Poem: Darkness

Posted on by Astrid

Darkness lingers all around
It’s like it envelops me…
Where will I be found?

Something strikes me by surprise
A sound, a smell, a shock…
Will this be the end, my utter demise?

I’m scared, I cry out for help, but no-one hears
If I stay here, am I doomed, like they thought…
Is this the realization of my fears?

Lost eyesight, I’m on your side
I think to myself, this is it, I give in…
Look on the bright side, suicide…

This poem was written for dVerse’s Poetics. The prompt is to pick a line (or more than one, as I did) from a song by Nirvana. I remember only the very popular songs by that band, and only vaguely, but I loved the opportunity to write an angsty poem.

Ways In Which I Was Not a Typical Teenager

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today’s Word of the Day Challenge is “Teenager”. This reminded me of a question a fellow blogger, I think it was Emilia from My Inner MishMash, once asked: in what ways we were not like a typical teenager.

This post could have been a lot shorter had I had to answer in which ways I was like a typical teenager. After all, I wasn’t like a typical teenager in any way. That doesn’t mean I didn’t try. Like, I pretended to be a Backstreet Boys fan even though I knew next to nothing about them and had hardly heard their music. I also pretended to have crushes on boys (and girls) even though I hardly knew them and quite frankly didn’t understand attraction.

I tried going to school proms the first few times in high school, but didn’t fit in at all. I also tried wearing what other girls my age wore. My mother asked my younger sister for advice when clothes shopping for me. However, somehow I always missed the mark. I couldn’t wear makeup nor was I interested in it.

With respect to interests, I have no idea what teenagers in the early 2000s were into. I did read what I assume was somewhat popular Dutch YA fiction, but had no friends so couldn’t discuss it with them.

With respect to socially appropriate behaviors, I was way off. Still am. I didn’t know how to take care of my personal hygiene, for example. I remember my sister gave me a deodorant as a birthday present when I turned fourteen, but I didn’t get the hint. Months later, when my teacher reminded me about hygiene because my classmates had been complaining, I still had no clue what an appropriate bathing and personal hygiene routine was.

Back in the day, most teenagers drank alcohol. I tried wine at home when I was fifteen (the legal age for alcohol consumption was sixteen at the time). When I was sixteen, I went out to a pub with a few classmates. I had two beers, the most alcohol I’ve ever had in a single sitting. Later that evening, a guy we were with from another school offered me and another girl in my class some pot, which we accepted. Since I hadn’t smoked beyond a whiff here and there, I probably didn’t inhale anything, as the stuff didn’t have any effect on me whatsoever.

Where it comes to Internet and social media usage, I was probably a rather naive teenager. I wrote posts like this one about my current rather than past life in my public online diary using my full name (I do think it’s still on this blog somewhere too). Not only did I not take my own privacy seriously, but I used teachers’ and other people’s full names when writing about them too. I’m so happy none have ever made a serious problem out of it and I also haven’t been the victim of online predators. That being said, I wasn’t one to make obscene comments, like some other people my age did back in the day using their full name. I would also panic when I accidentally clicked on something that might be unsuitable for minors.

In summary, in many ways, I was like a child in a teenage body. I still often feel like a child in an adult body, truthfully.

Poem: Light and Dark

Posted on by Astrid

Light
Feels good
Like the sun
On my skin
On a warm day in May

Dark
Feels bad
Like a rainstorm
Soaking me
In the midst of November

Light
And dark
Seem to contrast
Like one is always negative
And the other always positive

But without last November
May will never come
And so it is
With light
And dark

Feel all the feels
And remember
You’re alive
And so it is…

This poem was written for this week’s dVerse Poetics. The prompt was to use a piece of instrumental music as inspiration for a poem. I have a lot of playlists of instrumental music in my Spotify library, but choosing a piece was harder than I thought. I eventually went with a piece for which both the title and the music spoke to me. This seems to be intended for meditation and relaxation practices.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (October 18, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s Wednesday once again, so time for the Wednesday HodgePodge. Here goes.

1. What’s something small you tend to sweat even though you know you shouldn’t?
Hmmm, I tend to get nervous and frustrated about a lot of things that are probably minor to others, but to say they’re things I “shouldn’t” sweat, feels a bit invalidating. I mean, I could choose the situation where staff randomly switch up who is going to support me and as a result a staff I didn’t expect shows up in my room. This often feels minor to the staff, but honestly I think they don’t know what it’d be like to depend on an almost countless number of random staff for your everyday needs.

2. October 17th is National Pasta Day…do you like pasta? What’s your favorite? Cooked at home or eaten in your favorite Italian restaurant? How often do you make/eat pasta?
I love pasta. My favorite is either penne pesto or macaroni Bolognese. I know, in the U.S. it’s spaghetti Bolognese but even that isn’t originally Italian, as it’s a combo of Naples’ spaghetti and Bolognese sauce. The way I understand it, in Bologna they eat their recipe only with tagliatelle.

I enjoy my pasta mostly home-cooked. At my old care home, we’d get home-cooked meals on weekends, which was awesome. Here, we get meal delivery service meals each day, but I already agreed with one of the staff that I’ll be helping her cook macaroni Bolognese on the 28th.

3. Do you consider yourself a spontaneous person? Explain.
No, not at all. And usually when I try to do something spontaneously, it means I’ve forgotten something else and I end up majorly messing up.

4. Who are some of your heroes? Tell us why.
Do people who are no longer alive count? In that case, my paternal grandmother, of course. Some of the autistic activist pioneers, like Mel Baggs and Cal Montgomery too. I admire their work in standing up for their and all of our rights to an actually meaningful life.

5. Let’s wrap it up with something light…Taylor Swift…are you a fan? On a scale of 1-10 how much so? (1=who’s Taylor?, 10=a true Swiftie, seen her in concert more than once). If you’re a fan what’s your favorite T. Swift song?
Uhm, 2 I guess. I’ve heard of her. I’m not a fan, but it’s not about her. The thing is, I’m not a pop music fan at all. In fact, I rarely listen to music except for soothing instrumental music when trying to fall asleep. I honestly couldn’t name any of Taylor Swift’s songs if I had to.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I want to give a shout out to the app Be My Eyes and its AI-based image description component Be My AI. Until this was introduced several weeks ago, all we blind people had were Seeing AI, Envision AI and some other apps that did rather generic image descriptions. Be My AI, on the other hand, does a rather detailed description of images. I can’t copy an image description here because for some stupid reason I can’t get it to write its descriptions in English, but let me just say it’s great.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (September 6, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining the Wednesday HodgePodge once again. Here goes.

1. It’s National Read A Book Day…whatcha’ reading? What’s a book you want to read?
Honestly, I’m not currently reading any book. That is, I’m paging through a few, among them a positive body image workbook and Find Your Path by Carrie Underwood. And of course a ton of journaling books. I can’t remember the last book I actually read. I thought I wanted to read Cathy Glass’ latest foster care memoir, only to find out it’s her penultimate book. That’s truly sad, as I love the author. It immediately caused me so much disappointment I don’t think I want to read this book after all.

2. Which is better…having high expectations or low expectations? Explain why.
I am probably in the minority here, but I think having low expectations is better. Still better yet is having no expectations at all, but to let things unfold as they will. I grew up with parents who put a lot of pressure on me under the guise of high expectations and this – among many other things – led to some emotional scars. I also feel that, if we have high expectations of others in life in general – so people other than those lower on the social ladder than us (like children) -, we often come across as demanding and critical.

3. Serenity is ________________________.
A feeling of calm and being in the present.

4. What’s the most interesting thing in your purse or pocket right now?
Uhm, I don’t have a purse and rarely have anything in my pockets.

5. What helps you calm down?
Ideally, lying under my weighted blanket with my stuffed lemur’s tail over me, my essential oil diffuser on and a calming Spotify playlist like this one playing on my music pillow. Or just lying under my weighted blanket, if my phone needs charging and I don’t have any essential oil blend in my diffuser at the moment.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I have some awesome news: I have a moving date!!! On September 18, I will be moving to the new care home. I still know next to nothing about it, but I’ll follow my advice on question #2 and just let things unfold as they will.

Lovin’ Lately (July 28, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s time for me to share some of the things I discovered or bought recently that I’ve loved once again. I’m joining Friday Favorites.

1. iOS 16.6. Well, honestly, nothing’s new, but at least a long-standing accessibility bug that had been annoying me for months finally got resolved. Since iOS 16.5, which came out in early May I believe, for whatever reason, the panning buttons on my Braille display, which allow me to scroll, froze in all book-related apps after the first page, allowing me to read only one page and then have to turn VoiceOver off and back on. This made reading on my iPhone basically impossible. So, no shiny new features but yay, I can read again!

2. Books. This brings me to my second favorite thing. Since I can finally read on my iPhone again, I have been doing so a lot. I am currently reading Silenced, Rosie Lewis’ latest foster care memoir.

3. My new blender. I finally took the plunge and ordered a blender off Bol.com last week. I have only made two smoothies with it so far, but it’s good nonetheless. It is a power blender, but not by a high-end brand, because I just don’t have the money for that. Being able to read on my iPhone again, also meant being able to use the collections of smoothie recipes I have on there again.

4. The Water Reminder app for my iPhone. I have had it on my phone several times, but it’s probably Chinese and I at one point deleted all the Chinese-owned apps off my phone for fear of being spied on. Then again, my old headphones that I used with my computer, were a Chinese brand too, so what’s the point? Today, when I looked at the Water Reminder app, I discovered that there are far more drink types you can add than I previously thought. I was looking for “smoothie”, and yay, it’s in there.

5. The Celtic Relaxation Music playlist by SWake on Spotify. I discovered it while searching for Celtic instrumental music playlists. Though Spotify’s own Celtic Instrumental playlist is good too, this one is better.

What have you been lovin’ lately?

The Wednesday HodgePodge (July 12, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s time for the Wednesday HodgePodge once again. Here goes.

1. Is your life simple? Elaborate.
My life is both boringly simple and insanely chaotic at the same time and like you might’ve guessed, neither is in a good way. It is simple in part because it’s so chaotic. I mean, if I get a new-to-me staff member each day, I don’t get to try exciting activities with them that require me to explain a lot, such as crafting, because I cannot be sure I’ll ever see them again.

2. What simple pleasure are you currently enjoying?
I’ve been enjoying listening to calming music on my music pillow a lot.

3. Travel by plane or go on a cruise? walk or ride a bike? swim or ski? ocean or mountains?
I’ve never been on a cruise and don’t think it appeals to me, so I’ll choose traveling by plane. Walk for sure. Swim! Not that I’ve ever been skiing but I hate snow and the cold. Oh, that last one is hard, but I’ll pick the mountains.

4. What’s the last thing you bought online that you really loved?
I haven’t done a ton of online shopping lately, honestly, because package delivery to the institution is quite complicated and staff at my home have a policy of opening packages before they get to me to check for stuff they deem inappropriate. I solve the problem by getting my online orders delivered to my in-laws, but this means I can get my stuff here at most once a week when my spouse visits me.

Anyway, to answer the question, I think my AirPods Pro 2. I’ve had them for about six weeks now and they replaced the original AirPods Pro that I’d had for two years but that had started to develop an annoying high-pitched beep.

5. What’s your “back in my day we__________” story?
Even though I’m only 37, I am an oldie compared to most of my staff, who are in their early to mid twenties. As a result, most of my “back in my day” stories probably revolve around relatively small changes to technology. For example, my spouse and I met on a message board and most staff never used those.

Compared to the other residents though, I’m young, as all others are in their mid fifties to early sixties. I find I’m often confused when other residents talk about what life was like “back then”.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I am still struggling. In fact, last Monday, I hit another low point. My mother-in-law E-mailed the behavior specialist once again, but she’s on vacation until the 31st. I’m pretty hopeless right now.

Share Your World (May 1, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m really wanting to continue my blogging streak and, even though I have a lot I could still write about, I don’t feel like writing a long blog post. Instead, I’m joining Share Your World. Here goes.

1. The First of May is a Bee Gees Song.

Do you like the Bee Gees and if so, what is your favourite track?
I had to look up the group on Spotify to know what they produced, but my hunch was I couldn’t stand them. Indeed, they’re the ones behind Stayin’ Alive, More Than a Woman and other equally annoyingly-sung tracks. So no, I’m not a fan.

2. What was the first record (single or album) you bought?
I would like to say an A-Teens (ABBA cover band) album, as that’s what I listened to most, but probably it was the 1999 album Urban Solitude by Anouk.

3. Do you know what was top of the charts the day you were born?
I had to look it up and checked the number one in the top 40 for my birth week in the Netherlands too just to make sure it wasn’t completely different. It was On My Own by Patti Labelle and Michael Mcdonald. It’s another song I cannot stand.

4. Do you and your partner have a “special tune”?
No, not at this point. Our taste in music tends to develop together though: when we first were dating, we were both into Irish folk. Then came Tom Lehrer. Then followed German schlager and truck driving songs. Then punk (or that was before the schlager and trucking songs, I can’t remember). Then more recently country. Now we’re both into pop. I am more into dance too, as I don’t really listen to music just for its lyrics.

Gratitude:
Music has no hidden agenda, it can inspire, soothe and calm.
I agree wholeheartedly, although I must say people can misuse the idea of music. I mean, staff often tell me to “just” put on some music when I’m distressed. It can definitely help and I won’t deny that, but it’s no cure-all.

To end this post on a positive note, I am going to share one of my favorite songs to dance to.

Six of the Most Important Objects I Own

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m feeling like writing, but am a little lost for words, so I looked through my various collections of journaling prompts. One of them was to list some of the most important objects in your life and to share how you got them. Here goes.

1. My iPhone. I first got an iPhone in the summer of 2017. Back then, I was clueless as to whether I would be able to do much with it. However, it turned out I only needed six out of the ten allocated lessons from the blindness agency computer trainer. I have had my current iPhone, an SE 2nd generation, since June of 2020 and am pretty sure I’m going to try to keep it functioning until the 15 series comes out in the fall, because the regular 14 isn’t really an improvement over the 13 and the 14 Pro is too expensive.

2. My Apple Watch. I got my Apple Watch Series 7 at the end of August, barely a month before the Series 8 was released. I don’t really do many techy things with it. Like, I don’t use it to make phone calls or check my mail, but I really love its fitness-related features.

3. My computer. Oh my, I’m really mostly listing modern technologies here. As those who’ve read my blog recently, will know, I got my current computer a few weeks ago. I mostly use it for browsing the Internet, blogging, reading Kindle books and it’s a little easier than my iPhone for YouTube too. Other things, such as mail, reading other books, writing in my journal, etc., I do on my iPhone. Then again, I’m so happy to still have both.

4. My music pillow. Okay, it’s somewhat of a piece of technology too, but not as advanced as a computer or smartphone. A music pillow, for those who don’t know, is a regular pillow with a small speaker integrated in it and in this case a cable that you can connect to a music player or in my case my iPhone. I listen to music on my music pillow almost every night as I fall asleep.

5. My box of essential oils. Oh wait, since I own 33 different essential oils, do each of these count as separate objects? Oh well, I say they don’t. I wrote a stream-of-consciousness post on the box several years ago (although I’m not sure I had the exact same box then). I could’ve chosen my diffuser, but without oils, it would be useless. I love to create blends of essential oils for in my diffuser, but I also love to add essential oils to soap and homemade bath and body care products.

6. My soft toy of the moment. The one I sleep with, changes often, but the lemur is still popular. Since the orangutan is my latest addition, it’s currently among my favorites.

I now, as I finish this post, realize I’ve been rather materialistic. I mean, I could have mentioned my wedding ring or the framed picture on my wall that I got from the staff and clients at my old care home. I’m not saying these don’t have value to me. Like, I wear my wedding ring day and night. However, the way I subconsciously at least interpreted the question, was “important” as meaning “useful”. They’re not the same, of course.

What are some of the most important objects in your life?

Happy Homemaker Monday (December 26, 2022)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining Happy Homemaker Monday. Okay, regular readers of this blog will know that I’m not a homemaker. However, my staff, particularly one of the student staff, are trying to get us clients at the care home more involved in the homemaking process. For example, coming in the new year, we may be able to actually help prepare our own meals once a week. (For those not aware, we do get home-cooked meals everyday here and I actually have reasonably good meal prep skills when supervised, but up till this point the staff always cook our meals because it’s quicker.) We will also get our own vegetable garden this spring.

Because we’re required to title our post “Happy Homemaker Monday” and Sandra never got back to me when I asked whether we’re actually required to be homemakers to participate, but the questions do speak to me, I’m not sure whether I’m actually allowed to link up. However, I’m just going to give it a try and if I get kicked off, so be it.

The weather: rainy most of the time and cloudy all of the time. I don’t like it, but am not sure which I find worse: this rainy but relatively mild winter weather or daytime temperatures below 0°C. Let’s just say I can’t wait for spring.

As I look outside my window: well, I have my curtains drawn as it’s evening here and I’m blind so can’t look out my window really. Oh well, I do have an outdoors light outside of my bedroom window which I can see when I have my curtains open and it’s dark outside, which it currently is. It’s probably not interesting enough for sighted people that you guys would want a picture though. Besides, no clue what setting I’d need to set my simple cellphone camera to in order to do this.

Right now I am: typing this blog post. I’m sitting at my desk in my living room. This is really the only place I can comfortably type.

Thinking and pondering: still worrying about my support coordinator doing away with everything agreed upon in the meeting we had on Friday about my care. I received the summary of what was discussed in my inbox on Saturday and it was indeed good. This means I wasn’t dreaming that everyone in the meeting at least said they were on my side. Still, my support coordinator is still on vacation and, even though several staff have been saying she can’t tear apart my day schedule, I’m still kind of worried. Planning to ask the other support coordinator for reassurance later this evening.

How I’m feeling: worried but grateful. Cautiously optimistic too.

On the breakfast plate: four slices of bread with chocolate spread. I normally eat two slices when I do eat bread, but I was in Lobith (at my and my husband’s house) and wasn’t sure I’d be back at the care home for lunch.

On the lunch plate: I had a currant bun and a regular, plain bun. I also had water and I really need to stay more hydrated.

On the dinner plate: I have absolutely no idea how to translate what we had for dinner into English. First, we had a “rundervink”, a kind of beef mince wrapped in bacon. We also had potato tarts. And the kind of salad we had, well, I’m clueless as to what it even was supposed to be. Truthfully, Christmassy (we celebrate Boxing Day as an additional Christmas day here) as it may have been, I didn’t like it. One of the positives about us clients being allowed to help meal prep, is that we finally get a real say in what we’re going to cook.

Listening to: the Healing Harps playlist on Spotify. Not currently – right now, like most of the time, I’m just hearing my text-to-speech software speak and the heating or something buzz -, but it’s the most recent interesting thing I listened to. I love it when trying to sleep or rest.

Watching: polymer clay tutorials on YouTube.

Reading: a Dutch collection of columns by a businesswoman turned special ed teacher. I just finished a book of stories by a Dutch ER doctor. I’m wanting to read more English-language collections of real-life stories too, but not sure where to start.

Around the house: did I even ever share here that my apartment at my current care home has a separate living room and bedroom? I also have a pretty large bathroom and a walk-in storage closet, as well as an enormous terrace. Now that it looks like I’m not going to look for another care home after all (at least not within the near future), I may want to look towards actually making my apartment into a home-like place. I really hope to learn to take better care of it in the new year, which includes keeping it relatively clean and organized but also nicely decorated.

To-do list: I don’t really do those and didn’t make any plans for the next day or even next hour until very recently due to the nature of my support here. Now, thanks to my improved care, I can start actually having a bit of a to-do list. On it currently is finishing the polymer clay unicorn I started crafting with my assigned staff on Friday.

What I’m creating: just cured some polymer clay bear-shaped pieces that I’ll turn into earrings later, as well as a number of beads (well, I’ll still need to drill the holes). This evening, I crafted a turtle out of polymer clay, which is still waiting to go in the oven until I can cure it together with the aforementioned unicorn.

I still have a lot of finished polymer clay creations I didn’t show you all too. My most recent one is the below snowman.

Bible Verse/Devotional/Prayer/Quote: I am struggling with my faith quite a bit lately, so here’s a space for me to pray. God, help me see Your presence. I’m struggling to feel Your nearness lately. Please help me realize that You are there for me even as I go through these hard times, or especially then, or… well, oh wait, that You are always there. In Jesus’ name, Amen.