How I’m Feeling (Or Something Like It)

Posted on by Astrid
Daily writing prompt
How are you feeling right now?
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I’m not sure how I feel right now. It’s past 11PM and I badly want to write, but don’t have the slightest idea what about. That’s probably why I’m turning to the WordPress Daily Prompt, which is quite generic today if you ask me. Or is it? Maybe it’s just that I, being quite intellectually-focused, don’t know how to answer this.

Wait, I was an Enneagram type 4, right? I guess not. I’m perpetually confused as to whether I’m a 4w5 or 5w4. Maybe that means I’m some other type entirely. Or the Enneagram is just pseudoscience (which I know it is but feel in my heart that it’s not).

But I digress. I’ve been feeling all sorts of things today. In the afternoon, I rode the side-by-side bike to the next town to buy some groceries. I also bought a hand mixer and a baking tray, because next week I’m going to bake Biscoff blondies. This was a fun activity, so I felt good. Retail therapy, I guess.

In the evening, I felt overloaded because my spouse was telling me a story on the phone at the same time that a staff entered my room. This had me feeling stressed out for an hour or so.

Then I felt excited again, as I was going to craft a special coffee for my fellow residents and staff. It’s special because it had hazelnut-flavored coffee syrup in it and foaming milk on top. I’m no barista or even close, but I liked the activity. One of my fellow residents, the last time she got my special coffee, was over the moon about the “liquor” in it.

Now it’s 11:30PM and I’m probably supposed to be in bed, but I don’t really feel tired. I think I’m just going to read some more blogs and then go to bed.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (August 15, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone on this warm Friday evening. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. I usually do mine on Saturday, but I’m motivated to write now so let’s make use of it. I just had my evening soft drink and a single-serving bag of chips. I’d recommend you’d grab something to drink if you were here. Let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been hot all week. In fact, I’m pretty sure we have a local heatwave, meaning five days in a row of daytime temps above 25°C, of which three with daytime temps of 30°C or above. I haven’t checked the news in months and don’t want to check it now, but I don’t think it’s a national heatwave.

If we were having coffee, then I’d share that, thanks to the nice weather, I was able to eat outside three or four times this past week. Did I share my spouse gifted me a new outside table, because I’d broken the one I’d gotten last year? My spouse had ordered it online and had had it delivered to the institution. We hadn’t seen each other since, so yesterday after a lot of pestering, I decided to snap a picture. I rarely take pictures fully independently, so if this one’s unclear, I apologize.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you I’m still going strong with my movement and exercise goals on my Apple Watch. On Saturday, I did in fact break my active calorie record. Yesterday, I broke a record with the longest bike ride. My Apple Watch also said I burned the most calories during a cycling workout, but I doubt that’s true.

If we were having coffee, next I’d announce my participation in the Walk on Sunshine on October 4. It’s a walk to raise money for the Dutch cerebral palsy charity CPNederland. The goal is to walk at sunrise. Sunrise is at 7:45AM that day and the staff usually don’t get here until 7:30, but one of the staff agreed to come here early and do the walk with me. I signed up for the 5km walk, because that’s a challenge for me particularly in the morning, but not impossible.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you all that I’m still struggling. I experience a ton of trust issues towards my staff and am not sure these are entirely unfounded. Like, today my spouse and I were on the phone during my entire late afternoon activity and, though it was nice to talk to my spouse, I worried that the staff are going to cut my care hours because of it. After all, for some time they tried to make my spouse visit me each Sunday so that they could cut my hours.

Honestly, I think I’d be much more independent if I knew that, when I have a bad day or a bad moment, I can always get some extra support. In this sense, my psychologist back in the mental hospital was right that anxiety is part of the reason for my dependence. However, her subsequent actions to “treat” me, ie. kicking me out of the hospital into independent living with minimal support, actually worsened my situation. So did my staff’s decision back last year about my having to compensate for every moment I needed extra support due to distress. These and other strategies, while intended to encourage self-reliance, actually achieved the very opposite. After all, my abilities fluctuate and my mental state doesn’t adhere to a day schedule, so that I’m only in distress when I have one-on-one. No, I don’t purposefully work myself up in order to get more support, but my mistrust of my staff’s continued actual support does lead to distress.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (August 2, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m once again joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s almost 10:30PM, so no more drinks other than water for me. That green tea I got a month ago has gotten a meaning of its own lately, symbolizing my lack of independence and self-determination. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Grab yourself a favorite drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been rainy most of the week and honestly less warm than I’d like it to be. I refuse to wear long-sleeved shirts in the middle of summer, but today, I almost regretted going out in just a T-shirt.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that in part due to the weather, I haven’t been as physically active as I’d have liked lately. Today, my spouse and I wanted to go for a walk but it was raining pretty hard so we turned around within five minutes. That was when I was out in just a shirt. I’m hoping I can still meet my movement goal on my Apple Watch today.

If we were having coffee, then I’d share that I was at our house today. My spouse got a new cat about six weeks ago and I hadn’t met him yet. His name is Caleb. Unfortunately, he hid under our bed as soon as I walked in the door and had to be dragged down by my spouse for me to be able to pet him.

We originally intended to cook dinner together or get pizza delivered, but since the weather didn’t permit us taking a walk and my spouse didn’t want to stay inside the house all day, we decided to drive to Apeldoorn. I needed a new jacket, after all. My old one, I’d bought seven years ago and it’d finally gotten damaged beyond repair in addition to being quite dirty. When my spouse asked me my size, I made a guess. It turned out the old jacket was several sizes bigger. Then again, back in 2018 I was at least 10kg heavier than I am now. I finally got a jacket with a size inbetween my original guess and the old one’s and it fits perfectly.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that, as of yesterday, I’m once again a tiny step down with my medication. Specifically, I’m now on the absolute lowest dose of pregabalin. I was never on a high dose anyway, in fact having been on my start dose for years, but as it is in medicine, apparently going up is easier than going down. Six weeks from now, I’ll most likely be completely off of pregabalin.

If we were having coffee, then I’d share I’m still struggling. Part of it is the realization that my life is far from “normal” and the fact that I feel guilty about not accepting this reality. I constantly have my last home’s staff’s words in my head about never having a perfect day. I am also constantly thinking of ways in which my life could be even a tiny bit more meaningful.

If we were having coffee, finally I’d share that I did have some good moments over the past week. Like I said on Thursday, I have been quite active in the kitchen. I also on Thursday crafted another clay parrot.

The staff who’s leaving, took this one and the one we made last week home with her yesterday.

Tomorrow, one of my assigned staff is going to do my morning activity with me and we agreed to work with clay again. I have yet to think of some ideas for what to make. She wanted an elephant, but I’m not yet sure how to go about doing that.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (July 26, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m once again joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s 9:45PM, so all I’ll have to drink before going to bed is water. I don’t mind though and hope you don’t either. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been raining all week, but temperature-wise, it’s been nice. We had daytime highs in the low 20s Celsius most days. Today, the temperature rose to 25°C. I hadn’t expected it to rain, so didn’t take a jacket with me when driving to Apeldoorn with my spouse. Thankfully, it only rained when we were in the car or somewhere else inside.

If we were having coffee, next I’d share that my spouse and I may not be divorcing after all. It’s a long story that is too personal to share on a public blog. The short version is that I sent an impulsive text last week asking my spouse to finally make arrangements, because I wanted to live independently. The reason for the text had nothing to do with my spouse, but it did get things set in motion. As it turns out though, it’s probably not practically in our best interest to divorce.

If we were having coffee, I’d go into the reason for said text: one of my “favorites” among the staff is leaving and this is at a time when I’m struggling significantly with most other staff seeming at once not to agree on any way to support me but somehow agreeing that I’m a pain in the neck. At least on a weekly basis, I hear stuff like “You can’t go anywhere anyway” or “Your spouse doesn’t want you in this state” when I’m being restrained or otherwise having my autonomy taken away.

Furthermore, it looks like my staff have decided that neither I myself nor my spouse have my best interest in mind, while in that order, we’re the ones most adamantly advocating for me. However, I saw impulsive comments my spouse made after we found out divorce may not be an option cited in my report. This wouldn’t have been such a big deal, had staff also objectively reported their own comments, like all the “You can’t go anywhere anyway” stuff. The way it sounds now, my spouse sounds like the bad one.

One of my assigned staff even got me to agree on getting more information about guardianship because she somehow feels that a person who doesn’t know me but knows the law is better able to make decisions for me. I have yet to tell my staff no on this one.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I did finally work with polymer clay again. I made a parrot for the staff who’s leaving, because this staff has two parrots. We have plans for making her other one out of polymer clay sometime this coming week.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share that I’ve been obsessing over recipes and cooking again. Like I said yesterday, I made a curry for myself and my fellow residents on Tuesday. The staff who helped me with it, proposed we do cooking again this coming Tuesday. This time, I chose a pasta bake. I’ve also been making smoothies and overnight oats recently.

I have an app on both my PC and iPhone to organize my recipes. It’s called Recipe Keeper and I’m half convinced it’s spyware like TikTok. Other than that, its only drawback is the fact that somehow I can’t have my password manager remember the password. This has me paranoid too. However, it’s the only app that’s available on both iOS and Windows that is remotely useable for me.

Like a Rolling Stone… #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “favorite place”. I am not a fan of traveling, so I have absolutely no idea what my favorite place to go on vacation would be. I did go on a postponed honeymoon in 2012 to the Swiss town of Zug and it was beautiful. That is, walking through the mountains was quite an experience. The town itself was full of top-notch expensive cars.

We haven’t been on vacation since 2014 and, though my best friend and I (my best friend currently still being my spouse, for those who don’t know) have discussed vacation plans, neither of us is keen on going anywhere, honestly.

I would probably be considered a homebody. Except, what is my home? My staff often refer to the care home as “home” when talking to me, but it still feels off. And though I have no plans of traveling to any exotic locations anytime soon (or ever, considering most truly exotic locations are not easy to get to for someone who hates flying), I wouldn’t consider my room in the care home to be anything close to a favorite place. Or maybe it’s my least hated place out of all. After all, I’ve never truly felt home anywhere. Not with my parents, not in independent living or with my spouse nor in any of the places in the care system I’ve resided in.

I guess I’m like a rolling stone. After all, I’ve never truly connected to any particular place. This feels sad.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (April 27, 2025)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I really wanted to write a #WeekendCoffeeShare post yesterday, but was dealing with neck and shoulder pain and was quite tired, so I lay in bed by 9:30PM. I originally intended this to be a quick lie-down and planned to write my post after my music pillow had auto-disconnected after thirty minutes. Well, before those thirty minutes were up, I set the pillow to keep playing until I either manually turned it off or its battery was empty. Guess what? I know for a fact that the latter happened sometime during the night, because the pillow was no longer connected when I woke up at 8:30AM, but I swear I didn’t hear its pretty loud sound indicating it needs charging. I slept like a log!

Anyway, all this to say I’m doing my coffee share on Sunday evening. I’ve just had my last cup of coffee for the day, but I can serve you some soda or tea. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first as usual I’d talk about the weather. We’ve had some rain, some sunshine and some clouds. Today, the daytime temp was 19°C. We’re supposed to get almost summerlike temps of 23-24°C this coming week.

If we were having coffee, next I’d share that I’ve been crafting again. I made several polymer clay frogs for staff members who are recovering from surgery. The frog (Dutch: “kikker”) is sometimes used as a symbol for cheering someone up (“opkikker”). The first one took me over an hour to finish, but the second one was so much easier once I’d figured out how I wanted it. Here’s the second one.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that I have a new assigned staff. One of my two assigned staff is on long-term leave for familial reasons and the other is a student. I had been a bit angry at the student for various reasons, among which her way of communicating the temp worker situation with me. The new one will be my assigned staff together with the student. I can get along with her pretty well.

If we were having coffee, finally I’d make use of the fact that I write my coffee share on Sunday to share that my spouse and I had an important discussion today after our outing to have lunch and shop. We have made up our minds that we’re getting divorced. We will continue to be best friends, but since there’s no sexual or romantic component to our relationship and we’re not living together nor intending on ever doing so again, it makes sense that we officially divorce. We have been having this on our minds for several months already, so the discussion, though hard, wasn’t altogether a surprise to me. We mostly need to work out how much my spouse owes me for my contribution to our mortgage, so that the house can be completely my best friend’s and no longer mine. I guess I will from now on refer to my spouse as my best friend to ease the transition for me.

It may seem like I’m not affected emotionally by this decision, but I am. I mean, I’ve mentioned a few times that my spouse and I will always be soulmates, but the fact is nothing is for certain. When we got married after all, it was to affirm our everlasting love to one another. Though our feelings for each other haven’t changed all that much since we first met in 2007, there’s this voice in me telling me this is the beginning of the end. I tell myself this is attachment anxiety talking. Whether it is or this fear is real, doesn’t really matter in the present moment though, as right now we’re still soulmates.

How My Personality Has Evolved Over the Years

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today, in her Sunday Poser, Sadje asks us how we’ve changed, personality-wise, as we’ve grown up.

The first way in which I’m far different from what I was like as a teen, is my self-expression. I am much, much more open about myself and my inner world than I was when I was younger.

Oh wait, I need to nuance that statement slightly. There, after all, was a time in my late teens and early to mid twenties, during which I was more open about myself than I am now. On my first blog, which I started as a diary in 2002 and moved to WP in 2007, I probably showed a little (a lot) more of myself than would be considered normal. Also, no-one probably remembers that I had my current blog URL for a few months in 2011 too, but I do. I particularly remember with a sense of shame a post one of my alters wrote just after I got married saying my spouse probably doesn’t even love me. Well, now nearly fourteen years on I’m convinced that my spouse does love me, but even if I didn’t think so, a public blog wouldn’t be the place where I’d spill my guts.

I do believe that, even though I was extremely private as a teen, the willingness to share my thoughts was always there. I just didn’t trust my audience at the time, ie. my parents and teachers. Now trusting the whole world isn’t necessarily safer, which is why I’m no longer as candid as I was even seven years ago when I started this blog.

Another way in which I’ve changed, which might be related to the above, is that I’m generally more outspoken and assertive than I was as a teen. I still oscillate between passive and aggressive a lot in daily interactions, but where it comes to major life decisions, I’m not as dependent on the approval of others as I was.

Lastly, I’ve probably become less judgmental than I was in my teens. I’ve also become less arrogant. I mean, back then I looked down on people with intellectual disability or those who were less educated than I was in general. It did take me having to rely on the care system myself in order to change that.

As a result of being less judgmental towards others, I have also become less hard on myself. That doesn’t mean that the voice telling me I should be able to live fully independently, isn’t there anymore. I am however able to channel that voice into prioritizing my need for self-determination.

Love Languages and Relationship Development #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today for my letter L post in the #AtoZChallenge, I want to write about love languages.

First of all, what are love languages? Love languages, in general, are the ways we primmarily prefer to receive or give affection.

That being said, the concept that there are different love languages was first populated by Gary Chapman in his 1992 book The Five Love Languages. The five love languages, according to Chapman, are:


  • Physical touch, such as hugging, kissing and holding hands.

  • Gifts: expressing love through giving meaningful gifts that symbolize the relationship. For example, my spouse giving me a stuffed teddy bear holding a heart.

  • Quality time spent together. For example, my partner and I often go to Apeldoorn together.

  • Words of affirmation: compliments or other verbal expressions of appreciation. I think cute nicknames are a part of this too.

  • Acts of service, such as my spouse having put together my Ikea cabinet.

Of course, as you can see above, people in a healthy relationship share all love languages, but Chapman believed each of us has a primary and secondary love language.

Chapman believes that people often naturally express their love in the same love language they would like to receive love in. For example, if one person usually takes other people on outings, their primary love language might be quality time and this then is the way they’d like their partner to show them love. For instance, in this case the person would really like their partner to spend quality time with them.

Then, if the partner’s main love language is physical touch, they will more easily start hugging the other person rather than spending quality time with them. This may lead to awkward situations or even conflict, because maybe the other person doesn’t like to be touched. As such, it is important, according to Chapman, to know your partner’s love language and learn to express your love in that language when interacting with them.

So are the five love languages backed up by science? The short answer is “No”. First of all, there are more ways to express love than just these five. Secondly, though there is some research that shows people lean more towards certain love languages, it isn’t true that people have just one primary (and one secondary) love language. In fact, as you can see above, my spouse and I use all five and more.

Grief: Dealing With Loss (Of Any Kind) #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’ve been struggling a lot lately again and, as a result, today am particularly late writing my #AtoZChallenge contribution. Today’s letter is G and I want to talk about grief.

Grief can refer to a person’s reaction to losing a loved one to death. That’s the most heard of definition anyway. Grief for a loved one who has passed away can last very long and, in fact, isn’t considered abnormal for the first year. If a person still experiences significantly distressing symptoms of grief more than a year after their loved one has passed, they may be diagnosable with prolonged grief disorder (also known as complicated grief).

Grief, of course, can also refer to the distressing symptoms experienced after losing a beloved pet. It doesn’t matter in this respect that the pet isn’t human; grief can still be experienced very deeply. I mention this because, like I said on Saturday, my spouse and I lost our cat Barry that day.

Grief, however, can also relate to distressing symptoms experienced after a loss that isn’t due to death. For example, heartbreak is in a way grief too. So are the distressing symptoms I experienced when losing my sight and, later on, many acquired skills due to autistic burnout.

Most people will be familiar with the five stages of grief described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. In reality though, many people will not necessarily experience these stages in order and they may fall back due to stress. Still, many of the symptoms associated with the earlier stages in this model, made it into the criteria for prolonged grief disorder. Symptoms of prolonged grief include:


  • Identity disruption (eg. feeling as though a part of oneself has died).

  • Marked sense of disbelief about the death.

  • Avoidance of reminders that the person is dead.

  • Intense emotional pain (eg. anger, bitterness, sorrow) related to the death.

  • Difficulty reintegrating, such as problems engaging with friends, pursuing interests or planning for the future.

  • Emotional numbness (absence or marked reduction of emotional experience).

  • Feeling that life is meaningless.

  • Intense loneliness: feeling alone or detached from others.

Of course, people can experience many of these symptoms without having lost a loved one to death. Emotional numbness and avoidance of triggers, after all, are also symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Many other symptoms occur in people who were traumatized in some way too. As an example, I relate to all symptoms when the aspect of bereavement is removed, and not just since Barry was put down. I don’t know whether that makes sense, but oh well.

March 2025 In My Kitchen

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I enjoyed the linky last month, so am participating in In My Kitchen again.

As regular readers of my blog will know, I don’t have my own kitchen because I live in an institution. We also usually get our dinners from a meal delivery service. Last month, I shared that I was hoping to do some more cooking in March. Guess what? I cooked dinner for myself and my fellow residents twice this past month.

First, on March 5, I cooked pasta with pesto, chicken and broccoli. My spouse joked after seeing the picture that the pine nuts were on sale. In reality, I hadn’t originally planned to sprinkle the pasta with pine nuts but my staff had loads of them, originally intended for her parrots, who don’t even really like them or that’s what she said.

A little over a week later, I cooked pasta again. This time, I included shrimp, lots of garlic, peppers, a few packages of mixed veg and, because according to me this was too little for ten people, a few bell peppers too. I needn’t have worried, because everyone had enough to eat and there were still a few servings left to go in the freezer.

I also made a few smoothies using my blender. Unfortunately, last week I found out that, somehow, the ring-shaped thingy that keeps the blades in place, had broken. I erroneously thought this meant the entire blender should be discarded. Yesterday, my spouse and I went to the electronics store and bought a new one, actually I believe it’s the same one I had. I also recently learned that I can actually make more smoothie with my blender than I used to think. After all, when you fill up the blender with fruit, veg or whatever you’re blending, you shouldn’t fill it up fully. Until recently, I however thought that this means you’re left with only, say, half the blender’s content of smoothie and that’s it. I never realized that you can add more food once the blender has finished blending some of its contents. Stupid, I know, but oh well.

In other kitchen-related news, my assigned staff has told me that she’ll add a weekly cooking activity into my day schedule. I don’t yet know when this is going to happen, but I did hear that my one-on-one support has been approved until the end of 2026 again. Yay!