Enneagram: I’m a Type Four! #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Oh well, once again I’m late, extremely late to the party. For today’s post in the #AtoZChallenge, I thought I’d muse about the Enneagram.

The Enneagram, for those not aware, is a spiritually-based personality typing system consisting of nine different types. They are all interconnected in various ways. I, for instance, am a type Four (“the Individualist”), but I do share traits with both type Three (“the Achiever”) and type Five (“the Observer”). My Five wing, though, is strongest.

I’m getting ahead of myself though. What’s a Four, exactly? Fours’ core vice is envy. Fours’ core motivation is to express themselves and be understood as the unique individuals they are. Their core fear is not having an identity or significance. As a result, Fours are self-absorbed, emotional yet creative and empathetic.

When in distress, a Four will move closer to resemble the bad qualities of a type Two (“the Helper”) and become clingy. When feeling particularly well though, a Four will move closer to exhibiting the positive qualities of a type One (“the Perfectionist”) by being more objective and principled.

I will illustrate this using an example from my own life. I am often envious of people I perceive to have better quality of care than me. When I’m my normal self, I feel this envy but can keep it at bay. When distressed though, I show it more and become extra clingy to my staff. On the other hand, when I’m feeling well, I can more objectively view that no, in fact, no-one is receiving optimal care.

At its worst, Fours are called “Defectives”, because they experience their own pain so deeply. I wrote about this last January. I really do hope that, over time, I will grow into a healthier Four. Like I may’ve said then too, the healthiest version of the Four is the “Appreciator”. This makes sense, in that Fours (at least, healthy Fours) experience positive emotions and artistic and natural beauty at a deep level too.

Lovin’ Lately (January 5, 2024) #FridayFavorites

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I haven’t shared the things I loved recently in a while, so I thought today it would be fun to do so. As usual, I’m linking up with Friday Favorites.

1. My new clay extruder. I got the Makin’s Professional® stainless steel one. It’s a lot sturdier than my previous extruder, which I managed to damage within weeks of getting it. I only got the new one yesterday, so am still learning to use the extruder. For this reason, I haven’t really made anything using it yet.

2. Cernit polymer clay. This is a new to me brand of polymer clay and I haven’t yet made anything out of it either, but I’m loving all the beautiful colors it comes in.

3. The book The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut. Okay, this one I’ve had for a few weeks already, but I really like it and, since I haven’t done a list of my favorite things in a few months, I think I can still mention it. It really helps explain not just the Enneagram types, but also the instinctual variants.

4. The book Feelings First Shadow Work by Benjy Sherer. The author advertised the book in one of the personal growth groups on Facebook I belong to, saying something about what if, say, your leg hurts because of a baseball hitting it ten years ago and you kept going to the field to chase that baseball down. That, he claims, is what most people do when they start doing shadow work: focusing their minds on details of past traumas rather than truly feeling their current feelings and processing those. I cannot articulate what the author said nearly as well as he could, but his words were spot on. Another appealing factor about the book is the fact that it has journaling promts. Then came the big bummer: we’re instructed to read the entire book first before jumping to the journal prompts. Having the short attention span that I do, I’ve only just started the book, but it so far seems quite cool.

5. A huge chocolate Christmas tree. Unfortunately for you (or maybe fortunately as I’d just make your mouths water), I’ve already eaten part of it, so I cannot take a picture. I got it from a temp worker on Wednesday when we strolled down to the town’s bakery to buy some apple-filled pastries called “appelflappen” for the two of us and the thing stared at her. She said she gave it to me as I was her first client of 2024. How lovely!

No Longer Defective #Bloganuary

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s daily prompt for #Bloganuary is to share about your biggest challenges. At one point, I believe I wrote on this blog that my biggest challenge ever is my poor distress tolerance. Right now, I’d like to take it to a deeper level and say that my two biggest challenges are basic mistrust and a sense of being defective. I think the sense of being defective is even worse. This stems from my being an Enneagram type Four – or my being a Four is a result of my sense of defectiveness. In fact, the most distressed Fours are called “Defectives”. The healthiest are called “Appreciators”.

Being an externally-oriented Four – I’m undecided as to whether my instinctual variant is Social or Sexual -, I commonly blame others, be they in my past or present, for my sense of defectiveness. Now it is true that my parents commonly alternated between idealizing and devaluing me, that I was severely bullied in school and that I suffered numerous other traumas. That’s an explanation. It’s not an excuse.

There’s a thing I forgot to list when writing my not-quite-resolutions for 2024 earlier today: to work on personal growth more. I mean, honestly, I’m pretty stable where it comes to the most severe of (C-)PTSD symptoms. I do still get nightmares and flashbacks, but they do not ruin my day nearly everyday. Rather, my main issues are probably clinically classified as personality disorder symptoms, shameful as that feels to me to admit. I may or may not need a therapist to work on those, and if I do need one, I may or may not be able to find one. I can, however, work on exploring my issues on my own. I want to stop seeing myself as defective and start moving towards becoming the appreciator I know I can be.

I’m a Four! #SoCS

Posted on by Astrid

Today’s prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday (#SoCS) is to pick a number and write on it. The thing that came to mind, after some thought, was the Enneagram. I’m a Four. I used to think, back when I was growing up, that I was a Five. Fours are typed as the Individualist. Fives are the Investigator.

Though the numbers are next to each other, they belong to different triads in several respects. For instance, Fours belong to the heart center, deriving their primary motivations from their emotions. Fives belong to the head center, being primarily rationally-focused.

I am a Four with a strong Five wing though. The wings explain what way you lean when relating to the types next to you on the ‘gram.

Then there are instinctual variants. I am probably a social or sexual Four. That sexual instinctual variant says nothing about sex drive, for clarity’s sake. It is sometimes more accurately termed the one-on-one instinctual variant. Honestly, I’m pretty sure that, much as I hate to admit it, I’m a sexual Four. These are generally very difficult people. I have yet to hear someone describe this instinctual variant in a positive light. Or the Four in general, for that matter.

Still, I feel pretty good about being a Four. This is probably because I often associate with being “special” and may identify with suffering a bit too much. That’s typical Four behavior though.

Lovin’ Lately (July 14, 2023)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. It’s been forever, probably years, since I shared a compilation of my favorite things. With my birthday just over two weeks ago and all the lovely presents I got, I thought it’s about time. I also discovered some other lovely things. Here goes. I am joining in with Friday Favorites.

1. Lots of polymer clay. Plus some lovely cutters to use with it. I got twelve small, one-ounce blocks of Fimo from my spouse, as well as four two-ounce blocks of Premo and a large block of white Premo. I already opened the Premo in the color 18k gold. Unfortunately, the pieces I created using it, were ruined in the oven.

From my parents, I got a box full of 24 small packets of a budget brand of polymer clay. I also got several cutters. One of them was a unicorn and I’ve really been loving creating pendants using it. Here is the first one, done using the budget brand polymer clay. I was convinced I’d used lilac clay, but it’s clearly blue and that’s not because the clay changed color in the oven. Apparently my staff with whom I did the pendant is slightly color blind.

2. Beads. I got some lovely glass beads from my mother-in-law. Some of them are in the shape of animals, such as butterflies, pigs and ladybugs. My spouse uses the ladybug emoji as a nickname (nick-emoji?) for me, so these are extra fitting.

3. Podcasts. Because as of iOS 16.5, my Braille display freezes when using book apps, including the default iPhone one, I’ve had to find other ways to occupy myself. I started looking at podcasts. A favorite is the Enneagram & Coffee podcast. I especially loved the episode on attachment theory and the Enneagram, which I listened to just a day or two after writing my post on attachment issues last Sunday. I was right to think most Enneagram type Fours lean towards anxious attachment. So do I.

4. My new nightgowns. I bought them at Hema, a department store my spouse and I visit almost each week we’re in Apeldoorn, a few weeks ago. Both of them are so comfy and they look good too.

5. White chocolate peanut rocks. Not sure if these exist in the English-speaking world too, but peanut rocks are basically chunks of chocolate filled with peanuts. They usually come in dark and milk chocolate varieties, but I’d never seen them in white chocolate form. Until last week, that is. Since my favorite type of chocolate is white chocolate (and yes, I know chocoholics say white chocolate isn’t real chocolate), I just had to buy them. And oh boy, are they delish!

What have you been lovin’ lately?

How My Attachment Style Affects My Decision-Making

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I have been contemplating my decision to move to my current care home from the previous one a lot lately. My assigned staff often asks me whether I might be a little too critical, because my old care home offered near-perfect supports and yet I wanted to leave. Indeed, it could be this is a factor. I’m an Enneagram type 4, after all, always looking for that elusive ideal.

However, I am also insecurely attached. Attachment is formed in early childhood between the infant/toddler and their primary caretaker. When there is frequent disruption in this attachment and/or the caretaker isn’t a safe person for the child (as in the cases of neglect or abuse), this attachment doesn’t form or forms insecurely. This then will lead to problems later in life with relationships, both romantic and otherwise.

The different attachment styles described differ per professional, but I primarily score as anxious-preoccupied. This means that I am essentially looking for close connections to people, be they my romantic partner or otherwise, but also intensely fear them abandoning me. I also relate strongly to the ambivalent attachment style, which is essentially a mix between avoidance and preoccupation. This would explain why I push people away when I sense they might be abandoning me.

This is where my decision to move out of my old care home comes in. Starting at the end of 2021, half the team of my old care home left their positions, including some staff I could get along with really well. I remember, shortly before making the decision to ask my assigned staff to involve the behavior specialist in finding me a new home, E-mailing that same assigned staff. The contents of the E-mail were rather, well, needy. I expressed the fact that I knew none of the staff currently working at my home could guarantee they’d remain with me for months, let alone years to come. I probably even mentioned my spouse, who, though we have zero intention of divorcing ever, might leave me eventually. That’s life. No-one can predict the future. And honestly, it kind of sucks.

Though my then assigned staff assured me my E-mail had nothing to do with it, she did indeed quit her job several months later. However, the fact that the team as it was when I got my one-on-one support funding, had pretty much fallen apart, gave me the impression I didn’t need to stay for the team. And since otherwise the home wasn’t suitable for me – because the other clients couldn’t speak and needed far more physical care than I did -, I started the search for a more suitable home. Which, as regular readers of this blog will know, I didn’t find. I mean, yes, my fellow clients can speak, but the support approach is very different and not in a good way from what I got at my old home.

My attachment style also means I often come across as very trusting, because I at least initially accept everyone into my life because I have such an intense fear of aloneness. This is often misjudged to be a sign of secure attachment. In fact, recently a relatively new staff tried to get me to join him on a car trip to get food for just the staff during my designated activity time. I felt kind of lured, because I didn’t want to but he was like “it’s fun, I’ll buy you a treat too” and then I didn’t feel comfortable refusing anymore. This should’ve been a big no-go had this person not been a staff member, but since he’s a staff member it was okay, according to one of the other staff I talked this over with. What this staff didn’t realize is that I’ve had previous experiences of risky encounters with men and a history of being a victim of sexual violation too. And, though of course my easily accepting others isn’t to blame for any victimization (that would be victim blaming), it is important to realize I don’t distinguish between those in a position to help me and those who aren’t, like that staff person believed.

How I’ve Focused My Attention and Energy on What Is Missing As an Enneagram Type Four

Posted on by Astrid

I’ve been meaning to write more, seriously. There’s a lot on my mind, but somehow I can’t find the words to express myself. To get started, I chose a prompt from the Enneagram-based journaling prompts book I own for my type. As those who’ve read about me and the Enneagram before will know, I’m a type Four or the “romantic individualist”. The first prompt for my type in this book asks me how I’ve focused my attention and energy on what is missing.

On the surface, this seems to resonate with me, in that I’m always looking to improve my situation even when I’m relatively content. I don’t mean right now – right now I’m far from relatively content. However, back when I was in my former care home, honestly I had it pretty good and even so I was focusing on what was missing. In that case, this was, among other things, a sheltered institution environment. I badly wanted to live on institution grounds and completely lost sight of what I would lose if I took the leap to move here. And that was a lot.

In a sense, focusing on what’s missing isn’t necessarily bad. It allows a person to consider steps to improve their life. For instance, something I’ve often missed is to be a more contributing participant in my care home. Today, my assigned staff and I were discussing my birthday and I mentioned wanting to help cook the meal one of the weekend days (the staff only cook homemade meals on weekends now) around my birthday. She told me this doesn’t need to wait till my birthday and we now have a plan for me to help cook köfte for the home next week.

Often, in this sense, a wish to improve my life starts with something I’m missing. At other times, it starts the other way around, with an impulsive idea to buy something only for me to realize later on that something I feel I’m lacking in is underneath this impulsive idea. An example is my former assigned staff at my old care home having mentioned the idea of me getting a mini fridge. I got all excited, started thinking up ideas, but eventually it turned out I was missing certain supports.

As an Enneagram type Four, I am always longing for something. In this respect, the idea that I’m “always dissatisfied”, as my staff think, is sort of correct. That doesn’t mean I need to settle for something that’s absolutely unsuitable, like my current care home, though. Yes, I took the leap, but that doesn’t in itself mean I am forever stuck here. I am hoping that, if I ever find a place to live that is slightly less unsuitable than my current care home, I can stop chasing the ideal and start embracing what’s missing as an opportunity for growth in myself as much as for improvement in the situation.

Linking up with #PoCoLO and #SpreadTheKindness.

Annoying Things Enneagram Type Fours Do and Say

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I badly want to write, but am feeling a bit melancholic and yet not interested in writing a long navel-gazing post. Instead, I am going to reflect on the annoying things enneagram type Fours say and do. I saw this video a couple of weeks ago on YouTube. Watch it too if you’d like.

1. Fours are prone to melancholy. Oh, wait, I just said that. It can indeed turn to melodrama if it lasts too long, with me crying for no apparent reason or dwelling on negativity forever.

2. Fours struggle with dissatisfaction in their lives. The YouTuber here says that in relationships this can particularly be an issue, because Fours keep looking for the ideal soulmate that probably just doesn’t exist. I have never looked beyond my husband for a better, more perfect partner. Maybe this means my husband already is my perfect soulmate. Still, I can relate to this thing, as I always look to improve my life by improving my external circumstances rather than myself.

3. Envy. Yes, so yes. I always envy people who live in better external circumstances than me. I don’t tend to show it outwardly towards the person I’m envious of, but it’s there nonetheless.

4. Manipulativeness. Well, uhm, yes. I just told my nurse practitioner on Monday about a recent situation in which I was acting confused, but it was probably manipulation. I will go a long way to maintain relationships.

5. Fours may disappear and go radio silent for days. This is the only one out of this list I cannot relate to. In fact, though I do really try to push some people away by running off or ignoring them, this rarely lasts longer than an hour or so.

6. Fours have a hard time being around overly happy people. Or just generally people who are happier than me, in my case. I can’t stand people trying to distract me when I’m down and I usually can’t stand overly cheery people at all. I blame sensory overload, but maybe that’s not entirely true.

7. Fours want to be seen as special or different. Well, duh! I always look for ways to stand out, be it positively or negatively (usually the latter, honestly). In this sense, my parents were probably right when they told my psychiatrist that I’d been looking for ways in which I was different (other than blindness) ever since childhood. Honestly, though I do see the annoying aspects of the other things listed above, I don’t even fully see how this one is annoying. Well, maybe it can be seen as us Fours putting ourselves above everyone else. I’m not sure.

An Engaging Wednesday

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I originally wanted to title this post a “creative”, then “inspired” Wednesday. Both fit, in a way, but neither fully captures the essence of today. Not that “engaging” does, but I ran out of adjectives to think of. I spent the day crafting and watching personal growth YouTube videos and that’s what I want to talk about. Oh, I could just have written “A day spent crafting and watching YouTube videos” as my post title. Then again, that’s too long.

In the morning, I finished a YouTube video in which an enneagram geek talked about annoying things type Fours say and do, then watched another of her videos about things to know before dating an Eight. No, I’m not looking to find another lover. My husband is an Eight and I just thought it funny to learn about all the stupid mistakes I’d made all along. Of course, I could just listen to my husband (that’s the first tip!).

Re the other video, I may write a separate blog post listing all the ways in which I relate to all these annoying things Fours do and say. And yes, I related completely to all but one of them.

Then, when my day activities started, I had my morning coffee, then went for a short walk while it was still cool enough outside. My orthopedic shoes arrived yesterday and I can now actually walk on them without any pain. I won’t get my hopes up, because I have been saying all along that they won’t be ready until 2034 and that’s exactly when World War III is going to start according to a book by that title. I am too superstitious to admit publicly that my shoe problem is over yet.

After my walk, my staff and I drove to the supermarket for quark, which I eat for breakfast. We also both got ourselves a sausage roll for lunch and she treated me to ice cream cones. Of course, I just ate one today and she had one too, so the rest are in the freezer.

In the afternoon, I first used my alcohol inks that I’d bought at Action several weeks ago. I had finally managed to create earring pieces that didn’t have air bubbles in them and was going to add a little alcohol ink to them for some extra color. The pieces haven’t been turned into actual earrings yet.

Then in the evening, I crafted the last of the polymer clay beads I’ll need for the necklace I’m making for the person from the other care home. I’m probably going to put together the necklace tomorrow. Overall, it was a good day.

Being God’s Beloved Child As an Enneagram Type Four

Posted on by Astrid

Today, I read some about the Enneagram again. As regular readers of this blog will know, I’m a type Four. Type Fours’ core motivation is to be fully understood as their unique and authentic selves. As such, Fours often focus on their being different from other people in some fundamental way. I am no different (pun intended) in this respect.

When I was in the early days of my psych hospital stay, my parents came to talk to the psychiatrist. They told him that, ever since I’d realized I am different because of my blindness at roughly age seven, I had tried to make it look like I was different in a ton of other ways. For instance, I identified as autistic (with which I was eventually diagnosed), thought as a teen that I was a lesbian (I am not), etc. Indeed, identity confusion was quite a common experience for me. According to my parents, this was all because I refused to accept the fact that I am blind, rather than because, well, I felt different in some rather interesting, somewhat impalpable ways.

Today, as I read the Day 1 section of The Enneagram Type 4 by Beth McCord, I realized I’ve always focused my attention on how I am not just essentially different from everyone else, but in some fundamental way more defective than everyone else. In reality, this is not true.

I am reminded in this respect of a sermon or something I once heard about a king having two daughters who both got lost in a shipwreck and stranded with farmers or something. Years later, the king found out that his daughters were still alive and he sent out some men to track them down. One daughter believed she was the king’s daughter, while the other didn’t. To whom does it matter? Of course, to the one who believes. This is probably what it is like to be a child of God: we are all children of God, but only those who believe it will delight in His kingdom. I find this comforting to my non-believer friends, realizing that God does not somehow condemn those people or something. Of course, there is the difference that God is all-knowing and all-powerful, so He could’ve made everyone believe.

However, my point is that there is nothing that makes me less of a child of God because of who I am or what I do. I am also not more defective than anyone else based on any of my differences, be it my autism or my blindness or whatever. Neurodiversity and disability rights are clear on that. No matter how fundamentally different I feel as an enneagram type Four, or as an autistic, multiply-disabled trauma survivor, or as just plain ol’ me, I am still God’s beloved child and I do not need to – cannot even – attempt to earn that status any more. After all, Jesus Christ purchased that status for me on the cross.

I am linking this post up with Inspire Me Monday.