…Not Life Experience Deductible

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all. As I shared before, my birthday is next week. I’ll be 39. This means that next week will mark the start of my 40th year on this planet. It isn’t necessarily something I take too seriously, except that my best friend, who is “only” 36, loves to remind me that I’m the older one of us. Then again, life starts at 40, right?

We were joking about age again this afternoon when my best friend came up with a new mantra for me. I’d have to explain here that, for years when I was in the psych hospital, I had a profile signature at the forum my best friend and I know each other from (and at many other autism and mental health forums). It was: “Time spent in psychiatric institutions is not life experience deductible.” With this mantra, I meant to counter the professionals who told me that proper help and treatment, a long-time place to reside, etc. could wait because I was still young. Yes, seriously.

Now the mantra my friend came up with was: “The first 40 years aren’t life experience deductible.” This is actually the polar opposite of “Life starts at 40”.

While I believe that, indeed, the first (nearly) 40 years of my life matter as much as however long I have left here on Earth, I do believe that it’s never too late to create a brighter future. And that doesn’t have to include huge leaps forward. It can include small sparks of joy. In this sense, nothing I go through or accomplish each day is life experience deductible. Yes, it’s incredibly frustrating that things in the care system progress at such a slow pace, but that doesn’t disqualify the meaning of everyday pleasures.

Written for Fandango’s One Word Challenge for today, which is “mantra”. I love doing these little freewrites.

When Pluto Was a Planet #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

This morning, I read on a major Dutch news app that a dwarf planet had been discovered on the outskirts of our solar system, reducing the chances that there’s a ninth planet in our solar system to extremely low.

Wait… there are nine planets, right? That’s what I was taught in school and I’m not that old, am I? Or Maybe I am, since it’s been nearly 20 years since Pluto was officially declassified as a planet. It’s now a dwarf planet just like the newly-discovered one, even though Pluto is four times the size of this one.

That brings me to nostalgia in general. That time when Pluto was a planet, when there were 15 million people in the Netherlands… that’s a song, but there are now 18 million. I guess either time flies or I’m getting old or both, since there will always be 15 million people inn the Netherlands and Pluto will always be a planet. Oh, that’s rather ignorant.

This post was written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday, for which the prompt this week is “that time”. I’ve included the Spotify link to the song because YouTube doesn’t seem to work properly.

Xennials, Boomers, Gen Z, Etc.: Does Your Generation Determine Your Personality #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Wow, we’ve arrived at the dreaded letter X! Now let me tell you X, by recommendation of one of the founders of the #AtoZChallenge (I don’t remember who) several years ago, was the first letter I decided on a topic for. This topic isn’t necessarily related to personal growth or even psychology, more to sociology. However, it’s fun nonetheless.

My topic for today’s post is generations. The idea that people of one generation have similar traits that differ from those of another generation, is tempting. Like, we all grew up at different times in history, so doesn’t it make sense that the technology available to us, the major world events of our teen years, etc. affect our personality?

The short answer to this though is “No”. Yes, young people (Gen Z currently, those born between 1995 and 2010) have a different attitude to life than older people like Gen X (birth years 1965-1980) or Boomers (1945-1965). They, for example, tend to have a more laid-back work ethic (also known as them being lazy) and a more relaxed view towards the future.

I see this myself in all the temp workers who are self-employed, most of them in their early to mid twenties. They clearly are in there for the quick money (self-employed temp workers get nearly twice as much as regular employees) and have a rather short-sighted attitude, such as not having disability/sick leave insurance.

If you read this, you may wonder why I said generations don’t have different characteristics. The reason I said so is it’s not their generation, but their age. When other generations were in their early twenties, they had a similarly laid-back attitude towards work or school. As an example, I’ll give my father (Boomer): he was in college for ten years free-wheeling through different majors and never finished anything. As he got older though, he did develop a more serious work ethic.

So what generation am I? I was born in 1986 so am none of the generations mentioned in the title. Xennials, after all, are on the cusp between Gen X and Millennials, roughly birth years 1977-1983. Instead, I’m a core Millennial. And it’s definitely the best generation to be in. After all, in our teens, we got a world-shattering terrorist attack to adapt to, in our twenties, we survived the Great Recession, and in our thirties, we survived COVID. If that doesn’t make us resilient, I don’t know what does. Just joking.

Young At 40 Yet Old At 36

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all! A few weeks ago, my spouse sent me a YouTube short about millennials’ reactions to the idea of midlife. According to the American Psychological Association, or that’s what the YouTuber said, midlife starts at 36.

Then I read a blog post today in which the author, now retired, reflects on how she imagined retirement to be when she was still young… at 40.

I am 38. Does this mean I’m in midlife or does it mean I’m still young? It probably depends on your perspective.

After all, with respect to my daily life, since I don’t work or study and since I’m childfree, it allows me the same freedom a retiree would have. I also enjoy many things older people enjoy, such as crafting. That is, often younger women do craft, but it’s more for their kids.

With respect to my health, it’s a mixed bag. I am physically healthier than I was five years ago thanks to weight loss and moving more. I however do notice the effects of my disabilities (and probably my history of obesity too), in that I’m probably less fit than many women my age. For one thing, I do find that my knees hurt regularly.

All this being said, age is in many respects just a number for me. Sometimes, I feel like a lady in her seventies, while at other times, I feel quite childlike, both in a positive and a negative way.

Statistically speaking, I do realize I’m at midlife. This sometimes causes me to worry about aging, but then again I always had this worry that I’d die young. That’s not necessarily specific to midlife. I am pretty sure, in fact, that now that I’m physically fitter, the worry is less about myself. That doesn’t mean the worry has gone, but now it’s more of an existential dread regarding the world as a whole. I don’t think one is easier to deal with for me than the other.

I’m linking up with Talking About It Tuesday and #WWWhimsy.

The Wednesday Hodgepodge (May 29, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Sorry, it’s been a while. I’m really in a rut again, but today I’m feeling as though I might slowly be creeping out. I’m joining the Wednesday Hodgepodge today. Okay, I said I was leaving the Christian-based lifestyle blogger crowd, but I think the questions are fun and I don’t swear in my answers (or ever on this blog, really), so what’s the problem? It might be that I’m likely to encounter viewpoints I strongly disagree with among my fellow Hodgepodge’ers. Okay, we’ll see.

1. Growing up, at what age did you think you’d become an adult? At what age did you actually become an adult?
My parents always touted the idea that you were an adult by age 18 and should be able to take care of yourself by that age too. It always scared me though. On my 18th birthday, I wrote in my online diary that I was supposed to be a “fairy woman” now rather than a “fairy child” (my nicname was “Elfenkind”, which translates to “fairy child”).

When did I actually feel like an adult? Well, honestly… still not quite, at 37. When I fill out “life experience” surveys, they always say I have the life experience of someone in my early to mid-20s, in that, though I’m married and my partner and I own a house, I never worked, don’t have a driver’s license (duh), don’t live independently, etc.

2. Your favorite item you’ve bought this year?
My first instinct is to say my current headphones, but these are a recent purchase (like, a few weeks ago). I honestly can’t remember all that many physical items I purchased this year.

3. May 28th is National Hamburger Day…are you a fan? If so, how do you like yours? When was the last time you had a hamburger? Besides the backyard grill, what’s your favorite place to go for a burger?
I’m definitely a fan. My favorite toppings are anything spicy. The last time I had a burger was at Burger King when going to buy my new desk chair about three weeks ago. My favorite place to grab a burger is the local snack corner called Kwalitaria.

4. How have your priorities changed over time?
I have become more self-centered, honestly. This doesn’t mean I don’t think of others, but I do put my own oxygen mask on first, so to speak. When I was younger, up until my early 30s, I pretty much let other people make decisions for me and dictate how I lived my life even when those decisions were rather bad for my health and wellbeing. It’s still a process to unlearn this habit.

5. What’s one thing on your June calendar you’re really looking forward to?
There’s nothing I’m really looking forward to, honestly. It’s my birthday at the end of June, but I’m dreading seeing my parents and sister even more this year than usual. My partner has to work on my birthday, but we’ll likely celebrate over the weekend after it. Okay, wait, one thing I do sort of look forward to: I have plans to make cheesecake for my fellow clients on my birthday, since I’m not going home to my and my spouse’s house that day anyway. I’ll also be treating the entire home to French fries and snacks.

Oh wait again, it doesn’t have to be a special, once-a-year thing you’re looking forward to, and I’m really, really, really looking forward to seeing my spouse on Sunday!

6. Insert your own random thought here.
Finally been claying again. Working on some earrings. They didn’t turn out all that good but oh well.

Share Your World (May 13, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining Share Your World. It’s a lovely blog challenge on WordPress where bloggers answer four questions, with an optional gratitude section at the end. Here goes.

1. Have you ever lied about your age?
Not really purposefully lied, but my insiders/alters/parts (I most likely have a dissociative disorder) have different ages from my body age and they’ve sometimes been rather in your face with them, even though we rarely experience full-on amnesia and, as a result, usually know our body’s legal age on some level.

2. Is there any time in your life you would like to relive?
The year 2021 and the first half of 2022. Those were, all things considered, the happiest times of my life. I wish I could go back in time and make one different choice then too, which my regular readers will know: I’d travel back to April of 2022 and undo my decision to ask to move out of the care facility in Raalte.

3. Do you own any antiques?
Not at all.

4. Would you like to know some of the history of places you’ve visited?
Not sure. I did visit the institution museum a few weeks back and that was fun, but I don’t really care for historic buildings or anything.

Ways In Which I Was Not a Typical Teenager

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today’s Word of the Day Challenge is “Teenager”. This reminded me of a question a fellow blogger, I think it was Emilia from My Inner MishMash, once asked: in what ways we were not like a typical teenager.

This post could have been a lot shorter had I had to answer in which ways I was like a typical teenager. After all, I wasn’t like a typical teenager in any way. That doesn’t mean I didn’t try. Like, I pretended to be a Backstreet Boys fan even though I knew next to nothing about them and had hardly heard their music. I also pretended to have crushes on boys (and girls) even though I hardly knew them and quite frankly didn’t understand attraction.

I tried going to school proms the first few times in high school, but didn’t fit in at all. I also tried wearing what other girls my age wore. My mother asked my younger sister for advice when clothes shopping for me. However, somehow I always missed the mark. I couldn’t wear makeup nor was I interested in it.

With respect to interests, I have no idea what teenagers in the early 2000s were into. I did read what I assume was somewhat popular Dutch YA fiction, but had no friends so couldn’t discuss it with them.

With respect to socially appropriate behaviors, I was way off. Still am. I didn’t know how to take care of my personal hygiene, for example. I remember my sister gave me a deodorant as a birthday present when I turned fourteen, but I didn’t get the hint. Months later, when my teacher reminded me about hygiene because my classmates had been complaining, I still had no clue what an appropriate bathing and personal hygiene routine was.

Back in the day, most teenagers drank alcohol. I tried wine at home when I was fifteen (the legal age for alcohol consumption was sixteen at the time). When I was sixteen, I went out to a pub with a few classmates. I had two beers, the most alcohol I’ve ever had in a single sitting. Later that evening, a guy we were with from another school offered me and another girl in my class some pot, which we accepted. Since I hadn’t smoked beyond a whiff here and there, I probably didn’t inhale anything, as the stuff didn’t have any effect on me whatsoever.

Where it comes to Internet and social media usage, I was probably a rather naive teenager. I wrote posts like this one about my current rather than past life in my public online diary using my full name (I do think it’s still on this blog somewhere too). Not only did I not take my own privacy seriously, but I used teachers’ and other people’s full names when writing about them too. I’m so happy none have ever made a serious problem out of it and I also haven’t been the victim of online predators. That being said, I wasn’t one to make obscene comments, like some other people my age did back in the day using their full name. I would also panic when I accidentally clicked on something that might be unsuitable for minors.

In summary, in many ways, I was like a child in a teenage body. I still often feel like a child in an adult body, truthfully.

Act Your Age, Astrid?!

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today’s topic for Sunday Poser is the idea of acting our age. Society expects us to act a certain way depending on our age – not just behave quite responsibly past our mid-twenties or so, but also to wear certain clothes, listen to certain music, enjoy certain activities, etc. depending on our age. Do we generally conform to that expectation? A quick read through the comments on Sadje’s original post gave me the impression that, no, we don’t. And I personally certainly don’t.

With respect to the responsible behavior part, I have to admit, unlike the other participants, that I’m very much a child – no, a toddler – at heart. I still have significant temper outbursts, for instance. In fact, on my thirtieth birthday, I had an intense outburst and was adamant that I could no longer have those in my thirties. Well, my brain wouldn’t listen. It’s said that my emotional developmental level is comparable in many ways to that of an infant or young toddler.

In other ways, I’m still a child at heart too. I love unicorns, going on the swings at the institution playground and stuffed animals. I even talk to my stuffed animals at times.

Then in other areas, I do act my age or even older. I’m not keen on using my phone when doing another activity and get annoyed when my staff get constantly distracted by text messages. I don’t really do social media except for Facebook (which probably makes me appear really old). It isn’t that I haven’t tried, but I was rather late to the party with most platforms.

Of course, the fact that I use the singular pronoun “I” here, is a bit misguided too, since we’re a plural system and there are parts of all ages. This is probably one of the reasons that I can talk to my stuffed animals happily one moment, have a temper tantrum the next and be involved in an “old-fashioned” hobby later. I do sometimes wonder whether my parts are genuine alters or whether something like internal family systems could help them too. Then again, I’m not in therapy, IFS or otherwise, anyway.

Getting Older, Being Happier?

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt for Friday Faithfuls is aging. I used to think aging was scary. Even at the early age of four, I didn’t want my classmates to sing in a birthday song that I was growing up.

Then, a few years ago, I heard an episode of All in the Mind, an Australian psychology radio show (I listened to it as a podcast), about aging. In it, people were discussing the positive aspects of getting older and mentioned that, for people who got to age ninety or beyond, the happiest age they’d ever been in their entire life was 82. How they got to such an exact number, I don’t know, but I’ve since clung to that number. It helped that my assigned day activities staff at my old care home always said she was going to live to age 93. Since she is eleven years older than me, we had this inside joke about the two of us meeting up near the end of our lives when she was 93 and I was at my happiest ever, ie. 82.

There actually is, or so the people on the show said, some logic behind older people being happier than younger people. The reason is the fact that the amygdala, one of the parts of the brain responsible for registering fear, shrinks as we age.

Also, many people become more resilient as they experience more of life. Whether this is a biological, social or psychological thing or more likely a combination of all three, it does mean older people may be generally happier than those in their twenties and thirties, for example. Borderline personality disorder, also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder or emotion regulation disorder, of which I have some traits, tends to lessen as people get older as well. This lessening of symptoms usually starts in a sufferer’s early thirties. Indeed, though I cannot say I’m necessarily happier now that I’m nearly 37 than I was ten or twenty years ago, I am generally more emotionally stable.

The Wednesday HodgePodge (June 7, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining the Wednesday HodgePodge again. It’s been a while. Here goes.

1. Tell me something you remember (or if you’re not there yet, something you look forward to) about being 35.
I turned 35 in June of 2021. Honestly, it was one of the best years of my life so far, even though I didn’t see it at the time. It was the first year I had one-on-one and I started exploring polymer clay that summer, shortly after turning 35. I am pretty sure I made some of my best unicorns that year. At the end of 2021, I remember saying here on the blog that I had the best support I could hope for and now it was time to find the best med combo for me, referring to my wish to taper my antipsychotic. Honestly, looking back, I should’ve stayed in my comfort zone and not made the decision to want to move care homes (also when I was still 35, in April of 2022). Hindsight is 20/20.

2. Last time you “burned the candle at both ends”?
I rarely get up very early. My usual time to wake up is 8AM regardless of the time I went to sleep. That being said, if 8AM is considered early enough to count, I regularly “burn the candle at both ends, as I regularly stay up way past midnight. I remember once going to sleep at past 3AM and getting up before 8AM to get in my stand hours on my Apple Watch. I got 21 stand hours that day.

3. Are you someone with the “gift of gab”? Elaborate (which shouldn’t be a problem if you answered yes teehee).
I had to Google that expression. As for my answer, well, it depends. Sometimes I can talk up a storm, but sometimes I cannot articulate my basic needs.

4. Do you request a special meal on your birthday, and if so tell us what that meal is? Do you want the same kind of cake year after year or will any flavor work? Do you want cake at all? Growing up were birthdays a big deal in your house? Are they a big deal now?
I don’t really get to pick a special meal on my birthday now, although back in the psych hospital we could. Instead, I usually go out for dinner with my spouse and my parents on my birthdays. My spouse and I pick a restaurant. This year, we haven’t chosen one yet even though my birthday is on the 27th.

I don’t care for cake, honestly. My mother’s apple pie is good. So is homemade cheesecake. Other than that, I prefer a large waffle or something like that.

Birthdays were definitely a big deal growing up. That being said, I always managed to ruin mine as well as my sister’s with a meltdown or two. Now, though I like my birthday a little because of the presents, it’s more stress than fun.

5. “Age is just a number.”… agree or disagree? Tell us why.
I completely agree with Joyce’s answer to this question. I can feel all kinds of different ages, but it isn’t like I actually am an eight-year-old.

6. Insert your own random thought here.
I went swimming, yay! One of the student staff has a project on leisure activities for a client and she chose me. During our discussion, we talked about swimming. She initially wanted to go to the nearby lake, but I don’t really like that. It was actually my idea to call the institution pool to ask if there was a possibility for me to go swimming there just once. And there was. It was magical! And the best news is, it’s not just for once. Our home now has a spot to go swimming there each week.