Gratitude List (July 27, 2019) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

I haven’t participated in #TToT in forever. Today, I’m wanting to join in once again. I recently joined their Facebook group too and I promised to be active then. So here are the things I’ve been grateful for lately.

1. A lovely walk on Monday. We got a heatwave here, so for most of the week, it’s been impossible to exercise or go outside much at all. It’s summer break, so the intern who normally takes me on the weekly walk, isn’t there. Thankfully, the staff decided they can have me join in the walk anyway.

2. My computer behaving as it’s supposed to. I got a new PC a few weeks ago and sold my Mac and overall, I’m so happy I did. It took a little getting used to trying to figure out E-mail, feed readers and such, during which time I spent $36 on a feed reader that wasn’t ideal. Then I finally decided that if I just accept that I’ll need to use both Google Chrome and Firefox regularly, I’ll do fine with my old friend (no pun intended) The Old Reader. It after all works fine in Google Chrome, but Facebook doesn’t. Now I’m just so delighted I have a Windows PC again.

3. Having been able to save more money than I expected. I will probably soon get a bill for €140 a month or more in copay for my long-term care. My husband offered to contribute more to our monthly bills so that I do not have to be responsible for cutting the full amount of money, but I’ll still need to save some. As such, I’m so delighted that I saved over €100 more than I’d expected during the month of July.

4. My husband and I probably buying a house soon. We placed an offer on it last week and, after some negotiation, reached an agreement on the price. We’ll soon sign the draft agreement and hopefully be house owners by late September or early October.

5. Having gotten through the worst of the heatwave. It was boring at day activities, because I couldn’t go outside. Then again, I made it through and did okay. I made sure to drink enough water. As a side note, my autistic perseveration side does love the weather records that were broken.

6. Peaches. I bought some with my support worker on Thursday. I love summer fruits, but blueberries are too expensive for my budget now.

7. One-on-one time with a support staff at day activities on Friday. She had to return a walker to another day center that they’d been trying out for another client. She offered to take me, so we drove to the other day center, then to a hotel to have a drink at its restaurant. She told me to have something to eat too, so I chose tiramisu. My husband’s tiramisu is better, but still it was a great treat.

8. The weather being slightly cooler now. Like I said, all heat records were broken on Wednesday and Thursday and, though it’s still pretty hot, I’m enjoying the slightly less extreme temperatures now. Mind you, it’s still supposed to have gotten to 30 degrees Celsius today, but it feels almost cold now that my husband just opened my window. (I can’t open or close my window because I can’t reach that far.) Phew!

As you can see, I didn’t get to ten things to be thankful for. I blame this on the heat and my brain melting away. I hope you’ve all been grateful lately.

Friendly Fill-Ins Week #167

Posted on by Astrid

I discovered Friendly Fill-Ins already over a year ago, but rarely joined in. Especially since I stopped using my old PC, it was hard, because I couldn’t copy the questions on my iPhone and my Mac was giving me a pain too. Now I’m trying to get used to my new PC and am learning to write blog posts on it too. It is lovely. Today, I’m joining in with Friendly Fill-Ins week #167. Here are the questions.


  1. If I had ________________, I would _________________________.

  2. ___________________ sparks my creativity.

  3. _________ keeps me up at night.

  4. I only just recently learned _________.

My Answers

1. If I had a lot of money, I would get myself my very own sensory room. My husband has said that, if he ever wins the lottery, he’ll give me my own fully furnished snoezelen® room. Not that he ever plays in the lottery and neither do I. I already have a lot of sensory equipment, but I’m discovering new stuff almost on a daily basis.

2. Discovering writing challenges and journaling prompts sparks my creativity. Not that I’m very creative at all. I always plan to soon write some poem or piece of flash fiction, but I never get to it. I love to freewrite, but somehow, I feel held back in doing so. As such, journaling prompts and writing challenges do help me.

3. The heat keeps me up at night. At least right now. Although I must say, when my husband leaves the house at 5AM and I try to go back to sleep, I often shiver if the fan is still on and the window open.

4. I only just recently learned about what’s involved when you’re buying a house. As regular readers may know, my husband and I saw a house we may want to buy last week. Well, technically my husband saw it, as he visited it right out of work, and I accepted his description at face value. I am not sure I’m allowed to disclose this on my blog, but we reached an agreement with the seller on a price and are now working out the details of the contract. I have no idea about such things as finding a solicitor, getting a mortgage and all that. As a side note, the house is too small for me to have my own room, let alone a sensory room. However, since I’ll hopefully move into a care facility sometime in the not-too-distant future, I’m just hoping I’ll be able to use the facility’s sensory room.

Happy Blogiversary to Me

Posted on by Astrid

Today is my one-year anniversary of creating this blog. I wanted to acknowledge it, since with all my previous blogs, I’ve not really had a blogiversary. After all, I either didn’t keep them for a year, or I switched sites sometime. Like, my original blog gradually emerged from an online diary. Though I remember exactly when I moved it to WordPress, I never considered that day my blogiversary. Blogging Astrid started on Blogger and moved to WordPress three months in. I then deleted my introductory post, because it had references to Blogger in it.

I’m not really one for sticking to a blogging strategy long anyway. I mean, I originally intended this blog to be a diary, but it never got to be one as much. I still seem afraid to be “caught” and to want my posts to be “blog-worthy”. As a result, my posting frequency has significantly decreased.

Today is an incredibly hot day. Temperatures have reached 40 degrees Celsius and at midnight, it’s still supposed to be 30 degrees. Being that I will have to go to bed around 10PM, I’ll most likely be soaring for the rest of the day. Tomorrow is supposed to be just as hot. As such, I do not feel like writing an extensive post to celebrate my blogiversary.

I’m spending the day reading and finding new books to put on my TBR list. I’m also making sure I drink water every hour. Still, the heat can’t pass soon enough if you ask me. Both of my support staff visited me today. I went to the grocery store with my support worker this morning. Thankfully, she had air conditioning in the car and the store was also air-conditioned. With my support coordinator, I just chatted a little. Normally, we go for walks, but that’s just not possible in this heat.

My room is the hottest in the entire house. Still, I like my desk best for a workspace, so I’m not moving my laptop downstairs to write.

I hope you all are keeping calm and as cool as possible.

20 Questions Book Tag

Posted on by Astrid

I found the 20 Questions Book Tag when searching for interesting tags to fill out. I am not that much of a bookaholic, but I love to read a good book every once in a while. And I love talking books!

1. HOW MANY BOOKS ARE TOO MANY FOR A SERIES?
Two. I don’t like reading book series.

2. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT CLIFFHANGERS?
Love to hate them. I always get pretty tense when I find one, but they do keep abook interesting.

3. HARDCOVER OR PAPERBACK?
Neither, as I am blind. Give me an eBook instead. When I used to scan books to read them, I preferred hardcover.

4. FAVOURITE BOOK?
I don’t have one. There are quite a few that stick with me. My favorite genres are YA social issues books and memoirs.

5. LEAST FAVOURITE BOOK?
Lucky Jim by Kingsley Amis. I had to read it for English in high school, but hated it.

6. LOVE TRIANGLES, YES OR NO?
I don’t mind to read about them, but I don’t really consider them a turn-on book-wise either and I wouldn’t want to be in the middle of one.

7. THE MOST RECENT BOOK YOU COULDN’T FINISH?
The Memory of Light by Francisco X. Stork. At least, that’s the most recent one I’ve given up on finishing. I tend to take forever to read some books, so I rarely consider a book unfinishable.

8. A BOOK YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING?
Angels in Our Hearts by Rosie Lewis and Casey Watson.

9. LAST BOOK YOU RECOMMENDED TO SOMEONE?
Same as above, although I haven’t actually finished it.

10. OLDEST BOOK YOU’VE READ BY PUBLICATION DATE?
Wuthering Heights, but I read a simplified version in eighth grade. Other than this one, I guess Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, which was published in 1932.

11. NEWEST BOOK YOU’VE READ BY PUBLICATION DATE?
I’m not sure. I think it was Finding Stevie by Cathy Glass, which was published in February.

12. FAVOURITE AUTHOR?
If non-fiction/memoir authors count (and I’m deciding they do), Cathy Glass. Otherwise, Lisa Genova or Jodi Picoult.

13. BUYING BOOKS OR BORROWING BOOKS?
Both. I buy books on Amazon and borrow them on Bookshare and in the Dutch library for the blind, although rarely there nowadays.

14. A BOOK YOU DISLIKE THAT EVERYONE SEEMS TO LOVE?
Not anything I’ve actually read, but I can’t imagine I’d like the Harry Potter series. No, I haven’t read any of the books.

15. BOOKMARKS OR DOG EARS?
Bookmarks!

16. A BOOK YOU CAN ALWAYS RE-READ?
I rarely reread books, actually.

17. CAN YOU READ WHILE LISTENING TO MUSIC?
No. I can’t do much while listening to music anyway. I used to be able to though as a teen.

18. ONE POV OR MULTIPLE?
I like both, but the books I’ve most enjoyed have multiple.

19. DO YOU READ A BOOK IN ONE SITTING OR OVER MULTIPLE DAYS?
Always over multiple days. I mean, I’m a slow reader, so I can’t ever physically finish a book in one day.

20. WHO DO YOU TAG?
Carol Anne of Therapy Bits
and Emilia of My Inner MishMash. Others are free to consider themslves tagged.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (July 21, 2019)

Posted on by Astrid

It’s Sunday again and, though I have lots of things I want to write about, I cannot seem to get started. I am however enjoying once again joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s lovely to catch up with people who visit my blog each week for this hop.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I’m sweating, even though it’s supposed not to be that very hot here now. Only about 23 degrees Celsius. I guess my room keeps the heat. Next week, the temperatures are supposed to rise to 35 degrees Celsius or more.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I need your prayers, positive thoughts and crossed fingers re our house-hunting journey. We found a house we may want to buy. Yesterday, my husband took me on a tour of the town.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I had a lovely day yesterday at my in-laws’ house. My father-in-law is about to return from his vacation in about an hour, so it was just my husband, me and my mother-in-law. My husband cooked up a tasty dinner of pasta with cheese, minced meat and zucchini. When we returned home, we drove right through a thunderstorm. This was a bit scary.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I’m currently reading Angels in Our Hearts by Rosie Lewis and Casey Watson. I just finished the second story. It is a really good book.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that my husband helped me tidy my room today. We threw out a lot of my soaping stuff that had expired.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share that I’m really wanting to pick up creative writing again, but somehow, I feel stuck.

How was your week and how is your week-end going?

Working On Us Prompt: Suicide and Suicidal Thoughts

Posted on by Astrid

I have lots of things I want to write about, and yet all I do is sit behind my computer and try to figure out which feed reader would be best (or least bad) on my Windows PC. I’ve yet to make a final decision, but I’m frustrated with it for now.

I’m joining in with Beckie’s Working On Us Prompt again. This time, the topic of discussion is suicidal ideation and suicide attempts.

As regular readers of my blog know, I do experience suicidal ideation on a regular basis. I have in fact lived with re-occurring suicidal ideation ever since the age of seven or so. My most severe suicidal break however was in 2007, when I was 21. Ironically, my parents thought that, since I had had suicidal thoughts on and off ever since age seven, I must not be serious and it all must just be “for attention”. Well, let me be very clear on this: suicidal thoughts are no fun and, if they ever happen “for attention”, there probably is a very good reason the sufferer is seeking attention.

I had never attempted suicide when I had my break in 2007. This break too involved “just” threats. However, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t genuinely struggling. I genuinely thought death was my only option. Same when, in 2002, I wrote a goodbye letter but had no idea how to go about actually taking the final step. People commonly say that, if you truly want to end it all, you will and, if a suicide attempt fails, it must not have been serious. That’s not necessarily true. People die from impulsive suicide attempts and people who’ve tried to kill themselves many times and are adamant they want to die, may still be alive.

In 2007, I was hospitalized, because my suicidal ideation was so serious that I needed help for it. That is, because I was suicidal due to be overwhelmed living independently and going to university, it helpd already to be taken out of the situation. That doesn’t mean my suicidal thoughts were gone immediately. That took at least three months and they’ve returned frequently since.

I did not actually get much help overcoming my suicidal thoughts. When I was on the locked unit, I had no therapy and no medication other than PRN oxazepam. I started therapy at the resocialization unit, but it was mostly just supportive.
In 2017, after my discharge from the psychiatric hospital, I made two suicide attempts by overdosing on medication. I am hesitant to call them suicide attempts, because both were impulsive and I’m not sure my intent was to die. I was most definitely depressed though. My suicide attempts were “for attention”, yes, but I had a very valid reason to seek attention.

Losing Myself and Finding Myself (Reena’s Exploration Challenge #96)

Posted on by Astrid

I remember when and where I lost myself. My old self, that is. It was November 2, 2007 at 8:01PM when I stepped onto the bus at Balustrade bus stop in Apeldoorn. I had decided this was it.

I phoned my old support coordinator at the training home. I’d just been told to leave the home’s premises, because according to the on duty staff, I was making them take unwarranted responsibility for me. I had come there in distress and a housemate had offered for me to spend the night with her, so that we had time to find me a new place to stay in the morning.

I wasn’t homeless. That is, I had a roof over my head. In the Netherlands, the word that translates to “homeless” also refers to people who are wasting away in their residence. And I was.

At 8:01PM November 2, I phoned my old support coordinator to tell her I was going to kill myself. I was on the bus and the bus driver and fellow passengers heard me. They called the police and, after a long wait at the police station, I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital in the middle of the night.

At that point, my old self went away. I lost the self that went to college, had plans for working and lived independently.

I’m still not 100% sure who will replace her. When and where I’ll find myself. My new self, that is. I know my old self is gone. Even though I live semi-independently now, I do not have anything close to a “normal” life, whatever that may be. But that’s okay. I know I will ultimately find a new eqwuilibrium, when I’m in a living facility that suits me.

In September of 2006, I wrote a post in my online diary about the two different images I had of myself. One was “white”. This image represented a “normal” life. Living independently, going to university, finding a job, marrying, getting children and whatnot. The other image, the “black” one, represented my need for support. It wasn’t that I needed 24-hour care, but that I needed more than just the once-a-week visit from a support worker to read me my mail that’s normal for people who are just blind.

By April of 2007, I knew the “black” image was coming true, but I was seeing the colors in it. I eventually did live independently and go to college, but I would get sixteen hours of home support a week.

And then that image too died, on November 2. It was hard. I grieved. But I didn’t give up. Gradually, I started to see how colorful a life I can have if I accept care.

The care facilities I’m looking at moving into, couldn’t be closer to the “black” image of myself. They are 24-hour intensive support facilities. Yet I don’t see that life as bad. I see it was exactly as colorful and rich as, or even more so than the “normal” life I envisioned for myself.

I am joining in with Reena’s Exploration Challenge #96.

Progress in Finding Long-Term Care

Posted on by Astrid

It’s been exactly six weeks since I got approved for long-term care, so that we could finally start finding me a supported housing facility. Things are moving slowly but steadily. Today, let me share how we’re doing.

Immediately after we heard I was approved for long-term care funding, my support coordinator contacted the care consultant for my current care agency. She made sure to get the paperwork in order so that, while we’re waiting for supported housing, I can retain my current support. After all, community support through the local authority was immediately stopped. My support coordinator also contacted the care consultant for the living facility in Raalte, which is with my current care agency too.

When it turned out the process with that living facility would be slow-moving, I proposed to contact the two blindness agencies to explore the possibility of my living there. One of them responded immediately with an appointment for an intake interview. This is, unfortunately, the one with the facilities in the far north and south and west of the country. Of course, we are talking the Netherlands, not America. However, my husband isn’t happy to travel up to two hours each week to visit me. We agreed on a maximum distance of one hour. This agency has nothing within an hour’s driving distance. We did however request that they help us by recommending accommodations a future living facility could make for my blindness. They will come by to observe me at day activities next week.

The other blindness agency has my file, but they haven’t yet scheduled an appointment to meet me.

I went to have a look at the facility in Raalte last week. It was great. The staff/client ratio is 1:6 to even at times 1:4 during the day and there is an awake night staff. They also have tons of sensory supplies, including a sensory room, rocking lounger and a bathroom with a tub. I will hear more about whether the psychologist and physician for this facility find me a good fit soon.

Then today I heard about another facility. It is with a countrywide Christian care agency. It is in the city of Ede, which is about a 45-minute drive from my current home. The facility primarily serves elderly people with intellectual disabilities. I don’t know whether that would be a problem. It might be, as the other clients are probably a lot less mobile than I am. Clients only have a bedroom to themselves, but I don’t mind. The care consultant would send my file to the psychologist for this facility too and then I may come for a tour.

It all makes me feel a bit confused but overall excited too. I mean, I still feel off applying to live in intensive support living facilities, being that I now live semi-independently. Of course, my husband does all of the housework, but still. It’s hard to believe that people suddenly aren’t rejecting me, saying I misuse care and leaving me to my own resources.

A Month Without a Laptop

Posted on by Astrid

I am writing this post on my new computer. I love it. Definitely a PC is much more user-friendly than a Mac if you are not too tech-savvy. My mother-in-law would say the opposite, but oh well. I’m just glad I got to sell her my Macbook.

Today, when I read on another blog about someone having to do without a laptop for a few days, I was reminded of the month I spent without a computer. Of course, people older than me will remember the years they spent without a computer and, in fact, I didn’t get my first computer till I was eleven and didn’t have access to the Internet till nearly sixteen. I quickly became addicted though, so when my laptop broke down in 2009, I was lost.

I had at the time just transferred from the locked psych unit to the open resocialization unit. The locked unit didn’t have a patient computer. This got me to consider getting a wireless cellphone-like modem for my laptop. However, at the time, I was too scared of getting Alzheimer’s from electromagnetic radiation. This meant that, in the early months of my hospitalization, before I was allowed on leave, I didn’t have access to the Internet. I had a computer though.

The resocialization unit did have a patient computer that was connected to the Internet. It didn’t have a screen reader on it, of course, but I just removed the network cable from the computer and plugged it into my laptop. And then one day my laptop crashed. This was, obviously, before accessible smartphones. In fact, though I had a phone that could connect to the Internet, I could only use it to make phone calls.

I was frustrated, but not as frustrated as I’d be now if I lost access to the Internet. For an entire month, I typed up my diary in Braille and listened to audio books and magazines on my digital talking book player. I do still have my Braille typerwriter and my digital talking book player, but both are pretty much useless.

Since having no computer for an entire month, I usually make sure I have at least two devices that connect to the Internet. Currently these are my PC and my iPhone. My old PC could probably be revived if need be too.

I also did finally get myself a wireless modem. I just threw it away yesterday, as I’ve not paid f or the data that goes with it in years.

I guess I could technically (no pun intended) deal without going online for a while now. However, I am always very happy to discover that a potential new living faciltiy has WiFi. I guess some people take this for granted, but the psych hospital didn’t have WiFi till 2015 and even then it was very limited.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (July 14, 2019)

Posted on by Astrid

Yay, it’s Sunday! I am once again joining in with the #WeekendCoffeeShare fun. It’s relatively early for me to write this post, so the most recent drink I had was actually coffee. I usually drink only one cup of coffee at breakfast )or lunch, as it was nearly afternoon), but my husband made me a second cup saying it’s good for the heart. I don’t know whether that’s true, but oh well.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that my husband picked up my new Windows laptop on Monday and installed it on Tuesday. The adaptive tech guy came by on Wednesday to bring me a new Braille display and install the JAWS screen reader on my computer, so that I could actually use it. I have been playing with my computer ever since. I hope the tech company will get me training on the screen reader and Windows 10, but even without training, I like this computer much better than my Mac. Right now, my husband is resetting my Mac, so that my mother-in-law can have it. I think I just closed the tab with instructions on it from my iPhone.

My mother-in-law offered to pay more for the Mac than the Windows laptop had cost, but we refused. I don’t want to get extra money from switching computers.

If we were having coffee, I’d also share that I visited the living facility in Raalte that’s with my current care agency on Wednesday. It was great. There’s tons of sensory equipment in both the house and day center. The staff are also really nice. The house they felt was the most suitable for me, has twelve clients living there. There are two staff during the day and an extra staff during times the clients get showered and such. The manager and care consultant were a bit vague about the waiting list to move in, but I hope to hear more about that soon.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that yesterday, my husband had the yearly driver’s day at his work. He is a truck driver for a large transporting company and the driver’s day is sort-of-mandatory. I spent the day at my in-laws. Well, my father-in-law had just left for vacation, so I was alone with my mother-in-law. We went for a walk with her dog. Wow, it was hot and humid! My husband came to my in-laws’ house after a few hours when he’d had enough of the event at work. My mother-in-law cooked us dinner, although she was interrupted to pick up a kitten from the animal shelter. She volunteers to bottle-feed kittns that are too young to be kept at the shelter. The kitten was lovely!

How was your week?