Regrets

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Yesterday, Sadje asked in her Sunday Poser what regrets we have about not doing, being or having something in our life.

I could share that I regret not having finished college or not having lived independently longer, but I don’t. I mean, I know my “choice” to land in the psych ward caused me to be practically abandoned by my family of origin, but I wouldn’t have my spouse now if I hadn’t gotten myself admitted. In fact, I might not have been here to write about regrets, as I was actively suicidal at the time. You could argue that I wouldn’t have died anyway. Even if death weren’t the result of my continuing to muddle through, I would have more than likely caused irreversible damage to the relationships that matter. I honestly, after all, can’t believe my parents wouldn’t have abandoned me if I’d spiraled more seriously out of control. And I’m pretty sure, like I said, that my now spouse, whom I’d just met, wouldn’t have stuck by me then either.

This doesn’t mean there isn’t a voice in me that wishes I’d done some things differently. However, as long as I live, there’s always a moment to do things differently now. For instance, if I really wish I’d finished college, I could always enroll into an Open University program.

Likewise, I do sometimes wonder whether I could’ve been more independent if this or that about my life had been different. Then again, if I really want to be more independent, I can take steps, no matter how small, to achieve it. The proverbial deep end doesn’t work for me, since that was what I got when living independently and going to university. However, I can always take steps towards improving my life.

I, as many of you know, do regret having moved out of Raalte and into the intensive support home. That, now, I see as a lesson: I want to stay here at my current home, because even if it isn’t perfect, the grass isn’t greener anywhere else. Like one of my staff sometimes says, some places don’t even have grass.

I’m linking up with Senior Salon Pit Stop #338.

Flash Fiction: Don’t Forget the Veg…

Posted on by Astrid

As Joel looked through the kitchen cupboard this evening, what he saw could best be described as “organized chaos”. Oh wait, no, it wasn’t even organized. Just chaos. Like his life.

Joel hated cooking, cleaning and budgeting, but he had to since being leftt to fend for himself at barely sixteen. His mother had abandoned him and his two younger siblings. He had a side job that he went to after school, but money was tight.

Thankfully, he was inventive. Joel managed to whip up a meal for the three of them tonight. It was just pasta, ketchup and kohlrabi, but with an added multivitamin for all of them, this had to do. Besides, no-one could accuse him of forgetting the veg…

This little piece of flash fiction was written for this week’s Friday Fictioneers. I had the image described through my screen reader’s image description option.

The pasta, kohlrabi and ketchup meal was invented by my partner one day when we were spending a Sunday together and every supermarket was closed. We joke that it’s the most delicious meal I’ve ever had.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (November 16, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. I’m joining in with #WeekendCoffeeShare again. It’s nearly 9PM, so no coffee for me. I might make myself a cup of bedtime tea once I’m done with this post (or rather, have the staff make it for me). There’s of course always water too. Let’s chat.

If we were having coffee, first I’d talk about the weather. We’re still having an unusually mild fall season, with daytime temperatures at or around 10°C all week. We were supposed to get rain today, but I haven’t felt any.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you I’m still struggling, but not as much as I was last week. On Tuesday, I spoke with my support coordinator and explained why I felt the Center for Consultation and Expertise may be able to help. She didn’t really respond, but I’m hoping she’ll take things up with the higher-ups.

If we were having coffee, next I’d tell you I’ve been learning more about autism and ways to support myself and for my staff to support me. There’s this support method called The Essential 5 in English. It was originally developed here in the Netherlands by Colette de Bruin and here has the catchy name “Geef me de 5” (which translates to high-five in English). I hadn’t ever remembered the essential five correctly, but they’re ways in which one’s activity should be structured: What, When, Where, Who and How. If there’s no “What”, as in my day schedule’s “alone time” or even during my supported activities (because I have to choose one on the spot), how can the other four be clear? This is something I struggle with a lot, as now with the shifts assigned to my day schedule, the “Who” is often too rigidly clear but there’s still no “What”.

I listened to a podcast episode by Geef me de 5 on empty time and autism and had a staff listen to it with me too. It was very eye-opening.

If we were having coffee, then I’d tell you that, on Tuesday, I went to me and my spouse’s house for my spouse’s birthday. We also stopped by Ikea and my in-laws’ house. We originally wanted to order pizza or fries, but both the pizza place and the snack corner were closed. My spouse eventually put fries into the Airfryer.

I also took a few things from our house back with me to the institution. First were a number of mounted rubber stamps I used to use for card making. I’m not 100% sure what to do with them now, particularly since most have old ink on/in them, but, if I can clean them, I can re-use them for stamping on polymer clay.

Then I also took a jewelry box with me that contained a number of rings, bracelets and necklaces. One of them was the ring with an amethyst in it that was passed down to me from my late grandma. Unfortunately, that one, as well as most other rings, are too big for me.

If we were having coffee, I’d share I have a ton of creative ideas floating around in my mind, but struggle to get to actually starting any of them. For example, I want to start making my own jewelry again, particularly bracelets and necklaces. I am still in doubt as to whether earrings are suited for me at all, as sooner or later I’ll almost inevitably develop an itch from them.

Anyway, I remember how I used to enjoy making jewelry and I think that with my current day schedule and staff, I should be able to pick the hobby up again.

So far, I did create one polymer clay pendant. I think I like it quite a lot, but still need to sand it before I can actually use it.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d share a nutrition and exercise update. I saw the dietitian on Wednesday and endured the mandatory talk about all the opportunities to snack and get treats during the holiday season. Quite frankly, if I’m in the mood for snacking, I don’t care whether there’s a festive reason for it. I’m also happy to report I’m still on target weight-wise and intend to keep it this way.

However, I haven’t been all that physically active over the past week. I did meet my goals on my Apple Watch, but things could’ve been better. On Thursday, I had an opportunity to go swimming, but I felt too tired. I now remember that I was supposed to do my physical therapy exercises this afternoon but forgot. Going to do those now!

#WeekendCoffeeShare (September 21, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi all on this beautiful Saturday in September. I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare today. It’s 7:30PM, so I just had my last cup of coffee for the day. I also had a delicious smoothie I made. I must admit, I normally don’t make the best smoothies, or at least I don’t really like them myself. This one though was absolutely great! I used banana, pineapple, coconut water and a bit of cinnamon. The cinnamon was old, so even though I’m pretty sure I put quite a bit into my smoothie, I only got a slight taste of it. I shared what I had left with my fellow residents, but since this is a virtual get-together, you are invited to grab a virtual cup.

If we were having coffee, first I’d share about the weather. It’s been absolutely gorgeous with daytime temperatures of about 23°C most of the week. It’s also been quite sunny. Mornings are chilly, but then again it’s September, so that makes perfect sense. Tomorrow is supposed to be the last warm day and then next week daytime temps are supposed to drop to as low as 13°C.

If we were having coffee, I’d probably be stating the obvious if I said I’ve been walking a lot. I sometimes feel guilty when this is pretty much all I do during my allocated activity time. Then again, I tell myself the weather isn’t going to be as beautiful as it is now forever.

I also have been taking photos on my walks. That is, I usually hand my phone to my staff, who then will be snapping the pictures. I enjoy it nonetheless. Yesterday, we were able to capture a bunny.

I have also been loving using Be My Eyes and other image description apps. Be My Eyes was even able to correct me and my staff on what type of bird was swimming in the institution pond.

If we were having coffee, I’d talk a little about the new iOS and WatchOS versions that came out on Monday. They’re quite stable and there aren’t many bugs affecting VoiceOver or Braille use. That’s a rarity with the first release of a major software update. I didn’t initially think I’d care for iOS 18, but WatchOS 11 does have some nice features and I’d need iOS 18 for that. I am looking forward to seeing my Vitals trend in a few weeks.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I’ve been struggling a little with flashbacks and nightmares. I am, thankfully, for the most part still able to cope.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that on Wednesday, I celebrated one year in my current care home. I treated the entire home to burgers again, like on my birthday, but this time the salad I made as a side dish was the highlight for me.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you that on Thursday, it was my and my spouse’s thirteenth wedding anniversary. We drove to Nijmegen to have lunch at what I consider to be my favorite restaurant, Dromaai. Not that the food is exceptionally good, but I have fond memories of eating out here with my partner when I still lived in Nijmegen.

September Dreams and Memories

Posted on by Astrid

Last night I dreamt of being admitted to the psych hospital. It’s no wonder, since the anniversary of my actual admission isn’t very far away, on November 3. September 23 is my anniversary of going into long-term care and last Wednesday, I celebrated one year in my current care home.

I was reminded yesterday that September is a bittersweet month. That is, I was reminded of the sweet aspect, ie. it being me and my spouse’s wedding aniversary yesterday. The bitter aspect has overshadowed my days with flashbacks and my nights with dreams more than I’d like. I am, thankfully, still coping.

I am hoping that, as I acquire more pleasant memories here at this home, the flashbacks and nightmares will lessen. I know I was saying something similar when reclaiming November in 2021. I hope this time around I will choose following my dreams and aspirations over re-enacting the past.

Sharing this post with Friday Writings #145, for which the optional theme is dreams and memories. This was more of a freewrite than anything else, but oh well.

10 on the 10th (September 2024): This or That?

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m participating in 10 on the 10th. This month, it’s a fun this or that. Let’s get into it.

This or that: A long term meaningful relationship with someone you see only once a year (platonic or otherwise) or lots of short term relatively meaningless relationships with people you see regularly.
This is a toughie, as I’m not sure what “relationship” means. Do professional relationships count too? In other words, would I be completely on my own aside from the one time a year I’d see my significant other? That’s impossible for me. However, if it means not having any real connection with anyone else but they could still help me (yet how would we define “connection”?), I’d definitely choose the one meaningful relationship. I, after all, would choose my spouse even for a once-a-year visit over all the meaningless interactions with my staff. I however do need to receive care.

This or that: A bouquet of fresh flowers every week or a flowering bush every year.
A flowering bush every year! I don’t really care for bouquets of flowers and I’d love a flowering bush in my yard-space-thingy at the care home.

This or that: A luxury, all expenses paid cruise to the Antarctic or a week in a beach shack off the beaten path.
A cruise to the Antarctic. I’m not a fan of the cold, but no-one said we had to leave the ship. And I don’t care for beaches.

This or that: Pumpkin spice everything or pumpkin spice nothing.
Pumpkin spice nothing. The only thing with pumpkin spice in it I like a little is coffee, but it isn’t like I don’t enjoy coffee without it.

This or that: Warm, sunny days with high humidity or cold, sunny days with little humidity.
You’ll probably be surprised here, but I’d choose the cold but sunny days with low humidity. Having recently experienced warmer, high-humidity weather, I feel that as much as I loved the heat, I hated the humidity. Last night, in fact, was my first night of not sweating profusely and I am so glad for it.

This or that: A vintage real fur coat or a new faux fur coat.
New faux fur coat. Until I read Marsha’s answer, I didn’t even realize faux fur is bad for the environment, so I thought choosing the new faux fur coat would be a win-win: new coat plus less animal cruelty.

This or that: The car of your dreams wrapped with a logo of some kind or the car you currently drive.
I don’t drive a car, since I’m blind, so I’m going to choose for my spouse and we’re both happy with the “Freezer Fiat”, my nickname for the car my spouse currently drives. My spouse, in fact, only started the lease on it last January and this one is pretty much our ideal car. In this sense, I get it both ways. Although I personally wouldn’t mind a logo, I know my spouse wouldn’t tolerate it.

This or that: Beautiful stilettos crafted specifically for your feet or sneakers you’ve worn and molded to your feet.
I guess the point of this one is to choose between beauty and comfort and, if you’ve read about my shoe saga, you know I’d choose comfort. My orthopedic shoes are quite ugly but they’re comfortable. Same for my walking shoes, which I actually think are sneakers. Besides, I absolutely cannot walk on heels so stilettos would basically mean a life without walking.

This or that: The house of your dreams painted in colors you despise or a small cottage you can paint in colors you love.
I would personally choose the house of my dreams, but since that basically is a small cottage because I’d get lost in anything larger, I get it both ways again. I am blind, but still would love to have my little living space painted in all pastel lilacs and pinks.

This or that: Your favorite food every day for a year or foods you’ve never tried every day for a year.
My favorite food everyday for a year. I don’t like to try out new foods and would hate to have to try new foods each day for a year. Of course, it would get a little boring eating the exact same food everyday, but I’d take that over having to try out something I probably won’t like.

#WeekendCoffeeShare (September 7, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today I’m joining #WeekendCoffeeShare. It’s 7:40PM as I start writing my post, so like most times, I’ve had my last cup of coffee for the day. I will have a glass of my favorite soft drink in about half an hour and after that it’s just water, or maybe a cup of bedtime tea. However, I’d love for you to join me for a virtual cup of coffee. Let’s get into my post.

If we were having coffee, first I’d rave about the weather. After all, if you know me, you know that in my opinion summer is the best season. It’s September, but the weather is still summer-like. During most of the week, we had daytime highs above 25°C. Tomorrow, it’s supposed to cool off slightly and after that, sometime next week the temps are supposed to drop to 15°C.

If we were having coffee, I’d tell you that I got in a lot of exercise minutes over the past week, mostly walking. I’m doing a challenge with my spouse on our Apple Watches that lasts up till this Monday and so far, I’m doing much better. I had expected to be slightly better because my spouse is a truck driver, but then again we have the same movement goal even though I’m shorter and as a result lighter than my spouse, which means I burn off fewer calories with the same activity.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I had my second play therapy session on Wednesday. The first was a bit of a disappointment, because as soon as she saw my staff, the therapist started saying I could come alone next time. I felt mostly disappointed about the fact that she hadn’t asked me or my staff why I need a staff to attend our sessions. When I explained this at this week’s session, she was totally cool with it.

We mostly played with PlayMobil®, which was really intriguing. I did overshare a bit this week, which I later regretted. It feels really challenging to set healthy boundaries, which is one of my goals that I told the therapist about.

If we were having coffee, I’d share that I spoke with my support coordinator again today. On Monday I had a meeting with her and the behavior specialist. One of the things I’d asked to be implemented as soon as possible, is the agreement that staff won’t unlock the door for me when I’m in crisis and will, if necessary, physically prevent me from leaving the home. I had since wondered where the agreement that the door be unlocked came from. I looked at my support agreements, but there was nothing. Today, my support coordinator looked all through my file and couldn’t find the agreement either. This frustrates me, as honestly I have no idea who came up with it. It wouldn’t have been as frustrating, had this not been interpreted as a rule by literally all staff, even staff who hadn’t previously let me out the door. I mean, on Thursday I said I was leaving in an agitated tone and immediately the staff said she’d unlock the door for me. It frustrates me to no end that staff are making rules that they don’t write down and that, as a result, can’t be discussed with me. I hope that, once my support coordinator writes the agreement that I can’t be let out the door, which she’s going to do on Tuesday, this at least will stop in this case. I’m pretty sure there are many other unwritten rules about my care though.

If we were having coffee, lastly I’d tell you I’m really feeling like doing something with polymer clay again, but I am rather uninspired. I did try to make a flower pendant this evening, but so far it’s just a cut out flower with no detail.

Gratitude List (June 30, 2024) #TToT

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today, I’m doing a gratitude post. As usual, I’m linking it up with Ten Things of Thankful. I’m not in a good mood, but, as I usually say, that’s the best time to do gratitude posts, as it usually surprises me with how many things I can come up. Let’s go!

1. I am grateful for the weather. On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, it was a little hot for my liking, but the temperatures setteld down eventually and today the daytime high was 23°C.

2. I am grateful I tolerate the heat pretty well. On those hotter days, when the daytime high was 30°C, everyone was complaining about being hot, but I handled it okay.

3. I am grateful the institution “townhouse” was finally opened last Tuesday. If I’m correct, construction finished over a year ago and I was half-joking that they’d built the thing without realizing budget cuts would mean there was no use for it. It will be used for leisure activities. I do wonder what will happen to the building these activities used to take place in, since that building too had extensive roof work done recently so I’m hoping they won’t just let that building rot.

4. I am grateful for cheesecake. I made it as a birthday treat for the entire home (both sides, so 20 clients plus staff) on Thursday. The staff I made it with, had never made a cake or pie before, but it was a definite success.

5. I am also grateful my order for buns at the local bakery went well. I was going to treat the entire home to hamburgers, but when I tried to order the buns online to be collected on Thursday, something on the payment website caused me to go paranoid and I canceled. My spouse calmed me down and I retried and was successful this time.

6. I am grateful the hamburgers were delicious! I had two of them.

7. Speaking of my birthday, I am grateful many of my fellow clients came by my room in the morning to wish me a happy birthday and to sing for me.

8. I am grateful for two cards from a former fellow client from the intensive support home. I by chance walked by there today and she called out to me and went inside to fetch the cards.

9. I am grateful for the gift voucher for one of my favorite clay stores I got from my sister. I am full of ideas of what to buy with it.

10. I am grateful for the music pillow I got from my spouse as a birthday present yesterday. It is connected to my iPhone via Bluetooth. After a bit of trial and error figuring out how it works, I slept like a log last night listening to one of my favorite calming music albums on Spotify.

What are you grateful for?

The Wednesday Hodgepodge (May 29, 2024)

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Sorry, it’s been a while. I’m really in a rut again, but today I’m feeling as though I might slowly be creeping out. I’m joining the Wednesday Hodgepodge today. Okay, I said I was leaving the Christian-based lifestyle blogger crowd, but I think the questions are fun and I don’t swear in my answers (or ever on this blog, really), so what’s the problem? It might be that I’m likely to encounter viewpoints I strongly disagree with among my fellow Hodgepodge’ers. Okay, we’ll see.

1. Growing up, at what age did you think you’d become an adult? At what age did you actually become an adult?
My parents always touted the idea that you were an adult by age 18 and should be able to take care of yourself by that age too. It always scared me though. On my 18th birthday, I wrote in my online diary that I was supposed to be a “fairy woman” now rather than a “fairy child” (my nicname was “Elfenkind”, which translates to “fairy child”).

When did I actually feel like an adult? Well, honestly… still not quite, at 37. When I fill out “life experience” surveys, they always say I have the life experience of someone in my early to mid-20s, in that, though I’m married and my partner and I own a house, I never worked, don’t have a driver’s license (duh), don’t live independently, etc.

2. Your favorite item you’ve bought this year?
My first instinct is to say my current headphones, but these are a recent purchase (like, a few weeks ago). I honestly can’t remember all that many physical items I purchased this year.

3. May 28th is National Hamburger Day…are you a fan? If so, how do you like yours? When was the last time you had a hamburger? Besides the backyard grill, what’s your favorite place to go for a burger?
I’m definitely a fan. My favorite toppings are anything spicy. The last time I had a burger was at Burger King when going to buy my new desk chair about three weeks ago. My favorite place to grab a burger is the local snack corner called Kwalitaria.

4. How have your priorities changed over time?
I have become more self-centered, honestly. This doesn’t mean I don’t think of others, but I do put my own oxygen mask on first, so to speak. When I was younger, up until my early 30s, I pretty much let other people make decisions for me and dictate how I lived my life even when those decisions were rather bad for my health and wellbeing. It’s still a process to unlearn this habit.

5. What’s one thing on your June calendar you’re really looking forward to?
There’s nothing I’m really looking forward to, honestly. It’s my birthday at the end of June, but I’m dreading seeing my parents and sister even more this year than usual. My partner has to work on my birthday, but we’ll likely celebrate over the weekend after it. Okay, wait, one thing I do sort of look forward to: I have plans to make cheesecake for my fellow clients on my birthday, since I’m not going home to my and my spouse’s house that day anyway. I’ll also be treating the entire home to French fries and snacks.

Oh wait again, it doesn’t have to be a special, once-a-year thing you’re looking forward to, and I’m really, really, really looking forward to seeing my spouse on Sunday!

6. Insert your own random thought here.
Finally been claying again. Working on some earrings. They didn’t turn out all that good but oh well.

Experiencing Envy As an Enneagram Type Four

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Lately, I’ve had some real struggles that got me thinking hard about myself. I often want to love myself and that, interestingly, seems to include denying my less than stellar qualities. Then again, if I really want to love myself as I am, that includes accepting my shadow side too.

Today, I am focusing on one of these aspects of myself I’m not so proud of: envy. I’m exploring this from an Enneagram point of view.

As those who’ve read my other Enneagram-based posts know, I’m a type Four. Fours’ core vice is envy. More specifically though, I’m a sexual/one-to-one (SX) type where it comes to instinctual variants. These are not just focused on envy, but on competition.

I don’t necessarily consider myself very competitive in sports or games or whatever. In fact, I’m quite the opposite. However, I realized I’m an SX type when reading the first chapter of The Complete Enneagram by Beatrice Chestnut and watching some YouTube videos too. I realized I do compete with my fellow clients for care.

Like, I can’t stop claiming that one particular fellow client doesn’t need to deal with temp workers. Whether that’s true, doesn’t even matter to me, as I honestly couldn’t care less about his care. In that sense, I’m not competitive. Oh wait, that’s a lie. I didn’t start competing for care until I met the full-time one-on-one client at the intensive support home, so in this sense, it does matter what others have.

I do also believe envy is part of what got me to decide to enter a forum my spouse is active on recently (I left when my spouse called me out). My intention wasn’t to spy on my spouse, but rather I was envious of the connections my spouse had made through that forum. Never mind that I am on a ton of forums myself and could have developed genuine connections if I just cared to put in the effort. I probably have myself and my being a Four to blame for the fact that I never feel like I belong anywhere. Which makes me think, maybe I really am not an SX type, but a social (SO) type. I do need to look into instinctual variants more.