I’m a Four! #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (#SoCS) is to pick a number and write on it. The thing that came to mind, after some thought, was the Enneagram. I’m a Four. I used to think, back when I was growing up, that I was a Five. Fours are typed as the Individualist. Fives are the Investigator.

Though the numbers are next to each other, they belong to different triads in several respects. For instance, Fours belong to the heart center, deriving their primary motivations from their emotions. Fives belong to the head center, being primarily rationally-focused.

I am a Four with a strong Five wing though. The wings explain what way you lean when relating to the types next to you on the ‘gram.

Then there are instinctual variants. I am probably a social or sexual Four. That sexual instinctual variant says nothing about sex drive, for clarity’s sake. It is sometimes more accurately termed the one-on-one instinctual variant. Honestly, I’m pretty sure that, much as I hate to admit it, I’m a sexual Four. These are generally very difficult people. I have yet to hear someone describe this instinctual variant in a positive light. Or the Four in general, for that matter.

Still, I feel pretty good about being a Four. This is probably because I often associate with being “special” and may identify with suffering a bit too much. That’s typical Four behavior though.

Goodbye to Yet Another Social Networking Site? #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (#SoCS) is “site/sight”. I was immediately reminded of the Reddit blackout. For those not on Reddit, this was started in the blindness subreddit (or so I believe) as a protest to third-party apps to access Reddit being charged enormous fees in order to use Reddit’s API. This would, or so I’m led to believe, essentially render third-party Reddit clients unable to continue as of July 1.

What does blindness or sight have to do with this? Well, the Reddit app is particularly inaccessible with VoiceOver, unlike some third-party apps. While the Reddit site is slightly more useable than its mobile app, it’s still not fully accessible. The fact that third-party apps will most likely be going out of business as of July 1, means that those without sight will no longer be able to access the Reddit app.

While R/Blind is back online, many subreddits are protesting indefinitely by having gone private and disabled posting. This gives me the idea that more is at stake than just the blind community.

I joined Reddit less than three months ago, but I’m pretty sure I’ll have to let go of yet another social networking platform. Oh wait, I can technically still use Twitter and Instagram and Facebook, the latter of which I do still use for its groups, but I prefer not to. I’m glad I still have WordPress, although I wonder for how long.

Don’t Leave Me Alone! #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

I am one of those autistic people who doesn’t like to be left alone. That is, I do need a significant amount of alone time, but it has to be on my terms. That might seem weird or normal, I don’t even know. I mean, I’m used to it being seen as weird here at the care home. Staff see it as a sign that I crave attention somehow. Which, even if it were true, well, attention is a normal human need.

I am not sure where I’m headed with this post, but I often feel like a fake autistic for feeling like I don’t want or need to be left alone when I’m in distress. Probably because my former psychologist at the psychiatric hospital used it as a reason to diagnose me with dependent personality disorder. Which I might have after all, I’m not sure. Then again, the treatment for that isn’t to leave someone to their own resources just like that.

I often have this statement in my head: “Don’t leave me alone!” It is cried out, in my head, by a child’s voice. I am pretty sure it is from a book and in Dutch, it sounds different, but I’m writing it like this here for the purposes of this post. Don’t leave me alone. Never leave me alone. Well, people always will. That’s life.

This post was written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday for this week. The prompt is “left alone”.

Chasing Perfection? #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

Whenever I think of how bad I feel about my current care home situation, I am reminded of two seemingly contradictory statements from my staff. One is that I think every place is horrible anyway. The other is that I had “gold in my hands” at my old home. These seem contradictory, but really aren’t. They are two sides of the same coin: I am thought of as chasing perfection.

There may be some truth to this idea indeed, but that doesn’t negate the fact that one can learn and this place is definitely bad. It isn’t like I just need to accept what I have now just because I can’t have it all. Besides, if people – the powers-that-be, such as the behavior specialists – just had been honest with me about the fact that, indeed, to live with people of higher IQ would mean more expectations and less support, I’d have declined to move. That was, after all, the comment I put at the bottom of my “housing profile”.

And it isn’t like I chase perfection everywhere. Or honestly that I thought, at the end of the day, that this place would be perfect. Yes, when I read the home’s profile on the website, I thought it’d be, but that leaflet is either outdated or simply incorrect. But when the behavior specialist for my old home explained some things about the home, I did realize it wasn’t perfect. Same when I visited here twice. But then again, perfection doesn’t exist. And I was willing to make some sacrifices to live on institution grounds and have fellow residents I could chat with. But not everything I had: all the daily structure, all the useful day activities, all the proper help with ADLs and, interestingly, behavioral regulation too. Because, despite the fact that this home is an intensive support home, which means the residents have significant challenging behavior, whereas my old home was a care-based home, I see more people managing huge wildfires of escalating behavior without realizing the proverbial cigarettes they’ve thrown onto the ground themself.

This post was inspired by today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday: “perfection”. I am sorry for being repetitive yet again. This whole care home situation is getting old, but I wish that meant I’d actually adjusted to it. I’m not sure I ever will.

Meh #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all. Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (#SoCS) is “me”. We’re supposed to either use the word as it is or find a word that starts with “me”. The first word that came to mind somehow was “meh”. And how fitting! I am sick to my stomach again. I will spare you the details but it’s not pleasant. And I’m supposed to write lots of things, as it’s the start of #31Days2022 and Blogtober and all. Oh well.

Last Tuesday when I was sick too, it lasted only a couple of hours, so I am hoping it will go away by the evening. That way, I could write a proper post once my one-on-one leaves at 8PM. That’s of course not the main reason I want my sickly feeling to go away. I mean, if I remain sick until Wednesday, will I be able to move that day?

Of course, I’m hoping I won’t give my sickness to anyone else either. I’m not running a temperature, thankfully. My husband thinks it’s food poisoning. My staff think it’s stress. I hope in any case it will leave my body soon (and not in the way it’s leaving my body now, honestly). Oh wait, that’s a bit TMI. Oh, see, writing it down either helps or it’s indeed getting better. Let’s hope.

My New Home? #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

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Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (#SoCS) is “home”. How timely! As those who’ve read my blog over the past week or so will know, I may move to another care home in a week and a half. The choice is up to me.

It is indeed the first home that wants me, like when I applied for long-term care and landed here. Well, no, in that sense it isn’t the first. My current care home isn’t kicking me out, after all. If I don’t want to move to the prospective new home, if I don’t think it’ll feel like home to me eventually, I don’t need to.

It feels liberating to be able to make this choice. I have been able to ask quite critical questions, some of which were answered already and some of which I’m waiting on being answered soon. For one thing, I want to know about the staff/client ratio. This is important should my one-on-one ever be reduced, but also for those times when I don’t have one-on-one support. The support coordinator told me there are three staff each shift, but I’m not sure that’s just for my group of eight or for the entire home, consisting of two of these groups. I so far only saw my group’s home and that’s quite large already, so if the three staff are for the two groups of eight, that’s going to be quite difficult for me.

Other questions have been of lesser importance, such as whether they serve decaf coffee or the regular kind, whether we need to pay for treats such as chips on weekends, etc. I feel quite satisfied with most answers and am pretty positive I’m going to make the move. With my visit on Monday in addition to last Wednesday’s, I should be able to make an informed decision about whether this will be my new home.

Unicorns, Of Course! #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

Unicorns are my favorite mythical creatures. When I saw that this week’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is “U” – to start your post with a word beginning with the letter “U” -, I of course had to go with “unicorn”.

Not that I know much about the origins or meanings of unicorns. I mean, I love reading chapter books about them, in which they are always described as having magical powers. For example, in the Branches Books early chapter book Bo’s Magical New Friend, a unicorn tries to help discover her friend’s power. In a chapter book for slightly more advanced readers, Twilight, Say Cheese! by Daisy Sunshine, a unicorn has trouble containing her power of invisibility.

In addition to books, I love stuffed unicorns. I have two. One is Sophie/Rainbow, who has two names because two of my blog readers independently came up with names for her. She is a white unicorn with rainbow-colored mane. The other is completely white and I call her Snowflake.

I also love crafting unicorns out of polymer clay, though I haven’t done it much lately because I haven’t found a way to prevent the thing it stands on from bending and/or developing air bubbles. I do really want to create another unicorn soon, but am too busy with the presents for various people to get to that one. I already have the colors I want to use for my next polymer clay unicorn though. It will be three different intensity levels of a bright green.

The Future Is Not Clear #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

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Exactly a month ago, I made the decision to start the process of looking for another care facility to live in long-term. I felt, at the time, that it’d take at least two years before I would’ve found a place and I was fine with that. Now, though I am still fine with the fact that it might take years before I’ve found the near-perfect place, my forever home as it were (oh boy, that sounds like the afterlife to me, haha), the path inbetween not being clear, doesn’t sit right with me.

I like to have control. I don’t like to have made my wishes clear and then not hear from the care consultant for months until he’s heard from an agency or something and they want to meet me. I don’t like the fact that a lot might’ve been discussed by those agencies with my behavior specialist or the care consultant or whatever without me knowing anything about it. That feels too vague. Besides, it feels as though I have no influence over it. Which may or may not be true.

In this sense, the fact that I’m intelligent, works both for and against me. My fellow residents, who have severe to profound intellectual disability, don’t even know anything about such big decisions. Yesterday, the least intellectually disabled of them moved rooms and he seemed to have had little say in the matter. That sounds very scary to me. I want to have a say. Yet if I can’t, and things are made clear at my level of understanding, as they were with him, then maybe it’d be easier.

Now, I do intellectually understand a concept like two years or more, but emotionally, it’s very hard to grasp. I wish the future were more tangible in this sense.

This post was written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (#SoCS), for which the prompt today is “clear”.

Unconsciously Incompetent #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

When I was in college studying applied psychology (it was really an orientation year to Bachelor’s of social work or related fields), my tutor had an interesting theory about how we learn by first being unconsciously incompetent. Then we move on to being consciously incompetent, by which she meant we are aware of our lack of knowledge and skill. Then, after years of college, we move on to being consciously competent. Once being experienced in the workforce, we then become unconsciously competent, which means we no longer need to be aware of our competence, since it’s become muscle memory.

I reached the stage of conscious incompetence when my tutor told me flat out that she was passing me for communication skills only if I promised never to enter the field of social work, psychology or any related field of study or work again. Thankfully, I was aware that my communication skills exam had really gone badly just before she told me, so I didn’t just need to be dragged into conscious incompetence.

I think I might need a similar experience with macrame. I started practising on Thursday and, though I managed the square knot, spiral knot and lark’s head knot quite easily eventually, I am pretty sure I’m still unconsciously incompetent. In other words, my work is horribly ugly but I think it will do.

The only thing is, because I sort of know I might never reach the stage of even conscious competence, I am too scared to show my work online for judgment. After all, as much as I am self-conscious about it, I also would really like this to work out!

Similarly, though I knew before that horribly messed-up communication skills exam at least on some subconscious level that I’m not suited to become a social worker or psychologist, I wanted to be one. That’s probably why I went into linguistics, which, though it isn’t necessarily within the helping profession, is still a communicative field of study. I only went into it to have a student psychologist tell a newspaper that “a blind autistic who wants to study something communicative” is going to have a pretty hard time of it, when they were promoting their autism buddy program. That pretty much sent me into conscious incompetence as soon as I read it, which thankfully was six weeks into the academic year. I guess that’s what happened the time the first person to comment on my question about macrame told me it would be really hard too. Only that’s before I’d started. I’m not sure that’s conscious incompetence though. It looks rather like low self-esteem.

This post was written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday, with the prompt of a word containing “Comp”.

Allowed to Rest #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

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Like I’ve said multiple times over the past week, I’m self-isolating with COVID right now. Today is day four of my five-day mandatory quarantine. I have taken each day as an opportunity to stay in pajamas, because I didn’t feel like getting dressed now that I wasn’t allowed to leave my room anyway. That being said, taking my much-needed rest, has been more of a struggle.

Both on Wednesday and this morning, I was up in the middle of the night really, or early morning, depending on your perspective. On Wednesday, I was up by 3AM and couldn’t sleep. Today, I could stay in bed till 4AM. The other nights, I managed to sleep for at least ten hours, sometimes twelve.

It isn’t that I’m not tired, really. Or maybe I’m not, but it does feel kind of like I am. However, my brain won’t shut off. It’s like my body is exhausted and in need of rest, but my mind continues to tell it to carry on. It isn’t even my brain. Well, you know, my mind is in my brain too, but I mean, it isn’t that I’m not cognitively tired too. But I keep beating myself up over it.

Then again, if I can allow myself not to get dressed, why can’t I allow myself to lie in bed and sleep this whole thing off? I can’t force myself to sleep, of course, but I can try to get some rest. Instead, I’m writing this mindless blog post. Thanks for reading! I’m allowed to rest now. Or read what the rest of you have to say.

This post was written for Stream of Consciousness Saturday, For which the prompt today is “Rest”. I just realized that, in my second-last sentence, “you” is a better fit than “I”, but editing is against the rules. Oh well.