A Multitude of Musings

Where #SoCS

Posted on August 10, 2019August 13, 2022 by Astrid

Where am I going? Where am I even right now? Yes, I am currently at home, writing this blog post. I go to day activities four days a week and spend the rest of the time at home or at my in-laws. I don’t blog nearly as much during the time I’m home as I’d want to.

I know I’m in the process of going into long-term care. It is an incredibly slow-moving process, so I can’t write much about it.

I have developed an interest in reading. I want to be blogging more about books. Not that I want to be a “book blogger”. I still want this blog to remain as eclectic as it has been so far.

But I want to do something with my life other than being in the process of going into long-term care. I don’t mean I want to work a real job or go back to university. Or maybe I do, but I know I can’t. Then at least reading should satisfy that need for doing something with my life.

Maybe I’ll someday pick up crafting again. Soap making or jewelry-making. I tried to make my own melt and pour soap at day activities again last Monday. It went okay. I needed a doable amount of help. Same probably with jewelry-making. At least with making the simple string necklaces I am used to making. They aren’t even bad. But they aren’t something I can blog about.

And as it seems, I’ve dedicated everything I do in life to the purpose of blogging about it. Well, not exactly. Of course I’m not going into long-term care to have a more interesting life to blog about. That seems like something my parents would think, since I did at one point feel like becoming a mother mostly for that purpose.

I can have a much more interesting life if I just live. And if I find joy in what I do. That way, I can help spread positivity. And I hope that by sharing where I’m going with a positive attitude, I can have an influence on the world, or at least the WordPress community. I don’t need to be an “influencer” – such an overused word – to be of influence. I just need to be me.

I am writing this post for Stream of Consciousness Saturday. The prompt this week is “Where”.

#IWSG: Writing Surprises

Posted on August 7, 2019 by Astrid

I am once again joining in with the Insecure Writer’s Support Group (#IWSG). This month, I’ve done a good amount of writing, but not nearly as much as I had wanted to. I have a lot of thoughts in my mind that I would want to put into words, but somehow, I can’t manage to sit quietly for long enough to actually go about writing those posts.

Anyway, the optional question for this month is whether your writing has ever taken you by surprise. Well, yes, but not in the ways the hosts think. I mean, I have only one published piece and, though the acceptance of the piece came unexpected, I wasn’t specifically not expecting it either. I had mostly not been thinking about it.

What I want to write about is the way my every blog post or other writing takes me by surprise. I rarely plan my writing in advance. I don’t have a blog planner. Maybe I should have one, as even right now, with two weeks’ notice of the following #IWSG day today, I sit here typing up a post that I don’t really know about where it’s headed. I mean, I could write the same old crap: that I’ve been meaning to write (more) poetry and fiction. In fact, a ton of ideas have been floating around in my mind, usually at night, but inbetween day activities and other obligations, I cannot find enough quiet time, like I said.

I am not even sure what direction I want my writing to take. Like, recently I’ve developed an intense interest in reading and book-related blogging. I have been spending a lot of my limited free time with my nose stuck in a book. I know, to be a good writer, you need to read a lot. I don’t mind. I just don’t know whether this will stick.

I Was Taught to Believe…

Posted on August 6, 2019August 6, 2019 by Astrid

That, if I didn’t have my parents’ support, I had no-one’s and I would never get anyone’s support. “You are socially inept,” my mother said, “and you got it from us.”

This exchange happened in late April of 2006, when I had just been kicked out of my parents’ house. Not that I still lived with them, and not that I was ever planning on doing so again, but my parents made it very clear that they would no longer support me. I don’t even mean financially, but practically and emotionally.

What had I done to deserve this? I had told them I was delaying going to university one more year. I wasn’t giving up on it. I was still going to meet their expectations of me that I become a university student, grad student, Ph.D., professor, you name it.

And then I didn’t. In the fall of 2007, while attending the university I had originally been meant to go to in 2006, I gradually fell apart and was ultimately admitted to the psychiatric hospital. Though I was discharged in 2017, I never went back to university.

Though my parents and I are still in limited contact, I know I don’t genuinely have their support. Not emotionally. I mean, I see them twice a year, talk to them on the phone about once a month and get €1000 at the end of the year to spend on new technology mostly. I don’t know whether this will remain the same when I go into long-term care (or when they find out about it). And I’m not sure whether I care. They aren’t the type to stop talking to me at funerals or the like and I don’t really need their money or birthday presents or phone chatter, though they’re nice. I won’t go no contact, but if they decide to abandon me, that’s their choice.

Because, though I was taught that without my parents, I had no-one, this isn’t true. I met my husband in the fall of 2007. You know, the fall that was supposed to be the start of my academic career and ended up being the catalyst to my getting a life of my own. My husband supported me through the psychiatric hospital years. He supports me through the years we live together. I trust that he’ll support me through the coming years when I’m in long-term care. I may be socially inept, but that doesn’t mean no-one will support me. Love me even.

This post was written for V’J.’s Weekly Challenge. V.J. challenges us to think about the untrue things we were led to believe as children or in other dysfunctional relationships.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (August 4, 2019)

Posted on August 4, 2019 by Astrid

I didn’t participate in #WeekendCoffeeShare last week, but this week, I’m joining in. Not that I have a lot to share as far as I can think of off the top of my head, but oh well. I just had a drink of Crystal Clear.

If we were having coffee or any other drink of your choice, I’d share that the weather is a lot better than it was last week. The week before, it was hot but not tropical hot, but last week, temperatures rose to 40 degrees Celsius. Now they’re in the lower 20s.

It’s good weather to walk, and so I did on Monday and Thursday. Yesterday too. I walked my in-laws’ dog with my mother-in-law for over an hour. I loved it.

In fact, if we were having coffee, I’d also share that I’ve been more active in the exercise department lately. I went on the elliptical twice this week. Unfortunately, my Fitbit activity tracker didn’t track it as exercise.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I’ve been watching but not paying attention to the talk about Siri and Google and all that eavesdropping on human conversations. I don’t really care. Same for the Tygpress thing. Yeah, I’m offended by the fact that some person probably took my content and is distributing it without my consent. However, the main thing I worry about is this thing killing the joy of WordPress for most people and my losing my audience. Or worse yet, that WordPress will somehow have to quit and I’m left without a blog. Ever since I moved my online diary to WordPress in 2007, even if I didn’t have an active blog all of the time, I spent most of my time trying to have one.

If we were having coffee, I’d confess that I did in fact eat all the candy that was left over from the candy cake we made on Tuesday in one sitting. That is, I left over two waffles for my husband. Then again, on Friday, when we went to the marketplace near day activities, we bought a ton of fruit.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I spent most of the week-end in my room reading. I’ve developed an interest in Rainbow Rowell. Not that I don’t read my usual memoirs anymore, but I want to read more fiction too.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that things on the house-buying front are moving smoothly. Did I share that we agreed on an offer for a house? We will hand in the signed buyer’s contract tomorrow.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share that my husband is a great cook. I had to have microwaved meals several times this week and eat at my in-laws once, but when my husband did cook, it was delicious.

What have you been up to lately?

My Encounters With the Police

Posted on August 3, 2019May 9, 2021 by Astrid

When I wrote my Share Your World post last Monday, I said I would write more about my encounters with the police. Now that I keep switching between a lot of seemingly meaningful activities and not sticking to one long enough to actually be useful, I thought I’d write this post.

My first encounters with the police, in 2000 or 2001, were for the “crime” of being or appearing lost. I would often go to the grocery store on my own to get candy, even though I didn’t really know my way there. That is, I had been taught, but being that I not only am blind but have the worst sense of direction, I couldn’t seem to get it right. So I often got lost and then people would see me wander aimlessly, sometimes crying in frustration, and they’d call the police. My parents thought the police were stupid.

One time, in 2004, the police threatened to arrest me “for support” if I didn’t go in their van with them. This was my worst encounter with the police, because not only was their use of force excessive (they physically pushed me into the van), but I hadn’t actually been lost.

Once I’d moved into independent living in Nijmegen in 2007, I got involved with the police several times for wandering. They’d take me to the police station, sometimes calling my support staff and other times the mental health crisis service. I was deemed “not crazy enough” for the crisis service to even assess me.

I have probably shared the story of my mental crisis in November of 2007 before. In fact, I know I have, maybe just not on this blog. This involved me threatening suicide while riding a bus. The police were called by the driver and took me to the police station. What I may not have shared, is that I got removed from the train station by the police earlier that day, for the reason that I appeared (and was) confused.

Now that I live with my husband, I sometimes fear police involvement when I wander off. However, this village is so tiny there isn’t any police on the streets anywhere.

Overall, my experiences with the police have been okay, other than the time in 2004 I was threatened with arrest and the time I was removed from the train station. The police in my parents’ city had a good amount of information on me on file, which I’m not even sure they’re allowed to anymore due to GDPR. Now, however, many mentally ill people carry a “crisis card” in their purses with basic information about them, their diagnosis, emergency contacts and what first responders should and shouldn’t do. I have yet to get myself such a crisis card. I will when I’m in supported housing.

Mystery Blogger Award!

Posted on August 2, 2019 by Astrid

Thanks a bunch to Beckie of Beckie’s Mental Mess for nominating me for the Mystery Blogger Award.

Rules

Put the award logo/image on your blog.
List the rules.
Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.
Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.
Answer the 5 questions you were asked.
Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.
You have to nominate 10-20 people.
Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.
Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice; with one weird or funny question (specify).
Share a link to your best post(s).

The Mystery Blogger Award was created by Okoto Enigma. I am unable to copy/paste the image.

Beckie’s Questions

1. If you were to have one wish come true, what would it be?
I’m going to be selfish here and wish for a bright future for myself and my husband.

2. What is the least favorite thing about yourself that you wish you could change?
My difficulty tolerating distress.

3. What was the last funniest thing to happen to you?
A funny thing? I don’t know.

4. What was your favorite subject in school?
English.

5. Weird/Strange Question… If you could have dinner with anybody (Dead or Alive) who would that be, and what would you like to ask them?
I never ask lots of questions during dinner, as it’s all about the food to me. I’d just have dinner with my husband.

Three Things About Me

My first word was “aircraft industry” when I was ten-months-old.
I went to grammar school, but forgot almost all my Latin and Greek.
I used to be an auditory learner and hated reading Braille until I was about thirteen. Then I got a computer and I hated the screen reader’s synthetic speech so much that I developed a preference for learning through touch.

I’m not choosing a favorite post, as I can’t decide. What do you all think is my best post?

My Nominees

My Questions

What is your favorite color?
What is the biggest challenge you face right now?
Do you have any pets?
(Weird/Funny) Would you want to be the opposite gender for a while if you could?
What was your major in college?

Candy Cake

Posted on July 30, 2019 by Astrid

I want to write more often about the ordinary things I experience in daily life, particularly those I’m grateful for. I considered doing a daily gratitude post or the like, but I guess that would get boring. Today though, I have some really joyous experiences I want to write about.

I may or may not have shared that, when my husband and I got married in 2011, we got a homemade liquorice cake from the staff and patients at the psychiatric unit I resided at. The bottom was made out of a Dutch candy called foam blocks. These are really made entirely of pressed-together powdered sugar and they’re yuck. The top, however, was layered with my favorite sweet liquorice. I loved it!

When my support coordinator and I were in the process of appealing the authority’s decision to deny me long-term care funding, we agreed to make another liquorice cake if we succeeded. And we did! Today, we made the cake.

As you can probably see, we didn’t choose foam blocks for the bottom layer. Instead, my support coordinator bought waffles, which are not only more tasty but also softer. This meant that my fellow clients at day activities who have swallowing difficulties, could at least eat some of the cake. After all, they can’t eat liquorice.

We then made a layer of marshmallow diamonds. Then we layered the top with an assortment of winegums, sugared candy and liquorice. Finally, my support coordinator sprinkled sugared pop rice over it. In the middle, we stuck a candle in the shape of the number four into one of the marshmallows. This symbolizes the fact that I got my funding approved on June 4.

My support coordinator took the picture above, so that I can show it to my husband and on this blog. Seeing AI, my image recognition software, did recognize the picture as being of a cake.

We ate some of the cake at our mid-afternoon coffee break at day activities. Though the other clients don’t understand the reason I made this cake, they definitely enjoyed it. And so did I!

Song Lyric Sunday: Movies

Posted on July 28, 2019May 9, 2021 by Astrid

I am rather late to join in with Song Lyric Sunday and I’m twisting the prompt a little. After all, I rarely if ever watch movies, so I have no idea what songs are in them. For this reason, I’m going with a song that wasn’t a movie title song, but should have been. Tom Lehrer famously introduces this song that he proposes as the motion picture title song for the movie Oedipus Rex. I am too lazy to look up the lyrics that include the introduction though.

Song Title: Oedipus Rex
Singer/Songwriter: Tom Lehrer
Release Date: 1959

From the Bible to the popular song
There’s one theme that we find right along
Of all ideals they hail as good
The most sublime is motherhood

There was a man though, who it seems
Once carried this ideal to extremes
He loved his mother and she loved him
And yet his story is rather grim

There once lived a man named Oedipus Rex
You may have heard about his odd complex
His name appears in Freud’s index
Cause he loved his mother

His rivals used to say quite a bit
That as a monarch he was most unfit
But still in all they had to admit
That he loved his mother

Yes, he loved his mother like no other
His daughter was his sister and his son was his brother
One thing on which you can depend is
He sure knew who a boy’s best friend is

When he found what he had done
He tore his eyes out, one by one
A tragic end to a loyal son
Who loved his mother

So be sweet and kind to mother
Now and then have a chat
Buy her candy or some flowers
Or a brand new hat
But maybe you had better let it go at that

Or you may find yourself with a quite complex complex
And you may end up like Oedipus
I’d rather marry a duck-billed platypus
Than end up like old Oedipus Rex

Working On Us Prompt: Coping With Crisis

Posted on July 28, 2019May 10, 2021 by Astrid

Today, I’m once again joining in with Beckie’s Working On Us Prompt. This week, the topic is to write a narrative of what works for you when facing a panic or anxiety attack, manic episode or other crisis. I don’t get panic or anxiety attacks much or mania at all, so I’m going to describe what works for me when I’m in an emotionally dysregulated crisis.

Like I’ve said before, I have BPD (traits). These are also known as emotion regulation issues. I also experience complex PTSD symptoms. Both can cause me to suffer emotional outbursts. In addition, I can get severely overloaded due to my autism. This can cause me meltdowns, which in some ways are similar to BPD outbursts. In fact, I’m not 100% sure my BPD diagnosis is correct given that autistics, particularly women, are often misdiagnosed as BPD.

Anyway, I usually notice an outburst coming on when I experience an increase in sensory reactivity. I also often start to experience a decrease in my language abilities. I start to stutter or can only make humming noises and repeat the same phrases. My staff at day activities say that when in this state, my communication abilities resemble those of a toddler. It is interesting, in that we have only one toddler alter. When I can’t do something to calm down, I may progress to a full-blown state of meltdown, in which I become angry and sometimes aggressive or self-injurious.

What helps me when I’m in such a state, is to physicaly remove myself from the situation. This is hard though, as often it feels as though everything that happens around me is important. Usually, my staff help me by clarifying what’s important and what is not.

Of course, now that I still live independently, I don’t always have a staff member available to help me sort through a crisis or make suggestions on how I can cope. I, however, have a phone number of a psych hospital I can call in a state when I’m close to a crisis. They can’t do much but listen to me and try to offer advice, but it’s definitely been helpful in some situations. The mental health team that treats me also has a staff available on the phone for crisis intervention during office hours.

Sometimes, when I’m in a really bad crisis, I take my PRN lorazepam. However, I have some experience with it being overused on me in the psych hospital. Like, whenever I’d react to a sound in an irritated tone of voice, staff would tell me to take a lorazepam rather than helping me to figure out what was causing me overload. This has really gotten me weary of PRN medication.