Codependency and Emotional Dependence #AtoZChallenge

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. For my letter C post in the #AtoZChallenge, I wasn’t really sure what topic to pick. I could go with cognitive functions, but without explaining personality typologies first, this wouldn’t make sense. Since I chose the broad topic of personal growth for my theme, I could however choose a topic that isn’t necessarily related to personality. IN this post, I’m talking about codependency.

What is codependency? In a narrow sense, it refers to certain behaviors exhibited by individuals in a close relationship with an addict. The addict is, in this sense, dependent on a substance (or behavior) and their partner is codependent, as in “second-degree dependent”.

I used to understand codependency as involving just enabling behaviors. For example, a codependent person might be manipulated into giving the addict access to their drug of choice. In this case, a person buying alcohol and giving it to an alcoholic, is codependent.

Actually though, codependency isn’t just the direct enabling of an addiction. It also happens in abusive relationships in which neither of the parties involved is an addict. For example, a person staying with their partner in spite of domestic violence, could also be seen as codependent.

Codependency, as such, is more related to being emotionally dependent on someone else despite them being in some way toxic. It could also be seen as compulsive caregiving.

For clarity’s sake, though their are certain individual traits that make someone more susceptible to becoming codependent, codependency is at least as much an attribute of the relationship as it is of the individual.

How can you heal from codependency? The first step is to set healthy boundaries. This means that boundaries are not so weak that they allow others to use you as a doormat and not so rigid that you end up self-isolating. Of course, what boundaries you set, depends on the person you’re setting boundaries with. For example, you may want to go no-contact with an abuser, but keep a supportive friend close by.

Another step in the healing process is to recognize yourself as a unique individual separate from the addict or abusive person you’re codependent on. And, for that matter, separate from everyone else in the world. This means learning about and validating your own preferences, wants and needs. As you learn to be more aware of your own individuality, you’ll start to develop greater emotional independence.

Healing from codependency will ultimately help you have healthy relationships with the people around you.

I am not currently in an abusive relationship and don’t have any close relatives who are addicts. As such, I am not really codependent on anyone at the moment. However, being that I grew up in a dysfunctional family, I do share some traits of emotional dependency. I was at one point also diagnosed with dependent personality disorder (DPD), even though my psychologist at the time only chose that diagnosis to make it look like I was misusing care. She actually claimed that I was perfectly capable of asserting myself, which people with DPD definitely aren’t.

Like I said, codependency is at least in part defined by the relationship, whereas DPD is a diagnosis meant for an individual. It doesn’t, however, take into account the fact that many adult children of dysfunctional families will end up showing (co)dependent behaviors in other relationships too.

The Most Important Life Lesson

Posted on by Astrid

Hi everyone. Today Sadje asks us in her Sunday Poser to share life lessons we’ve learned. I was pretty sure I’d done a post on the most important lesson I’d learned in life some years ago, so went to look and indeed, I wrote about this topic in 2018. Wow, how time has flown!

And it doesn’t surprise me that, when I read Sadje’s question, my initial thought was to share the exact same lesson I shared back then: that it’s important to stay true to yourself. Today though, I’m going to make it even bolder: I am the most important person in my life. That sounds selfish, right? But guess what? Each of us is the most important person in our own life. You can’t live for anyone else, by which I mean no-one else can make you happy. No, not even when you think that someone else does; it’s still your understanding of their love or acceptance that makes you happy.

To word it even more bluntly, if everyone thinks of themself first, no-one will be forgotten. This doesn’t mean we need to be going against moral sensibility or harming other people just because we want it. After all, harming others isn’t in our own best interest in the long run either.

By saying that no-one else can make us happy, I also didn’t mean we don’t need connections. However, no-one else can live our life for us.

I also want to share what learning this life lesson has helped me with since 2018. I still struggle with everyday decisions, but I attribute this to the fact that I often get overwhelmed with them.

I am happy to report that, since indeed landing in a less than supportive environment (ie. the intensive support home) in 2022, I was able to stand up for what I needed. I’m now back in quite a supportive place, but I’m glad I’m still able to advocate for myself. This doesn’t mean that the thought that everyone will ultimately abandon me if I’m myself, is gone. It’s worse than ever, in fact. I still need to work on the idea that, even if they do, that doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.

Things I’m Proud Of Myself For This Week

Posted on by Astrid

This week was a struggle in some ways, but it was also good. I have been dealing with a lot of fear of joy again. I also find it hard to take credit for things I do well in case it means people expect me to always do as well. To turn these negative convictions around and focus on the positive, I am listing some things I am proud of myself for this week. I am joining today’s Word of the Day Challenge, because the word happens to be “Proud”. Okay, that was what inspired me, so I need to give the creators of the challenge credit here. I am also joining in with #LifeThisWeek.

1. I am proud of the progress I am making with polymer clay. I have been practising making layered cookie cutter shapes and can now do them on pasta machine setting three at least with Fimo Professional pretty successfully. I am still learning with Fimo Soft, as that’s a bit too sticky for my liking.

2. I am proud of myself for having been relatively physically active despite some pain. I am not giving in to every little ache, but I’m not overdoing it either.

3. I am proud of myself for not having run away or become actually aggressive when a fellow client was screaming at full volume for like an hour last Thursday. I mean, like I mentioned before, I did become a little threatening, but I didn’t hurt her, the staff or myself.

4. I am proud of myself for having survived today’s trip to Ikea, with most things we needed being very hard to find or out of stock, without getting very distressed. I managed to get a dustbin as well as a desk, or rather, separate legs and a top. When we got to the storage department, we couldn’t find the desk top but there was another, very similar one in its place. I wasn’t sure we’d got the right one, but we asked the shopping assistant and it was the one we needed.

5. I am proud of myself for having lost the weight I’d gained last month again this month. I stepped onto the scales again this morning and am exactly 72kg now. Of course, my weight has been fluctuating anyway, but it’s not gone up significantly at least.

What are you proud of yourself for?

Faith Is a Verb

Posted on by Astrid

Last Saturday, my husband told me about a book he had been reading. He said: “It’s a Christian book.” As a progressive believer who struggles with her faith a lot, I wasn’t sure I wanted to read a Christian book. Two weeks earlier, he had recommended Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis to me and I hadn’t picked it up yet. After all, some of the passages he read to me had me angry.

My husband though explained to me that the book he was recommending now was perfectly suited to my recent struggles. You see, I have been struggling with feelings of worthlessness due to my not living the life my parents had envisioned for me.

The book is called You Are Beloved by Bobby Schuller. My husband was so convinced it’d help me, that he offered to buy me the eBook on whichever platform suited me best. I said I’d look whether it’s available on Bookshare, an accessible book service for the print disabled, first. And it was. I downloaded it as soon as I had access to stable WiFi.

I looked up Bobby Schuller first before starting to read the book. My husband isn’t very conservative either, but still more conservative than me. I wasn’t sure I’d like what Schuller had to say.

I so far only read the introduction, but was immediately enthusiastic. Not just for Schuller’s book, but for my faith in general.

I don’t have a church I belong to normally even without COVID. In fact, I usually listen to American church services despite living in the Netherlands. I hadn’t listened to them in a while though and the ones I usually listen to are so progressive they’re hardly Christian at all. On Sunday, I decided to listen to the prior week’s sermon (since the current week’s wasn’t available yet due to time zone differences) from First United Methodist Church in Baton Rouge, LA.

In it, the pastor discusses Ephesians 4:22-5:2, in which Paul tells believers how to be Godlike. The pastor also quotes an original Methodist work that explains the character of true believers. It said, among other things, that we are happy – always happy. The pastor uses this to tell the believers that the goal of the Christian life is not just to go to Heaven after we die, but to be Christlike in the current life too. This very much resonated with what my husband said to me when recommending Schuller’s book: that faith is a verb.

My husband meant to say that, if we truly believe that God loves us, we will also extend this to others and live an ethical life. He also said that the goal of every religion, not just Christianity, is to find true peace of mind. In other words, the goal is not just to sit on a cloud and play the harp after we die (in case that’s how you picture Heaven), but to experience the kingdom of God here on Earth.

Schuller’s main point, by the way, is that we are not what we do. We are not what we have. We are not how others see us. We are beloved by God just because we are.

”Grace

If The Staff Saw My True Nature…: Reflections on Not Belonging

Posted on by Astrid

Yesterday, I was in yet another crisis. I was majorly triggered when a staff told me at the dinner table to calm down or go to my room because she had other clients to attend to as well. This triggered both my fight and flight responses. I was completely convinced that this one remark proved that, if staff truly know me, they’ll abandon me. After all, if they truly knew my nature, they’d know I needed more support than they can offer. I was and still am intensely ashamed of this nature of mine, but for whatever reason, I cannot seem to change it.

I cannot stop this part of mine who thinks she needs almost literally one-on-one support all day. It isn’t even a sense of entitlement, since I don’t feel that I’m somehow deserving of more attention than the other clients. Or maybe at the core I do believe this. I’m not sure. My parents would say I do believe I’m somehow entitled to endless attention.

At one point, I lashed out at the staff member. This led to further intense shame. I was convinced that, in that moment, the staff had seen my true nature and that she was going to make sure I’d be kicked out.

For whatever reason, she didn’t. She did, I assume, write an incident report. Other than that, I must say she was incredibly nice all evening.

And yet all day I was convinced that, if the staff nor the manager were going to kick me out, they must not have seen how wicked I really am. I do know that, in truth, this was one of my worst outbursts of aggression ever. I’ve done more harmful things, but those were harmful only to myself.

The manager came to talk to me late in the afternoon. She reassured me that I won’t be kicked out. I tried to tell her that, despite my desire to be good, I feel I might need more support than my current home can provide. I wasn’t trying to elicit her pity or convince her to apply for more funding for me, but I was trying to make it clear that I may be more of a burden than she can handle. I don’t want to feel attached to the staff and the home and even some of the other clients only to be told in a month or two that after all I’m too much of a handful. The manager sort of reassured me.

And yet, when she was gone, I went online and looked at other places I might be able to move to. Not because I really want to move, but because that’s what I’m used to. I’m used to not being wanted anywhere. And it’s tempting to believe that, with how often I end up in crisis here, I don’t really want to live here myself. Ugh, I don’t know how to answer that question.