The Wednesday Hodgepodge (May 29, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Sorry, it’s been a while. I’m really in a rut again, but today I’m feeling as though I might slowly be creeping out. I’m joining the Wednesday Hodgepodge today. Okay, I said I was leaving the Christian-based lifestyle blogger crowd, but I think the questions are fun and I don’t swear in my answers (or ever on this blog, really), so what’s the problem? It might be that I’m likely to encounter viewpoints I strongly disagree with among my fellow Hodgepodge’ers. Okay, we’ll see.

1. Growing up, at what age did you think you’d become an adult? At what age did you actually become an adult?
My parents always touted the idea that you were an adult by age 18 and should be able to take care of yourself by that age too. It always scared me though. On my 18th birthday, I wrote in my online diary that I was supposed to be a “fairy woman” now rather than a “fairy child” (my nicname was “Elfenkind”, which translates to “fairy child”).

When did I actually feel like an adult? Well, honestly… still not quite, at 37. When I fill out “life experience” surveys, they always say I have the life experience of someone in my early to mid-20s, in that, though I’m married and my partner and I own a house, I never worked, don’t have a driver’s license (duh), don’t live independently, etc.

2. Your favorite item you’ve bought this year?
My first instinct is to say my current headphones, but these are a recent purchase (like, a few weeks ago). I honestly can’t remember all that many physical items I purchased this year.

3. May 28th is National Hamburger Day…are you a fan? If so, how do you like yours? When was the last time you had a hamburger? Besides the backyard grill, what’s your favorite place to go for a burger?
I’m definitely a fan. My favorite toppings are anything spicy. The last time I had a burger was at Burger King when going to buy my new desk chair about three weeks ago. My favorite place to grab a burger is the local snack corner called Kwalitaria.

4. How have your priorities changed over time?
I have become more self-centered, honestly. This doesn’t mean I don’t think of others, but I do put my own oxygen mask on first, so to speak. When I was younger, up until my early 30s, I pretty much let other people make decisions for me and dictate how I lived my life even when those decisions were rather bad for my health and wellbeing. It’s still a process to unlearn this habit.

5. What’s one thing on your June calendar you’re really looking forward to?
There’s nothing I’m really looking forward to, honestly. It’s my birthday at the end of June, but I’m dreading seeing my parents and sister even more this year than usual. My partner has to work on my birthday, but we’ll likely celebrate over the weekend after it. Okay, wait, one thing I do sort of look forward to: I have plans to make cheesecake for my fellow clients on my birthday, since I’m not going home to my and my spouse’s house that day anyway. I’ll also be treating the entire home to French fries and snacks.

Oh wait again, it doesn’t have to be a special, once-a-year thing you’re looking forward to, and I’m really, really, really looking forward to seeing my spouse on Sunday!

6. Insert your own random thought here.
Finally been claying again. Working on some earrings. They didn’t turn out all that good but oh well.

Experiencing Envy As an Enneagram Type Four

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Lately, I’ve had some real struggles that got me thinking hard about myself. I often want to love myself and that, interestingly, seems to include denying my less than stellar qualities. Then again, if I really want to love myself as I am, that includes accepting my shadow side too.

Today, I am focusing on one of these aspects of myself I’m not so proud of: envy. I’m exploring this from an Enneagram point of view.

As those who’ve read my other Enneagram-based posts know, I’m a type Four. Fours’ core vice is envy. More specifically though, I’m a sexual/one-to-one (SX) type where it comes to instinctual variants. These are not just focused on envy, but on competition.

I don’t necessarily consider myself very competitive in sports or games or whatever. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. However, I realized I’m an SX type when reading the first chapter of The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut and watching some YouTube videos too. I realized I do compete with my fellow clients for care.

Like, I can’t stop claiming that one particular fellow client doesn’t need to deal with temp workers. Whether that’s true, doesn’t even matter to me, as I honestly couldn’t care less about his care. In that sense, I’m not competitive. Oh wait, that’s a lie. I didn’t start competing for care until I met the full-time one-on-one client at the intensive support home, so in this sense, it does matter what others have.

I do also believe envy is part of what got me to decide to enter a forum my spouse is active on recently (I left when my spouse called me out). My intention wasn’t to spy on my spouse, but rather I was envious of the connections my spouse had made through that forum. Never mind that I am on a ton of forums myself and could have developed genuine connections if I just cared to put in the effort. I probably have myself and my being a Four to blame for the fact that I never feel like I belong anywhere. Which makes me think, maybe I really am not an SX type, but a social (SO) type. I do need to look into instinctual variants more.

Reading Wrap-Up (May 20, 2024) #IMWAYR

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I finally have a few ideas for blog posts. Too bad most are Monday themes and it’s already 10PM. Oh well, I could probably join in late with some of them. First, I’ve really been back in a reading groove over the past week, so I thought I’d share what I’ve been reading and am considering reading next. As usual, I’m linking up with #IMWAYR.

First off, let me share that I started being active on both Goodreads and the Storygraph again. I had abandoned them in early 2023 since I was hardly reading anything. I also still feel that Goodreads really, really badly needs a DNF shelf. I mean, the Storygraph’s interface sucks, so it’s probably not something I’m going to use for my everyday reading tracking, but letting unfinished books sit on my currently-reading shelf for years, also sucks. However, it looks unlikely that the big guys at Amazon are ever going to add any new features to Goodreads. Oh well. Let’s get into my reading wrap-up.

What I’m Currently Reading

I’m reading Little Girl Lost by Casey Watson. So far, it doesn’t look as amazing as her other books.

I’m also reading Security Risk (Pelican Bay Security, #1) by Megan Matthews. I picked it pretty randomly after finishing another book on Kindle. I have had this book forever, since it was at one point free (or maybe still is), probably because it’s the first in the series. I’m only 8% in, but I think I like it.

What I Recently Finished Reading

I finally finished Dear Ava by Ilsa Madden-Mills. Have I ever even mentioned reading it? I don’t think so. Anyway, I looked at my Goodreads and saw that I started reading it in June of last year. It’s a bit dark because of the sexual assault theme, but this was actually the thing that got me pulled into the romance thing too. I wasn’t attracted to the explicit love scenes in particular, but there’s a lot more to this story than smut.

This book got me interested in reading the Megan Matthews book, which also falls within the romance genre, although that one is romantic suspense.

What I Think I’ll Read Next

I have absolutely no idea. I’m a total mood reader and can pick up books that I’ve had lying around for months and not forget the story altogether, as with Dear Ava. Maybe that means I don’t need that DNF shelf after all.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (May 18, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. How are you doing? I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare again. It’s nearly 9PM Saturday, so I’ve long had my last cup of coffee for the day. If you’d like, I can offer you a cup of green tea, a glass of soda or some water though. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first as usual I’d talk about the weather. It’s been quite good with daytime temps most days around 22°C, sometimes higher. On Thursday, we did get a thunderstorm, which scares me.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that, as a result, I had no trouble meeting my movement goal on my Apple Watch each day. I went for walks each day. On Thursday, before the thunderstorm, I also actually rode the side-by-side bike for a little in the morning and then we cycled to Colmschate, a neighborhood of Deventer, the nearest city, in the afternoon. In total, I did 25km of cycling according to my Apple Watch. I reached double my movement goal that day.

If we were having coffee, next I’d say that, generally, Thursday was my best day of the week. I finally worked on a polymer clay project once again. The new student staff was being introduced to me so I decided to show her how I make a unicorn. I got distracted by the thunderstorm a lot, so the unicorn didn’t turn out as great as I’d hoped, but oh well.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that the rest of the week was a bit challenging. I’ve been struggling with attachment issues lately. I keep clinging to my “favorites” among the staff. I’ve decided I will discuss this with the behavior specialist when I’m having en appt with her and my mother-in-law on Tuesday, as it really needs to stop for my and the staff’s sake. I mean, I’m allowed to have preferences re staff I get along with, but my anxiety around them abandoning me and the resulting distress isn’t healthy and besides, it might just lead to that exact thing if they feel I’m too clingy.

If we were having coffee, finally I’d share that my spouse and I were trying to figure out ways for seeing each other over the weekend, since due to Pentecost all shops and lunchrooms are closed on Sunday and Monday. I finally came up with the idea of traveling to our house by ParaTransit on Monday. I haven’t been there since Christmas. It should really be cool.

Share Your World (May 13, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining Share Your World. It’s a lovely blog challenge on WordPress where bloggers answer four questions, with an optional gratitude section at the end. Here goes.

1. Have you ever lied about your age?
Not really purposefully lied, but my insiders/alters/parts (I most likely have a dissociative disorder) have different ages from my body age and they’ve sometimes been rather in your face with them, even though we rarely experience full-on amnesia and, as a result, usually know our body’s legal age on some level.

2. Is there any time in your life you would like to relive?
The year 2021 and the first half of 2022. Those were, all things considered, the happiest times of my life. I wish I could go back in time and make one different choice then too, which my regular readers will know: I’d travel back to April of 2022 and undo my decision to ask to move out of the care facility in Raalte.

3. Do you own any antiques?
Not at all.

4. Would you like to know some of the history of places you’ve visited?
Not sure. I did visit the institution museum a few weeks back and that was fun, but I don’t really care for historic buildings or anything.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (May 11, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s been a long week, honestly, so time for a cup of coffee, green tea or a smoothie. Let’s have a drink and let’s catch up.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. It’s been quite warm and sunny most days, with daytime highs around 20°C. Tomorrow, the temperature is even supposed to reach 25°C. The mornings have been cooler though, as it’s not yet July, obviously. Which makes me think, with temperatures like this in May, will we get a soaring hot summer again? Most likely. I love warm weather, but it’s not like I want summertime temps over 35°C.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’ve been walking a fair bit over the past week. I also rode the side-by-side bike yesterday. We finally figured out how to make it so that I can actually push the pedals properly rather than just moving along with the person who’s on the steering side of the bike.

If we were having coffee, I would tell you that, on today’s morning walk, we came by the intensive support home and several clients were calling out to me. I decided to come over and join them in their backyard. Eventually, one of the staff who did work there when I still lived there, joined us and offered me a cup of coffee. I think that’s nice!

If we were having coffee, I’d share that, finally, it looks like my orthopedic shoes are actually good to wear. The last adjustment was to the front, which scratches the ground due to my ever-worsening drop foot, causing the shoe to need repairing almost on a weekly basis. Now, it’s not like it doesn’t still scratch the ground and get damaged, but not nearly as much as it used to. And the big positive: I can actually wear these shoes without getting blisters. Like, okay, that’s normal, but I only used to be able to wear my specific brand of walking shoes and I’d get blisters from everything else, including every pair of orthopedic shoes I’ve tried before. I have actually been wearing these shoes most of the day for the past few days without a problem.

If we were having coffee, I’d report that, speaking of my drop foot, the physical therapist has been here. We went for a 20-minute walk, during which I didn’t walk with a drop foot as much as before, thankfully. It hasn’t had me convinced that my mobility isn’t worsening, but at least it isn’t as bad as I’d feared. I mean, it could just be normal aging with mild cerebral palsy.

If we were having coffee, I would share that I bought yet another pair of new headphones. Originally, I wasn’t intending on giving up on my AirPods, but because they keep losing connectivity to my computer, I needed headphones that come with a wired option. Well, guess what? The wired option for the JBL Tune 770NC headphones isn’t all that awesome, but the headphones don’t lose connection to my computer when connected via Bluetooth. Besides, it can be connected to both my iPhone and computer at the same time. How I wish I’d known about these before buying the AirPods, that were literally three times the price of these headphones.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I also finally replaced my desk chair. I got a gaming chair. That’s the reason I have been wearing my orthopedic shoes all day: the chair is too high for me to sit on without shoes on. Other than that though, it’s much better than my previous chair.

I also ordered a table and two chairs for in my little backyard. These weren’t in stock at the store I went to, so I’ll have to come back to collect them. While at that store, I saw a really cute unicorn soft toy and just had to get it.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d admit that I have been struggling with my mental health again and, as a result, haven’t been too inspired in the creative department recently. I do really hope to get back into the groove soon. I did, last week, buy some kitchen tools, like measuring spoons and a sugar/flour sieve. I’ve only used the measuring spoons for smoothie making so far, but that’s a start at least.

I Am Myself (For Real This Time!)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I haven’t blogged in over a week and it’s not for lack of wanting to, but for lack of feeling like I belong anywhere within the blogosphere. I have myself to blame, having tried to fit in simultaneously with the traditional lifestyle blogger crowd, most of who are Christian, and the more open-minded if not secular community that is mostly on WordPress. I have always had to sacrifice part of myself in order to belong with the lifestyle crowd. That’s, of course, the essence of the Christian faith and one big reason I now seriously proclaim I’m no longer pretending to be a Christian. I’m not. I am spiritual, but I choose my own path.

I mean, I could of course quote Bobby Schuller, who is big on belonging before you “behave”. However, at the end of the day, he too condemns everyone who doesn’t ultimately “behave”. And I never “behaved”. For one thing, my first crush was a girl. For another, I didn’t live with my spouse for the first six years of our marriage and not ever since 2019 either. For yet another, we don’t have kids and that’s 100% by choice. In short, I refuse to be bound by the rigid standards of sexual and gender roles that traditional “family values” impose on me. I honestly don’t care about being a “good” woman in God’s eyes. I’m done with sacrificing part of me just so I belong. Maybe along the way I’ll discover who I “myself” even am.

Vignettes About Unicorns

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining Writer’s Workshop. One of the prompts is to share at least five moments of your life (not events, but merely vignettes) that are somehow related. I, for some reason, was immediately drawn to the theme of unicorns. Let’s see what I can come up with.

1. I remember having a unicorn My Little Pony figurine as a child. In fact, that’s a lie, as I think it was my sister’s, but I loved her anyway. In my memory, she was light purple, but I could’ve misremembered that, since my favorite color is lilac.

2. Last October (I think), I got a unicorn soft toy from my spouse as a thank-you gift for my support throughout our relationship and particularly over the past several months.

3. The other two unicorn soft toys on my bed, I bought at the fall fair here on institution grounds last October too.

4. Which reminds me, I have a lonely unicorn soft toy sitting in the soft toy cabinet. I got that one for Christmas at the last day center I attended while living with my spouse.

5. Oh wait, no, I have another unicorn soft toy in the cabinet. I got that one when leaving the care facility in Raalte for the intensive support home. Oh, how I miss being in Raalte still.

6. Now enough with the soft toys. The first unicorn I created, in July of 2021, I did entirely from a YouTube tutorial. I gave it to my spouse, who probably still has it.

7. I remember crafting my first unicorn at the intensive support home with my assigned staff. It didn’t turn out as good as I’d liked, but it was okay.

8. I gifted her my best unicorn I created while there when I left. Too bad she ignores me now…

9. When I left the intensive support home, I gifted each of my fellow residents a small cutter-created polymer clay unicorn.

10. I used for it a cutter I’d gotten for my birthday last year from my parents. My spouse had also gifted me unicorn-themed cutters at some point, which I originally intended to use.

11. I read my first unicorn-themed book a few years ago. That is, I probably read some in childhood too but not sure since they weren’t as popular as they are now. The book was a short picture book called First Day of Unicorn School.

12. My current unicorn-related read is the second book in the Unicorn Academy series by Julie Sykes. Oh wait, that’s not exactly a memory I’m sharing…

13. I can’t remember when I started calling my spouse “head unicorn catcher”. The reason is the fact that my spouse’s truck route is named after a city which has the unicorn as its symbol. Oh wait, that wasn’t really a memory either.

But I got to thirteen. So I’m allowed to share this post with Thursday Thirteen too. So if my post doesn’t meet the criteria for Writer’s Workshop, at least it meets the criteria for that.