Yesterday, I was in yet another crisis. I was majorly triggered when a staff told me at the dinner table to calm down or go to my room because she had other clients to attend to as well. This triggered both my fight and flight responses. I was completely convinced that this one remark proved that, if staff truly know me, they’ll abandon me. After all, if they truly knew my nature, they’d know I needed more support than they can offer. I was and still am intensely ashamed of this nature of mine, but for whatever reason, I cannot seem to change it.
I cannot stop this part of mine who thinks she needs almost literally one-on-one support all day. It isn’t even a sense of entitlement, since I don’t feel that I’m somehow deserving of more attention than the other clients. Or maybe at the core I do believe this. I’m not sure. My parents would say I do believe I’m somehow entitled to endless attention.
At one point, I lashed out at the staff member. This led to further intense shame. I was convinced that, in that moment, the staff had seen my true nature and that she was going to make sure I’d be kicked out.
For whatever reason, she didn’t. She did, I assume, write an incident report. Other than that, I must say she was incredibly nice all evening.
And yet all day I was convinced that, if the staff nor the manager were going to kick me out, they must not have seen how wicked I really am. I do know that, in truth, this was one of my worst outbursts of aggression ever. I’ve done more harmful things, but those were harmful only to myself.
The manager came to talk to me late in the afternoon. She reassured me that I won’t be kicked out. I tried to tell her that, despite my desire to be good, I feel I might need more support than my current home can provide. I wasn’t trying to elicit her pity or convince her to apply for more funding for me, but I was trying to make it clear that I may be more of a burden than she can handle. I don’t want to feel attached to the staff and the home and even some of the other clients only to be told in a month or two that after all I’m too much of a handful. The manager sort of reassured me.
And yet, when she was gone, I went online and looked at other places I might be able to move to. Not because I really want to move, but because that’s what I’m used to. I’m used to not being wanted anywhere. And it’s tempting to believe that, with how often I end up in crisis here, I don’t really want to live here myself. Ugh, I don’t know how to answer that question.
A Multitude of Musings 
It’s so awful when such negative beliefs like that you don’t belong anywhere get so badly ingrained that they even hinder you in life when you actually do find a place where it looks possible for you to belong. I really hope the staff will continue to be understanding and supportive of your needs, even if they may not be able to understand you fully, for all sorts of different reasons. And I really, really hope there won’t be a need for you to move again. Based on that the staff have been as supportive of you as you’ve been writing and that no one has said anything like that, I’m pretty optimistic that it will never happen, but I can also understand your feelings around this, at least to a degree as obviously I’ve never been in an exactly similar situation. Hugs. 🙂 Hope things will get more manageable for you soon as much as possible.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much. Yes, I really hope I’ll not have to move again.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I hope you have a super calm day and evening. Things can and will get better, you need to believe that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. 🙂
LikeLike
I’m also a survivor of childhood abuse and your reaction makes total sense to me. The staff member’s initial comment was totally invalidating. Nobody wants to feel loads of bad woman’s being told to “calm down” and that you’re demanding too much attention is cruel. It would be very triggering. Also your desire to have one on one support also makes sense. Children of trauma never got to experience a sense of safety that obviously that staff member takes for granted. It leaves one with massive unmet needs and the feeling that one isn’t safe alone but is also a huge burden. None of this is your fault. Your feelings and reactions are valid. You aren’t a burden and the staff members may not understand trauma reactions.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much for validating me. Yes, the staff eventually did understand.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad to hear they understand you eventually
LikeLiked by 1 person
So am I. Thank you! 💜
LikeLike
that seems very tough to be dealing with such intense feelings of abandonment, shame, and I am sorry you had a bad outburst. I am glad the manager reassured you and that the staff was nice despite your outburst. Sending lots of hugs!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you so much. I still feel intense shame, but am glad the manager reassured me.
LikeLiked by 1 person