included buildings for both elementary and secondary school, as well as homes for the residential students and a place for leisure activities where the non-residential students had lunch too. I was a non-residential student and only attended elementary school, like I said.

There were two reasons why I wanted to attend the reunion. One was to meet former fellow students and staff. That was a success. I met my best friend from school, with whom I hadn’t been in contact since leaving this school in 1998. I also briefly talked to my fourth grade teacher. That was awkward, as I didn’t feel comfortable disclosing to him that I resided in a psychiatric hospital at the time.

The other reason I wanted to attend the reunion, was to see the school in the form I remembered. That, unfortunately, wasn’t a success, because part of the elementary school, including the classrooms, had been destroyed in a fire in 2006. Part of the building was still standing, but it was no longer useable.

I was on grounds a few more times attending smartphone use training in 2017. On May 24, I believe, there’s going to be another reunion for this school, but it isn’t on grounds and I know no-one who will be attending, so I won’t either.

This brings me to my other reunion story. IN 2013, my high school celebrated 100 years of existence. I for a while considered attending, but was still in the psych hospital at the time and besides, my entire high school experience had been quite bad. So I didn’t go.

A few years later, I got an E-mail from a former teacher there. She had been my Dutch teacher and tutor for the first year and part of the second year of my attending this school, until she went on sick leave and finally found another job. She had been at the reunion and had wondered about me. Having read part of my website, she now understood why I hadn’t been at the reunion.

This, as it turned out, would also have been my last chance of meeting the teacher who’d become my tutor after the Dutch teacher left. He got cancer about a year after I’d graduated high school in 2005 and died in 2016. I am pretty sure it was for the better that he didn’t know that I was still in the psych hospital then.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (May 4, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m once again joining #WeekendCoffeeShare on Sunday, as yesterday, I had a busy day and was too tired to write.

Today’s the day we commemorate Dutch people who died in World War II (and in every war, conflict and maybe they now count terrorist attacks too since). Only 5% of Dutch people currently were alive during our liberation on May 5, 1945. I never was all that much of a May 4 and 5 follower, but I have over the past few years learned to be more mindful of the freedom and rights I and those I love have, since they are more and more being threatened. For this reason, I think I’m going to do the two minutes of silence at 8PM this year. I hope I’ll have finished my post by then. I’ve just had dinner, so no coffee for me, but I’d love to offer you a drink.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. On Wednesday, we had our first day when, at the national weather institute in De Bilt, the temperature climbed to above 25°C. On Thursday, here it even got to 28°C. I read that the first day of temps above 25°C usually doesn’t happen until mid-May. I appreciated it though. Today, the daytime temp didn’t get above 13°C.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you I’ve done a lot of walking again, as well as riding the side-by-side bike. My May challenge on my Apple Watch is to double my movement goal twice. I already did it once so far, so that should be ridiculously easy.

If we were having coffee, then I’d share that one of the sick staff whom I’d made the polymer clay frog for last week, let me know via her colleague that she was really happy with it. I had originally asked another staff to pass the frog for the other sick staff on to her. Then, on Tuesday, that staff said it may be nice for the two of us to pop by the sick staff’s house on Wednesday so that I could personally give the frog to her. I did ask the staff whose idea this was to text her colleague to ask her permission for us to stop by, since some care workers with good reason don’t want clients to know where they live. Now I for one never even look up my staff online and would certainly not violate their living space. The sick staff gave her permission so one of the side-by-side bike rides was to there. The staff’s kids were home too and one of them asked me where I live. I, being awkward with young kids that I am, originally mentioned the institution town and then said I lived at [staff’s name]’s work, only to realize that [staff’s name] is “Mommy” to the kid.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that the other side-by-side bike ride was to a market once again. I resisted the urge to buy something, as I’d already been to the supermarket on Monday and I reasoned even just strolling the market is a nice experience. Besides, we did have lunch at a fish diner.

If we were having coffee, then I’d share I’m still struggling with the temp worker situation and how much energy goes into explaining everything to them. Sometimes, I think staff get me, while at other times, it seems as though they’re absolutely clueless.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you that, yesterday, I went to Nijmegen for a cerebral palsy meeting again. It wasn’t the nationwide CP day. That had been in early April but was held in a city that’s a two-hour journey from here, so I hadn’t gone there. Nijmegen is about a 45-minute drive in good traffic. This meeting lasted three hours total and there was no theme. Rather, we gathered in a restaurant and had lunch and some drinks and just chatted. I have met many of the participants a few times before, but there were a few newcomers too. With one of them, I chatted almost the entire time, because we had so much in common. She recommended a few resources to me too.

After the meeting, I had decided to go to my best friend’s parents’ house (ack, “in-laws” is a lot shorter 😉). My best friend picked me up in Nijmegen and drove us there. My best friend’s sister was there for a bit too with her one-year-old son. I really don’t do well with kids, although this one is a lot less loud than my nieces.

I didn’t get back to the institution until 8PM yesterday and went to bed shortly after 10PM. I’m honestly still quite tired.

Neurospicy Burnout

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. A few days ago, I listened to a podcast episode on autistic burnout. It’s the most recent episode of Beyond Chronic Burnout, a podcast for autistic women (and other marginalized genders, I hope) and their helping professionals. It discussed the Spicy Pepper burnout questionnaire, which apparently is a questionnaire to determine your level of burnout. I got overloaded trying to find the actual questionnaire amid all the ads etc. and it looks like the website it was published on, isn’t particularly screen reader friendly, so I wasn’t able to take the test. However, from the descriptions discussed on the podcast, I believe I’m in quite a significant burnout and have been for, well, years.

What is autistic burnout, you might ask? Autistic burnout is like regular burnout from being overworked, but it is really more like being overworked living life in a world not designed for autistics. As I have said for many, many years, just living in a neurotypical world is hard work for me.

I want to clarify that autistic burnout is often amplified by co-occuring conditions such as ADHD. In fact, writing this just reminds me of something I read several years ago that said that having fibromyalgia, which is often agravated by stress, is often correlated to ADHD. This is why I refer to neurospicy burnout.

The podcaster claimed that the first signs of burnout in autistics usually appear between the ages of four and six and many autistics experience their first actual burnout between the ages of six and ten. This was hugely validating. I, at age five, fell ill with what my parents claim was the flu, but it did lead them to get me into special ed quicker than originally intended. Age seven is always when my parents claim I changed from a cheerful, happy child to angry and depressed. This correlates with my having to start learning Braille, so according to my parents I then became aware of my declining vision. This is probably correct, but it doesn’t mean that my difficulty accepting my blindness was the only or main problem.

The first warning sign of autistic burnout, the podcaster says, is suicidal ideation. Oh my, can I relate! I honestly always thought that the first sign of burnout, whether neurospicy or work-related, was exhaustion. That with the fact that I react to overload with overactivity and irritability, always made me believe I’ve never had “real” burnout symptoms. Now I realize that I may not have fully collapsed (yet), but I do certainly experience burnout. And have for, well, my entire life since I was seven, I guess.

Kymber’s Get to Know You (May 1, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. How is it May already? Time flies and the #AtoZChallenge certainly was a fun thing that made time fly. I really do hope I’ll be able to continue in the flow of blogging, but I won’t promise anything even to myself.

Today, I’m joining Kymber for her Get to Know You prompt. This week, it’s a This or That. Here goes.

1. Shopping online or shopping in-store?
For fun, I prefer shopping online, honestly. It allows me the ability to browse what’s available, whereas in-store I’m dependent on someone to tell me what they see. Because of this, if I could really do all my shopping online and package delivery here to the institution wasn’t as complicated as it is, I’d do all my shopping online. Yes, I do realize that town centers would be empty without stores, as they already are much emptier than they used to be. We’ll find a solution to that though.

Currently, I do go shopping in-store once a week with my best friend and I do love going to the supermarket with my staff. However, the latter is probably because the supermarket doesn’t deliver to the institution and I can’t access the website of the one that does.

2. Science fiction or mystery?
Mystery, although in all honesty I’m not that much of a fiction reader. I do read the occasional sci-fi novel but think mysteries are more my thing out of these two.

3. Movie adaptations or books?
Books. I don’t watch movies, because without audio description I can’t follow them because of missing the visual aspect and with audio description, I can’t follow them because I get overloaded. Then again, like I said above, I am not that much of a fiction lover in general.

April 2025 In My Kitchen

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Phew, I made it to the end of the #AtoZChallenge! It’s 11PM now, but I still badly want to write a post for Sherry’s In My Kitchen linky. I could of course write it tomorrow, as it’s technically a beginning-of-the-month linky in Sherry’s timezone, but that feels off to me. Sadly, though I had planned to do some cooking, I haven’t actually prepared any dinners this past month. However, I did enjoy several other kitchen endeavors.

First, I downloaded several new cookbooks off Bookshare. One of them is Coffee Creations by Celeste Wong. I really want to be able to create my own coffees. That being said, being the scatter-brained person that I am, I didn’t pay attention to the fact that most coffees I felt like creating (lattes) are espresso-based. I did buy a milk frother last Monday, but not an espresso machine. Now I’m either having to be creative by deciding that a regular coffee can be the right base for a latte, or consider the milk frother an impulse buy that isn’t for me. And to be honest, I’m not even sure I like lattes, as I enjoy most specialty coffees more for the syrup and add-ins. I did buy a few bottles of coffee syrup that are probably way too large for me to use up before they’ll go bad.

Other than that, I’ve also been creating smoothies. I created the best cherry chocolate mocha smoothie. When starting the blender, it made a weird noise, so I was worried that some cherry pit had remained in my store-bought packet of frozen cherries. I guess not though, since there were no pit remains in my smoothie as far as I could tell and I didn’t get sick either.

I also made a mango-passion fruit smoothie. Yuck! I used mango, passion fruit, banana and coconut water and I guess I don’t like the taste of passion fruit, as I’ve used all other ingredients before and had no problem with them. My fellow clients did claim they liked this one though.

Lastly, I have one kitchen adventure to share that was a success: flat bread topped with cheddar, sun-dried tomatoes, red onion and bell pepper.

When running the photo through Be My Eyes, an image description app, it identified every ingredient correctly, including correctly naming the flat bread. It however did say the flat bread was topped with “orange cheese”. I was apparently already totally blind by the time I saw cheddar for the first time, as I can’t remember its color. I asked my best friend whether this was the pinch of cayenne I had used or whether cheddar is orange. It turns out in the Netherlands, cheddar is colored with annatto and as a result is a little orangey. Originally, it is a white cheese. Isn’t that interesting?

Zodiac, Etc.: Astrology for Personal Growth #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. For my letter Z post in the #AtoZChallenge, I’m writing about astrology. This may be seen as cheating once again, as astrology is about as far removed from science as can be, but then again my topic is personal growth and some people do believe in astrology and use it for self-development. I realize I already wrote a bit about the topic for my letter T post in 2020, which also covered tarot. Like you may’ve noticed during this year’s #AtoZChallenge if not the one in 2020, I believe firmly in picking what works for you and leaving the rest whether it’s science-based or not. Like, I personally do find the Enneagram helpful and I occasionally do visit astrology forums online too. I just wanted to make clear that I’m not claiming there’s any evidence behind it.

So what is astrology? Astrology is the belief that the position of the stars and the celestial bodies they form in space have an influence on people and the natural world. The Zodiac sign, or sun sign, is the celestial body closest to the sun at the time of an event (usually a person’s birth). Mine is Cancer. There are other signs that are important in astrology too, such as the person’s moon sign.

What does someone’s Zodiac sign say about their personality? Honestly, nothing. I mean, I did a quick Google search for personality traits of people with the Zodiac sign Cancer and, though the first two hits (I was too lazy to look any further) included somewhat similar traits, they are incredibly broad and I no doubt would be able to find different descriptions if I weren’t so lazy. For example, Cancers are supposed to be caring, creative and intuitive. They also supposedly value long-lasting relationships. Well, doesn’t everyone? Oh, and we care about traditional values. Not me! But maybe that’s because I was born prematurely and should really have been a Libra. Just kidding.

Youth to Midlife: At What Point is Personality Development Complete? #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m cheating a little with my letter Y post in the #AtoZChallenge, because I’m not really talking about any Y topic. That is, my topic for today is personality development from youth to midlife.

Many people believe that someone’s personality development is more or less complete by the age of eighteen. This isn’t true. The last phase in emotional development, which covers people’s individuation from everyone else, isn’t complete until a young adult has reached age 25 or so.

Similarly, cognitive abilities such as executive functioning, which is important for impulse control, haven’t fully developed until a person is in their late twenties.

As such, can we say that someone is well and truly an adult by the age of 30? Not necessarily. After all, life experiences also contribute to adulting. This means that in today’s society, where people leave home later, many don’t start a family until they’re in their mid-thirties, etc., with respect to life choices, someone hasn’t truly faced the most difficult ones until they’re around age 40. Which is midlife whether you want it or not. Yes, Millennials like me might want to pretend to still be youthful, and this makes sense from a personality development standpoint, but we’ve most likely had (nearly) half our life behind us.

What does this mean if you want to work on personal growth? What does it mean when you’re struggling with a personality disorder? Personality disorders are said to start in early adulthood and be stable over time, but are they?

I try to see it as there being hope. People with certain personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder, do experience improvement of their symptoms as they get older. In fact, when I was in my mid-twenties, my psychiatrist told me my dissociative and emotion regulation problems (which were at the time not diagnosed as BPD, by the way) would likely get better as I got older. So far, they haven’t, but then again I (hopefully) still have half my life ahead of me.

Xennials, Boomers, Gen Z, Etc.: Does Your Generation Determine Your Personality #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Wow, we’ve arrived at the dreaded letter X! Now let me tell you X, by recommendation of one of the founders of the #AtoZChallenge (I don’t remember who) several years ago, was the first letter I decided on a topic for. This topic isn’t necessarily related to personal growth or even psychology, more to sociology. However, it’s fun nonetheless.

My topic for today’s post is generations. The idea that people of one generation have similar traits that differ from those of another generation, is tempting. Like, we all grew up at different times in history, so doesn’t it make sense that the technology available to us, the major world events of our teen years, etc. affect our personality?

The short answer to this though is “No”. Yes, young people (Gen Z currently, those born between 1995 and 2010) have a different attitude to life than older people like Gen X (birth years 1965-1980) or Boomers (1945-1965). They, for example, tend to have a more laid-back work ethic (also known as them being lazy) and a more relaxed view towards the future.

I see this myself in all the temp workers who are self-employed, most of them in their early to mid twenties. They clearly are in there for the quick money (self-employed temp workers get nearly twice as much as regular employees) and have a rather short-sighted attitude, such as not having disability/sick leave insurance.

If you read this, you may wonder why I said generations don’t have different characteristics. The reason I said so is it’s not their generation, but their age. When other generations were in their early twenties, they had a similarly laid-back attitude towards work or school. As an example, I’ll give my father (Boomer): he was in college for ten years free-wheeling through different majors and never finished anything. As he got older though, he did develop a more serious work ethic.

So what generation am I? I was born in 1986 so am none of the generations mentioned in the title. Xennials, after all, are on the cusp between Gen X and Millennials, roughly birth years 1977-1983. Instead, I’m a core Millennial. And it’s definitely the best generation to be in. After all, in our teens, we got a world-shattering terrorist attack to adapt to, in our twenties, we survived the Great Recession, and in our thirties, we survived COVID. If that doesn’t make us resilient, I don’t know what does. Just joking.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (April 27, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I really wanted to write a #WeekendCoffeeShare post yesterday, but was dealing with neck and shoulder pain and was quite tired, so I lay in bed by 9:30PM. I originally intended this to be a quick lie-down and planned to write my post after my music pillow had auto-disconnected after thirty minutes. Well, before those thirty minutes were up, I set the pillow to keep playing until I either manually turned it off or its battery was empty. Guess what? I know for a fact that the latter happened sometime during the night, because the pillow was no longer connected when I woke up at 8:30AM, but I swear I didn’t hear its pretty loud sound indicating it needs charging. I slept like a log!

Anyway, all this to say I’m doing my coffee share on Sunday evening. I’ve just had my last cup of coffee for the day, but I can serve you some soda or tea. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first as usual I’d talk about the weather. We’ve had some rain, some sunshine and some clouds. Today, the daytime temp was 19°C. We’re supposed to get almost summerlike temps of 23-24°C this coming week.

If we were having coffee, next I’d share that I’ve been crafting again. I made several polymer clay frogs for staff members who are recovering from surgery. The frog (Dutch: “kikker”) is sometimes used as a symbol for cheering someone up (“opkikker”). The first one took me over an hour to finish, but the second one was so much easier once I’d figured out how I wanted it. Here’s the second one.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that I have a new assigned staff. One of my two assigned staff is on long-term leave for familial reasons and the other is a student. I had been a bit angry at the student for various reasons, among which her way of communicating the temp worker situation with me. The new one will be my assigned staff together with the student. I can get along with her pretty well.

If we were having coffee, finally I’d make use of the fact that I write my coffee share on Sunday to share that my spouse and I had an important discussion today after our outing to have lunch and shop. We have made up our minds that we’re getting divorced. We will continue to be best friends, but since there’s no sexual or romantic component to our relationship and we’re not living together nor intending on ever doing so again, it makes sense that we officially divorce. We have been having this on our minds for several months already, so the discussion, though hard, wasn’t altogether a surprise to me. We mostly need to work out how much my spouse owes me for my contribution to our mortgage, so that the house can be completely my best friend’s and no longer mine. I guess I will from now on refer to my spouse as my best friend to ease the transition for me.

It may seem like I’m not affected emotionally by this decision, but I am. I mean, I’ve mentioned a few times that my spouse and I will always be soulmates, but the fact is nothing is for certain. When we got married after all, it was to affirm our everlasting love to one another. Though our feelings for each other haven’t changed all that much since we first met in 2007, there’s this voice in me telling me this is the beginning of the end. I tell myself this is attachment anxiety talking. Whether it is or this fear is real, doesn’t really matter in the present moment though, as right now we’re still soulmates.