Can’t Wait to Leave

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt for Five Minute Friday is “leave”. I am pretty sure this or a similar prompt came up before when I was in the process of finding what turned out to be my current care home. Maybe not on Five Minute Friday but on Stream of Consciousness Saturday or the like. Well, now that it came up on FMF, even though I’m not an actual Christian like most of the participants, I thought I’d join in. So, here goes.

I can’t wait to leave this nightmare of a care home. Today, a fellow client was being severely out of control right in front of my room and my would-be one-on-one had to leave me to attend to him because her colleague was alone attending to “the group” (ie. everyone except another one-on-one client). I felt it was unfair, because that other client’s one-on-one is non-negotiable, while my staff keep claiming I need to cut back on my hours. Well, I could not do any activity at all with how long it took the staff to attend to this other client and then bluntly tell me, once melting down, to calm down, etc.

I can’t wait to leave this nightmare of unclear and mostly very harsh treatment that I receive here. I mean, I’m not aggressive, but I get treated like I am.

I am hoping to find out when I’ll be moving to my new care home real soon.

I sometimes feel left alone on this journey. I try to turn to God, even though I no longer subscribe to traditional Christian beliefs. I really do hope that, even if (which I’m pretty sure is a “when”) I’m left all alone in this world, there’s someone out there who cares.

Hello Monday (August 7, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone on this first Monday of August. How are you all? Let me share about my weekend. I’m also sneaking in a bit about today, because I don’t think I can devote a separate blog post to the topic and it needs talking about anyway. I am joining in with Hello Monday.

Saturday started out pretty good. My assigned staff came to do my one-on-one for the morning. My schedule did get somewhat distorted because she came up with the idea of us clearing out my wardrobe. I didn’t mind at first, but I didn’t realize until it was too late how overloading this was.

Then eventually, after having had a shower, getting dressed and having had breakfast, I realized I’d forgotten the steroid cream I’d been prescribed for my eczema. I asked my assigned staff to help me apply it. “I’ll show you how, then you can do it yourself,” she said. Fair enough, you might say, but by this time I was well and truly overloaded. I sighed, to which my assigned staff made a comment about me being a “big girl” and that I could stomp my feet all I wanted (I didn’t). Once she got down to showing me how to apply the cream, she kind of curtly told me to relax my hand (which, well, having mild cerebral palsy, I simply can’t), then asked why I can’t. I got quite thick layers of cream on some parts of my skin and nothing on others, but in the end it didn’t matter, as the cream she’d grabbed was the oily lanette cream rather than the steroid. I do understand my staff meant well, in the sense that she’s trying to encourage independence. However, I often don’t realize how overwhelmed I am until it’s too late and at that point, any further demands will lead to me shutting or melting down.

Saturday evening was pretty good. We had home-cooked macaroni for dinner, which I loved! I actually was allowed a second helping.

On Sunday morning, my one-on-one arrived 25 minutes late, claiming it was only 15 minutes and that it just was what it was and deal with it. Then at lunchtime, she wouldn’t leave my room after I’d finished my drink (I wasn’t eating because I’d be having lunch out with my spouse), claiming she was making up for the time she’d been late in the morning. Well, it isn’t just sitting in my room that helps me. If she could’ve taken that time to help me with an activity that needed doing rather than just “chilling”, that would’ve been appreciated, but she couldn’t.

Thankfully, my spouse arrived around 1PM. We drove to Apeldoorn once again and, after a stroll around the city, decided to have lunch at Backwerk once again. I had the same old chicken barbecue baguette. Hema was closed, so we just had a drive around, then stopped by Aldi in the town next to where my institution is (I’m pretty sure those who live in the Netherlands know which town I’m referring to, if I haven’t shared it already). I wanted to get some nuts and Tuc (a kind of salty biscuit), which my dietitian allows me to snack on later in the evening. My spouse also got apricots, so I also bought those. And of course the perpetual Kinder Bueno. Then my spouse drove me back to the institution.

Once there, it turned out one of the staff had car trouble, so didn’t arrive till 4:30PM. Of course, it was my one-on-one that got cut. One of the other staff made it sound as though they were buying us French fries and a snack to make up for it, which I considered rather lame. Then after we’d finished our fries at 4:50, the staff informed me bluntly that my day schedule would be followed from there on, so I would have one-on-one again at 6PM. I felt this was ridiculous, but had no choice, as the staff were using stupid emotional reasoning to get me to agree with them.

In the evening, I did show my one-on-one how to make beads out of polymer clay.

Now on to my cheating by sharing a bit about today: this morning, my support coordinator informed me that he was going to attend the team meeting for my new care home to answer some questions about me, but that he thought I could answer those questions perfectly well myself. I agreed and went with him. Some of the questions made me feel a little uncomfortable.

The first question I got, in fact, referred to my drinking excessive water. That happened exactly once and was an impulsive act. I decided to broaden the topic and explain about my preference for how staff deal with my impulsive or self-harm tendencies, ie. by not giving more attention than needed to the behavior but to stay supportive of my emotional needs. I did forget to mention that wounds do need to be checked, something that doesn’t always happen here.

Overall, I mostly felt validated, in the sense that at least the team didn’t respond negatively to my comments. I did find it hard to walk the fine line between being too bluntly honest about my needs and delivering a sales pitch of myself. I hope I did okay though.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (July 29, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s been a while since I last joined in with #WeekendCoffeeShare, so I thought I’d write a post for it. I just had my evening coffee, as is usual when I sit down to write these posts. I may still grab a cup of green tea later though, since, like I mentioned yesterday, I started using the Water Reminder app again. If you’d like a drink, cold or hot, join me and let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, I’d first share about the weather. It hasn’t been summerlike, honestly. Rather rainy and the daytime temperatures barely got above 20°C. It isn’t supposed to get any better soon.

If we were having coffee, then I’d repeat myself by shouting off the rooftops for all of the Coffee Share crowd to hear that YAY, I AM MOVING!!! Of course, as those who read my post from Monday will know, I hardly know any details about my new care home and a moving date hasn’t been set. However, the bits of information I do gather, make me feel like this could be quite positive. I mean, it’s not likely my dream home or anything, but then again that was supposed to be this one, only that dream turned into a nightmare.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’ve been spending more time among my fellow residents lately. It’s not really my choice, truthfully. In part, it’s because I look for familiar faces in the communal room when I get assigned the umpteenth new temp worker. Then when I do get a familiar staff, they often ask me to join the group too. This morning, my one-on-one for the moment sincerely claimed another resident had asked me to come play a game of dice, but I’m not 100% sure it’s true with all the times the staff are initiating it. For those who don’t know, me being in the communal room, unless I’m indeed playing a game with the aforementioned fellow resident, usually means me sitting around doing nothing while the staff chat among themselves or scroll on their phones, thereby my not doing any meaningful activity. Besides, I usually get overwhelmed very easily, but the staff expect me to be able to tell them rather than them picking up on my signs. Today, I was extremely overloaded for over an hour after spending not even twenty minutes in the living room. With the fact that I’m moving, I’m not sure whether the staff want me to practice functioning in the group more so that they can lessen my one-on-one, as that wouldn’t benefit them at all. However, I don’t see any other reason for them to initiate me being in the group so often.

If we were having coffee, then I would tell you I closed all my rings on my Apple Watch every single day this week so far. That’s quite an accomplishment lately, as in late June, I broke my 300-odd day streak of meeting my movement goal and I once again didn’t meet it last week. I honestly have been rather unmotivated in the exercise department recently. This week though, I logged more workouts – mostly walking – than last week.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share that I’ve generally been really uninspired over the past couple of weeks. I did make some simple smoothies with my new blender earlier this week, but other than that, I hardly did anything creative. I can only hope I can change this sooner rather than later.

Hello Monday (July 24, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining Hello Monday for a weekend recap. The weekend was a true mixed bag, but those who know how much I’ve been struggling please do read on till the end for some exciting news.

Saturday was a truly crappy day. I got a total stranger as my one-on-one for the morning. This is not unusual, but the crappiness started as soon as I voiced my discomfort with her being a total stranger. Rather than try to comfort me, she was like: “What about if I leave you alone till coffee time?” Coffee time is at 11AM and it was just past 10AM. I said no, because despite what the staff here seem to think my one-on-one isn’t a mere suggestion. Fifteen minutes later, she was like: “I haven’t had breakfast yet. I need to grab some food, see you at coffee time, okay?” I went to the communal room, where my assigned staff happened to be, who set this straight with my would-be one-on-one. After that, we played some card games, had coffee and then she quickly decided to swap places with another staff. He’s not a stranger. Not someone I get along with, but at least I know what to expect of him (which is very little, to be honest).

In the evening, there was a staff shortage until 6PM and of course I was asked to come to the communal room to unburden the staff (his literal words). Then I got a staff I barely knew once again and only could play card games once again.

Sunday was better. I did get an unfamiliar one-on-one in the morning, but at least my spouse came by for a visit. We once again drove to Apeldoorn for lunch at Backwerk and hopped into Holland and Barrett for some essential oils. My spouse got a discount card even though we rarely shop there.

In the evening, my new support coordinator – did I share my old one left the agency a few weeks ago? – was my one-on-one for an hour. We went for a walk and discussed some aspects of my care, both unaware of the E-mail landing in my inbox at 7PM. My mother-in-law had forwarded it to me. It was originally sent to her at 11AM that morning. The subject line read something like: Painting Astrid’s new room.

The E-mail started with something like: “I am [name], support coordinator for Astrid’s new care home, [home].” The person writing the E-mail then went on to tell my mother-in-law that, when moving, a client can have one wall in their room painted in a desired color, and which color would I like?

I had heard my assigned staff mention this home among the possible homes considered for me, but I had absolutely no idea I had been accepted into it. I don’t know anything about the home other than what the care agency’s website says, which isn’t to be trusted due to the fact that they make things look better than they are. However, it isn’t really like I care. Any small improvement over the care I receive here is greatly appreciated.

Today, I confirmed with my support coordinator that I am indeed moving to this home. When the move will be, is not yet known for sure, but I’ll find out about two weeks in advance and be able to take a look around a few days before the actual move.

And for those who are wondering, I chose lilac as the color for my wall.

How My Attachment Style Affects My Decision-Making

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I have been contemplating my decision to move to my current care home from the previous one a lot lately. My assigned staff often asks me whether I might be a little too critical, because my old care home offered near-perfect supports and yet I wanted to leave. Indeed, it could be this is a factor. I’m an Enneagram type 4, after all, always looking for that elusive ideal.

However, I am also insecurely attached. Attachment is formed in early childhood between the infant/toddler and their primary caretaker. When there is frequent disruption in this attachment and/or the caretaker isn’t a safe person for the child (as in the cases of neglect or abuse), this attachment doesn’t form or forms insecurely. This then will lead to problems later in life with relationships, both romantic and otherwise.

The different attachment styles described differ per professional, but I primarily score as anxious-preoccupied. This means that I am essentially looking for close connections to people, be they my romantic partner or otherwise, but also intensely fear them abandoning me. I also relate strongly to the ambivalent attachment style, which is essentially a mix between avoidance and preoccupation. This would explain why I push people away when I sense they might be abandoning me.

This is where my decision to move out of my old care home comes in. Starting at the end of 2021, half the team of my old care home left their positions, including some staff I could get along with really well. I remember, shortly before making the decision to ask my assigned staff to involve the behavior specialist in finding me a new home, E-mailing that same assigned staff. The contents of the E-mail were rather, well, needy. I expressed the fact that I knew none of the staff currently working at my home could guarantee they’d remain with me for months, let alone years to come. I probably even mentioned my spouse, who, though we have zero intention of divorcing ever, might leave me eventually. That’s life. No-one can predict the future. And honestly, it kind of sucks.

Though my then assigned staff assured me my E-mail had nothing to do with it, she did indeed quit her job several months later. However, the fact that the team as it was when I got my one-on-one support funding, had pretty much fallen apart, gave me the impression I didn’t need to stay for the team. And since otherwise the home wasn’t suitable for me – because the other clients couldn’t speak and needed far more physical care than I did -, I started the search for a more suitable home. Which, as regular readers of this blog will know, I didn’t find. I mean, yes, my fellow clients can speak, but the support approach is very different and not in a good way from what I got at my old home.

My attachment style also means I often come across as very trusting, because I at least initially accept everyone into my life because I have such an intense fear of aloneness. This is often misjudged to be a sign of secure attachment. In fact, recently a relatively new staff tried to get me to join him on a car trip to get food for just the staff during my designated activity time. I felt kind of lured, because I didn’t want to but he was like “it’s fun, I’ll buy you a treat too” and then I didn’t feel comfortable refusing anymore. This should’ve been a big no-go had this person not been a staff member, but since he’s a staff member it was okay, according to one of the other staff I talked this over with. What this staff didn’t realize is that I’ve had previous experiences of risky encounters with men and a history of being a victim of sexual violation too. And, though of course my easily accepting others isn’t to blame for any victimization (that would be victim blaming), it is important to realize I don’t distinguish between those in a position to help me and those who aren’t, like that staff person believed.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (June 23, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’ve once again been feeling really unmotivated to blog. I didn’t even bother with the Wednesday HodgePodge this week. Today though, I want to write. I’m joining the #WeekendCoffeeShare linky. It’s been a while. I already had my last cup of coffee for the day, but we all need to stay hydrated, so if join me for a glass of water, that’ll be fab.

If we were having coffee (or water, but I always start my paragraphs this way), I’d start out by sharing about the weather. Ours has been mostly sunny and warm with daytime temperatures of about 27°C. On Tuesday we had a thunderstorm here and on Thursday it rained continuously all evening. My spouse loves thunderstorms, but Lobith didn’t get any.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I have been struggling quite badly lately. The staff here seem to have decided to consistently send the least familiar to me staff member they have on board to do my one-on-one, even when that staff isn’t the least familiar with the other clients. I am of course the one labeled manipulative when I get irritable at the unfamiliar staff. I originally wrote a long rant about this situation, but deleted it because really it doesn’t help anyone.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that, due to these difficult circumstances, I’ve been feeling rather depressed and not as motivated to do much of anything. I keep playing dice games on my phone in an app called Dice World. I also play dice with most staff.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that my sister and her family are coming to Lobith tomorrow for an early birthday celebration for me. I will be in Lobith by about 11AM, though my sister won’t be there till 3PM or so. Unfortunately, on Sunday, my mother-in-law has to be on call for the animal rescue service she does volunteer work for, so we won’t be going there.

On Tuesday, which is my actual birthday, we invited my parents to come to Apeldoorn. We’ll hang out in a park close by where I grew up and then in the evening we’ll have dinner at a Thai restaurant.

I finally decided today that I do want to celebrate my birthday at the institution after all. I’m going to make cheesecake on Monday and we’re going to have French fries and a snack for dinner then.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you that I finally used my alcohol inks on a polymer clay project. I made earrings, of course. They’re a bit thick and I later found out my particular brand of alcohol inks isn’t very light-resistant, so the color will probably fade rather easily over time. At least now I know I can use my alcohol inks.

Also, I may get my ears pierced someday. I had my ears pierced in 2001, but wore large silver earrings right after the thingies they shoot into your ears when they pierce them. Thing is, I’m allergic to nickel and silver often contains that, so I got bad inflammation and eventually decided to let the holes close up. Now though I really want to be able to wear earrings again. My assigned staff offered to take me, so that’d be really cool.

How have you been?

#WeekendCoffeeShare (May 27, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today, I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s been forever since I last joined in with this linky, but I thought I’d share some highlights of the past week with you all. I just had my morning coffee, but am probably going to finish this post after lunch or in my 30 minutes unsupported time before my afternoon coffee. For lunch, I’m just going to drink water, but since this is a virtual get-together, I won’t keep you from grabbing a coffee. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that the weather has been a mixed bag lately. Early in the week, temperatures didn’t rise above 15°C and we had some rain, but today’s daytime high is supposed to be 22°C and the sky is clear. Next week, we’re even supposed to get daytime highs above 25°C.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I didn’t really get in as many steps as I’d have liked this week. On Wednesday, I had a bad fall while walking. I hurt my knee and elbow and was dizzy for a bit. Thankfully, I only feel my knee a little now. On Thursday, I only managed a few slow and short walks due to the pain though. I did meet my movement goal on my Apple Watch each day.

For the month of June, I’ve signed up for two challenges on the Challenges app. One is a month-long challenge where points are accummulated based on closing each of your three activity rings, while the other allows participants to choose between basing points on steps or closing of the movement ring (I chose steps).

If we were having coffee, next I’d share that I’ve been pretty paranoid about my support lately. I am finding that I look at everything as a sign that the staff are trying to cut back on my one-on-one support hours. Now they say I get two hours more a day than I formally qualify for anyway, so this makes me feel rather, well, off. I can’t see how I can cut back on my one-on-one support hours as is, but I am pretty sure the staff think I can cope with even less than the hours they claim I qualify for.

I mean, I can cope with about half an hour in the communal room playing a game with a fellow resident most days. Today though, I got overloaded by several different sounds (a staff loading the dishwasher, another resident coming into the room and talking loudly to the staff, etc.). While all of these sounds are to be expected in a communal room (though the staff loading the dishwasher could’ve closed the kitchen door), they did overwhelm me. I managed to keep it together relatively well, but did feel upset that my one-on-one staff of the moment didn’t pick up on the signs that I was becoming overloaded. He claimed I could’ve told him myself and that I was making a big deal out of nothing. This further contributed to my thinking that the staff’s aim is to get me to function in the group without one-on-one. Which, of course, I should really aspire for too, but with how overwhelming even half an hour is in that communal room, I can see this just means being confined to my room alone.

If we were having coffee, lastly, I’d tell you that, on Tuesday, I’m going to meet with a behavior specialist for another care home. Like I mentioned before, I really badly want to move out of this home and my current behavior specialist finally approved this last March. They are currently investigating two possible homes here on institution grounds, but aren’t sure yet whether either will be suitable. Wish me luck with the meeting.

Hello Monday (May 8, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. My weekend was quite good, if a little hectic. I thought I’d share about it. I am linking up with Hello Monday.

On Saturday, I had a temp worker who was here for the first time as my one-on-one staff for most of the morning shift. Thankfully, I got along with him okay. This did mean I didn’t feel comfortable going on a walk, let alone working with clay or other crafty things. I did play a game of Yahtzee with a fellow resident in the morning. My weighted blanket was also finally put in the washing machine. I was a little worried that putting it in the dryer would damage it, but the staff told me he knew what he was doing. Thankfully, once I got back from Lobith on Sunday, I found out it was still intact.

In the afternoon, I got a new temp worker once again, but thankfully my spouse was here almost as soon as the evening shift started, so I didn’t have to deal with the temp worker long. We drove to my spouse’s and my house in Lobith, picking up groceries and Domino’s pizza along the way. I had the hot and spicy pizza with pepperoni, bell peppers, onions and jalapeños.

Because I hadn’t been walking all day on Saturday, I decided to do some dancing in the evening. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have reached my movement goal on my Apple Watch and I didn’t want to cheat by lowering it yet again (and I certainly didn’t want to break my 250-odd day streak).

On Sunday, we visited my in-laws for a bit. My mother-in-law and I went for a 40-minute walk through the village. In the evening, when I once again had a temp worker, but thankfully a somewhat familiar one, I went for two more 40-minute walks. Then, because I could, I danced some more. I finally doubled my movement goal on my Apple Watch for the first time in half a year.

Yesterday evening, I had a bit of an issue with my sister. I invited her to my birthday at the end of June, thinking that if I invited her now she would have plenty of time to make sure she actually could make it on one of the days my spouse and I are available. She got upset, because her and my youngest niece’s birthdays are first (this Saturday and on the 19th, respectively). She tried to ask me whether we would come over for her birthday too, which on the surface seems reasonable. However, being that she has both this weekend and the weekend after that planned pretty full with other family and, besides, we don’t do last-minute planning for trips that are this long (my sister and her family live over two hours away), I decided against it. According to my sister, the way it “works” in our family is everyone knows when our birthdays are and is welcome to come by, so it wasn’t like she should have invited me. Being the people pleaser that I am, I actually almost let her persuade me to allow her to ask her in-laws, whom I barely know, to pick me up when they would be visiting them on the 18th. Thankfully, my spouse intervened and told me that would be really unwise, since what if I have a meltdown either on the trip or when with my sister’s family? Finally, thankfully, it turned out she wasn’t really expecting us, but was just upset that I’d mentioned my birthday this close to hers. I can see her point.

Yesterday, as a side note, was my partner’s and my fifteenth anniversary of being a couple. I really feel pleased that we decided to “call it a relationship”back on May 7, 2008. We’ve overcome quite a few hurdles in those fifteen years, but I’m so happy that we’re stronger than ever together!

Currently (May 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I remember joining in with Currently every once in a while way back many years ago, but then the person who used to host the meme discontinued it and I never found it again. Now, I’ve rediscovered it. The Currently linky is a meme in which we share what we’re currently up to based on five monthly verb prompts. Here goes.

Loving:
First up is smoothie making. I am loving experimenting with ingredients, such as instant coffee and cocoa powder. One smoothie, in which I added just a little (or a lot!) too much instant coffee, turned out rather bad. One of my fellow residents still claimed she loved it though. We’re not officially allowed to give each other things, but since I just can’t make just one smoothie serving and she’s the one who enjoys my smoothies most, I make sure to consider her first when I have some left over.

Next are my tactile dice. I had and probably still have them at my and my husband’s house in Lobith but they’re probably down in some junk closet, so I decided to order new ones. I have been loving playing the game of yahtzee with the same fellow resident.

Picturing:
I will be going clothes shopping with my staff tomorrow and am kind of imagining how that will be going, both positively and negatively.

Craving:
I just had lunch when I started writing this post, so nothing at that moment. Now that I’m finishing up this post at 3PM, I’m craving white chocolate. I just hit my lowest weight since my wedding (in 2011) this morning and am really pleased with it though.

Wishing:
To find a more suitable care home. It’s been really hectic here at my current care home and I’m pretty sure the powers-that-be are testing my limits. For those visiting from the linky: I reside at a care home for people with mild intellectual disability and significant challenging behavior. I am supposed to get one-on-one support for most of the day, but this often doesn’t happen because others need or are supposed to need more care. I finally got the okay to be looking for another care home last March, but of course this can be a long process.

Collecting:
Smoothie recipes, of course. I downloaded several smoothie recipe collection books off Bookshare, the accessible book service for the blind or dyslexic. I don’t have all the ingredients for any one smoothie, unfortunately, but like I said, I’m trying to experiment.

Unique: A Rant on the Demise of Individualized Care #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today for my letter U post in the #AtoZChallenge, I want to rant really. I am not feeling well and really feel like, as an individual with developmental disabilities, my unique needs are missed in favor of what “everyone” or “the group” needs.

Back in like 2009, on my first WordPress blog, I already wrote a blog post criticizing care profiles for their doing away with individualized care. After all, care was now grouped into “care heaviness packages” (the old word for care profiles) based solely on one’s primary disability and one’s score on a rating scale, rather than there being different care classifications for each different sort of care (eg. support, personal care, housekeeping, etc.).

This is not what I want to talk about in this post though. Rather, I want to talk about the individual’s care needs being shoved under the carpet because they do not align with what that particular home is used to providing in general. And, in the case of my current home, it isn’t like there aren’t exceptions.

I cannot go into detail without breaching confidentiality – although really the staff shouldn’t have told me confidential information about other clients, truthfully. However, my home consists of “the group”, which are six clients or six clients plus me, and then there’s either me or I’m part of “the group” depending on whom you ask and when, and then there’s a client who gets full-time one-on-one. The one-on-one client is exempt from almost everything “everyone” needs to deal with, such as temp workers, regular switches in staff, of course alone time, etc. I don’t know all the reasons behind this and even if I did, I wouldn’t be allowed to disclose them here, but I frequently find myself being jealous of this client because her needs seem to take precedence over everyone else’s.

Then when competing for having our needs met, it’s me against “the group”. The home employs an extra full-time staff member to do my one-on-one even though I don’t qualify for full-time one-on-one, so I figured this should be a no-brainer: we all get our needs met, since I’d get my one-on-one and then there’s still even some hours when there’s an extra staff for “the group”. “The group” should be in luck! Well, no such thing: I am in luck if I get my one-on-one according to my day schedule and even then staff complain that I ask for too much if I ever so much as dare leave my room once during my time without support.

As for the temp workers, well, my needs get met last, because “the group” needs at least one regular staff and even if there are three regular staff members on shift, usually the fourth will be sent to support me so that the second won’t have to explain too much to number three.

In another situation, too, my individual needs get shoved under the carpet in favor of what “everyone” needs, ie. when I’m treated harshly for having a meltdown. I often hear staff say that they’d treat my fellow clients the exact same they treat me. Well, it may be so, but I’m not my fellow clients. I am me and I have my own unique needs.